KT #651 - ARI SHAFFIR

[Applause] hey y'all the LA forum is right around the corner and contrary to a lot of people's rumors there are still tickets available for that the YouTube theater 2 Days Later has sold out also there's still a few tickets available for night one at Madison Square Garden the two night super mega event the biggest in Kil Ton's history travel go there we'll see you there and I am on tour with standup comedy me and some of your favorite cronies from the show do our own standup sets I'm going to be in Cleveland Ohio Pittsburgh Pennsylvania Boston Massachusetts Baltimore Maryland Salt Lake City San Jose Dallas Houston Texas St Louis Missouri Nashville Tennessee Fort Lauderdale and Orlando and then that is all of the stand up on the road I am doing until 2025 I'll be releasing that special just after May we'll see you guys on the road nothing but love here is another episode of kill [Music] [Applause] Tony 1 2 [Music] 3 hey this is redb come to you live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin Texas for a brand new episode to kill Tony give it up for Tony hitchclip [Applause] who's ready to [ __ ] some [ __ ] up tonight [Applause] huh yeah Mak some nice Red Band everybody here we go again the number one live podcast in the world brought to you by gel Blaster the red rose Yellow Rose Hall Law Firm CM Smokehouse ninjab buses.com and Connect Mobile Health where you can get an IV drip fully recover how about a hand for the best Stam ban in the land huh I don't think I don't think people know what the [ __ ] they're missing Kil Tony live inh housee is just an unbelievable treat this band [ __ ] rocks Matt muing on the electric guitar has a brand new single out O2 o the letter O2 o the new hit song Epsilon the great John D on the keys check out John D's. bandcamp.com for all of his music that's d a that's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drones and how loud can this place get for the one the only the Great and Powerful D [ __ ] Madness on the base Jesus Christ almighty un effing believable the kids are put to bed the bongs are bubbling here's a little bit more from The Amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now the Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin Texas is now open check out red band's Secret show every Thursday go to sunsetstrip atx.com for [Music] tickets you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what you guys are in for a very special treat uh you know sometimes I have multiple guests on and sometimes it gets a little too [ __ ] busy for my liking too many people trying to chime in the show doesn't get to breathe sometimes the people don't know the show that well and they're doing this and that this is a special episode because this is a [ __ ] veteran of the kill Tony guest game coming on solo he's been stuck with a ton of people on every episode that he's been on recently and we have him here all by himself he is truly my big brother one of my favorite mentors in the history of my [ __ ] career and a man who I love with all of my goddamn heart Comedy Store Legend you know him from all of his hit specials all of his hit podcasts one of the funniest human beings on planet Earth and one of my favorite humans of all time let's see how loud this place can get for the one and only Ari shapir everybody oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] let's go yes woo oh yeah Ari shabir and his his band of minions oh my God you have the craziest balls of all time it never gets old every time I'm like Jesus Christ oh God watching them slip back into those pants was the scariest thing it's like watching a a baby be [ __ ] pushed back into the womb or something like that 7 lb 8 oz of nuts holy [ __ ] oh my God was that a yamaka I saw in one of them that is unbelievable you put the men in manora those [ __ ] things are wild dude Make some noise for Ari shafir everybody coming in with a [ __ ] bang we're going to have fun be back Tony good to be back Red Band good to be back band we love you I've been looking forward to this you know ever since the show's gotten a little bit bigger lately than it was ever before and yeah I heard you're doing the Hebrew Center yes yeah Madison Square G in two nights you're going to take a tunnel there am I correct that's the Karen yeah from the Hebrew Center to the Karina Tony you can do no wrong it is unbelievable and uh I'm I'll dig you a route from here to there I love it I cannot [ __ ] wait but you know a lot of people we're at the point now to where uh a lot of the biggest comedians in the world hit me up and they're like hey can I do the show this and that and I like I've been telling you for a month or two I wanted you to be on [ __ ] solo just me and you we'll [ __ ] get into this [ __ ] you know how it works 29 human beings signed up tonight wow 29 one just slipped out we'll let that be the first [ __ ] bucket pull of the is that a real human heavyweight champion of the world it's a stage name okay stage name is heavyweight you know this for a fact okay the producers are saying yes they literally everybody has to [ __ ] sign a thing what's the extra chair for I feel like my stepmom is going to show up like she's a man I don't know just in case anything crazy happens okay um anything can happen here on kill Tony the whole Show's improvised and Austin has a lot of rabble rousers running around um so while they go get the heavyweight champion of the world let me remind y'all uh that comedians on this show get 60 seconds you know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring got the angry West Hollywood bear and then I interview them and we find out more about them with our esteemed guest the Great and Powerful Ari shaffir are you guys ready to start tonight's show well they're still grabbing the heavyweight champion of the world he spell it with a DA it was Da not a good sign by the way it could be a great sign uh but while we grab him there's only one way to start a show like this with one of our most esteemed regular you know when we found this guy he was poor he was selfless and he was smart and now he is Rich he has an ego and he's dumb um you guys know the theme [Applause] song this is H Kim hey it's good to be here I think abortion is pretty cool you know men have been killing things for years this time the ladies took a crack at it too you can start with fetuses work your way up to Filipinos I recently went to Louisville they have an airport there called the Muhammad Ali airport who doesn't love an airport named after a guy that couldn't stop shaking is this turbulence or does this plane have Parkinson's [Music] disease ever since I got on killed Tony I've been doing a lot of 69 that's where I have sex with sixes and I think I'm a nine all right that's my time thank you okay 44 seconds from Hans Kim coming in a little bit light in the loafers tonight I like the jokes yeah I forgot I uh I thought it was longer I'm sorry my timing is a little off why do you think your timing is off this week uh this week I don't know maybe uh the uh the the girlfriend not being with me anymore I'm single you got dumped yeah what happened a long time ago but uh yeah you mean two weeks ago when you told us about it yeah a long time ago I feel like I've already done the jokes that I've had for that you guys will have to listen two weeks from now but what is going on right now what don't you talk about why don't you give us an update Hans what's with this outfit brother this is uh what are you what are you trying to do with your life wh why this whole thing besides the shoes with the immigration crisis I thought it'd be good to let these people know which side I'm on you're on the white side of History you look like a sales rep for Ping is is this free clothing or did you buy it I bought most of this what didn't you buy um I bought everything but this jacket this jacket my mom bought me from Korea ooh nice okay did she just buy you that jacket Solo or did it come with a box of other goodies just the just the jacket I was like hey Mom I need a jacket she got it for me very nice lady um what's going on in your life that's exciting Hans anything this week I've been uh crush and puss I met a tell us about that there you go that's what we like to know about that's interesting this the first time you've given us uh an update this is different than your ex-girlfriend yes this is completely different women so this is the F women yes more than one yes you ever stop and think how lucky you are yeah a lot of people have been reminding me how much I don't deserve it or [Music] whatever so tell us about the new Puss Hons we've been hearing about the same girl for a couple years this is like all new right yeah I was in h Springfield this girl put had a real strong grip gave me a strong gripped uh hand job I had to [ __ ] get rist control [ __ ] back out wa look at that look at that and then she tried to finger my butthole and I was like I'm wearing jeans this and then she squeezed my balls and I was like ouch okay yeah I'm going to need to take a walk I take a little breather yep are I have a question is that what you call crushing puss that that that seemed more like love on the Spectrum like really holy [Applause] [ __ ] at what point did you crush puss Hans you got your ball squo a finger in your jeans and a hard hand job where did the puss come into play I was fingering her the whole time wow okay all right you were crushing puss with your finger [Music] rock and roll okay did you do anything with your penis uh yeah I got it sucked a little I is this the same girl girl yes same Spring Missouri yes wow dude very beautiful lady we went she beautiful yes uh-huh okay all right e see there he's got a lot of momentum early on get little excited with those buttons okay we went to the Bass Pro Shop that's the first bass pro shop is in Springfield we went to the aquarium there uh you you wife feed her you like you started like going out with this chick yeah that's the only way I can get laid nice bro you have to hang out with them first yeah a long time right okay so it was just one girl uh it was her and then uh the Beautiful beautiful Angelica oh she's here tonight oh she's here yes okay what happened with the Angelica she and I had sex yesterday wow here in Austin yes and this is like a fan of yours a fan of the show yeah she mentioned me in a story and I was like holy [ __ ] uh-huh that's good enough and then like yeah you messaged her like what's up yeah I was like come on over she's like I can't I can't and then she did that through three times and the fourth time she could she could right nice cuz you you're very persistent we know that you have rapy energies I can't means nothing to you I can't means ask again I have I ask I have a fridge full of kimchi yeah you grab my dick really hard was that the one that grabbed your dick hard no she's got a very gentle touch okay is Angelica just visiting no she's uh moved here from Houston wow oh my goodness you going to do this again with Angelica yeah hopefully tonight wow where's Angelica at do you see she's up up there in the booth okay you got her a spot on the VIP balcony huh wow I didn't know that you had access to that part of the guest list was actually trying I thought those were my people but I guess you're squeezing uh all they have to do is mention you in their stories and all of a sudden they're sitting where Elon Musk sits when he comes to a show it's all it takes just DM Hans Kim everybody is that possible but you got to skip the aquarium with this one this was straight to fun huh yeah no aquarium just straight to the wet [ __ ] Angelica if the place could stay quiet for a second Angelica how is Hans in bed is she a cat 10 out of [Music] 10 T she seemed coached on that answer yeah 10 out of 10 Jesus Christ pretty Asian for a Mexican girl she's Mexican oh she's Mexican did you use protection nope oh hot wa oh bo b mistake oh [ __ ] mixing the old beans and rice oh my goodness well we're going to need updates on what happens from here Hans uh keep us posted on the newborn baby that you're going to have no protection did you pull out