Megan AKA "Devon" (follow up)

all right megan hi welcome back how are you so nice to see you again so it was about six months ago that you and i first met we did that that interview which was great i love it's one of my favorites um but lots has happened since then right yes i had a major turnaround i um had a relapse let me explain what happened so we did that first interview and you and i kind of i just saw so much potential in you and i uh i got you a car right um two two cars right two the first one to be precise the first first one didn't work out so i got you a second car but um and then i paid for some like housing and some other stuff like that because i saw you like you're doing the right thing you were getting a job you were you're no longer on fig all kinds of great things were happening and i love to help people who are trying to straighten their lives out but i can't do that forever and ever and and also things kind of you had some setbacks as well right yeah so major setbacks um okay so right after you got me the truck i seen a car you know i came the first thing i said was mark i seen this bmw and i really like it i really really like it he's like okay i'm gonna help you this time i want to see you do right i said okay mark i got you don't trip i'm gonna do right by you i get this car and i'm like i'm free bowling cause i got the bmw now i'm feeling big in life like oh i got me a two-door beer bmw yeah it was used but you know it was still something somebody did something for me you you went out of your way to do something that nobody else has done for me and i kind of took advantage of it i took that ball and rolled with it even when the ball got flat and it wasn't such a good thing because messing around with that car got me back up at the edge of town by ivy and when i started hanging out with ivy things kind of go backwards for me i started using them drugs again and kind of fell off don't blame my viewers no not because of ivy but you know that it deals with a lot of it is in her circle of people i just think it's important to take responsibility for everything that happens in your life and you know that that not even i can't even say peer pressure because it's not peer pressure it's kind of just like hey you want to hit this it was like i'm in the moment i got a little bit of money okay yeah i'm gonna hit it and then i hit it and i wound up turning all the way around i lost my car and then i winded up losing my funding mark left me for my lonesome he said today you gonna learn today and i learned i did learn um that's probably the biggest mistake i think i made within our time knowing each other was turning around and doing the opposite of what i was supposed to do because it kind of put me back at phase one starting to have to get my kids all over again my health the housing situation really got bad i mean you even help with the the housing we paid for the weekly 490 for a weekly and somehow someway i found myself being lazy not wanting to get up and go do the job that i was assigned for wind up losing the job and then i turned back around like hey mark i need another car my car's broken like uh this car broke i need another car and that was like when you first first started getting the the black girls heavy and the nova and jasmine started coming around and they started saying i got these other girls and i got these other girls and everybody's doing the nitpick and they're like megan let me borrow some money i screwed up i said jasmine i'll borrow i'll let you brought the money then i kind of put myself in the hole helping everybody else with what mark helped me with because well mark helped me with i'd even have to be giving away in the first place yeah i gave away the help that i was given and kind of screwed myself over wind up sleeping inside the same truck you bought me i want those sleeping inside the back seat out of trading my truck in for another car because everything just started going sideways i guess when you don't money manage the right way and you're not um stable in your head you turn around and you relapse you know you don't think straight you don't think normal like a normal human okay let me put my money up for this payment or for that it was just kind of like okay i got the car i got the money let's just go have fun yeah what i've seen with a lot of people that i've helped is and you didn't do this but i've seen i've seen this with a lot of people who kind of assumed oh this is my new sugar daddy and this is now my he's my at he's my atm machine and then if i if i start to pull back on that support they they get angry you know what and you didn't do that but but you did probably i didn't get angry it did hurt me a little bit that you stopped helping me but that was nobody's fault of my own because it it's kind of true not saying that i was looking at you like a trick but when we have good friends and we don't realize what type of good friends that we have and we're on drugs or we're out here and we're working the streets and stuff we kind of tend to forget where our loyalty lies and we turn around and say hey because he gave me money one time he'll do it again yeah then we start getting in that phase of acting like as if he's treated me like a trick or something yeah like it felt and then you know when you really consider somebody a friend and they're really really helping you and you take that step back and re-analyze the situation and you look at it like okay now i'm starting to affect myself and this is a real good friend that i have and these friends are hard to come by you don't get a friend that's going to be like oh yeah here's 1200 you know you don't find that at all shoot i can't barely get somebody give me five dollars let alone 1200 and to have that to turn around and it up like that i kind of beat myself up afterwards i didn't go lie to you i was beating myself up like man i just lost a good ass friend around trying to be cool trying to hang out trying to smoke drugs i lost the the financial support and i really needed it at the time you know especially with the housing situation and the pandemic all this happening at one time with my kids and their health it kind of like i felt up i felt like damn i am treating him like a trick i'm treating him like how every other girl from the streets would treat him like every other prostitute like okay he's just a trick but it was like never intentionally like that but at the same time when you live the life it's kind of like okay here's this guy he's helping with the money cool it's just like kind of you kind of fall into these categories even if we don't mean to slide you into that category you kind of just slide into the category because why that's what we're used to yeah that's that's how we're used to getting up going out finding these nice guys with nice pockets and they nicely become our friends so me not thinking and saying hey i got a good friend here i've seen it happen that's willing to keep pushing with me and keep telling me that i can instead of i can't and i'm i'm a piece of and i can't get nowhere in life it's like hey i know you could do it do better and you're constantly here here here we take advantage of it and i caught myself taking advantage of and had to say you know let me just stop calling her for a little bit let me let me not call mark today i got everybody on my back oh call mark call mark call mark everybody call mark i'm like i'm not calling mark for you guys i'm not even calling mark for myself they i did pick up that phone and said mark i need i got the hell no ain't happening today look i gave you too much money making it's not happening no more click i said and he hung up in my face oh i got to cry and i watered up a little bit like tear hold on mark just hang up on me i called back like five times on