Master your Mindset, Overcome Self-Deception, Change your Life | Shadé Zahrai | TEDxDRC

what if you were limitless what if every single day you knew that nothing or no one would get you down what if self-doubt was replaced with unshakable conviction imagine how your life would play out over a week a month or even a year imagine the snowball of momentum and confidence regardless of external setbacks we all know those remarkable even obsessive people that really go for it they truly live their potential with conviction what's the key difference between this tiny subset of movers and shakers and a majority with equally lofty aspirations that never really get there i've had the good fortune of working with thousands of leaders at some of the most influential companies around the globe my business helps them to boost their performance and part of the process includes identifying and removing obstacles that get in their way as i engaged with more and more leaders i started to notice a pattern emerging among those that operated with a limited mindset versus the limitless minority it turns out what held back most of these otherwise exceptional and talented people wasn't a lack of skill experience or even resources it was often rooted in a relationship with the closest and most influential person in their lives and this person would always appear to care but instead would sabotage their progress and growth you have such a person in your life too they're much closer than what you realize because they exist up here in your mind i am not talking imaginary friends i'm talking about your inner deceiver it's that insistent voice in your head that judges you demeans you shines a spotlight on your weaknesses and because most aren't even aware of it it can lead to destructive self-doubt and even self-sabotage it was clear to me that the happiest most fulfilled and highest performers had figured out how to subdue their inner deceiver in fact in the patterns i observed there wasn't just one inner deceiver i identified five of the most common archetypes and now i'm going to expose them to you because you won't be able to subdue them without first recognizing them and the prerequisite to operating with a truly limitless mindset is that you first need to free yourself from their clutches let's start with the deceiver i call the classic judge as the name suggests the judge likes to judge you what you did what you didn't do what you should have done criticizing every decision and blaming you for things outside of your control when you ruminate on past failures with an unforgiving lens that's not you that's the classic judge preventing you from learning from the past and instead beating you down most psychology researchers agree that these deceivers begin to emerge based on the parenting you received when you were a child if you had a critical controlling or demanding parent you come to internalize this judgment and it manifests within you as an adult so you give yourself the same critical judgment you develop an inability to acknowledge anything positive about yourself or your performance and it's extremely damaging the second deceiver is the victimizer she has a way of convincing you that the universe is rigged to conspire against you she fills your mind with excuses and robs you of your willpower conversations with the victimizer sound like see this always happens to you every time an opportunity comes up somehow you get screwed over you're never going to be good enough for them so what do you do you give up you stop trying because your victimizer reminds you what's the point anyway you can't win you never win next we have the deceiver i call the misguided protector your protector says things like whoa whoa slow down did you think this through you don't know enough you're not qualified you're too old too young you'll mess up don't do it it tries to protect you from a risk of failure judgment or criticism how by keeping you paralyzed so you don't take any action because then you're safe but you're also stuck if your parents set high standards for you and excessively criticized you when you failed to meet these standards for example you got an a why couldn't you get an a plus like your perfect cousin julio you may hear it as your misguided protector up here which leads you to fear failure and never feel ready second to last is the ringmaster the ringmaster is all about productivity guilt if you're not familiar with the term it's when you have an unhealthy drive to keep working because you feel guilty when you stop the ringmaster is very good at brainwashing you into believing that your worth and merit as a person are directly correlated to how productive you are you achieve a goal feel no satisfaction and immediately jump to the next goal the unfulfilling treadmill of achievement addiction but the thing is no matter how hard you push yourself or what you achieve you will never be good enough or have done enough for the ring master our survey of two and a half thousand people globally found an overwhelming 93 experience this guilt frequently putting themselves at risk of burnout maybe you haven't met any of these deceivers yet but instead are well acquainted with this last one closely related to the ring master it's the neglector when you feel insecure in your worth you anticipate rejection so you constantly seek validation by prioritizing the needs of everyone else if you didn't receive emotional validation as a child or you had a parent that was hard to please you might work really hard as an adult to try and seek approval from everyone around you partners peers co-workers your boss and then whenever you don't receive it it's an automatic trigger and you have a conditioned need to win it back the neglector drives you to give beyond your capacity leaving you exhausted drained and overwhelmed so the stakes are high if you listen to these deceivers you buy into their narrative and give them power over you the good news is that change is possible you can break free from these limits the first step is awareness if you have a classic judge hurling judgment and criticism at you for everything that you do call it out classic judge i know you're trying to convince me that i'm incompetent right now but i'm choosing not to listen calling it out in this way is a form of psychological distancing where you're referring to this part of yourself in the third person we know from science that third person self-talk helps you gain