KILL TONY #419 - ANDREW SCHULZ

[Music] hey this is ripping Cooney life in the room famous comedy store for a brand new episode of kill Tony give it up for a Tony hitch clip [ __ ] yeah here we are Comedy Store Monday night make some noise people the great Brian Redman is here everything yeah we have the Ryan J you built the house artists drawing tonight's episode we are live how exciting is this and the show keeps rolling this week we go to Columbus Pittsburgh and Cleveland those might be this might even be sold out I'm not sure haven't checked and the fun times never rent starting the new year we're doing stand-up and kill Tony shows combo shows the 9th of January in San Antonio in the 10th and 11th in Houston and January 23rd Calgary and stand-up on the 24th and 25th just announced Vancouver that's happening jfl Northwest that's exciting stuff and yeah drinking a delicious caveman coffee how many people like coffee out there huh I'm obsessed with nitro cold Brill you can buy it order it have it delivered right to your door use the promo code kill Tony save 20% we're taking Ryan G Belt posters all around with us to all those tour dates I just mentioned and the new kill Tony the book 4 volumes 2 & 3 are available now on Amazon and arrange a belt calm Jeremiah Watkins the band leaders going on the road that is Kansas City Chicago and Detroit Jeremiah walkins calm for tickets for that and the big gay calendar featuring the band is also for sale get that before 2020 is over because that's the only year that they made a calendar for it's an actual paper how many of you like paper calendars out there huh there's a few people that'll clap for anything huh all right exciting stuff it is an amazing time and Christmas is right around the corner and that's why I am excited about tushy tushy is an amazing unconventional gift for everyone in your life everyone has an ass everyone deserves the gift of tush e wiping your butt with dry toilet paper does not remove all the [ __ ] if you got poop on any other part of your body would you just wipe it off with dry paper water cleans better than dry paper my friends thankfully there's an ALICE leak the day attachment that clips onto your existing toilet and sprays your butt completely clean with fresh water it's called tushy and it's the best thing you can do for your butt it's actually one of my favorite things I bought in 2019 as a day four my house it sprays directly onto your ass removes the poop completely so you're not like sitting on bacteria that leads to nasty things like hemorrhoids yeast infections had many of those I've had thrush UTIs itchy [ __ ] isn't skidmarks but days are common to the rest of the world like it really is when you're in Japan every single one has one of these if a day saves you money on toilet paper also it won't clog your toilets have used those wet wipes it really does clog your toilets even if it says you're not supposed to use more all right Toshi sprays your abs with fresh water it's not toilet water till she connects to the water supply right behind your toilet it's the same one that you use to brush your teeth the same water supply guys wet wipes are worse than toilet paper and they're in horrible for the environment it's only $79 for this thing guys it changed my life that's how I highly recommend that's right absolutely the new Toshi ottoman is available it helps you get everything out it's like a sexy tooth or cloud that helps you poop it's only $69 nice go - hello - she calm /kill tony and get 10% off your order the bathroom is a modern-day oasis it doesn't have to cost a zillion dollars to upgrade your bathroom and deserve Instagram above luxury - she only costs $79 and changes your life go - hello - she calm /kill Tony and get 10% off your order you guys ready to start tonight's episode huh [Applause] every single week we have some of the funniest comedians in the world on this show you know this is a good episode because we're going one guest tonight this is very exciting we've waited a long time to have this guy on the show he's a New Yorker that we've been waiting a long time for him to come out to Los Angeles and grace us with his presence it's the one and only Andrew Schultz everybody here we go baby yeah [ __ ] yeah it's happening finally answer Schultz The Comedy Store kill Tony Live flagrant two fashion the crowd were expendable one of my favorite people on Instagram Thank You Man I appreciate that how's the coin my man is good it's good to be here finally hi everybody how are you okay I'm glad we finally made this happen it's a long time coming I'm so excited about this you are a guy who I feel like you know I feel like we're like brothers from another mother you know what I mean you're out there in New York I'm always stuck here in LA and we're out there we're hustling we're having fun we're making fun of mother [ __ ] and this show is built for a guy like you to be a guest on I love it I love this let's just jump right into we have a band on this show Andrew that's one of my favorite parts ha ha ha I'm a big fan of Jeremiah my friend he is the leader of the band every single week they commit to being different characters we never know what they're gonna be they're in the separate green room back there getting ready so let's see what they are tonight maybe it's the return of some famous characters that we've seen before maybe it's the debut of brand new characters ladies and gentlemen I present to you the best damn band in the land it's the kill Tony ban Jeremiah walkin yeah Schulberg Joel Jimenez and Jesse Johnson [Music] here we go let's see what they are tonight oh my goodness Wow the most famous characters in the history of kill Tony it's the feminists everybody Wow feminist Stacy this is insane I haven't seen you since it nias trulia and you look madder than ever I am so angry Kamala Harris dropped out of the race that's what you're mad about meaning what about others Tulsi Gabbard and some other women there's Elizabeth Warren it's just not a good representation of women that's what you're committed to the Kamala Harris thing all right glad to see feminist Stacy and who's this is this Justin Bieber next year who do we got here thanks man I appreciate that respect now I'm actually male feminist Dave never had a male feminist on I never will I did about time Stacy's Ben's like I'm just so fascinating everything she says and I'm like I think it's dope and she taught me like some close shave I like Freeland they're pulling like you guys gotta get out on this Jesse Johnson is Dave and then there she is the one and the only we know this little [ __ ] butterfly back here the old Mexican Smurf feminist may see right I am for women's rights but I also I like to get railed by [ __ ] [ __ ] oh yeah okay Macey take it easy yeah I'm taking the [ __ ] power back okay I [ __ ] back when you [ __ ] me and that's it hey look it's the producer David Deary everybody look at him over here looks like he's coming fresh from an audition for home alone for Yul stinky bandits so we have everything we have Shultz red band soundboard we have the band which brings me to this the bucket of destiny everybody this is it the old meat and potatoes of the show over a hundred people as they do every week signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket they are chock-full stocked in the lobby in the hallway there's a woman hanging out of the men's restroom right now hoping to get her name pulled they're slammed over here where the comedians that over there yep a lot of them are over there they're filling in some of them are gonna get kicked out as audience members come in they have to stand in the lobby it's a fire hazard here people if I pull your name out of the bucket you got to get to this stage as fast as possible without running out of breath during the interview part of the show answer the questions honestly give us something to work with and we find out more about you chat with you about your everyday life maybe figure out if there's something funny or about you that you should be talking about on stage that you're not talking about and but before all that you get 60 seconds uninterrupted here at the mecca the main room of the comedy story you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten that means wrap it up then or else you're gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood there that's it everybody all the pieces are in place you guys ready to start this [ __ ] show it's Kel Toni live with Andrew Schultz and your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight straight out of the bucket of destiny goes by the name of Trey Lam here we go the lucky seat trailing the great Steve Lee is here everybody Aphrodite is here very exciting here we go starting off the show one more time for trail and Hey holy [ __ ] thank you so much Wow yes it's like it's an exciting time in my life right now guys I'm done with school so I'm liking that getting jobs you know my friends and I were all of that