facetime like mark hung up i can be a cold-hearted bastard sometimes yes you were being a cold-hearted bastard that day and i was like this right here got me so twisted if you don't answer this phone i got to call him but i have to do that because i get so many people yeah you know it's messed up because i'm like this just hung up in my face he said he ain't helping me no more and then i had to think about like damn you're the one that told him to do that you like literally physically sat there a couple days ago and told him mark if you don't start saying no to people and start telling these like i ain't gonna give you no more money you're gonna be broke i turn around i get to be the first one to get that cold harder to know like oh but when i when you when i was helping you i was helping you freely right yeah you were helping me freely it'd be like hey you need something for today whatever you need you know let me know because you're trying yeah the day that i stopped trying and and you were working you got a job i forget where but um i was doing i was doing security and construction because i remember people already yeah um you were you were working hard you were doing it busting my ass yeah to try to do better just to turn around no i still believe in you but but it you know it's just so tell me what's going on today now you are today hold on hold on let's talk about what happened this week this week yes it's hard to believe because you look so great i had a life-changing experience when i say life's changes before you tell people look how beautiful megan looks you look healthier and happier than ever right i'm healthy and i'm fat getting chunky you look awesome i look a lot better a lot bigger than i did when i had that blue dress on last time we did the interview oh yeah i've got a couple like maybe you know you got cheeks in there you didn't look too scared you didn't look too skinny to me i felt skinny i feel a lot better about myself now that the drug use has been to a minimal but then again i had that life-changing experience where it was like reality came up and smacked me right in my face like hey look you having a heart attack and you're 25. yes you had a heart attack this week yeah so this week i experienced my first phase of being old at a very young age i had a heart attack you're 25 25 years old and having a heart attack in the hospital for a week with blood pressure pills i mean i was getting poached but they were coming in every two hours taking at least six to seven tubes of blood just to figure out what was wrong with me come to find out i smoked a blonde with the wrong person somebody put fentanyl i don't know it's some new morphine or something that they the doctors got um and the people are using it actually for the drug addicts they're putting it out there to kind of knock them off kind of like a population control through the government without being like that's what it seems like there's different ways of seeing it fentanyl is a dangerous drug it's very dangerous so when they told me it's a morphine i'm looking like hold on you're sitting here telling me the same thing that just almost killed me is the same thing you're distributing it's a morphe and you're gonna give it to us and these people are gonna dumbly freely take it if i hadn't known that there was fentanyl in the blood i wouldn't have smoked it but my my heart swelled up like as big as my hand like not my fist open hand like my heart was big and they said it was for two three weeks i was coughing up packing up yellow stuff like what's wrong with me i can't breathe i'm having trouble in taking anything i couldn't eat couldn't sleep and when i finally went to sleep i laid down well i sleep in a fetal position i sleep like a baby so i lay down in the fetal position and i see myself get up i'm like okay i'm gonna go to the bathroom except for i forgot something i turned around i said oh my god oh my god jesus lord have mercy on my soul i'm sorry whatever i did please help me take it back i will take everything back i will change my life for good i turned around and i see me in the bed i said oh my god oh my god i'm not in my body what is wrong with this it's like a completely different type of life experience i do i double took i said oh jesus i'm not what the hell is going on i had to tell myself to lay back down i had that out of body experience where it's like look this was about to happen if you don't correct it i went to that hospital they put me in that bed for a week and tomorrow i actually go to a 90-day program to get better for my daughters they'll be placing my daughters with me in the program um it feels like an awesome thing being without my kids for this long has made me feel so empty and alone i kind of feel dead i'm not gonna sit here and lie people think that oh you don't have your kids go have fun experience life no there's no experience without them once you have your kids you have your kids and that's like a major part of you like i wake up looking for that little crash and that boom and bang like so i turn around like say you're gracious what did you just break and there's no say or gracious just ask what did you just break to it's it's the loneliness after a while the drugs doesn't matter anymore it went from fun to bland to black to i ain't even fit to do that no more because i'm losing everything i got i don't lost my car i'd have lost my house i don't lost my kids i've lost all my friends none of my family will talk to me that i do still have in existence and i was damn near closely losing you mark very very very close probably close to losing your life maybe and then almost lost my life at 25 years old i'm laying in the bed stroking out having a heart attack and that was not fun that was the worst experience i think i've ever had and to think like damn just for a drug i'm willing i'm laying here and i'm willing to exit my children's life for good and to have them wonder and ask all the same questions that i wondered and asked when i was growing up it's not a good feeling and we're sam i tell people all the time they say so what is your relationship with your kids so we're sam sayora aurora and megan we make sam we're together we're the is together they eat with me they sleep with me they shower with me they go to work with me not having that and doing so many drugs it's like okay your mind gets fogged and now that my mind's not fogging i got that slap in the face by reality it's like i gotta pick up where i left off with mark the first time i got to get back on my feet got to get back on that straight path and and ride that highway all the way through all the way to the pretty little light at the end and knowing that now and being able to talk to my daughters the other day was kind of like wow what the hell's wrong with you megan you've got two beautiful little girls and you out here thugging with the homies like you a i'm not a i'm out here selling drugs like i'm a smoking dope smart powder like i'm a homie it's not cute and then my daughters i didn't think about it like my daughter see a lot of stuff that i do and what made me really think was my daughter said what'd you say heffa i said huh hold on did what'd you just call me she said heffa i said this little baby just called me a heifer we got an issue little baby why you call me a headphone she said what you say i said okay so i see where this is going i see that they're following everything mommy does mommy says heffa you gonna say hessel i say what you say she turned around with the figure what you say he said well say say mommy said well no no don't talk to me and don't talk to my baby i said oh no my kid thinks she's grown and i see where i'm now i'm starting to see the same thing that happened with my mom within myself and i don't want to see that at all because now my