KILL TONY #501

[Music] [Music] foreign [Music] hey this is redmond coming live from antone's in austin texas for a brand new episode of kill tony get up for tony hatchley come on austin this is a live podcast people listen to hear a live audience can you guys make some [ __ ] noise jesus christ didn't realize that we were at antone's [ __ ] library tonight what the [ __ ] was that guys make some noise red bands here everybody you guys have any idea what kind of party you're at they are you know i've noticed since we've been here in austin they are a lot quieter than most very they're like very i don't know if they're trying to not spread the corona virus or something but they've already guys have already had it i promise how many of you have had the coronavirus by round of applause [Applause] oh jeez what did what did you just announce my name again did you hear the light applause there though how loud can this place get for the band that's been performing for you for uh okay oh there you go it's a music town i guess not really not really a comedy hub just yet that's john dee's matt muelling d madness and michael gonzalez on the drums um how many of you have been to kill tony before [Applause] how many of you make some noise if you haven't been to kill tony before wow very excited people are excited that have never been here before isn't that interesting well uh you know we're gonna have a lot of fun it's a show about stand-up comedy we meet people we see how it goes and uh yeah things like that we have the great ryan j e belt in los angeles drawing tonight's episode he's in la right now he drew an amazing poster for kill tony 500 that's going to be available he's coming out for that event very exciting stuff he draws every single episode every single road poster all those are available ryan jebel.com including the brand new kill tony the coloring book selling like hotcakes what kind of comedy podcast has their own coloring book the one that you're at that you half clapped at the beginning of the one that you're barely excited to be at um but before we start tonight's show here's a little bit about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode possible for you right now hey y'all are you hiring for spring what type of role are you hiring for maybe you need to hire someone to wear many hats which can be challenging or you might have a simple position to fill but it's taking forever to find someone who's a great fit for your company that's where zip recruiter comes in ziprecruiter can help you find qualified candidates fast and now you can try it for free at ziprecruiter.com kill tony whether you need to hire a civil engineer in new york a nurse in nebraska an attorney in colorado or a mascot in missouri zip recruiters matching technology finds people with the right experience for your job and actively invites them to apply it's so effective that four out of five employers who post on zip recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day from accountant to zoologist and everything in between ziprecruiter makes hiring easier and right now you can try it for free at our only our listeners get it link ziprecruiter.com kill tony if you go to ziprecruiter.com kill tony today to try ziprecruiter for free we get credit for sending you once again that's ziprecruiter.com k-i-l-l-t-o-n-y you know ziprecruiter is the smartest way to hire mud water yum yum yum it's a coffee alternative with four aptigenic mushrooms and ayurvedic herbs with one seventh of caffeine is a cup of coffee you get the energy without the anxiety jitters or crash of coffee each ingredient was added for a purpose cacao and chai for mood and a micro dose of caffeine lion's mane for alertness cordyceps for to help support physical performance chaga and re-sheet to support your immune system turmeric for soreness and cinnamon for antioxidants yeah it's great i drink a lot of coffee but i always get those caffeine jitters and stuff this doesn't give me that and it gives me energy i love to put a little bit of honey in there a little lemon it's great sometimes i use a little nut milk it's delicious mud is 100 usda organic non-gmo gluten-free vegan whole30 and kosher yes go to mudwater.com tony to support the show and use the code tony for five dollars off that's mud tony use the code tony get five dollars off thank us later you know what we absolutely love i mean we swear by it morning noon and night kill tony reps liquid i v when we push our body hard or we're just feeling run down it's extremely important to take care of ourselves with the proper vitamins and nutrients that is why liquid iv created hydration multiplier plus immune support to maintain and strengthen your immune system you know about this ready yeah i actually have a whole cupboard just for my liquid ivs i've posted photos of this on instagram my favorite is the hydration multiplier plus immune support the mandarin orange one i love it i have one in the morning i have one at night i have one in the middle of the day i probably go through a pack of these every two days i swear and what excites me the most about it is that the hydration multiplier plus has vitamin c it boosts your immune system and at these times it's the perfect thing to have yep yeah no doubt vitamin c zinc and well-immune inconvenience single-serving packets to help strengthen your immune system works perfectly for me on the golf course i can get cold bottles of water out there or put them on ice and then you pop one of these packets in there it works out perfectly this way it's not sitting around all day it's fresh it tastes great everything is great about liquid iv makes you look better makes you feel better liquid iv can provide two to three times more hydration than water alone plus it tastes good what's more boring than the flavor of water the blend is powered by cellular transport technology which is designed to enhance rapid absorption of water and other nutrients the optimal ratio of glucose sodium and potassium delivers water and keying nutrients into the bloodstream faster it's the perfect balance to help you strengthen your immune system more quickly and effectively plus liquid ivs great people they donated 4 million plus servings in response to coven 19. products are being donated hospitals first responders food banks veterans and active military the company has donated over 10 million servings globally get your liquid iv hydration multiplier plus immune support in bulk at costco or order online and get 25 percent off when you do go to liquidity.com and use the code tony at checkout that's 25 off anything you order and you get better hydration do it today use the promo code tony at liquidive.com and we're back are you guys ready to start tonight's show by the way i forgot to mention somehow i forgot that the band is sponsored by fix alkaline vodka yes some really incredible stuff they uh have a less acidic vodka it's alkal alkaline and it's distilled 10 times and it's uh it's amazing it gives you if you have a lot of like heartburn when you drink or whatever it really helps with that and less hangover who doesn't love less hangover so try fix vodka then plus they support local artists like the kill tony ban uh ladies and gentlemen on this show we usually have an amazing guest today we've upped ourselves and we've had the uh probably the best possible [ __ ] guest we could have in the world a resident of austin texas everyone's favorite comedian ladies and gentlemen it's ron white everybody [Applause] [Music] yeah baby here he is [Music] oh yeah how could we forget that's right ron white has his own tequila number one tequila which uh we absolutely love and that's the name of the game right there my part of the show is brought to you by number one tequila everybody's got a different liquor sponsor here i'm obviously a white claw guy myself you know what i mean uh ron welcome back ron's one of the main reasons why we all moved here he's basically sold uh rogan on it he sold me on it absolutely incredible and we're so grateful that you did and uh you're an amazing guest you've done this a few times and we're happy to have you back i've never done it sober but i'm sober now and i'm not kidding i quit drinking two months ago but i still need you guys to drink this [ __ ] tequila cause we lost our best customer how cool is that how about a hand for him two [ __ ] months huh so awesome i love it and it's not all it's cracked up to me and you guys probably know if you don't if this is your first time maybe whoever brought you told you that how the show works but a bunch of people sign up before the show for the opportunity to get on it if your name gets pulled out of the bucket you come up on this stage there's actually a new holding cell upstairs filled with comedians right now and people in the audience also signed up but if i pull your name out of the bucket you get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage you know your time is up and you're the sound of a kitten that means wrap it up or else you're gonna bring out the angry fifth street bear and you don't want that there you go there you go there you go it doesn't yep all right uh you guys ready to start the show again i mean i don't know i don't know i don't know what it what austin this is a real live show are you guys ready to start this show it's weird it's really weird unbelievable all right well here we go i feel bad for whatever comedian has to go first in this [ __ ] storm tonight but here we go let's see what happens ladies and gentlemen your first comedian goes by the name of ben horn ben horn so here we go let's see how this new tunnel system works [Music] here we go [Music] hey hey here he is everybody ben horn [Music] thank you thank you uh everybody excited about these coveted restrictions getting lifted yeah i'm not i'm [ __ ] pissed everything was going just fine i didn't get sick once and this [ __ ] ever opens everything back up and boom chlamydia you know i mean it was kind of like getting the vaccine because i didn't know i'd have to get it twice but could have been worse she could have given me something worse than chlamydia she could have given me like a hand job you know i'll take dirty puss over a hand job any [ __ ] day pretty sure the last time i got a hand job i was at a middle school dance yeah and i was a chaperone so if you turn that into a pedophile joke that's on you i didn't get jerked off by a middle schooler it was a lunch lady which i think is worse all right i'm ben horn thank you very much ben horn ben horn ben horn welcome you've been on the show before right i have yeah yeah a few weeks ago what did we talk about what did we find out about you what was the highlight of that interview uh i was uh army for 10 years i work at h-e-b how about some noise for h-e-b huh that's always a crowd favorite yeah you know they actually uh so my department got shut down during the whole snowstorm and so we weren't working and they paid us for the whole [ __ ] week regardless for all of our [ __ ] hours which was awesome they're great man i heard they're getting some power stations put in there too in the future yeah yeah yeah very cool hell yeah you didn't uh you didn't block the snow and ice from hitting that heb with your thick ass mustache no it's i mean it's it you know the cocaine definitely gets stuck in there from time to time is that true do you do cocaine ben from time to time when you keep saying from time to time are we talking about all the time i mean if if somebody offers it and i don't have anything to do like why not and you hang out specifically with people that do cocaine typically yes yeah i hang out ironically a lot of people that do coke it's the wildest night you ever had on cocaine what does that look like you know i really don't get that crazy on coke i'm more of a drinker to be honest i'll do a little bit of coke just because i think it's fun and everybody smokes weed i don't smoke weed makes me too anxious what kind of drinking do you like to do what's your preferred beverage oh lone star i can smash i'll do i'll drink tequila for all day but lone stars might go too what's your favorite kind of tequila this one obviously clearly nothing better than this one tequila everybody oh ben horn marketing genius that's what i should have named it this one my god ben i really set you up there and uh you really knocked it right into [ __ ] the catcher's mitt yikes so ben what do you do at heb exactly i'm a personal shopper so whenever people do like the online orders i just walk around with a cart and just grab their [ __ ] and throw it in there and this thing about chlamydia is that true no no i have had it twice though okay in my life yeah what are the symptoms i i dude i don't honestly didn't get any symptoms i just when i was in well when your dick itches all the time you don't really notice that you have chlamydia you know so how did you know you got it he just went to the doctor he's like oh you have chlamydia again yeah well i've been i've al i've i'm super paranoid about stds because my dad used to like when we were kids used to just show us pictures of stds to like scare us from having unprotected sex and so when i was in the army and i had like access to a doctor all the time like every few months i'd just be like hey let me pee in a cup and tell me if i caught anything wow and they did it it makes you wonder how many times everyone's had chlamydia before and just never got it tested yeah that's why that shit's still one of these it's one of the silent stds it's a real sneaker have you ever had any other ones no just the two yeah sure come on come on chlamydia twice nothing else in this little fun packet of yours and that little uh let me ask you this is there a gigantic mustache above your dick as well you would think it would protect you from some of these disgusting juices that are splashing all over you i feel like that's how you get more of them it's just more [ __ ] to you know that's the eyelash for your dick oh yeah keep that bush going soaks it right in huh i feel like some girls should actually get a mustache shaved above their [ __ ] so that guys know where to put their [ __ ] face you know what i mean i think i most guys know exactly where to put their face actually i'm pretty sure they don't need a target for that it's not that confusing pretty sure the main thing that guys aim for is the vagina yeah all right ben how