part but you know we kind of have these we don't really care about our jobs that much like you has someone in their early 20s about their job you know like it's just a gig bro and I really care I'm like aren't you an EMT dude like some of us have like legit jobs that like we should be caring about right like I work for a non-profit that's like supporting research to find a cure for like a deadly disease and I don't give a [ __ ] bro all right like whatever I'm clocking in either way you know if anything I hope they don't find a cure for the disease so I really need this job you know it's like kind of a tough situation yeah like I got you know I'm kind of new to LA a little bit so I'm getting new friends you know and it's a lot of fun thanks guys there you go due to LA welcome to the show Trey thank you so much thank ya this is a it is it's awesome it is it's the number one live podcast in the world right up [ __ ] yeah welcome welcome hello I like your style you look like all the characters from Ozark mixed together into one you look like if Charles Manson was a skateboarder feminist Stacy yeah he looks like Kurt Cobain if he would have never met Courtney Love ah still alive yeah yes welcome welcome welcome I'm a feminist Oh what was that Oh are you playing your sound board of your mother read back don't come at ye [ __ ] whoa citrate you're new to Iowa you said how new are you three months yes in September Wow so yes heck yeah where'd you come from I was in actually Santa Barbara before that okay yeah yeah I finished at UCSB I want to you see ya ya ya I told ya of course these what disease what's up I thought it was really funny what disease are you trying to cure or is oh oh no that actually Alzheimer's all time yeah yeah yeah Wow I actually have a time first what's disease again no it's a really serious situation but it's kind of fun yeah yeah they don't care though really now do ya did anybody else notice the chemistry between Schultz in this guy when they said they went to you at CSP together right oh yeah I mean yeah I hey would you study a UCSB psych in English ah me too I love it you guys that have the same little [ __ ] path how are you tray 23 Wow look at you little baby boy out here three months yeah yeah made the long move all the way from Santa Barbara I'm actually I grew up I grew up in Canada what part Winnipeg okay yeah you know the forks yeah yeah that's the only thing they have in Winnipeg this is a river that Forks yeah yeah dude well they got a skatepark now so it's a rough town munna peg yeah it's the murder capital of Canada I get it my what moose it looks like you like to be Winnipeg Oh feminists Stacy going for the jugular personal my goodness how long have you worked in the Alzheimer's field [ __ ] it's I'm in my third year with with the Association now so I was like doing that while I was in college and then I just kind of kept the job when I moved down here that's how I was able to do it that's awesome how long you been on stand-up comedy this I'm in my fifth year about five and a half that's right oh so you were doing it while you were in Santa Barbara yeah yeah yeah so like I did my first set like right out of right after I finished high school in San Diego and then did it in college did the laughs ology yeah and yeah and then I was I got in with the club and then I like ended up kind of running it for a little while and then did you do rumors and Winnipeg yeah yeah now I once went to Winnipeg and they didn't give me the proper paperwork so I got kicked out this was like eight years ago it was crazy she you got removed while you were already there yeah it was really bizarre it's cuz I it's because I they didn't get me the paperwork so they're like just say that you're coming here to visit a friend and oh yeah yeah it was one of those so I'm like yeah I'm just here to visit a friend and the immigration guys like oh just for one night huh yeah what's weird about that and he's like everything yeah he's like what do you do again I'm like I'm a comedian he's like okay and he googled my name and it's like Winnipeg tonight one night tickets few tickets left yeah the old uh so yeah they're like you can you're not allowed to perform tonight you got to fly you get your flight in the morning we're gonna send Canadian Mounties to the show to make sure you don't perform and if you perform you're gonna get arrested I'm like I'm never [ __ ] coming to Winnipeg again auntie's are like the least intimidating of cops yeah oh yeah for sure that was amazing you were as funny as an actual feminist on that one Jill I have a feminist Tony trait what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up and [ __ ] right now I'm still trying to figure out what's going on in LA I'm just trying to explore [ __ ] like what took shrooms over the weekend so I was kind of fun hey did you look like this before shrooms yeah yeah no it was yeah no I didn't but I did it made me part my hair differently it was like a whole thing yeah I've got that cool Chucky doll look going Bart yeah I like to [ __ ] man I like to you do you like to save 10% by going to tisha calm and use the promo code kill Tony 10% off your order hello - she calm don't get a yeast infection you look like if Jack Black went Quito heck yeah no other hobbies for you oh yeah yeah yeah I like to I like to I mean I like a snowboard a little bit still I like to ball with my hose you know some friends when you say ball that with the basketball you like to shoot basketballs yeah yeah I don't see you being that yes what do you do you put that up in like a bun or something I do I put it I'll put it in back or up top if I'm feeling it and feminist Stacy what would you do to this guy on the basketball court wow I'm quick I'm agile little bro are you know what's your love life like who oh that was an interesting next ones on YouTube right there's there's um I don't I'm not I'm not seeing I don't I don't have a girlfriend wow it sounds like you have about ten of them you don't want to know about each other my goodness not seeing anyone huh no no how many people are you having sex with there's just not many like it just like Tony he has Alzheimer's conveniently now I can have that choice dementia yeah my god when's the last time you had sex this this weekend this weekend oh yes yes yesterday two days ago two days how was it it was really good that's what so yeah it was great it was at nighttime or morning or afternoon it was nighttime and then what happened where'd you meet this girl at Gamestop it was a small jump you could do the deeper sound for my jump doesn't it be the small Mario jump where'd you meet her at what happened there you hooked up with this chick before yeah yeah yeah a few times yeah tinder actually this one and then uh-huh and then we like we started chatting right away and then we met up that night well it's the night we match and I was like whoa a little bit but then it was good and then well because it was whatever but then don't whatever because it was well because like if if the girls were if she's really down to meat like right away you you question why should I a little bills like okay well why we like to get [ __ ] - no I mean yeah I hear you that's your insecurity like what's wrong with this girl that she's into me I get it yeah yeah yeah exactly so but then we did and it was it was it was chill yeah and that was like but yeah that was the first night we and then we we went back to my place that night we didn't we didn't what's your place what's your living situation like I got an apartment kind of between here in Culver City honey by yourself and now I got two roommates but you have your own bedroom yeah yeah okay cool it's a it's a good setup much better than Santa Barbara Yeah right so you brought her back to your place then what yeah that first night we didn't we didn't have sex we just we were just kind of laying there laying on your bed just yeah we're laying on my bed and watching Netflix not even we were just kind of just laying there sitting in the dark staring straight up at the ceiling yeah I mean we were kind of talking but then like cuz I so I was like [ __ ] I'm just gonna do it I lift a finger didn't you that's what that hands doing I know it I know that so we were like she'll fireball so I'd like we would like started up we'd start like making out and then I was like kind of get the hands going see what's going on right and then when I did that she would kind of chewy like block she kind of so you were raped live your truth live your truth well feminist means you know yeah but now like those girls are way into you I've learned from Stacey later they're freaks like they'll do anything ya know if you tell them you respect them with this Allah Ruth the male feminist exposing himself okay so go on right and then she kind of wasn't into it so I'm like all right so we just laid there and so we're just laying there kind of chatting and then we started up again and I was like all right maybe now she didn't