Kevin Nealon | | Club Random with Bill Maher

love random don't stand because it's so tall have you lost any of that height Kevin it's been embarrassing people like me for years you know I'd be like at a height range of five eight to six four it depends on who I'm with right now I'm 5 10. and that's for you can you imagine so I was saying to someone today they're like anything coming up I said I am so excited Kevin Neal is coming over today and I just thought it's so kind of sad that you know we've known each other for so long and it takes a work thing to get us to sit down and do what we really should have done which is drink and then [ __ ] each other again no you know what I'm saying no no we so often see the people we really like only when we're working with them why is that well somebody asked me uh today they said do you uh you guys are friends right I said yeah but you know we just don't seem to hang out I've known bill for about 40 years right you know and I remember I used to see at the Improv to a stand-up in the beginning and I knew you know you know how you go to those clubs a lot you know everybody's move with their act you know their act inside out and I would watch you and I think okay here's a guy who's been influenced by Johnny Carson I could see the move still to this day yeah no just though in a monologue definitely not a monologue and not in your private life no no not in my stand-up but in a monologue stand yes and like I don't even want to not be that that's what I grew up emulating and by the way he got it from Jack Benny did he really yeah Johnny Carson would always say a lot of his moves and you can see it in Jack Benny too she's basically doing Jack Benny then kind of and I'm sure he's doing somebody or maybe not maybe he was the original I don't know but it's worked for 30 years how could I keep doing it but that is true you know you you know these people and you just don't really hang out with them because everybody's working well whatever I have to say this show and sitting with people like you I am just killing it with guys these days I have gotten so many new guys well I remember uh when I was breaking up with my wife I was getting divorced wait not the one I know no this is this is a long time ago so this your first one yeah yeah and uh and we're going to break up and always remember this you said if you need a place to stay come on over to my house I said that yeah can you believe that that's why we never got to know each other that's right because that was our big shot but I always remember that that was really kind of you to say that and uh well I guess you kind of have experience of guys breaking up oh my God this I mean we're here at Club random but I came here back in the 80s in the 60s actually it was unbelievable you wouldn't know what happened down here whoa yeah well Club random I hope will reinvigorate a little bit of the spirit of the 60s I love it man I love it yes but but no there's a guest house this is not of course I don't know people said to me do you live here how could I live for you yeah I live under this orange light and I sleep on this stripper pole what are you talking about do I live here no and I'm like where I live there's a guest house and that guest house was for many years the divorce house like many friends of mine when they were going through Alan Thicke now he didn't live there but like uh he could have many others did like it was a sort of a halfway house before they like landed at the Bel Air hotel if they were so lucky or wherever they were getting somebody's couch I don't know yeah yeah but uh because I was the guy who never got married I was the guy who I was like the designated guy for breakups did you ever come close to getting married sure really yes but I never got my toe caught in the Trap what what happened at the last minute it's like being a fish and this debate and you nibble around it and you just don't want to get the hook in your mouth but sometimes you do and sometimes people want the hook how long you how long were you uh well you probably remember oh I probably shouldn't say names this describe her face oh like droopy eyes I was with someone from for five years it was my longest relationship from 1988 to 1993. so we knew each other briefly I mean in the but see you were yeah you were back in California then or certainly oh yeah I knew you back in the yeah it was back in the 1900s actually no this was probably like around 1981. 81 Man by the way you were like a pitcher with like the ultimate slider because you you are the even a show business veteran like me you are just the master at like hooking you into like really thinking you're going to a place of just serious and then just completely at the last minute that thing breaks hard to the right and on a lefty you cannot get wood on that I really I really have a problem with myself for that because I'll be talking serious sometimes and people like no I know because your serious thing as I'm saying you're serious voices so you know you disguise the joke so perfectly and then of course when you don't tell a joke we're all disappointed no but I know I have a problem I think it's a defense mechanism where I just try you know I want people to feel comfortable you know wow you mean to go for the laugh no just to be around me I mean I'm not talking that I'm a huge star which I am but I think I think yeah I don't I don't get you know intimidated that much or nervous but I met Daryl uh Hall earlier right he was just on your show I met him on the way out and I was a little uh I was a little nervous really yeah because he's a rock star no because he knows John Oates no but I grew up you know listening I grew up listening to you know rich girl and uh oh well of course and a million of those songs that's the only song I know but Sarah Sarah smiled oh man-eater Dave man-eater they they killed it I mean they were they were that is really hard to do to chart as they say in the business the record business yeah to chart like consistently like one after another even for a decade that is you know very few have done it for more than everybody gets who's like on that level gets a decade very The Beatles got a decade the Eagles got a decade you know um very few people get like more than one decade maybe Elton John you know who was telling me that Madonna I was reading that Madonna has had a hit and a lot for every deck every decade Madonna four or five you can still put out a great dance record a great like the I play Madonna here in club random when we're not taping Madonna is great for that and I'm talking about 21st Century Madonna Like she put out a couple of great albums the last one I was less enthusiastic about but she does not disappoint as a she seems like an ice queen as a person but she does not disappoint as a artist you know would you rather have it the other way around what she doesn't disappoint as a no person and I know my screen for music I know what do I get with my daughter's personality is I mean she just seems like somebody who I mean I can't see her here because this is kind of like a down and dirty place and I feel like she's a diva I remember when she was uh I could be wrong when she was on SNL she was doing coffee Johnny did I said no she was doing this catch coffee talk with Mike Myers and there was a scene where they had to kiss and in the her dressing room beforehand I walked by there and they were kind of talking with a sketch and I heard her say to him remember when we kissed no tongue no tongue well I can't that one I can't lay at her doorstep I think any woman would probably say that especially to a perv like Mike Myers right maybe I mean you don't yes you I mean a sex scene in a movie I mean everyone oh it must be so much fun I've talked to very few people who enjoyed it um except Bruce Willis about like it was like when he was on uh you know what was the detective show he did right Moonlighting which was awesome that was good I liked Moonlighting a lot he was amazing in it but he said yeah it's like it's 8 A.M I have back on my breath and my tongue is in Cheryl teague's mouth but he was he was not complaining which is why I love her what a run he had huh yeah oh my gosh it's Willis I remember him when he used to hang out at the Improv because remember because he loved comedy and he came from New York and he kind of missed