mom is a heroin user she constantly tells me when i do talk to her i'm sick help me give me some medicine i'm sick hey keeps i'm laughing and spending 50 on some heroin so you go get high what's that look like but then i have to re-analyze myself like damn i just told you i'm about to go spend 50 on your high but i turn around and spend 50 on my high i don't even want to get high no more that slap in the face where reality even now i don't take my medication on time with this past week they've given me my blood pressure my heart medicine if i don't take that medicine on time i'm like i'm about to fall out about the dye i need some water somebody help me somebody read this for me i get to see in 3us and i don't want to have to go through that and i don't want to lose my life at such a young age at all and i think my daughters need me because the dad's not doing so well either of course last time we talked about their dad being a pimp um come to find out um this week while i was in the hospital he went to jail for stealing a car and spouse abused breaking some girl's rib that he said ain't no ain't no you don't love me you moved on ain't no why you doing why you do me like this said i did you last time i checked you left me standing in front of enterprise when i paid for the car and you took off said i got a badass mexican she's on you i hope you die to be talked to like that by my child's father and to see this stuff inside the system i'm like okay they need somebody somewhere one of us got to be strong one of us got to step up and i guess it's gonna have to be me it might be hard but it's so worth it i was looking at my babies the other day like you are so worth it i am so sorry baby girls like it make you feel up as a person after a while i don't see how a lot of that's why people say it's just a gateway drug a lot of people advance to these other higher drugs because the feelings i'll be honest it's a up feeling especially when you really think about my kids like damn my kids they're nice to be here they didn't ask for me as a mom so you got to kind of get back on your high horse and be like hey look i'm going to be mom today me and friday going back where we came from because they don't deserve to be treated like that because i was treated like that and i'm up in my head i got a lot of mental trauma and i don't want my daughters to ever have to experience that we don't have a lot of family so there's nobody else to take them their dad's in jail for beating on girls and stealing cars mom's over here on drugs about to die at 25 what are they left with nobody and i won't sell them like that it's a big challenge but it feels good to be able to say that after this whole entire week and all these little months that i've been lagging and bullshitting acting like i don't have kids and i don't have a life that i should be living it feels good to say that i'm getting clean i'm going to a 90 day program i want my kids back they're the biggest part of my life without them i'm nothing i'm a nobody i'm empty my life over been over since high school once you exit high school life's over you're just an adult now so go work you become a modern day slave and i live i like being my kids modern day slaves well you have so much potential megan you have so much potential i mean of all the girls on fig that i i mean you you and just a few others i've met had tremendous potential there's not a lot of the girls i guess they can use a lifestyle that getting used to it is it shouldn't become a custom and a lot of these girls get used to and i i just find myself every time i try to get like these girls i'm like oh it i'ma get on there little it i'm doing what everybody else doing what is it it's just being lazy and doing this as much as they beg for for money why can't you beg for a job the same way well i think it's the fast money that gets it addictive right that part but the fast money involves what now you have to be off drugs because you're up all night trying to get the fast money and once the fast money and the drugs get you fastly in jail nowhere fast and i got nowhere fast with a matter of what six months mark how far we get nowhere fast we got to a car lot and maybe to a hotel room to get like a weekly and that's about it that's the only place fast i got and i up i so i do apologize mark because you are a good friend and you don't have to help us it's a lot of us that are very very unappreciative because there's one that just can't stop bugging me about a mark and i'm like you don't even want to talk to mark you just want to see a pocket ring oh you did you call mark for me no how about i call mark for myself and apologize and how about i call mark for myself say hey mark look give me one last chance help me out look i'm gonna try harder this time we gonna work smarter not harder so this time mark i do apologize you are a very great friend and i do want the world to know that mark is one of the best friends you could possibly ever have like for reals like a lot of you don't get friends like this you don't get friends that are willing to give the hard-earned money this man get out here and he work hard for everything he has for him to just easily take it out of his pocket and be like here you go go it off on some drugs if my family knew what i was doing with people like i mean your daughters would probably be angry with you they would be yeah very very like dad i don't i don't even ask you for that much my daughter's kind of see it my uh my family back in chicago probably would think i'm insane yeah so they're probably they're probably looking they're like man what the has gotten into this guy yeah that's exactly as hard as we were getting him to work no but i mean but but i live my life how you want to and you know i want to and i believe that people like yourself deserve like a great chance in life and and you're not getting it and certainly working fig and all the drugs and all that and it's not something i don't choose it's not something i would choose to do but when we're in this type of environment at this point in age it's like you kind of have to do what you have to do if a offers the money of course i'm gonna take it because i ain't got you guys you guys came into a life with maybe some with struggle i don't i never experienced the silver spoon i never got to go to disneyland i didn't go to six flags i didn't have that fun child that i had that what's it like to go take your brother's toys and go put them on top of a wall and shoot them down with a bb gun what's it like to put a trash bag inside that trash can over there and we fill it up and we are playing it like it's a pool we had a rough i had a rough childhood like just we took the little stupidest stuff and made toys and made it live made it happy so the things that these kids have when they do have good families are like royalties and they don't understand that like i look at this because i'm like why are you up you come from a good family like that's a royalty you know that right well he yells in real time like that's a royalty bro like you know having your dad yell at you is something some of us want and we can't yeah you said royalty in the last talk too and i think i think what you actually mean is like a luxury yeah it's like a luxury or however people may put it it's something that is special to me in my eyes having a parent that's gonna sit there and yell at you is special that's something that we don't all get like i spent my life in juvenile hall and i'm looking at these girls like bro i just watched your mom bring you a whole birthday present to julie she brought you breakfast bro she came and visited you you get letters i think i did a max amount like a year and some change i didn't receive one letter the whole time i was there i didn't get the oh we love you and why are