do it so I get the hands going then she's done in two I'm like all right yeah that's it it's done and then we're just laying there and then just going to sleep and then she she put her hand on my penis yeah Wow is that how she put it on it like that yeah she was swearing at a Bible you've been patient she's like that's enough now a little bigger yeah no but straight up she just kind of pet it right I can fourth I'm like I don't know what the [ __ ] tank that [ __ ] thing out that's what you take that thing out chick went from sleepy to creepy really give us the big mushroom red and then what and then I I didn't do anything after she was petting my dick and I'm like I'm not gonna this I don't this is too confused just let her pet it you just let her pet it and then she fell asleep with her hand on my dick and I'm like well this right back Wow what a work of art we're not gonna beat that ladies and gentlemen give it up for skill Toni debut it stray lamb everybody there you go Trey lamb is on twitter at maple tree and ap le tre all one word and I was fun see what happens when you answer the questions honestly people give us something to work with one more time for Trey everyone good job Trey joke was funny too yeah it was good he's yet he's right that last part about you don't want them to cure cuz you're out of a job is really good and he said it naturally not all jokey it felt real you notice five years of experience took his time and executed 60 seconds there pulled another name out of the bucket make some noise for Jasleen power Jasleen power jeff Slean if she comes we've seen Jasleen before here she comes [Music] one more time for Jasleen power yeah I just got out of a relationship with a Mexican who is now my ex sicken but I gotta thank him because that fool that fool taught me how to [ __ ] and to cry a lot but before that I was malnourished on a strictly white boy diet white guys did not want to eat this [ __ ] and I know it's hard to believe that I don't have this cute pink pornstar Homer Simpson mouth looking [ __ ] know what I got is something a lot more dark and dangerous with a long-ass [ __ ] labia that's why bumping uglies with someone who's uglies that look like my uglies was so liberating it was just like two Brown dicks and people would always mistake me and asked me if I spoke Spanish and I would say no hablo espanol I'm 3/4 Indian and a quarter lady I used to pretty [ __ ] [ __ ] Wow look at that clean power my goodness Wow where do we begin here I think with the [ __ ] yeah I think so Rana how dark are we talking well like my face is pretty pale but it just gets darker do you think like India the further south you go the darker the people get exactly thank goodness that is interesting white white boys wouldn't eat it during my university years I was in a predominantly white area for school in Canada and Victoria BC ah Canadians they just they don't eat anything unless you put [ __ ] gravy and cheese curds on it yeah I would think this is kind of like gravy though yeah depends on the time of the month right your creamy oh okay red van all right let's just come on let's stay creative with that sound board over there red van come on yeah but the Mexicans did huh proof yet again that Mexicans will eat anything yes so how did you how do you teach you how to [ __ ] oh it was just like you know after hooking up with a bunch of white guys yeah I realized they were afraid but he was just in it to win it he didn't care you know I'd take a [ __ ] and he didn't care wait is that true you took a [ __ ] not on him but it would be like God it really is brown down there well it wasn't like I took a [ __ ] and then it like he like wanted it and it was more like he didn't care that if I took him she I would shop in the shower then he could eat the butt and it was chill but he wasn't scared of it I felt like white guys were really scared of it holy [ __ ] feminists Stacy okay I just want to say I'm a feminist but [ __ ] you're disgusting okay I'm good I'm just saying the love was next-level like one time I had my period and I told him in order to you know uplift the ancestral conditionings I need you to wipe my period blood on your third eye and and he did and it was no great I don't know I don't even know what any of that means hold on so you had him wipe your period on his on his forehead yeah on his forehead Lion King Simba Rafiki like oh I think I think that's called the Temple of Doom whoa yeah that is insane Indiana Jones why why with Indiana Jones be it they just said the tempo of tune oh yeah very good as a girl ever asks you to do that time no no they would never do that I don't hook up with people that would ever do anything like that whatsoever hey there's a deep bond I get shy in front of me they do they yeah yeah they don't take chances like that they don't say [ __ ] like let me put my [ __ ] juice on your forehead yeah now she's hot enough to get it away get away with it though right like that's why he would eat my ass if it was a little dirty he would do this period [ __ ] cuz you know yes beautiful girl it's just an odd request cuz neither of us get anything out of this I started watching a lot of videos about periods and like you know to really embrace that because it's a very hard time so there's some sort of spiritual uplifting I can do some people paint with their blood when people wipe it on their partner's third eye to uplift the ancestral conditionings of the generational trauma right watch like a [ __ ] bro what was that there's more male feminists out there than we thought uh it's just yeah but if you get off on it I guess I just don't understand I don't think he got off on it but I think you respect them when you see it like when you see your [ __ ] period on his forehead are you like that's that guy for me this pathetic next day I just stay in the country you threaten them I do I do I respect that I think you're not even here legally No well I know one I wanna know one beautiful is that oh snap her ovary yes it does so what happened with this Mexican guy where's he at now he's at home maybe watching this you've been hanging out with them a lot no oh it's over it is over I moved I moved from New York to here for him and then I moved out of his place in May of this year and it's just you know it's been a ranking doodle-doo rank dang doodle doo it's just been hard and you know uh yeah it's over you guys hook up sometimes yeah you ever fall asleep with your hand on his deck yeah yeah when's the last time you guys hooked up Wow can we keep stumping these people with a sex question time I actually saw him on Saturday night Wow yeah what'd you guys do we you know got a little freaky we freaked it and and it was great it was passionate what what was freaky about what was it scary but it was like you know you're freaky yeah we just had sex but it wasn't regular it was passionate and great and yeah it's you know good dick will imprison you and it got me [ __ ] out so I love that Wow are you just quoting Kanye lyrics is that what he says my goodness listen I know you said white guys won't [ __ ] you but you sound like a real freak and I respect women now so if you want to give it a try I guess I'll try to learn some thinner yeah is that true about your labia you have a big labia is that a joke I think it's quite long and like an elbow skin type I don't feel anything I could pull it for so really oh my god she's a man chopped off I don't believe in genital mutilation I also don't believe in circumcision feminist Stacy you should see the size of my [ __ ] it's almost like a male dick it's true feminist stacy's is so long you can measure for a first down with it I have weekly period oh my god geez Louise that's aggressive Stacy Jasleen how long you been one stand-up and this will probably be like my 9 there done I think last night I said it was my seventh it's only been a few times since I'm working on any ep musically so I'm just you know what's what's an EP do an extended period that's my musical project I rap so I did that laughs that's right you rap that's right can you give us another example do some bars please yeah we love that here we love it we love people with special talents special go right ahead you want to go acapella you want to be agile alcohol is cool okay fine we thought you'd like we thought you'd like getting some help from a Mexican guy but uh from behind I'm throw-in a house party [ __ ] the lames in the blonde fake [ __ ] Barbies calling all starving artists who are ready to harvest beats and feed me don't forget it but the wolves give their teeth heaps in see them grin until they're full until the full you know the world views you supposed to eat food like 32 choose got a breakthrough that 10 to me just you me on the love seat in the back of the Love Shack your tracks of the way you run with that but it's tit for tat I don't care how take a look at a map gets me the finish line by the end of this rap ass girls took a lot cuz we got two mouths one up north