uh yes I pulled out okay yeah on her stomach and back taking a chance to you might have a [ __ ] you might have a bow in the oven right now dude nothing on that Bao nothing did that not translate I thought that was good okay um Hans good job great interview as always his interviews are unbelievable he's back folks single Hans is back last week he was still [ __ ] his ex and this episode comes out he was upset he was upset about the girl they just broke up and he was [ __ ] his ex the whole time and uh so this is the first time we've heard of Hans getting actual new [ __ ] in Forever it's two in a week yeah what the [ __ ] happening to society I'm telling you dude these [ __ ] chicks love comedy the quickest way to a girl's uh vagina is by making her laugh or having really compelling interviews it seems you guys having fun well you know what time it is he's ready we're going to meet him all together I introduced you for the first time on the show the heavyweight champion of the world everybody 60 seconds uninterrupted for the first bucket pool of the night Anything Can Happen Make some noise for the heavyweight champion of the world oh [ __ ] let's [Applause] [Music] go a pedophile a war criminal and a Jew are digging a tunnel underneath New York City they all look at each other and say mazov I'm Mexican if you couldn't tell if you couldn't tell you need to step your [ __ ] Prejudice game up I'm one of the good ones though I believe we should uh close the border and Build That Wall baby close that [ __ ] can that's enough beans I love being here in Austin the other day I saw the most perfect woman she was so beautiful and so stupid she was like I hate white straight men I was like hell yeah I wonder how much she hates the gay brown ones I hate fat people they're always so excited to see me cuz they are no longer the fattest person in the room that's me that's my title heavyweight champion of the world baby wow okay well you got the heavyweight part right sir yes sir I love it welcome to the show heavyweight champion of the world how long have you been doing standup comedy off and on 10 years but started taking it seriously in March okay w why do you look like you're pregnant with triplet stav rooses lots lots of Mexican food tortillas man from San Antonio oh my goodness oh my good I've never seen a lopsided fat before it is incredible a little fun fact you guys can't see is a few times he put his arm behind his back while he was performing and he has an actual shelf back there can you show the people there is a shelf for his arm that's pretty convenient I love it you have a tank top and a tank body this is absolutely incredible you make Big Pun look small no doubt about it what do you do for work heavyweight champion of the world I'm I'm a Tik tocker Tik Tock yeah yeah wow is that the noise your pacemaker makes all the time I'm I'm a food blogger on Tik Tok a food blogger holy [ __ ] wow wow perfect job no one more fitting for the job than you yeah it's incredible those Capri what would we even call those so those shorts they might be Longs they are wider than they are long so you make a living doing Tik toks uh yeah mostly it's probably like 50% of my income the other 50% is coming from uh Uber driving Uber driving okay what kind of car do you Uber in I got a 2022 Ultima wow when when someone says hey we have four can we sit one up front you go no uh no they can't but I kind of hate it uh-huh okay and what ethnicity are you I'm Mexican St prej this game up no I I had a feeling I was just making sure you could have easily been aggressively Greek or something like that aggressively Greek I mean aggressively yeah uh yeah could be I love it so you live here in Austin Texas no I live in San Antonio all right this is what people a lot of people from San Antonio look like by the way those be wonder I'm the San Antonio mascot hell yeah DN how's it how's the diabetes uh it's not there yet surprisingly when's the last time you saw a doctor um in in the summer of last year and what happened last summer that you went and visited a doctor uh one of my friends died in his sleep so I was like oh [ __ ] took that as a warning yeah that's what you needed as a warning yeah oh it was all going so well and then my friend suddenly we lost him it rocked my world and I thought could I also have health problems could could I also be a risk for [ __ ] completely falling apart what did the doctor tell you when you were there um I mean I got all my blood work done um you mean mud work [ __ ] was coming out thick dude and and I mean yeah he was like you you need you need to get healthier you're going to [ __ ] die like straight up what have you done since then to get healthier have you lost weight have you added weight what do you think uh yeah I I've I have lost some weight I've gained some back over the holidays but I I stopped drinking what were you drinking before beer and Tequila Lone Star okay SC B peanut butter whiskey okay hell yeah all right how much you how much did you weigh buddy uh like 520 520 absolutely unbelievable and when you're when you are sleeping do you have trouble breathing and stuff like that no no no no I'm good I'll take a nap right now no I'm just okay do you think like food blogging is probably a bad idea though I mean I don't know pays the bills I TR I trust him on it me too yeah that's true if if diet tips I would not go for blogging and lobbing both of Here for a Good Time not a long time man what's your love life like yeah that's what I want to is there a uh it's it's [ __ ] is there a misss piece of [ __ ] [Laughter] no what is your love life like heavyweight champion of the world it's absolutely messy I take what I can get they're all what can you get every every single one of them is insane and not on like some gaslighting [ __ ] like they're all on ketamine and [ __ ] supremely depressed okay but usually they're pretty hot so how does that where where do you meet these ketamine fueled depressed girls uh dude San Antonio they're all like in the food service industry and what's your what's that's a very honest answer honesty goes a long way in these interviews I mean it's the ultimate note you know the thing to I'm I'm like a delist celebrity in San Antonio for vlogging so goes that goes a long way okay yeah okay so you take them back to your bed what kind of bed are we looking at I usually take them to a hotel room that's why why would you take a girl to a hotel room uh my mom's disabled I I take care of my mom been taking care of my mom since I was 12 years old what's uh what's her disability she's got uh [ __ ] up back she's got like 48 disc in her neck and then uh just several other things that stemm from there and you don't no no I work I work like 60 hours a week uh I'm pretty good crazy how old are you 36 36 36 is your mom big big lady too uh yeah but she got weight loss surgery like two years ago she's so she's slimming down have you thought about getting the surgery yeah I did I did think about it I was going to get it and then I lost like 30k and crypto so oh Krypto I thought he was going to say 30 kilos wow so the crypto Market is the reason why you're not getting the surgery uh yeah basically okay to the ground that's a cryp crypto he's he's trying to do a crypto joke wow okay so what would it what how much do you need for this surgery do you know uh last time I checked I wi in the summer of 16k uh-huh yeah 16k 16,000 doesn't seem like that much yeah but I can't get a loan on it and I don't have health insurance so why don't we do something fun why don't we when this episode comes out who from the audience would like to give $116,000 to anybody anybody no wait so what are you going to say though I think that uh you should do a [ __ ] GoFundMe and when this episode comes out we funnel people to it and maybe it'll change you don't have long to live I know I know I don't know how I don't know how I'm direct your doctor was to you sudden death he said verbatim yeah there's no doubt about it you have like [ __ ] minutes dude it's actually you might not make it to the episode release we're like two or 3 weeks behind we'll put it in the the the link on the YouTube right below if you make it it's going to be down I I guarantee you we raised enough money the one penny a person we'll get you there yeah yeah yeah I mean but you have to [ __ ] you have to spend it on the surgery no doubt about it man I take care of my mom I work so much and but if you raise 170,000 you can use leftovers for tacos I miss it sorry I love it well there you go we're going to try to raise money for you to get surgery cuz 5 and [ __ ] 20 lbs is absolutely butt [ __ ] crazy you're not wrong brother we're going to try to make you the middleweight champion of the world I'm down baby all right there he goes heavyweight champion of the world here's a mediumsized jokebook there you go boom right in the middle of his tits absolutely nailed it you know buying tickets can be a real pain sometimes you can't tell if the seats are good you can't find any last minute tickets there are no good deals that's why I use game time you shouldn't have to worry when you buy tickets to your next big event game time is the fast and easy way to buy tickets for all the sports music comedy and Theater events near you I'm telling you right now I just bought tickets to Teddy swims I absolutely love teddy swims we listen to him in the green room all the time no he's awesome Something's Got a Hold on Me and I don't you know what song that is that is Teddy swims and I'm going to see him thanks to game time at the stubs barbecue joint on March 30th no doubt about it it's the only ticketing app that gives you complete peace of mind with your purchase red ban yeah it's great I think I'm going check out green day do you have the time to do that yep I love game time because you can easily find and buy tickets for every kind of event in your area but the best thing I like about it is you can see the view from the seat that you're about to purchase so you can see exactly what the stage is going to look like before you get there take the guesswork out of buying tickets with Game Time download the game time app create an account use code kill Tony for $20 off your first purchase terms apply again create an account redeem code k i l l t o n y for $20 off that's that's why download game time today last minute tickets lowest price guaranteed hey everybody this episode of kill Tony is brought to you by bubs Naturals it's a tribute to former Navy steel Glenn bub dhy a national hero who laid down his life saving Americans in Benghazi Glenn was a best friend to hundreds people from all walks of life and Glenn stood for self-improvement and was always helping others bubs donates 10% of all profits to charity in Glenn's honor starting with the Glenn dhy Memorial Foundation bubs has the best collagen on the planet as 20 gram of protein per serving seven essential amino acids and one single ingredient it's essential for joint Health Muscle Recovery gut health and more it's 100% NSF for sports certified and Whole 30 approved also be sure to try bubs brew coffee it's USDA organic fair trade and the first ever Coffee Bean to be whole 30 approved protein equals energy right well with bubs I'm getting a full 20 gr of protein before a show I drank that and I can literally go all night and one of the most important things I do in preparation for a huge standup show well let's just say that involves the bathroom with bubs I take the absolute best pre-show shits of my life I'm lean clean and ready for the stage that bubs Brew Coffee by the way is tested free of yeast mold it's small lot roasted and guaranteed fresh right now kill Tony listeners could get 20% off when you use code Tony atbs naturals.com again that's 20% off with code Tony at buubs naturals.com die young as late as possible with bubs all right let's keep it moving along your next comedian goes by the name of Wayne McCracken 60 seconds uninterrupted for Wayne McCracken live here on Kil Tony here he is Mak some noise for Wayne everybody oh what's up Texas all right little bit about myself I am not what you would call