KT #615 - THEO VON

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witness history at some point [Music] [Music] [Music] thank you foreign [Music] [Music] [Applause] coming to you live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin Texas for a brand new episode of kill Tony give it up for Tony it's clear [Applause] thank you are you guys ready for the best [ __ ] night of your lives tonight or what sometimes for Red Band everybody hey everybody you're at gilsoni the number one live podcast in the world brought to you by the red rose the Yellow Rose gel Blaster Austin security guard service and screwball peanut butter whiskey which proudly presents the kill Tony band that you just witnessed ladies and gentlemen here in the live music capital of the world that's the great Paul Deemer on the the horns John D's on the keys Matt muelling on the electric guitar and this is the one and only D [ __ ] Madness right over my right shoulder here this is it we're gonna have a lot of fun tonight before we start here's a little bit more from The Amazing sponsors the made tonight's episode available for you right now hey y'all it's official it's announced it's out there my largest stand-up tour of my entire life all the biggest theaters in all my favorite cities Toronto Canada Royal Oak Michigan San Antonio Texas Chicago Illinois Charlotte North Carolina Atlanta Georgia Columbus Ohio Kansas City Missouri Indianapolis Indiana Philadelphia Pennsylvania Tysons Virginia just outside of D.C Milwaukee Wisconsin Minneapolis Minnesota Youngstown Ohio Cincinnati Ohio San Francisco California Sacramento California San Diego California Phoenix Arizona New York New York Clear Water Florida and Jacksonville Florida tickets available at Tony hinchcliff.com come see the crazy Texas [ __ ] stand-up that I've been working on you're not gonna believe it let's have some fun foreign [Music] hey y'all with hellofresh you get farm fresh pre-portioned ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep skip trips to the grocery store and count on hellofresh to 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I've won everything that I've wagered on on prize picks the UFC Major League Baseball NBA somehow just by using my gut instinct and a little bit of Street smarts I have won everything so I agree with red band go to prize picks let them double your money double your deposit and win win win it is the correct thing to do download the prize picks app right now and use code Tony for 100 deposit match put in a hundred and prize picks we'll give you 100 put in 20 they give you 20. you guys ready to start tonight's show are there any fans of Comedy here tonight are there any fans of podcasts here tonight Make some noise for our guests It's the Return of one of our favorites a guy that I've been working with continuously for over a decade and a [ __ ] half we grew up together in a little incubation station called The Comedy Store my brother from another mother the best and here we go yes good evening and welcome we've done this dance a few times my friends one of our favorite guests in the show's 10-year history Theo bond in Austin doing sold out theaters filling up everywhere he goes on tour theovan.com this past weekend all of his Netflix specials but most importantly my comedy store slash straight up comedy brother the ovonne how we feel and welcome back say hi to these people they love oh yeah good evening and uh yeah thank you guys for having me in here I'm excited to be here tonight [ __ ] yeah Theo knows how it works he's done the show many times even back when it was in the belly room but now over 200 people sign up we have them all funneled actually no longer in the alleyway an update is that they're all funneled into another bar now uh right next door they've been it turns out the City of Austin didn't want 200 people in an alleyway which is crazy because there's 800 people in other Alleyways but they really for some reason focused in on us you can't even make this [ __ ] up it's unbelievable the homeless the [ __ ] everything they're like what about the creatives what about these hopeful hopeful people trying to live their dreams let's stop this anyway so they're all crammed into a bar I pre-pull a name someone Runs Out to the next bar gets a megaphone literally says their name they run out they get behind the curtain so I'm gonna pre-pool that name now because we're actually gonna start off with a golden ticket winner ladies and gentlemen fans of the show I'm going to tell you that uh you already know how it works comedians get 60 seconds you hear the sound of a kitten they do uninterrupted stand-up comedy during that time if they go over that time they get the West Hollywood bear super super gay West Hollywood bear uh Happy pride month everybody by the way um that cuts off their time and then I interview them and we all find out more about them we have a bunch of fun we try to figure out what makes them interesting what's fun about them uh so you're not gonna believe this but Hans Kim who normally starts the show passed away this week uh I'm kidding I'm kidding I don't know I don't know why I said that no he's in I'm sorry sometimes the darkness just yeah it just comes out of me no it's worse he went to South Korea everybody he's in South Korea you can't make this [ __ ] up he's in South Korea and uh he's gonna miss tonight's episode but in his place it is the young man who very well might eventually replace him full time as a regular on this show this guy was made a golden ticket winner five years ago when he was 21 years old in Houston Texas he's been crushing it ever since just started getting more and more spots here at the mothership he's a [ __ ] Phenom ladies and gentlemen Make some noise for one of the guys who I truly believe might be one of the great future comedians of our time the great Enrique Chacon 60 seconds uninterrupted foreign [Applause] yeah yeah yeah yourself [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah man I'm from El Salvador dog if you don't know where El Salvador said don't [ __ ] worry about it dude if you think it's in Mexico you got me [ __ ] up bro but yo Salvador is real famous for pupusas bro to all my confused white people at the back pupusas you're gonna love that [ __ ] it's like an organic hot pocket right and you can stuff it but whatever you want bro me cheese bro tobacco dude it don't [ __ ] matter dude it's a Pupusa at the end of the day man but but every time I tell why do the word pupusa bro they really thinking slack for [ __ ] y'all and it makes me so upset because it is kind of like a [ __ ] because like I said it's a warm pocket right and sometimes it makes us elevator and sometimes there's a little cheese y'all but that's okay oh only me she's the hard worker that's all it means look if you're offended by that joke how dare you bro most of y'all nowadays won't eat the black part of an avocado but your dad will eat some ass on first day thank you okay Enrique Chacon one of the funniest 11 year old girls in all of Comedy it is unbelievable just got my period Tony I love it I love it right out of your pupusa got a little you got a little tomato dripping out of there huh two dollars in the lobby bro it's cheap you are just such a little bundle of energy I love you every single is it pronounced oh no [Laughter] I love it and what do you eat how do you get a shape like that how do you I wanna eat a lot of ass and a lot of antibiotics bro a lot of carbohydrates oh yeah dude [ __ ] it's fighting on some nicotine pouches these white dudes without teeth know you know you eat nicotine pouches I just put them in my gums bro I've been doing that [ __ ] a lot ever since I started working at Bucky's dude [ __ ] white dudes got me into it bro they got you hooked on yeah they got me hooking I tried dip at first bro but I'm not gonna lie I started throwing up like I was deepthroating somebody dude and that [ __ ] was terrible so I tried the little nicotine pouch you just nice and smooth you don't say that keeps me up bro keeps my nipples hard dog [Music] you are a sweet sweet thing Enrique you are just absolutely adorable you have a girlfriend oh yeah bro we've been together for four years clapping up for that bro I think I'm actually thinking about marrying her in this podcast dude really yeah four years what what is she El Salvadorian oh no bro she's six foot one in mixed bro my [ __ ] wet dreams wait what she's six foot one and mixed I'm talking about I feel like a [ __ ] cook he's the norm in this [ __ ] bro I love this guy man yeah he reminds me of like a young Roseanne Barr yeah yeah God damn Roseanne Barrio [Applause] six foot two mix and when you say mixed you mean like black and white yeah black and white bro wow it's always been my thing she has like the curly hair like the early hair bro damn I know I'm living the [ __ ] dreams though oh my god oh you why do standing white women bro you want to get your [ __ ] together get a mix girl bro wow what happens how to pay your rent bro you know you learn how to send food back from a restaurant you know what I'm saying start picking up some of our attitude you better get this [ __ ] [ __ ] Ranch out of here bro bring me some blue cheese you know I mean just changes your room makes you Brave dude God I love it six foot one 69 with her and you're eating around she's sucking on your kneecap or something like that we text me that she's looking belly button bro so we're voting oh my goodness and you're actually thinking about marrying her oh yeah dude what did she do for a living she also a pharmaceutical company bro she's a bad [ __ ] she's a real ass drug dealer bro call me a good one bro oh [ __ ] she owns a pharmaceutical company is she like competing what do you mean competing like I mean is she up there is she is she moderna she's calling the [ __ ] shots bro is this on Facebook Marketplace not yet it's not CVS though whatever the [ __ ] that she has bro Dermatology [ __ ] Bro should vaginal creams and stuff bro y'all know is she making she's making good money oh yeah she's making good money dude yeah I don't know and I work out of buggy that's incredible that's incredible honestly I don't know how I pulled her bro I think that's my greatest achievement bro you gotta go bad [ __ ] like that dude she owns I can't believe a guy's shaped like you needs a sugar mama but oh I get a lot of Sugar's gonna put you in a diabetic coma dude that's what's going on working at Bucky's look at you you