the New York Vibe right um but every time I'm in a hotel uh like and I'm looking at the movie guy to see what you know because they a lot of hotels still have the uh you know this I'm sure as well as any traveling Troubadour comedian you know that still in theaters movies and they're very often movies you would never see in a theater or really aren't in a theater but they're trying to sell that idea because they're new and like out of 50 of them Bruce Willis will be in like nine this guy at one point at some point made this decision I will do anything if it's I can shoot it in three days right because he's always like the bad guy or the something guy they put his name in the title which is a great compliment you know just his head and his name and like oh sure I'll watch that and and I'm sure they shot it in three days I guarantee he did not spend more than a week away from home and yeah pocketed a lot of bullion for that and you remember when they used to have bullion no but I'll tell you this on the movie The Fortune in 1980 Marlon Brando did not trust the um people making the movie and demanded that he get his salary which was 3 million for 10 days which back in 1980 was a lot but he was coming off the Godfather and you know it was like a get to get Brando it was you know so you know he had so okay 10 days of shooting and he demanded to be paid in gold are you kidding me and every day a Brinks truck would pull up with I swear to God I have this on good authority with three hundred thousand dollars in gold at the end of each shooting day wow I get it man I get it you do yeah you get that well I'm not I'm so crazy [ __ ] thing to do what are you out of your mind well I'm hitting crypto what do you do with the gold take it home and put it in your desk I know your paper weights door stoppers it's just ridiculous it's one of those one of those Stars they're not just like us they're nuts and they do nutty things do you know Chuck Berry uh used to demand his money up front cash Chuck Berry oh yes yeah of course money's got to be up front he would tour he would never bring a band too expensive he would use local musicians he would tell them three chords he he was grumpy and he would just he learned my songs before I get there and it truly they're not that hard songs to learn yeah you know yet he influenced so many um musicians yeah whenever I was a musician would come through SNL like Aerosmith I go to um uh Joe Perry and I said who who was your influence I was always Chuck Berry really buddy Chuck Berry Chuck Berry Chuck Berry even Aerosmith they don't sound anything like Chuck Berry well it's how they learn you know even the Beatles The Beatles Love Chuck Berry yeah they literally covered some of his songs Roll Over Beethoven yeah it's a great amazing John Lennon vocal a lot of Jerry Lee Lewis in them too what Jerry Lee Lewis Jerry Lee Lewis who the Beatles do you listen to The Beatles station yes of course they they never covered Jerry Lee Lewis he didn't hear the songs I heard what tell me the song that Jerry Lee Lewis did the flip side if I Want to Hold Your Hand it's not really it's not a cover the flip side what is what's the song I don't know no but I think he was he influenced them a lot influence is different they never covered him no no no they didn't cover him but they covered yeah yeah and then and do you know who I love listening to in that Beatles station is Peter Asher Peter Asher his sister used to oh yes Paul McCartney Oh do you know I think one of the probably best Beetle biographies and there's a million of them is the one really that Paul McCartney wrote himself even though it's attributed to Barry miles but it's like Barry miles I guess who was his friend I'm not sure who he is I forgot but they're close obviously and it's really just him quoting Paula it's almost like Paul McCartney wrote the book but he didn't want to put it I don't know but it's basically Paul McCartney's autobiography and Peter Asher yes was the brother of Jane Asher that's right and this is so interesting I never knew this until I read the book Paul McCartney at the height of their Fame in beetlemania lived in Jane Asher's attic that's right really they had this apartment in London that was his girlfriend but not really like they were never like okay you have to be loyal you know he's kg about it but you gotta imagine it's open for all the Beatles you know no one's gonna say this is exclusive you know it's rock and roll we're on the road I guess anyway but plainly she was the girlfriend and he lived in a Garrett like on the top of their like their spare room like where the sewing machine was and for like three years uh like 64 or five six that kind of and would there was a exit he could take that allowed him to like Miss the traffic of the people on the Main Street so he wouldn't get mobbed like he'd go to a back way into an alley or something but I thought that was amazing that somebody at that Pinnacle of their time it is not only that but he used to write he wrote songs for Peter like he was in the band Peter and Gordon he wrote one song and it's a great song World Without Love yeah amazing Melody that you could tell as a mccartney-esque melody and it was a hit for them but it would have been a hit for anybody hey what about and what do you think Paul Mark do you think the other Beatles go why are you giving away your songs like that like you know uh with Badfinger a couple of songs that really sounded like the Beatles absolutely well Badfinger was different because Badfinger was signed to their label so it helped them all right well then the other one it was his girlfriend's brother so like you know people have people have reasons for giving away their songs I agree I feel like songs great songs are such a great Gem and a rarity that you would hoard them but look at how many amazing songs they did wind up writing so I guess they didn't think oh this is this is not that hard I I could afford to you ever write a joke for somebody and give it to them I'd go oh man I wish I kept that no but but I have given away jokes that I were not appropriate for me like the ones that start as a black man um yeah sometimes I'll give away a joke and then I'll think oh man I should have kept that one but in the moment it was like yeah you need this you need this joke you know well we we are I mean I I no matter how good you're doing it or how much material you have we're always going to be joke hoarders because we remember when we were hungry and we didn't have enough jokes to get through like even 20 minutes so we it's almost like when you're starting out and you're poor and you're eating a lot of the club food the free food that you get and so when there's free food you kind of like eat as much as you can or you try to take it with you you know it's like oh there's some food and that's good to have that food and it's a little like that as you you never lose those kind of like insecurities that was ingrained in you when you were starting out so yes I write everything that could possibly be of use and very often I say to myself you don't have to you know you've got enough this is probably not ever going to make it to the a list so what are you writing it I I might someday need more and I remember starting out and I would go to The Comedy Store in The Improv and there'd be Comics up there were so many jokes and I had nothing and I thought why can't 20 Comics give me just one of their jokes 20 different Comics right that way I'd have at least 10 minutes you know and I'm nothing now I mean would it hurt them that much if they gave me one joke well that's what the Communists would do Kevin I know that's why I've always been a communist no that's called being generous and helping you know helping a generous if it's voluntary communism if it's forced I wouldn't it wouldn't be forced I would say would you guys want to give me uh one of your jokes if you wanna if people want to volunteer to give you uh something of value that they have that should be their right but you shouldn't be forced by the King's Men uh in your home which is sacrosanct to the like the King's Castle and forced to do these things Kevin I hope I hope my you've been getting my newsletter about having what we can live a liberate Jerry in life we are brought to you by signal wire signal wire Powers the future of cloud Communications