an educated person that's right uh now I don't think that means I'm [ __ ] is the thing I what here's the thing is uh what is not [ __ ] about me is the fact that uh I think evolution is real do we get we believe in evolution in this room you think it's no you don't think it's a real thing here's what I'll say I don't think explains the Human Condition I don't know how Homo sapiens somehow finagled their way to the top of the food chain when they're prone to things like scoliosis and sunburns seems a little off but I will tell you this this is how I know evolution is real I've got one buddy he was born with a vestigial tail right you know what his girlfriend calls it the big one that's not even the worst one I have another friend that was recently diagnosed with super gonorrhea a very unfor unfortunate diagnosis this poor [ __ ] didn't just get the clap he got a standing ovation you know what I'm saying raar okay Wayne McCracken absolutely flatlining up here I mean that was God damn that was about as bad as it gets Wayne that's about it oh the ENC you know what sucks that I forgot about I'm on stage looking at no laughter so I'm also affected we are not used to that I feel bad we work long and hard to never have that feeling that's why I don't ever look them directly in the eyes when somebody's bombing that hard I don't want to see what it hurt it hurt me too no no no it didn't you're having literally the best time of your life right now here's the thing I'm really not I did too many drugs this afternoon so you're blaming it on the drugs huh it's my Escape Route do you think that that material would have gone differently if you did no drugs did you change your set list after doing the drugs or you think your delivery was affected M uh all of the above all of the above you changed your set list after doing drugs uh no here's the real deal I just got here from Colorado I got in 36 hours ago I'm operating on 8 hours of sleep once again not an excuse we are all operating off of 8 hours of sleep by the way good point that's an excellent point it's an incredible amount of sleep I I landed from Seattle which is farther than col less than 36 hours ago and I got less than 8 hours of sleep and I'm up here for 2 hours I that's why you're professional and I'm not okay you suck Wayne how long have you been doing standup comedy Wayne Tony I've been doing it for 4 and A2 years oh my God and that was your best minute that you could come up with here on the biggest platform for standup comedians in the world I knew I shouldn't have signed up I'm not in the mood you're not in the mood you just went up in front of a million people this is unbelievable this is what I deserve actually I we're running on limited time stop rambling into the microphone uh give us a redeeming quality about you the entire room is against you right now you're filled with nothing but excuses and punch lineless material give us something that we would like about you Wayne McCracken tell you have your entire life to reference here how old are you 32 years old 32 years of life story this is your chance right now to turn this whole thing around tell us something interesting about you right now go I am a petty cber I was in Vegas where I would uh kidnap people and put them on my cab and extort them for money when I got off of them here is the world's tiniest joke book that we've ever given out this has been in case of emergency break glass look how small that is just for those of you that might not know this is a normal size small joke book that is that size jokebook it has a sad face on the back of it and a KT on the front this is a mediumsized jokebook and this is a big siiz jokebook red band we got the lighter reference very good this is a big jokebook this is the size that you're getting Wayne may I recom what do you do for a living catch what do you do for a living you're a petty CER Prof have you ever had brain trauma or anything yeah when I was a kid for sure lot what happened football sure okay what was the drugs that youli skateboarding what was the drugs that you did earlier uh weed uh cocaine and Voodoo Rangers also known as the heroin of beers did cocaine did you bring it from Colorado with you or you got it on the streets here the closer you get to the border the better it gets it's here now cocaine is is here in Austin right but you so you got it here in the last 36 hours yeah I got pretty cool yeah okay the world's smallest joke book you going to catch it we're going to see if you can catch it it would be the only quity mighten he used his chest though Tony I will try to do better next talk you suck there will be know next time McCracken he's blacklisted it's been a long time since I've done it you're blacklisted go back to obscurity you go we have no room for people like this the blacklisting is back on kill Tony [Music] wow all right your next comedian goes by the name of Frankie Ryan 60 seconds uninterrupted for Frankie Ryan here we go make some noise for Frankie everybody how we doing how we doing man I'm so excited to be here tonight I decided to wear what we call a woohoo shirt you know what a woohoo shirt is woohoo now I'm on the apps and most of the time when I say apps people think I'm talking about appetizers but I'm talking about Tinder hinge Bumble for this guy grinder uh I matched with this girl and she told me that she was a vegan so as you could tell we didn't have too much in common uh we decided to go out for drinks and not dinner because there was no way I was going to pay for like rabbit food you know uh drinks went well we head back to my place things start getting hot and heavy and like the gentleman I am I Dro my hand down low she goes I'm sorry I'm on my period I said don't worry baby I eat my steak with a little bit of blood in it she wasn't having it after a minute you know it started going back towards me she started fighting the oneeyed champion you know jerking the giring I said baby I'm sorry you're going to have to put your mouth on it she goes excuse me you think a vegan would put meat in her mouth I said how else does a vegan girl get down she put my legs behind my head and started tossing my salad thank you wow that's a lot of salad it's one of those Olive Garden NeverEnding salad bowls right there there's a few croutons in that salad I'm guessing crout tons croutons oh my goodness gracious Frankie welcome to the show I like your I can't tell whether you're hilarious or just going up after [ __ ] Wayne McCracken makes anybody funny no I was I was back there and that guy [ __ ] sucked I'm probably not that funny I love it I love it you actually look like if the first two comedians made a baby together it's incredible you're the heavyweight champion of McCracken world my goodness this is incredible how long you been doing standup uh about 2 years 2 years where at uh Orlando Florida Orlando Florida and you just visiting Austin or you moved here okay when did you get here uh I got here last Sunday the goal is to stay for two opportunities to get on this show you signed up last week it didn't happen and here you are here we are baby when you go back to Orlando tomorrow uh yeah I leave at like I was planning on leaving at like 3:00 in the morning tomorrow you're driving yeah I'm supposed to like work on Wednesday probably not happening um I sell like RVS and boats and [ __ ] okay yeah you look like you would do that thank you thank you he's pretty good on stage he has a delivery style you can tell he's done it a bunch yeah thank you you work hard at it huh uh I practice a lot in the car yeah yeah yeah okay I don't like I don't like open mics cuz I feel like good jokes bomb no matter what at shitty open mics that's so but hey shows I [ __ ] love it man you ever take somebody out to international waters where there's no laws and just do whatever the [ __ ] you want to them like torture them with my comedy no sir I have not I love [Applause] it damn there's a lot of people in here dude yeah there's a lot more than you can fit in your car that's for godamn sure true okay so Frankie uh what else are you into other than uh standup comedy and slinging boats and RVs I'm a degenerate Gambler okay playing card games over there or wherever the [ __ ] it was poor you on Sports yeah well I don't know if you know this but right now I've partnered up with DraftKings and Super Bowl 58 uh is right around the corner and if you bet $5 you get $200 they match your bet up to $200 all you have to do is download the draftking sports app and use the promo code Tony there we go I'll write it down coincidence yeah what a crazy coincidence yeah that he gam and you have that nuts yeah that's czy I just I just made enough money to get lap band surgery for the heavyweight champion of the world right then in that very moment that's how amazing it is I love it um what's your poison how do you get to be that big if it wasn't for the heavyweight champion of the world you'd be the biggest guy we've had on the show in a long time yeah I like to tell people it's probably drinking but it's [ __ ] MC chickens dude chickens yeah man it's such a [ __ ] deal you can go to Chick-fil-A get one chicken sandwich or $4 get you four McChickens right right what do you think do you think that it's actual chicken no right no if it was actual chicken I wouldn't look that bad dude chicken is a healthier meat Jesus do do you call all chicken sandwiches McChickens by the way no just the McDonald one dude I'm chickfila well he was comparing the prices of the two a budget you know right right you don't go Chick-fil-A at all hey ton I mean yeah the black guys behind us are really murmuring at this chicken talk yeah what's going on back here you guys uh you say chicken three times D Madness and John D start arguing over nothing what's going on back here Matt's in it too absolutely what is he the one that eats the white bread for you guys Ari you had a uh a question or something uh no wait oh I'm I'm confused I'm spun around do you have any special skills or talents Frankie no I just show him my belly right yeah yeah that was pretty good though yeah I try to do that to get a pop and then right off of that yeah special talents no what's your love life like Frankie who you out there breaking beds uh um I actually built a mega bed uh-huh would you like to hear about it yes so my girlfriend moved in with me and I have an adjustable Bas frame Queen uh-huh the king bed is like way too expensive to buy right obviously I'm not sharing a bed with another person on a queen right so I strapped her bed to my Ari go ahead cuz you're fat you're fast with it dude [ __ ] [Music] yeah so you're not sharing a bed keep going so I strapped her uh bed to my bed and they don't come apart you strapped it strapped it like [ __ ] so it's a king and a queen wrapped together no no no no it's a queen and a fool oh yeah oh yeah it's a mega bed it's a mega bed man such a cool name we were expecting you to actually build something you just strapped a couple [ __ ] beds together I thought it was pretty Innovative yeah I agree I like it two kings would be cool though yeah I just don't have the room for I don't know if I told you but I budget for McChickens so my room's not that [Applause] big he is loving it it is incredible wow unbelievable stuff uh Frankie I like your style you're getting a big jokebook here going to catch it boom there he goes Frankie Ryan everybody okay yeah let's do it now's that time where we go to one of our uh most unbelievable regulars in the history of the show I mean this guy's literally [ __ ] unbelievable on the road he's absolutely Killing coming off of four sold out theaters with me this weekend just got invited to open up for bird in some giant venues just opened up for Shane Gillis headlining on his own a [ __ ] freak of nature I present to you a brand new minute from the great cam [Music] Patterson so me being on this show is like really dope you know what I'm saying it's coolest [ __ ] ever happened to me in my life but I think some of the wrong people uh saw the rock [ __ ] K I'm from all my homeboys had no idea what I was into in life didn't see me talk about my life