Love & Respect: The Family Crazy Cycle

if you've ever seen an episode of the reality TV show super nanny you know that family life can get really out of control dr. Emerson egg rich is passionate about bringing biblical truth to married and family life having pastored a thriving Church in Michigan earning a PhD in child and family ecology dr. a rich founded love and respect ministries in 1999 and here's the latest book love and respect in the family the love children need the respect parents desire always two sides of a coin dr. Edgar great to see and family this book includes your family contributions from all three of your children one of whom joins us and I think I'm going to let you make the interest this is my daughter joy and her term of endearment that I use what there's pinkie because when she was born we had two boys and of course then the church that I pastored everybody bought pink clothes pink bonnets pink pink so she became my pinkie you didn't know they didn't know nobody a pink Lea no but what a blessing and joy it is a treat to have you i one of our staff has been following you for a year on YouTube you have your own ministry to Millennials particularly well 18 to 35 year old yeah thank you for having me it's a wonderful thing you're doing we're gonna be talking more about that but today you're the child I'm the time you pinky you're here to make sure everything we're gonna be hearing about family actually one of the children yours one of your sons said this was your most intimidating project because you didn't feel like the perfect parent mm-hmm and no parent does feel like we're preparing there were only two that were Adam and Eve and Cain and Abel didn't turn out so well but yeah there is this tension I think all of us as parents feel and as I was getting back into this the things that I remembered that I'd done poorly they didn't remember oh and then it surfaced things that I don't remember doing poorly ah that became a really interesting so there was but the beautiful things all three kids endorsed the book they're in their 30s but I also wanted to wait to write the book and tell my children were old enough to speak back into it the good the bad and the ugly and because they are the 18 to 35 group they said dad you got to be transparent we wanted to be as real as we could be without being embarrassing but the desire was to communicate truthfully but the fact that the kids are the one speaking back into it and the ones that are endorsing it I hope will give hope to many who read the book but I waited on this book how many people think we'll love and respect that's your brand and so this is a spin-off because you have a publishing responsibility actually no I could have written this first because I saw something in Scripture there as well children are commanded to honor parents Moses commanded that in Exodus Jesus said the same thing honor father mother the Apostle Paul said in Ephesians 6 honor father mother there's no command of a child to love their parents parents on the other hand in Titus 2 a mother is to love her children it's phileo not a gappi but they're not commanded to honor their kids either so I began to realize though here's the deal children need love and that's why God put agape love within a parent's heart but what parents feel that love they feel the children always feel what the parent feels and we can unpack that a little bit but what happens when a child feels on love that child ends up react in a way that feels disrespectful in dishonouring to the parent that's why we don't say to the child you're being unloving right now toward me you're being disrespectful right now but I remember as a little kid throwing myself down on the floor and a temper tantrum saying you don't love me I was pouting so children express they don't feel love parents express the fact that you're not being respectful and it gives birth to this crazy cycle without love a child reacts without respect without respect a parent reacts without love and this thing starts spinning and the key is to decode what's going on here and we're also campaigning that it's not wrong for a parent to feel disrespected and Dishonored that's not rooted in your narcissism or ego or somehow you've got issues God designed you as a parent to need respect question on the table is how do we deal with those many moments when our children are disrespectful Wow and I mean there it is part one the family crazy cycle and for those of you who have been with us from the beginning of the week you you're saying I've heard this it's the same principle exactly that is the illumination I had a thought Wow God did intend for this to be complex it's a very simple concept and you see it biblically in all the social research everyone would say children need love and the number one problem the school teachers have for instance with children is disrespect parents what's their number one claim I'm not being respected so experience Li and expositionally this is the central issue so if we get these concepts of love and respect and marriage and family there's going to be success and we can relax just go the way God has told us to go he didn't make this complex stand the course and overall and as a parent you're going to create the most loving environment that's going to best motivate your children to choose your faith and values joy what was your weigh in on this theme well you know each section that he wrote he would send all three of his kids and so then we had to review it and sign off on it or give our feedback and he asked us tons of questions and it was really actually I think quite healing for our family in a sense of having these conversations because we all do live in different places and we had a number of times where we just talked and we were honest about what we remember and like he said you know the things that they felt so bad about over all these years we didn't remember and the things that we really struggled with they didn't know about and it was creating that space to have that conversation so I think parents who are maybe older now reading this can it can have some insight and reflection and actually open up the dialogue with their kids that can bring great healing if there's maybe a severed relationship and then I'm so excited about it for my friends who are young parents and I'm telling them they have to read it because I think I think a lot of people in the same way my generation is scared about getting married I think there's fear that they're going to maybe screw up their kids the way they feel like maybe their parents screwed them up and I think the most powerful you know message kind of overall theme even though he has these specific acronyms to help people of practical application because everyone loves practical application and it's based off of research and scripture but is this kind of illumination they had where my mom really wanted to have this perfect family and I think they even talked about in the beginning of the book where my oldest brother Jonathan one time was like mom you wanted the perfect family and you're never going to get it and she kind of stopped in her tracks because she came out of brokenness growing up and so she really did she wanted everything to be perfect and so the kind