Mary survived satanic cult rituals

I was really badly heard and one of the men told my father you went too far this time she's going to die and my dad was just like she's mine I can do what I want this episode is sponsored by better help online therapy visit betterhelp.com Padilla because sometimes existing is exhausting and if you want to watch this episode with no ads completely uncensored because this topic is innately going to have a lot of censorship click the join button down below to become a member anyway hello Mary hi we originally reached out to you because we wanted you to be part of our human trafficking Survivors Episode but your story is just way too complex I feel like it needed its entire own interview for us to get deep into all the elements of your story thank you can you get into the things that you witness as a child first I want to say that my life is really good now my recovery though was from tele trafficking my parents were my pimps they prostituted me they took time of me and they also some of the abuse would be considered by some people's Satanic ritual abuse the things that were done to me are done to other children and included being placed in a coffin with a corpse wasn't just any corpse it was my sister my sister died when I was nine and she was 11 and she was the person in the family I could trust I couldn't we couldn't trust our parents and so I had some memory of of thinking she was the lucky ones because she died she had brain cancer she died in a hospital she was not murdered but then her body was taken to our church and I was there it was in the middle of the night or wee hours of the morning and they made me watch while they um mutilated my sister's body they put a knife in my hand and I've wondered like how did they get me to do that and I I really felt guilty that I had uh cut my sister's body but really my dad just said do it and I did it I mean we were that's just how it was well he gave you plenty of reasons to fear Him oh yeah so many reasons to fear him before I went to um kindergarten we had a cat that had kittens and so you know we love the little kittens and they made us stand at the side of the house while they in a ritualistic way killed our kittens they threw the kitten at the house and they had water there to drown kittens I mean these were several different kittens but we had to stand for a long time watching our kittens die and then they said the same thing will happen to you if you tell about the abuse and you block these memories out for a very until I was 37. so when I was first remembering my abuse I kept having this image of my body as an adult being thrown at a wall and I couldn't understand what that was about but eventually I realized it was the kittens being thrown at a wall I experienced another ritualistic event was witnessing a black man being murdered on a cross yeah I was about eight years old being in a my dad's station wagon my mom and dad in front and doc I call him Dr D in the back seat with me and then we went to this Shack out in the country and um the man led us into his house there were two women and there was another little girl who was just my size the man knew knew us a knew my father he let us in and then when he did a gun was pointed at his head and then the man was put tied to the cross and a gun was held up my head a gun was held at the little girl's head and then um eight millimeter camera that was my mom took footage of it and um apparently the kind of people who like to see films of black men being murdered also like to see little girls without clothes on because I was made to do something to that man while he was on the cross he was told that if he would go along with it and pretend to die willingly like Jesus Christ did that the little girl wouldn't be killed and and so he did but then as soon as he died as soon as this last breath then the gun went off and the little girl was killed and the gun was at your head as well there was a gun at my head but it was taken away at that point and I I was told you know to to leave my mom grabbed my Hannah I was supposed to leave because they set The Shack on fire and so I remember that I did not want to leave with the bad people I wanted to stay with the good people and die I knew I would die the women were tied up in the kitchen area of it and one of the women called out to me and said oh girl you go you go and you tell what happened and I used to think the the woman was saying tell what happened to me tell what happened to us but no she was saying tell what happened because she wanted me to have a reason to want to grow up I've grown up and I've told and I appreciate this opportunity to tell ritual abuse that was ritualistic with the white cross black man and my therapist when I told her about it she said well that's a lot of imagery so maybe it's symbolic so that night I I have cousins with similar memories so I called one of my cousins and I told him what happened and I said did that happen to you and he said the black men I saw crucified were homeless they weren't men with families so he has seen black men crucified on crosses and other of my cousins have to and I've tried to call like the police and report this because murder there's no statute of limitations but you have to know where it happened and I just knew I lived in the Seattle area I was put in a car it seemed like I was driven a very long ways I fell asleep in the car I could have been driven to Canada or I could have been you know still in Seattle area and the the ritualistic abuse you know they were doing rituals to others and the abuse was forcing you to be there and witness it is that right or were you incorporated into it beyond that I was five it was before we left our old house and well another way they had killed kittens was hanging them so I knew you would die with a rope around your neck they put a rope around my neck and there were several men and that's the time I saw my mom take money from the men so it was sex trafficking as well as but it it's ritualistic in that there were several men and they would pass me from one man to the next and I wouldn't know if he would drop me and then I would die and he passed you know I was