long you've been doing stand up uh like two two and a half years okay i started when i was a kid um and then stopped obviously when i joined the army when you say when you were a kid what are we talking about here i was like 13 wow i started you had already had chlamydia at that point right yeah that was the first time uh no i started it like cap city in the velveeta room and then uh before long i was able to like travel around texas a little bit do some local radio and stuff and then um i just when i got out of high school i needed something to do so i joined the military and i really thought i was going to do it for a career for a long time but then that didn't work out why didn't it work out um i just my body and brains you had another discharge that had nothing to do with chlamydia that deserved a bigger laugh if you're wondering uh you're wondering whether you guys are doing a good job or not not so much uh i'm doing my part but i mean i was uh i was infantry so it's just really tough on the body and mind and so uh at ten years you you don't have the op like your only two options are stand for another ten years till you retire or just get out and so at that point i was like i think i'm done with this i'm pretty sure i can do something else let me ask you what are your goals now with comedy do you want to keep doing it absolutely yeah when i when i first got out i was in school i thought i wanted to work in government and uh started just doing uh open mics and stuff just for shits and giggles and then i i hated working in anything politically political and uh and i loved doing the open mic so i kind of i just dropped out of school i just got any job that i could get that was gonna pay the bills and and now i just stay on stage as much as possible okay great absolutely man super likable fun set nice and tight you gotten up a couple times here on kill tony congratulations man we got the show started it's ben horn everybody that's what it looks like he's on instagram at the ben horn he's that guy man horn here comes zach bogus to switch out the microphone on this special sanitary episode of uh kill tony you guys having any fun out there this seems to be a real okay good good we're getting there it's building up drinks are flowing out there let's see what happens next with the comedy stylings of dan payatsky dan payatsky that's a name hell yeah it is dan [Music] dan payatsky coming down the stairway this is very good this new system is working how about a hand for antones everybody allowing live shows during the pandemic there he is here he is one more time dan pike hell yeah dude when i was going through puberty uh last night one of my favorite things to do was to measure my penis right like every three months roughly i would measure my p i can feel you guys pulling back right now let me explain something to the room every single guy in this room has done it before okay like every three months we would all measure my penis right and you're probably thinking like too often why every three months i didn't do it the normal way right like i use a tape measure or a meter stick you know instead i used my penis dude as the unit of measure to measure other things and that might seem even crazier but how else would i have known that my dad's pillow is exactly nine dicks long right found that out one day when he went out for a glass of gelato hell yeah measured everything my brother's toothbrush about a dick and a half our living room television that was a 17 dick tv yeah i remember this was middle school dude and my friend kevin was like dan i guarantee i have a bigger penis than you right and he did dude he had a two-dick penis it was wild yeah all right i'm dan i love you thank you there it is dan payatsky am i saying that right you did yeah yeah yes yeah all right well welcome to the show dan so let's just answer the question on everybody's mind how big is your dick um well it's about one dick long yeah it's um i have a one dick penis thank you yeah pretty good joke i don't know league average league average probably the same as yours probably not [Music] we found out recently michael lair saw your dick oh well we don't need to bring it up i don't like to brag about my obnoxiously long penis it's ridiculous no one needs it's not good for comedy people like to think that their comedian has a nice small insecure dick and that's what i exactly what i want you to do i was at your show at vulcan the other night and someone said you had little dick energy i remember that oh that's right yeah and you educated her and then what happened to that lady afterwards you actually tore herself yeah her soul was taken from her that's absolutely right just for the record no one gets away with anything like that so dan payatsky uh how long you been doing stand-up about four or five years four or five years absolutely hell yeah and uh all here in austin texas no i've been in chicago for two new york for two and then here awesome what made you move to austin seemed like great place at the right time rob white directed ron white lives here ron convinced you too yeah yeah we were on the phone yeah uh no i don't know it seems like the right place at the right time right right maybe like 40 clubs here by this time next year look at that absolutely no i completely agree with you you're like one of those game stop guys you got in while the getting was good this is going to be a massive comedy hub so dan what else what do you do for work i work at a tech com i do computer things what do you do on the computer uh i work at a fitness app i help women get into yoga classes okay yeah they book yoga classes through the company okay how do you find these women well i do i reach out one by one uh i offer them the no it's uh it's just like it's called product management what i work with a team of engineers and we we make some women just cracking yeah right now they're everyone's life they're like i love soul cycle this is hilarious i didn't even say what do you do for fun dan you seem like a little bit of a stiff to me well here's the thing i'm feeling stiff right now yeah but i'm uh uh oh you're about to measure something is that it yeah yeah nice no no i uh honestly i've been doing comedy as well what else other than comedy like there must be some outlet like you like to what shoot i like i do i cook a lot i like to cook for big groups of people i like having like people what's your big dish or what what's the thing that you really my big dish uh well or an average size dish hell yeah hell yeah uh i like making steak man i like uh i made crab salad today during the day yeah oh okay the last guy that was on had crabs as well uh yeah very interesting this is a snoozer isn't it that's okay is the what snoozer i don't know i don't know i'm really trying with you dan yeah yeah it's partly on you but uh yeah no i get it i get it i get it i love it can you tell us anything else about you over here dan let's not get distracted uh oh there's drums back there you're just really panicking right now for no reason everything's okay you're good okay uh anyway so dan anything else any fun facts about your life that we would be surprised to know about you would make sure uh i'm russian i uh i hang out with my grandpa i spent part of the reason i'm being you know weirdo right now is i just spent like the last 10 months hanging out with my grandpa he's 93 so wow wow and like do you go out and stuff and then come back no no no like i was living basically like for that goodness what kind of willy wonka [ __ ] living you guys sleep head to feet together oh yeah yeah yeah yeah golden ticket exactly yeah you have to change his diaper or anything yeah he like he can't go like his doctor told him he's got to go on walks and he can't even like leave his house so like he just like walks around his house like a roomba i don't know it's it's like he's he's bare yeah he's barely alive you don't ever take him on a walk you don't ever know no he's got parkinson's too which sucks like because he loves soup so you should make him like a tick-tock star or something you should get some money out of him while you can so bad at soup yeah have you measured his pillow yeah yeah yeah yeah that's a four and a half dick pillow yeah all right dan well like most russians it's hard to interview you you really like keeping uh secrets so but uh fun times you talked about your little dick a lot so that's exciting sure it is self-deprecating do you actually have a a a piece you had a big yeah he does no we're not gonna literally said i don't want to talk about it michael says it looks like a little baby arm okay that's enough holding another baby you got a notable piece red band that's enough i mean we're just sitting on stage here and you've got noticeable fun of my giant dick it's really insane all right dan fun times dude way to do it four or five years i can't wait till you're on again talk about something else thank you tony i appreciate it thank you guys let's do it there he goes dan piazzetsky everybody he's on social media at dan p comedy [Applause] hell yeah all right here's zach bogus for those of you that love dudes with serial killer energy you know tony i found out something about zach he uh used to work for two years as a general manager of an alta makeup company you know ulta wow he knows everything about makeup wow isn't that weird oh yeah okay this looks like an interesting name lane rumen lane rumen is next on kill tony here he comes right now to the stage very good [Music] one more time for lane rumen everybody [Applause] i uh i was watching football the other day uh at least a month ago and uh and i noticed that one of the punters was using one of those uh playbook wristbands and i thought it was weird because you're on the field for like a minute the whole game what could you possibly need to remember in a minute i think my dog is addicted to mushrooms i think he's paying my cat to knock him off the bookshelf i'm pretty sure he's paying my cat i don't know how my cat's getting all these sweaters my cat doesn't have a job and my dog's done so many mushrooms and he started getting really philosophical like he's teaching himself new tricks and uh and he's getting really snobby about old tricks uh like the other day i went shake and he goes you know there's a global pandemic right now right right elaine rumin absolutely i i didn't hear the cat did the cat go off yeah it did it just it just happened uh very soon it's gonna come sooner four seconds after he thought it would because he left space for laughter that didn't happen um no i when i was privacy i i paused a lot more and then i was told not to pause so much who told you that and my girlfriend i practice she was right i think she predicted how unfunny it was gonna be yeah you're not gonna need those pauses incredible stuff lane how long have you been doing stand-up uh roughly three weeks roughly three weeks okay congratulations that takes some balls right there absolutely that makes sense that explains a lot if you had said anything longer than three weeks i was going to prescribe killing yourself so very exciting did you start here were you on this show okay i went up first uh three weeks ago okay awesome who was the guest for that one um it was the uh oh boy sarah weinshank and jamar neighbors oh okay very cool how did that go would it go better than this yeah yeah it did did yeah it went a lot better is this only your second time performing no it's uh i did a couple open mics cool cool how did the open mics go for you uh the first one went really well and then the second one i bombed because i was getting heckled the whole time ooh who was heckling you just some drunk girl damn did you what'd you say to her did you try to get her back did you did you respond to the heckles at all uh i was i was pretty new at getting heckled so i didn't know how to handle it right start making fun of her like appearance it's really easy to [ __ ] girl captain obvious uh dr redman here with oh you should just make fun of them comedy guru yeah if they're asian an asian woman makes say her head's really big okay red band very weird jesus christ we're trying to stop asian hate on this show i don't know if you've been uh i don't know i'm just kidding i love it as as a lot of people know i'm just kidding so you didn't say anything back to her what was she yelling at you [ __ ] you you suck uh well i was i i was making a joke about how uh how i talk louder sorry i i was making a joke about how i how i look like i hate jews and uh and so she kept she kept like she was walking like almost onto the stage saying i'm jewish and uh and then like why would she why was she coming to this did you drop a coin or something like that why would she what would make her walk to the stage like that i i don't i don't know why we're trying to stop jewish hate here on uh gil tony i don't hate jewish people i just look like i do you should have said though she was like coming on the stage i guess my observation was right or something like that yeah okay it really makes you understand the heckle master brian redman again giving more advice you should you should have said something to her [Laughter] uh so is this true you have a dog and a cat uh yeah i have several dogs and several cats why do you have several dogs and several cats uh i feel like we went over this last time but just let's do it again okay you didn't even remember the show that you were on three weeks ago well i just couldn't remember the guest names tell us about your dogs and cats uh yeah i've got um i've got six dogs and three cats i did say last time um i misspoke it my my [ __ ] cat has cerebral hypoplasia i'm glad that you corrected that for us we had a lot of listeners contacting the kill tony hotline asking what was the exact condition of the [ __ ] cat on that episode with lane rumen well palsy sounds a little worse than hypoplasia or whatever cat cerebral palsy sounds worse than hyperplasia yeah well you know palsy's more wrecking was the cat offended like when you went home was the cat like lane sit down we have to talk about this yeah that's red band's impression of a [ __ ] cat we actually have [ __ ] cat sound effects but i'm glad that you're doing all right so uh okay lane what's something about your life that we didn't talk about last time that you were on and uh that we might find interesting have you thought about that in the past