you fe i didn't get the why are you effing up you know serious when you don't even get that much so when i see kids i up i'm like you're a snob you're a little spoiled because you have everything that you could possibly ask for you got good parents even though they might yell at you but i would i wish people would have yelled at me these days where i get up and i'm like man why didn't correct me when i was that young and stupid like you know me my whole life you didn't know me since knee high and you ain't correct me one time you just sat there and watched me bump my head a million times fall backwards and bruise my ass and it's like a little merry-go-round and i'm tired to be on this merry-go-round because it's boring now it's like i want to experience i want a passport i want to go get on a plane and go to cuba and come back and be like hey look this is what me and my family did i can't do that if i'm steady off drugs all the time every little fifty dollars i get instead of going to get a room and washing my ass like every little fifty dollars he goes oh let's go to the dope man and that after a while for some people i don't know maybe it's just for myself that gets tiring and i'm at that phase where it's like i'm 25 going on 26 i got two kids and i still don't got to show for i got a bachelor's degree and an associate's degree i still don't have to show for why because a choice of a drug that just almost killed me i mean that that's a smart you you just almost died you can turn around and go use drugs right again right not even 15 minutes after you're out the hospital oh yeah where's the blunt in the car already oh that's a problem i said they said do you want to go to this program yup take me that's all i know is i want to go to this program well what makes you and we want to know why this is the only way you're going to get a bet is if you tell us why you want to do this program i said because i want my kids why do you want to be a mom so bad because it's a life-changing experience it's awesome it's fun it's it's live it gets active with my kids they do things that i'm like damn you never know how weird you are until you have a little you sitting right in front of you and i'll be weird to the cause the my daughters do is like wow my whole one-year-old had to come mommy what you doing i said eating so what you eating i said pizza she said what tiny pizza she's one years old having a full-fledged conversation like grown-up i said pepper she said oh you eating petra tony can i have some mommy look you stay right there mommy don't move you stay look at me mommy look look you stay right there i said wow i'm getting talked to like i'm two years old by my two-year-old like that is a big ordeal in my head so i like really look like damn and just off using drugs you don't realize how much time you exceed like all this stuff my daughter then started walking and talking and she wearing pull-ups and got a car and like whoa where'd this time go you run the streets i'm running the streets getting high off drugs and my daughter over here talking about some mom i got a binions and you one years old you you look fancy she look better than me in her little cars trust me she looked good driving that thing she said no you move i said okay ain't gonna touch the car she said mommy you want a dollar how my baby offered me a dollar i can't even offer her a dollar that's sad and then when you have good friends like you that are helping us like we really be it over and it's like we don't realize until after the storm that came through after everything told up after people like i'm not with you because you can't stop them drugs you can't get off the drugs you won't get out the streets you lose a lot of good people like that and mark's not type person that you want to lose like that marx wasn't people with time come or and you really in the struggle you ask him sincerely mark going to be there for you mark a real one all right i like helping people who are helping themselves exactly but when people are kind of just like here let help me so that i can help me get high yeah that's what it turns into that's what it really is like hey mark help me with 500 so i could take half that 500 and go get high off of it the other half i pay for a room for one day and the rest of it just gets off because somebody just stole it no and then some of the people have figured out that they can they can buy it and then hustle and do things that it's not cool like that because i had to caught myself lying to mark sometimes like uh you know you who you lying to right you lie in the mark this is your only help this is your only help the only reason why you're even out still i should have been in jail if it wasn't for you mark i'd be in jail i know i would why because i would have had no choice but to turn around and resort to hoeing again to being a prostitute all over again why because ain't nobody as generous as mark later that's what i do know ain't nobody about to hand me dollars i'd be like look run that they gonna be like here i forty dollar forty dollar you go forty dollar no no forty dollar i need help me no help me forty dollar no no no no sir sir look you know what buy that's the point that i need two of people the tricks want you to do something yeah they want to hear forty dollars really the low the lowest amounts for some of the most beautiful women i'll be rolling up another stroll like that i'm not sure what the tricks are offering out there but oh they are going to lower but there's there are some if they can get you included are some of the most beautiful women i've ever seen on figaro really i mean there's about three or four girls look as good as you though you know you make that tan look real good you're sweet but there are some girls and you would be on this list who are just like even the little lady look at you look at you you're you're amazing oh the girl yes the little lady she was out there like two days ago and some guy rolled up on her and he's like i'll give you 800 to pee on me and she's like okay i'm like wait what did i just see happen that should be illegal i mean what we're doing is already illegal but a that should be illegal right there is the politically correct term for her whoa for what would be the like i've spoken to her she said she wants to do an interview so she and she's a really nice person but to see that little itty bitty person just walk past you and like bobble her head past and she gets inside this car and it's like as little as you are how can you even ever be safe like you could feel safe doing what we're doing like i would feel so scared if i was her and to actually i was kind of jealous i didn't go live mark i was jealous i said eight hundred dollars i never got no faith like that to pee on you the six two girl doesn't get it but a small girl man mark i was out there looking at the way these girls was hustling i was like this is a whole new hustle they said the game don't change it's a damn lie cause the game changed game to change we got midgets out there we got i mean things that i've never seen i've seen them see cases like this i've got friends i tell them you need some rest they say no i don't need no rest see you need some rest no i don't need no rest and i got my friend down here with me and she said she didn't need no rest and she slump dog right now this what happens when we live in the life we think we could do something that we just simply can't we can't go 78 hours 84 hours with no sleep it's just not going to happen and then we get like this we want to crash i i like to say like this you bring crystal naughty is sure to follow whenever nadia come around know that it's gonna be some trouble something gonna get torn down i've been been in i had nadia slap me while i was driving doing like this nadia yeah we call