Laugh All Night Presents: JONNIE W

[Music] inside the Hunger Games arena this is amazing this is beautiful it's just good to be back in the south man I'm from my Nashville he said and so I just got back from Iowa was in Iowa a couple months ago okay if you ever get a chance to go to Iowa you guys go ahead and skip it here's the thing there's no there's no reason that is a corn maze from which there's no escape that's all that is I'm only judging by the weirdest thing I saw there I was driving on we're I was on a tour tour bus and we saw this funeral home in the middle of a cornfield the cemetery and the sign on the front of funeral home said this now offering double-decker grave plots I said you pull this bus over right now I got questions we get out the guy was digging the hole I'd go perfect what do you mean double-decker sir he goes well we go ten feet down to just six we go ten feet let me put the first person in yeah then we put four feet of dirt and then I guess they wait and I want to be there when that second person goes in you know so I can be like King me you know I'm saying I just need you can do you can move wherever you want in the cemetery after that you know it frees you right up why stop at 10 feet go 20 feet down put your whole family just play Connect for do whatever you want to do I told that joke a little Missionary Baptist Church last week it did not go well this lady came down in the front after the show I would never have a double-decker grave plot sir I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend you she's like I'm not offended but my husband's not saved you know so if I die first let me put him on top of the dead in Christ try to rise he's blocking me and I'm not really that just that's just um that's just physics right there that's all it is no I grew up going to church my mom was a good church-going lady man she was old-school anybody got a old-school mom anybody old-school mom oh man mom's old-school my friends were getting tattoos when I was like 15 like mom I'm gonna get some tattoos like my French was like that is so neat where you gonna live so that was a cool conversation that we got to have my mom was great at guilt and moms are the best at guilt aren't they my mom so good it'd be like Christmas coming up you know and we'd be like hey mom what do you want for Christmas from these kids you know we'd be a little good what do you want for Christmas you're like I just want you kids to get along well that's not gonna happen um what if I keep punching him in the face but we get you a gift card good you need your family that will humble you man I was home for the holidays and I stay with my brother he's like ya know your Big Shot comedian he was you need to get a hotel stay with me in the guest room Hotel okay fine so I'm going to the guest room my brother's house I walk in I realize there's no bed you ever had that moment of terror he's like no no it's fine I'll get it he comes in with this bag oh no that's final I'll just inflate the air bed you'll be fine oh no and I slept on one of these atrocities it's an it sounds like it's gonna be amazing it's a bed made of hair sounds like you're gonna be sleeping on a cloud doesn't it you're on this thing five minutes like this is the pool toy I'm on a pool toy and they had better air bed yet that the air doesn't leak out of overnight I wake up I'm on the ground the bed is around me somewhere I'll lay down on a mattress I woke up in an inflatable shame taco something's wrong that is not okay with me like I'll get a hotel next time sometimes you have to rent these cars to not get I guess stuff that's nicer than my stuff that's a weird feeling you got to go back to your old junky car I rented a car one time and they go we upgraded you automatically had so many points it's like awesome and this thing had heated seats and it better got the heated seats in your car that is a nice thing to have if you know you have it I must have bumped this button with my drink putting in the drink holder I'm just driving down the road it's a vet it's a very relieving feeling though when you realize I'm not having a stroke that's a cool feeling that washes over you when you realize you're okay that's good no no I like him to travel that's my favorite thing about being the community it's hard to stay fit on the road I'm trying to lose weight and you try to eat right and it's fast food all the time chick-fil-a my favorite you guys have chick-fil-a here you're gonna have fast food you got to do that's right that's right sorry they love the Lord they're closed on Sunday that's right how to love Jesus it is still fried chicken you understand you will still get heart disease right everybody okay but he's still good nor do they have breakfast there and I'm pretty freaked me out they have a chicken biscuits fried chicken for breakfast that is America right there take that Isis but here's the thing they had they had a menu item for breakfast it freaked me out even as the carnivore it was the chicken egg biscuit we've seen this chicken and egg together anybody else feel like that's a little bit brutal it's like saying the chicken I will eat you and your unborn fetus get in here I will wipe your family out and then I'm gonna go to work I feel nothing inside that is an angry sandwich that's all I'm saying that is angry he talked about killing two birds that's too many jokes I apologize mr. name is one too many but I think we're weird about food in this country anyway because I'm with my church all the time when we go on missions trips you know like to Haiti in places we went to Southeast Asia with my church and everybody was freaking out because they eat dogs and cats there and the whole team yeah they were like cuz we don't fry up cute stuff here we got rules it's gotta be a little funny-looking that's the rule and the funnier looking an animal is the more cruel we will be you won't even think about it you know like a lobster boil it alive boil him what are you a Bond villain stop it and I used to eat lobster all the time I can't do it anymore a buddy of mine made lobster for me at his house you ever have that happen he's like five feet from me in the kitchen I hear the sound of the hopster going down into the pot this whistling screaming sound comes out because like I'm out of here again he comes out all defense if Johnny settle down first of all that's not a scream okay that's just a physiological reaction that's air escaping air is escaping it's like that's what a scream is that's very convenient right no they love it it's like a Jacuzzi they love it it's like seeing somebody gets stabbed in the parking lot for the show and be like he's just letting off excess blood he's fine he's fine but I get it I know I'm conflicted too man and even if you're a carnival in an area we're all conflicted about it and I'll prove it to you we love cute things so much that we change the name of the meet the cuter the animal gets why don't we do that that's a coping skill like chicken meat it's just