of overarching message is there are good parents with good kids but there's also good parents with bad kids and there's bad parents that end up having bad kids but there's bad parents that have kids that are good and so there's really not totally a formula but for parents they can find freedom and going I'm going to do what I feel like if they have a relationship with the Lord what would I feel like the Lord is instructing me to do as a parent but my children are not a reflection of me I've just got to do the best that I can to be obedient Christ well part two is the family energizing cycle and you know I think of I think of teachers who don't have that position of authority the respect that goes with it and so you're out of control parents who maybe from the beginning haven't established that order how do you get on to the energizing cycle well the beautiful thing is God has given us a game plan I have the privilege of speaking to five NFL head football coaches and their spouses for three hours and then ended up going to the New York Giants Tom Coughlin invited me to come there and he is a strategist he has a game plan with Eli Manning and he knows that Eli is going to get knocked on his rear end they're going to have loss of yardage they're going to have loss of downs they're going to lose games but you stay on this game plan and God has given us a game plan that we unfold on how to get on this energizing cycle how do I love my child the way that God wants me to look how do I parent the way that God wants me to parent it's important that we ask that question because we can parent God's Way even if our children don't respond and that's almost like a contradiction I wrote an article was picked up by Fox News why biblical parenting has nothing to do with your children hmm that's the kind of what what are you saying look we all know the story of the prodigal and the the prodigal had a father who is full of compassion that we know about we don't pay attention there was also a second son there the oldest okay the prodigal indulges his sensual appetite he's unthinking as a fool he goes off and does his his thing he comes with senses comes back now the older one is there and the father wants to throw this party and the older son wants nothing to do with it and there's no indication that he ever had anything to do with it he resented he was self-righteous judgmental angry the firstborn or the second born son who was the prodigal was self-indulgent sensual and foolish okay now my question is would we have that father come and lecture us on how to parent hmm and yet Jesus Christ no exactly right we wouldn't but Christ holds that father up as a replica of Abba Father this is what our Heavenly Father's I asked this question is God a a bad father because we disobey Him the answer is no so here's what we're trying to do God has a game plan for us and we're to stay on this game plan and we're to do what God tells us to do there are many times that the children say you're the you're the most unloving parent on the planet I said yes finally I'm number one at something I love superlatives and I love you so much joy that I would I would I would go in after you if you were in a burning car in fact I brought the story pie used to say I love you so much I'd come in after you've been burning car and I said Jonathan how do you feel about I felt secure David how did you feel I felt very loved so - joy how did you feel about that where there are a lot of burning cars in the neighborhood but I said you got to go to your room go to your room I love you enough I'd die for you if I don't kill you first but get up to your room but there's a game plan that we stay in this game plan and they're going to be many times when we feel like we have a loss of yardage we're losing one night I remember Friday night the kids were in their teens in early 20s Sarah and I had a conflict with the family and we're supposed setting there and she said you got your PhD in family what should we do I said I don't know so all parents have these moments of defeat and we must not let defeat the fetus we've got to have a winning attitude even though we're losing then that's important so the key to that winning attitude is staying on the game plan all the great teams all the great teams all the football teams although everything that even though they're losing the great teams even when they're losing have a winning attitude now doctor we have fatherless generation yes we have a lot of single parents and III see in the whole counseling arena a growing issue with delayed adolescence in young man and particularly who didn't have a solid parenting experience a solid home life and the issues are emerging in their adulthood their parenting we know how important modelling is how are you addressing this this just huge dysfunction culturally well Sarah my wife was raised in a single-parent family I was raised single parent for many years my mom and dad divorced and they remarried but then they separate for many years so we believe that one of the reasons we can discover our Heavenly Father some people think I can't know God because my own father wasn't that good well how can you pass judgment on your dad is bad if you don't know what good is and what God is calling us they didn't do is take that image of good and projected on to our Heavenly Father which is what I did I began to realized Jesus said Abba Father is there and he has told us He loves us he's there so even if you don't have a father and even though there is a still a to adolescence this can actually become fundamental to your wisdom to having great insight in the academic arena we talk about social learning theory and then compensatory theory social learning theory is you're going to end up imitating your parents so if they were bad you're going to be back because you choose to imitate them but there's this whole other teaching called the compensatory you compensate in my case I compensate it you come to a point where you make a decision and you can become the wiser for it so anybody out there that's living in fear oh I must be messed up I'm damaged goods no no no no this can actually be the greatest gift in a sense where there's sin grace abounds the Bible says that God will actually use this suffering use this pain to make you into a very wise person we gain knowledge in the classroom you gain wisdom through suffering and the key to wisdom is the is the suffering we've gone through so what a rich opportunity and I want to say to every person I would never believe that you're damaged goods this is actually a great moment well we actually have two poster people for that statement sitting right here we don't know joy story yet but we'll get to that and more than compensation we have generativity Wow wisdom for all of us love and respect and love and respect in the family both at our East store and the week is not done I'm so thankful for that

Channel: 100huntley

Views: 26,120

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Keywords: interview, huntleystreet, SEP-03-14, HS9710, 100Huntley, christian, love and respect, emerson eggerichs, family, relationships, conflict, resolution

Id: pL5RhpCDY3M

Length: 13min 38sec (818 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 03 2014