now one down south beach with my big [ __ ] Miami nights my home around Korra after 5:00 sipping on the Pina Colada night after night this is what I want for the rest of my life watching the sunrise in paradise cracking jokes without [ __ ] up the punchline Wow look at that Mike Wow that was so impressive I might let you rub your period blood on my forehead sometime that was a little bindi that was fun gasoline anything else for Jocelyne everybody no I thought it great confidence yeah your likeness is very good for real you carry yourself well you talk about vulnerable things and you own it you just are straight up and very honest yeah it will help you doctor nine or ten times in comedy it's very good so far just lean power everybody best of luck she's on social media at horse power all one word spelled powa are our last names powa are little cutie what'd she say she was Indian has this Indian goodness Wow she could be anything it doesn't matter Jesus Christ what a creep trashcan my goodness all right pull the name out make some noise for Nate Welch everyone we're flying through it Wow big Cobb from the crowd here he comes Nate Welch one more time for Nate thank you now I'm from a small town in Louisiana I ain't been out here that long and I know my head looks like a dick but that don't mean I'm a [ __ ] I'm not a cop not a Nazi and I don't have a degree in American History X I just look like Stone Cold Steve Austin at little Debbie's bastard like Stone Cold Steve Austin quit wrestling in the WWE and start a wrestling with depression they call him the Texas rattlesnake and they called me to Louisiana snack-cake but I tell you this man I'm single and they got a lot of females out here that are looking for sugar daddies and I'm like look I'm sweet I got a dad bod but I ain't you goddamn sugar daddy like I'm from the Bayou but that don't mean I'm a Bayou [ __ ] there you go neat welts everyone yeah [ __ ] yeah look at you we went from jocelyne power to white power it's incredible you look like a serious man all right ha ha ha welcome welcome how long you been doing stand-up Nate about a year about a year you started in Louisiana yeah I did it for about 3 months back home and then when I moved here so you moved here about nine months ago now moved about a year ago I took a few months to kind of figure out how la was because like I said you know I feel like a [ __ ] yeah Louisiana Saturday night you know no I feel like a Neanderthal living like you know in a different world of course you are you're from Louisiana I'm saying absolutely absolutely so different of LA from Elliot from Louisiana here yeah the people breath what about them just dude like they got [Music] I don't know man I just feel like there's a whole different [ __ ] culture like you know and the people are just different like they got a lot of cool people I met out here but they also got some just overall they ain't got no respect I feel like oh wow here we go now we're getting into it you know I'm Sam little rocky game a wild over here I've been a bouncer for 12 years [ __ ] bouncer dude you got the fried food you have the vibe for sure okay so uh and they just don't have respect for you at the club they don't know not even that in general I'm just all my people in general like walking down the street you know people just like like I guess back home people say hello hey how you doing that good morning [ __ ] like that yeah little things and over here they just like on the phone a [ __ ] bitching about something yeah you know that's people that move here right yeah I fear that I ain't hating on the like I said I came here you know I ain't hating on the people that came that is making your observation I'm just saying that's how I see you so people back home say hello to each other yeah people back home well you know I guess what you say hospitable yeah well they just got nothing to [ __ ] do I got [ __ ] to do exactly out here people actually got [ __ ] to do exactly yeah you moved here so that you could you know make a better life for yourself exactly get busy make it big knows we have agents and managers calling you right so that one day eventually you could be the guy on your phone with your head down ignoring some idiot that just moved here from Louisiana exactly don't want to I ain't saying I'm asking people to say hello I'm just saying not just something oh you're just making these observations there yeah how'd you feel about the Jews brah i'ma tell you dude don't you want me to be honest hold on he just said you want me to be honest yes wait a second this is interesting turn off the video yeah can we stop the stream actually you know what it'll stop itself go ahead zombie I've come a really really small town in Louisiana never met one before never met no Jewish people before yeah and uh what you but I know I don't like them see I just it's really funny because just cuz I ain't got no hair people assume I ain't friends with them yeah I'm like boy how cool well I've met I met one uh the first one I met yeah was uh how Jewish like did he have the [ __ ] know is she aware she was a she I worked in LA [ __ ] she is a she how do you know cuz she is a lesbian ah what is that supposed to mean huh that's a chick that likes a chick right yes as I thought anyway I'm trying to be PC okay so you met a lesbian Jewish woman yeah okay good I work on the TV shows like back home I worked security on them and uh she was one of like the chicks from out here down there right and I didn't know she was Jewish so she told me I was thought she was a chick yeah and when this is your standup by the way this is why you're funny okay now I'm getting Louisiana are different okay so what happened so like you shake her hand as your hand heat up or no I ain't gonna lie yeah I was I was working security and and the like Lily in the swamp in Louisiana yeah and like I was my job was to watch the [ __ ] road and make sure nobody jumped that uh nobody tried to break in the dirt road like they got anybody within a couple miles you ain't nobody is there right but I'm sitting there I could work 12 hour shifts so I'm sitting there smoking cigarettes leaning on my car yeah reading the book yeah I know I don't look like I read a book yeah reading the book walk by and she goes can you just tell us what book you're reading yes Archie's riho I knowed it real I see the southport I know they're real I've seen South Park holy [ __ ] Nate welt so what are you reading I was reading a dialogue Robert McKee okay right right okay so I was doing that sure I was just reading a book and I said good morning back call back to that yeah yeah I just said good morning cuz I was literally the only person there and she walked by to go to crafty or some [ __ ] yeah the only other person yeah okay we're not saying hey to somebody say hello so I said good morning that you left good morning like surprised and that's what how I feel like a lot of people are here is when I say that to somebody somebody come on they're like now when you said good morning did you pronounce it like free Palestine I don't think I ever said Palestine in my life to be honest with you Palestine is the guy that wrote all the Goosebumps books or Hilbert Wow Joel Berg is here good okay Mike so that you guys become frail yet so we became cool and she actually lives out here she told me I should probably come out here cuz I was trying to do comedy and trying to write and Shih Tzu how did you find out she was Jewish she told me I just started it off well brother I brought her an old lady to a crawfish ball and she couldn't office because it's a shellfish no she ate it she's yeah yeah you know lesbian they love date they love cuz when I gave him the phone I gave him a plate cuz ain't never had crawfish before so I brought him down there with my boys who all like big wheels and I brought them down there and they they got like a big plate of [ __ ] crawfish and like corn and sausage hot dogs and [ __ ] yeah [ __ ] yeah lesbian and I gave our pickup the hot dog and I was like I know you don't like these but you should try and [ __ ] and then that's what you said you know something something something and somehow Jewish came up yeah they can't eat any of that food shellfish work that's why oh I didn't know that yeah so you basically yeah you were trying that might be what you need to do that's probably it yeah ok it's not that she likes a weird did you learn anything else about Jewish people since moving out here I think they cool the ones that I met they cool yeah I don't see I just see them as they people I do I don't know what they do different how do you rank them like most Americans like it yeah give me your minority power ranking well I'm gonna be honest I'm a dark meat kind of guys go with black people okay they're in there your favorite so we are we starting with your least favorite or your favorite my favorite okay from New Orleans and a lot of people think cause I got a bald head and I'm from the south and I don't