three weeks uh well something that happened in the last three weeks was i got bit by a dog on my face was it one of your own dogs no i was at work where do you work i'm a dog groomer you're a dog groomer yeah okay and what made it bite your face didn't like the haircut you gave it no it was uh the the owner didn't tell us that it bit and uh and i was trying to pick it up and uh and it left at my face wow that's awesome did you lock lips with it or anything uh for a minute wow was it a jewish dog okey-dokey uh really uh any second now this episode's gonna start i promise um pretty incredible so that's fun lane what's your girlfriend like what does she do uh she's also a dog groomer wow two dogs which we also discussed last time okay all right okey-dokey really really fun stuff elena interesting ron you have anything else that you want to say about this guy absolutely not i thought the uh i thought that was tired but two or three weeks been doing it you know that's uh if you only do stand up if you think it's fun so if you think it's fun just keep going every open mic you can and uh see if it doesn't just come around for you there you go i agree i'm giving real advice there it is three weeks into his career there he goes it's lane room and everyone there he is [Applause] r-u-h-m-a-n-n on social media hell yeah ron has a great little doggy uh is that your first dog you've ever had or you have a little french bulldog oh no mustard is uh i don't know i've had 50 dogs yeah not at once but i've had 50 dogs mustard's the [ __ ] yeah mustard is a great dog dog he's on the bus right outside oh i love it okay let's see what happens now i have a fee i have a feeling things are about to pick up here a little bit make some noise for your next comedian travis nathan ray travis nathan ray a three-word name these are always very promising [Applause] usually either a good comedian or a future serial killer travis nathan ray coming from the upstairs holding station here at antone's on fifth street in austin texas temperature here we go make some noise for travis nathan ray everybody [Applause] people's lips are the same color as their genitals i hate when people say that white people don't have any culture like this one time i overheard this girl say i should have never got that dog it's an aquarius didn't appropriate that from anybody i tried to teach myself how to wink my own butthole you know like the strippers do but ended up just farting on a mirror i really thought he would like that one more i'm wearing skinny jeans for some reason and there's like the seam up the middle you know like when you go to sit down if all your furniture like isn't in the same room it makes your nuts make a decision like at first it wants to go to the left and the last second it goes to the right that's called rolling a nut ladies don't have to worry about that for y'all it goes right up the middle you have a lip on each side but then it looks like someone tied a bandana too tight around the mouth of a ninja turtle okey-dokey travis nathan ray everybody there he is absolutely always exciting when we have the top half of a centaur on the show very fun welcome travis welcome welcome what's the name of your leonard skinner cover band that you're in i'm in a blues guitar band oh you are so okay you called it all right yeah i'm not going to say the name you why do i not what's the name the briars oh okay you guys play a lot locally we play around texas awesome we used to we weren't very good you guys broke up no we just stopped getting gigs what part of the band were you i was lead guitar wow okay absolutely how long you've been on stand-up comedy about two years two years awesome all of that here in austin is this where you live all college station like once a week in college station okay driving out here for this all right awesome i got i've been doing this 35 years you want a little tip yes okay look at the crowd when you do it right you just look you don't have to look at them you can look above them but it looks like to them that you're looking at them and then sell it whether it sucks or not so you you got a little lost a little confidence there at the end you like kind of squeaked out that last punchline while you were looking away that's never going to work stare them down deliver the line and they'll [ __ ] laugh or that's a great same thing's going to happen to you that happened to your band that's which is uh that's that's great advice that's the best comedy advice i heard since redband taught us all how to deal with hecklers a few minutes ago but no that's really good stuff travis what do you do for work you seem like an interesting guy i am a network analyst really yeah wow so like i was not expecting that i thought for sure [ __ ] pipe shop or something like that no there's a reason i pursue other things yeah what type of what does that mean exactly a network analyst you're on computers all day no like all the digital signs you see menus and fast food places when the prices aren't right they call me you know and you make the price right [Laughter] i love it what's your living situation you live by yourself i live with uh my girlfriend and her three kids oh wow her three kids how old are they uh seven eleven and fifteen seven do you have a favorite the middle one the middle one yeah natalie she's an artist she's awesome very cool the other two are kind of annoying which one do you hate sorry victoria what's that which one do you hate the 15 year old right we all know it yeah the 15 year old [ __ ] 15 year old am i right i've never had to say [ __ ] you to a kid so much right do they ever give you that you're not my real dad they do that and then you just say [ __ ] you wow i'm going to my room how about that hey look at that i like that yeah you do that on the stage well it's a garage i hide in the garage a lot yeah you got to you got to talk about that but i'm saying do you talk about is that part of your thing talking about how you live with your girlfriend with three kids and i'm going to my room no like that's that's good you see like you said that and it gets a big pop because then it's really about your life well i tried to do like the quick joke thing i don't know how to do the one minute in my life yeah but it was a winking stripper butthole joke right so okay so talking about your real life might be interesting you know yeah it really people can feel it even though it sounds weird and unbelievable people can feel when something's true and honest and that you're dealing with something although i honestly believe you've seen a stripper's butthole wink yeah i was in the air force for eight years right i've seen a lot of strippers wink their buttholes it's hard to do i've tried it how long have you been with uh that's a talent okay it just mine just keeps open oh okay there you go you're still going with it you're really chasing the dragon there anything else you have any more tags for this winking stripper butthole thing you're doing okay i'll keep it moving along then how long have you been with this girl that has three uh basically grown-up kids i've been with her for two years two years now how i mean like what is it about her that you like so much that you would deal with three kids i don't know she's gonna watch the show so well matt luckily i'm asking you what's good about her and not what's horrible about her like so if you can't come up with anything that's what's going to look bad to her she's nope come up with plenty of [ __ ] she's awesome she's beautiful she loves doing acid so oh there we go that's great she likes to makes us all very happy for that seven year old where'd you meet her at good question so i uh it was my co-worker's wife at the time this is at your network analyst job and you're like this price is not matching up correctly i'm gonna fix this right now i've never written a joke about this [ __ ] ever and then you're gonna bring this up now like it's time to start writing jokes about this [ __ ] so um i found out my wife cheated on me with like a whole wait you were married i was married found out my wife cheated on me with like a whole mess of dudes how did you find out uh it's different when i ask a question if you just let them answer the show moves on if you just say disgusting [ __ ] after every question it gets like a little bit then i have to ask again go ahead i discovered i was looking through my va benefits trying to get a disability for obvious reasons and i found when you're overseas if your wife goes to the hospital they put it on your records while i was in iraq she went to get a plan b pill [Music] [Laughter] how much was it would you say i'm gonna guess 39.99 hey [Music] yeah she went to she she got the plan b pill and i went to confront her about her cheating and she opened up to me about a different dude she cheated with not not the dude in the plan b dude no oh my god you're in iraq dealing with ieds and she's here dealing with iuds it's incredible again that was uh that was another really brilliant joke you can't make these things up there's no one that has like you can't just have a preparer to be able to do an ied iud joke like that but i get it there's a lot of initials there a lot of math to be done on a monday night so i don't blame you guys for that so do you know like who the guys were like or like were they white guys really interesting question just redman wants to know if it's his worst nightmare as well no actually it's funny that you would ask that because we were in japan at the time and it was all japanese dudes what she cheated on you with japanese dudes my god you must have like a four dick toothbrush or something like that or i'm not exactly sure how it works but that's not really cheating because it doesn't really go inside right by the way that's like the opposite of being cheated on by a black man you come home the apartment's cleaner everything's nicer like it's like the vagina's tighter than it was before i would actually allow that i didn't say i was mad about it that that is the only acceptable answer absolutely my god all japanese guys you guys were living in japan while you were in iraq yeah we lived in japan for like three years i was only deployed to iraq for a while out of japan and this came out i was with her for 13 years the final total once she was telling me every story the next story next story oh it was god it was over 30 people oh my god jesus christ all japanese 13th yeah well no we came back to the states and she landed some americans oh yeah okay so she got some americans on this uh list of uh so uh to bring the story back i found out about all the cheating and you decided to [ __ ] your buddy's wife okay all right all right all right beautiful did she make any money yeah wait john dee's with a question did she make any money no man i worked the whole time she went to school she never worked oh my god what did she go to school for learning japanese as [ __ ] thirty-three dudes no real [ __ ] answer of what she went to school for is way funnier but it's to do hair she went to do it it cost us 10 grand because she didn't want to go to a regular hair school she had to go to some other prestigious hair school wow guess what she does now what not cut hair oh my god oh my god yeah what did she do let me guess a hostess at a japanese restaurant no she works at a tire shop in a [ __ ] small town wow she's finally using rubbers that has to oh there you are okay just wanted to make sure that has to make you feel good though like [ __ ] you you work at a tire shop bro my girlfriend's so hot right now way harder than her so wow that's great look at that what an upgrade for you huh and let's be honest if you if you were stationed in japan uh you went to that strip club that was next to the base and you did those things with those strippers that uh what the [ __ ] is wrong with you redman did you he knows exactly what i'm talking about but sorry about this red band can you jerk off before monday's episode please like you are like i know a stripper from japan that worked there and she told the one that does the banana show yes what the [ __ ] is happening right now what type of pig festival am i in the middle of you guys all know the same strippers uh you would never forget her she puts a banana inside of herself pushes it out and makes a marine eat it yes really what were you hoping would happen hi coco entertainment i don't know my goodness gracious have you eaten the banana [Laughter] my goodness i'll tell you this travis uh fun stuff uh i mean an unbelievable interview you totally made up for the first three comedians lack of uh wanting to answer questions this was incredible and you've been prescribed some really good doses all this stuff that you talked about during the interview is infinitely funnier realer it feels like you it's your real life it's going to make you feel better about these things that have happened and you got to start really knocking it out because as you hear by the audience's responses this stuff's really funny man right on man i appreciate that hell yeah how about a big hand for travis nathan ray everyone he's on social media at travis nathan ray okay here we go time for a special treat you guys like special treats where's the real kill tony fans at here huh [Music] all right ladies and gentlemen your next comedian one of the kill tony regulars from los angeles california famous for his incredible roasting abilities and great joke writing ladies and gentlemen it's the real deal david lucas yeah uh you should not be labeled a lesbian if you're [ __ ] by a strap-on like scissoring is the only acceptable way to be a lesbian like to me lesbians and vegans are the same [ __ ] y'all both looking for replacements for real meat [Laughter] i'm convinced women that get [ __ ] by strap bones probably eat cauliflower wings too [Laughter] like [ __ ] just eat a real hot wing you know stop playing with the fake meat [ __ ] i hate uh i hate internet dating man i hate internet dating because uh [ __ ] be on there twerking in a profile picture but in the description it'll say no hookups like what the [ __ ] did you expect a walk on the beach [ __ ] i don't know what you wanted like to me that's greedy like you want to show your ass off but at the same time you want me to take you by candlelight and kiss you under the moon oh and i just wrote that joke [ __ ] man hell lucas doing real jokes getting real