experiences every week you know what I'm saying and I went back home for the first time a couple weeks ago and my dog saw me he was like hey man I love you on that kid Tony show that [ __ ] hard bro I like watch what you doing [ __ ] bro I had no idea you was a real weirdo you like a whole bunch of weird ass [ __ ] goof ass [ __ ] and like I told y he a real fan he like really enjoyed the show so when I repeated a joke on [Music] accident he called me he was like like you repea and jokes so dumb ass [ __ ] [ __ ] he was mad at me right he was mad as [ __ ] and I was like yeah you know I ain't mean to it was an acent he said I know you repeat you had repeat a joke you repeat a third grade you just a [ __ ] ass [ __ ] that my time I love it 59 seconds right on the [ __ ] dot for cam Patterson embracing the repeating of a joke their shirt says the adventures of camera Peterson yeah reading the comments when I shouldn't and they got me that [ __ ] was funny dog the repution [ __ ] is very funny whoever came up with that I owe you money but [ __ ] you I kill your mom I kill your mother [ __ ] so much fun I cannot explain to you guys you know I've been doing the [ __ ] road for basically 17 years and you might be one of the most fun people to go out there with all we do is laugh and [ __ ] have so much fun and what one of the most amazing things about Cam and it is getting bigger and better this man that you're looking at is by far the biggest marketing genius I've ever been around in the history of standup comedy Ari are you ready for this because you our senior Jewish correspondent are going to your mind is about to [ __ ] be blown so breaking Jews um this is UN is it I'm about to make you hard as a rock you ready profit margin here we go first of all his father meets Us in whatever City we land in right he goes to Home Depot that day buys about what $7 it turns out for a giant NeverEnding bag of rocks it's about like $7 it's like Garden rocks 825 825 for a [ __ ] way massive bag of Rock see what I'm no [ __ ] way dud that is so [ __ ] smart it's godamn it believable so the people how much each huh $10 wow wow and he sells out in every city so instead of lugging extra rocks to the next city and getting on a flight with a bag of rocks like a [ __ ] psychopath he has one duffel bag with his [ __ ] in it and a giant plastic case that is a [ __ ] credit card machine so he's just kach K literally the largest profit margin he might make more on merch than [ __ ] Kevin Hart and Berke ker combined literally slinging rocks slinging rocks you could take the man out of the hood but you cannot take the hood out of the man come on man wow you got to flip it baby come on man it is [ __ ] smart C believable so the next city they land in another city the dad goes to Home Depot buys 825 or the Rocks they [ __ ] sell I mean it must be I don't know it's a [ __ ] lot of rocks so it's a lot he got little he got little baggies and [ __ ] with stickers on them you know what I'm saying and they have it down to a [ __ ] science he probably makes more money than I do doing soldout theaters at the end of the day he's got a [ __ ] credit card machine yeah life got better thank you it's unbelievable you are a [ __ ] genius it doesn't make sense but in every way creating marketing [ __ ] profiting every single thing you're doing absolutely correctly it doesn't make sense you are supposed to be like ghetto you're supposed to be like I don't know where this business at you're supposed to be slinging dope rocks yeah I be I would I'll be thinking though you know what I'm saying yeah all that [ __ ] I wasn't good at turn into something that I could I'm saying really good at it make positive net wor you feel talk god damn it look at that look at that positive net I know words like that I know words like that net worth [ __ ] net worth yes this is the life of Cam patters cam did you uh did you switch your sweatpants before you got on stage yeah I did I thought so yeah I had gray ones on really you had gray sweatpants on yeah yeah everybody can look at my dick print I want that to happen so I decided put on regular sweatpants okay we saw AR's dick print when he came now pretty incredible pretty in I I I'm going to have trouble getting over this rock situation it's crazy that's great if the IRS is listening he lied about [Applause] everything taxfree cam you're a [ __ ] murderer you did it again I love it you're rolling with the [ __ ] punches in every single [ __ ] way n you know the funnyest [ __ ] yeah my dad the first person that call me about there rep Jo he said you repeated a joke and I like no I he said you repeated a joke [ __ ] you did it that was it that's what my dad says to me too yeah I love it you know most people in your situation don't have a dad calling them at all so you're very lucky very lucky yeah um there he goes ladies and gentlemen the cold blooded assassin cam the repeater Patterson there he goes hey everybody you know that little guy with a hat and glasses when you open up incognito mode for a little late night research that guy has seen some [ __ ] am I right good thing he knows how to keep a secret oh wait he doesn't even with Mr incognito on duty every single thing you've ever clicked on is fully visible to anyone who owns your Wi-Fi who's that who you ask oh I don't know your work your school's it Department your parents sounds like you need expressvpn expressvpn is an app that sends 100% of your traffic through their encrypted server so your taste in cinema cannot be seen by anyone it's like super incognito mode that actually works and speaking of Cinema expressvpn also unlocks a ton of new movies and TV shows because you can choose where in the world you want to be plus expressvpn works on all my devices I can use it on my phone TV computer whatever so I can watch whatever I want everything from Netflix to only fans without the whole world knowing it I love being able to watch anything anywhere while my information is being kept private that's true I just binged it's always sunny even though it's not usually available on Netflix how I used expressvpn to switch my location to the UK Fargo isn't on Netflix expressvpn to Canada and there it is Cowboy bbop French netflex boom it's so easy I can literally go to more than 100 different countries and watch basically whatever I want on any streaming platform expressvpn is a great tool to have especially if you travel as much as I do clearly I love expressvpn so much I even got them to give you an incredible deal if you use our special link expressvpn.com killtony you'll get an extra 3 months completely free that's expressvpn.com killtony to help support the podcast and get three extra months of expressvpn absolutely free there he goes on to the next one out of the bucket again as you've seen anything can happen with these bucket PS Make some noise for Robert Lee everybody Robert Lee here he is what's going on y'all Y having a good night Mothership good because I've been trying to reach you about just cause extended warranty and if you haven't got your 6,400 from the government what are you doing love Impressions yo hey we got any Taylor Swift fans in here yeah any I'm almost positive she already has a song that rhymes uh Travis Kel something else NFL in the middle CTE and remember me you know I can't wait for her to just date a black guy so she could just come out with a mad rap album or something somehow she's able to rhyme the word trigger you know hey that's her not me uh I love my wife been with her for 12 years uh but we're not traditional Mexicans cuz uh obviously we don't have kids uh but the thing is is uh you know we're Christians not Catholics we don't breed as fast you know so ah thank you I've been robbed holy [ __ ] man wow God damn Robert Lee welcome welcome wh why why the Schwarzenegger selling cars I don't understand of all the places to put him into why why would it be a car it's my favorite guy it's I love that [ __ ] and what why do Christians not make babies like Catholics I'm confused at that too oh Catholic Christians I mean cathol versus Christians they breathe faster and they touch little boys so I just thought it would get across nope nope nope uhoh uh your jokes about Christianity Catholicism did not get across uh um so roberly how long have you been attempting standup comedy uh about 6 months actually 6 months yes sir where at uh just San Antonio uh doing like some like you know bars and clubs wherever I can get in you feel good after you do it some well sometimes you know sometimes they're good sometimes they're bad it's a lot of minutes among minutes so it's one of those jokes in that minute that you do that get laughs well it gets attention and then I try you know I I get laugh attention you mean they're paying attention to you when you're doing it uh yeah well most of the time it's loud crowds loud bars so I try to be as loud than them to get their attention first and then you know see if I can push forward from there okay okay AR likes you cuz you're it appears as though you're wearing an extra a mega yamama it's a hat that's too small for yeah it's a hat too small for my head is that a Toyota hat you uh yeah my wife used to work for Toyota for a while she used to be a mechanic or she is but used to work for Toyota your wife's a mechanic yes sir yes sir that's hilarious she should she should fix that that act yeah hey hey at least I don't have to get out of the car to change the tire no more man I'm the pretty one you're the pretty one I hope so oh [ __ ] oh my God okay how devastated would it be if her his wife left him for the heavyweight champion could happen that Liv up to his name hell yeah after he gets that surgery dude he might he might [ __ ] be balling out of control uh Robert what's the greatest quality about you uh I mean not to be gay but I love the [ __ ] out of my wife and all my family like [ __ ] I'm the most loyal person you actually [ __ ] meet well it's easy to be loyal when absolutely nobody wants to [ __ ] you isn't it h you know I had my time but I met my wife young yeah we've been married for like I said like 12 years years how old do you know 30 so 18 damn yeah so you ever [ __ ] anybody other than your wife High School some college I mean also some cheating here there right uh you can cut this you cut this part out there's there's a couple months we don't talk about in there but it's all right okay what are those couple months yeah love talk like the beginning just the beginning you were goofing around a little bit I was goofing I found out she goofed uh after I took it harder than her obviously but wow I doubt that yeah thank you oh thank you okay Robert any special skills or talents other than standup comedy uh you know I play a lot of Yu-Gi-Oh uh you play a lot of what Yu-Gi-Oh Pokemon flag football oh [ __ ] here's a little jokebook I got to get you out of here dude there he goes Robert Lee there he goes get out of here Robert Jesus Christ oh my my God why did Yu-Gi-Oh get a massive boo what why did Yu-Gi-Oh get a massive boo I don't know these people don't [ __ ] around dude these people do not [ __ ] around how many you like it when people do good on this show how many you like it when people do bad on this show well you must be having the time of your life tonight Make some noise for your next bucket pole Sean Stewart everybody the kill Tony debut I do believe of Sean [Music] Stewart howdy y'all so I'm from Austin but when I grew up here I considered myself somewhat of a pacifist and I think that's cuz when I grew up I was somewhat of a fat ass but either way I was never much of a fighter in fact my record's one in one but I saw recently the kid that kicked my ass back in middle school had made it onto the news recently had a whole article written about him got hit by a [ __ ] train that [ __ ] was bittersweet cuz the best part I can talk all the [ __ ] I want now the worst part probably his [ __ ] funeral had to be a closed casket broke up with my ex after she got hit by a train also [Applause] a black [Music] train okay Sean Stewart all right that was the worst episode of Prairie Home Companion howdy y'all