built by the tech ogs the original Geeks of software-defined Telecom their mission is to make it simple for you to build whatever you can imagine using 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it was never your thing no it's never my thing yeah that's fine I don't I don't I don't I don't thank you I still like you I still like you I don't judge I don't judge I really don't um I mean I do but not this I don't like to be out of control really you know I love it do you you have to be out you think it kind of warms does it numb you no it doesn't want to be full why would I want to be numb I want to be numb if I'm in pain I'm not in pain I'm like having a great time getting high and talking with a great guy who's hysterically funny who's making me laugh who I've wanted to know better for a thousand years why would I want to dull that you know what I in fact I passed that cocaine and Academy get one word in for one minute no you can't I want to thank you for every time I came on uh real real time and Politically Incorrect you are too much you were so nice you were because I would go on there when I I must when I turned 60. hello I'm over here when I turned 60. I woke up one morning you can watch the tape you hear what I said I woke up and I said you know what I'm gonna do the stuff that scares me I'm tired of like being a you know like hiding out and not taking a chance I said it now and I said it before so you must agree with it I said to myself I said I'm going to start doing stuff that scares me and one of them was uh Real Time with Bill Maher the other one was Howard Stern oh wow and I always avoid the stern because I knew he put people on the spot and he makes you come back to the people but for some reason I started listening to his interviews he got a lot better and not doing that but I went on there prepared for anything and he came out and he was so nice he was so nice to me you know I I have a long storied history ups and downs with that man and it says I find it so sad these days that I can't see him because of the pandemic and you know we don't agree on that not that that I think has made us not like each other because we didn't have a good relationship for a very long time very bitter and then boy it all changed and it just shows this some great things about age and getting older and wiser and mellower and smarter and and and we became such good friends again this is like a romantic story like you know Bogey and then they met in Casablanca and it was going to be good again and then the war came and in this case the pandemic came and I don't think I'll ever see him again because I don't think he'll ever leave the house because he's well no you know he's very very um look I don't want to judge it but he's scared of germs come on I mean you know he said people have different views about that and they're allowed I don't agree with some things he said about the pandemic I think were very wrong you know we shouldn't treat people who don't get vaccinated stuff like that that has always been controversial and things I remember didn't you say something about recycling that it wasn't good didn't you yeah let's take a look no but I I and I think you say those things just to get ruffle feathers and get a conversation I've never ever never did that never ever once in my life uh well I mean on television Anyway said anything I don't believe just to be controversial no okay and I think you know when you look at what I've said it doesn't it's not crazy how do you think we do on a road trip together I think well it depends on the conditions of traveling traveling is all about how comfortable you can make it if it was a private plane and we'd had our hotel no I said a road trip we're on a road trip no that's out I mean I wouldn't I wouldn't go on a road trip alone would I drive or would you drive let's say you had to go but I mean the only way this could happen in real life is if it was a movie because again we'd be working see to get back to that theme we'd be working together okay so we're making this movie where we're it's a documentary we've got to drive across country it's a remake of little false and big Halsey okay you're obviously big Halsey um and I remember what that movie was about but it doesn't matter because we're using the title and we're driving across country on a horse no let's make it a car no let's make it a rocket ship okay no a car all right so first of all it's two-lane blacktop with James Taylor and Dennis Wilson no first of all the studio wants one of us to be black okay so right away you're out so no okay so say we do we do this movie um we would be essentially together all day yeah I mean the only way I would do it is if the if they gave us like a ton of money which they would not because there's no demand for this movie although after this interview who knows who knows what could happen um but if we did I could enjoy that I mean I remember the days of acting in the 80s and you know what was that movie you're in was it car wash or something well there was cannibal women in the avocado Jungle of death I was in DC cab TZ cab of course uh 11 Academy Awards who went to other films that year um but see I did one of you that's a good one that's a good one do you have a dog you have a dog here I see a lot of dog dishes I do here not in collaboration the guest room the guest building the guest building it's like this is the biggest building no there's up in the guest house oh that house yes you've got houses here you'll even know about it yeah there's a house up there you gotta check it out no I know about that house that's not the divorce that's when you get stoned that right no that house yes no that's not the divorce house though no no no no no uh yes well there are dogs two dogs I've always had two dogs I mean I know you're an animal lover right yeah I got a I had a great dog growing up um I mean really smart and your dog's smart which do you have a book to do over my dog did a lot of tricks but they're all sleight of hand why do you ever did you think I was gonna bore you you might start reading I actually had uh earbuds in oh my God is that Shandling that is Shandling holy [ __ ] and so this is a book oh that's your book I exaggerate it's caricatures oh my God let me see that book done it's called I exaggerate my brushes with Fame oh and I've just did a lot of characters of people you'll recognize some of them in there and then a little antidote on the opposite page just talking about my experience with them oh what a great idea for a book as a favor to you I did not put you in there I I don't deserve to be in here because we've never done this these are noodles you have no anecdotes about me see now we're creating anecdotes and that's what it's all about in this business Kevin is creating anecdotes wow you're ever I know all these people are and they're really good too these I would sketch on airplanes on a napkin or a barf bag isn't it interesting yeah yeah is it oh my God that's a great Robin Williams you got the hair too yeah I talk about Robin Williams when I first came out here Friedman perfect I know Jesus that's it I do have a thing again Bud Friedman for those who don't know is the man who really invented yeah the place where we all started he started the Improv in 1962 as an Off-Broadway place in New York for a performance to go after the show they were still keyed up they were drugged they wanted to perform they had more songs in them they were on the adrenaline of the high from the Applause in on Broadway and it would come after the show in the early 60s and do something very hip and improvisational and they would be quiet in the back of the room and then comedians came in and so it became the first Comedy Club I walked by there a couple years ago it's like an Italian restaurant now oh yeah but the brick wall is still in there it really is and that's what okay from all the comedy clubs having a brick wall you know right The Improv I remember when there were brick wall TV shows is that right well the first show I ever did was uh I came out here to do I think it was maybe evening at the end yeah yeah did you do that a couple times yeah it was like they just literally put the camera in the comedy club who hosted your uh show I don't remember that but I do remember I did the Young comedian special in 1983 Kara liefer was another one