her nadia who's nadia when you whenever crystal comes nadia comes with her because you know you got to fall out sometimes so nadia had me i'm just on the steering wheel like this yeah that's what i call nadia nodding you with crystal nady is sure to follow and noddy is a destructive i don't like nadia so i like to stick with mary jane even though mary jane ain't the best girl to be messed with she's better than crystal and nadia and crystal and nadia got me nowhere but broke homeless and in a jam so it feels good to actually say that i'm not on drugs right now good for you i'm getting healthy i'm getting my way back you look better never i mean my kids i could talk to my kids i had one of their cousins jealousy she was like i'm just wondering what are you doing here like tt first off you've never had a problem with me do you ask autry what she's doing here for the holidays do you ask any other girl in this family what they're doing here for the holidays no you don't so what is your business asking me why cuz i do drugs because you're a social worker that likes to lie on my paperwork and switch information in the court system oh well let me be quiet about you because it's about me what am i doing here what am i doing here is i'm here to pick up my mail and to check on my children a good mom regardless of what she does is always gonna check on her kids and i felt that kick in my ass and i felt like you know today i'm gonna go check on my kids i'ma stop being a bum mom and i'm gonna go check and see what my girls are doing see if they pop some fireworks see how they're eating see how their health has come to find out my daughter just got out of the hospital from a heart problem as well last week she was in the hospital for three days she was having she has a heart murmur so she was skipping beats and having a hard time breathing and that broke me down so far to where i literally sat and thought about it like damn making you really up like what happens is something happened to your baby you're so busy inside the streets doing drugs and playing with him her and and kazam that you ain't even know something happened to your daughter some of these girls don't care they drop them off with their moms and mom got em that's all they know mom got em but what if mom's not there next week what if grandma cause my kids are with their grandmother their grandmother's in their 60s i'm like what if grandma isn't there next week to to take her to the doctor because grandma could go at any time so i gotta be a bigger person and it feels awesome all aside not having drugs in your system life is so much more fun without the drugs like you go to wine testings and have fun you go do random ass stupid small walk on the beach go look at ducks go ride horses and it's fun but when you're on drugs nothing is fun nothing is fun just everything seems draining and you're always in need i'm tired of always being in need because how it looks from the outside looking another is not cute a pretty girl but you always need you always talk about so give me give me give me give me guys shot by a named no yesterday and give me ain't got back up because a mark said hell no give me i'm not giving you nothing and um with that being realized realizing that i'm about to lose a real good friend regardless if it be a money person or just a friend that's going to listen to me and understand me that's not going to judge me or make me feel any different than who i should feel like it's like damn i lost everything i'm about to lose that too the only to actually care enough to say megan don't do megan sit you ass down megan go to school and you don't want to lose a friend like that because once you lose that you do what my friend just did you might wind up jumping off the bridge my friend just last week jumped off of a bridge she said i'm gonna fly down there and she jumped luckily she is still alive she's okay and she's a very beautiful girl but she's been through a lot and that's the phase that i caught myself going to like at the point where it's like okay i want to go jump off a bridge i can't see my kids i have no life i'm young all everybody sees is pretty pretty pretty i'm not a slab of meat so all you see is pretty well can you see something else people don't understand i've been pretty my whole life pretty is not gonna make any difference you tell me i'm pretty i'm like cool i see myself like a regular person i'm no better than megan the stallion and i'm no no less than her nobody is better than anybody in this world and to actually have somebody make me feel like i'm worth it to tell me i'm beautiful and to be a friend about it and not be like hey look i told you you're pretty so give me some you know that's awesome feeling so to almost lose that plus my kids and almost my life at one time oh i thought the world was over this week i said this week is gonna be my final story it's over it's over it's hard to believe how good you look considering what you just went through you really look great you look healthy you know in my chest i'm still getting a lot of pain in my chest i do have a contusion i'm kind of disoriented a little bit but i think it's just having to get used to the new medications well i think whatever whatever that od or heart attack or whatever it is you had scared the out of me nobody but it your body doesn't recover like that it takes no it takes a few days or a week or whatever it's like when i wake up i feel like i've been shocked my whole body and the doctor did say the same thing you just said it's gonna take some time for you know for your body to get acquainted with these new medications and i'm like damn i gotta get acquainted with a heart medication no it'll probably you'll probably be back to no medication and everything will be fine just the thought of having to do that at 25 is like damn i'm up bad if i'm falling out of heart attacks 25 if it's like that really make you reanalyze your life and what you want to do and i just got done telling her i said why do you want to go i already finished school okay don't stop there well megan why do you tell me but you're oh well let me let me catch myself i'm telling you because i see me and you and you got a lot of potential and before you get as far up as i am up i'd rather try to catch it and put a hold on and let you know right now said it right later when you're up because i'm pretty damn up people see my face they're like oh you're like this perfect a1 person you gotta be rich you gotta have you gotta have i said no i like nice things i like looking appropriate so then if opportunity it presents itself i can at least try to take it even if i'm not the best or stable in my head i can try trying is better than just saying it i give up and that's the point i got to when i smoked that blunt with that person and that it i give up was like damn you said you give up god said okay i agree with you i said uh-uh god uh you weren't supposed to agree with me you just agreed to the foolish you didn't send me into a full-fledged heart attack at 25 years ago uh-uh no god you were supposed to disagree with me but god said you know what this is what you want you keep asking for it talk about so i hate my life you want to die so god agree with me like here you hate your life so much here go on with your bad self and my ass went right on into that hospital bed and cried like a little so it's oh my god i don't know i just want to come out of here i can't need no bed no more i look like a big baby i had all the doctors was coming in there laughing like there's a girl in here crying but you wasn't crying when you had that pipe in your mouth you wasn't crying when you were smoking that weed with drugs in it i'm looking like well damn i guess everybody's right i didn't do it nobody else did it to me but me and i don't want to do