Madame Web - Nostalgia Critic

[Music] executive meeting my place stat okay Daniel why did you call us to your home at 6:00 a.m. in the morning I had a dream about my death as a producer you called it was here for a dream when I was put in charge of Sony's cinematic Spider-Man Division I aimed to make our movies a success and you have your Venom movies are hits your idea to fix the Spider-Man movies by removing Spider-Man is paid off but I had a premonition it's going to fail impossible the internet is thrilled for our next big hit morbius yes all of the comments are saying it's the most movie of the year what does that mean I don't know but it's all over the place so it must be good I am concerned about our next production Madam web it's going to be a disaster I'm good be our executive meddling is all over it as usual exactly people are catching on constant interference lean to awkward editing and acting desperately Place product placements even the star of the movie will throw us under the bus don't worry Daniel we have a fail safe we just redub people's lines when they're not looking at the camera it disguises all our rushed rewrites and nobody ever catches on I'm just afraid we're going to abuse it and it's going to catch up with us look Daniel the Spider-Man villains are some of the most popular and iconic villains ever that's why it makes sense to focus on the ones the general public know very little about when they see what we can do with Madam web imagine how they're going to react when we do something with bigger characters like White Rabbit the big wheel or stegron the dinosaur man I have to break character to see if those are actual villains or not they are okay I'm telling you we need to stop it look if we know it's garbage we'll just lean into it yeah just like our backup plan for if morbius bombs we'll just release it again what do you mean Pepsi we'll release it on Valentine day like what fox did with Deadpool so couples will say hey wouldn't it be ironic if we saw that because nothing says I love you more than making it clear I ironically love things maybe you're right maybe I am OV exaggerating just promise me son isn't going to screw this up trust me Daniel we have the utmost confidence in this we're pushing Craven back a third time Pepsi [Music] hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic guy remember it so you don't have to say what day is it carpet day you're damn right yes everyone has mocked the recent flop Buster Madam web the latest in Sony's attempt to make Spider-Man's most seen and passing characters big hits I guess in order to get another good spiderverse move movie we had to put up with a few of these a year for some reason as I've mentioned before I'm not the biggest fan of these films now granted I am one of the few that gave a pass to morbi is because I don't think the intent was to be great but rather an entertaining throwback to the early 2000s and quite frankly it did entertain me Madam web however I think was originally intended to be taken seriously failed spectacularly at it but it is really fun how bad it is from the minute this awful line was set in the trailer he was in Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders right before she died the internet has been obsessed with hating on this movie that line is pretty much the whole film every sentence is awkwardly constructed every delivery bizarrely off every edit feeling like it was passed from Editor to editor in an attempt to make it flow better resulting in it being choppier and more disjointed where there was an almost Bonker sincerity to morbius this film has had its Humanity chiseled away in an attempt to set up more sequels in cinem universes that let's face it are basically on their way out how bad is it even its main star who acted in three 50 Shades of Gray movies confessed in her press tour this is the film she's embarrassed to be in I probably will never do anything like it again decisions are being made by committees and art does not do well when it's made by committee audiences are extremely smart and Executives have started to believe that they're not audiences will always be able to sniff out Bull good answer on the one hand it is kind of harsh to sabotage a film you're in that has a lot of people still trying to make careers but on the other hand if there's any film to do it with it's Madam web this is the kind of garbage that just makes me laugh so hard and I am so excited to share it with you today so let's dive into the why how and huh of Madam Webb you know I'll just call it if you make a 100y year logo for Studio you going to have the worst year the film opens in the Amazon in 1973 where funny enough does not have that trailer line that was meme so much but fear not there's a ton of other people that don't talk right I agreed to provide security for you because I thought you were close to finding the spider the peptides and the spider's venom they supercharge their cellular structure this is Katana she's got my back her sword traps The Souls of its victims yeah get used to that just about every line is forced Exposition and it is a laugh Riot spider give superhuman string like lasar figher people who run across the Treetops