of the young Comedians and the host was John Candy no way really and I was very nervous to meet him and like yeah and he was probably six years older than me I was 27 he was 33. I I thought he was like because he was a star and he was you know anyway oh my God Johnny Carson oh this is you see the small coming out of Johnny's mouth Yes it used to come out of his mouth after the breakouts and then he laughed and you get that residual oh wow these are amazing wow and you wrote rude words to Oh Andy Kaufman Eddie Kaufman wow oh my gosh can I keep this one I wish I could give that to you but I only have 2 000. no this is the only one I have it's an advanced copy so I kind of even I really appreciate it I see Humphrey Bogart you don't know Humphrey Bogart no but I I met um Lauren Bacall I did a film with her and um yeah okay what um it was called uh All I Want For Christmas Christmas movie and she told me stories about Humphrey Bogart are you [ __ ] with me I'm not look at me so you tell me if this is true or not but you did a Christmas movie yeah and Lauren because was in there and what was the plot of this movie well let me just tell you what happened where there was kids in there and they're running around all the time they're like 10 years old actors in the movie chasing each other and this infuriated Lauren Bacall Betty recolor she'd be standing on the stairs probably yeah okay and one she finally broke she said would somebody please stop these imbeciles from running around so here's a great story she got she got into a fight with Humphrey at home because uh Humphrey didn't uh alive then yeah yeah no no no this is before okay so make that clear he you may really shouldn't get stoned where you don't know you made it I would hardly go there she got into a fight with him when they were married yeah but you didn't say that I mean people don't remember you didn't let me finish if there's people if there's people who were younger they don't know that Humphrey Bogart died in 1957. did he really yes how do you know that I just numbers like dates stick in my mind I don't know but you could look that up on your magic light box and I swear to God he died in 1957. so how did you like that story all right now go ahead what happened I have two stories on a Humphrey Bogart so okay so let's set the stage you're on this movie with Lauren McCall who's Bogey's Widow that's correct they married in 1945. I'm like the [ __ ] at the beginning of the movie thing yes they met on to have or have not a movie she was 19. he was 45. uh it was 1945. so everyone thought that that was like outrageous 45 and 19. let's just not go there Kevin uh you're okay so uh and then yeah they had 12 years together and she once called him the handsomest ugly man in the world oh man so by the time you worked with her she's 80 an old bag she's not 80. I think she was my age now but she you probably have more Humphrey Bogart stories than I am apparently all right so here's one you don't know I got into a fight because he did not wash the dishes or something and he left the house he slammed the door and he was gone for two days and then she's getting worried about him finally she gets a phone call it's help free he asks if she could come and pick him up he's down a PCH walking from Long Beach and she gets in the car goes to pick him up she's driving down Pacific Coast Highway and she sees him on the side of the road walking toward her just holding a single rose last story right wow what was the rose for the other one that was really crazy is that she said that when Humphrey got cancer he would be up in his bedroom and yeah he got really frail lost a lot of weight and they would have people come over for dinner and he want to miss out so she would fold them into the dumb waiter and they would lower him down oh and he would come out of the box it would come out at the bottom to greet the guests and um for Gen Z Kevin what is a dumb waiter have you ever eaten at cantors yes they get dumb waiter over there a dumb waiter is like an elevator back in the 40s they would bring dishes I don't think you know what it is you're looking at me like what's a dumb waiter no I do know what it is I wish I didn't I wish I was Genji yeah but you're you know but yeah it was like an elevator for for things instead of a person that was smaller than an elevator laundry so that if you if the maids were up on the second floor and the people in the kitchen needed something from the second floor they would lower it down through the dumb waiter like you want to tell the Gen Z what a kitchen is I'd like to tell my wife what a kitchen is an example of a joke I would give to you because I can't do it because I'm not married that joke doesn't work for me see but you don't do wife jokes because I'm trying to be you're hysterical you should totally do that you are missing a big Trick In fact I think you should become a kind of a one-issue comedian just my wife my wife my wife no you have a beautiful lovely wife who who um do you remember any jokes from the comics that influence you growing up of course I was you know I was a fan of Stanley Myron Handelman well yes I remember Stanley Myron hendelman he was the best those are the those were the days like early 70s when there was one new comic a year yeah a year like this year it's Stanley Myron hendelman you know and then you got every show Merv Griffin and all the talk shows every you just got my rights to tell me my gentlemen I mean you've got some of the older crowd that were making the rounds Charlie Callas Don Rickles you know but as far as new ones you got him yeah you know yeah no I used to read the jokes in the back of the Parade Magazine every Sunday my favorite jokes and then I would memorize them go to a party and tell them like they were my own jokes I personalized them and I come up to somebody say hey did you guys hear about the guy who um who robbed up a fire truck he stole a fire truck downtown on Main Street that from that fire station down there you kidding me no no they said did they get him I said yeah he was arrested by some guy who stole a cop car it was like from the back magazine you just made a conversation you had a conversational right and one guy a friend of mine goes you should go into New York and do those comedy clubs this is still how you get your message I still do it and then Parade Magazine is still a thing no no I saved the copies [Music] [Applause] I did ah okay what are you still working out no seriously whenever I think of you I think man he's kept himself in good shape well it's great to have a bro like you ask a question like that to us no I know you are um well do you have a gym here yes is it called a random gym if you randomly go in there I mean it's a a gym yes I have a room that's not big it has some very basic equipment solar Flags wow I had not thought about Soloflex in probably 35 years I had one in my first apartment in West Hollywood how quickly does that become a clothes rack yeah a solo Flex with the Rings yes I want to do a segment on my show called your product is a piece of [ __ ] where I would just show products that are you're just you just made a piece of [ __ ] and it it's more prevalent now I think than ever people who just don't care about their work and they sell you something that just in some fundamental way just doesn't work like you know how hard would it be to have the teammaker thing go down you know stay up when it instead of just sliding down that's what you're a teammaker thing yeah you know like you it's like that French Press yeah yeah and I had six of them five of them it didn't work really how hard are you pressing no it's not pressure I'm trying to keep it up I gotta take a break we'll be back after this bill mark laughs man these Club cigarettes I tell you I don't know what they're what do they call them clothes oh I think it's just the cloves they put in there you know I think they come from exotic lands you know where they smoke on TV shows what happened to weeds what oh yes honey Rosa it's a honey Reserve I've never heard of it that's what they smoke on all the TV shows and movies yeah sure right because you're not allowed to but it's got a little of a kick to it because they get it from the honey Rose uh honey Rose cartel in Colombia you see this is one of those moments where I think you're [ __ ] oh seriously I know honey