that to me anymore i want to maybe one day be an america's next top model i want to be able to show my daughters one day in a book like look look what mommy did this is accomplishment you know i want my kids to know what accomplishments are i don't want my kids to know that oh my mom said go slap that kid like that's not cute i'm not trying to be your homie i'm not trying to be your friend i want to be your mom i want to give you everything that i didn't have and in order to do that i have to be better i have to do this program i have to complete my 90 days i take my certificates to the court and i have to show them i worked hard and you know what the best feeling in the world is when you go for something and in your heart you have self-doubt and you tell yourself you can't do it and you turn around and you ace that and you complete it and you say damn this the best feeling in the world completion accomplishment saying i did that nobody else did that i did that now mark did that i did that that is the best feeling in the world and i'm trying to get the best feeling in the world besides that we'll be having my daughters in order to get that i have to go the steps that a lot of these women are not willing to take they want to change we got to start it somewhere somebody somebody got to be bold enough to be like okay i'll do it and that's how you break the cycle exactly and i'm trying to break the cycle i mean the generators start to get bad they get stupid or stupider they're getting reckless and more they're just like i don't care phase that everybody wants to go through and i'm like why why because a lot of these kids really come all these girls more than half the prostitutes you see have very good homes very very good homes i mean some of these parents live by you mark like in good nice areas pretty ass chandeliers i walk to the home girls i say well god damn you got a chandelier all the crystals and everything in hear why you sure your mom don't want me to take my shoes off she was looking to be like no you could walk on the carpet i'm looking like are you sure that looks like some long hair persian right there i don't know if you want me to welcome that with these tennis shoes you know i want that type of experience i want to be able to walk into my house and be like hey it i can get booty ass naked and walk around my house and say i did that because i worked hard for it not because i went over there and told that dude over there like hey empty your pocket uh-huh you about to get some ass so onto your pocket that's the most up feeling in the world to have to go home to because like now i can't even lay with the guy that i do want to lay with because i feel nasty i feel like damn who's going to want to lay with me like who's really going to want to wife a hoe who's really going to want to say hey will you marry me knowing damn well your girl's out there and she's selling her body for money and not even money the littlest money we're going to call that chump change she's selling herself a chump change you think a man's gonna want to lay with a woman like that no i want to experience life i want marriage i want a home i want a foundation i want to be able to be a cohabitant partner with somebody to say i can fight it in this person we did this together and i'm not gonna get that being a prostitute i'm not gonna get that being a drug addict i'm not gonna get that be no lazy bum stinking that's just laying around just to be there you know i wanna be phil i wanna feel important i wanna feel more than just here i want to feel like okay that's somebody to look at like how oprah and and you got vanessa williams all these ideals all these people that are big big people and they're like they came from the same position as me halle berry for instance she came from the mud right on up to what holly berry the baddest in the world from what we're here it's well holly don't want to be like holly barry i'm trying to be like you when i grow up you know i want that feeling of happiness of real joy and laughter and i'm willing to take every step possible to get there and it doesn't matter if i got to throw everybody away guess what today world all y'all gonna get thrown away everybody got to go in the trash can why because i want better for me and i want better for my daughters that's how you do it i'm 25 and i've never been to disneyland it's my it's right right next door to where i live like i can't even go to disney i can't afford disneyland that's sad nick can't afford a lego lamp can't afford universal studios right now should i barely afford the sandwiches i know it sounds really crazy coming out of somebody like you look at me and you're like oh this this just said she can't afford a sandwich yeah you damn right i just said that i can't afford a sandwich if it wasn't for mark i wouldn't be afforded nothing today not even a room but that's me just being brutally honest with myself and i guess you got to get like that sometimes you got to be brutally honest with yourself i think that's the only way and it hurts i ain't gonna lie i'll be beating myself up some days like man i don't want to get up like shoot i get up i might have a problem with myself today shoot i might go to the mirror and yell at myself but i gotta go to the mirror and say hey you're beautiful you can do this rock on it's another day we this is one more chance to to make it happen every day god give you as a gift you got to live it to the fullest and you gotta abide by the laws of uncle sam and then you also have to abide by being a normal human being a mom a parent you could be a father you could be a mother but that doesn't mean that you're a father or a mother you could be a dad there's a dad and there's a father there's a mother and there's a mom a mom put me here a mother raised me i want my daughters to have that i didn't get a period talk i came out the bathroom one day and i was like oh my god i'm dying my sister's laughing at me like what are you talking about i'm like look i'm dying i'm showing them my panties and they're like oh your mom didn't tell you what period was i'm like no what was period you know i don't want my daughters to have to experience that in school with the little red marks on their little butts and you know it's embarrassing and when you can't teach your kids how to be a proper a proper little girl it's like damn where did i steer myself wrong at all them drugs that crystal and that nadia over there coming together they're gonna whoop your ass every single time i don't care how much money you got every single time you gonna get your ass whooped every time be halle berry rich and get your ass what buy a drug and lose everything because i look at that dude from uh that's a raven the eddie kid oh boy that boy didn't lost every mmm that boy lost his mind it sounds really bad cause i shouldn't be talking about people because i'm going through it myself but those are the reasons why i can actually sit back and look at myself and be like you do not want to be that one like because he went from being this big cool dude everybody knew from that so raven eddie eddie eddie that's the one that raven that chelsea like and now you look at him cuz he smoked out ain't got none of his teeth he wear pants on top of pants that got sweatpants he got a bandana up here a bandanna right here a bandana over here got a cup with two day old coffee sliding it swinging it over here i don't want to be that one person that ended up like that everybody say i remember that girl from high school this is our 40th reunion and that's her over there remember when all the boys fought over that's her right there people going what looking like shenay from martin i'm not i don't want to be that mark i want to be somebody bigger and better i want to be an inspiration especially to a lot