look more and more like the logo for Bucky's every day I appreciate it he had like a little sheep Monk the Sheep I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday [Applause] future Legend current Legend you guys got to see them live follow me at Enrique comedy love y'all Enrique Chacon everybody Enrique put that mic on the Red X for me will you okay we pre-pulled the name out of the bucket your first comedian we're gonna meet them all together now for those of you that might not know anything can [ __ ] happen this could be we discover a legend or it could be a completely insane [ __ ] person that you know we all feel might kill us at any moment but anything can happen we give everyone a fair shot here so here we go your first bucket pull of the night 60 seconds of uninterrupted stand-up comedy time goes to Kyle Roberts everyone here's Kyle Make some noise for Kyle Roberts everybody making his pill Tony debut [Applause] [Music] I'm woke I'm woke y'all I don't use any gendered language for instance I used to work at a restaurant I don't call them bus boys I call them Guatemalans the other day the other day a woman accused me of toxic masculinity I said thank you because that was the first time anyone said I was masculine a lot of gay rumors [Applause] a lot of people think I'm gay and I call those people the guys I have sex with [ __ ] yeah absolutely Kyle Roberts welcome to the show my friend very good how long you been doing stand-up uh three years three years all of it here in Austin Texas two years in Dallas I moved here last summer lovely lovely how do you survive what do you do for work I work at Chewie's Tex-Mex oh wow that's a lot of fans here hell yeah yeah that's a chain right yeah yeah I work in the one on William Cannon oh okay well if we ever wanna really useful William Cannon Drive what would the proper exit be for that uh William Cannon Drive but I mean like what freeway I don't know the names you don't know the closest freeway to where you were I can barely but thank you thank you so much these is my GPS and my DMX at the same time that's a little John that's so racist that you just said what you're so racist I've never seen anything that racist in my life these then you getting DMX and little John confused hahaha okay uh Kyle I love it what do you do for fun you seem like a guy that has some creepy Hobbies oh yeah uh I like this is I like watching like I'm obsessed with like baseball statistics and stuff so like I read the almanacs and stuff like that wow I also like golf okay all right what's your love life like are you really gay uh no okay you just yeah you just do a bunch of jokes about being gay basically yeah my brother I'm right there with you I've lived for 16 years off of this you know I have a new one I wrote a new one this week it's like my magnum opus gay joke I wrote it basically last week but do you catch yourself saying you're never gonna stop all the time never that was I would be literally I literally was about to say and I'm never gonna stop and then I switched it because I'm like these [ __ ] idiots know what I'm talking about um okay Kyle tell us something about you that would surprise us um so I actually earlier this year I got arrested I got a DWI I was totally sober though I swear to God right yeah you're just driving reading an almanac swerving all over the place yeah I've been sober six years but I got a DUI like four months explain to us how you got a DUI while being completely soaked uh well I don't want to like incriminate myself but uh come on come on you can't get in trouble here it's been over six months yeah oh yeah yeah phones are locked up it's not gonna be on the internet I mean I was doing ubereats that was my old job they I can't do it now because I got a charge but uh yeah I was like I guess I was like I you know how like flash I didn't know this I'm not a good driver I didn't know like flashing Reds you were supposed to stop so I just like plowed through it wait a second hold on hold on hold on what what did you think plastic red meant I thought I just stopped yeah slow down a little bit look around it's optional oh my goodness Kyle what do you think of flashing oranges hit the gas uh yeah I guess so I don't I thought they were basically the same thing what yeah I like yeah I'd never like really like took a driving course so like you're supposed to it's like the law and stuff yeah I went to one of those third-party things they were just like [ __ ] it you got a license wow third party you look like you wouldn't be invited to any party that's incredible that you gotta fight into three all right so Kyle you're not gay what's your love life like it's it's a little bit of a struggle right you want the dating sites a little bit actually the last person I got a number from some girl at my job not a therapist I could use that uh but she uh was way too young she was what way too young like what do you mean I mean bro if you're gonna be a successful comedian right all right uh you're gonna have to reframe some of your I mean I didn't have a problem but she probably had a problem with how old I was but she was no no no what do you mean what do you mean what yeah dude you sound like a real creep yeah and it's okay you're not a bad guy thank you thanks Theo do you take her out for Lunchables like what was the day well she ordered a Shirley Temple that's that was a bad sign oh [ __ ] yeah whoa how old was she 75 she's too young for him he's in the very old ladies oh my goodness where did you meet this super young girl it was uh I waited on her she was my table oh my yeah goodness wow wow yeah that was the first I've had dudes like give me their number that was the first girl that ever gave me the number oh yeah oh my goodness that is incredible hmm so what what how did you know how old she was uh well I texted her afterwards and she asked me she thought I was 19 I was like uh I lied about my age but I didn't lie that much I said I was 25 so I don't know why would you lie about your age dude you're you're a straight male I don't hold on a second wait you lied to her about your age yeah if I didn't lie enough I guess how old are you I just we're gonna solve a crime here tonight everybody ladies and gentlemen entering the room Chris Hanson everybody how old are you in real life I just turned 30. you just turned 30. yeah and she texted you a text her then she texts back how old are you yeah and I was like yes I was hoping oh that day like so gay oh my God that's even worse that's even worse than lying about your age as saying guess before you lie about your age guess because you're not gonna be right no matter what you say oh my goodness okay all right so it ended there basically how old was she did you find she was 20 which isn't I'm that bad but like she seemed like a young 20. I was being the bigger person I thought I was being maybe you think maybe she was lying about her age it's possible wow this is frightening and disgusting uh I love it okay what's the biggest uh age Gap that you've ever had with a girl older yeah never older never older that's something you're not into just happened that way have you ever like made out with a cougar no never no is there a cougar in the audience that's willing to make out with this guy who wants to make out with a come on there's got to be one lady so there's got to be a fan of the show willing to [ __ ] it oh no one wants to admit they're a cougar okay is there a hot chick over the age of 35 [Music] come on the whole crowd will go crazy if you do it you'll make our night no one wants to make out with an almost pedophile what's going on here tonight what's what kind of world do we live in all right dude the streak continues for you congratulations though I like your jokes I'm giving you one of these big awesome joke books by the great Bonsai available at killmerch.com the show goes on Rolling Along smoothly one more time for Kyle Roberts everybody everything this is the craziest show on planet Earth your next comedian that was free pulled out of the bucket works here at the comedy Mothership she gets pulled out a lot ever since Vulcan gas company she's worked at the club where the show happens one of our favorite top young Rising comedians in the world here's a new minute from the great Genevieve everybody it's Genevieve [Applause] three structure out at the old ball game one more time for Genevieve everyone hey y'all give it up for me cause I just recently came out as bye [Applause] polar my whole family crazy my aunt called me up the other day and was like Hey you know that movie Django I said yeah she said is it messed up that I still found Leonardo DiCaprio's character sexy even though he said all them [ __ ] I said hang up the phone with me and call it therapist immediately and then I kissed my white boyfriend good night cool dating a white dude dating a white dude feels like 50 reparations and 50 damn he got me [Applause] it's cool they wanna do this though because he blocks me from Bad white people and I block him from the Sun it's been my time y'all thank you wow exactly one minute from the great Genevieve he's been with us in Austin for years now originally from Detroit you're back crushing how do you feel I feel [ __ ] amazing man you kind of look like a country Clark Kent type situation that's a rose but I'm just saying I was complimenting thank you very fun Genevieve I love what you're talking about it is true you do have a white boyfriend uh where do you meet them what do you meet a white at or whatever I know they're so scarce uh [Laughter] some outside I was like hey you'll do trying to be absolutely awesome always always always a great new minute loved the bipolar joke love the white guy black guy stuff uh uh oh yeah no that's my own note though you had a white no you had a white I wanted to ask you have you ever had a black boyfriend oh what I once dated a 50 year old when I was 26. that's what I was trying to get out of the last comedian but he's never had anything like that before what was that like it was cool for a little while but then I found out that he tricked me um we were both truck drivers and I know that he was dependent on me to keep trucking and I had goals to get out and do comedy so I was like this ain't gonna work he wanted to keep you in the truck with him yeah that is interesting so like you guys yeah you guys and he was a long-haul trucker his dick was big oh damn [Applause] I don't want no dumb old big dick would you guys ever do things to each