In Meditations, Marcus Aurelius said, “don’t
waste the rest of your time here worrying about other people—unless it affects the
common good. It will keep you from doing anything useful. You’ll be too preoccupied with what so-and-so
is doing, and why, and what they’re saying, and what they’re thinking, and what they’re
up to, and all the other things that throw you off and keep you from focusing on your
own mind.” In my opinion, Marcus touches on the main
issue that holds people back in life: being attached to what other people think of them. So I’m gonna explore this idea through a
dialogue. ---
In Shinjuku, when the clock strikes midnight, a small bar opens up for a few hours. Few people visit it, but the one’s who go
know what they’re looking for. Tonight, Himari takes a seat alone, and after
a few drinks, she has the following conversation with the bartender. B: “If you’re attached to what other people
think of you, you’ll never do anything truly useful.” H: “What do you mean?” B: “If you’re attached to what other people
think of you, you’ll never be yourself. And if life has taught me anything, it’s
that being yourself is the only truly useful thing someone can do.” H: “I don’t get it. How is being myself useful?” B: “True usefulness comes from being what
you are. Think about a tree: its fruits and oxygen
are a byproduct of it being itself. The same holds true for us. We do useful things by being ourselves.” H: “But aren’t I always myself?” B: “You’re getting stuck in language. Let’s look at the tree again. Several things can stop the tree from being
itself such as a lack of sunlight, a lack of water, and lots of competition in the environment. There are obstacles stopping the tree from
being. So being yourself is the same as overcoming
your own obstacles. And one of the greatest obstacles to being
yourself is being attached to what other people think of you.” H: “How does being attached to what other
people think of me stop me from being myself?” B: “When you are being yourself, you have
to be willing to violate people’s expectations of you. You have to be willing to disappoint them. You have to be willing for them to react negatively. But someone who’s attached to what other
people think of them is not willing to take that risk, so they end up being who others
want them to be rather than being themselves.” H: “I guess you’re right. But what can I do? I depend on what people think of me to survive.” B: “So you’re attached to what people
think of you because you’re dependent on their opinion for security. But if your relationship depends on satisfying
someone’s expectations, it’s not a real relationship. You are a prisoner to someone’s idea of
you.” H: “That’s true, but there’s still security
in a prison.” B: “Yes, but you’re in a prison. You’ve traded the whole of your life for
security. What is there left to secure?” H: “Hmm I guess that’s true. I never thought about it. But no matter what I do, or where I go, I’ll
always depend on people’s opinions for security! That’s how the world is, isn’t it.” B: “If you sell water in a desert, does
it matter what people think of you? If you can truly produce something of value,
their opinions do not matter.” H: “I guess you’re right. But how do I make something of value?” B: “That’s like asking how the tree makes
its fruit. I’ll put it like this: a tree is imprisoned
by a lack of water, sunlight, and competition. When the tree breaks out of these prisons,
when it becomes completely free, the fruit is the natural outcome. It’s not about how you can produce something
of value, but how you can become free. When you break free of all your prisons, your
fruit comes of its own accord.” ---
Marcus Aurelius said that caring about what other people think would prevent you from
doing anything useful, and I explored the meaning behind this idea through a dialogue. The most useful thing someone can do is be
themselves. And what we truly are can never be put into
words. Whether we think we are good, bad, an artist,
or a lawyer, what we are can never be boiled down to a single word. When we say, “I am a wife,” or “a mother,”
or “a musician,” or “a lawyer,” we’re taking one tiny sliver of our memory and identifying
ourselves with it. We’re more than our memories. Being yourself is the same as overcoming your
own problems, and truly overcoming your own problems is what allows you to help others
overcome theirs—which is why true value lies in being oneself. But as long as we’re attached to what other
people think of us, we will always be what people want us to be rather than being ourselves. And if we abandon ourselves, we abandon our
ability to be truly useful to the world. And if we abandon our ability to be truly
useful to the world, we abandon what is perhaps the only form of true security. On the other hand, when we be what other people
want us to be, we have the security of a prisoner, which is security in exchange for life—and
that’s really not any security at all. But at the end of the day, this is just my
opinion and understanding of Marcus’ words, not advice. Feel free to use this information however
you like, and if you have a different take on Marcus’ words, I’d love to hear your
perspective in the comments.