like people I'm like now I'm cool with pretty much everybody except people on on [ __ ] light who are those people [ __ ] all right Chinese you know you yellow [ __ ] dark [ __ ] nah so okay so black know I like everybody Brian Gallagher right I like you know I'm from the south so I got I guess flavor flavor that that's the thing I think white people are most [ __ ] annoying people to be honest with you right well I mean we'll all why you know at all white people but like the [ __ ] like I go to lay out you know I see a lot of people talk about [ __ ] yeah out here this different [ __ ] we talk about back home yeah and like I guess they just you know white that's white people [ __ ] I see a lot of that's white people [ __ ] sorry to bother you with women's rights well no bra see I think everybody's cool but I don't matter if you're a chick dude used to be a chick used to be you do about to be a dude I don't give a [ __ ] you friends with any you make friends with any transgender people yeah I know a couple yeah I met on the Ghanim in New Orleans dude oh wow I'm sorry all right I know that's why they call gumbo a pear well that's the thing bro is like out here like like back home we got people from all over real quick do you feel do you feel how natural you're talking right now compared to like in the beginning yeah it's a really easy thing to come up and do it but look how funny you are when you're just kinda talking about your expert a pin it out yeah thanks man you don't have to you don't have to fake it or be it it's already in there so just that really means a lot cuz that's one of the things I'm trying to figure out it's like cuz I ain't been doing it that long out here yeah it's just a matter of like trying to figure out how to take that and put it right here yeah Wow felt like I've been coming here since I'm becoming doing this since like March okay this is the first time I got up so I felt like you know exactly that and it's all the stuff that that we dragged out of you you know what I mean you aim up here and you talked about Louisiana but you really talked about what you look like you did a lot of jokes about that and then during this interview part you're talking about the real I'm from Louisiana your real perspective on things not just jokes about what you look like I just want to figure out how to do that army cut you off you just did it you're doing it there is Nate Welch everybody booyah Buddha on to the next one fun times come back keep signing up Nate sometimes it takes a while to get up for your first time but you got to just keep [ __ ] signing up you can't win the lottery if you don't play now look at aphrodite adding another layer of lipstick to those luscious [ __ ] beautiful lips oh my [ __ ] god ladies and gentlemen and like that the bucket of destiny speaks I just pulled a name out while acknowledging her I present to you kill Tony icon started here at the age of what 65 or something how old are you going on 61 years old ladies and gentlemen up 6 she started at 61 now she's 64 make some noise for the one and only Aphrodite yeah there she is [Music] he'll Tony icon it's been a long time since we've seen her whoa she has some wacky [ __ ] one more time for Aphrodite everybody I'm doing this this is a [ __ ] evil emergency going on some [ __ ] emergency ladies these are being a growing [ __ ] on their faces you seen all these guys all this [ __ ] hair on their faces yeah look at Tony look at Tony Grider [ __ ] on his face and Alton red man to Grandpa listens on their faces look at some guys and all you got a [ __ ] on your face too and even worse some of these guys are growing titties ladies yes they are some of them got bigger titties enough I can't sleep with no man got titties they making us lesbians ladies they making us lesbians I can't be in the band with no naked man with titties okay daddy it's a [ __ ] shame I just can't do it y'all need to do some Bibles here you [ __ ] with titty at the end it's bad enough they got these nuts hanging I'm a designing a nut position I'm trying to get bangs and there's with nuts I'm tired of it [ __ ] yeah i fro day doing it living the dream she's here every single week signs up every single week for four or five years now welcome back Aphrodite Thank You Toni looking it over three years now I love it three years I love it look at you more voluptuous than ever man you're you are unbelievable yeah 64 year old real titties boo boo [ __ ] huh oh my goodness are you are you carrying that glowing thing so we could find you if the lights go out Joubert I'll see you at the show up function your [ __ ] face okay don't understand you don't attack another woman what is that thing that you have that you came up here swingin where do you even [ __ ] emergency you had to create a police state what you know when the police come after you they go and then what did they do shoot you yeah if you block if you block they didn't they go shoot your hands though you better go live you go live at the police pool you'll be black you go live so you know you have some witness that you murdered I love it Aphrodite so what's been going on in life you came up here guns blazing talk about [ __ ] on their face you're talking about facial hair no real [ __ ] yeah use a real [ __ ] hair y'all got on y'all faces [ __ ] hair kissy hey I hope not my beards gray do you have great pubic hairs after I cut this [ __ ] out I go get my [ __ ] done like you get nails done you get your [ __ ] done oh my god sounds like a [ __ ] real full-time job that guy wear a hard hat for that gig like HUD well I'll put it like this I must be doing a good job cuz I had it eight the last couple of weeks straight Hey damn that's right women can still be sexual after the age of 60 damn who's been eating that thing is this the Mexican guy from hell no I told you I like the plantation [ __ ] I got to be on the plantations like it Wow see your time what does that mean looks like a slave oh my god okay so you're on the plantation you still want to [ __ ] the worker stuff I got ya what they were doing the work it's okay thanks gotcha got to the big day I get angry if the dick is little I get angry I got to see laqad Shores I can't help it you get angry at it what do you do when you see it you start swinging you start punching them because his dick is little yeah I can't do it no but see that won't happen cuz I check the [ __ ] I check check their dick first hell yeah ain't gonna surprise me no you give him that little pet right that little dick I'm going into pans I'm looking at the [ __ ] like suspected [ __ ] agent number 27 now I'm gonna look at that [ __ ] cuz I don't want no gross on that [ __ ] either wait you take the dick out and then you look through the dick I'm gonna make him unzip his [ __ ] pants and I don't see if he got a dick or maybe [ __ ] or whatever the [ __ ] is in there wow it's like Django unzipped she said slave I didn't say it he gonna have to show me I'm from Missouri you got to show me I want to shoot house so what happens if it's a big giant you know voluptuous like exactly caveman coffee can is this what you need I'll be I'm being serious yeah I got one in my life right now yes I do and it's that size the man is Hong like I love [ __ ] you know what say whatever the [ __ ] you call it when your dick is huge it's it because there's a lot of security to get through to get to the actual good part of the vagina is that why you like it so big no I feel the [ __ ] I don't want to get neck and ain't felt a goddamn thing right now it suck yeah and I wanna know I've been how about yeah does it still hurt at your age what is it hey no it doesn't hurt now you gonna lick the [ __ ] Freddie go hey do you force them to eat it oh no yes right away here's what do you want to do is your can I ask you a question is your ass real hell yeah you wanna yeah she's flexing it and everything is that not the crazy right there is probably very few black women that have a fake ass you know I mean it's amazing 64 all right like that is unbeliev Airy impressed it's a high crane booty you know one of Jedi booties jet out and jet baggy that's an incredible date does it ever give you any trouble with anything ever on an airplane or is it ever fall asleep or anything like that actually fell off the bed a couple of times cause it's so heavy you did it is it the mind of its own it just rolls over 250 pounds for me to go up the steps of the way I take me so long to come up say I had to go one and cuz it'll pull me back down the ass ain't no joke really maybe that's why you need the big dick so it's it's it's in the way well see if I roll over on the little guy you'd probably be dead yeah yeah yeah it's dead ass yeah [Music] Joubert say Aphrodite pets love another very impressive performance anything else up your sleeve for the night or we go I like to if I can't do just a little bit of that song can you do a tiny bit of a side just a little sample cuz my voice is really going through something I did