laughs acknowledging when a joke doesn't work getting a laugh off that i love it that's real comedy there yeah man absolutely a real good 60-second set david lucas lives in los angeles but spends now two weeks out of every month in austin texas yeah man i have my apartment here by may okay yeah all right getting a new apartment yeah though i'm gonna keep the park i'm gonna keep the spot uh la though okay yeah yeah all right you live that kind of life that's how your uh people like to spend money you know what i mean uh how do you like to spend your money tony what's that how you like to spend your money the same way yeah i was born and raised in an all-black neighborhood so i like to stay close to my roots you know tony's blacker than me his first car was like a crown victoria that's actually that's actually true yeah that's what i was saying like he had a crowd my first car was a honda accord damn exactly my god that's so japanese you could have [ __ ] the last guy's wife [Laughter] welcome david welcome back it's always great to have you in town yeah he was a sucker for that [ __ ] yeah i would have beat that [ __ ] ass really my goodness what would you do you would just get her in the missionary position and just let your weight go [Laughter] smother i mean you you're in japan you could've threw that [ __ ] off a building and they would've thought it was suicide david lucas is here you're talking about online dating is that true do you really try that yo are you on any of those sites or anything uh trying to see who watched this show that i [ __ ] with come on yeah i did some online dating i spent the premium money because you look like you eat plenty of fish [Laughter] and tony has subscribed to plenty of dicks oh come on p.o.d over here looking like lil nas xxl over here looking like klondike black hey tony i heard you was a silent investor in grindr actually i wasn't that silent about it at all uh hell yeah no i love it that's your uh also your favorite kind of sandwich right you put them you like you like to put them suits on so you can get naked real quick [Laughter] you just yeah unbutton it and pull it to your ankles yeah at least my pants can go to my ankles looks like they're gonna hit some real real real trouble there when those pants hit those swollen kneecaps of yours sorry baby hold on a second let's just [ __ ] with my pants halfway on let's do it you keep your t-shirt on while you [ __ ] like when you swim no girls that [ __ ] with fat boys want the whole experience girls be telling me taking that [ __ ] off oh yeah then you take your bra off afterwards still oh god damn tony i always miss it when you go away for a couple weeks it's so much fun to have yourself oh yeah bro what else has been happening david it's been a couple weeks since we've seen you let's see that's about it bro same old same old waiting for la to open up a little mo texas wide ass open i love this [ __ ] you know hell yeah still doing the same [ __ ] eating barbecue see them smoke house bowling acres still going down that's right i can't i actually accidentally forgot to mention that see i'm sorry best brisket in austin i might say yes brisket and [ __ ] which one cm smokehouse on lamar yeah i gotta take you there ron introduced me to uh the great terry blacks my first meal here visiting uh i was just visiting back in november to see uh see the layout with terry black's but trust me and yes you think it's the other way yeah man i i've ate at like eight nine barbecue spots in austin well you're you're uh you're you're really you're really good man you're really funny what are you gonna do are you just waiting to for oak rally to open so you can spend more time there and you're going to focus on this uh career doing stand up and i'm a community i'm a stand-up comedian career-wise i'm a door guy at the comedy store so uh it's just about having a balance because i've liked what uh i'm doing in austin as well because i got like a show that i do at the vulcan that's picking up pretty good very good and also you know a lot of big things coming to austin that i want to be a part of so you know it's nothing to fly back and forth it's like 90 dollars so to plant seeds over here and then still be in that l.a i love the honesty you're absolutely right it's 90 bucks you can't beat it no you can't beat it bro it's weird that costs more to drive here it's so weird it makes no sense yeah it really doesn't yeah i saw jet blue flights for forty five dollars a round round trip don't get on that [ __ ] bro that's soul plane ghetto bro that [ __ ] one step above spirit is no way you're totally wrong you must have been on one flight from like atlanta to [ __ ] detroit right i don't [ __ ] with jetblue i went from atlanta to detroit it was like soul plane i swear zimbabwe the other day you wouldn't believe how many black people were on the flight i feel like they're going to change it though they're like just getting us all used to it and they now know where they're gonna be oh it's 600 now for a round trip well i will say jetblue got your best unfortunately it's going to take a while for the economy to get back to where it was just a couple years ago when everybody was complaining about everything yeah anyway uh uh we'll see we'll see man you know all right but yeah i'm a la guy at the end of the day ron i've been out there since i was 19. i was there yeah left my home in georgia that's right how are your parents joining my mama cool she uh just got a new iphone so she don't call me anymore show me facetime okay that's kind of annoying yeah but other than that she's chilling bro i don't know what my daddy doing i talked to him in like three weeks oh wow yeah you know you know though yeah the rumor is true with black people we don't right you don't we all got the best relationship with our fathers yeah he doesn't want to facetime right now he's got to turn on the speaker phone out in public so everyone else can hear it i think he got an android on some real [ __ ] i thought he got android okay all right well uh david amazing set as always always so much fun a real professional showing how 60 seconds is done there he is the great david lucas everybody he writes and performs a brand new minute every single week what stay in texas there you go there's the head of austin tourism right there in the middle of the room the guy's got children back in los angeles sir yeah let him go see his kids every once in a while all right just go flush it away okay corey wolf corey wolfe is next on kiltoni how about a big hand for the band everybody come on yeah out here just killing it who knows what can happen hopes and dreams on the line here at kill tony a lot of people prepped months or years for this some people decided today that they would sign up never know what's gonna happen corey wolfe on the way to the stage [Music] all right here we go oh yeah here she is everybody come on one more time for corey wolfe everybody what's up everybody some of you think i was a man i get that a lot that's the 80s i blame that vampire movie with corey haim yeah anyway jesus [ __ ] christ i just moved to austin like four months ago i'm feeling like a [ __ ] character in a biblical movie almost or just a bible what the [ __ ] i've seen i've read the bible we all are but it's like i came here out here on a whim and now i'm up here and i'm trying you know i kind of knew i was going to get called because i'm a woman for one and the way i signed the paper i signed it on the bottom to make it so that they cut the thing bigger and the bigger ones sift to the top so i cheated a little bit anyway actually incredible you are actually right about that there is an extra like i would say a quarter of an inch in width to that as you see compared to the average size uh piece of paper very smart incredible that you would so strategically try to get selected on the show and prepare less than nothing for it i know if you put half as much thought into what you were going to say if you got picked into getting picked yeah what were you thinking um it worked what part of it worked i i don't know i like i have this thing like i don't gamble unless i'm gonna win but i [ __ ] did it no you made it to the casino and then you lost yeah that's true i i've only clocked like 40 minutes of stage time so far okay so you just started how long you been doing it for 40 minutes or like okay oh my goodness march march okay so you started in march but we all know you're famously from uh the hit show daria yes you started and what made you start in march um i just got out of the house you just got out of the house heck yeah how many cats do you have none i have three dogs three dogs yeah you live by yourself no i live in a very competent house a very what competent competent i thought you said compton me too like oh you live with a bunch of black people that's cool wouldn't it guess that yeah and yeah i balance it out what does that mean a competent house what does that mean to you um it means they brush their teeth and they do dishes oh good ideas okay all right who are these i don't i don't know what's happening tonight this is a wild one yeah are you on meth or something are you a i drank a man i drank a cup of coffee oh when i hadn't drank a cup of coffee in like a year and now i'm like dissociating when did you drink this cup of coffee that has caused all this disruption with you like 7 30 like it was terrible 7 30 tonight yeah and yeah it's not cocaine i swear austin what made you do that what made you decide to have a cup of coffee at 7 30. um i was gonna go gamble okay all right what's your love life like yeah i'm single oh we know but what's your love life like oh um well i've been proposed to seven times in my life you've been proposed to seven times in your life how why what the [ __ ] um [Applause] seven different people or one person ask yourself yeah right one one guy with a terrible stuttering problem one's proposing twice will you marry me go ahead explain to us how you've been proposed to seven times uh well i date people and i'm like i'm not gonna marry you until we've hit the five year mark and then they like asked me before and they're like will you marry me and i'm like not yet and usually about year three they uh they i figure out that they're lying to me about what um well i remember one time i was talking to my boyfriend and he revealed to me that he didn't know what the sun was made out of and i just like what a [ __ ] nerd you are what are you talking is that what this is you date like nerds right i no i treat low lives dude like what like like former meth addicts i'm not kidding how do you end up with these people they're funny i mean they're funny i i don't know i let the devil into my house what can i say what do you do for work um well they're not that funny they're i guess it's like what do you do for a living um i'm currently unemployed and no like why am i gonna quit that it's pretty awesome [Laughter] what did you do for work before you were unemployed um well i worked for burning man i cannot get a [ __ ] read on you for the life of me i keep going back and forth thinking you're a drug addict nerd she's a drug addict for sure right well i mean that's why you're asking the question what kind of drugs do you do um well i can tell you what i haven't done why don't you tell us what you have done um weed mushrooms lsd uh uh cops cocaine comedy so you're on the right track i think you know cocaine's a bad one and i you got to use it as a tool you know because right like that listen what dopamine does it is it strengthens that pathway in right yeah whatever it seems like before you do the cocaine it seems like you use the cocaine when you're signing up and the heroin when you're performing i know uh minutes i mean it's really tough what do you like to do for fun what's a big like other than uh stand-up comedy since march what's like a big outlet for you what do you like uh wandering outside wandering outside are are you a cat um a little bit i mean i well my last name is wolf so i kind of try and play that up a bit do you like peeling your skin off sometimes when the demons tell you no no i'm over that we made some peace all right other than wandering outside any other hobbies or anything uh that we would find fascinating about you corey wolfe um from arizona let me ask you this the main joke that you did in 60 seconds of uninterrupted stage time tonight was i just moved to austin now i'm here i know uh in your other comedy sets in the other 40 minutes that you've accumulated corey can you give us an example of like a nice short joke that you've written that you didn't do here tonight you have like oh yeah uh yeah that comedy part of the thing yeah yeah yeah uh austin is really interesting uh it looks like you guys [ __ ] took seven generations of legos and just [ __ ] mashed them all together you got the old west set you got the corporate hell set all mashed in together and i can tell you guys do a lot of cocaine here by the layout of the city all right uh wow this is all right sir random audience we have no idea who that man is uh we've never heard a voice like that before i can't believe a stranger in the audience would yell something like that um i can't believe that guy doesn't love horribly written lego jokes uh i think that's the guy that i like photobombed outside like they were taking a picture they're like weird and i gave him the texas cross oh my goodness gracious uh all right corey wolfe um i'll tell you this i mean through it all i gotta say one of the funniest performances by a female stand-up comedian we've ever seen it and it's really way better than schumer right anyway there she goes corey wolf everybody on to the next one my goodness [Music] ron i'm sorry i don't know what's happening here tonight uh clearly we have uh we have a tunnel coming from a psychiatric ward it's a special field trip there's a bus trip from i think we should nail that door shut and just open a new door yeah pretty wild some people like it when episodes are off they're uh off the hill i kind of get it though when you're listening to the audio it that that that bad shit's actually entertaining yep okay how about ben buck this sounds like a real comedy name ben buck oh look what it is over there ben buck is next on kill tony very fun stuff happening here we have a couple more special treats coming right around the corner here we know this here