other while the truck was in motion I used to have nightmares that the truck was in motion and I woke up and then I was in had night Daydream nightmares because I'm like he's old as [ __ ] what were some of the physical uh downfall or uh tribulations that you went through with an older man you can't pee directly in the toilet that's a big one and then there was a toilet on the truck no he you know guys have an easy uh truck driving they could just whip it out and pee and just avoid cops that's all pee and avoid cops that's all you got to do whip it out and avoid cops be outside you you stop the truck get out and pee outside sometimes while I was rolling I'd imagine I'd imagine if he had trouble breaking baby yeah I believe it was the Great Fred Durst that once said keep rolling rolling rolling rolling what keep rolling rolling rolling all right it could have been Kid Rock I might be pulling a John D's right now and uh getting my white guys mixed up well I know you'll be loving this [ __ ] right right no way no way no way no I know [Applause] you stop it you I'm not I'm not going into Limp Biscuit tonight no no it's not happening oh all right Genevieve I love your style I've seen you do so many new minutes you you're very lucky you get pulled out of the bucket a lot for how many people have always been signing up it's incredible I feel like the universe here in Austin wants you to be doing stand-up comedy and you're originally from Detroit right how far is that from Royal Oak Michigan very not far very not far okay all right Carmen San Diego uh what does very not far mean 15 minutes okay and you're from Detroit you have family there and stuff have they ever seen you perform in a massive theater there ah no well I am doing the Royal Oak [ __ ] some crazy theater it's I'm about to add another show it's happening in the beginning of August you want to open up that show for me in your hometown ladies and gentlemen I'm flying Genevieve back home to perform an a giant venue I can't remember what the name of it is what is it huh sure you want a notebook don't you already have one what are you selling them on the black black market oh [Applause] [Music] that is going to be yeah the Royal Oak Music Center August 12th and if she has a passport she might as well come to Genevieve come back get your enemy back out here Genevieve step up to that microphone do you have a passport you do get back on that microphone it turns out the night before I have to do two shows in the Queen Elizabeth Theater in Toronto Canada you want to do those two hell yes all right Genevieve uh for a whole weekend sold out theaters [Applause] [Music] oh yes David back there is he back there no okay make some noise for your next comedian I pulled out of the bucket a second ago this is definitely his first time on the show I would know if I've seen this name before Make some noise for Matt the w [Music] the w [Music] I'm between religions right now between the Jews the Catholics and the five percent Nation of Islam which believes white man is the devil honestly I'm lean kind of towards the nation I don't think I'm gonna get that big of a role in any other religion uh I'm not on Tinder but I am on Facebook Market I recently matched with this girl I thought it was going to be a date she thought she was buying a television spend half an hour twisting my nipple trying to change the channel AI technology is nuts uh this came out the new Notorious BIG song I mean my friend discovered this website where you type into an AI okay write a funny paragraph and it's the most racist show you ever heard we laugh our asses off then you go write a funny rap the most anti-Semitic stuff it's so funny but it also comes in handy because I'm not too good at talking to girl I'm not too good at talking to girls so I'll just write type a sexy paragraph send it she'll send back you creep I'll time to AI type an apology and uh it worked all right that's Matt The W everybody over his time hello Matt hello Tony welcome you this is your first time on the show right first time very nervous okay all right and plus the Down Syndrome I'm sure is affecting you deeply right you know that doesn't affect the set as much as you think it would it actually helps I know and the hat hides some of it it does it does look at that whoa whoa all right there it is yeah I wasn't joking about the Nation of Islam I'm really a member uh so if you guys want to join I love it Matt The W so or Upstate New York or New Jersey Long Island oh wow anybody would have guessed wide Island look at you Matt The W so you're just visiting uh no I lived here I moved here in February what made you move here in February uh honestly my buddy was telling me he was moving down here he said you know I need another roommate and so I hopped on the opportunity to move out of my parents house oh you were in your parents house still Yes okay what uh how old are you uh about to turn 28 in two days 28. so you've always lived with your parents oh yeah okay and you love it I hated every second of it but I had to what else you're gonna do when you have no money okay why don't you have any money uh fast food worker and uh dropped out of school uh if anyone's watching this please go to school you don't want to work at McDonald's there you go wise words from Matt The W everybody if we could clip that we could just clip that it could be the ad for this episode uh have you ever thought about like upgrading to like an Applebee's or something uh honestly they won't take me so like why won't they take you what do you need to work at Applebee's that you don't have first off don't be a member of the Nation of Islam they won't hire you wait wait wait wait I stopped paying attention for one second and I looked up you were talking about Islam again what's going on over here honestly I'm just a big fan of hip-hop and a lot of my favorite rappers are intonation of Islam so I'm aware of that why why people white people are considered the devil and Nation of Islam so I'm just happy to take on the role and do my part for the black people what wait are you being serious is this a comedy character that you're doing D Madness loves it by the way I'm pretty sure I'm slowly finding out that he's one of the black Israelites uh that's out on no but no what is it about what is where is Nation of Islam so that is good can we find can we find that on his I'm gonna ask my GPS DMX Littlejohn over here do you know where the Nation of Islam is located Iran or Chicago [Laughter] so what is this thing that you do do you believe this do you have any black friends I have one or two okay how do you not know if you have one or two though right yeah for the second there's blacks around I know how many there are so let's do some math here do you have one or do you have two Nate what's the what's the first one's name we know you have one what's his name uh my first one's name my first oh [Applause] yeah uh it's shaky territory wow dude fast food slow hamster so you know what I'm saying all right uh for the record his name is low Loco low Loco uh I'm sorry to break the news to you that's a Mexican mom hey yo I'm your black friend dude I'm low local dude I'm totally black yo soil negro you guys are making me homesick just like them wow amazing I love it no we're glad you're here it's harder dude it's yeah going up for your first time it's a tough thing to do man and I thought she did a pretty good job I think you know especially especially with you guys you know uh you know when I heard uh Tony was doing this I actually first saw you on getting Doug with high okay so when I heard you're doing kill Tony I was like like I recognized you I was like oh my God okay okay keep doing something for the culture okay oh my God it is pride month it is it is shrimp this is my month this is my month God damn it and it rained it rained during our parade the other day I don't know if you guys know this but [ __ ] we were doing our parade I'm out there with all my gay friends and we're just out there you know doing gay [ __ ] and we're doing our parade and it starts down pouring on us God is just like [ __ ] you Splash all right so Matt let's talk about it craziest thing about you what do you think is the craziest thing I know what we think but we want to know we want to know what you think um yo I'm I'm your average guy from Long Island I uh no you're not no what the uh oh for one so far let's see uh being from Long Island uh when I when I was a kid uh just going in school I was a terrible stage fright there was nothing I could get over to get over the stage fright and surprisingly and just moving forward in comedy going from sucking to being all right to what you just saw you know wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait what part hold on where what do you think just happened from suck to going all right to what we just saw I thought we saw the sock now well the second bit was was good I think it was all right yeah Matt the w uh why Matt the w why is that your name uh that's my rap name wait you rap oh my God thank you Jesus all right what kind of beat do you want look at look at these and tell them what kind of beat you on [ __ ] tell them what you want yes dude we're gonna find out I have a feeling Matt The W might have a calling anybody that still works in fast food I think has a [ __ ] oh [ __ ] right into the tip of that mic good and loud yeah kind of rap where we move banana fast let the hammer pass so much could teach a master class yeah I'm about my cash back with another smash better than the last Patrol on blast they don't like Gus guess we too right just so got it on the miner so I had to Jack the price up who's more sketchy The Hustler or the customer was getting money the other moving funny ah yo I'm the joke crafter Flow cast The Smoke Master troll Smasher yo poses after when they pretend to be my friend and I extend and told tag ya holds disasters yo when they try to be my friend um yeah wow we found your talent you're a rapper yeah uh I I think you're gonna wrap the rest of your life burgers and burger joints yeah that was good burger biggie Mac Big Mac yeah no it's it's really weird because like before I came up here I was on the phone with my grandma she has a whole different opinion on me than you guys it uh what's your grandma what's your grandma say about you get rid of her easy yeah oh man all right you have the money you have the power to do it I mean if anybody could do it what did your grandma say about your