and punish evil men with their black poison touch it's like when you find something in a video game that pauses everything just to give you random backstory except it's incredibly natural dialogue trying our best to keep me from working this is constant played by krie Bashi and Ezekiel played by tahar Raheem looking for an advanced species of spider I found the spider oh isn't she beautiful wow wow you captured an effect from 2002 but mindboggling shots are made oh not from the gun I'm talking about this weird zooming in and zooming out [ __ ] that isn't anywhere else in the rest of the movie She's shot by Ezekiel but thankfully a tribe made up of Harry Potter CGI doubles takes her to a cave where a spider bites her to help her give birth she will come back when she needs answers and when she does I will be here for her or you could just tell whoever you give her to her backstory say who are you going to give her to anyway she's grown up now and in New York yeah we could fill in those gaps ourselves Blockbuster Video movies say when I see that I travel through time I recognize thing that no exist anymore this is fun Ben what are you even doing back there what are you doing clearly not acting the baby grows up into Cassandra Web played by Dakota Johnson and okay I'll try to give the benefit of the doubt that there must be something I've seen her in that she's all right she's apparently in all these movies and while I don't remember her standing out being good in them I guess I don't remember her standing out being bad in them either so maybe there's some hidden town I'm just not seeing but man between this and the 50 Shades franchise she are you pressing the burgers she I like to keep my options open you know I might sleep in I might go to the museum I might walk the dog needs a Spencer bad Adam Scott plays Ben Parker yes that Ben Parker and no it doesn't really tie into anything and he's one of the few actors who isn't a total tring wreck in this but again the script has very little to offer anyone I'm glad I caught you before you headed back out she's going to be okay who the soda candy can't open who do you think and why is she so annoyed by that comment do you drive an ambulance in the hopes the hospital will kill the patients when they arrive Oh Cassandra also has trouble receiving gifts from The Offspring of patients clearly this film's tackling the hardest parts of working in the medical field take it just take it that's I yesh now I'm wishing mom died just so I could avoid that awkward moment even the scripts and the fortune cookies are unfinished apparently I have no future there's no apparently about it can it predict all the flip shots this film is about to bombard us with yeah for some reason this film throws in a ton of spinning cameras in every other scene oh I get it because spiders walk upside down and the villain does it like once maybe it's like shooting all Spider-Man in a pulmonary Vault because the Green Goblin one said the heart all right I'm going to cut your seat belt and when I do you're going to fall and my partner Ben is going to help you out on that side okay my partner Ben is going to catch you as you fall or not you know as we establish we don't like helping people Cassandra falls into the water and has a near-death experience where she sees well to be fair this takes place in 2003 the effects might as well look like they're that old she suddenly relives events are about to happen almost as if going through fit a Deja Vu except she can change the outcome with the exception of constantly reminding you it is in fact 2003 I just want to go home and watch Idol my premonition say I have to before Simon becomes a melting candle of Ron prman from Beauty and the Beast meanwhile Ezekiel meets up with a lady at the Opera and he invites her over to his place he has a dream though of being kissed by the spider women who ultimately end up killing him which he believes is a premonition for how he's going to die bad dream it's not a dream and as you may know noticed he is horribly ADR they're teenagers now but in the future they have powers he sounds less like he's just talking in a room and more like he's performing ASMR without knowing he's supposed to whisper into the microphone I came from nothing less than nothing I will not give up everything I've built I will now make some popping sounds pop pop pop why aren't you relaxed SRI have a fun game figuring out which of these lines you said onet which ones in a recording booth you tried to stop them said you have no idea of the torment torture was it worth the trouble said as long as it has the ability to find those now every time he talks it's like an open Memory of every bad dub I've heard in something else so I'm not going to sit back and let it happen I will find them and kill them first what a story Mark he poisons her just by touching her arm as she has access to technology that can help him find his future Killers it's a good thing I had no no idea today was the day you were going to die those are words that a writer thought people say I mean come on they even use the trademark of amazing dialogue well as you know the protocol is even worth bringing up how lame this line is anymore bad writers