of these little girls because some of them don't have the courage or the will power to say okay i'm gonna keep trying including your girls exactly and i'm their biggest idol yeah you do not what you say you know i'm their star like i tell guys you're your daughter's first love you're her king without you she's gonna be she gonna do what she will do your daughter probably gonna wind up a hole i knew it would be i ain't gonna sit here and lie brutally honest your daughter probably will wind up a hoe or one of them little luguchi mamas at school wearing long nails and want to be your friend talk about some mom i think this boy will you see this what i don't think that that's appropriate and that's a lot of what's going on these women are being their kids friends rather than being their moms and it's kind of like damn i'm looking at them and i'm looking at myself i look at my daughters my daughters are so smart like they're so smart my daughter taught me how to pin a screen and i'm like you're one years old like how'd you do that and she's like mom mom mom look mom she grabbed my chin come here mama look mom and show them i said this i'll be damn this little baby just showed me how to pin the screen i feel as hell i don't want my kids teaching me i'm supposed to be teaching my kids the kids is making better money than us nowadays i had a little boy say hey you come here he said you got twenty dollars i said oh well my bad no i got no twenty dollars for your little ranch yourself little baby go kick push somewhere oh you ain't got no money i ain't talking to you i said well i think we need some hustle like that in our bones because these girls will take twenty dollars and go lay down in an hour leave i don't want that i'm trying to feel the ac i want to go get me an apartment with some nice couches and some cable and be like kid get out my face for a little bit mommy on moncation you know it sucks not waking up with them it sucks not having a life anymore because trust me i had a three bedroom house i had three cars nice yard my daughters had ball pits and tents and all types of stuff and i lost it all because i wanted to smoke the urge of smoking well maybe what happened to you this week might be the best thing that ever happened to you yeah what happened to me this week even though it was the scariest thing and it's not anything anybody should have to experience at 25 that heart attack was hands down the best thing that happened to me this week even though it was the worst it was the best because if it wasn't for that heart attack my eyes would still probably be down on uh what's that 121st and fig chilling at the big old edge oh doing nothingness with my life sitting in the corner looking at the homie cell drugs there's nothing good that happens today there's nothing that will tell us there's nothing good well it is the same homies my my friend said you leave your hood for one year and you come back them ten broke you seen from that corner gonna be the same ten broke you see on the corner when you come back now if you walk your ass over there and you sit with him that makes you what the 11th broke dumbass that then went over there and sat there i don't want to be that 11 dumb broke ass i'm trying to be that 11 rich ass i'm trying to be a protege i'm trying to be somebody that woke up and did something i don't went from dirt to i got a couple stacks i might only got a little four thousand dollars in my bank account but it's something more than nothing and my nothing is eating at me like i'm tired of getting ate out by nothing cause i get hungry i'm a human i want to sleep i want to go take a shower i want nice clothes i want to see what it's like to put on some nice jewelry that's real jewelry but most of all i want my daughters that is the best part of my life and i can't live without them so i'm gonna go do this program and i'm about to show the whole world megan can when my dad said we're mexicans not mexicans so i'm gonna make it happen because i got two little people watching me and then little people was depending on me to be better than my mom was to actually be there you know i think about how my daughters feel when they wake up in the mornings and it breaks my heart like damn i wonder if my daughters are smart enough to know like okay i'm waking up and i'm looking for my mom but she's not there i want to be there every single step from here on now i don't know what my daughter's like right now because last time i see she was in car seat and it's up because i feel like i missed so much already like not getting to see her going through the first talking phase or her first steps it should make any mom want to wake up and get off drugs because when you look back and you see your kids and how beautiful they are it's like wow i made them i did that but an even better feeling to say i taught them that i showed them how to be women i showed them how to say no to drugs willpower it's not what you can give your child at all it's never been that it's the time and the consistency because if i could replace my jordans with my father's time or my mom's time i would replace every pair of shoes i got in my closet just for that little bit of time that's how valuable it is and with that being said i'm about to go real world and knock out this 90 day program for my girls i'm proud of you and hopefully do another interview and come back a little bit chunkier and a little bit better i might have a ponytail next time you see me you know my hair grown back i'm going through the phases of life and i went through the i'm chopping my hair off face my hair was to my butt like all my real hair at my ass i one day i don't know what the hell got into me but i grabbed my ponytail i was like going through some trauma within myself i want me back i want to feel grounded i want to feel okay i want to be a mom all over again because that's the best thing that ever happened to me was having my daughters and if it wasn't for them quite frankly i'd probably be dead all bs aside because i was prostituting big in las vegas and my first daughter was born in las vegas and that's around the time a lot of these girls were coming up in body bags stuffed inside the drains and you know coming up missing found behind the hotel on the train tracks i would really probably be dead because i was this close to a man killing me trying to go get them a couple of dollars not for them not for my little feet but for him that same hymn that turned around and ran me over on my 21st birthday the same hymn that broke my jaw the same hymn that said i wish you die the same him that said i got a badass mess can she's on you you're in you're never gonna have and you'll never be what do you think keeps so many girls with their pimps they it's not that they love them a lot of times it's that they scare us they'll scare you into they'll because as many times as they've put their hands on you you already know okay what's coming when he's angry so you already bracing yourself prepared and it's he scares me that much to where i will stay with the that's hurting me because i'm that scared to leave because i don't know what he'll do if i leave is he gonna follow me down that street just like what happened on my 24th birthday i tried to tell him i didn't do anything to you you left me for somebody else and you're mad at me he ran me over so imagine what it is if you're their money and they're only money and you turn around and try to walk away it's the scare the what am i gonna do if i turn around is he gonna hit me if i turn around am i gonna get a gun put to the back of my head if i turn around will i be breathing in five seconds it's the the force and that alpha that that we run it all but i look at it like this am i paying you for because you sat in the car and looked at me through the car window