here we go so believe it or not uh that wasn't the worst set of the night um good news for you Sean Stewart it was [ __ ] terrible but not even the second worst set of the night but it wasn't even like there were jokes it didn't hit there just weren't it just wasn't jokes right literally not a joke there was an attempt at a joke kind of with a black train but it wasn't really like it it was like the cliff notes of his therapy yeah it was I can talk all the [ __ ] I want now I always thought it was kind of funny I mean it actually happened uhhuh that's cool that's fun okay how long youve been doing standup about three four months now three or four months where at only here in Austin okay what made you want to start standup three or four months ago uh mainly like the show and like I I thought kind of thought comedy was dead after like 2016 in that whole Trump era and you thought comedy was dead well I thought it like you can't really make like jokes making phone of dead people that got hit by trains early anymore and you said I also won't huh no and then I kind of so I I I saw kill Tony and like kind of like edgy like making fun of people jokes coming back and I was like all right well I guess I'm a bully so okay are you a bully I've been on both sides when I grew up I got bullied and I bullied so I think it's like even who do you bully um bullied like the Minecraft kids in middle school ah how about uh yug Yu-Gi-Oh yuoh no Yu-Gi-Oh was cool in like elementary school so cool oh [ __ ] here we go here we go you're getting booed Sean this is a Ruckus of a crowd tonight the double middle fingers from some guy wearing a Yankees hat uh Sean over here don't bully him don't bully him um this guy this guy's demeanor is something I've never seen it before he's very comfortable it's it's not that um just up here doing nothing and said also I often times thought of coming here doing nothing I thought why not come to do nothing for you people I'm just going to say racist jokes like Ari shafir he doesn't just do racist jokes that's not even true oh another boing Sean give us a redeeming quality about you what's going to make the room like you right now um I like rock climbing um oh Jesus not bad uh about 2 years ago I started going back to church you go to church every Sunday uh I kind of stopped when I got a girlfriend okay yeah that makes sense yeah God gave you a girlfriend and you stopped going to church no she wasn't from the church actually she wasn't from the church right but I mainly started going to church because like I was out on Sixth Street after getting broken up with and my buddy was like Sean you don't want to meet a girl out here come to church with me and so I started going to church for two years wow [Applause] mhm okay Sean Sean what are you afraid of um blacks okay there he goes there he goes Sean Stewart we're going to keep it moving we're going to fly through a lot of people here [Applause] tonight oh what the [ __ ] is going on back there [Applause] okay okay how about a hand for John de [Applause] [Music] [Applause] everybody okay we're going to get back to this this bucket pole [ __ ] in a second these guys have been unbelievably bad today yeah it is incredible uh this next comedian is neither a regular nor a golden ticket winner he is uh either despised or loved by the kill Tony fan base I like to give him a spot every once in a great while because he's so uh funny offstage and lately slowly we have been watching him transition into being able to be funnier on stage I present to you ladies and gentlemen a brand new minute from the one and only Uncle [Music] [Music] laser are we sure uh almond milk ain't making everybody trans right well we used to have a hole in 2% everybody had strong bones and we had regular gaze and boy they're getting hard to spot aren't they I'm messing back and forth this girl from Miami right what I thought was a girl you know she I do the only F see some my content now I said oh come on right she didn't s to me the next morning she s me Tex saying oh [ __ ] I did not send that to Uncle leer I sent that to my Uncle Mike I said Thanksgiving is going to be weird now she then uh she goes I was like but you know like your parents know you do the only fan so she should be all right she goes yeah but they don't know how transition and I said what do you mean like anal to vaginally like what are you talking about she said oh you didn't read my bi I said [ __ ] I don't [ __ ] read but we'll sing Uncle laser with a new minute few jokes peppered in there I almost don't recognize the show with jokes this has been such a crazy night a lot of [ __ ] bombadiers up here I like if I can't follow that I need to just go [ __ ] sit on it you know what I'm saying like if I can't beat that I just need to kill myself sit out in traffic right absolutely what is that thing you keep doing with your tongue what's going on there you become more lizard like every time you come on the show well I seen AR's nuts up there and tell me tell you what uhoh look at that it's a real Sour crowd of a situation for a Jewish man down there you know what I'm talking about uhoh he keeps that [ __ ] thing on him oh my God Uncle lizard is here oh Jesus Christ oh my oh oh my God oh my God absolutely incredible has a doctor ever told you what's going on with that testicle it's got Skittles in it look at it it's got Skittles in it that ball is shaped like the heavyweight champion of the world it's got shelves there's veins oh my God don't pull on him like that why are you so rough with it oh my God the most soldout show in comedy and this is what goes on at it we'll be right back D madis just said he's glad he's blind yeah like big time right now de madness has no idea what's going on right now whatsoever have you right now but he knows that something is not right he can suspect I do believe there's a smell or something that perhaps he picks up on a certain energy the balls are in your leg watch out okay red ban Red Band very good red ban no one drops the balls like red band um so Uncle laser here we are good almond milk joke though that was great thanks thank you y than yeah you're doing it dude it's very impressive you're out on the road doing a lot of shows and uh coming up with new material and it's fun to have you come on and uh show everybody what's up you are a you know a lot of people early on they're like oh that's Tony's buddy what's going on he just seems like a character this and that and you're kind of fulfilling this prophecy that I wanted people to see of what happens when somebody with a good stage presence and a good performer energy gets better at writing and Performing standup comedy and you're a prime example of that uh cuz those those early minutes early on I mean holy [ __ ] holy [ __ ] and you didn't use your drug use as an excuse like some people did here tonight uh you know you were just doing drugs and bombing but you didn't have excuses you worked at it and here you are a good new minute Rock [ __ ] solid how about a hand for Uncle laser everybody thank you [Applause] [Music] guys Uncle laser Balls to the walls all right pulled another name out of the bucket Make some noise for your next comedian it's been a rough bucket night but according to you guys you guys like to watch people struggle up here Make some noise for Dustin Horton everyone here he is I'm a firm believer that the pain that we go through in life and the trauma that we endure ultimately defines us as people that being said I've been to State Prison I've lost a father to Suicide I've overcome drug addiction I've also had a cucumber up my ass I'll let you all decide which was the most traumatic to me so no I didn't know to didn't need to go to prison to get raped no I uh just need a little bit of Molly a decent Buzz a dominating girlfriend and uh clearly I'm a willing participant but the pain that my ass will end endure during that experience it was nothing compared to the look on the neighbors kids' faces when they came out to go to school that morning and they see me getting pegged with produce in the hot tub that's going to stick with both of us for Life [Music] promise anyways Jesus [ __ ] Christ man what the [ __ ] is going on tonight this is incredible are you are you crying what's going on talking to the microphone how long have you been trying standup comedy this is my fifth set your fifth set were the other ones in front of human beings or are you a car guy the last one was actually at the mothership about an hour ago okay you got on the open mic here yeah random randomly selected and how did that go it went well actually really [ __ ] way really what did you do there what did you talk about was it that minute it was that mixed with another minute about a broken leg and uh [ __ ] was the other minute the part that was funny did you do the unfunny minute here or was that the funniest minute out of the three minutes that you did in the other room were you getting both these together for your big road to I think I just tried to combine them and uh do the best I could with uh the experience I've how old are you I'm 37 and you're just starting stand up now what made you want to start this now this cocktail trauma that I've tell us about the trauma tell us tell us we want to [ __ ] hear it I want to hear about your dad you want to hear about my dad uh three years ago he blew his brains out high on crystal meth okay um did he leave a note he did not leave a note now he did not leave a note and and the autopsy said he was on crystal meth or you just guessing we were told by neighbors you were told by neighbors that he was on crystal me I didn't live anywhere near him I was did you communicate with him at all before his death not not as much as I should have now you feel a little bit of regret yeah definitely we have good news for you here on the line um we can communicate directly with people that are in hell and here we go hold on a second let it ring again okay here we are we're through we've gotten through on the hell line uh speak to your father speak to him hey Dad how's it going that that's what you want to ask your dead father who's in Hell how's it going [ __ ] are you thinking what the [ __ ] were you thinking okay let's see if he has an answer for that um let's see what we got got here uh hold on a second yes oh wait Satan trying to interrupt hold on a second okay well it's not working the communication isn't working with your father it never did I think he killed himself again there you go okay tell us about real trauma your dad that you didn't even talk to blowing his brains out that could be your fault by the way for not reaching out yeah um where's the rest of that M you kind of cause that yourself um it wasn't the crystal meth it was your lack of communication um what did you go to state prison for yeah that's good one oo so me and a group of friends actually stole lot really enunciate into that microphone me and a group of friends actually stole Lobster and beer from a restaurant near my house Lobster Ander no that's not State Prison you're not black that's not dead serious I'm dead serious I got 2 to six years with a uh boot camp for lobster and beer how much [ __ ] Lobster beer did you steal we robbed a restaurant across from my house it was during a night time when there was nobody there I got charged with a Class D Felony in the state of New York and I did a 2 to six year sentence with a you did a what 2 to six year sentence with how long did you serve I went into this like boot camp program so I got sent to this prison boot camp basically for 9 months for lobster and beer what did your friends get uh this well most of them got 6 months 5 years probation cuz they I don't believe this story I don't believe it it seems like there's something more to it Lobster and beer he stole a lot of lobster and beer is what he's saying how much Lobster did you steal and how did how were they able to find they caught us because the restaurant case we did rape a waitress while we were there as well oh I should have mentioned the the the rape yeah yeah now that I think about it that might have been Associated restaurant here