comes ben buck oh look at this this is the front door security guy this is very exciting here at antone's everybody the guy that let you in make some noise for ben buck [Applause] clap your hands [Music] from the front to the back where you at where [Music] stop it break it down like a pipe and lock it up now so i got my spot bumping the beat with the bumpy boxes getting a level lift to the edge you see one that you better compete glad i'll try to hit it so marvelously how y'all feeling [Applause] [Music] that was [ __ ] amazing uh i i think the more you know ben the funnier that actually is because he's one of the nicest people uh one of the most polite [ __ ] guys very just quiet and does his job here at antones he's been uh working the door at every single episode here and i certainly was not expecting i was not yeah that was [ __ ] crazy how long have you been doing uh how long have you been doing that for all right well i've been beat boxing for about like 10 years now so i'm 23 i've been doing this since 13. professionally since like 16. wow that's so cool and how can people find some of your work you can check me at ben buck beatbox and all platforms and uh spotify as well wow that is so cool my goodness what's up my god do the ladies love beatboxing does that work out does beatbox lead to ebox actually been bug box on the weekends what was that answer ben it's been bug eat box on the weekends okay you have a girlfriend or what's your move yeah shout out bailey she's at home bambi hey yeah bambi how about that oh dear all right okay so so either you don't understand what's going on or i don't understand what's going on i thought this was the rap open mic i'm so [ __ ] confused like oh my god i'm like these other rappers suck god damn honest to god you know what normally i would say you didn't do any jokes but i think the room needed a little [ __ ] jolt of energy there and i think i think you did it dude oh [ __ ] so cool what else do you do ben tell us more about you well my other favorite hobby is uh ping pong does anyone here like to play ping pong let me see it all right you wanna play some ping pong all right oh my god this is crazyness wow jesus christ my mind is completely blown how does he do it wow ben that is so [ __ ] cool man so do you perform shows like do you do this like during [ __ ] like yeah this was what i did before quarantine happened i had to pivot get a real [ __ ] job you were doing live shows entirely as income yeah for sure incredible do you have thursday night off yes i do i would love to have you open up the show at vault oh man i really appreciate that man thank you thank you wow look at that ben getting a little gig and now that we know now that we know what he does maybe every once in a while you can come up [ __ ] if we ever need a jolt of energy i'll just bring you up here and [ __ ] shock the audience hell yeah thank you i saw the band i've never seen out of all the whatever we've done here 10 12 whatever episodes i got i gotta say i looked over when you did went into the ping pong thing i saw the excitement on john dee's face looks like it was christmas morning over there so cool you actually got the band excited which is fun to see wait a minute [ __ ] i love it ben you're blinded by the light uh d madness said he he almost saw something for those of you listening to the podcast we don't have a mic for uh d madness for sure um so ben where did you meet your girlfriend mother of the rap show actually south by two years ago very cool what does she do she works for apple she speaks french for canadian tech support sounds like a weird bit but it's not no that's perfect and do you ever do any of your beatboxing tricks in the bedroom or anything like that i tried it just echoes like oh yeah she has a big vagina oh [ __ ] red band i love it ben so [ __ ] cool dude uh very very interesting stuff i've never thought beatboxing was so cool until you just did it [ __ ] thank you uh is there uh i already asked you where they can find your stuff right yeah you can find me anywhere at bimbug beatbox i have stickers at the front while they're at me yeah go get a sticker from ben buck on your way out one more time for ben everybody very awesome stuff very cool 23 is that right ben 23 [ __ ] years old this guy's gonna be a huge goddamn star yeah i can't wait to watch you thursday man he already is one half of run the jewels uh not the not the half that you guys probably know how cool is it actually let's bring up the other half around the jewels right you want to yeah let's do it uh this guy won the extremely rare prize in almost 500 episodes of this show only seven people ever have won a thing called the golden ticket which means you have to have an absolutely perfect 60 seconds and an absolutely perfect interview last week he re-emerged for only the first time since winning the golden ticket in iowa there's only been seven people to do it one in england one in australia five in america this is one of those guys in his appearance last week things went so off the [ __ ] rails it got so crazy in here that people are going to talk about it fans of the show are going to talk about it for years this is his third time ever on the show he's an anomaly let's see how it goes make some noise for the great aloe mean everybody [Applause] [Music] hey awesome [ __ ] texas i've been here for one week and that's all i gotta say [Music] [Applause] you guys i was uh fat shame the other day by myself it was real passive regrets the way it happened too see i've been at the gym and i was lifting at the gym upper body day so i was feeling real jacked chest back arms shoulders everything feeling real tight you ever come from the gym and you feel like you're the rock but deep inside you know you're more like the sponge anyway i go home take a shower get out the shower go to the mirror and wipe your steam off the mirror swipe swipe and that's why i [ __ ] up that second swipe usually i just do one swipe all i need to see is head and shoulders anything more than that will mess with go on inside for myself you see that second swipe happened and i stopped moving and my midi kept shaking and it [ __ ] me up now if you don't know a midi is a man titty i've had them all my life when i was a boy they were bitties but now they have hair on them so they're midis i don't want to talk about it aloe mean absolutely talking about it getting it out welcome back alo hey good to be here good to be here last week was crazy the episode hasn't come out yet we've been we have a couple episodes banked because we did some road shows so people don't even know exactly what happened i don't really want to give anything away to this audience that might see that episode and i don't want to scare anybody or frighten anyone can be talked about a lot though it's a definitely a highlight in kill tony history um long story short uh yeah yeah let's not let's not even do that aloe how's your week in austin texas been it's been crazy man no wait i want to find out what the [ __ ] happened what happened last week was um so uh don the great donnell rawlings was here and donnell famously um housed david lucas in a roast off donnell did his research when on his first appearance on kill tony as a guest a couple years ago and he researched the show deeply and he realized that david lucas likes to make fun of the guest um and uh donnell decided to get ahead of it by making fun of david and not letting david talk and since then they've gone back and forth and whatnot but donnell specifically did not want to get roasted by david lucas and last week david wasn't here but aloe mean was and uh donnell made a single joke about aloe means something about his genes and aloe decided to summon all of the gods and devils that have ever existed in the world and let and he uh and he made fun of donnell until basically uh donnell left yeah um in the middle of the show he went to the bathroom and then uh the eternal bathroom of the exit door it was uh i guess everywhere's a bathroom out there according to the homeless population but pretty wild aloe you are the first person in kiltoni history to make a guest leave the show yeah that was intense i really wasn't planning on that i didn't expect him to be here i saw him walk on stage when the show started and my mind just flipped into if he comes at me i got to be ready to come at him and it was wild he didn't have time to prepare he did not know donnell was going to be the guest but when the moment hit aloe absolutely went into uh went into survival mode and it was pretty crazy it was awesome so aloe what else has happened this week in austin texas that's interesting a lot a lot of hanging out over there by um other spots vulcan i went to david lucas's [ __ ] crazy ass show last night that's just dope y'all out here check that out um i see me there yeah i saw you there you walked right past me that's okay ah i was i was wearing a mask though i was wearing a mask now you want to bother you about to get on stage so i know how that goes awesome no i wish you would have at least said hi but yeah i probably should have you also got to witness thursday danny brown almost beating up steve burns yeah that was so crazy did you see me almost get attacked by us yeah i did i saw i saw him standing at the front of the stage [ __ ] very wild uh thursday night we did a show and i was doing jokes about chinese people just jokes you know what i mean no big deal and uh and it turns out that i deeply offended a chinese man and he decided to come right up to the front of the stage and stand there staring at me like he was going to physically do something which in turn led me to uh make fun of him and the chinese people relentlessly thinking that he would eventually leave angrily minute after minute he decided to stay there i kept doing more chinese jokes and he started to physically threaten me at which point they uh the three security guards had to uh escort him towards the exit and i said that's what i call chinese takeout [Music] the rest is uh the rest is beautiful he's been he's been tagging me on post oh really instagram yeah funny thing is that he actually said that i was making fun of the killings at the spa that happened which you were not i never made a joke about that in retrospect i sort of wish i did i would have had i thought about it but uh but i didn't um but it's interesting how someone will lie in order to make their story see right he wants to cancel me for a chinese takeout joke that hurt his feelings i probably shouldn't say chinese take out three times in front of you aloe or you're going to have a gonna have a blood sugar attack right now so you're leaving tomorrow yeah i'm flying back tomorrow aloe lives in iowa by the way i know i know if i gave you a hundred guesses you probably wouldn't guess that you live in iowa then that's where you're born and raised yes sir yeah we grow up we go black people out there and corn there's a few it's a small plot of black people but we're out there though okay like what are you what do you what did your parents do for work like what did they do in honor my dad he did a lot of stuff that i probably you know i can't really mention but my mom was a teacher for over 25 years okay all right your dad was like involved in some criminal criminals he dabbled in a little bit of this a little bit of that you know i didn't see him too often you know maybe selling little baggies of corn or whatever you ever think about moving or are you just like you know what i was like i've always dreamed about living in iowa dreamed about yeah what's what's the move because you know appearance is like uh especially like last week you know it had all of us really and what you did in iowa you know so you think about getting out of there i think eventually i mean this is a nice spot if i did come somewhere it seems like this is going to be the new spot to be so yes i think that's the plan how many do you think aloe means should move to austin texas there you go that's what i think it's a little local encouragement hey i want to say something uh at the show thursday i did some nerdy [ __ ] uh ron white walked past me after he [ __ ] destroyed as ron white does and i just i didn't know what to say to him so i tapped him on he probably remembers he attacked him on the shoulder and i'm like hey good set man that's all i could come up with like we're at an open mic or some [ __ ] and he was like yeah i just kept walking so i'm glad i get to come here oh man i hope i wasn't shitty was i shitty no no not at all but that's the response i deserve for coming at you like good set man that's all i just tapped you're walking by i was like good set man that's awesome i love did you remember that ron no you shouldn't you shouldn't non outcomes if i wouldn't have seen you now to remember that for the rest of my [ __ ] life though if i would have seen you now i get some redemption so cool man well you just had a good set in front of them a fun interview fun times aloe mean thanks for coming all the way from iowa golden ticket winner golden ticket for the seven people that have won it that means they can anytime they're ever in a city where a kill tony is they get to do a spot so it's a pretty cool little uh little award very rarely given still never one given here in austin texas not yet could be next could be the next name i pull out of the bucket the odds are only like one in two thousand but it could be all right your next comedian goes by the name of tim warner tim warner that sort of sounds like a familiar name we'll see what happens here [Music] everything is moving along smoothly yep yep there's only about we only get through about uh seven or eight maybe on average of these names and that's always how it's been it was more in at the comedy store it used to be about a hundred oh we know this guy one point oh yeah this guy's back from last week ladies and gentlemen tim warner everybody yeah yeah yo so 2020 i kind of think it was a war on hope you know what i mean like [ __ ] we had an election how do you have any hope in that you know i kind of think like voting in this country is kind of like choosing between the best glory hole you know what i mean like no matter which one you choose it's going to be frightening right stick your dick in the left hole or the right hole to bite it off then what you got a buddy in the background who's like hey why don't you stick