you could have ten dollars how about that that's what i mean pimps nowadays these are the weakest pimps i've ever seen y'all pimping for a sack of some cocaine in what a room for one night that you're not even with your woman you're in there with five other guys at that so it's just everything nowadays in the game it just looks bad and i i'm tired of it i'm tired of living the life i'm tired of being in the game i'm tired of hustling i'm tired of struggling for the next meal i'm tired of struggling for diapers and how i'm gonna send the kids this and how about it's time to struggle the right way because when you work hard for it the the reward at the end of the tunnel is so much better i swear to god it is because i've worked and i've gotten there before and when i got there i up and i started doing drugs because i thought hey i'm here i did it i already made it you know i got the money i got the truck i got the house i got everything going on but you're not supposed to stop once you get there you're supposed to keep going and i should have took that from what your life is mark you kept going you didn't stop because hey i got one interview hey i took one picture hey i got one friend that's rich you kept going and striving you got kids and i realized that now like okay these kids ain't gonna stop growing these little people gonna keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger my little me's and that means that i can't stop either that means that i'm going to push every day i love construction i do construction most guys are like oh you do struggle yeah i do construction i build houses i knock houses down i paint i know how to do stucco pavement electrical plumbing you name it i'll bust down i haven't come work on your car but it's wanting to put the power and the effort behind it and a lot of us are very talented women you have a lot of talented women out here working these streets but people see us as street workers so they don't want to give us the opportunity so the women don't want to try hard enough to at least change because the first thing they see is oh you're a prostitute oh we can't we can't let you work here you're a prostitute you know and it's not gonna change unless we as women get up and start to change that whole ordeal i mean the county everything's free right now how could you not change like i don't understand how people are broke right now everybody's getting edd but everybody's broke how are you broke y'all getting thousands of dollars i don't get edd i don't get the stimulus checks i don't get none of that i don't even get county i don't get food stamps i don't get nothing everything comes out of my pocket literally and that is the hardest thing to do in life is pay for everything out of pocket i swear if i get county and all that free i so would but because the jobs that i've worked before stops me from receiving the benefits now but the outcome at the end is so awesome you might be beat and toe up fingernails toe back looking like who did it and why but the feeling you could get when you lay on your couch dirty as pain on your face toes stinking is like wow this is a great feeling i just worked my ass off and i did something that nobody else did and it was productive same way you could go tag on the wall and go to jail the same way you go find you a piece of cardboard laminate it take that little piece of art and go up to venice and sell it people buy stupid at venice all the time so why not take that art form and be productive rather than be destructive i had to learn the hard way and that heart attack taught me so i'm going to be bigger and better this week starting tomorrow at 9am i am going to become a different person you guys will see this whole transformation in about 90 let's get 95 days i got to give it a little extra time on the end you know got to prep myself when i come back i got to come back correct but i'm going away for 90 days hopefully mark will have another interview ready for me and you guys will see 90 days into what a transformation from a street mom a prostitute a hustler a whatever you want to call it because people have different names jezebels whatever you want to call them everybody has a different name but you will literally see the transformation and the happiness within somebody within me i'm gonna use myself for the perfect example for everybody first time you guys see my interview my face was more so like right now i'm like smiling i'm happy i'm like life i'm living it you know and it's awesome feeling like there's no drugs it feels good to say there's no drugs finally like it feels good to be able to go to sleep and wake up like bro staying up all night is not fun you'll be worn and torn by the morning time so my 90 day challenge and this y'all 90 days to sit here and sulk and think like damn what is megan go come back out this program looking like what is her going to be what's going to be her new attitude what's she going to be doing in this 90 days where will megan have gotten and i'm going to come back and i'll be like look i got this certificate i got that certificate i got my kids i'm working on a house i'm working on another car i have goals and i'm going to meet them it's not there's no question it's i'm gonna do it period and for everybody that said that i couldn't do it this is me saying that i'm gonna do it and you guys can literally physically see somebody that wants you to see them be a transformation because at the end of the day just this one interview could change a lot of lives because i want to change i can make somebody else want to change because the positivity and the strive that i'm gonna have behind this i got too much tenacity a lot of these women got too much tenacity too much drive too much smarts but it's like somebody has to push them mark pushed me that's what mark you're a big reason why i'm wanting to do the program to go get better i'm like damn i just lost the only friend i got everybody else just want to use me up want to abuse me want to think i'm a slab of meat oh you pretty can i get a like no you can't pretty it you're like a big influence on my life mark like to actually get up and want to do something better with myself and it took for me to meet this whole person that i'm like where did you just fall out of the sky from mark like you're just a super-sized giant white guy and i never seen a super-sized giant white guy before but you're like awesome you're different and you want to help us like why are you wanting to help us people from the hood and when you reanalyze yourself you're like damn there are people that do have money that are willing to help us but we want we have to want the help and i want the help and i'm going to show you what getting the help does after 90 days in a program wanting to get your life back together because i want my life back i don't know about anybody else but speaking for myself i want my life back i want my kids back i want happiness i want joy and laughter and i'm gonna get that starting this week i can't wait so i will see you all 90 days see you in the fall yes we make peace in our chicken grease we trying to how they say elevate i only want people in my life that want to elevate and i want to elevate so for everybody that does know megan everybody that see me before walking the streets at a store at a walmart hi hello you said i couldn't i'm saying i can 90 day transformation and i see your soon shoot they're going to be it's time baby it's time baby i'm so proud of you you're awesome you're amazing you are like this without you i think i might have been jumping off a bridge by themselves

Channel: Soft White Underbelly

Views: 369,840

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Id: tGhQdBizQGg

Length: 61min 45sec (3705 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 10 2021