passed to several different men and I was really badly hurt and one of the men told my father you went too far this time she's gonna die I heard him say that and my dad was just like she's mine I can do what I want and I really wondered if I was gonna die but my mother didn't care she that was perhaps the hardest part of that day because I just looked at my mom and I wanted her to care I was really really badly physically hurt and she just didn't care and that's when I tell about my abuse I really want survivors to know that the emotional abuse was as bad as any of it so I don't want survivors to compare what happened to me what happened to them because maybe theirs was emotional maybe it was psychological maybe it was a one-time instant and that still can affect you deeply do you blame the people in your life for not seeing the signs that you were being abused when you were being abused I didn't show any signs of abuse I was the best dressed kid in class I mean my mom would make my clothes I mean I looked like I was very well nourished and so we looked like the perfect family we went to church all the time the only way you're going to detect the kind of abuse I experienced with such intelligent and evil appearances I had is through investigations do you think that people are born evil or do you think they become evil I know for a fact they were abused and so they did the same thing that was done to them one way I know that my mother was abused by her father is I saw my mother have sex with my maternal grandfather it happened enough that he would go into my mother mother's bedroom with him and they would give me chocolate chip cookie dough and so that would be to distract me so I would eat the chocolate chip cookie dough but one time they had me come in my uh my grandfather had me come in and abused me and my mother's reaction instead of being protective she beat me after that was over because she said I'm his only special little girl far beyond what a yeah a mother would do and people wonder why someone might repress yes yes it was to stay alive yeah in your documentary it was even mentioned a lot of times when children do experience abuse especially abuse from a guardian figure the only way for them to cope and survive when they're relying on that person to survive many times is to block out their memory yeah and that happens all the time it does when did the abuse eventually stop it didn't end when I was a teenager it continued to where I was a young adult did you have trouble remembering those memories that it had continued into adulthood I had trouble sharing the fact that that happened they could get me and hypnotic state and um they did that when I was a child and they drugged me sometimes too but they could get me in this state so they could keep getting me in this state later and into my young adulthood but why it quit happening was because I started becoming my own person I mean the way I was raised I had no sense of personhood and I started seeing that I could make decisions I was making important decisions as a social worker and um yeah I started trusting myself do you remember the moment when you first realized that you had these memories that this part of your life that kind of seemed like a void in terms of your memories they actually had all these colorful images attached to them I was not the first one in my on my extended family to remember so I had an aunt and three cousins with similar memories and um she talked to my parents my parents had come to visit me and I lived in the same city as my aunt so I said well how did your visit go and they said oh well we think she's crazy we're never going to see her again they said she thinks she was sexually abused by her grandmother by our you know my father said by our grandmother so when my parents left eye contact my aunt and said would you be willing to meet with me so we met she told me I had witnessed abuse and when she said that I knew it was true there was a part of me that just went yeah that's that happened and so then I went to uh I I was in counseling with my ex-husband we were in marriage counseling at the time and so I stayed with that same counselor and she said well just Journal just write down anything you remember from your childhood no matter how benign just anything and so I started doing that I was just in my living room alone sitting on the couch and I was looking at the wall across from me and I saw a man's hand holding a dog roughly and that was my first image so I went to my counselor and I asked for hypnosis she just had me go up the man's hand and I could see it with my dad what was it like that moment realizing that there was a part of your childhood that you would suppress what was it like knowing that there was this whole new world to uncover this horrifying world to uncover you know what one of the things that struck me the most is just you know I loved my dad I didn't want it to be true because of me but I didn't want it to be true because of him and I remember thinking you know I would give every physical possession I have to be able to continue to have a relationship with my father but I had young children and that was just I had to protect them so I called him and told him about the I haven't seen the man's hand as the only memory I had and he said is this going to lead you to think I sexually abused you I'm like what no no I I don't think so so he's the one who brought that up he volunteered that information he said I guess this means I'll never see you again and I'm like I don't see that either after that first memory that was you know the soul member but then the next time I went to hypnosis the memory of my sister's mutilation of my sister's body came and for some reason and this just shows how Thrifty of a person I am but the session wasn't over yet and I'm like well we can keep going and so another memory came which was really upsetting I started getting these memories just Relentless I mean as I was falling asleep at night I'd remember more as I was waking up in the morning just during the day I'd have memories when you first recover these memories many people did not believe you and maybe they still don't believe you they