Loneliness.

I used to drink 7 days a week I would just go anywhere and connect with somebody but there had to be alcohol involved in 2018 after living abroad for about a year and a half I moved back home and up until this point I had pretty much lived my entire life with people that I knew so I knew my family I knew the friends that I grew up with I went everywhere with my friends even when I went across the world to Canada from Ireland I went with my friends and so I never knew what life was like without people around me that I already knew I never knew who I was in the absence of everybody that I had ever known now on the last trip before I returned home I had taken four months to go somewhere completely by myself and it was the the first time in my entire life in my entire 23 years that I was in a place that I did not know nobody in that place knew me and I did not know anybody in that place here's where I started to develop new interests I started to realize who I was who I actually was not who I was based on who I'd always been I was finding a new version of myself and I was presenting that new version of myself to the people around me and the people that surrounded me in this new situation were quite different from everybody that I known up until this point they held different worldviews they spent their days differently they found value in different activities that I hadn't previously found value in but I was starting to change and so the people that's suring me started to change eventually I had to leave that place and I returned home and I had no friends the friends that I had had had before I had either fallen out with them or we simply had different interests it was the first time that I ever really felt lonely and lost and misunderstood I know that a lot of people feel lonely a lot of people believe that they are not likable or that there's no possibility for them to have friends I've made a couple of videos about friendship and people liking you and whatnot and it hurts me to see a lot of the comments when people Express that they're just unlikable that people just don't like them that they're too much I don't believe that that's true when I returned home after my journey I had different desires I had different values I had different views and it makes complete sense that the people that have been previously in my life didn't quite understand that because they didn't share those views we need to look at our friends or the company that we keep as we would look at our pants or a jacket sometimes your stuff stops fitting you and you might need to size up or you might need to size down I want to be clear that there's no better size there's no better group of friends there's simply the size pants or the group of friends that resonates with you if you enjoy drinking alcohol you'll probably get along well with people that go to bars so if you go to a bar you might find some people there that you get along well with if that's not your preference if you like hiking in the mountains for example you'll probably find more friends hiking in the mountain more people that understand you and have shared interests and values maybe there's people people that are into both of those things and you go join a hiking with beer Facebook page because I'm sure there is one if you're in a place and you believe that there's nobody there that gets you that you can't make friends you probably outgrown that place or you're simply not taking the action required to find the connections that you desire when I finally decided that I was going to stop traveling and running away from my problems I decided I would settle down in Ireland for a little bit little bit being you know years I had a few people that I would be acquainted with or perhaps some old school friends that I kept mildly in touch with but in terms of being my full true self and connecting on my values and really being fully me I didn't really have that opportunity for quite a while and I knew that I was going to need to take some time to find my place to find a new groove and to find the people that were going to see me growing pains are a real thing and when it comes to cultivating connection and friendship that will come after a period of growth and they're not necessarily effortless in the way that they manifest you may have to get up and see what's going on my closest friends today are relatively new in my life they only entered my life in the last couple of years and the reason that they were able to enter my life was because I met them halfway I suppose you could say I was recommended an event one day on Instagram it was shared on somebody's story and it was nearby and it was a drum circle and I thought well I kind of like that sort of stuff and there's probably going to be some people at that that will resonate with me and so I took my guitar and I went down to the beach and I didn't even find them the first time like they they had advertised it and they posted it was on the north beach but there's two beaches and it was actually on the South Beach so I almost went home after not finding anybody on the north beach but then I thought I'll check the South one just in case and there I found a group of people and they were excited to see a man with a guitar and we sat and we chilled and I played some song and we all shared some food and conversation and then that was the seed planted for new friendship because a few weeks later I bumped into the same people again and this time I believe we exchanged phone numbers and then we started meeting intentionally and through that friend I met their friends and everybody invites their friends to the things that we do together now so our personal interest would be wellness and activity so we would run we would hike we would go to the sauna we would just have a nice conversation or play a board game and the conversations that I have with these people are nourishing