People don't tell me I'm a 'cute little old lady'. If they did... I'm speechless. I don't know what I'd do if they did. I struggle with being asked about my age. I've discovered an offensive defensive reply... passive resistant. When they say, 'Do you mind if I ask you how old you are?', that's usually how it comes out, I say, 'No, not at all.' 'I am four years away from ninety.' And I enjoy saying that. To be four years away from ninety sounds to me like something of an achievement. Am I wrong? I never had any preconceived ideas of what somebody should be like at any given age. And it shocked me whenever I came up against somebody who did have that preconceived idea. When you're a teenager, they expect you to be moody. When you're in your 20's, you're expected to start being adult and work for your living. In your 60's, you're going to retire. And to me, all that is total nonsense. Age has meant absolutely nothing to me. I have never felt I was of any specific age. I feel like me. I feel the same as I ever did, inside. I think what betrays one a little bit is the body. My father used to say, 'What you can't change you must endure.' I think life is a long process of dealing with everything... one's self, other people, one's circumstances, one's health, one's mental agility or lack of agility. My memory has always been bad. I've never been able to remember anyone's name. Introducing somebody to somebody else has always been agony for me. So now I just say, 'You'll have to forgive me, sorry.' And I know they will because they see me as an old lady. So finally I've got the excuse for being poorly mannered and poorly memoried. I do love challenging my brain. And I have taken up chess recently. I'm absolutely addicted. I can wake up at one in the morning and oohhh, perhaps I should play just one game, just one game. My love affair with chess is to do with its complexity. It's just astonishing, the potential for making the wrong move. It's absolutely terrifying. And as you know, I'm someone who is something of an expert at making wrong moves in life. So I live on the edge of terror, constantly. And you think, well, how can I go so wrong? But you can, and you do, in life as well as on the board. So there you go. That's why I love chess... because it's mirroring life totally. Does one have regrets for the things one's done badly or hasn't done at all, as one gets older. And I think the answer is yes, of course. You wouldn't be human if you didn't. But I'm here to tell you that although you never lose that, the intensity of the pain softens and it becomes part of your landscape. It's the landscape of your life. And it becomes more level. It's not up at one moment and down at the next. It's life, it's the process. Actually I've been taken by surprise at how full of purpose my life has become. It's the word 'retire' which is the deadly word I think. Anybody who is looking forward to their retirement has got the wrong end of the stick in my opinion. In point of fact, it should be the beginning of life. It should be the start, not the end. This is the moment to move forward and be even more proactive in whatever area you want to be. Now you are free. Did you never want to write a book? Did you never want to paint what you see out there? Did you never want to make something beautiful that isn't beautiful at the moment? Do it. Now you do it. So you may not become famous. So you may not be much good at it. But then it allows you to move onto something else which maybe you will be really good at. But until you open that part of you that has been shut down for so long because of the necessities of life, it's not going to happen. And it will become a self enlarging process. You will grow with it. Do I have any envy of youth? I suppose I have to be truthful, I have to be honest. I have an envy of smooth skin, and voluptuous hair... on women... and clear eyes. And also I have an envy for the potential that youth has for love and for living and for being creative. The potential of life is so extreme and so powerful. And so few people are conscious of it... especially youth. I read somewhere that anyone who doesn't feel that death is standing behind their left shoulder is a fool. Because this is a reality. And it is a reality that we cannot escape. What we can do is to go on living as fully as possible, while we have the ability and the gifts. Why can I not go on until I drop? I don't want to fade away. I'm not going to fade away, God willing. Life is for living. And that's always been my philosophy... to live life as fully as I am able to. If you don't note with satisfaction the good things in life, then yes, you will become a grumpy old man. You have to be very conscious, I think, of the gifts around you. You have to say, 'Oh look at that leaf.' It's shining. It's been raining and now the sun is on it. And it's absolutely shiny, luminous. You do have to do this, otherwise life just passes you by. I'm just grateful to be sitting here. And I'm grateful for your smiling face. And I'm grateful for the herb tea that's beside me. And the chess board and my paintings. And the sun that keeps coming out and going in again. And I'm grateful that I wake up in the mornings and almost every morning I'm filled with joy at waking up. How can one not be grateful?