say that it's it's too far-fetched and ridiculous that sounds like something you only see in movies or read about in books it hasn't actually happened to people and then they say that there's no way that you can repress a memory like that and then suddenly recover it so you made a documentary and one of your goals with that documentary was to sit down and have an honest conversation with the people who doubted you there's even a foundation what is it the false memory Foundation yes false memory syndrome Foundation yeah and their their whole idea is to paint this picture that people who recover memories of being abused in their later life or making it up yeah I got to talk to the founder of the false memory syndrome foundation on camera there was a part of me an unhealed part that thought it was kind of like going back to seeing my mom who's at that point deceased and I just kind of thought maybe I could talk her into believing my memories are true and then she would believe her own daughter the the people in this organization many of the people in this organization are accused parents and I think she thought she could get me to not believe my memory and you know of course neither happened she really did try to make you believe that your memories she did she did and that was a lot and I saw people in the comments sharing the same feeling I had where they're like it must be the most difficult thing almost how could you sit there with someone telling you that your memories are false these these memories that you have that completely shaped who you are implying that you're a liar they were hard interviews I am so glad that I have that behind me I'm not I'm not gonna put that myself in that position again but the footage to me is just amazing some people might say I'd rather not remember a horrifying situation my body did a great job of keeping that traumatic event from being part of my everyday recollection do you feel better having I unlocked all these memories my life is so much better I remember it was maybe a year after all my memories came about looking in the mirror and I could see the light in my eyes I used to just stay worried all the time I'd have some worry this worry that worry about my social work cases whatever but I would be constantly worried because I had to block out so I didn't remember and now I mean I can enjoy the food I eat I can I I just I have such a nice life and for just a quick moment I'd like to thank our sponsors who helped make this series possible so huge thank you to better help for sponsoring this episode therapy has helped reframe my view of the world and myself by allowing me to feel empathy for my younger self and therefore understand who I am today better but therapy can be customized to whatever is right for you and can be useful in helping with motivation or feelings of depression anxiety stress insecurity or whatever else you might need better help screens all their therapists to ensure that they have experience and that their certified license and provides customized therapy that offers video phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone or speak over the phone if that's not something that you're comfortable with one of the most difficult Parts about getting into therapy for me was finding a therapist that I actually connected with and the price of finding a therapist can be expensive and overwhelming which is why betterhelp offers a more affordable alternative to in-person therapy where you can start communicating with your therapist in less than 48 hours and those are just some of the reasons I'd like to thank better help we're giving I spent a day with viewers and listeners 10 off their first month at betterhelp.com that's better help.com and I'd also like to thank honey for sponsoring this episode honey of course is the easy way to save when you're shopping on your iPhone or your computer it's a free browser extension that scours the internet for promo codes and applies the best one that defines your cart so you no longer have to stare at that empty discount code box because if honey finds a working coupon a little honey button drops down and all you have to do is Click apply coupon and honey supports over 30 000 stores online ranging from Tech to popular fashion brands and even food delivery so no matter what you're set I personally been getting more into reading lately and honey has saved me a lot of money when I'm online looking for those books and honey doesn't just work on desktops it also works on your iPhone yours activated on Safari on your phone and you can save on the go it's free and it installs in just a few seconds so if you want to do yourself a solid and also support this series get PayPal honey for free at joinhoney.com Padilla that's joinhoney.com Padilla now back to the world of Mary Knight many people would say if that ever happened to me there's no way I would talk publicly about it that's horrifying and that's in many ways people would say that's shameful to have experienced those things sort of Taken part in those things especially because you were forced to do things literally with a gun to your head but you still participated in those things why is it that you talk about it publicly to help other people to help fellow survivors I mean that that is that's my life's work I don't judge other survivors who don't talk about it publicly and I've actually known people who talk about some of it like the incest but they don't talk about others no they'll maybe not talk about the child's trafficking I actually had someone who said I just recently went public about the sex trafficking trafficking but she said I won't tell anyone about the ritualistic abuse the Satanic ritual abuse is the last thing people will talk about and I so appreciate being able to talk about it here because they just they were crazy they just say we as survivors are crazy is that the number one thing you're told you're crazy about yes yes that that's that's the thing I'm most criticized about I mean I've had friends who say don't put that in your films don't go public about that you'll you'll be too criticized um you'll they won't believe any of it when you say that I mean you wrote a