show with top-shelf brass man you guys seen them ano yeah we've been performing for over a year now okay do the song okay he's got it on there oh it does hold up loud please dedicated to preview did you email yeah he's got his email he's been headed what's your what what's what's the first five letters of your email uh AFR I should have known [Applause] [Applause] hey there we go we found it look at that do a little intro into it it's called hit me with that hot stuff which is basically a calm shot holy freaking ribbon [Music] [Music] come on baby I love you I just want to lay there let you do whatever you wanna do to me baby sit it's all good you can ride this baby hit me with a is holding that big nothing you got Wow [Applause] thank you 64 [ __ ] years old every single time you're on this show you use that charisma and that incredible [ __ ] energy it's just unbelievable I [ __ ] love you afro day and I just say this Tony that was written by myself in a kill Tony show fan named Derek Hall sent me that 48 seconds at first five seconds listening to it I knew it was something Prince there you go thank you so much we love you yeah I love you guys so much and I love this man right here is so [ __ ] but I could cry every aphrodite ladies and gentlemen social media aphrodite love up here living the dreams live in her goddamn dreams we're gonna go back to the bucket and then second last week I forgot to tell you about this Andrew last week we had a guy get pulled out of the bucket for the very first time who blew our minds it turns out he has ALS Lou Gehrig's disease and he had an unbelievable minute an unbelievable interview ladies and gentlemen I present to you for his return the one and only Michael Lehrer every day always always mad mad I really have the old people like some 85 yo [ __ ] jump out of a plane get over yourself you're not special no one cares I'm always mad when people hug me I whisper in their ear I'm contagious you have fish in a [ __ ] I drag down my ex-girlfriends online I go look see I did you a favor by being an [ __ ] apology accepted thank you Wow holy [ __ ] he did it again 58 seconds on the nose from Michael error this is this is so cool man two weeks in a row you're absolutely slaughtering me hell yeah and you did exactly your time which is beautiful because you don't have much left let's face it right yeah [Music] come on baby hey you know the ice bucket guy died today is that true yeah last week that's great because last week he made uh he made a lot of references to where the [ __ ] did all that money go yeah I'm singing $3,000 cheerio Wow now Michael remind you how long you've been doing stand-up 20 years [ __ ] yeah yeah well nom stand-up five months but I am second city for 10 years in Chicago well there you go that's what I've always said is doing a too much improv comedy it's the places like second city causes Lou Gehrig's disease [Music] [Applause] Tony how is he easier to understand than aphrodite ha ha hey why don't you act like him and sit the [ __ ] down [ __ ] goddamn ALS meats be easy [Music] [Applause] [ __ ] yeah Miami see you've been having fun man you get walk it hell yeah yeah man except some these comics they be talking to minor slash girlfriend too much that's why I'm wearing the flag here it's like one it's like one it's like putting a DG sign on your lawn when buying their [ __ ] [Applause] yeah oh my god you're so awesome yeah oh my god you're so [ __ ] awesome yeah let's do one then no Tony hey hey you know what I would love to invite you to the ice house and do all 10 minutes I'd say nine two weeks alright awesome hey can I say real quick I'm a big fan over Charlamagne no I well fine I was trying to do that I thought that we're some Amanda guy yeah oh I really for Carla means the only god you still believe in getting as the Charlamagne tha God oh wow Mike I think Hugh is trying to burn me oh yeah but instead of burned it was kind of icy yeah no I like your style alright can I ask you a question yeah do you guys really not like the ice bucket guy um no not the guy he raised under a million dollars but they ALS association there can beat up online cuz people are saying where the [ __ ] is their money and their can raises in [ __ ] so he's a hero a lot of people hate their less sociation heck yeah yeah and I said yeah yeah my I love it man that's so cool and you're here with your nurse girlfriend yeah no slash girlfriend heck yeah Wow so how long have you two been together Oh we met on tinder a year and a half ago my [ __ ] yeah she give you lap dances sometimes yeah I can do it doggy so anymore but I can [ __ ] on my back so great yeah but the one thing is there's a little room like she used to be married and her ex-husband is an artist and in her bedroom is all his art on the walls oh she was like and I'm just staring at his artistic expression and his names up there I see she kept the name like a souvenir I [ __ ] like she's been when we started dating I was under the impression that there would be some bucking you have later not only hasn't been any buff working it's pretty clear there will be no ball parking Wow I mean Michael ere you're doing a spot at the Ice House on Friday you absolutely have slaughtered two weeks in a row huge fans about keep coming back we [ __ ] love you you'll always have a place here at kill Danny thank you abso-fuckin'-lutely Michael unbelievable one more time for Michael where everyone hell yes coming through with his guaranteed spot unbelievable now let's let's keep this momentum going we have two regulars on this show ladies and gentlemen before we get back to the bucket let's get new minutes from them every single week they have to write and perform a brand new minute not easy to do you know this first guy coming up he's been a regular for a long time now he has traveled with us he's been around the country with us he's a very controversial figure people either love them or hate them I love them ladies and gentlemen it's the Big Red Machine the one and only William Montgomery in the flash deo daylight come and me Wan go home you shut the [ __ ] up so I've been wearing scrubs a bunch recently you know people think you're a doctor but I hate being in the grocery store just having to tell people no I can't fix your are these five-dollar bills because I've got a bunch of them in my [ __ ] wallet right now that's my father at Disney World in 2002 looking for my mom one last one last sort of pearl of wisdom for y'all I've become sort of a motivational speaker the thing about baseball there's always a chance William of Montgomery ladies and gentlemen so nice to be here y'all I've been in Phoenix the past two weeks let's give it up for Phoenix why would they give it up for here in Los Angeles William how many y'all ever climbed up a ladder I'm in construction now you are I climb up ladders now you do you ever climbed up 30 stepladder no neither have I it scares me to death a lot of energy coming from you today William yeah I have something called tunnel vision Tony to do how did you get that watching jaws The Revenge too many times where you why have you been watching let's give it up the Sharks Jolla Beach Florida y'all y'all ever been on the Atlantic you'll ever eat at Joe's Crab Shack Wow place goes well you got love dad I'm allergic to shellfish Tony yeah we heard that [ __ ] off right man we were in San Diego this Friday with William and he came out he said what's up San Antonio ha ha ha ha and he said it was a purpose but I think he forgot let's hear it for the Spurs y'all I don't know how many y'all ever watch let's get outta ya dude shut the [ __ ] up hahaha well use my best set I've ever [ __ ] had and we have the sama bin Laden [ __ ] my [ __ ] up I don't like Muslims I believe in Jesus whoa wow very controversial very very controversial statement there I'll be quite frank I would rather play Chinese checkers versus reading the Quran I think a lot of people would actually probably prefer that to be honest aleksander it's really cold down there this time of year I'm really hoping my daughter will be able to meet me for the first time in two weeks at the Memphis Children's Museum I'm a little worried she will not be able to meet me I have something called dyslexia I have a hard time reading books reading magazine reading magazine what the [ __ ] did you just say [Music] my goodness William what's riding on this what's what's so different about this episode than every other week some man from AOL that company reached out to me two weeks ago said I want you to be our main spokesperson on our commercials I was like what do you mean AOL I thought that was defunct he was like no not really we have a side project called soro - it's a new Zorro movie coming out he was like I really want you to just sort of be the spokesperson at that point in time I was down in Pensacola Beach Florida I was watching jaws the revenger bunch let's check in the feminists Stacy over here I just never liked AOL as the company why can't