LEADERSHIP LEAN IN | HOW TO WIN AT MARRIAGE | CHAD VEACH | CHELSEA SMITH

[Music] this is so fun oh my gosh i'm so excited to be having a conversation with you we go back so far i mean i wish we could be like judah and julia in this moment right you know like the other night with judith's like you know i've known julia her whole life i have also known julia her whole life but i i think i've known you since like mid-20s you know so it's really good it's it's honestly this gets me so excited especially for what we're talking about right now you are first of all one of our closest friends thank you for being who you are we adore you and judah we're neighbors we love it we love it and i'm so excited to talk to you about what i think is like i i want to hear about the genesis of this whole thing because i remember seeing like oh chelsea's posted about marriage that's yeah she's and then like it's like it's this thing that became something that we all look forward to your marriage monday posts how do what's the genesis of this whole process for you well thanks for saying you look forward to it i mean it does help that it's on a monday when let's be honest there isn't a whole lot to look forward to right in life on monday but i just think marriage for me is the hardest most fulfilling thing i've ever done in my life my marriage brings me so much joy jude and i i've been married for 22 years it takes me to the highest heights in my life and there are moments where it brings me to my absolute lowest lows in this life so i say marriage is the hardest most fulfilling thing i've ever done and but i've always loved marriage i've always been passionate about it i think my parents had a great marriage and they still they've been married for over 50 years and they still like each other enjoy each other which i didn't realize how much of a gift that was to be able to just see a healthy marriage growing up and so i'd always loved marriage and then play five or six years ago now we had some really close friends of ours get divorced and just watching the pain that they went through it was really the first divorce i've experienced that close hand to be honest which i realized isn't normal in the world that we live in and seeing the okay the breakup of friends the effect that it had on our on our children and i just realized i i hate divorce not that i hate people who are divorced there's amazing people out there but the pain that that does to people and to our world right now i just think it's one of the most painful horrific things and so i just thought this is so embarrassing but i got mad at the devil you know hey just say it tell the devil no not today i said devil no not today not on my watch what can i do because i'm so mad at this divorce and so i started marriage monday and i just was gonna go for a year and just i'll just give right one encouraging thought every monday just to kind of invest into marriages and it ended up being that's the only thing i do on social media so um wow this is amaz i did not know that you originally started just like we're gonna do this for a year yep and then it kept going and it's because it's my one contribution to the world of social media so i just i can't totally leave the world empty out there like nobody cares you know but i love it i love it so much and so here you are you start this one year journey when was the deciding factor where you go i think i'm just gonna keep on talking about this what was it for you was it the response yeah the response and i think somewhere in that time i realized because i got to see my parents have a healthy marriage i learned a language of marriage that i didn't go to school for i went to school for something else i learned this incredible language of marriage that's not scientific i'm not a marriage counselor but very practical and very daily practical steps and decisions to just help people have a better marriage because don't you feel like if our marriages are strong our families will be strong our jobs will be strong we will make society such a better place as a result of how our marriages are don't you think such a great point yeah that is a powerful thought and i think you know julie and i just like yourself were blessed with examples you know we had our parents julia's parents but you know our parents went on their 40-year wedding anniversary to italy together no way like that's just all of your parents together yeah you know our parents got married on the same day same year same hour and their two firstborns marry each other how did i not know that it's crazy and but we grew up with parents that you know they love each other they serve each other and i always think we have an advantage maybe i just didn't even realize it we have such an advantage of what a healthy marriage looks like which is not perfect no it is not perfect but it but but you know what any great relationship takes hard work hard work whether it's in the workplace or in the house it's just it just takes an investment and i think i've i've always had the thought healthy relationships are contrived of healthy individuals so maybe forever i focused on my health but i think out of the pandemic i mean julie and i are seeing two marriage counselors right now i mean that's where we're at so we're working because i think for a long time maybe judah has a great thought on aspirational leadership yeah you know when you're aspiring you focus on a lot of your personal growth yeah but i think when once you get married the smartest wisest decision you can make is investing into your marriage how have you found that investment to impact your marriage here you are helping so many people and being a model for so many people which is inspiring how has it impacted your guys's marriage well we have we also have incredible marriage coaches who we love who we go to and listen to and talk to and i feel like in so many ways we juda and i similar to you and julio had great examples and we still need help we still need right and we're so blessed that we have access to