is okay how did they find you they the the cartons of [ __ ] butter back to his house how did they find you the cartons of restaurant beer boxes that were outside of our garbage like it was a party scene for a week after that just oh my God drinking restaurant beer the cops were able to track it down a block away from my house oh you're so stupid I was 19 unbelievable how old are you now 37 37 my how the time flies um okay tell us more about this trauma supposedly what do you do for work uh currently bartend okay tell us more about why you think you ended up this way cuz you look like you look like you could be the CEO of a company and you're just [ __ ] kind of like having a day off you're having a good old time but on the inside there's none of that going on no there's a lot of [ __ ] lot of [ __ ] going on it's like when somebody puts like one of those Mercedes bodies over an Elantra or something like that yeah you're also you're you're a homosexual correct I am not no no you sure how about in boot camp did you come out of your shell no sir no cracking any claws out there no I'm very straight how straight are you explain to us the straightest thing you've ever done before not that easy of a question for a gay man is it I've just never even thought about that question the it's time to start thinking about it buddy yep Now's the Time I only say it because you're definitely a homosexual yeah yeah one second you're shoving Lobster up your ass and the next you're trying to figure out what's straight about you your father actually you know knew you were a homosexual that's probably why that's how he started the meth addiction kept it a secret just like you kept your sexuality a secret and he also uh blew and gave head like you do right at the very end he gave head to the wall that was behind him Jesus Christ oh too sad a a what [ __ ] show do you think you came to he's having fun he's smiling by the way you know these [ __ ] people oh you went too hard on them you're having a good time right now right I'm so happy to be here of the best times of your life right now okay straightest thing you've ever done [ __ ] three girls in one day wa [ __ ] three girls in one day that's separate in high school yeah wow look at that my goodness your dad would have been proud if it's a real Liberace move if you ask me yeah yeah what a [ __ ] okay you have any special skills or talents other than standup comedy which you don't have that that either but go ahead um I'm a picture framer um you've put the frames on pictures I oh the crowd is turning on you they do not they do not like picture frames well I've spoken all right here's a little joke book my friend congratulations uh our next bucket pull is from the inside I'm going to say now to give him some time Make some noise for Colin herler hler hler call in with a k k o l l i n oh here he is right here okay easy breey this is one of your people so they're representing you tonight's audience Colin herler huler or something here he is makes noise for calling everybody hi there I uh want to let you know I just ended my weight loss Journey uh turns out out I know I look like Osama Ben Eaton but uh turns out I'm going to be ugly either way I'm skinny or fat so may as well enjoy it little bit about my family uh my little brother is a uh corrections officer just got accepted into the police academy and we're having dinner the other night and he's telling me about it and so proud of him he's doing it he's living his dream but in my other hand is the money I'm using to buy the drugs he steals off inmates so my uh sister is a alcoholic postal worker with access to Firearms there's no punchline it's our fam's cry for help her story is not over but it guaranteed end in tragedy that's all I got okay bad Colin hler pretty bad about a minute pretty bad how long you been doing standup uh first time in about a year first time in about a year how long were you doing it uh that year that you stopped doing it um two years two and a half okay so you did about two and a half years of standup comedy took a year off and now you're back what made you realize you should quit uh work picked up what was the work uh I test safety equipment for electrical companies okay you ever get shocked uh a little bit yeah every once in a while all right what's the you almost ever die no no most interesting thing about you I'm getting the feeling that I'm about to start moving really fast through bucket pools we might go turbo mode here because turbo mode it's yeah I think so it's not so much they bad that they're uninteresting on top of it totally totally and and this is we've had this happen before and sometimes I just get in a mood and I get frustrated with everybody kind of just oh I don't I don't do it oh I did it five times oh I only do it in my car oh I [ __ ] uh and youve you've been here tonight you've been on the inside of this room what did you think of all the bucket pools tonight uh yeah they were pretty bad yeah think was you think the other guy was gay oh yeah for sure 100% complete homosexual yeah right yeah um most interesting thing about your entire life uh I'm a licensed gunsmith and an ordained minister I do a lot of wow that's a good one two combo yeah welcome to Texas where you live no I'm actually from St Louis Missouri okay St Louis Missouri you're straight yeah have a little twang in your voice I'm from St Louis oh no you hear that well I mean straightest thing about you uh I did have a threesome with two actual human females in Mexico wow look at that two human females good answer quick and a quick one too very quick answer not pondering up here like [ __ ] Dustin straight what is straight yeah I'm from St Louis Missouri and I have sex with a threesome in Santa Anita Mexico she was so sweet you know you have gay s's I have gay s you're a very straight man but you have gay s's okay gay SES at least I'm learning myself what's so gay about my ass I don't have gay asss what kind of disease is that you got gay ass I got a gay ass if anything I came down with a case of gay asses who you here with from St Louis uh my friends over there he's trying to makeig his strong ass now my friends my friends you mean your friends my friend there you go there you go all right okay well Colin congratulations uh that was an all right attempt at a minute I have run out of small joke books um and that is as good as you would possibly get uh maybe perhaps bonai has another one or something like that we're going to fly through it I have another one we got we got both of those people we got both of those people ready to go back here okay we're going to fly through it you guys want to [ __ ] go turbo round it's been a long time okay going up first 60 seconds and then perhaps the fastest interview ever for dubs General en everybody 60 seconds from dubs General we're going to fly through till somebody kills here's dubs [Music] General I like dark areolas I don't like clear nipples the reason I don't like clear nipples I can see a heartbeat [ __ ] don't want to see your heartbeat while I'm [ __ ] you understand uh any Florida people in here makes the norise from Florida he said [ __ ] Florida [ __ ] your mama all right listen Florida going to Georgia is a huge Confederate flag I don't lie to my children I'm in the car my daughter says daddy what's that I said they found a way to say [ __ ] without saying [ __ ] my son 9 years old goes what does that mean I said shh listen Niger white people's okay to L we'll move on um there you go I'm going to stop you right there dubs you got caught up in a turbo round tonight you were randomly got selected during a turbo round most interesting thing about you before I let you go most interesting thing about me is that um I'm a single dad and I take care of my kids boring um wow it's amazing you know the you know stereotypes are real when when it's like that's a shocking thing uh I take care of my kids all right I figured that would be like that well we're going to fly through more Buck are anything for uh [ __ ] whyu G over here you oh nice you a Giants fan I am a Giants fan unfortunately nice yeah they're not that great this year I'm a giant fan of good comedy and uh we haven't seen any tonight it's one of those nights y God damn how long you been comedy doing 5 years okay 5 years in Florida not all of Florida no Tampa Tampa where I opened for you not two two years ago what do you mean you opened for me so last time I was on the show you said do you want to open for me in Tampa and I had you open for me absolutely where was that at a comedy club yes sir at the just one show two shows okay two shows in one night how did that go went well the first one went really well the second one not so much not so much and that's all it takes yeah well it was 18yar olds it was a difference in the crowd no drinking Tony 18y olds yeah the second show was 18 and up the first show was 21 I don't know how that works this is crazy this was two years ago yes man I have no memory whatsoever when you were in Tampa you were like this is the horrible room because the ceilings were so high it was like a theater was it the was it the Improv yes it was The Improv I remember that Steve Simone was on those shows am I correct okay I do remember that yeah you didn't do good I I I remember now and I did I did you had a good you had a good minute the first time you were on you said you were from Tampa I was going to Tampa I had you do it and ever since then I've barely let you actually ruined that for a lot of people I've barely let anyone open for me from the show since then yeah you can't judge a person just off of a minute wow what's your name does General Do's General ruined it for everyone for the worst Tampa jokes in town call 1800 100 dubs General now uh there he goes we're doing a turbo round there goes dubs General everybody next one's from the inside Sergio Guzman you're next we're going to keep going until somebody [ __ ] kills how does that sound well we might be here all night is that okay it might be the longest episode ever is that all right here we go he's from the inside he's one of you Sergio Guzman what's going on that's me that's me that's not your name he is right I am not him that's true wait what do we go out of order I was backstage waiting we did pre-o two names we did so you're Zach butkovich yes sir yeah okay well we have to make sure that the person that comes out is the name that I call should fight for Sergio you're next Sergio you're next this guy's acting like [ __ ] Sergio Guzman he's a [ __ ] fraud I pulled two names at Round I pulled two names at once cuz we're going turbo you look like no Sergio Guzman I know I agree that is weird that you didn't acknowledge that you weren't Sergio there's a guy in the room yelling wait that's me hey no you ain't him that's me I like got that guy first of all there's a lot of Sergio Guzman I like how that guy had to wait till he saw who it was he's like that's not me I'm me wait a second it and now I see that's not me that's not me ladies and gentlemen 6 uninterrupted Sergio you're next this is Zack butkovich everybody Zack butovich sweet what's up I just went on a date with a girl recently and she asked me when the last time I got tested for STDs was I was like are you serious never yeah I treat STDs like I treat poison ivy if I ain't itch and I ain't [ __ ] got it and either way I should probably quit [ __ ] in those bushes [Music] yeah I've been I haven't been in like a uh in like a relationship in a couple of years and my buddy told me he was like yeah dude that's cuz you're gay he said yeah dude you're single cuz you're gay and just to prove to him I wasn't gay I sent him a video of me jerking off to a [Music] woman yeah I was like who's [ __ ] gay now dude I'm [ __ ] jerking off to a woman you're watching me jerk off what could be gayer than [Music] that all right I think that's it that's good 55 seconds that was good that was good Zach Sergio Serio Sergio Sergio okay Serio's next uh Zach that was good that was actually de thank you uh how long you been doing standup uh 3 years in October it was where at I started in St Louis and where do