Colombia I know you are but when you say I'm serious you're just setting me up for the bigger one so like honey sounds like a giant punchline waiting to kick me in the nuts no have you ever come in contact with Mafia have a come into contact with the mafia is the question from our listeners uh I have let's see I well you know when I started uh there was the club was catch a rising star that I'm sure you remember yeah well the first Club I ever went to is that right it is because that my friend goes you got to go to New York check out those clubs so I go in there and it's packed people smoking the comics Richard Belzer Very Yes Yes uh Glenn super oh my God shift sorry to that yes I know Mark still a great guy Ellison well at Levinson that was catch your rising star was my life from like 1979 when I started to like when I moved out here in 83 and my goal was to be the emcee because the MC was the you know you were City Hall so when I got that it was like great you know and I would bring up Belzer like you said all these these great people yeah I mean I'm still friendly with the guy the owner Rick it was Rick Newman's country Rick Newman great guy yeah great love him and you know remember Barry Diamond of course Barry diamond it was a shoebox George Wallace I mean everybody worked the club but some you know we all had our own club some was The Improv some was catch some was the comic strip Seinfeld and those guys were the comic strip the Long Island guys it seemed like uh Eddie Murphy and then there was The Improv acts and but I was a catch Act and the Rumor was always that the mob yeah right well the Joe piscope where they threw him down the stairs everyone heard that story The Joe Piscopo pissed somebody off and they I don't know you know it gets embellished they punched them you're saying they threw them down the stairs yeah yeah I heard they killed him but only momentarily and then the person you saw the bodybuilder after that was it remembered when Joe Piscopo got so into his own body yeah that he forgot he's a comedian and I mean he's the sweetest guy but like yeah yes we could it's big muscles are not something people care about in a comedian in fact they may be counterproductive I know it's distracting um when I was at SNL there was a guy that used to come up with his kid his kid had a cancer or something so they would bring him up they let him come in and you know he'd come to the show and he was so thankful the guy and then the kid got better they went off to college or whatever and the guy kept coming back and he was like a superintendent of a building and he got I think he might have been in the mob he would call me sometimes even Kevin if you ever need anything I mean anything you come to me well I mean I need material that's what I need can you write a sketch well so I got a feeling yeah he might have been connected I also I mean as long as we're going down this road now you're making me Rummage in my mind about the mom but when I was a pot dealer in New York this is not the college my dear you know because it's in New York selling pop I was not on the streets I saw it was all only in the clubs okay I mean the comics the the band Belzer still owes me twelve hundred dollars for pot and that's when an ounce was fifty dollars but he was the big act the MCA was better than blowing him no I'm kidding I love Richard Belzer and he was not asking me to belong but uh oh [ __ ] well we were talking about it was very important to me well it was very important to be you were talking about um selling pot in the clubs two other comedians yeah and uh you were not on a street a dealer and you like to catch her out of your stuff oh no the Mafia the mafia yeah look at that I'm stoned and I remembered and you did a big shot that's what you get for being tall and having the blood slow to your brain I just made that up but okay the mafia I when I was then in years okay so when I was at Cornell that was one dealer because when you're a pot dealer at The Comedy Club Cornell no no no no that's right learn to be a popular no so there I had we had of course when you're a dealer especially we were the always the Low by me and my partner we were the had the uh we're the lowest end we're selling individual ounces so we need a guy we're getting it from and then he gets it from a guy above him obviously so aren't my dealer there he was not the dealer I had when I then moved to New York to start comedy that was a different guy and that guy I think his brother was in the mom because he was very Italian and the thought was a very cheap I feel like I feel like how can you be selling pot for this price I think because my brother gets it by the ton and then this is like a little silent I don't know if that's true and I'm glad I left out the names but I think uh I remember once this I would go over his hat This was oh this is wonderful he lived in Connecticut I'll leave it at an undisclosed location I used to leave my [ __ ] up said [ __ ] box apartment on 8th Avenue yeah over the bus stop with my briefcase that my mother gave me for Christmas that looked like a lawyer's briefcase that I was using to then go transport pot I would walk down to Penn Station get the train up to this town in Connecticut walk because I was like Abe Lincoln Learning borrowing marijuana I love that sorry it's a great story I would walk to this pot dealer's house and this is I think his brother was in the mom and I would buy the pie and he always it was like back in the days when you had to like socialize with the dealer right you had to kind of be nice to the dealer I just wanted to get the pot and go yeah and I remember his wife would come in one time she accused if he was supposed to have quit pot and she said I I know you've been smoking no I'm just selling it he says this in front of me and she's no I think you've been smoking I haven't and she went I see some pot on your tooth but yeah those are my brushes with the mob I mean you know I don't know why they would you went to Vietnam didn't you uh I did not go to Vietnam I was lucky I um came of age to be drafted exactly as the war ended was that right yeah if you graduate high school uh 71. I'm 92. but I thought I remember going up in college looking at the draft numbers on the wall everybody's like crowded around it to see well and I still remember my number 61. but the war was winding down so they never got to that right see I graduated in 74. you actually could have gone yeah well no because they I think they stopped sending people new people they put our draft number up there I think a few people went but it was more like everybody else was coming back and they would say where are you guys going oh we're going back all right and then go back man what would we have been like if we were a little older and had been in a place like that because there was a comedian who won remember Blake Blake Clark yeah he told me some I said some of the realist [ __ ] about Vietnam you know not on stage but right the helicopter crashing the helicopter yeah crashed on top of a hill and all the Vietnamese were coming up to get them I didn't tell you that story no oh his helicopter he was announced he was in the helicopter and how did he get out of that well I don't know I guess they had backups coming in or whatever but he got on it but he's got a lot of shrapnel in him oh is that right yeah no he I mean he told me things that made so much sense that I'd never heard anywhere else like he said a lot of times when there's a firefight we stay under the wherever you have cover and just do this you know raise your arms above your head with the rifle and fire like that because they don't want to expose their head and I was like yeah that I I've always kind of wondered do guys do that and he and he would said you know it was we would like call in air strikes on monkeys just because we wanted to let make the people our Superior officers think we were doing something and wow that's you know like a lot of it was just let's just survive one more day we know no one's going to win this war We're Not Gonna it's just just try not to get it's just um yeah it's uh war is bad coming I don't care who knows that I think that but War I picked you with a helmet on I mean you know Belzer used to have the joke he said I wasn't I can't be in the Army I'm a little too funny to fight and it is kind of