that and realizing that that's not the case for everybody but realizing that that investment we could do everything else in our life right we could do our very best to raise our kids we could do our very best to pastor the church and you and i are in very unique jobs that if our marriage doesn't work we don't have our job which is not right not a lot of jobs out there but at the end of the day our jobs are not our nine nine to five aren't what we get paid for our jobs are to live good lives that look like jesus if we're jesus follower and so even though not everybody is in our profession of ministry everybody's job actually is their marriage actually is their family in their life and looking like jesus so i think we have an advantage that way and that we have to prioritize our marriage yeah and massive and when you think about it it's it's not rocket science you know like think about when you refer to you know the science the professional counselor but you you it's very practical i find that you know when we're talking with you know our our coaches our counselors what they're breaking down for us is so practical do you ever sit in and listen to like i'm paying you for this like i couldn't figure that out myself but the power why did we need a third person to speak into this to let us know common sense like you know what you guys just really need to work on is communication you're like really i couldn't wait right but the power we have found of being able to put language behind things that we are facing i think more than anything has been so helpful for example i am an internal processor so when i'm going through something i don't want to talk it out i don't need to talk through all my feelings i just kind of need to go for a walk sit by myself figure out okay what are all these things going on well meanwhile judah is seeing that i'm going through something and he feels like he is like he's being neglected he feels like i'm not being vulnerable with him he feels like he did something wrong and he's the reason i'm sad and so this is me and judah on the other hand is is an external processor and when he is going through something now you know he wants to talk to every single person he could even imagine about it i'm angry no i'm depressed no i'm upset no and he like within the span of 20 minutes goes through all these emotions and at first when we were first married i would latch on to every emotion that he would talk about as he is externally processing and i just realized oh you know what he's actually just going through his process and i need to be there for him as his external process and me needing to go on a walk that's just me going through my process but for us the simple tool of adding language to what we're thinking and feeling and going through has been so powerful and helpful because we are different and i agree with what you said but i kind of disagree that a healthy marriage is because of two healthy individuals but i've seen really healthy people have really bad marriages because they never learn the communication tools and they never actually learn how to understand each other and i think we're so good at understanding ourselves but are we giving ourselves the tools to understand each other that's so powerful it's a great thought what something like that like i think what you just said there has a lot of truth to it that's a really good what's uh one or two things that you've learned in the process of marriage monday and focusing on the subject where you go wow four or five years ago i don't know if i believed that i don't know if i thought that this is that was really insightful that really helped you know us go to the next level in our marriage if you have a couple thoughts you go this one was paramount for us i think the biggest thing i've learned well two things first is how powerful vulnerability is we all talk about fights that judah and i get in about our sex life about things that we're dealing with and i realize that isn't normal especially in christian spaces especially from pastors and i realized because we got to experience that vulnerability from our parents it's it's very powerful and i think that's resonated so much with people but as far as what really makes a difference i have found as cheesy as it is it's more the little things than the big things that you know you hear the statistics of well most divorces happen over finances or over this but actually the power of little things that we do in our marriage the little thoughts that we think about our spouse i told a story one on one monday about fridays used to be our day off and it was kind of my day to like get stuff done and i was cleaning the house and judah was off doing something probably golf who knows what and he's he's out there and i'm just so annoyed every little thing that i have to pick up after him it is a thought by the end by the time he got home he came home to the angriest nastiest life like a kid through the laundry basket what did i come home to come on it's supposed to be my day off and i realized i had just fed myself those little thoughts all throughout the day so the next friday i tried to do the opposite because it was the same scenario he still had just as many things on the floor my tantrum did absolutely nothing right right right right right and even though no external circumstances changed the only thing that changed were my internal thoughts that i had about my husband every time i had to pick something up i said man i'm so grateful that he can provide for us i'm so grateful that he's a godly man you know what he loves me he loves our babies and he came home to a different woman and it was a big thing it was in the little things and i think those little things i mean i'm sure you and julie experience this too the power of little things in your marriage are so huge powerful i think both of those truths are are huge uh we're just talking this morning with our staff we have staff devotion on tuesday and talking about the need to be honest and i don't think peop most