it in the independent one and you're like i am but nothing's happening this seems like a complete [ __ ] waste of time right everyone's so happy that [ __ ] biden's in and it's just like look i understand trump necessarily wasn't the president we needed but he was the kind of the man we deserved you know we suck kind of collectively and him sucking is not the [ __ ] exception we have been founded by scumbags history is written by the winners and now they write memes there you go a little bit of a deep cut little manifesto by tim warner i thought he was going to pull out a gun and shoot all of us at the end of that pretty exciting stuff such stand hope energy yeah you have a real you're a real prophetic type of uh delivery yeah i've been right a lot hell yeah man uh so tim you were literally on last week oh we have the former president of the united states donald trump on the line what do you think about that set i've been watching you for the last couple of weeks okay thank you mr president uh do you think do you think you'll ever come on and uh be a guest it can happen wow all right that's very fun what do you think about the uh what do you think about the job that uh joe biden's doing right now that is a huge problem oh okay wow it's a shame you really got quiet there mr president you're not a nice person you're right i'm not okay anyway uh here we're back here with tim warner tim last week we talked about a bunch of stuff about your life and this and that what didn't we talk about what's some interesting stuff about you that uh we didn't find out oh wow let's see new york homelessness um for those of you that weren't here last week i said that his barber is an oompa loompa or no one from munchkin yes i'm a nazi i performed at the capitol building on the day of the insurgent uh what else are you gonna do i'll eight mile this [ __ ] and get the jokes out of the way of all the stereotypes it's okay answer the question that i asked you um i mean i don't know we didn't really i mean other than just like me traveling around uh after i escape new york on election day and just you know i go to like aaa meetings in the day and then i do this [ __ ] at night and the perspective during you know this medicinal martial law uh it's just been so fascinating and it's been such a benefit to me because i just don't think there's a lot of let alone people let alone comics that are really getting the perspectives and being able to at least formulate the premises that hopefully i can put some punch lines on okay you know how long have you been sober tim oh geez now it's uh 607 607 days 607 days good for you buddy uh thank you when you go to these aaa meetings during the days they're like do you have like a killer story they know a meetings they tell great stories about like how they ended up in the i i don't here's the thing i don't want to dwell i don't want to put my energy on a past that wasn't successful where i was a loser so i tend to dwell on now and then hopefully what i could do in the future you know like the idea that like gratitude is an action word so it's like rabbit gratitude gratitude oh gratitude very silent g on that yeah it's uh sorry it's uh it's an action word and like being the best version of you is saying thank you to the universe you know what i mean like this is this is a [ __ ] gift and like being in new york especially this past [ __ ] year you know it's like you're not even guaranteed the next [ __ ] hour you know and then it's like going to places where you know like new york you can't [ __ ] do this they banned fun and like to go to places where you can have fun and watch people take it for granted um i don't know it's kind of a beautiful thing to watch and also heartbreaking you know wow it's uh it's one of the least funny answers i just started thinking of all my boys back home and [ __ ] back in new york you know you get busted doing a show outside by cops [ __ ] right and if the governor catches you he's going to grab your breasts yeah they gave him the [ __ ] clinton roll and all of this but he's a [ __ ] they're all scumbags all right tim well you got up last week you got up again tonight we're just gonna speed through it it was so much fun to have you back definitely a different type of style ron white what do you think about tim warner uh great stage presence and that's always a great place to start so you got that going for you i could understand every [ __ ] thing you said i just didn't understand why you said it perfect tim warner is online at i am tim warner all one word there he goes tim warner everybody all right all right we're doing it we're getting through it what do we do we started 10 minutes late right let's go back to the bucket again let's see what happens here we had a couple quick ones that we went through we're coming around the mountain top here zach bogus a little bit of extra sanitizer on that one this time huh just kidding kidding tim okay let's see what happens next hunter stower hunter stower okay here comes hunter i do believe a very confident walk [Music] that might be hunter it could be hunter and it's not hunter there goes that was l cool j a random human being getting through security zack bogus just watching him walk by him yeah just letting him up into the green room very interesting okay here comes hunter stower hell yeah guys make some noise for your comedian hunter stower [Music] all right let's get it out of the way immediately i look like shaggy and velma had a kid yeah i can jankies and zoinks i can solve the mystery but only the mystery who who smoked my weed it was me it was me i do smoke a lot of weed i smoke weed at a competitive level you know like if there was no limit category for weed smoking i would definitely forget to qualify for that [ __ ] you know yeah i'm way more productive when i have we too because when i don't i spend a lot of time looking for weed and that that's counterproductive i have a really stressful job anybody else yeah mine's super exploitative i can't really talk about it it rhymes with human trafficking all right i think i have time for one more uh when i was a little kid yeah when i was a little kid my parents told me that my dog left to go live on a farm because they were protecting me from the truth that she crashed a boeing 757 into the pentagon 911 was an inside dog job thank you okay hunter stower welcome to the show hunter uh hell yeah did you propose to the girl that was on uh earlier in tonight's episode you ever proposed wait the the one cory wolff ring a bell to you i met her out here i'm actually married though oh you're married i am married yeah okay how long you been married for about two and a half years oh cool yeah that's awesome what does she do uh i'm a single family household single income household right now okay what do you do i'm a human trafficker like the joke okay what do you really do no i'm i do recruiting and immigration so i am a human trafficker it's just like my people want to be trafficked what exactly are you talking about like imagine you're really like reaching for a joke and we just want to know it's real like i'm a recruit i told you i do recruiting and immigration you want a job you recruit people that want america somebody's in mexico they want to be like a business systems analyst like an industrial engineer what do you mean they just walk up no i can help them get a visa i know how to do immigration work did these people ever hit you up there's a hundred thousand people a day that just walk over the border that uh that don't even know they tend to not have industrial engineering degrees oh i see they're the smart ones they're the ones that we want they're the the ones that trump wanted all right i'm so confused i'm really you just wait till somebody comes across with a briefcase and you talk to them is that yeah it's actually how i met my wife she had a briefcase yeah she was the one with the briefcase yeah i was love at first sight i love it she's from columbia so yeah oh cool yeah yeah colombian women are beautiful out of flex it's just a fact yeah yeah she's probably way too good looking for you right she is yeah absolutely does your wife have a juicy butt um yes by american standards absolutely but by medellin columbia standard she's like like a seven and a half years okay yeah they're gonna be honest with you that's good on colombian standards redband also has a seven and a half sizes kill it in colombia hunter how long you've been doing stand-up comedy four years four years i like it you have charisma i didn't really get the boeing 757 joke it's just 911 was an inside dog job i really like saying that okay yeah it works sometimes what do you like to do for fun hunter you seem like a guy that has some real hobbies i just do this and i rock climb that's it you climb rocks i climb rocks yeah boulder ever been bouldering all right there's a gym there's like several gyms anybody boulder all right i'm [ __ ] weirdo i guess you guys no okay i like it you have uh what scares you what are your biggest fears you have any weird fears you afraid of anything cancer okay do you think you have it a lot all the time like every single time i have like a burp or get like any kind of indigestion it's like straight where my mind goes yeah yeah i'm sort of with you on that i deal with that 100 yeah oh yeah yeah i've been dealing with not enough to stop smoking spliffs or anything like that but you know ever since i had the coronavirus back in december the uh lingering symptom which i had sometimes before uh but now i have it almost every night is night sweats oh yeah you ever have night sweats i guess i mean i had it i was asymptomatic i i don't know i figured i just maybe was a sweaty dude that normally happens though if you drink a lot of alcohol though i do drink a lot of alcohol at night so that's probably where it is what kind of alcohol do you like whiskey makers marketing coca-cola brand loyalty okay you ever ever try uh number one tequila or fix high alkaline vodka no well you offering me some you should okay i'll i'll go get some yeah absolutely right after this yeah yeah definitely where do you do your stand up you've been doing it four years where do you oh yeah i moved here in august uh i started doing it in the bay area okay like oakland san francisco is that where you lived there for a while or like since like 2011 and then i just took advantage of kobe to become remote for my work and i moved here permanently when did you move here exactly august oh cool we actually met on new year's eve oh i do remember you that was so cool you offered me mushrooms yeah i remember you now yeah you were sitting underneath he was sitting like underneath the table and uh he really was and he's like hey man if you want some mushrooms i'm like i'm actually good right now i was getting pretty lit it was a long drive it was like it was like 40 minutes north of here or something right fredericksburg it was the barrel and amp show that was fredericksburg yeah the barrels and amp show right georgetown georgetown georgetown yeah they sound the same to me i was just in fredericksburg for the first time my buddy uh my buddy kyle took us to a ranch i got to shoot guns and i actually cut down uh used a chainsaw for the first time in my life thank you very much grew four chest hairs that day for those of you counting how many chest hairs tony has i'm up to nine wow nine i love it uh you do mushrooms a lot yeah i did mushrooms yesterday not today though just but i mean i just forgot you know it's fun that's fun hunter uh what do you think about hunter mr ron white uh you know i like it just it needs a lot of uh stage time but it looks like uh you know you got something to say and uh uh are you gonna you're gonna stay here in austin because yeah yeah all these guys just need a bunch of stage time you know just find a place to get on stage and stay on stage and that in austin's going to be a great place for that in the future i don't know why everybody runs out there and wants to be the door guy at [ __ ] the comedy store when the work is all in the midwest you can come out here be an opening act do 10 shows a week we're out there you know you do one show up so i think it's a good spot for you man i encourage you appreciate it there you go absolutely you have uh you got it you heard it from the man himself there it is hunter store everybody s-t-o-e-h-r on social media i don't know what do you think should we go to the bucket one more time guys i don't know that wasn't very convincing should we go to the bucket one more time there we go there we go let's see what happens here [Music] that is true so many people want to be the door guy at the comedy store and they really do like it like two minutes here two minutes there where they could be like the funny bone in columbus ohio and get like five nights a week you know it's crazy well there's two schools of thought on it right it depends on their work ethic like if you're work ethic and you're it's just a different thing if you want to get better i would say if we're talking comedy science here i would say if you want to get better at hanging right networking uh looking for opportunities if you want to study the art form more if if you're at the comedy store you can do that if you yourself want to get better and get stage time yes being on the road could be good but there could also be competition there it goes both ways i think every year it changes like and you can also get a lot of spots in la but i agree with ron right now austin's the place to be over definitely over columbus ohio but a lot of people yeah it just depends on the person it's weird and when that person gets to the comedy store anyway who knows let's see what happens here your final comedian out of the bucket tonight's gonna go by the name of philip garcia [Music] and then yeah and also if you get stage time where you're from and then you go to the comedy store and become a door guy then you sort of have like everything right no no you skip the whole [ __ ] door thing you go out in the midwest do middle and comedy clubs doing a half hour a night seven nights a [ __ ] week sharpen the blade till somebody gives a [ __ ] in california and you go out there and skip that whole goddamn door knob absolutely that's what you do all right well it's brainwashed yeah cuz i got a career from working the door at the comedy oh it's philip garcia [Applause] uh my dog