true I I think comedians because they see the absurdity of War but also you get out of the combat stuff because you are doing performing for them you're entertaining like who is you're a comedian like a Robin Williams you know in the um Good morning Vietnam oh you know or I know a lot of guys that went to uh you know the service and get drafted and they got enough to fight because they were performers and they would have them entertain the troops yeah I mean Elvis of course yeah well there's two well Miss Costello is a pretty great album though right but you know he when he went in the Army uh like it was 1958 I think and you know the the movie tries to make it like oh Elvis went in the Army because otherwise they're going to arrest him for being lewd they weren't arresting him yes it was 1958 and they were a little oh my God he's shriveling his hips and the girls are having it but they weren't arresting him but everybody was Dr you know back then it was only 13 years after World War II ago people just went but he worked while he I mean he made movies GI blues and it wasn't like he stopped working do you know that I lived in Germany for a while when I was six until I was 10. really yeah and I lived in a German neighborhood when all the other Americans lived on a military base my father worked for a helicopter company wow sikorski's and they had a contract with a he would call it a German outfit you know back then they called these outfits sure and when he said German outfit I thought he worked for Lederhosen you know but so anyway we go there and we're living in a German neighborhood so all my friends were German and I learned how to speak German pretty fluently and I remember and this is like 15 years after the war I remember going to one of my German friend's house and in the middle of the living room they had a glass case with like the German all the German boat set up you know like what do you call those it's on a fake water yeah diorama and all the boats and I remember and I still remember to this day so it must have affected me right at that time and you know these were like I mean are all German soldiers Nazis no well I mean the German Soldier look most don't get me depending hey here's what I want to say to you you know what I don't like about Hitler I'll tell you what I know like everybody else in the third right used to give the full Nazi salute right with the arm fully out and Hitler will just give you this yeah yeah which I always thought was like so privileging yeah they're like oh everybody else me just this but no to be sure that's how he Flags a cab too he's serious about the Nazis and the soldiers certainly the entire German nation was pretty the Trump movie was pretty gung-ho yeah for Hitler and Nazism and I think that includes the soldiers were they actual party members no but I mean what historians have always puzzled over Germany so much is that it's such a brilliant Nation uh it's the nation of Beethoven and Schiller and schopenhauer and how could they go so psycho right which might be a cautionary tale for us and Trump you know but certainly they went psycho for this guy and that's why they were so scary because they're such a brilliant efficient people that when they turn their uh talents shall we say to evil they were brutally efficient at that if Hitler hadn't basically gone nuts and attacked you know started a two-front war and then insisted that the soldiers stayed there until they died to all this crazy [ __ ] they probably would have taken over the world yeah sounds like Putin except Putin's a paper tiger he can't even take over Ukraine really he's getting his ass kicked in Ukraine that's that's like you know that Buster Douglas they would have a heart attack HBO would just they would like call Bellevue it would but you spaced out on that show never never once really spaced out that I'm reading a lot of that now now they're a great daydream no it was a boring game kidding no no no look at me [Laughter] what were we saying oh we're talking about um so Kevin yes yeah go ahead no I I love it the way you I my channeling of your thought process for the last half hour has been which is ridiculous but I feel like we've been here two hours no we haven't I know exactly how long we see the clock right there I can see everything even if I didn't have a clock I can do it but I'm channeling what you're thinking is like bill is so loaded I was thinking that that I really have to take over and ask him which is just like no I I wouldn't try I would get to a million things believe me not that I have I'm gonna have more topics to talk about there's so much knowledge you read a lot you smoke a lot and I've known that about you for years you're a smoker you smoke pot and you love it I really I do well you know would you say you're stolen more during the day than I don't get stoned as much nearly as much as people think I never in my life have gotten stoned every day of the week ever I don't think I've ever logged seven days in a row okay because I read about that too no I mean you know these guys I had Snoop Dogg on once and I said Snoop you know I think I have the credentials to say this to you you smoke too much pot you know these there are people who just light up the second they roll out of bed and they smoke to the end of the day and it become to me that's ridiculous because then that would become your your normality and I want to smoke to like have a heightened experience yeah although this is kind of convincing me to go the other one what was the last vacation you took well let me tell you um what was the first concert you ever went to ah the first concert it's funny I was on my last vacation my last vacation whoever prepared these questions for your staff today hell of a job uh yes it was uh well my uh last concert oh that's the Four Seasons now I'm gonna answer the other one what was the other one what was the last place you went on vacation oh yeah well you know I do the Hawaii thing I've invited you on that night again uh because my kid lives a ski and he likes to ski in really nice places my kid loves to skate what a dick no it's true he loved as a kid he loves this game really uh and it and the excuse me yeah yeah oh so that's a big kneeling family thing he goes it's annealing in something feeling and Son thing you know what it is how old is he he's 15. okay he wants to ski from the minute the uh chairless start to the end I'm more of a half day skier so I stay with him though because you know he's my son I don't want him to get hurt on the hill and then it's over we're heading back to the to the resort I don't think oh I can't wait to get in bed take a hot bath and on the way back on the bus the shuttle bus goes let's go play in the snow we get back let's have a snowball fight and I do it because I want them to have you know memories of me having a heart attack in the snow well uh okay you know what I'm saying I know what you're saying how old is your contempt my kid um uh I'm tempted to say I don't know I'm sure like I had never had kids so I don't really can't it's not too late by the way it is way too late I don't think so I hope so and it's not gonna happen anyway but um but like I just gotta say like if my father took me like on a great Excursion like this like skiing all day and then we got back to where we're going and I said oh let's have a snowball fight in this snow now he would have said you just had a whole [ __ ] day okay say thank you you know parents these days they just seem to have kids do everything that the that the you know the kid asks and you know like he gave him life he owes you babe I don't want to change the subject he owes you I don't want to change the subject but I was talking to somebody well not three days ago four days ago and he randomly said these kids these days and they said you know who started that Bill Maher no I did and I said I don't think so I think that's that was around like they're in the Vaudeville like of course I was doing a parody of that I know and I told them that who's this idiot um what are you hanging out with them instead of me yeah you could be here at Club random if you ever had a party down here I would I had parties here for 20 years before why wasn't I here exactly see that's why we're not friends I know I hate myself I don't know we just never got on each other's things what do we do