it be you've got female or you've got cyber sex I used to cyber sex you did with the best of them my my my name was Pat 106 at aol.com I was on the gay chat rooms oh yeah what kinds of things would you say in the gay chat rooms William I would say Michael meet me in the cul-de-sac in two hours please our conversation is making me hot I don't know what to do I wanted for gone via Congo right now why aren't you laughing you son of a [ __ ] [Music] shut the [ __ ] up seems to be like you've got a new [ __ ] little slogan is this shirt and you get her done shut the [ __ ] up just turn on audience members William well just be quite frank Tony when a Muslim person is talking [ __ ] oh my god it makes my skin crawl all right all right when did you when did this Muslim thing become a new situation this is the probably two years ago I I was a a subscriber to Encyclopedia Britannica I was reading a bunch and I got to the m encyclopedia and I started reading up on Muslim folk if you want to call him man what would you call them what do you call them I called them hey Michael Spencer if that's actually your name are you actually gonna meet me in the cul-de-sac tonight oh Jesus did you ever meet any of these guys in the cul-de-sac did you ever actually end up hooking up with a with a guy from the chat rooms ain't a man named Andrew Michael he had something if you want to call it what I'm about to call it just a guy without feet so wait he just had he had calves and like he just it just ended at his ankle he was born with a condition not dissimilar to the condition I was born with something called hammer toe but he was born with that and he got on AOL and he was Michael Ryan 86 for Zorro wow you're just you're combining all the things that you had and well calm and I was talking to him Pat 106 at aol.com things got hot and heavy my mother Frances was worried just sort of about the dialogue that was occurring we were talking about sex we were talking about you name it all right William Montgomery ladies and gentlemen there it is another new minute were William it looks like only I got the wink tonight he just winked directly at me the famous William Montgomery wink there he goes how about one more time for William everyone was one of my favorite sets he's done in a while that was great he's great it's not easy to come up with a brand new minute every single week that you're putting out there on the internet and it's brand-new and you're fully exposed like that and it's very very incredible that he does that and is always hilarious through his interview part which brings us to our other regular everybody this guy makes waves every single week known for his incredible joke writing and great roasting skills here he comes again the one the only David Lucas everybody here we go let's go people make some noise it's David Lucas you don't find so many black girls who are into BDSM and then I thought about it our ancestors had two hundred years of that [ __ ] I see why you're not into the only reason I date white women is to tie them up and beat them you know there's I was with this one white girl I had her tied up and I was whipping her and like the week before I watched roots so like my emotions got into it I was like what your name is quisha no Rebecca I was like yo name is Keisha [ __ ] you Keisha now [ __ ] yes dude Wow Wow again and again and again you blow my mind every single week I get a little more nervous because I knew again I recognize how hard this is you know you and William have completely different to find styles and he's great at improvising and sort of like being loosey-goosey and super silly and you come out here and you're able to follow it every single week with well written a solid smart favorite joke like that one that's great it's just so impressive how long have you been doing it I've been doing comedies and I was a teenager but Susan for like the last six years yeah very good from Atlanta Georgia no makin makin just took it just took a job as the newest door guy here and their nominees they fit me though I gotta that's sort of fits you make it look like it fits what you do what do you do to stretch out a jacket like that biz crosswalk car seat [Laughter] David Lucas giving them that look David's eyes turned bright red right before he's about to run somebody turns a Teen Wolf style it's hard to make fun of these characters though the band's yeah I can't do it what's your jacket stand for what do you represent gay people okay all right how dare you represent totally holding it like a newborn kangaroo okay all right baby Joey hands come on Jesus come on take it easy on me or I'll tweezers [ __ ] isn't they gonna like the Oklahoma City bomber hey dog Hitler son lookin ass [ __ ] named Steve a Hitler yeah we look like a diabetic kill monger [Music] David coming out guys oh shut the [ __ ] out with that poor hub mustache look like you woke up this morning and wash your face with sandpaper you know you wash your face with gravy oh my goodness you look like you're responsible for spinach have any Co lining I'm surprised you know what spinach is you got you got a big-ass mouth you got a mouthful of Steve Harvey teeth Oh goddamn y'all can see this [ __ ] - he look like he look like his mouth wind up everyone forgot a mouthful of molars not all Halloween teeth my friends teeth work better they don't think I'm missing like three I needs Oh Dennis of this my goodness both people that look like Aphrodite have killed up here tonight this is incredible I don't totally look like he do valet at Cheesecake Factory you would know what the valet guys at Cheesecake Factory is looking shut your skinny ass up you look like you want a liquid diet you can only drink water your diet oh my god you brushing your teeth with dancer saying Brown my fans desert sand what kind of sand is that different than regular saying oh you got that Saudi Arabian importance there oh my god Jesus Christ you like you just go home and put your face in the sandbox oh my goodness I don't even know what I actually do that sometimes I have a sandbox ostrich yeah yeah absolutely Wow David uh I mean my goodness I don't want to I don't want to kill this roasting momentum but how's uh how's life going how's the new job you fitting in you meeting everybody but you making a lot of friends here your work hey Tony used to work at The Comedy Store his job was to be in the flagpole microphone stay with all that black oh my goodness he's hurt my feelings sometimes he's really hurt sometimes CatDog look at us what do you say cat dog you don't cat no in the car - little nickelodeon cat la cat though you like a cat at a dog at the same [ __ ] time cat dog is that I don't I don't know if you bought the roof for me out oh my god Jesus Christ yeah you got a pumpkin spice latte you couldn't be any wider up here my goodness hey well you need is some potato salad with raisins in it oh my god you are ruthless I thought every day you [ __ ] tell me a new [ __ ] no homo no I now and lord knows you could probably use another [ __ ] every single week he comes out guns a-blazing with a brand new minute and then right off the top of his [ __ ] head comes out and [ __ ] makes fun everybody know and stop you are a goddamn star David Lucas and we're glad that we have you here on Phil Tony there he goes the great powerful David Lucas everybody [ __ ] yeah instant legend the goat monster things are moving what do you say back to the bucket one more time huh let's go here we go this is it the bucket of destiny will decide how this show goes make some noise your final comedian of the night most likely and he goes by the name of Russell Robertson Russell Robertson double R Russell Robertson we are live here at the Comedy Store well hey comes from the lobby believe this is his first time on this show I'm gonna find out all about him here he is one more time final comedian Russell Robertson what's going on it's way more than three people here it's a lot more dating stuff out here in LA right guys it's tough the girls have these really high expectations it's crazy like you're not allowed to be married it's rough I love my wife though I met her at church so we were very religious and very horny so is nice it's expensive being married though right it's different from when you're single when you sing all you have to do is take her out to dinner and you know whatever and then when you're married it's expensive you got to pay for prostitutes it's tough out there thank you guys that's my time my name is Russell Thank You Wow only 40 seconds from Russell Robertson heck yeah Russell get back up here Russell come here Russell Russell where the [ __ ] are you boy what's going on here Russell only they still talk to you take the mic yeah I'll see you guys later I got a chair to get back to my wife is me right now I uh Russell Robertson only did 40 seconds but by the looks yeah you're not you're used to coming in short on your time huh uh well actually here I look a lot shorter than my