talents um she just says you know Matt keep hitting the open mics keep going the shows you're so funny that's what you got to do he says don't get a tattoo he's right don't get a tattoo that was the next thing out of my mouth laughs all right you're a brave dude man I like your attitude Max no doubt Matt The W you're leaving here with a medium-sized joke book from the great bonsai there he goes Matt The W everyone congratulations Matt all right pulled another name out of the bucket Make some noise for Daniel Velasquez everybody here we go we're gonna meet them all together Daniel Velasquez [Music] oh yeah what's up man my uh my favorite part about being crippled is that it could lie to you and you sort of like have to believe me right like you told people that got hurt in Iraq but like no time I was creeping after the coveted vaccine it's fun dude I uh I don't really date this type of woman though because gross right like there's nothing personal there's just like something about like bagging a non-disable chick to like makes you feel like I beat God foreign it's cool man I'm dating right now my girlfriend's cool she's using like nicknames a lot but she like gives me like disabled nicknames like she calls me like Speed Racer and then she like refers to my legs like the Twin Towers the [ __ ] thing is I'm kind of into it honestly but then one time she did like take it a little bit too far man she just went like I want you to [ __ ] me so hard that I walk with you tomorrow yeah wow the kill Tony debut of Daniel Velasquez holy [ __ ] holy [ __ ] nothing but Rhythm and jokes and pacing and timing and focus and execution which like that's the most disrespectful thing oh you're still going anyone's ever said to me oh [ __ ] oh he just doesn't stop and then I came harder than I ever have in my life man thank you yeah absofucking lutely going out on his own terms absolutely incredible the kill Tony debut of Daniel Velasquez welcome hey what's up Tony hell yeah good to see you buddy good to see you man how long you been doing stand-up uh about two and a half years okay absolutely I love it all here in Texas yeah just out of San Antonio man I love it that's where you're born and raised yes sir that's why you lean to the right yes sir we got the number one pick baby yes sir didn't get the laugh I thought I was gonna laugh he leans to the right like politically and physically thank you thank you so much thank you okay yeah you should you can take that it's actually not as good as your jokes just but keep doing what you're doing Daniel no it is it is uh so what do you do for work uh right now unemployed I used to be a a news producer for a local station but I'm actually getting ready to move to Austin pretty soon I love it congratulations you have a place picked out yeah I mean a couple other comedians are coming up here pretty soon a couple months from now so yeah yeah we're excited man wow I love it it's a it's a crew of you in San Antonio comedians coming yeah a couple guys that I think are really really funny that are coming up so I love it yeah okay cool and you've been doing it two and a half years you're unemployed right now how you survive and if you're unemployed how are you making big moves um you know I'm really good I'm you're a disabled person like you have to adapt and so I've always had to adapt like whether it's my comedy or like making money oh D Madness just made a noise like these disabled people are [ __ ] dude he literally was just like I've never heard him make this noise before d born without the ability to literally see is like stabio bitching [Laughter] I [ __ ] love this man amen baby I caught you making a noise under your breath dude that is so funny that just goes to show you there's like the hate never ends you know what I mean just a disabled guy just speaks indeed Madness is like [ __ ] you no there's nothing wrong there's nothing worse than like a struggling disabled person right like for sure like that's why like for me like before I did comedy like I was heavily involved in the Paralympics okay what were you doing in the Paralympics if first of all if you don't know what that is like this it's like the regular Olympics but funnier yeah absolutely no it's hilarious is that the funniest like that's the Special Olympics right but yeah I was a uh right the Paralympics is the kind of funny version yeah right it's like the uh I'm not gonna say all right I'm not gonna I'm not gonna hate for no reason yeah it's kind of funny I was a uh I was a sprinter man for uh oh my God oh my God how many of your future ass narration shut the hell up you would beat my ass in a race I think so honestly oh dude let me tell you something bro let me tell you something dude I would show you might think oh Tony's funny he'll probably show some mercy on me he'll probably jog a little bit and then look let me catch up nope [ __ ] I will leave you in these straight up [ __ ] dust dude bro calm down dude no I will not I will not I will not I will not let a guy nice [ __ ] wobbling around wobbling around talking [ __ ] Bro dude wearing a [ __ ] diaper and [ __ ] it ain't happening dude bro God wrote his legs in cursive dude give him a break that's why he shouldn't be challenging I'm sorry for my friends athletes I'm sorry I'm sorry [Music] yeah yeah listen up Times New Roman foreign you guys are cute together yeah we would be we would be cursive and a capital I come together at once all right guys that's enough and we've had we've done enough picturing this race where did y'all get that belt on thing that was [ __ ] unbelievable it's just it's just him running in slow motion I'm in normal Motion in the video [Applause] that's listen all right didn't you watch out did you win the Paralympics what do you guys win like chocolate coins or something like that how many feet did you go no dude that's the kind of worst part like I trained for that for like 16 years and then I went to one world championships and one bronze like you know how weird it is like train your whole life and then like you're not even the best disabled person that is true that is true okay that's the real that's a real stain on my family's name yeah yeah they must have been so disappointed yeah I love it Daniel what else are you into you seem like a really how old are you 27 yeah you seem like a cool [ __ ] guy what else tell us more about you this is an incredible uh first impression you're leaving here uh yeah man I mean I like my whole thing is like when you're just safe with like everybody like no matter what my first judgment is gonna be how like I walk and how I look so like I always want to live a life bigger than that if I can um and so yeah this is the whole thing man like [Applause] [Music] I [ __ ] love your style that's why I bag tens dude that's oh [ __ ] hold on he's he's talking about 10 items or less and they make the same they give them that job [Applause] but still it counts baby a job at the Applebee's I bet yeah no man uh I'm excited yeah I I think you did a great job man congratulations on making the move up to a city where you can do more comedy man that's awesome you've been doing it two and a half years when are you planning this big move to Austin Texas when's it going down uh two weeks from now man two weeks from now yes sir you think you're gonna go back to visit sometime of course yeah it's only an hour away yeah I know this sounds crazy because I just met you and I've only seen you do one minute of stand-up comedy but if you want I'm gonna give you a [ __ ] little five minute guest spot August 18th at the Tobin Center in San Antonio Texas [ __ ] yeah is that is that a good venue [Applause] you better have four more minutes four more minutes four more minutes four more minutes have you ever been to the Tobin Center yeah yeah I've been there I just was there what have you seen there I just saw John Mulaney there if you well there you go that's that's what yeah you're gonna be on that [ __ ] spot yeah let's go dude let's go you got it Daniel Velasquez August 18th [Applause] didn't take a big joke book ready Paralympics God damn it perfect how loud can this place get for Daniel Velasquez everybody right there baby boy gang yeah it was beautiful it was beautiful that's the type of magic that happens here one second you have a fast food worker that can barely rap the next dreams come true and I'm gonna be honest with you guys you guys are at a little bit of a wacky episode I didn't real I didn't find out that Hans Kim was in South Korea until five minutes before the show started I found out 15 minutes into the show that David Lucas isn't gonna make it tonight so to overcompensate as a special treat here to work out a new bit live in front of you the man that moved me here Austin's own Ron White [Applause] all right [Applause] [Applause] [Music] I [ __ ] my pants on the golf course today let me walk you through that I got back from California had a stomach virus but I promised I would play in a chariot event and I [ __ ] showed up for it and I felt like that if I farted for like 15 minutes I would be about good pressure wise and proud of it bloated and uh I felt the fart coming but it wasn't and here's the deal here's the problem with being 66 years old you know that shut off valve that you got down there it's slower than it used to be not by much a sixteenth of a second and it sends a signal to your brain that says you're about to [ __ ] your pants but the fact of the matter is you've already [ __ ] your pants straighten down both legs of my brand new Lulu lemons meow yep that's the great Ron White everybody that is how you [ __ ] do it just a little clinic from the Surgeon General of stand-up comedy Austin's own Ron [ __ ] White [Applause] so cozy up in the green room waiting to see how these shrooms are gonna land and Yoni came up there and pulled me off the bench he goes nobody showed up go do it what an honor and it's literally all because of this man that everything is happening he showed Joe around when Joe came to visit and they rolled out the red carpet when I came to visit we told everybody and so this is where it all started [ __ ] I swear to God It All Leads back all the red [ __ ] yarn leads back to Ron White in the middle of this revolution in beautiful Austin Texas and I think I gotta tell you on a personal note this club has meant so much to me uh because I was ready to quit and it wasn't really I just didn't like doing stand up anymore but I just couldn't travel anymore after 38 