now I have too many guys friends for another 20 years he's gonna have to go by you know can you ever have too many friends together because you know you can't give them quality time no I have friends I haven't even used yet I've heard that before yeah so um yeah yeah I know you can never have too many friends yeah but you don't get you don't have good friends though because you don't have the quality time with them and you're juggling friends well you know there's look I I know this sounds bad when you say collect things but you collect one of the again one of the nice things I must say about being this age as opposed to younger is you've collected a lot of good things that you wouldn't have when you're younger because you hadn't collected them and people are one of those things I have friends from like my comedy days not a lot but the ones who like stood the test of time you know Jimmy Valley yeah you and then like potential ones like the ones I didn't even use Rick podel yeah and then I have friends who I'm like when I was acting and a couple you know a director friend who's still a friend and stuff and then from Politically Incorrect people who organically became friends when they kept coming on the show and stuff and and then real time and so you have you yeah it's great to have many friends because I remember when I was in college and I had no friends really I remember what it was like to have no friends not have friends because it was Cornell because you know you go up there your freshman year uh you know I my roommate wasn't interested in a friendship really we did we were enemies we just didn't seem to have much in common didn't talk weren't there at the same time um I did have one friend he lived across the hall and I'm grateful for that we kind of ate meals together and stuff I had somebody but really I remember being like just on the I would dread the weekend because I had nothing to do I the weekdays were okay because I had work to do it was College there was a reason I was there weekend I was like oh [ __ ] I mean Cornell was a brutal place especially for guys in the 70s it was like three or four or five to one men to women you know and I didn't know how to talk to women if I there was one that wanted to talk to me and they were probably going out with the upper how about now come on now do you find it easy to talk to women that was so easy oh I'm playing with the house money and you know you just become much more um understanding of women it takes a long long time you know I mean it's one reason I'm kind of glad I didn't get married I kind of needed the practice do you know what the one piece of advice for marriage to work for a guy I don't really care [Laughter] what is it or a relationship what happened what's the best advice you can give somebody to keep a relationship going or a marriage it I can't answer that question because it depends on the individual I can answer that question for me generally let's say General there's no General because some people like waking up next to a person every day that's what they love that's what they need some people they hate that I can't answer that question until you tell me which person I'm talking to you're talking to me I think you're a person who likes to wake up next to someone every day right you like I do like that you do like that but it doesn't matter who it is I will tell you the answer to that having been married twice and having uh dated before listening listening to the your partner Jason you understand like Dr Phil I'm giving I'm giving advice like you're the first one he's not going to use the advice like you're you're the snake like you're the first one to think of listening no I got the answer from somebody I didn't think of it okay and I thought when he said that I thought that makes sense the fact that you haven't been here we haven't done this is not all my fault because I'm realizing now as this conversation progresses I am one of your best audiences you are you always laugh I because you always make me laugh and when the comedian as we know that word make is real you have to make them they don't volunteer it isn't that funny how some people are really good laughers some people are really good laughers I know get you I know and then there are people who I adore uh but they just don't laugh Jay Leno this never goes into a laughing fit and I can and he can make me go into a laughing fit yeah he's just not who he is you know he's just he's generous he's the most loving generous guy but here yeah and then he tops it you know he just wants to get to oh yeah that's good yeah and then and then he'll and he'll do it you know or he'll kind of call you like yeah yeah so you got that yeah but he'll just he always yeah he's he wants to yeah he wants to tell the joke not enjoy the joke whereas I love to enjoy a joke man he used to crush at The Improv I used to bartend there for two years so I saw a lot of people coming up bartended yeah two years my God I would see everyone come in there and that used to be a big dance club for a while like in 1980 and 81. what are we talking about DMV yeah I remember oh I used to I used to cut a rug there myself I did like I would see I saw um Timothy Leary come in there once I saw Bob Fosse possibly with me are you probably you hung out with him yes he did an episode of Hard Knocks a sitcom I did on Showtime and I seem to remember 1988 when like Showtime had a subscription of like 300 000 people and uh Timothy Larry was a guest star one week and yeah I remember hanging out with him a little bit in fact that chair over there Timothy that's the Timothy lyric he burned a hole in it at a party and so he then signed it and I'm keeping it as a crazy man I think that's going to be worth a lot of money but Jay Leno would come in he'd kill Robin Williams would come in Andy Kaufman I got to see all of these people perform and it was amazing it was such a great boot camp for me you know so Kevin I see you go ahead stifling yawns no no no no no no I'm letting them come out I'm letting them come out I've never had again say that you know yeah it doesn't affect how much I will say I'm not I'm not tired doesn't affect me it doesn't you look more like you're gonna fall asleep than me I certainly don't yes you those of you who are just listening that is made up and I think you can tell but I look I it makes me love you no less but I can't help but notice maybe you get up early you get up early yeah okay well I can't sleep lately I haven't been asleep okay well I'm not tired see this is why we're not better friends because you can't be honest with me I'm being so honest be honest with me you're tired I'm Gonna Let You Go no I'm not tired why you keep yawning because I'm not getting enough oxygen to my brain well that's been evident for years good night everybody why do people think that you're bored uh if you're yawning because it's an indication that you're bored no because well I've never been this is let me show you what a board person looks like it's not something I don't know okay just keep talking I'll say what a board person looks like okay no no I'm not saying you're bored I don't I'm saying you're tired I'm saying you're tired of me you're particularly tired what we're all tired I'm not tired really no why are you wearing your pajamas I mean now I'm serious it's um I'm like I'm so relaxed that's what it is yeah that's great no it is in general in life you have to be well you know I don't think I have any kind of emotions or feelings oh yeah when something happens I don't really get excited about it what are you talking about you've never got emotions really you don't are you kidding are you never get excited serious I don't like my wife says that she goes you you don't show anything I get over enthusiastic and you just kind of sit there very just even keeled because I don't like believe us I don't I don't like I have low expectations I don't think does that bother her yeah yeah so she like wants you to like show more of yourself she wants me to be more demonstrative in a vocal way and enthusiastic so we're looking at how that's every chick that that's the one you asked me what the advice is learn to either live with that or don't get involved with that particular quality in women they always are going to think that you are somehow holding back more of the essence of you that