are still going to use it instead of me once again saying if the character knows then why are you saying it let's add it to the ever growing list of bad films that coincidentally always used this line as you know as everyone knows as you know as you know as you all as you may know as you may know as you know why is she telling you then Cassandra's forced to go to a baby shower where she gives the one delivery I find believable in this where she's asked to play some baby shower games games okay I legit believe she does not want to be there maybe because the actress made a clear she does not want to be there my mother actually died in child birth she chose to be like way deep in the Amazon for the last month of her pregnancy oh my God can there even be a baby shower without Exposition this film is making a Neen script look like a Stanley kubric epic you guys are ice cold B's been shot no once again she's reliving a moment that just happened and she isn't quite sure why you okay yeah I just got a weird sense of deja vu I have a feeling I've already been in a terrible franchise later at an emergency at a firework Factory she has a vision that one of her co-workers is going to die if he drives the ambulance as you can see she goes from disinterested to cautiously disinterested come on O'Neal come on yeah she sounds really torn up come on come back O'Neal come on oh if only I had my emotion Pepsi product to hold on to you know Pepsi was a person he'd be stalking her there's nowhere to hide that's the idea speaking of which Ezekiel uses his random woman who's suddenly here to use their new technology to find his future Killers she cgis the women from his dream as one can do and dages them to find out how about that they're all coincidentally in New York City I didn't know we'd be targeting teenagers and they will try to destroy me find them I pay you a fortune now here's Mr Black meanwhile Cassandra watches A Christmas Carol in summer for some reason everything else she doesn't as I can excuse but that's a psycho right there and she starts to believe she can surely see an alter the future Christ even Birds rather kill themselves and be a Madam web but she's able to go back and open up the window guess he didn't die after all and if you think I'm condescendingly spilling that out I'm not I'm just repeating what the movie said guess he didn't die after all this movie for babies will return after nap time which if you're watching this you are already in Ezekiel locates the three girls named Julia Ana and Maddie and they try to avoid death while riding the Subway or as New Yorkers call it riding the subway whoa you better do something oh you need to see it again okay now you better do something okay one more go okay now you have to do something would you want this woman to save your life she doesn't like helping people she has no reaction to suffering and she waits until after you're dead to finally do something oh and she can't open soda cans I still don't know what's up with that get off you're going to die if you stay here she finally tells the three girls their lives are in danger as Ezekiel becomes spider spawn to try and kill him oh I get it an unborn Peter Parker gets the idea for his costume in the womb of his mother who never saw this guy no I came and stretch a joke out of that too dumb get in what get in she helps them escape and steals a c despite them not knowing if they can trust her anyone who wants to leave can leave okay sorry no you can't this is still not a kidnapping okay by the way I'm starting a fair hey folks we're starting YouTube memberships if you want access to emojis polls behind the- scene videos and other perks check out and see if you want to become a member and I'll be playing Final Fantasy 7 every Friday on Twitch I've never played a Final Fantasy game before so I'm excited to see what they're like hope to see you there Cassandra takes the girls to the forest as they quickly put together they all know each other in one way or another and are trying to figure out why you don't think this is weird that we know you I didn't ask to be doing this with you and I didn't ask for this to happen to me either every scene sounds like it's going to end with the director shouting at a bullhorn seriously did anyone read their lines Cassandra abandons them you'll find she does that quite a lot in this movie to find some answers be um like like a Girl Scout Girl be that Cassie every line is deliver like a Karen having a mental breakdown but poorly disguising that she's having a mental breakdown can I trust you don't do dumb things wow there's Stockholm syndrome and then there's gothenberg LW Malmo pretty much every major city in Sweden [Music] syndrome yep there's no way to track you now why do they need a supercomputer to find her Ezekiel could literally shout out the window hey Cassandra and she show up with the three girls and a bullet ready for each one research on Amazonian spiders she finds out what we already know that the spiders gave both her and Ezekiel hours and seeing how nothing is stuck to her hands throughout the entire film I think we can put together how this joke is going to go no I just have a spider's ability to see into the future