Mark Kermode reviews Blackbird - Kermode and Mayo's Take

now here is the moment we've all been looking  forward to particularly me ever since march   particularly because you messaged me to to let me  know that you'd just seen the new michael flatley   movie did i yes i don't even remember what the  message was well you were just so excited and   thrilled to be there blackbird on film de michael  flatley and it is unfilmed uh michael finally   since it is directed by michael flatley written  by michael flatley produced by michael flatley and   indeed starring michael flatley i'm worried  already just in case i mean for anyone who   doesn't know michael flatley is best known he's  lord of the dance uh dance lord productions   yes that's right i mean basically after 20  seconds i've kind of i've seen enough of that   the film was in fact self-funded by michael  flatley although in an interview some time ago   because this was back in 2018 that it was made  he explained that it wasn't the vanity project   he self-funded it because quote it would  have just taken too long to raise the money   and i didn't know what i'd be doing  next year and when the window was there   we had to get it of course that's exactly it  there's no sense of that that's a completely   reasonable explanation of why do you think i'm  a multi-millionaire michael flatt yes i'm sure   he had many offers many people offering we'd  like to fund your film it looks such a great   movie it's just so much easier to just  do it himself okay do you want to hear   you want to see the trailer or hear the trailer  or the trailer yes let's see the train is the   trailer it's going to be great michael  flatley's blackbird the blackbird is dead you're the only one who can stop this   we've got to come back and fight when are we  gonna get past this i'll never get past this   you can't just hide from the world victor blackley i believe  you have something in mind   but ym is none of your concern and  what i do is out of your control bless me father for i have sinned and i'm about to  sin again here's the thing before you i i haven't   seen it but i have just seen the trailer we've  said before you can make anything look good in   a trailer yes apparently that was i mean obviously  obviously you just listened to it uh but there's   there's in that clip michael flatley has to kiss  somebody the most straightforward thing you'd have   to do in a movie i imagine it looks even that  looks he can't kiss he's called it a tribute   to the golden age of cinema i think a session  on the golden toilet of cinema is is closer so   he is victor blackley an xmi6 operative  who we meet burying the love of his life   in the rain wearing a hat tipped at a certain  angle apparently he's retiring which is a shame   because as patrick bergin's character patrick  wears the check bergin's character says he can   do things that no other man can do like he's like  and he's not referring to the dancing fast forward   some years he's now turned into humphrey bogart oh  in the white you know dinner jacket he's hungry by   god and castor blanca except he's running the blue  moon in barbados wearing the tuxedo the top the   the blue moon is like a a haven for a whole bunch  of people you know in the same way that everybody   came to rick's where it turns out that everybody  comes to victors including eric roberts who is   a top crime how do we know he's a top group  because he's eric roberts that's that's the   role that eric roberts does he's there to do some  very shady business with some very shady people   including something involving a formula with a  plot that seriously appears to have fallen off the   back of an old episode of thunderbirds oh great  it's literally it's got this formula you know   in the wrong hands this could be in the right  hand this could cure all diseases but in the   wrong hands it could do absolutely the opposite  worse he's turned up with a glamorous woman from   victor's past yep you know in all the bars in all  the gin joints in all the world she had to walk   into his now he that must then decide whether or  not to just let the guests get on with their evil   crim stuff or whether you know the problems of two  people don't amount to more than a hill of beans   in this crazy world and there are more important  things like saving the lives of millions of people   the film dates back to 2018 and apparently in 2021  there was at least a three year gap between this   i mean for ages and ages people were trying  to see it or asking if it had been finished   it was all kind of shady mystery at the 2021  monaco streaming film festival michael flatley   won the award for best actor now i couldn't  find a short list of other eligible actors   he was better than honestly unless the competition  was a selection of teak furniture and an animated   version of that line character from the ikea  catalogue who shows you not to hit the furniture   with a hammer i really can't imagine how michael  flatley won best i mean to say that michael   flatley can't act is being unbelievably his entire  acting style is which angle shall i wear my hat   at slightly on the left slightly on the right  slightly turned down off my head on my head   it's there are so many expressive ways of  where it's i mean watching him act is like   watching somebody learn to do something in public  but not learning at the same time i mean i've   seen a lot of very bad performances this is in a  stratosphere of its own because brilliantly he's   doing dialogue that he has written for himself  how does it compare with gordon ramsay playing   gordon ramsay in no ordinary trifold it's worse  worse than