years and this place gave me a place to come and just play with my craft with some great comics and also providing opportunities for these young Comics to come out and make a name for themselves and and also to make a living a lot of I'm sure people don't know this but in in this club 80 of the money that comes through the door goes to the comedians it doesn't go to pay the bills it goes to pay our bills yeah yeah and that's an amazing thing for Joe to do for us for all of us yeah a place that we can grow and [ __ ] flourish it's all unbelievable and also to have kill Tony uh broadcast right out of Austin Texas yeah the funnest show baby and I and I I got stood up in that balcony on Monday nights and watch the show because I think it's the most entertaining thing going on and what is it you're saying I always say that having Ron White watching this show from the balcony is like having Jack Nicholson watching the uh LA Lakers it's the coolest thing on planet Earth one of the great honors of my life is being friends and getting to be peers with the great Ron white ladies and gentlemen he did this as a gift to all of us make some [ __ ] noise for Ron White [Music] just a little Austin [ __ ] nuclear treat for you out of [ __ ] nowhere normally that's a goddamn 65 ticket right there for that awesome dude he's from Texas he's from Fritz Fritz Texas [Music] Friedrich he's from Frederick Frederick no he no he's from Fritch Fritch 's pick Rich where is he French right yeah okay Wikipedia moment there I had no idea all right we're going back to the bucket now you think this next person can follow the momentum of Ron White huh let's see anything can happen let's give him a chance we've already seen a miracle here tonight let's see if it can happen again Make some noise for straight out of the bucket we're gonna meet them all together Colton James everybody Colton James here we go come on make some noise for Colton everybody come on thank you thank you I was reading an article about David Draymond from Disturbed the other day it turns out he actually runs the equivalent of five miles during a single performance of disturbed set kind of makes you wonder why he doesn't just good I love David Raymond he's a hero of mine he's an upstanding member of the bald Community I think it's important that there's good bald voices out there doing good work for you know it's it's bald and beautiful it's okay to be bald going bald's not a crime good people talk to you crazy when you're bald the other day this guy walked up to me we weren't talking before this and he said uh Hey man be honest with me what's stopping you from cutting the rest of it off foreign that's crazy you could only say that to me right you could never walk up to I don't know a trans woman and be like hey sister be honest with me what's stopping you from cutting the rest of it off it would be inappropriate to say that's what I'm saying be really me the other day I went to Sports Clips and it took them 45 minutes to give me a haircut this haircut not this wasn't a few years ago I asked my friend she's in school she said sometimes when a guy is bald we take a little extra time so he doesn't feel like he's as bald as he really is Colton James welcome it's actually Colton Jones but I appreciate the attention absolutely welcome you have shitty handwriting but that's what that is that's how the show works if you have shitty handwriting even just for a second that your name is totally different I'm left-handed but I got an A in penmanship when I was in eighth grade so you know wow education system grade so okay all right Colton okay relax Colton um I'm not saying that you're a serial killer but it you gotta look if you were a serial killer how would you kill people I would play one on TV and then commit the exact same crimes while I was doing it so everybody would think there was a copycat and it wasn't really me [Applause] wow watch out that was the fastest answer all night that we've gotten to a question it was unbelievable you've really picture this yes yes oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh that's good yes all right all right all right Colton you're very loud uh what do you do for work I'm uh I work I get a paycheck from Brian redband away tables actually really Sunset Strip comedy oh wow oh my goodness and also I act I also you know do comedy I do a lot of uber driving during the day I'd like to get a barista job Barista you know just something during the day I can get off at like 4 pm because my handwriting is that's hilarious barista Barista is that that you should go in and say I would like to be a barista Barista okay Colton coffee I don't know I've never seen someone that's both charming and frightening before somehow you pull off both thank you it's incredible what's your love life like I feel like you make a lot of icons okay you go ahead right now I want the answer before I'm done with with the question I want you to just get right into it I have more consensual sex than anyone in this room is probably thinking that I have I I think I do pretty good for myself I can't I get the feeling that you like have them sign something before you the way you say consensual you just have them sign something like I can do anything I want to and then you just [ __ ] them nope when you say you've had more consensual what does that mean to you consensual I just feel like people see a doughy guy light hairline you know it's it's going away on me but like you said I'm both charming and frightening and I you know I can make it work I can make it how do you do that can you explain to us how you make it work I lie I ask a lot of you questions uh kind how many you questions do you ask before you brutally rape somebody I'm can't shut up with your groans yeah after all we've been through you guys are gonna start groaning now yeah it would be fine if I rape somebody okay is that not what you were saying no okay sorry I misunderstood no a lot of people trying to make me an accessory to a crime tonight I don't know if you guys are watching it sorry I must have missed people have been finding out how much money we've been making lately and they're going in for the [ __ ] old Suey Maguey over here okay you did what show uh murder made me famous it shows on the reels Network I was I was the son of Sam killer wow was it was it a reality show no it's like um got you I got you good on that one oh he really did I got him he hurt my feelings and made y'all laugh yep Mr Jones and me I played the Son of Sam but I had to wear a wig okay all right son of you were Son of Sam whose the son of Sammy was a guy like 80s Brooklyn he was you know he really originalized like the lovers lane killer you know you just walk up to like a young couple making out in a car just got them both up wow you make it sound like it was adorable yeah yeah so I thought it was like Son of Sam Walton or something no they're responsible for even more deaths all right well Colton have you ever done anything like uh scary to scare somebody with a face like yours because if I had a face like yours I'd be doing that bad looking at all to be honest man yeah you know what I really he always hell-bent on never getting murdered by somebody that gets pulled out of this bucket he always gives just enough Goblin I want it's a [ __ ] I've never seen a guy better looking in my life than this than this melting mask man and a guy who's been a guy who's Ted Bundy mask is melting off of no John Wayne Gacy I'm sorry I almost confused you with the good looking serial killer I will correct myself immediately because in eighth grade I had good penmanship okay Colton have you been on this show before this is my first time your first time I'm gonna tell you what I like your style here's a big joke book look how amazing these things are getting on a new level every week from the great Bonsai there you go okay I love you to uh do the Secret Show Thursday absolutely man Secret Show Secrets out Colton Jones there he goes Make some noise for Colton everybody pulled another name out of the bucket we're finally getting a lady up here tonight Make some noise for you won't believe her last name Karen Jones everybody Karen Jones we're literally going from Colton Jones to Karen Jones oh yes let's [ __ ] go make some noise for Karen Jones get your ass over there come on make some noise for Karen everybody these people wait all night for this you're all too nice if you knew me you wouldn't be doing that so I get here tonight and there's this lady walking around in a pink get up just crazy hot pink outfit and her t-shirt says [ __ ] is the new dick which was news to me because I thought Karen was a new dick my name is Karen and I'm thinking finally woman's Liberation achieve something they have replaced dick with Karen yay girls girl power thank you it's so annoying to me because I'm old and I've watched This Woman's lib stuff play out and you I see some young women here you have no idea how much better we used to have it before we were equal laughs it used to be great we weren't it was guys would give us their seat they paid for everything we didn't have to work we could work if we got a little part-time job that didn't interfere with their work which is good and we liked it that they made more money than us because who do you think got that money it's the bear cutting you off good stuff Karen Jones hello welcome thank you I'm gonna interview you now okay I shall be interviewed indeed Karen welcome welcome welcome how long you been doing stand-up comedy this is my first time ever wow that's really good that's really good for your first time well I did have a little bit of an edge I taught at a drunk driving school for almost 10 years okay and they were a captive audience you guys seemed a lot more natural when you laughed they seem to be laughing to get their card signed for court [Music] no it was in California whoa Paul Diemer uh Paul Diemer with the first ever question asked no I get that all the time people coming up and saying do I know you I'm like you don't want to know a lot of people think you were their teacher yes and some are correct so I just like and what exactly did you teach again I taught them how to drink and drive right how what do you mean well actually we tried to encourage people not to drink particularly during the terms of their probation but there were also some tips and tricks like never take the roadside test that's just Gathering evidence against you totally get tell more people