but wait what if I forgot this was 2003 so sad about Martha Stewart thank you I got confused and thought this was medieval times they decideed to go to a four-star Diner in a one-star movie and I know we've been kidnapped but those boys are cute we should go over there and talk to them should we wa we can't H maybe they can dial 911 for us yeah whatever you guys are arguing about I'm sure you're both making really good points I love how they try to give these girls personality but it's basically just one lazy trait per character and the traits only get lazier as it goes down the line Julia has troubl making choices Anya has smart stuff sometimes and Maddie um eats a lot bring us some sandwiches we should get dessert who's got the jerky you ate it all to coming you also ate all mine yeah she really looks like she stuffs her face every second she gets I believe Darian Jane's all Pizza diet more than I do her metabolism possible sighting in church H New Jersey Ezekiel finds their location hey take your shoes off they just vacuum the city and he makes his way there at the same time Cassandra does do a barrel roll but it turns out this is all a vision of what could happen this track is going to be huge are you in theone this is Britney Spears you know why don't you just have someone randomly walk up and smack you in the faceing this 2003 okay okay I'm sorry I'm sorry I have to dance yeah not sure what my thoughts are on being abducted rescued hiding from a killer or dancing at a table my motivations are shaky don't even pretend that you're cooler than Britney I know you know the word wait if the DJ said it's not a hit yet why would you know the words oh that's just 2003 clever for you Ezekiel tries to kill them but Cassandra runs them over oh no her skateboard that was important to leave in and they recreate the exact same driving shots from earlier even sitting in the exact same spots yeah they shot this movie in a day so much for not needing a babysitter do you guys think of anybody but yourselves I'm so sorry you should be so sorry you are the worst victims of abduction I've refused to hand to the police why are they with her they find out another coincidence though none of them have parents my mom's in a psych she didn't really cope well after my dad left my parents aren't around either my dad got deported my mom died when I was five I don't even have a mom neither do we she leaves him again to go back to the the scene of the crime where Ezekiel through the magic of the editor acting drunk gives a more poorly dubbed Exposition in the future I become much more in the future that will destroy me refer to me by the name Betty no one survives once enough poison enters their system this dude's voice sounds like a Captain Planet villain tell me where they are I shall destroy the planet teers avenge luten plunder and not separate recyclables she returns does the service of teaching CPR but it's in this film so nobody's going to see it and proceeds to abandon them once more I'll be back as soon as I can thank you Ben okay I no longer believe this is a kidnapping because a kidnapper will look after them more she makes her way to the Amazon where the tribe I guess updated their wardrobe the thought occurred to us we look silly and tries to explain her past his motives were selfish he used your mom to find us but because he stole the spider he was cursed was he saying that line as he was entering the cave his voice only has an echo he used your mom to find us but because he stole the spider did they really think the audience wouldn't understand the idea of editing so they put in an echo midline like I Dream of Genie just teleported him there while they were talking he used your mom to find us but because he's told the spider he was cursed he helps her understand her powers and clearly not her acting why did you hate me so much why is it so mean and hey we don't want to repeat the same tired Spider-Man phrase audiences are sick of we respect you too much for that so let's give him something really new really challenging a brand new point of view that'll turn everything you know about Spider-Man's Universe on its head when you take on the responsibility great power will come you know I just get an image of all the writers on this movie I mean just dozens of them they're all wearing lab coats and they're looking at this chalkboard of that famous phrase and they're just thinking for hours for days Days on end they're not even riding the rest of the movie and that clearly shows they're just looking at this one phrase and they're thinking to themselves man how do we create something as Grand and important and simple as that but we like just completely offer something brand new just a completely new spin that'll just blow everybody's minds and they're all thinking for days and days weeks and weeks years they're trying to figure this out and then just one crazy writer in the bag we all call me a Crazy Larry that's his name that it just everybody nobody pays attention to him he's just nuts he just suddenly gets an idea tells everybody to shut up everybody just shut up wait a minute look do you see what I see what if we just Ezekiel finds the girls again every day that goes by my