dating online profile it's a lot tall I'm six-two so for the girls out there online I get this I can't decide what's real and what's not are you married are you saying married I am and forth so much and you you just in a relationship with her you guys in an open relationship no it's not open it's just fun how long have you been with her been with her about four years married for two married for two heck yeah you live here in Los Angeles yeah I live in Torrance huh so I guess now South Bay how long you been doing stand-up I've been doing saying about four months four months a short time mr. shorter a short again it's good heck yeah what do you do for work I do set dressing and I have a production company wish you commercials and music videos set dressing heck yeah David Lucas loves dressing ranch [ __ ] there he is I'm sorry I'm sorry I didn't see go over there against the black wall he's upset give ups blending in yeah can we get aphrodite to give him that glowy thing oh [ __ ] this is crazy over here it's out of control so tell us something interesting about your life Russell tell us something that we can work with here what's a fun fact about Russell Roberts do you want to cheat on your wife no no you don't I don't definitely not in the weekdays for sure but for real have you would you would you cheat no she's too hot because what if she won't like what about her my mind is that's what I was talking about her Minds there yeah no what were you asking I was serious like that's gonna go away is her hotness the only thing that's done out she's she's amazing I feel very lucky to be with her I actually don't know I landed her I was 31 and she's 22 right you know I had a flip phone and exactly how that's right Wow 31 and 22 what did she do she is a hair product pusher right okay hair products she sells hair products different salons you know and she does makeup and all that you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom that you like to do and these special skills or talents in there any uh anything you could tell on sign there I'm happy my favorite position in the bedroom is 69 because it's all about equality Hey male feminist like that male feminist knows what's up heck yeah anything else about the way you were raised or you know my dad is ex-marine you know he served in Vietnam uh-huh so that was always fun it's very intense yeah what happened what happened to you what happened to me I know they'd be so much talking I don't know yeah it's very intense I used to have a drum set in my room so at 5:00 a.m. you always want me to wake up and you start playing drums really loud you know how to play the drums yeah really oh [ __ ] well no doubt about it get your ass back there okay so let me do you know what a Mexican drum off is Russell you were about to walk off after your set you haven't you have no idea what show you're at right now this is very exciting so let me tell you something Russell you're the first person to not know how the show works that could possibly become a permanent member of the show so about to be a Mexican drum off here which means that you get a drum solo and then the drummer Joel Jimenez gets a drum solo you could do whatever you want you could use comedic value you could use overall performance you could just basically you know do anything that you set your mind to in this drum solo if you win this drum solo competition you become the new full-time drummer on kills oh yeah whoa yeah heavy heck yeah you travel the world with us that means you'll be going to Columbus Pittsburgh and Cleveland doing giant theaters with us this weekend we travel the world and you will be part of that crew you'll be on every home episode here at the Comedy Store it's an hour and a half every single Monday if you being in the number one live podcast in the world you can do it by beating him in a drum solo the only problem is he's never lost a Mexican drum off in his life Wow he's undefeated all time he's beaten people all around the world but this is your chance Russell take that microphone right there grab it for a second are you it are you excited about this how do you feel he's super excited do you say it into the microphone you [ __ ] very excited how long have you been playing drums for in the microphone eighth grade eighth grade so how many years is that if you had to guess two years I don't know 20 years maybe 20 years playing that he's still trying to get laid on this show 20 years of experience playing the drums ladies and gentlemen this is a Mexican drum off and this is Russell Robertson here we go go [Music] Wow pretty good real quick I want to give a shout out to somebody I spot in the back of the room he was on the show years ago and he's gone on to wild success make some noise for drew Lynch way in the back of the room everybody America's Got Talent yeah drew we love you drew how's it going buddy we were just talking about you before tonight's show if it's telling Andrew about all the amazing people that we found before the Big Show's did and you came up we love you one more time for Jule Inge now Russell I'm gonna be honest with you that was a pretty that was a pretty decent drum solo Joel Berg Joel Jimenez takes this very seriously here stand over there stand right there and now ladies and gentlemen I present to you undefeated all-time in Mexican drum ops he's fighting for his life he takes it very very seriously I present you Chalmers Joel Jimenez [Applause] Wow oh my goodness he's got a blow-up doll he's got the purple dildo his [ __ ] he's [ __ ] a bull with a dildo oh my god so I had to bring his wife out with Wow he's not [ __ ] around he said that he will die up here before he loses a Mexican drum-off this is Joburg to luminous [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] with the marble dildo Wow [Music] [Music] go [ __ ] yourself you [ __ ] idiot Wow Solberg trolling mantas ladies and gentlemen oh my good always is doing a spinaroonie with a purple dildo oh my god all right we got to do it because the audience decides how many of you have Russell Robertson winning that one Wow just some pure haters in the hotheads how many of you have Joel Berg Joel Jimenez winning that is as much fun as an episode gets everybody hello hello can this place get for the great Andrew Schultz wow so much fun of course check out everything he does if you're not already but you probably are flagrant to the crowd works special all the amazing specials follow him on everything social media Shultz without a t schul Z so much fun thank you thank you it's amazing telling you real quick you're dismissed get the [ __ ] out of here he goes Russell Robertson everybody's on social media at the Robertson underscore CEO hey look at the band leader everyone it's the one and only Jeremiah walkins Jeremiah Watkins Jeremiah stand up on social media a new episode of Jeremiah wonders inside I mention your dates earlier you're going to Kansas City Chicago and Detroit Jeremiah walkins com+ the big gay calendar or anything else Jeremiah oh yeah check out the new episode with Fortune theme strand Jeremiah wonders and subscribe to my YouTube calm sighs Jeremiah walk in there you go we had an amazing male feminist here tonight how about a hand for the great Jesse Johnson everybody [Applause] [Music] Jesse what's going on everything good yeah I just did a bunch of shows in Vegas or shout out to the local Vegas tea and for showing me some love thank you heck yeah and your social media is at jet ski johnson jet ski je t s ki jo hn s o n all one word check out this drawing from the great ryan je belt all of his prints are ryan je belt comm including tonight's you see this schultzy look at this [ __ ] thing he does this while we're doing the episode he's started with a blank piece of paper kill Tony the book available now Ryan je belt calm and on Amazon its Amazon Prime ready to go for the holiday season for that kill Tony fan in your life and that's right San Antonio Houston Calgary Vancouver Columbus Pittsburgh Cleveland this weekend and before we end this thing how about one more time for Joel Berg Joel Jimenez undefeated the record is in position he's on every episode of the show he's not going anywhere next week is I must warn you in extremely an extremely special episode again of kill Tony this is going to be what we're calling episode 420 so that's a or 2-0 so yes we're gonna have a very very very another very special guest for that one as well so be here I can't even announce who it is that's how crazy the guest is going to be so for those of you that come every week and all that we love you so much thank you guys so much right then see you guys good night everybody [Music] [Music]

Channel: Kill Tony

Views: 708,746

Keywords: Kill, Tony, podcast, Comedy, Store, Belly, Room, Hollywood, stand, up, comedian, comedy, jokes, panel, one, minute, cat, angry, west, bear, Hinchcliffe, Brian, Redban

Id: ReVmcQZaQ0w

Length: 99min 22sec (5962 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 18 2019