as they drink here tonight give us all a little tutorial no that's good if you if you did Drive don't forget your car that's a really big one that's good that's a big one don't forget your car now have you ever heard of like those old things like you put a little nickel a couple nickels and some pennies under your tongue you can blow you know zero what the [ __ ] and what you could blow a Jewish guy yeah [Applause] what are you trying to say dude [Music] oh my God I love it theovan.com for tickets holy [ __ ] God damn no the best trick that I learned I learned more from the drunk drivers than they learned from me but I learned that if you get arrested for the third time I think it's you know drunk driving laws are by State and in the state of California on your third one it's an automatic felony and you're going to be in a lot of trouble so they say you've got to get the cops to beat you up because that's why when I drink and drive I do blackface and then I hit the road this way they they beat me up I do my best I do my best little John impression when I roll down the window I just go oh [Laughter] you son of a [ __ ] you remember that these you remember hahaha okay so this was in California yes it was okay now let me ask you your first time doing stand up how old are you I am an old woman I am old enough for Medicare okay 65. I like it you look great Red Band red band he hit the old car horn do you hear that you remember that does that bring back memories I think he's coming onto me I think that flirt but he Redman you should know I am post-sexual what does that mean you're that that means after sex I'm not interested in having sex I'm not sexually attracted to anyone although I have been like feeling sexually attracted to Hans Kim oh my God I get it oh yup my God this is Hans Bim this is on scam he lives on in spirit that is incredible he's in South Korea right now and you want him in your South Korea huh you want him to have a little piece of yourself you know what I'm saying oh this is my demilitized zone oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] oh my God [Music] uncomfortable [Music] it's the evacuation this is the Lost finale that's your queefs and I'm they shouldn't be saying that around you I don't think and I'm sorry about that you're a gentleman Theo bond is a gentleman you're a gentleman I'm trying to be it's hard in here tonight man it's not easy I like it when they flirt yeah but sometimes it's too much what do you think's a good pickup line for you what do you think is the pickup line that would work on you what type of what type of thing would uh open up that [ __ ] get that guy with the almanac back out here yeah I don't know if you know this but Nolan Ryan had 31 strikeouts in one game and uh does that do anything for you no I really am post-sexual I don't feel and maybe if we spoke like back when maybe if a guy spoke to you like back when you were super young right like maybe if some guy was like four score and seven years ago I was super young at the beginning of the sexual Revolution and that's why I speak to these young women here it was so much better before like a lot of the stuff that was supposed to be an improvement is not oh [ __ ] listen to that did you hear that I agree with you man there's some [ __ ] little children that wants to go back in time right now she's looking for a DeLorean to go in the sexual Revolution she's with this [ __ ] beta with the thick rims over here looks like Enrique Chacon back in grade school holy [ __ ] can you tell us what changed what was the sexual Revolution what was going on back then did you used to get like STDs and stuff or were they like not made yet did fauci not release those yet I was quite a bit older when AIDS came along but we were scared of AIDS and I knew people who died of AIDS and that's why I didn't think covid was anything it's like show me some dead people young healthy people died of AIDS and some people wanted to quarantine uh certain groups and we said no even though there were young healthy men dying right I knew several people where were you up in San Fran no no I was in Bakersfield Bakersfield oh hell yeah dude I worked at the county hospital and uh it was it was scary but that's covet doesn't scare me AIDS was a lot uh scarier so when you went through the covid stuff were you still working you weren't working in a hospital no I stopped working in the mid 90s I love it absolutely right when you stopped having your period kind of you're you're not I wasn't you're groaning and she's agreeing with me just to let you [ __ ] haters know I'm dialed in I can I know I know worse that [ __ ] that menopause the long time ago you know what I'm saying you know what I'm saying and not a drip since Pulp Fiction came out how nice [Laughter] these men are sick ma'am I'm sorry what's one of your favorite movies that you like actually I went inside the Covenant I thought that was good I like going to movies with my grandson and he likes war movies okay so we do a lot of military movies okay did you ever date a military man were you ever married to a military man no my husband is at that age where they had draft deferments he's 71. and so he had a draft number but it was high and they let people who go to college and not participate in the draft it's kind of the beginning of a lot of like uh so you have a husband still oh yeah he's waiting for you out in Bakersfield if we don't live in Bakersfield we've lived in Santa Barbara County for a few decades yeah he was born in Santa Barbara So I Married up yeah he married up and I married up we both did in our own way I love it so let me ask you this how long have you been with them well we've been married for 41 years and we've been living together oh my goodness unbelievable now it's a post-sexual thing making sense like I offer him sex on his birthday and he's like when's his birthday it's uh September 12th so oh man no better day no better day the Saudi Arabian guys heart is a rock right now look at this [ __ ] guy oh my God September 12th is like the day after Christmas to this [ __ ] guy he's just playing with his presence and [ __ ] trying different outfits on changing socks for no reason I love it so September 12th so when the towers fell you do you remember that birthday that he had the day after 9 11. well he always got sex on his birthday but over the years it's like the holidays it's fewer and fewer because once again I see that as a wifely Duty right but my husband's super cool and if I'm not into it he's not into do you get do you do you do you offer him anything exciting ever for the birthday like when you say Duty do you mean like Duty you know what I mean telepathy that to me you ever let him [ __ ] you in the ass yeah yeah it's my show and I can do whatever I want [ __ ] you hey look we got another name out of the bucket it's [ __ ] you everybody 60 seconds uninterrupted but [ __ ] you it's been 10 years if I want to ask an old lady if she gets [ __ ] in the ass I'm gonna do it [ __ ] you I want to answer yeah okay I'll answer that yeah I have had multiple people my husband isn't my first guy I've ever been with and there have been many occasions where a guy has tried to do that and it's over the minute that goes in the wrong hole you're done what do you say what exactly do you use my rule too it hurts [Applause] but give us an example what exactly do you say when that happens when that goes up there I want to know what exactly it's been almost five decades right so I don't remember exactly but I can just tell you how I am I'd be like you're done buddy then it'd say that was an accident and I'd say [ __ ] right yep Paul Diemer actually has the sound effect of that happening [Laughter] that's what happens all right Karen I gotta tell you I cannot bring myself to believe after doing this for 10 years I cannot I truly cannot believe it was your first time doing stand-up comedy tonight the way that you did it you handled this interview so fun so positive rolling with the [ __ ] punches you used your wisdom and your life experience to [ __ ] stay in the zone up here tonight and that's what it's all [ __ ] about I'm gonna give you a big joke buff there you go Karen Jones everybody hell yeah you got it boom what a great time [ __ ] yeah Karen you did it yeah Yeah final thoughts we did not even get to the most interesting thing about all right stop playing music stop playing music come on let us guess what it is though okay guess what it is all right you guessed first Theo I don't have a guess yet okay all right red band she has she went to prison or she did something awful like murder somebody now hold on let it let the rest of us guess um I'm gonna guess that you have the ability to sing all right I know what it is she was adopted oh good guess now you're getting me to go down a different rabbit hole but I got one of those stories too yeah you got a rabbit hole too you know what I mean things covered in white fur [Laughter] I'm not even gonna comment on that what's left of it is white I know don't waste your money on electrolysis I know your vagina is so white it just called the cops on John D's we have a report about a black guy confusing DMX and little John uh 10-4 we're gonna send a whole Squad down now very suspicious black man he is confusing TMX and little okay the most interesting thing about you I'm guessing none of us nailed it what is it Karen Jones you all came fairly close oh my god really you got adopted by a uh [ __ ] I can't remember no but but all that's for another day I'll be back but uh my local newspaper ran a story just before Thanksgiving accusing me of being a uh white supremacist terrorist oh my God and all of a sudden the interview will last another four and a half minutes oh no I wish we could be continued I wish we could be continued I've gotta knock this out she might die before her next time on this show I gotta I gotta find out now I'll read a pamphlet but I'm not gonna commit to anything tonight the Bakersfield Gazette know the Santa Barbara independent I shouldn't even say their name oh yeah just blew up their website right now by the way I think I'm the most read story they had last year explain to us why they thought you were a white supremacist well they accused of leading the Pledge of Allegiance on the capitol steps on January 6th were you there I cannot confirm or deny [Applause] foreign [Applause] oh my God wow we're meeting the real one here tonight ladies and gentlemen holy [ __ ] Little Texas