emotional distance from your deceiver allowing you to think with more rationality if you notice your victimizer making you feel like you should just give up because the world is against you shift to an internal locus of control accept the fact that you can choose what you focus on at any moment you can choose to focus on things outside of your control and feel powerless or you control what you have control over instead of saying look at what happened to me look at what they did to me use a technique called cognitive shifting and consciously redirect your attention to okay this is what's happening in my life this is where i want to be and this is what i'm going to do about it now you're speaking from a position of personal power you take responsibility for what's within your control and choose to take action what if you hear your misguided protector in your psyche trying to convince you that you'll fail so you shouldn't try at all i have my own experience with my misguided protector chances are i wouldn't even be here or where i am today if i listen to it back in march of 2020 when the world was suddenly in lockdowns all of our business bookings were either cancelled or postponed and our business was dead in the water so i was curious about experimenting with an app called tick tock i wanted to create content and see if we could help people through that platform but then my protector woke up and said people will think you're ridiculous you're way too old for that it's going to ruin your reputation and i listened to my protector for two months until i didn't anymore i decided to take action instead i created 40 pieces of video content in one day this way i couldn't back down for 40 days no matter what my protector said and you know what all it took was 40 days to see tens of thousands of followers start to accumulate i didn't make perfection the goal i made the process the goal and nearly two years later we have a million followers on that platform and over 2 million across all major social media platforms which has been the best marketing for our business taking us global and allowing us to help people all around the world and none of that would have happened if i'd listened to my protector and stayed safe so if you ever feel your protector taking over grab a blank sheet of paper and write down all the protectors arguments then ask is this scenario likely to happen what's the worst that could happen realistically take time to rationally risk assess and you'll likely find it's just your protector being overly dramatic given the protector tries to keep you safe by keeping you stuck the best antidote is to take action don't worry about getting things right the first go don't make perfection the standard just act be consistent and be open to growth make the process the goal now the ringmaster if you feel undeserving of taking a break and feel guilt or shame when you do change the narrative in your head value yourself for who you are not what you've done stop wearing busy as a badge of honor remind yourself of your qualities the value you add to the lives of others how you make a difference write this down and with this sense of empowerment pragmatically set healthy boundaries so that you have a more balanced life working hard at times is not a bad thing but risking burnout is counterproductive to performance and finally those of you who have a loud neglector i know what you're going through early in my career my neglector was loud i would constantly over apologize when i hadn't done anything wrong agree with people when i actually disagreed on principle avoid any possibility of conflict and would say yes of course when i really meant no i was a people pleaser to the point of sacrificing who i truly was i gave away so much of myself in my efforts to be approved of that i no longer knew who i was but you can't be limitless if you have nothing left inside to give if you have a strong neglect of like i did you need to overcome the codependency and acknowledge your worth is not linked to how you think others see you if you let people's perception of you dictate your behavior you will never grow as a person and when you do choose to give of yourself in the future ask am i doing this out of compulsion for approval or is it in a true spirit of service so these are the five inner critical deceivers the archetypes i've identified cross-culturally with people all around the world and what's really interesting is that we've observed that many high performers believe that these inner deceivers are central to driving their performance while outwardly they appear successful allowing their core driving force to emanate from the fear of failure envy greed seeking approval and status is a proven source of unhappiness constant stress and a lack of fulfillment what they failed to realize was that they've become trapped in the obsessive prison of self my needs my pain my success how people see me so they continue to operate through a desire to avoid negative states and outcomes instead of being in a limitless mindset it's a bad deal here is a better deal if our reality is indeed our thoughts emotions and how we uniquely experience the world then i invite you to acknowledge that there is a second side to us our higher nature if you will one that is intrinsically motivated by a desire to express excellence confidence being of service love creativity courage and justice this is the limitless aspect of our nature that is liberated from the prison of the insistent self and as you consistently put in the work to decouple from your inner deceivers integrating the practices i've shared with daily routines of meditation journaling prayer and reflection i want you to remember that each one of us has the power to operate from our higher our limitless nature the struggle to keep them at bay is a lifelong one but i promise you as you distance yourself from these voices your life will begin to transform so i have a challenge for you seriously commit to reframing your relationship with your inner deceivers acknowledge they exist be aware of them and learn to discern between rational thought and the voices of the ego your prison of self it limits you when you break free your thoughts become limitless you become limitless thank you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 1,663,883

Keywords: English, Life, TEDxTalks

Id: 4AzpmZ7AjaQ

Length: 14min 13sec (853 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 30 2022