people struggle with lying that's not usually what is going to get most people but remember when david says in psalm 51 he says you desire truth in my inward parts the truth starts with me that if i'm really honest with myself yeah then i have a shot at being honest with my spouse but i but most people i don't think they're on i don't think people are honest with themselves and therefore they're not honest and transparent and vulnerable with their significant other and i think that's a big deal i so agree why do you think that is what do you think is in us that keeps us from are we afraid what we're gonna find i think it's why people don't check their credit score i think it's why people don't want to go to the dentist or they don't want to floss we don't want to face reality i don't want to come to grips with how much this hurts i don't want to use language of how disappointed i am how broken i am i just would rather avoid that and honesty looks like me being honest about my life and i'm disappointed about what happened this relationship how things worked out i don't want to even talk about that i'm personally speaking now that's right and so and so i i just i dodge that or i sugarcoat it and but the problem with is the the degree i'm honest with me is the degree i'm honest with others and the problem i think that what happens in relationships is we can't create intimacy we all crave it yeah but there's just no intimacy without honesty and it's it's that thing that builds trust it's that thing that builds respect it builds intimacy and yet we it's like how crazy that we need coaches to tell us to do what we already know right the simple things like i know for me i hate being needy like there's just something inside of me that doesn't ever want to be and i think we all have these stereotypes we carry around in our minds um you know for me it's the needy wife i'm like oh dear jesus do not ever let me be that needy white but the other day okay this is so embarrassing i can't believe i'm telling you this but we've known each other for 20 years so the other day like jude is so great in his his love language is reward so he's so easy at giving compliments he's like oh you look so pretty i love you you're so beautiful and finally the other day i said hey do you mind giving me more specific compliments yeah i just need to i think i want to know what you like okay and after 20 some years of marriage i was shocked at how embarrassed i still was to go to my husband who i know loves me and say i actually need this from you in this vulnerable moment but you're right i had to be honest with myself first to realize you know what this is this is a need i'm having right now i actually do need to be affirmed in a specific way totally i and i and i think um the the aftermath of that vulnerability the aftermath of that transparency is like oh it's like just this huge relief just this huge sigh of like what was i thinking it's that it's that pride piece that destroys relationship that insecurity piece that sabotages relationships and again we got to work on us but we gotta work on the the strength the the the pillars of a great relationship with trust respect communication these these pillars what what are some what are some traps maybe even out of responses that you've gotten on social media what are some things that you go wow out of this journey i really realized like hey these are the things that we're just really gonna steer clear from because i've watched people fall into this pit uh what are some ones that would come to mind i think comparison is one of the biggest hits especially in relationship to our marriage which so often we think about that you know in relationship to our personal selves like okay i know i don't want to compare i need to be the person who god made me and i need to love myself and you know all those christian cliches right but really when it comes to our marriage and our lives i think comparison is such a killer whether we're comparing our sex life if we're comparing our finances if we're comparing our success it is such a killer of joy and heat and happiness and contentment and man if we could just be in a place of contentment when we could just breathe and like ourselves and like our spouse and enjoy our life even though we know our life isn't perfect and our spouse isn't perfect and we aren't perfect but it just brings so much peace and joy into our lives but i just i don't know do you feel like contentment is is lacking these days well it's it's huge you know again we we've been blessed with models you know we've been blessed with great examples and so you look at your model of how you grew up and there's some things about your parents you want and something you don't want of course but then you look at people with a great marriage like i always look at you guys and i feel like you guys have been so great at being an example to julie and i and you do you find yourself comparing yourself maybe even inadvertently of going well you know they they do this and you know how well they you know she said this to him and compliment it's kind of har it's a tension all of life is within attention yeah it's a tension of having inspiration and model and example and yet being content with who i am i like how you said i got to love me and be happy with the way god made me and i got to be content with my spouse there's that whole thing about proverbs i'm always reading through prophecy going like a contentious spouse i don't want to be there you said it nice because in proverbs it's normally a contentious woman so i appreciate your trans your gender sensitivity i was including myself in it to be honest it's like it's it's not one it's not just for the wife can you imagine what julia would be like if you were constantly like hey you know what julie i mean julia is actually i think she's the complete package she's so gifted and social and she's good at everything but let's just say she doesn't keep a clean house i think she does but she does what if you could you imagine what if you