snow angel over here a Californian made that [ __ ] trip holy [ __ ] you must have been the only person that flew from the Santa Barbara Airport to DC on that day for those of you that don't know Santa Barbara has to be well I guess actually now that I think about it it's probably pretty Center huh because there's so many wildly rich people there and rich people are Republicans because that's the way it goes Oprah Prince Harry Ellen no those those I'll beat the [ __ ] out of Prince Harry though [Applause] [Applause] [Laughter] I'll beat the [ __ ] out of her [ __ ] right now wait no no no no no no red band no red band flag on the play flag on the plug penalty on the field taking it too far on red band five minutes of silence okay intentional what was intentional it's foul okay okay a lot of trouble let me talk with you about something okay so you go there we have to talk about it all right me and my husband and three girlfriends one of whom is a very well-known Starlet from a TV show in the 80s whose name I can't say because she's Delta bird investigation no but you're you know we'll just say it's a pretty gal I think we know who you're talking about she's been on the show a lot lately she lives here now John Summers we all went and this is something the people that inspired this hit piece on me uh because I president of my local government board in San you are yes Santa Barbara my little town they are going to be playing this at your next meeting like I hereby move to remove the leader they already did that no they already did that Tony and I just said thank you is there another public comment thank you because yeah you just [ __ ] school you just trumped it the whole time you just [ __ ] bodied them thank you next question yeah incredible okay so let me ask you this I gotta know and let's just be honest because we've already spilled so many beans that [ __ ] and we might as well go all the way so January 6th you fly there how close do you make it how close to being inside the capital do you get and Let Me Wait what the [ __ ] was that look what's up there are you [Applause] see second were you wearing horns like that I would never go in a unpublic place I would never go in a private office but you paid taxes for that building no no I'm kidding it said I have been to the Capitol multiple times on a weekday and there has never been any reason not to go in there was never any anything so I it is a public building and I would never go in a restricted area but let me just say the people that outed me to this this free newspaper they're called internet sluice and they don't have jobs and they spend their time doing facial recognition to find us but hold it let me make my point that I flew and went through TSA I rsvp'd to the uh a band uh Bank of America wait you are as well stop stop I need a replay on the field I'm calling for a replay you said that you RSVP to January 6th yes this is the most unbelievable we are at 20 minutes and 15 seconds with this lady that is about four five six times as long as your normal interview and to be honest I'm just getting started with her no I'm kidding we gotta put a rabbit put me in prison no I know what did you do did you go into Nancy Pelosi's office no that's what I'm saying I didn't do it do anything that I thought was illegal okay and after the fact that what you see you see on the news is a certain Loop and when they talk about the deadly Riot four Trump people got killed no police officers got killed but I wasn't involved in any violence wait what are people I don't even know what you guys are doing I'm on the I'm on oh a police officer did die the next day of a stroke oh wow okay all right good but four people who aren't reported we hear of the one gal who was shot in the neck but three other people died one was trampled and beaten a lady okay okay okay okay hold on he's going off the rails everybody this is this interview is like January 6. like everything was kind of fun and patriotic for a second and who gets trampled and beaten that's the crazy thing to me I think like who runs over somebody and then it's like yeah there's a couple yeah well it's it's pretty horrible that this is unfortunate but we there was a permitted event and you know the reporting is pretty crazy on it but there is no sleuthing needed we we bought plane tickets all of our financial every time you use your ATM card uh the bank gave that gotcha gotcha we've been known the FBI came to our house almost immediately you're right okay all right so how far in did you make it all the way all the way in um if you if you go to the free newspaper they have pictures of my husband and I [Music] what were you wearing that day I was wearing a fleece it was it was January it's cold uh-huh so I was wearing um a police people forget how cold it was you see a lot of people in muscle shirts out there that was just the adrenaline well no it was I like fleeces yeah yeah well I dressed appropriately for the weather but like was it patriotic did you wear like a bandana or anything please Navidad that's an old shirt joke I I had I had a hat on but I didn't what was the Hat uh just a trump hat was it just a normal Trump hat or was it the red one it wasn't red I think it was camo oh [ __ ] yeah oh my God I'm hard as a rock right now oh my God yeah you might be the coolest [ __ ] craziest she had a shirt that said I don't take it in the trunk yeah [Music] [Applause] Karen we love you what a [ __ ] appearance congratulations one of the best first timers we've ever had on this show make some [ __ ] noise for Karen everybody [Applause] [Music] oh I love that thing Karen Jones everybody there she goes all right ladies directly to jail Karen's going to jail wait I thought I [Music] um yeah that went so long but this person's been waiting it's really not fair we're gonna do a one last Quick minute out of the bucket is that fair this person's been waiting for 25 minutes things got a little out of control with Karen here doing a minute real quick quick extra quick interview Make some noise for Carly Anderson everybody she's been waiting in the back for 25 minutes not an easy position to be in Carly Anderson [Applause] I like to [ __ ] on the first date [Applause] I think it's productive straight to the point leaves no surprises I can't imagine [ __ ] a guy for a whole month to find out he's got a small penis and same goes for you guys too imagine going out with a girl for a whole month to find out she also has a small penis I've been dating though dating in Austin's interesting I get more amber alerts on my phone than I do text back from guys like what the [ __ ] does seven-year-old Janessa have that I don't [Applause] I just got out of a situationship uh for those of you that don't know what that is it's like a relationship but only one of you knows that he told me that he loves me but he's not in love with me and to me that sounds like a [ __ ] men in the ass but I'm not gay that's my time thank you okay Carly Anderson welcome to the show how long you been doing stand-up [Applause] um like two years now I love it you all of it here in Austin no um I've been in Austin since since September okay yeah where were you before that Arizona Phoenix yeah nice there's a big scene there yeah all right I was actually on the show once before but under a different name was that in Phoenix or here here okay why'd you change your name um my stage name was Beast or McGillicuddy and okay and now you've gone to your actual name yes yeah all right you left the old porn name behind and uh hell yeah yeah okay so welcome back to the show under your new god-given name yes they call it any chance you were at the Capitol on January 6th because the last interview was a [ __ ] doozy so I heard um no I was not there okay what do you do for work I'm a barista okay all right what the [ __ ] is that obvious yeah oh yeah you look like you were made in a coffee shop in Austin the bangs the bad tattoos the nose piercings it's a whole thing I think yeah you seem like a nice person I think oh are you trying to go out to you or whoa are you trying to go out I'm trying to go out yeah like on a date with me um I don't know I don't know I'll think about it while I'll think about it right now okay [Laughter] absolutely you're single right now I am single yeah okay last relationship you were in what was that like I was engaged actually whoa I was engaged to give you a nose ring worse of lip ring um yeah cold sore you mean okay go ahead ringworm ringworm no I was engaged um I found out that he was cheating on me right after we had just planned the whole wedding God damn how did you find out you went through his phone yes yes okay was it when he was sleeping it was when he was sleeping okay did you you did you know his passcode or did you use his face as the face activator yeah I know all the [ __ ] tricks guys I've been I'm like a black belt at this I sleep with my phone in between hahaha oh [ __ ] I didn't know his passcode um he got a text from his sister-in-law actually and I just opened it because at the time it says sister-in-law is the contest from his sister-in-law Marissa and at the time she was going through a divorce with his brother so I opened it and uh it turns out he was [ __ ] his sister-in-law wow okay yeah okay you're pulling a real Karen Jones here because I'm coming up with more questions as this goes so let me just ask you this did you um first of all how did you confront him immediately did you wake him up you [ __ ] yeah right yeah yeah that is a rude awakening what happened take us through like what happened step by step day by day um because this has happened to me spots him in the face while he was sleeping say that again for real I stalked him in the face while he was sleeping oh that's not right jump into conclusions kind of you didn't even ask him about it because okay when I saw the text from the sister-in-law I also saw that he was texting three other women right so I was like finding out that your fiance is cheating on you with four women and you have a wedding planned and everything yeah you fought the law and the sister-in-law won you know what I'm saying all right so three other women did you know the three other women too close to you they were like groupie girls why would they oh he was a comedian he was a musician hell yeah guitarist nope drummer whoa whoa nothing worse than getting cheated on by a drummer but it's kind of quite cool now he's homeless Matt muelling's doing [ __ ] you drummer jokes over here because when his band found out what he did whoa whoa they were Disturbed was that the band Yes Foo Fighters disturbed by what he did um and then they signed a record deal to Sony afterwards they signed a record deal after they kicked him out oh look at you okay now here's the million dollar question that I've been sitting on for about five minutes okay did you immediately contact his brother that was married to the sister-in-law no you let that see they were going through a divorce it was like I don't even want to oh they were cheating on her she was cheating on him it was like why even get in the middle of that thank you do you think he ever found out that his own brother was banging his wife I hope he watches his [ __ ] episode because no probably not [Music] no you didn't no okay no so you think he never found out no they live together too oh when I kicked him out he moved in with his brother whoa Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry why are they Irish under the Irish Irish no I don't think so man that is unbelievably entertaining uh if I had a big joke book I'd give it to you um we'll figure that out how much uh what's the longest stand-up set you've ever done before uh 15. 