you live now here in Austin how long ago did you move here I moved here in April April what do you do for a living I work at Home Depot I stock and Order their wood molder just like a Sergio Guzman wood right actually met Sergio at Home Depot that's crazy yeah there's a few of them there okay so you're working at Home Depot that's fun uh tell us more about your life tell us uh how do you end up like this well well I'm diabetic uh wow you're diabetic yes I am diabetic all the people that have been on this stage tonight I'm the diabetic guy it wasn't heavyweight champion or whatever the [ __ ] there is no God yeah it makes zero sense you're diabetic all the obese people are not diabetic Red Band not diabetic is he sips a Coke yeah how's that soda taste Red Man it he loves it he loves it he's he's doing great so how long have you been diabetic for how did you end up like like that oh I got diabetes it's been uh 12 years now I got it when I was 15 and a half the kid kind yeah I got the kid kind and now I'm an adult with it so still have it wow wow incredible so you can't you how how often you have to check your blood I check my blood sugar probably like five six times a day wow that is amazing that is unbelievable and what's the worst thing that happens to you what happens what happens if you ate a slice of bread and had a can chugged a can of Coke I would have to uh take my syringe and my vial of insulin out and take a shot for it do it wow do it right now it's in the bin backstage I should have kept get a syringe right now let's try it without let's try just do the shot can we take the syringe injected into AR's left nut and pull on it and see can we Ari would you be willing to do that oh absolutely someone get my syringe someone get my syringe oh man you're insulin I'm in buying all right that's stupid anyway oh my god wow so other than being diabetic what else about you Zack butkovich uh you were bullied in high school no I I was like kind of good at sports oh cool I might not have been good at sports I was on the team so everyone kind of liked me uhhuh so yeah I didn't get bullied up I don't know I tried to tell you guys that was was on here last time and hoe Mandel was up here I tried to say I was I got voted onto my high school school board when I was like 20 years old frh shot of high school you guys hate that that's terrible uh then you brought it up again and I brought it up again wow you thought Mandel was the problem with that story yeah now I'm figuring out it wasn't it might have been me I say try a third time next time you're up here yeah yeah they'll remember now they'll remember now I say try it a third time no no I'm not going to do it it's the Mandela effect okay Zach um anything else interesting about you before I let you go you are in Turbo round right now I'm in the turbo round uh I'm diabetic uh okay there he goes Zach bukovich everybody you get a medium joke book congratulations Zack bukovich ladies and gentlemen representing the inside it's the man you've been waiting for 4 minutes I present to you the undoubtable Kil Tony debut of Sergio Guzman oh [ __ ] I originally came out here and with my balls out but they're not as impressive as AR so I decided to put them back away any Joe Biden fans in the house thank God I see one guy with his hands up that's a pedophile all right um let me see here let me pull up my kill Tony uh jokebook let me use it for what it's uh used for all right kids these days have it tough man it's such a confusing time to be a kid think about it your mom might be walking around with a huge [ __ ] your dad might be walking around with a nice set of tits and your middle school libraries are trying to teach you how to suck and [ __ ] both all right that was not the one all right illegal immigration has gotten completely out of control something needs to be done we need to start sending people back my beautiful wife sitting somewhere over there she's pregnant with our firstborn she came here illegally send her back we'll end it there that might be the best I got I think it probably was the best you got let me ask you something have you did you buy that large joke book I didn't so last I was on about a year ago I bombed and then my wife came up and I was roasted for about 15 minutes about being gay uhhuh and then she earned us both a jokebook cuz you called her up she roasted me did amazing so she got the joke book she got the joke no we both got one cuz you were generous but she earned it I I was just a lucky bystander is she here tonight she is absolutely here tonight really she is right over there well we haven't had a female comedian up tonight did she write a minute she has a minute she signed up she signed up hold on a second B hold on what's her name Patricia Guzman ladies and gentlemen no doubt about it you're I've been digging for a female comedian we went through 50 names it's all dudes I present to you the return supposedly she's pregnant I have no memory whatsoever she's about to bom for too now she's pregnant yes oh yeah you guys are Latino here we go a new minute from Patricia Guzman [Applause] everybody that solves a lot of problems right there oh my God make some noise for Patricia Everybody um thank you I guess for letting me up here uh last time I was on this show I made a bunch of jokes about my husband being gay jokes on me here I am a year later knocked up with his gay baby what a life I love my gab B not this page okay uh immigrants these days have it way easier than I did when coming to the US nowadays they're handed a cell phone 1,000 bucks and told to [ __ ] off back in my day they threw my 4-year-old ass in jail before jail I had never seen a black woman before so being a 4-year-old I thought they were made out of chocolate um my face would light up in the shower and I would scream at my mom Mom it's chocolate women long story short uh my mom would be terrified every time we would hit the showers because I wanted to lick them that's it okay Patricia adorable an honest minute I like that again funnier than your man wow so much funnier how does it feel being uh the funny person in your relationship oh my God I'm so nervous being up here how does it feel to a masculate a homosexual um I it feels horrible I I'm sorry my goodness how long have you been with Sergio uh 12 years this year 12 years what's the gayest thing about Sergio you know him very well I don't know he doesn't like playing video games with me so I make fun of him for that it's raining okay all right he doesn't like playing video games with you what else is gay about Sergio Patricia come on give us something good here he likes to be a little spoon oh ser I I like being the big spoon I don't mind right absolutely absolutely that's a really good gay thing yeah yeah good detail you like being the little SP too yeah yeah I have a little Asian girl on your back like you're like Star Wars you know like with the Ewok and [ __ ] yeah it's great totally totally how long until the baby comes out Patricia uh I'm due July 1st ju July 1 and you're sure it's Sergio or is it could could it be Zack butkovich that got in there first I hope not I hope it's not hey that's not my baby heyy get that baby out of here get that baby out of here it's on M I'm Sergio Guzman my goodness so what do you guys do for work how do you how are you going to support this little [ __ ] immigrant I I'm a personal trainer you're what I'm a personal trainer oh [ __ ] okay what does he do he's an account manager oh an account manager where at Enterprise RH a car I didn't know Mex going to be account managers I didn't know fat chick's going to be personal Traders yeah it's true uh i' I'd rather not say some of my uh some of my co-workers are friends of the show so i' I've already considered myself fired okay very good Sergio very good I know a guy that works at Home Depot that can help you out um uh amazing stuff uh do you have any special moves in the bedroom how did you get her so Pregnant um you know the real trick is you bend them over from the front side and you start eating their ass first right and then you work your way down the front side so missionary position feet over the head yes and then you eat her ass and then you work your way up Latina salad if you will the old [ __ ] papaya salad exactly last time you were on you said we we owned a Mexican food truck you owned a you own a Mexican food truck last time we were on you called us uh two Mexicans that own a food truck so that was accurate that was accurate okay do you ever do it you ever do it straight doggy style I I mean obviously that's that's standard it's a mexic yeah yeah okay so is this your first kid yes what are you going to name it oh yeah oion shut the [ __ ] up oion what the [ __ ] is wrong with you my best the name oion your best friend picked the name your best friend is [ __ ] with you oion that's like a prescription medicine or something like that yeah yeah red Ben very good red Ben book ending the episode with two great jokes the two biggest Applause breaks of the night going to Red Band for those of you that had that on your bingo cards you win $2.5 billion um and if you bet one you win 2.5 billion on a red band getting the two biggest Applause breaks of the episode absolutely unprecedented incredible this is a new era of the show uh it's un what does that mean why would you just said okay best friend I'm [ __ ] [ __ ] whatever you say best friend this is best friend the the financier of this baby or something it's been his best friend it's been my husband's best friend for like ever so and he said oion oion it's a black gu name it's yeah it's a black guy's name it's a strong name hey olar on the line B on he's going he's going to grow up to one day being in a sex tape with a Kardashian yeah oh my God what's the middle name going to be uh rafhael Rael Guzman wow Guzman oh oh my God unbelievable enough of these [ __ ] Mexican babies am I right I'm kidding shut up o l e my goodness gracious so July 1st that thing's coming huh Sergio are you just blasting away inside of her until then is it just look like a [ __ ] horada machine down there what's going on what are you doing what's going on it's just [ __ ] that's exactly right we're on vacation tonight so she's getting some horchata if you know what I mean oh [ __ ] hell yeah are you horny or now that you're pregnant wow oh F even when you look at his face I mean Ari primed her with a hell of a set of balls so he did have to work for me oh my goodness that's incredible how much hornier are you is there new things that you're into or uh you find yourself uh doing uh I don't I don't think so new things that I'm into I don't know I like I like getting lotion rubbed on my belly oh he's been rubbing lotion on you oh my goodness gracious look at Sergio over here managing accounts and lotioning up [ __ ] bodies wow incredible you ever save a little lotion for yourself Sergio only when she's asleep only when she's asleep wow okay and then you think about dudes are [Applause] you hell yeah okay uh my goodness what else can we do to put a ribbon on this how about we change can we change the baby's name to Tony live on the air can we just do that yeah terrible oion sucks you're dooming that kid you're do first of all he'll definitely go by raing that's a beautiful black ass name yeah but it's not black John we love that you're standing name of a beautiful black man black panther John de up here like oh I think it's a beautiful name hey it's a beautiful name oh [ __ ] yeah Tony Tony's a way better name yeah Anthony jaier uh oion Guzman how about that it's absolutely beautiful will you change it to Anthony we could work on it no working on it doesn't work you're blacklisted if you don't Brown listed if you don't do it wow I'm throwing it around [Applause] now okay John it's really not going to work it's not going to be a full-time thing here Antonio I like that I like I why not give it a name Tony I like Antonio Antonio Guzman rapael Guzman Antonio Raphael Guzman I like that I like that let's make it official let's make it official wait wait wait wait wait let's make it official yeah here we go yeah oh my