appointment with death gets closer after that I live like a young prince in all the capitals of Europe oh Europe yes Europe just as Ben's sister is giving birth so they all had to make their way to the hospital Cassandra steals an ambulance where the hell is he going in an ambulance and an okay kind of a cool moment she saves him again Jesus both a taxi and an ambulance can't take this guy up but somehow three girls dress like toothpaste mascots Ken it's full of explosives and it's structurally unsound they make their way back to the firework Factory because she thinks a place filled with high explosives is the perfect spot to keep them safe put them in as many crates as you can the fireworks go off serving as a distraction against Ezekiel but Ezekiel manages to Corner them you still can beat me with your lion you're just like your mother work shed and yeah we know that lion was so mind-blowing we're going to let you hear it again and when you take on the responsibility great hour will come I'm a bigger fan fan of with bad writing no viewers will watch and of course what ends up saving the day Pepsi [Music] obviously honestly at this point un surprise Cassandra didn't turn to this character between 2003 and 2004 I just assumed all the world was owned by Pepsi and Allstar not breathing's not beating hopefully there was a scene shot earlier that could benefit us here wait that's it my broken skateboard let me go get it Cassandra is brought back but she's blind and paralyzed and it literally doesn't affect her at all are you all immediate family yes they're all mine I don't know maybe it does affect her but with her acting this is how she shows being traumatized and naturally the baby of Ben's sister is born a he's perfect let's call him Flash Thompson perect what was with the focus there I didn't follow that oh cuz he's going to be Spider-Man and that kind of looks like a web okay look this director's done good stuff and I can blame Studio interference for most of this but some of this is just bad directing we got take out we didn't know chicken is perfect time passes and Cassandra adopts the three girls getting better at predicting the future including when they steal footage from other Spider-Man movies can you see us in the future yes I predict about a commercials worth of false advertising that people will think is most of the movie oh and what's the secret behind all the coincidences they were building up the absent parents them all seeing each other beforehand the forces bringing them together what's it all amounting to not a damn thing it's almost like the script was so bad it became sentient and tried to warn us nothing written in me makes sense and you know the best thing about the future it hasn't happened yet nor will it I don't know much about the character Madam web and by seeing this movie I feel like I know less this is a pure train wreck but I will admit it is a hilarious train wreck with the exception of Scott and yeah I guess the actress who play Maddy was okay all the acting is humorously stilted the editing intriguingly sloppy and the writing spectacularly insulting it feels like a film covered in so many Studio posit notes you can't make out the ripped anymore but it's done to such an extreme I'm sorry I find it really entertaining I get some people would maybe find it more dull than amusing but to me this truly is a so bad it's good film there's something about a movie brutally beaten down by statistics and analytics that's supposed to come across as an emotional roller coaster that just cracks me the hell up it's not everyone's type of bad but it's my type of bad and it brings me such Joy I don't wish ill will on any of these actors or the director I'm sure they're going to turn out good stuff in the future but we'll always remember a time when they had to jump over this laugh out loud hurdle that was Madam web I'm a Nostalgia Critic and good luck Craven when you take on the responsibility great power will come we're continuing cameos for charity and this month we're doing kids Cancer Foundation this is a 501 nonprofit charity founded in 2001 whose mission is to provide hope and support to local Children and Families battling Childhood Cancer they accomplish this by providing compassionate easily accessible supportive care services these are really great people who do really great things so if you want a cameo for me saying happy birthday or good luck or whatever click on the link below and be giving to a good cause if you're like screw you I don't want a cameo from you well consider giving to this organization anyway whatever you decide give them a look and do your best to show your support [Music]

Channel: Channel Awesome

Views: 218,325

Keywords: channel awesome, nostalgia critic, doug walker, madame web, madame web nostalgia critic, madame web is, madame web is bad, marvel, marvel comics, spider man, spider-man, nostalgia critic madame web, movie, film, review, reaction, madame web review, madame web reaction, movie reviews, movie reactions, dakota johnson, sydney sweeney, worst comic book movies, worst comic movie, madame web movie, madame web movie review

Id: HfZgoa4UmW4

Length: 26min 50sec (1610 seconds)

Published: Wed May 29 2024