15 minutes I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday we just got booked on a real show in unbelievably entertaining interview said Make some noise for Carly Anderson everybody oh [ __ ] she is trying to move in on the Theo Von stock right now that'll be an interesting storyline to follow you guys hear that [ __ ] beat that Rhythm that sweet sweet underlying tone but while Hans and David are out doing whatever they're doing there's one man that stays loyal to the soil [Applause] yeah there's one guy that never calls in sick there's one guy that's never gonna stop some people call him the Big Red Machine the Memphis Strangler the man with the most sets in Kill Tony history ramping up for the 10-year anniversary over five years on the show hundreds of sets I Get to You The One and Only William Montgomery [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] guys shut the [ __ ] up ever since getting our dog I started working at the vet's office and I've got to tell y'all the number of dogs identifying as cats these days is outrageous we actually had to put a dog to sleep and it was kind of sad because his last meal request was appeared a pair of Jordan sneakers [Laughter] the vet has a board of directors full of horses which sounds good but we can't ever agree on anything because they never vote yay [Laughter] we had to pump one horse full of steroids and the side effect was he started setting home run records thank you okay that's my job exactly 59 seconds from the man the myth and the big red Legend William Montgomery rocking what appears to be a brand new hockey jersey here tonight Christmas huh it is I Gotta Give It Up rest in peace Derrick boogard the boogeyman I recently got into hockey and I love watching his YouTube videos where he's beating the [ __ ] out of people but he ended up getting addicted to opiates and sadly killed himself oh boy yes no it's a tragic story but it's fun watching him beat the [ __ ] out of people out on the ice so I came today from eBay I'm still getting [ __ ] on eBay so that's nice very nice wow how long ago did he kill himself uh I should have done more research on him since I'm wearing his [ __ ] Jersey do you know how do you know how he did it yeah I think he just overdosed on uh pills okay all right there you go yep all right what else is going on William I just Theo I have to ask you did I I can't remember our last interaction did I make something up did I owe you twenty thousand dollars because we have to we have to squash this beef up here because I swear to God I got swatted literally yesterday the whole SWAT team get into our little apartment people are literally after me Theo thinking that I owe you money we have to squash the beef now I'm not even kidding we have to yeah I feel you Dude I don't think this is a time really to discuss it first of all and second of all um you know how I feel about it sorry I owe you I'm gonna pay you back what what and do that okay I regret bringing it up again I thought you were gonna what happened why why does he he owes the god the money uh he owes it yeah no it's he owes it boy he'll [ __ ] pay twenty thousand I thought you were gonna try to tell literally I'm getting messages from people people it's really bad you have to tell people that I paid you back I'm gonna pay you back yeah I'll tell them when it's done that's how things work I thought time works you have to pay him you make that on cameo in like a day that's the beta guy that's banging the chick that uh did something earlier I can't remember looks like a real [ __ ] oh [ __ ] oh my goodness I've never heard young Santa Claus use those words before this is incredible I'm totally kidding okay Theo I regret bringing it up okay I thought you were gonna tell the people that I paid you back already but you're not gonna tell them no I'm not gonna say that okay is there any other way that you can perhaps uh you know pay a debt to Theo nope so literally just the cash Theo wants 20 000 and a gym bag Jesus Christ there's some guy over there that really wants to see William's tits absolutely incredible what do you what do you have for this guy William this guy's saying show your tits that's what this guy came up with this [ __ ] uh which Native American yeah he looks like uh what's that [ __ ] movie Moana Moana has anyone ever told you you look like Moana all the time I bet you see fruit so William tell us what else is going on this week will my sciatic nerve is still acting up so Tony you're not gonna like hearing this but I just downloaded Diablo 4 a couple days ago I'm already at a 47 Necromancer level 47 Necromancer so I have really been hitting it hard and yeah my sciatic nerve I haven't been able to work out in two weeks it's bad I'm not feeling good so you decided to get a video game yes and I've been playing a bunch and I was really hoping Theo was gonna help me squash this thing I'm gonna get even more messages after all that I can't believe it I don't know you yeah so I would do something I think but I don't know you I like you I think that's a that's a pretty pushing on that that's a pretty big endorsement I know you I think is one of the nicest things I've ever heard anybody say about William well you might not be getting your money back then wow I swear to God ever so I was wondering how you were gonna respond to this tonight you might not be getting that 20K back yeah dude after everything I thought we had talked earlier and you said you were gonna say that I paid you back I know you're not going with it I don't know you sir and you were playing a video game or something all the time well I need some money yeah okay well you're not getting it back okay I'll give you another two thousand dollars to never ask me about it again okay okay wow so now you only owe them 18 000. yeah absolutely amazing how do you plan on repaying him what are some side gigs that you're gonna do to uh great question yeah well I wasn't kidding when I said I started working at a vet's office I'm getting 18 an hour so I should be able to pay you back in a year or so okay so let's make it a year from today I'll pay you back oh God one year from today come on how do we put a ribbon on this thing William anything you're passionate about perhaps this week anything happen to you or anything going on in your life which might bring a little more energy than uh yeah besides spending my money on the clothes of deceased pill heads this was a six thousand dollar Jersey come on man who the [ __ ] are you dude god seriously you are you yeah that's Ray Romano's son yeah that is it is [Music] parmesan parmesan Romano Dee laughed at that and he doesn't even know what you look like that's hilarious that's how good that was he looks like Ray Romanos yeah cheesier son okay William you know that guy you work with them every week there's a part where we're in the green room before and after the show I 100 know you but I cannot think of your name right now oh my goodness that is just rude oh [ __ ] it's not I'm not being mean goddamn bad with names I don't know if you guys recognize that song [Music] Paul nice to meet you wow do you hear that yeah [Music] [Applause] [Music] I love my little dog my little dog I got her a couple months ago now and now I work where I take her to the hospital I got a job at the veterinary Place how do you say it Veterinary or Veterinary you were working with the veterinaries I love my little dog yes I do yes I do Theo I promise you I'll pay you 18 000 a year from today I regret bringing it up ladies and gentlemen make some [ __ ] noise for the one and only William Montgomery this is it the final episode recorded before the 10 year anniversary how loud can this place get for [ __ ] come on coming into Austin Texas and absolutely dominating multiple sold out theaters multiple sold out shows here in austintheobon.com this past weekend numerous Netflix specials one more time for the Best Damn Band in the land the kill Tony man Paul Diemer John Dees D Madness and Matt muelling exclusive killed Sony merch available in the lobby right now you're gonna see it on your way out this is your only chance to get it you can only get it here the drawing from Ryan J E belt is in it is theobon check that crazy [ __ ] out that's you [ __ ] yeah and make some noise for the local artist Chris Rogers with a new drawing he did that while you were all sitting there that is indeed the guitarist Matt muelling all right we did it again go to killmerch.com make sure you uh know what's up thank you to the red rose the Yellow Rose gel Blaster Austin security guard service and screwball peanut butter whiskey Red Band Secret show every Thursday go to Sunset Strip atx.com love you guys thank you so much good night everybody [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] foreign [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] thank you [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] foreign [Music] [Music] foreign [Music]

Channel: Kill Tony

Views: 1,973,157

Keywords: Kill, Tony, podcast, Comedy, Store, Belly, Room, Hollywood, stand, up, comedian, comedy, jokes, panel, one, minute, cat, angry, west, bear, Hinchcliffe, Brian, Redban

Id: wJqjNqIqkCg

Length: 119min 15sec (7155 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 27 2023