just died everybody yeah every uh every family dog that's ever died we've made sure to bury in the backyard anyone else yeah i don't see a problem with that well yeah but we've been renters our entire lives it's been leaving a slew of dead dogs in every house we've ever lived in [Laughter] we're like a family of like three boys too so there's gonna be like two goldfish a turtle and a boston terrier in some backyard in austin texas an archaeologist is going to be digging that [ __ ] up and be like what the [ __ ] happened here a lone star beer just came out the 24 7 brew it's 2.2 alcohol so you can enjoy the shitty taste of lone star all day now what the [ __ ] can't help but wonder how many step kids are getting beat half as hard though you know but twice as long are we solving anything how much are water bills and trailer parks going through the [ __ ] roof you know all right two birds i'm stoned i've been phillip garcia i feel like that's yeah there we go wow what a performance unbelievable perhaps one of my favorite sets that i've seen here in austin texas that was incredible even d madness and the band agreed d-man has said even he sees greatness in you phillip thank you uh incredible how long you been doing stand-up i've been doing stand-up three years about like two weeks ago two yeah three you hit your three-year mark two weeks three years yeah actually last time i was on you told me to uh break up with my girlfriend of three years because love wasn't real i was 23. is this true how long ago was i was in dallas we were in dallas highness and uh uh this was like three years ago no this was a year ago okay almost and you told me you asked me how hot she was and i said eight out of ten and when she uh when we broke up she's like i couldn't believe you would rate women on a numerical scale i told her i was like that's kind of bringing you down to a six right now so i think you told me to write more and i have been so i've been on my [ __ ] for you wow look at you how did it go a year ago i'm sorry but like those dallas shows get crazy sometimes i can't remember everybody three in a week and it's pretty jam-packed you get lucky but yeah uh it went that one went great too i did a amber alert bit which is i've never seen a car newer than 2010 i think you like that one too yeah and i said you ever seen a really old veteran with a really old asian woman and wondering if he took her that's what you got [ __ ] jokes bro this is like this is usually how the this show starts is with people doing jokes very rarely is it uh in the very very end do we have pull someone out of the bucket that actually uh did something other than figure out how to get their piece of paper larger than other people very awesome phillip well she said that i was in the bottom right of the first sheet and i saw that big-ass fat forum get people i was like maybe this [ __ ] is up to something right now you know what i mean really yeah you really saw that that's so cool yeah we upstairs watching so we're having a good time that is awesome man so philip uh what do you do for work uh man i used to do comedy it was just i was living at my mom's and i was attainable uh but now i'm doing pest control because the pandemic i hate digging through rat [ __ ] but i'm just getting out every night and still trying to go up and do my thing you know yeah i got to do what i got to do at least it's a day job so you can get out at night yeah for sure pest control seems like one of those things that i just simply no matter what and i bust tables and bag groceries i did [ __ ] every miserable job when i was growing up and uh but pest control seems like one of those things that must be rough huh smells [ __ ] disgusting yeah yeah you just have to go to the most disgusting people's houses yeah and they wonder why they they have bugs i'm like it's because you keep having watermelons and leaving them around the house as decoration this is this is bug hawaii like other bugs are saving up to come here with their families lady i don't know what to [ __ ] tell these people holy [ __ ] do you have a horror story do you have something that's just completely yeah what's the worst pest thing any bed bugs like any bed bug stories like i go home and i tell my girlfriend like hey let's just uh burn these in the chimney tonight and not have to worry about it that's why i was really impressed by the beatboxer but then his name was bedbug and i was like ah sorry dude i'll i'll tell other people to listen but i just can't because of flashbacks it was ben buck it wasn't book back [Laughter] you're just having you're just having flashbacks to bed bugs over here yeah i can't believe man ron white dude i'm sorry man i i grew up listening to blue collar comedy tours like the first digestible comedy i listen to it's just sorry well i feel like a loser well watch this watch what he's about to say to you right now incredible what do you think about that performance ryan yeah yeah how old are you i'm 24 24 i didn't start doing stand-up until i was 29 so your light years are where i was at 24 when i was just smoking pot watching cartoons so i would encourage you to go with this full blast man you got really good punch lines and it's really interesting you made the three of us laugh out loud and uh yeah and that's not the easiest thing in the world to do so congratulations for that and thank you so much appreciate it and phillip i don't think i've ever done this before but i would also love to have you on the thursday show if you can do it vulcan of course yes thank you and you know what i'm actually doing a tony hinchcliffe and his current friends on april 17th at vulcan you gonna be in town april 17. i can be from dallas would you do a spot on my show as well 100 i'd love that yeah awesome you'll do a spot there as well thank you and also uh i'm doing acl live in december and uh i just wanted you to know i was doing it no big deal i love it philip have you been signing up every week for this show uh this is actually the first week i came down to austin to get on oh you live in dallas i live in fort worth yeah okay yeah okay y'all are all from fort worth no is that what no okay wrong way all right well uh well how about uh how about you uh how about you come back in a month you let me know message me on something tell me that i you know get my attention say you promised me or something like that and uh and instead of just uh signing up we'll give you an automatic minute i'd love to see another minute every single joke you do kills thank you so let's just do it that's basically everything that we could give you got you it was april 2nd and april 17th right yep it's thursday eight o'clock vulcan gotcha this guy just got three gigs from doing one appearance on kill tony come on make some noise for philip garcia everybody huh man that's what happens that's what happens if you do [ __ ] jokes on a show about jokes [ __ ] things can happen for you we like people that do good at comedy believe it or not even his comebacks even him just talking yeah back [ __ ] kills jokes quick fire jokes philip garcia is on social media at philip with two l's philip g414 all one word follow that guy 24 years old i guarantee you he's gonna be big he already is all right this is the final comedian of the night ladies and gentlemen you want one more special treat huh this guy a regular on the show now lives here in austin texas high level black belt second city master improviser once he got diagnosed with als became a stand-up comedian knocked it off his bucket list we fell in love with him made him a regular immediately now he has the tough task of writing and performing a brand new minute every single week on this show everybody else you saw tonight has been preparing for months and this and that this guy has to do it every week and he does it every week ladies and gentlemen it's the great the powerful michael lehrer everyone here we go this is how you close the show here in austin texas thunder and lightning [Music] guys make some [ __ ] noise for michael laird [Applause] [Music] [Music] um my [Music] i [Music] okay michael here everybody uh all right for those of you that missed last week uh we found out that michael lair has been on a three-week cocaine bender and uh it appears as though the effects are really starting to show um michael uh what's up um i'm dying quickly in this time then mushroom [Music] he's dying quickly in a town that's the most ratchet than any other town he's ever lived in right that's right right look i am i live a corner mile away from this menu and i tried to tame my hair every time in the inland john and the last concave michael wait wait it was indiana jones the last cocaine is that what he said yeah he lives a quarter mile from here he drove here in his wheelchair and it was like indiana jones in the last cocaine wow when we understand it it's quite incredible what the heck what's going on in that brain of his yeah yeah i'm losing the ability to smile and i'm i get off here every week and i'm giving my mom but a lot of people think that means i'm getting better when i'm not so [ __ ] y'all there you go absolutely there's a little button on that one right there huh yeah als is a tremendous disease but just to let people know i don't force michael to do this he wants to do it uh for those of you wondering he says that this is the highlight of his life and that he loves doing it every single day [Music] [Laughter] when me and tony and raymond were in miami when we went to miami yeah and um on the last day of the five shows i was burnt how are you you sound worse than you do after [Music] i'm like give me the [ __ ] microphone and he goes yo i can't give him and i can take him i got no doubt and i'm getting sick enough we're after katie 500 i don't know how many shows [Music] [Music] and i've never been to a city so [ __ ] um let me know it is true your disease has progressed a thousand miles an hour since moving to austin texas um you know when the central uh multiple party districts and i would like to call all mars and clumps on 16 the staff infection ah [Laughter] some good [ __ ] local humor right there when um i'm i mean my [Music] [Laughter] don't make that sad face like oh he's looking at his nose [Laughter] and my life is a nightmare like no i'm not [ __ ] around anymore like i gave family and friends for like oh you're traveling you're doing these cool stuff but 99 of my life no fun and nightmare and i don't know how much i've left to give me on when i was doing until i there you go absolutely absolutely why i would like to say this we're dealing with a vaccine soreness i crazy and have soon i got it when i make rules for people who should not get a vaccine and i live on mainly stream and if you ever pure a hamburger on rainy stream from the internet to line up with 200 people the next thing from the hamburger you do not get the vaccine [Laughter] michael lair ladies and gentlemen uh doing it doing it can we what can we impromise you want to improvise something what do you want to improvise anyone with anything anyone with anything yes okay wrong way william brown he wants to improvise with you ron sure hell yeah so what is tomorrow what's the scene let's get a suggestion from the audience here anything uh anything you guys wanna travel to the moon um hey ron really cool accommodations in the moon am i right [Laughter] [Music] yeah i think it's one of the nicest airbnbs on the moon and i'm glad you could make it out here how did you get up here today one i'm a surprises too cause they're about 2.7 raining on air man like literally every ambient being everything and now i've turned into a brothel well you know i love brothels and i love rental units so i think you and i could do some business sometime up here in the moon i think we could spread your brand up to the moon no damn no i'm run i heard you tell this drawing one time and correct me if i'm wrong you're a legend but um you um served in the military crime yes i did and listening to documentaries decades later that you realized that the burjans you were getting more from ladyboys i think about 150 men sucked my dick while i was in hawaii if that's if that's the story that you're getting to i think it was about 150. i don't i don't know what the record is but i know that i was i was right on up there philippines is a weird place yeah i tame my hand so i can lie about having cancer too [Music] i don't know because i've actually watched your condition improve over the last 10 minutes so uh it's actually pretty wild you're actually the only person tonight that i've watched get healthier as their set went on so it's pretty ironic that you're the one dying [Music] michael we absolutely [ __ ] love you we're going to end tonight's episode how about a perform how about the improvisation talents of michael lair and ron white michael lairacomedy.com for everything michael laird he's got a bunch of really cool stuff there guys how loud can this place get for the great ron white huh come on [Applause] [Music] thank you ron thank you and make some noise for the band everybody the fixed vodka high alkaline vodka band john dees is on social media follow him at john keys j-o-n-k-e-y-z matt muelling is at mutation at m-u-e-h-t-a-t-i-o-n and michael gonzalez is at mike agons 13. d madness ladies and gentlemen d you have any shows this week thursday night at sam1 sam's town point ladies and gentlemen uh go see d madness play some music michael uh michael and john matt any gigs this week that you want to plug or anything check in with the great ryan j e belt see tonight's drawing with ron white oh my god ron check this out ryan zoom in on uh that ron part look how [ __ ] cool this guy drew this during this episode that's the guy that used to draw every episode in las vegas i look like moses well i got bad news for you ron uh you look like moses moses is a badass [ __ ] though i love that picture yeah it's so cool um all those prints are available ryanjbelt.com and uh that's another one how about one more time for michael lehrer over here he's uh he just gave you guys slowly flicking everybody off very slowly and it hurts more when it's slow like that it's really like he does it like he says it [ __ ] you thank you guys so much for coming out every monday has been absolutely insane thank you guys good night [Music] everybody so foreign [Music] do [Music] [Music] [Music] so [Music] [Music] you