baby's first teabagging Sergio doesn't know what to do he's hard as a rock right now I dub thee Antonio holy [ __ ] I love it congratulations I think that guarantees I'll have a [Music] Gabby I love it baby's first teabagging only here on Kil Tony how about one more hand for Patricia and Sergio Guzman everybody we did it you made it through the turbo round this one was a noo right we're done right guys there's only one way to [ __ ] end an episode like this there's no doubt about it finally we've made it to the end we're going to call Sergio and Patricia aill so that we could put a ribbon on this [ __ ] thing do you guys have fun [Music] tonight well you're a great crowd and for that you shall be rewarded I present to you the alltime record holder for minutes for interviews for everything that's ever been done before ladies and gentlemen I present to you the St Louis assassin the Tijana tornado the Mississippi merer the uh gentrifi Jeweler the uh vanilla gorilla the Memphis Strangler The Big Red Machine this is indeed the one and only William Montgomery [Music] hello my name is actually Sergio Guzman and I don't know who that [ __ ] was but I'm not gay [Music] so uh a lady who cut off her bosoms to become a man just found out she's 5 months pregnant it's kind of hard to follow but I think that means he's gay Kentucky is about to legalize killing homeless people which is kind of shocking because I thought it was already legal there I know I've killed six homeless people in Kentucky so how could I be RAC will my favorite Power Ranger is black Kentucky is thinking about legalizing sex between first cousins they are also thinking about legalizing breathing okay cuz I already have sex with first cousins okay that's my time thank you William Lights Out Montgomery the gentrified jewel the uh the the petty princess the petty princess like that a lot of new Kentucky law jokes tonight where is this coming from where well it's from I actually got horribly food poisoned Tony on Saturday night my father told me not to say the name of the place or they will sue me but I know 100% without a doubt it's from these pieces of shed I'm going to say the name wrong but it sounds something like meatball marinara and it's not far from here it sounds like like meatball Mariner and Tony I wake up on Sunday to a bunch of diarrhea in my boxers Erica starts freaking out I start going to the bathroom I get take my boxers off to smell the diarrhea cuz it smells extra nasty and I just I wanted to smell it and then it starts dropping out of my boxers all onto the floor I get in the shower I almost blackout cuz I have no energy I end up vomiting several times in the trash can Tony was horrible and basically I found out those people who run the [ __ ] place are from Kentucky so this is a wow what did you order from meatball Mariner that made you this I had the meatballs in marinara honestly that is what I had and you would think if it's the [ __ ] namesake it would be safe to eat but I had the meatballs of marinara and I also had the cheesy bread and Tony I'll be the first to tell you the food was amazing it made me so sad the next day wow when I find out it's from meatball marinara it was really delicious food damn it that is incredible I I have a NeverEnding love for meatballs and this is very very scary um did they look anything like uh these meatballs right here can I see them oh they're out right there um gosh Ari how are your balls so big are your balls big or are my balls small I'm just trying to cuz my balls look nothing like your balls are his big Tony do you think are not only are they big and I mean I have big balls as well not to brag but my balls are not full like that they are they are normal older looking more deflated balls these look like the balls of what appear to be like a a a superhuman 17-year-old boy or something like that like wet sock and a bunch of Skittles that's what they look like it is absolutely incredible a lot of a lot of blurring on this episode on YouTube Sorry to those of you that are watching at home that don't get to actually enjoy the voluptuous uh nuggets these are these are the true bues Beaver nuts here um these things are incredible it's amazing how big your balls can be when you keep uh all of all of the coins you've ever gathered off the floor in your life and of them they point they point to they point to arrows they're so big and crazy that every time you reveal them it's like a new set of balls they're unbel it looks like the heavyweight Champion's stomach it does those things [ __ ] hang I mean oh my God what' you do they're getting bigger by the second oh my God absolutely unbelievable I swear I threw up for the first time in years yesterday was horrible and I don't want to do you want a little you you want a little marinara on top of those William what is this place I want to eat there I want to eat at this place it's really close by what's it called I'm going to call it meatball Mariner cuz my father says they might sue me they're sue you your dad's a being a weirdo it sounds similar first of all that was the wetest whisker I've ever had in my life that was even for me that was disgusting the old William wet Whispers www.www.com www.wet whiskers. comom William wet Whispers William wet Whispers W Whispers William how can they sue you for giving you diarrhea yeah exactly your dad's incorrect about this your dad a [ __ ] idiot dude we bring my dad into this he has [ __ ] arthritis in his foot we thought we were really worried about him last week don't Ari please don't bring up Larry right now he's been nothing but sweet to you he said nothing but sweet things to your [ __ ] ass why are you doing this and I swear to God I don't really feel good right now it's a damn good thing I felt better than yesterday because Ari I thought it was the end of my [ __ ] life when I was in the shower and I I didn't tell my girlfriend this but oh my gosh I shouldn't say this right now but I actually I was having such a hard time moving around I swear I was about to black out that I diarrhea in the shower wow cuz I could feel it happening again I shouldn't have even brought that up I'm going to have held hey I maybe this is wrong maybe this is a Jew and me but I just thought of a great money-making scheme for him for the road I need to find one what what you need to sell diarrhea yeah it's oh yeah great idea people are going to buy diarrhea holy [ __ ] stick with the jokes Ari oh my God yeah let me diarrhea and [ __ ] containers and sell them to people I'm not even going to be able to get that [ __ ] on the airplane dude as long as it's less than 2 O you technically can get it on the airplane you got to do it there don't diarrhea here and take it with you why would you diarrhea ahead of time I don't know have you thought about uh partnering up with meatball marinara perhaps uh a little sponsorship in order for them to make up for the uh traa could be I just eat there that food that tasted pretty good but obviously is poisonous and yeah just say hey I'm going out on the road this coming weekend let me eat your [ __ ] nasty [ __ ] what's the actual name of the place we'll beep it out these people the live audience Des get [ __ ] sued yeah now you're messing with me no it's you'll be shocked it's really similar to meatball Mira it's [Music] so just say it say it say it you [ __ ] weirdo you have the free really yeah yeah Jesus yeah that out should have said it dude that was [ __ ] people work hard it's small family-owned business just cuz you have a terrible Constitution you got to [ __ ] ruin a mom and pop yeah they got me sick as [ __ ] so wow incredible my birthday yeah [ __ ] started my birthday I did two sets up here in the little room on Thursday night I get back to my [ __ ] car and have a boot on it so welcome to Williams 37th birthday it was such a [ __ ] yeah tell me about it it was a [ __ ] sob story the whole [ __ ] weekend it starts $130 boot on the [ __ ] car I forget my jacket I'm freezing gold outside by the [ __ ] car some you're the one that wanted to spend your birthday in Austin you didn't want to go to Seattle Portland and Vancouver with me you wanted to [ __ ] take it off oh I want to chill Tony oh yeah I wanted to chill and then I get sick as [ __ ] Tony yeah that's what happens when you [ __ ] don't work with me do you agree Red Band no improv Guru Brian Redban hard at work here an unbelievable comedy uh technician said you said no to going on the rad with Tony yeah took a weekend I chill yes I chilled this he's like I want to spend it with my girlfriend I don't want to be on the road okay you stupid [ __ ] there's one stupid [ __ ] that was saying something about poor baby what do you even look like you nasty [ __ ] I just want to see what some stupid dumbass looks like who's making that [ __ ] noise oh yeah exactly what I thought God look at your nasty [ __ ] ass [ __ ] oh [ __ ] he is being ruthless right now what does go back to the H house oh don't don't kick her out now it's over you don't have to kick her out this oh yeah no it's fine she a stupid [ __ ] kick her out oh AR says kick her out kick her out get her out of here oh There She Goes The Crowd Goes Wild it's my [ __ ] birthday [ __ ] I'm only 37 what off I going to be 38 next year and maybe 39 after that but I'm probably not making it t hard oh what happened I don't know Michael was supposed to do the thing that he always does but he's like waiting for something what what what just went on there Michael what happened that was a lot going on a lot you guys talking in your in ears or something oh Jesus Christ those [ __ ] in ears yeah I mean that was about to be the big syn off for me tonight yeah it really it literally was we were about to put a ribbon on the episode you guys are over here producing a new song oh [ __ ] oh [Applause] [ __ ] got a sweet little dog yesterday been a long time folks I got a sweet little dog she's here tonight oh [ __ ] and doing well she can hear yall come on yesterday Hy ho Mak a noise for William Montgomery everybody there we go we did it again we love him follow him do it again a badass drawing from Ryan J E Bel of the great Ari shafir is popping on your screen right now the balls are going away mix some for Ari Ari anything you want to plug or promote man it's just an honor to be part of this amazing show with so many [ __ ] retards living on the outside absolutely every time I've done it from the belly room to the main room to the Vulcan to here to the other place that kicked you out to the [ __ ] Madison Square Garden what a journey it's been and it's because of legit [ __ ] comedians like you playing along all the way we love them Ari shaffir everybody come on Jo Blaster red rose yellow cm.com Connect Mobile let see the drawing from Chris Rogers ooh a joker version of the great cam Patterson I love that how about one more time for the best Dam band in the land Michael Gonzalez on the drums D Madness on the base John D's on the keys and Matt muing Epsilon out now 020 john. bandcamp.com Redban if you guys haven't seen Arisha feier special the Jew on YouTube please check it out I love it out you you you haven't truly one of the best comedians in the world Ari shabir one more time barari we love you guys thank you good night everybody got Big B got Big [Music] B here we go put on you got he got she got got of all I got this B he got Big Balls I've Got Big Balls She's Got Big Balls I've Got Big Balls got big ball we got the bigest [Music] [Applause] them [Music] [Music] [Music] oh [Applause] got He's i' Got Big Balls He's Got Big Balls I've Got Big Balls He's Got Big Balls we' got the biggest balls of them the Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin Texas is now open check out Red Band Secret show every Thursday go to sunsetstrip atx.com for [Music] tickets [Music] n

Channel: Kill Tony

Views: 1,563,585

Keywords: Kill, Tony, podcast, Comedy, Store, Belly, Room, Hollywood, stand, up, comedian, comedy, jokes, panel, one, minute, cat, angry, west, bear, Hinchcliffe, Brian, Redban

Id: 2_GQyjiTWiU

Length: 125min 5sec (7505 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 20 2024