book and you included it in the book I think one of the most interesting Parts about this is how happy you look I mean it's called my life now because you you know one of the reasons that you're talking about this is that you want to show that you can experience these very horrible things in your life but you can grow Beyond it you can yes literally have yourself smiling on it yeah talking about the most horrific things that anyone could possibly imagine yes they have three essays in it that tell in detail the bizarre abuse and they are well like one of my friends said it's the most brutal thing I've ever read but some people do want the details so they're in there but you can read about the good parts of my life psychological benefits of delayed recall I my life is better because I didn't always remember the abuse have you received any backlash or hateful comments from you know online telling your story very little my film has been viewed about a million times I've gotten a few negative comments and mostly I get survivors uh telling maybe telling their story but I get a lot of thank yous and um so I'm I I want to say that because I was afraid horrible things would happen to me if I told I mean my parents said horrible things would happen to me if I told and my life has been good it seems so difficult the idea of finding closure After experiencing that or forgiving the people that did these horrific things to you but in your documentary you show you at the gravesite of of your parents and I broke down in the tears have been watching the way that you talked to your parents there you you had a photo of your father when he was a child when he was just five years old and you were looking at him and talking to him as if he was still that age yeah but then the next thing I did I brought that home with me I put it up my house and then I'm like there's no place for this there's no place for him in my life and I went back to the grave again and I left the photo I left the frame photograph there and I just said you have never been a father to me God is the only father I've ever had because fathers are productive some people say forgiveness is necessary and I don't believe that I think that survivors need to find their own way to find closure I'm not angry and I'm not sad thinking about my parents so to me that's acceptance whether it's forgiveness or not someone can tell you know I used to I used to talk about forgiveness as the f word yeah because I I've seen people being like pushing themselves too hard to forgive and it ends up with them um hurting themselves I think nurturing yourself I think being gentle with yourself I think giving yourself time those are things that are healing but if you push someone to forgive sometimes who they don't forgive as themselves and forgiving yourself is I do believe that's essential the other thing I want to talk about that I really that really helped me when I was a child is people being kind people being kind to children I had teachers who were so kind to me I had a science teacher in high school who I was I had changed schools on the school I came from was way behind he said well I can work with you after school and so he did and I'd read the chapters I'd ask him questions and after just about two or four times he said well you're caught up now and you don't need to come in anymore and he laughed and at that moment I didn't remember my abuse but I'm like there's something unusual about this transaction and it was like he could have said or done something to me that was wrong and he didn't when you're abused like I'm was abused having a good person in your life means so much it means so much more than than anyone would think and yeah I think that's the way to save children like me because there weren't any signs of me being abused there really weren't what I believe is you can save a child's life even if you can't rescue that child people want to rescue children I get it and I I do too but there's some children you may not be able to rescue but you can still save their life just by being good you might not even know that they need rescuing no none of my teachers knew it none of my teachers knew I needed rescue so be good to children that's right kind of children be kind to Children any chance you get be kind to children and that could be the thing that makes them feel like life is worth living yes it did for me it absolutely did for me if there is anyone watching who has gone through something similar whether it be the trafficking or the Satanic rituals and maybe they're even having trouble recalling some of these memories or they've had some of these memories and they've had people from all different directions just like you tell them that they're just making up these memories is there anything that you'd want to say to them yeah I I really this is when I would say that Psychotherapy is is usually needed in that situation um and I I did I've gotten an email from someone saying I don't trust psychotherapists and and I offered to talk to her on phone because you know maybe hearing my voice would make a difference but you just you really are probably going to need Psychotherapy as a part of your healing Journey um if you if you're just really not comfortable doing that or like the young woman who contacted him from Pakistan it's just not available then journaling could be helpful there is private Facebook groups contact me and I'll help you get in contact with those private Facebook groups you really need some support you cannot do this on your own what I really say to someone who's a Survivor is I hope you find a really good psychotherapist because that can make a difference I did get ready to remember before I remembered I I did I I remember thinking all my clothes are drab you know and purposely thinking I'm gonna shop for things that show my figure I potted dress and and I'm like I look just like a bimbo I'm buying this you don't end up yes yeah the lady at the dress shop was like I've heard other people say that but they never bought it so anyway so yeah

Channel: AnthonyPadilla

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Length: 28min 32sec (1712 seconds)

Published: Fri Apr 07 2023