You know when the Mad Cow Disease came out? Two cows were talking over the fence, like two old ladies. And the one cow said to the other one... 'Ohh, did you hear about this Mad Cow Disease?' 'They're killing some cows because they've got the disease.' 'I hope we don't get it.' And the other one said, 'Oh don't worry' 'I'm so glad I'm not a cow, I'm a rabbit.' Very silly. I'm the biggest fan of my own bread. I just love it. It's just real and I know what's in it. It's so alive. So when I work with the dough, it reminds me of when I was a kid. So I'll come and say 'shhhhh'... Are you still sleeping? Cover you up. Now you better be quiet, because you must rest so that you can develop well. And just now I'm going to take you to the big oven. And you're going to become real, big adult breads. I love dancing, ahhh. As some people will write a poem or a story, for me it helps me to dance... to release whatever emotion. Sometimes I like to be dramatic. Even with the breads you know... I'll tango with the wooden paddle and put the breads in. I don't really know how to tango, but I just do my own thing. Luckily the bread doesn't mind if I don't know the tango because it doesn't know it better than me. When I was a kid, I did ballet. And I remember going on stage I would close up a bit. And my teacher always struggled to tell me 'Don't close up, don't think of the people, just be yourself.' And when I became older and I would dance by myself, and I would think why have I always been so self conscious? Why did I close up? Why didn't I just dance and just give in the dance what I have, you know? I think it's all in our mind. And if I allow my mind to think too much, to analyse too much, to become too rational, then fear creeps in. I forget that often... about the life that is in me that is more important than all my understandings of things. And I think the life inside of us is just simple. And we don't need to explain it and to prove it. I think we can just live it. You know what's the most painful thing for me? And I only realised it a few years ago... Was when I denied myself to please other people. I tried to be this other person that I thought I had to be. Like for instance being married, I had to serve my husband and be submissive. Sacrifice my own wishes, my own desires, my own joys, and my own gut feel, my own beliefs. I thought that this was what I was supposed to do... because I didn't know myself. My vision of who I was was so limited. And also my children, even they were affected. The times where I was not myself I also took the joy from them. Because I hurt them in denying my own motherhood, not trusting myself and my own motherhood. And I would try and be a mother that I felt that somebody else wanted me to be. And then I wouldn't be the right mother. You never lose everything of yourself. You lose big parts or smaller parts of yourself. And I lost a very big part of myself. So that made me very sad and I find it very hard to forgive myself. The reason I stayed married to my children's father is because I thought it was wrong to get divorced. I struggled so much with what is right and what is wrong. And I realised that's not the question we must ask, because everybodys right and wrong is different. But what is love? I think what is love, is to live the life that is in you. If I do not love the life that is in me, how can I love anybody else? And if I have the life in me and I can share it, that must be love, I think. I can't tell you how grateful I am for my five children. The things they've forgiven me. And I think them forgiving me, helped me to forgive myself. I sometimes take my inner child also and say come, just come and sit on my lap. And I allow myself to just break down a bit sometimes. And then to say, you're accepted, just totally accepted. All the judgement you have towards yourself, the condemnation and the expectations, to just put that aside. To open a suitcase and put it in there... close it and decide I'm not taking out those expectations and all the judgement. I'm just going to sit here and love myself. And when I realised I'm my very own person, I must allow that person to just live and taste life in everything. Where I have denied myself I can sort of take back that time. I think we can catch up on life. It's like, I lost this... but I can squeeze all of that lost life and I can regain it here and pack it full. I might have many dreams and I'll see where life leads me... I want to grow, I want to keep growing in myself. But while I'm here, I really want to live life, and live it fully.