that that's worse than gordon ramsay   playing gordon ramsay in the ordinary trifle worth  remembering however at the 39th golden globes and   i brought this up before piazza dora won an award  for best female newcomer for butterfly which was a   film which was financed by her multi-millionaire  husband which he gonna you know he gave her as   a present a film to star in she could then  of course one you know the razzies for you   know worst picture worst actress worst new star  so in many ways michael flatley in blackbird is   the piers zadora do not the difference being that  he has financed his own gargantuan you know what's   the phrase you can't polish a turd vanity projects  are you know one thing insanity project is closer   to describing excellent to describing a movie in  which michael flatley who the last time i looked   five foot nine i think takes out with his bare  hands an opponent who is literally like the size   of a wardrobe huge muscle bound but when he comes  at michael flatley michael flatley has written   himself a role in which he can beat the living  daylights out of this person michael flatley has   also written and directed himself a role in which  glamorous women walk into his bedroom drop their   clothes and he says no not now not not tonight's  josephine i have other more important stuff that   i mean obviously that happened because  he can do things that no other man can do   apparently so and they don't mean the dancing so  he's literally written these it's a succession   of eye-wateringly terrible vignettes in  which somebody has given themself the role of   superhero super fighter super intelligent  super swish super suave humphrey bogart   for and you go i'm i'm really sorry if you if  you'd written this for somebody else it would be   sad writing it and directing it for yourself  is positive i mean it's not just bad it's   eye-wateringly off there are scenes in this that  tommy wiseau who made the room would have gone   i'm sorry that's actually not up to stuff we're  gonna we're gonna have to take that out it's   it's not cinema this is what happens when  people with a staggering amount of money decide   that rather than buying themselves a sports  car they will buy themselves a star vehicle   in which they can play the heroic figure they  had always wanted to play now i want to be   absolutely clear about this i haven't i'm sure  michael flatley is a brilliant dancer is that   right i've never seen apparently so yes apparently  so i've seen film of him doing his tappy tap thing   that's essentially what it is okay fine please  stay doing the tappy tap thing this is not cinema   this is something so staggeringly self-regarding  it's the only way this film can have existed is if   the same person wrote directed starred produced in  it because if you were in a room with other people   and you showed them a scene from this movie unless  you were paying their wages there's no way they   wouldn't go i'm sorry you cannot put that in us  you just can't you it's like no don't let that out   into the world keep it on your own mobile phone  for your own personal viewing yes maybe if you   want to sit at home for a bit of self-aggrandizing  half an hour of relaxation yes do not show this to   other people it is genuinely and i mean this  to one of the worst films i have ever seen   and as we all know i've seen oversexed  rug suckers from mars you know i've seen   exorcists to the heretic i've seen sexism with  the potatoes sex size of the potato men it's   it's so mind-bendingly awful but  the most brilliant thing is this   when i was trying to find out that thing about i  mean i couldn't they sent in the publicity release   i think that he won the award for best actor  at the monaco stream i thought this can't be   right i looked it up i couldn't very hard to find  anything about the monaco streaming film festival   it is true that it happened and after it happened  there's a piece online in the sun the sun   which says lord of the dance michael flatley  has been tipped to enter the frame for an oscar   i don't think so after receiving a claim for his  long-anticipated passion project blackbird tipped   by who no one precisely then goes on to say i'm  sorry whoever wrote this article should be ashamed   uh the us tapper's odds of walking  off with a gold statuette next year   have been slashed from a hundred to one to  fifty to one let me just say this for the record   there is no universe there is no realm  of existence other than the monaco 2021   streaming film festival in which michael flatley  could win anything for anything in this movie   least of all his acting it is dismally written  it is pathetically directed it is embarrassingly   acted and it is financed from the purses of  the person who put themselves on screen to   go look at me i'm a super spy you're not  you're the lord of the dance tabby tap is it worth seeing for a laugh no okay excellent  uh very good if you'd like to if you if you   go and sit well just don't go and see it  just don't worry just we just saved you   it's a home movie it should be seen in private  by the person who made it thanks for watching   this video we hope you like watching it as much  as we enjoyed recording it why not check out   these videos while you're here to be up to date  on all things kermit and mayo's take follow us   on our socials they're all here below i  mean why wouldn't you i would in fact yes

Channel: Kermode and Mayo's Take

Views: 277,781

Keywords: Mark Kermode, Simon Mayo, Kermode and Mayo's Take, Film Review, TV Review

Id: 1VaLbPbCWCQ

Length: 11min 54sec (714 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 02 2022