to me I can be honest I can be vulnerable I can bring my challenges to the table and I can be met where I'm at and they can hold that space and I do the same if that's ever needed of me and this version of me that requires and desires those attributes out of a friendship didn't exist a few years ago and so it makes sense that if that version of me is new as come as a result of growth that I would need other people that have gone through a similar growth or at least have those interests and it's a matter of realizing that it's normal for your Gene size to change it's normal for you to have a certain need for certain kinds of people in certain seasons and you might move between friend groups at various times of your life the most important thing to recognize if you're feeling lonely is that there is some someone for you and you are someone's someone platonically or romantically when people tell me that they can't make any friends because they're just not likable to me all they're saying is I haven't realize the value that I have to give I haven't realized the value that I have to bring to a friendship and so that person counts themselves out before they even try there is somebody who would would love to be your friend as cheesy as that sounds it's true and there are plenty of places that you can go and be yourself and you can be welcom there and I'm not saying that you just snap your fingers and it happens it take some trial and error if you're in an area like a rural town for example you may need to move out of that place you might have outgrown that rural town and you might say but I love the rural Countryside and I hear you so then it sounds like we haven't integrated our full potential because we're we're living in the rural life but we're feeling lonely so what if we found that connection and met that need elsewhere and then integrated the two so that might mean going into town you know once twice a week to meet people to go to specific events that you've researched and there's plent plenty of resources online now Meetup is a great one meetup.com there's all sorts of events in most areas in the world and all it takes is you going by yourself and yeah it'll be awkward you might feel like you're a creep or a loner and that's fine but on the other side of that you will find connection but it does take time and it takes the recognition of the gifts that you have I've been really really working with this lately in my life recognizing that I'm afraid to ask for what I want like what I really want and instead of asking for what I really want or expressing that I'll I'll water it down to the point where there's no Clarity and the person doesn't understand what I want from them or the person doesn't understand what I can give to them so we need to be clear like if you want to date someone make it clear that that's your intention if you want someone to be your friend make it clear that you want to hang out more often that you want someone to play football with or go on runs with or talk about your creative writing practices and most importantly you need to acknowledge yourself that you can have friends and you can have connection loneliness is simply a perception that there is no connection and in an Ideal World we'd all be happy alone all of the time but we're social creatures and we have to honor that by sharing our presence with other people it's not just for you other people need you as well it's a synergetic relationship that we have together here I remember when I moved back to my home country I said there's nobody here that would understand me nobody here gets me is interested in the things that I'm interested in but I realized after a few years that that was just my limiting belief I was actually just afraid to put myself out there to meet new people to go places by myself to embrace the discomfort that came with new social activities in different contexts to what I was used to I used to drink seven days a week I would just go anywhere and connect with somebody but there had to be alcohol involved and when I started switching lanes I didn't know how to fill the silence I didn't know how to be in silence I didn't know how to talk about something other than craft beer notes or flavors I didn't know what to do with my hands I didn't know how to dance without loosening it up first and that makes sense I didn't know how to do it cuz I didn't know how to do it I'd never done it before you can't just expect everybody to know what you're into by looking at you at a glance like you have to break the ice you have to meet a few times you have to go to the places and catch people at the right time which can take a few times the remedy to your loneliness is connection and you are worthy of connection people benefit from your connection to them I know that it's scary but you can do it scared and it will take time but in a while you look back and you'll see the people surrounding you the things that you get to do that really fire you up and invigorate you and it'll make a lot more sense as to why you have to go through what you had to go through if you're struggling with your confidence and you're looking to feel more empowered in the being that you are there's a free meditation it's in the description of this video video you know affirming my own value to myself was really pivotal when it came to starting a business or sharing my gifts on the Internet or just you know talking to people in public like if I didn't realize that I had value to give to people in all of those interactions then I wouldn't do them because why do we why do we do anything we do it because we we see some sort of benefit in it for also for someone else thank you for being here wishing you well love love you lots take care

Channel: thedavidboland

Views: 4,466

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Id: gZdsbTx7z98

Length: 14min 30sec (870 seconds)

Published: Sun Dec 17 2023