chicken fish meat is just fish why they're ugly in their beady eye to kick them in the face we don't care we get two cows that were like cows are kind of cute beef this one's beef now that's right that's right we would never eat a deer venison enjoy that venison yummy this isn't raccoon and squirrel meat this is an agreed but we changed the names change them so scum you guys are like is that true we don't know all I know is the Nashville Vanderbilt University one of the chemistry majors he did a study on all the chemicals of some of these fast food items and it made the news because he found a chemical in mcribs also used to make exercise mats is gross and if you're in here and you eat mcribs you probably like what it's an exercise mat make any sense any sense at all hey can I play a little music for you guys gonna brought my guitar can I play low music feel thank you very much i living in Nashville's weird you always people always think that you're gonna run into like country stars you know when you're on the bound it really doesn't ever happen but happened to me the other day I saw Kenny Rogers coming out of the grocery store and I don't know if you've seen Kenny lately but he may have had some work done and I'm not mad about it that's fine if it makes you feel better and you got the money cut away does not bother me I'm just saying if if you are his surgeon you know you got those jowls pulled back tight like you got to know when to hold him [Applause] no it doesn't like that joke so it doesn't mean you're gonna be telling that joke in Nashville and Kenny's gonna be in the back of the room crying it's like sweetie all that Botox Kenny can't cry anymore what are you kidding me no way not a chance no no no I love giving you church events my favorite kind of events I do corporate events sometimes - those are fun because you never know what you're gonna get I was doing a corporate event a couple months ago I was doing a hunting and fishing Expo in Fort Smith Arkansas they did not like me and I tried I didn't know what to expect to them either I walk out everybody 500 people head-to-toe camouflage Oh feels like almost didn't see you there nothing I got nothing from these people and I didn't know what expecting them the stage was all set up with like deer heads mounted on the wall staring me down my whole set they had a stuffed turkey right at my feet just I'm not supposed to acknowledge the turkey just come out and do my stuff like I I felt like that Turkey story needed to be told so what a song for those guys that day this is my turkey song and hope you enjoy it but I'm really not counting on yeah [Music] the next song I want to do [Applause] there's another verse but we don't have time I think the radio was really sad to me now I listen to radio all these songs are just full of cliches they're all the song it's all the same they're always saying some of the dumbest stuff and you know so trailer today you hear something like this it's like she never heard the word impossible she don't know the meaning of regret she don't know the meaning of many words at all she's stupid feel like some of you guys might know that girl don't point don't look at her don't look at it right now but I do I love music and bears myself sometimes in music you know all the time you know sometimes I got to do think last night I was in Orlando I didn't think it was a worship conference it's called the experience comes I got to meet some of these guys that lead worship they write worship songs that I do at my church you know is I so cool I get to meet Chris Tomlin it's pretty cool you guys do Chris Tomlin songs so you probably he's a little guy you put him right in your pocket Chris Tomlin and he didn't like that and but I was like Chris you got to stop writing so many questions songs he was like what do you mean it's like you know you write your song it's a question but then you don't answer the question in the song he's like what do you mean I was like how great is our God pretty great I mean he's got one it's called how can I keep from singing you know that we use to do it let's go because how can I keep from singing your praise there'll be a part in that song where a big choir just goes we can't that's all I'm saying like the secular musics no better you know and then they have to question songs on the radio all the time I listen to the oldies station sometimes there was a question song only that that song should be over in nine seconds that's an easy question you know it's by a group called the carpenters and you may have heard this song goes like this goes why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near because I have bread but I embarrass myself on the way to a show sometimes one time I was a couple months girls on the way to North Dakota it's already freezing there sorry Tim below there you know and you go ahead and skip North Dakota too and they're nice people but I was on the way I was just like trying to power slide in my rental car to North Dakota but jesus take the wheel you know and I'm listening to the radio I'm here to listen the rental car radio stations you know and I hear a song on the radio I've never heard before I was like this is awesome and I got so excited I didn't care if it was ten below I rolled down the windows I pumped up the jam and it was a radio commercial has that ever have anybody else just feel just feel sad manipulated it always starts off great you know I was like I won't I need I want I need was like yes do it it was like Juhu all-beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame-seed bun' dang it and now I'm starving and this is where advertising is going you got to know that we're the TiVo generation we all have the DVRs at home we're fast forward and through the commercials you know I got have one of those at home it's full of shows I'll never get a chance to watch them all they're piling up on there I love that show hoarders but I can't delete him I might need them you don't know don't you dare don't you dare judge me Orlando I will delete them when I'm ready but these radio people are the worst they trick you they make it sound like a pop song you listen longer you may hear this on your way home tonight trapped in this place I know so well my home is lacking prison cell and it feels like I can't breathe anymore she comes inside and drives my eyes and takes my hand we walk outside I can breathe for the first time Allegra call your doctor please Allegra for seasonal allergies like if pollen makes you sneeze don't be afraid of trees just take two of these [Music] I'm Johnny W thanks so much god bless you all and Oh [Applause]

Channel: Laugh All Night

Views: 14,026

Keywords: Comedy, Stand-up comedy, Clean Comedy, Christian Comedy, Christian Comedian, Comic, Comics, Music Parody, Christian Music, Laugh All Night, Jonnie W, Funny, Laugh, Laughter, Family Fun, Family Comedy, Comedian, Comedians, Funny Video, Comedy Video

Id: d2NrSbA95-Y

Length: 15min 36sec (936 seconds)

Published: Sun Mar 22 2020