Channel: Kill Tony

Views: 151,758

Rating: 4.8544116 out of 5

Keywords: Kill, Tony, podcast, Comedy, Store, Belly, Room, Hollywood, stand, up, comedian, comedy, jokes, panel, one, minute, cat, angry, west, bear, Hinchcliffe, Brian, Redban

Id: Gj1yR5feCes

Length: 126min 41sec (7601 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 19 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/mrbettergame]

It's safe to say that nobody on Reddit could do what Michael does in his situation. Tonight's episode was not a bit. Tony and Brian were genuinely concerned.

[u/usedfleshlight22]

Phillip garcia was funny

[u/GuitarThing]

good to see Redban emulating Brando on the set of "Apocalypse Now:"

300+ lbs, shaven head, in the shadows

I just want him to do the line. "The horror.... the horror."

[u/Sledge_Cammer]

My grandma's sister was diagnosed with ALS in 2019 around the time Michael first appeared on the show. I always enjoyed watching his sets, including throughout the pandemic, because it gave me a little hope that my grandma would have a little more time with her sister. Unfortunately, she passed on Christmas Eve 2020. I've continued to watch Michael in awe at his spirit and sense of humor. But this set was really hard to watch.

[u/renevivo]

Pretty sure this was a banked episode from a couple weeks ago that’s now making it on after episode 500 and Michael seemed to do ok on that one. But yeah this was tough.

[u/nethanyel22]

I always think it’s so funny when tony makes fun of redban, I was laughing so hard when he commented on redbans heckle advice lol.

[u/FightForDemocracyNow]

Did anyone understand a word of Michael's set? Wtf was that

[u/gumbolungs]

So does lehrer really do cocaine? Or is that a bit.

[u/alexmtz101]

Is kill tony not popular in Austin or what? The shows don't seem as full as in LA. I'd imagine they would be as full as in LA at this point in the pandemic in Texas.