you're not sharing with them and so you know you have to either be like understand that that's always going to be a monkey on your back or don't get involved because they you can never quite give enough it's funny you should say that on Saturday Night Live Jan Hooks at stage fright and I had to go over to her house every Friday night and kind of hold her because she was terrified yeah and she had this brilliant Sketcher so brilliant so so great and so we go and do the show and I was terrified for her you know and I just think oh [ __ ] is she going to be able to do it and then she go out there and kill it right same thing every Friday every Friday I go over to her place and I'd hold him a rocker and I'd a rocker and she said Lauren just does not like supporting he's not encouraging me and you know I don't know how he feels am I doing well and and I said it's just I said I'll say something to him you know and it's hard to go and talk to Lauren about I wasn't even talking about me I go in there I said Lauren you know Jan is like really insecure about how she's doing can you could you just tell her like she's doing great and you know she's um right a wonderful performer and he said you know Kevin it's never enough you know if if I told her once it wouldn't be enough you know yes so well that's not really a great reason not to do it once in a while you know it really isn't I know it so I had to do it but so can I ask you this yeah your your young Barrel you're over there cradling yeah as you say this woman this never turned into something romantic or sexual you're cradling you're she's at this vulnerable moment she's in your arms you're rocking her back the rocking doesn't turn into seriously how's it going to turn into something when someone's going through an anxiety attack oh yeah I know you like that no but I mean it because emotions can change that's how because an anxiety attack can eventually eventually well after 20 minutes people you think anything I'm gonna wait around for 20 minutes any anytime anytime people are somehow brought together in emotional intimacy and this is like that's why in every movie when do people [ __ ] after that emotional moment and then they tear up their clothes in like two seconds I mean they get it in the [ __ ] so fast like in movies it dies to a bit about it it's like rapists cannot get it in that fast they just because they're so hot when they get to it that they just and what what it always follows because some emotional Crescendo so you're having this with this woman I'm just saying well I'm just asking if it ever happened well I'm going to tell you I'm going to tell you the story oh great I met Jan Hooks uh at an audition at um 20th Century Fox and I was a sketch show thing and I was just blown away how great she was in the audition she was like and I was attracted to her and cute yeah cute yeah and and we laughed a lot and we're walking out of it afterwards and I'm so attracted to her and also her Talent right and um and I think we exchanged numbers and eventually she just said we just we're going to be friends just friends and she was you know always dating like a scruffy writer huh and but we would go out to happy hours for six years we do that we go on happy hours we always had fun laughed and I was always thinking why aren't we like going out you know what do you think you blew it with her so bad well let me finish so we just got to the part where you're a giant [ __ ] one night um I guess we had a couple drinks and we went out to um uh what's that country western Club out it was in yeah club and way out and about it was it was uh Leon Russell and Willie Nelson playing they just happened to drop in wow and we had a couple of drinks and we started making out at the bar and you know when a friendship turns into romantic it's really enticing and very uh and we go back to my house and all of a sudden we're boyfriend and girlfriend the year before SNL ah so we're together for a year and then we both get SNL together oh and uh and so we go off to New York and her mother died right before she got to New York so she was kind of a mess for that she was a mess for SNL and um I wish we never became boyfriend girlfriend because we had so much fun when we were just friends and then that opened up a whole nother um you know um right it's uncomfortable dynamic dynamic yeah it was just expectations that might be you know you're I probably guessing from just the just sketchiness of your telling of this Jan Hook's tremendous Talent obviously tremendous insecurity so that's always going to be when you're in the position of the boyfriend now you're in the position of having job one in your life yeah to assuage that insecurity so you are constantly trying to you know fill up this pot that has a a leak and so you know yeah you never it's so that's well what what was the bottom line was here's a great opportunity for me to fly and to enjoy this job but a lot of my attention was focused on her instead of my job and this great opportunity and that the first year of SNL yeah so the first time I'm worried about why you were cradling it because you're her boyfriend yeah well you buried the lead fool well I was getting to the lead who puts that at the end oh and we were boys it's called story building internet no I told you we started going out so this reminds me of this record Bud do you remember Gary Puckett and the union yeah okay they had young girl get out of them I sang at my last special so uh but they had this one song it was not a hit but it was called don't give in to him and the whole record goes don't give in to him why he's such a smunk and then just in the last group as it's fading out you know they used to fade out the records yeah in the in the Fade Out the very last thing barely hear it don't give in to him cause I'm the one who loves you more I'm like what yeah had three minutes of the whole [ __ ] song and it's just at the very last and I'm the one who loves you more okay that does cast a different light on the whole record but you know what that look at look at the Todd Rundgren song we got to get you a woman we gotta get you a woman who sings This Todd Rundgren you don't know that song no I don't oh my God but I like Todd Rundgren he's great I mean that's one of my favorite songs oh and so he's talking about getting his buddy a woman the whole song is about that and at the end is and when we get you one they will get me one two that sounds like they're I don't know a couple of guys who need a woman yeah I don't know so anyway that's that's the story about um wow okay well but I loved her and after we broke up we still remained friends and you still are uh no no no no she passed away she did I didn't know that you didn't or I forgot I'm stoned I'm sorry I'm so sorry but how could you know not know that you know Jack Kennedy died too well I would not be the first person who has heard a name and did not you know there used to be I guess I buried the lead again exactly I mean I remember Abe Pagoda for some reason at one point I had to like put out a statement or there was a I don't know he took out and that something was like I'm not dead people for some reason just assumed more than anyone else that poor a pagoda was dead and you know you don't remember who dies I mean do you remember when the guy who plays Lurch that big guy he took out an added variety and he said I'm not dead oh yeah hear me yeah sometimes you have to I mean thank God Google yourself and the people that is Bill Murr dead when did Bill Moore die really yeah what all right I'm gonna let you get back into the world yeah I got it back because I should work tonight for me I got to work on my real show no are you really yeah I told them when I signed on to do that I said I will not take anything [Music]

Channel: Club Random Podcast

Views: 392,445

Keywords: club random podcast, club random, podcast, bill maher, bill, maher, club random with bill maher, real time, real time with bill maher, Kevin Nealon, saturday night live, comedy, kevin nealon stand up, kevin nealon comedy, hiking with kevin, snl, nealon, kevin nealon hiking, kevin nealon snl, kevin nealon conan, funny, hiking, comedy sketches, conan, late night show, best moments of conan, team coco, conan o'brien

Id: LWCiHnkbX9Q

Length: 77min 22sec (4642 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 02 2023