went over to somebody's house and like julia i wish she kept her house more like this i mean what that would do to her it would be crushing or if you got off the stage after preaching and julia was like man i don't know i thought judah's sermon last week was right better but we do that in so many little ways in our marriage like oh they just got a new car or they got a puppy or man they have a fulfilling job and we just cut each other down through comparison one of my favorite quotes about marriage i think it was gary smalley that said this constant criticism creates constant insecurity and so i have the power to to create for julia security and confidence and it's that whole thing at the end of the day i only really care about what i think and what my spouse thinks yeah there's no other opinions that really matter to me that's what's going to dictate your your success and we all want to be successful can we just admit that right it's not what people who are going to come and go think and probably you know your babies someday you'll want them to love you but they'll be teenagers and you're right i love that quote though that is so powerful and don't you think the reverse is also true that constant acceptance creates constant security constant encouragement can create constant security and you've probably seen those couples who after 10 years 15 years 20 years end up being exactly who they didn't want to be oh man because they just constantly cut each other down that's it and you see it happen in real time in front of you and you just kind of like gasp a little bit of going i know that deep down they don't want this they don't want to be that person i don't know anybody that got married that goes hey let's me and you let's just grow apart and let's despise each other are you down yeah but but but with with that bitterness and that unforgiveness and those words and the compare it that's what it leads to i you know we're new to this whole thing so you know bayside up in sacramento invited us to do this marriage conference and i think maybe this is we've done two or three of them but for some reason this last one at bayside out of the pandemic us being in marriage counseling that you know the culvert was really hard on our marriage we we were thrown all you know for the first time no planes no travel no we're throwing together little kids yeah it just exposed a lot in us that we didn't even know was lurking and so i'm grateful to have counselors and and work on it and be equally committed to that both of us are equally committed to getting our marriage strong and healthy so i think it was the counseling and bayside that made me kind of wake up you're kind of like unaware of how important this thing really is until right now for me personally and then i go i feel like one i want to help people i want to serve people i want to encourage when you're encouraging people what are you encouraging people to do or to be what what's the encouragement you go i'm always trying to say this this is probably so basic but in light of true marriage counselors you know the most basic things are the most true um it's just put in the work it's just put in the work the hard work every day when you don't feel like forgiving when you want to hold on to a grudge when you want to just it's easier to critique than it is to compliment why is that why is that our human nature but actually when it comes to our marriage just put in the work put in put in the date night don't you know what and if it comes between in your finances chooses choosing between sally's piano lesson or going on a date night this is so controversial but i will just say it skip the piano lesson sally is not i'm a professional piano player and go on a date night and do the work and invest in your marriage because what why did i choose sally like sorry like the most 80 i liked it i liked it i liked it sally jesse raphael i mean but what sally needs actually is for her mom and dad to have a stable marriage and that's way more important than the piano lessons and so yes work on your parenting but first and foremost put the work into your marriage and work can look a lot of ways but when it looks down to your time energy effort and your money make those investments into your marriage and you won't regret it and i think you know we we've had to learn how to do date night you know with us starting at church and little kids we would go on date night and we would talk business we would talk church and one of the marriage counselors that we saw they go that would be like having a board meeting during worship you would never have a board meeting in the midst of a praise song you gotta you know have the board meeting when it's time to have the board meeting and when it's time to have you know a worship meeting do worse so we've had to even learn how to date each other and have what's on the table and off the table right and have a meaningful conversation that isn't about raising the kids managing the house or because you and julia work together like judah and i do not a work conversation but basically hey judah what do you think about the covid vaccine i don't know what do you think about oh my oh my gosh john rom getting kicked out of the great tournament you get hey what and cultivating conversational skills that aren't that that aren't just managing life together it actually takes some work which is embarrassing to admit that we still have to work i'm sure you guys feel the same way 20 some years in you got to work with it you got to work at it and that's what i like i like because now you're talking about pursuit again rather than just you know we treat each other with such familiarity which breeds such contempt yes and like the julia who you marry now is an amazingly different woman in a good godly growing way then the 24 year old julia that you married but you're right but pursuing again and knowing what's it like for julia in this stage of life in this season and being curious about each other and wanting to know what's growing and changing and don't you think those are the things that allow us to grow together instead of just growing apart that's it it's amazing i want to ask you one last question thank you i could talk this honestly has become one of my new favorite subjects and i want to thank you honestly you're an influence to me and an inspiration thank you for being vulnerable and posting consistently content that we really need to be thinking about and consuming it's important stuff i i'm very thankful i want to ask you um we've said a few quotes is there a marriage quote that you go i really like this one i think of this one it's a you know a thought that i go i land on this one quite often oh this is a horrible way to end the podcast but i'm actually not much of a quote person it's fine which is fine i like that i like your marriage quote was so good so no i didn't even think i don't think i have a great marriage quote that's horrible no that's not horrible because you know some people think in quotes like that's what that would be how my mind works like i'll tell you one of my favorite marriage quotes for me ruth graham ruth graham says a great marriage is made up of two great givers and forgivers and i thought that's the truth too that's so good great givers and forgivers because you just you know first of all the kingdom that we're in is all about giving this is this just everything about our life is giving right and a marriage that is not generous think about that yeah and and but don't you think we are the kingdom of god that you and i are a part of and i know not everybody isn't but always the paradox of god's kingdom is when you give that's when you receive the most and so often what we want in our marriages i know we all have things that we would i i need more compliments we all have things that we want more of in our marriage and that's such a good quote because it's so practical in the sense of it gives you a path to getting what you actually want in your marriage and it's not by trying to take it but it is by giving it to the other person that's it and and and i like that she said it's made of two because there's nothing worse than seeing the marriage where it's like so-and-so's working hard and the other one is stuck or stubborn or ornery and can't get over the comment the season the lost whatever it's like we got to work hard together and i'm very thankful we you know obviously judah's the same julia is the same we're just in this together we're just we're going to work hard at it yep we are and we're going to keep going but i i do want to give hope though to people who they feel like they are the only person in their marriage working because i don't know if you and julie bennett i know i've been in that season where it was more of a focus for me than it was for judah or just in our pastoring world we have seen a lot of people when one spouse for a season just carried the brunt and kind of held a marriage together and we have seen miracles happen transformation wow place and i even think about seasons of marriage sorry i know we're trying to end this no i love it this is great the season of marriage when judah's dad died and he was just in grief his dad was his best friend he had died he had died a really painful horrific death we've been believing for him to be healed i would say for a solid year judah didn't really have much to give in that season and marriage does come in seasons and yeah it does take two people giving and forgiving but it's over a lifetime and that we don't want to keep a balance sheet in this season you know a season of young kids a season of somebody's carving out their career a season of grief and loss that it's not it's not always equal in give and take but that's why we're in it for the long haul right because it will be it will be i love that that's such great wisdom and perspective i love the way that you painted that picture it it ebbs and flows just as people you just watch p you journey with people and you watch them have good seasons and bad seasons just like your marriage and one of my favorite things um i saw rich post a photo the other day and he has uh kind of like my mind says to live and die in l.a and yours is chelsea and judah talking judah right rich rich has said his his thing i guess we all have these now he's the only thing to do that's new uh his said play the long game and i just i i like that in all relationships yeah yeah that's also such a rich quote but yeah but it's about playing the long game that you know there's going to be time i love that about our marriage there'll be times when i'm strong and she's weak and times that she's strong when i'm weak and and that's the way we serve each other and love each other and um it really is a it's a it's a beautiful messy thing yeah that way a beautiful messy thing i now have a new favorite quote on marriage marriage marriage is a beautiful messy thing that's worth the work in the mess it really is it really to have somebody that knows the good the bad and the ugly nobody knows me better nobody knows the true version of me like my spouse and that is embarrassing and yet comforting at the exact same time well i'm i'm so excited i can't wait for this monday can't wait to see what you're gonna say thank you for being who you are and i can't wait for tonight people they're losing a podcast tonight we are partying the four of us four of us dinner you are not eating bread but i i will be so yes yes i will watch the all y'all eat some bread but we're gonna have fun nonetheless i love you guys so much thank you for doing this thank you the best okay you

Channel: ZOE LA

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Keywords: CHURCH ONLINE, Elevation church, Maverick City, Worship, ZOE Worship, carl lentz, chad veach, chad veach preaching, chelsea smith, fed live, georgia, judah smith, leadership lean in, pastor chad veach, pastor julia veach, zoe church, zoe church la, zoe church la sermons

Id: xBucXRcqwoc

Length: 31min 29sec (1889 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 16 2021