One day, when Gregory was supposed to be studying for finals Blue: Hey Red; I should be studying for finals, but I don't wanna. Whatever shall I do?! Red: Have you considered . . . NOT studying? Blue: Yeah!
Red: Brilliance! Blue: Why, why didn't I think of this before?! Blue: So registration was this morning, and my floor-mate got all 8 am classes. Red: Oh, damn! That's a circle of hell ALL on its OWN!
Blue: Wait, we can run with this! (Two hours of not studying later . . .) Blue: Looks like we finally finished our "Hell as College" list of things! Red: Now we can go get those lessons on proper inflection and tooooone! Red: (normally) So here's the dealio. Because college is its own wonderful little Hell, it felt only rational to draw the obvious connections between Dante's Inferno and the hell that is college. Blue: This is the by product of that psychotic brainchild.
Red: Circle One! Those poor souls trapped in Limbo are the prospies, who never found it in their hearts to commit. Their punishment is to simply not to go to college.
*sigh* Poor them. Blue: They will live in their parents' basement forever. Blue: Circle Two! Red: In the Circle of Lust are those who use all the condoms, sexiled their roommate one too many times, talked about their sexploits at dinner when LITERALLY NO ONE ASKED, or wanted to hear, or engaged in such behaviors at an inordinately high volume, not even thinking to account for the thinness of the walls. Or the floors. Blue: Here we find about 90% of all college students or essentially the way you see it, everyone but you. Red: Their punishment, fittingly enough, is to be hit on by a creepy person in a frat party for all eternity. Blue: Circle Three!
Red: In the Circle of Gluttony we find those criminals who hoarded dining hall food?
Blue: For some ungodly reason. Red: If they wanted dining hall food, they'll get dining hall food! Their punishment is to dine on Aramark forever. Blue: Circle Four! Those found in the Circle of Avarice are those pretentious dickweeds who selected the major solely for the desire to get a lucrative job. Red: And they never shut up about all the internships they qualify for! Blue: Sadly, these poor souls are doomed to an eternity of working as a fry cook at Burger King. Red: Next up is Circle Five! And it's a well-accepted fact that going to college means having to take tests, and lots of them! Blue: But I'm afraid that SOME people didn't get the memo. Those found in the Circle of the Wrathful and the Sullen are those who seem surprised angry or just plain mopey at the prospect of having to actually take exams. Red: Doing work at college?! INCONCEIVABLE! Blue: Fittingly, these poor sods are forced to stress and study forever. And here's the really bad part: if they ever take their eyes off of their work, they instantly forget everything! Both: *evil laughter* Red: Be glad your studying doesn't look like this.
Blue: Circle six! Blue: We all know that one guy who never shuts up about his crappy professors.
Red: But they surely can't be THAT bad, right? Blue: Well, Hell certainly think so! Those heretics who complain inordinately about these poor overworked souls find themselves holding office hours in burning cubicles. Red: Let's see how easy they think it is after an eternity explaining the same concept to bored adolescents over and over again! Both: *more evil laughter* Blue: Circle Seven! So since we're at least tangentially adhering to the source material here, this circle has three rings in it.
Red: Beyoncé must have loved it!
Blue: So in the first ring, we find those monsters who callously trashed the rooms of others.
Red: That's as close to murder as you can get in college!
Blue: Wellllll... Red: These morally depraved and unorganized souls are forced to remain in their rooms with the sprinklers going off forever. Blue: People who engage in overly self-destructive behavior find themselves in the next ring, transformed into expensive textbooks forever. Red: Get it, it's like the . . . like the suicide forest, cuz . . . paper comes from trees, yo, save the planet. Red: In the Ring of the Blasphemers we find those perpetually unsatisfied bell-ends who solve all their problems by whining to anyone who'll listen—
Blue: And those who even don't want to— Red: About the university as a whole, despite actively going there and not making the slightest effort to transfer elsewhere. Blue: These whine cellars (ha ha!) are doomed to wear sweaters from rival universities and deal with the social consequences forever. Red: Thus is the price of half-assing your treacheries. Blue: Circle Eight!
Red: Onward to the MaleBullcrap!
Blue: Aren't I a genius?" Red: In the first bolge are those who, when consigned to group project work, refuse to contribute or pull their weight, and instead devoted their time and energy to kissing up to the one contributing member of the group, knowing full well that they— and everyone else—hate your guts. Blue: Okay, that Italian wasn't quite correct, but it was mostly okay, so I'll let it slide. Blue: Anyway, the price for such pandering is an eternity of pulling your weight in the form of dragging boulders in a twisted infinite relay race for all eternity. Red: Next is the bul-gie of—
Blue: That wasn't even slightly Italian! Red: —Flattery, where those teachers pets who endlessly kiss up are turned into that which they long to become! Actual pets. Red: Now this bogey—
Blue: Red, you're killing me!
Red: —is for a whole new kind of asshole. Red: We've probably heard legends of that guy, but few have ever actually seen his face. That dedicated douchebag who signs up for hundreds of primetime slots the minute class registration opens and then sells them back for exorbitant prices.
Blue: This squeaky-voiced tosspot— Red: Who's probably also a bored econ major, just you watch! Blue: —Is sentenced to eternal 8 a.m. classes." Red: And because we're theoretically sticking to the source material, they're also upside-down and on fire. Blue: If you want to sell the good stuff, you're gonna get left with the bad stuff. Red: Next in this bulge—
Blue: What circle of hell am I in to deserve this? Red: —Are those who try to cheat their own future. Those who attempt to get a leg up in their classes by immorally procuring previous year's study materials.
Blue: Asking upperclassmen for old exam questions. There are no depths to which these depraved deadbeats won't dive. Red: Woo, alliteration! Blue: For their crimes against properly educating themselves, those souls are doomed to eternally use the wrong study guides and thus show up to their bio final armed with perfect knowledge of 18th Century French history. Red: Next is the bull-jay— Blue: Why are you doing this to me?!
Red: —of the Barrators (sp?), students who try and line up "business opportunities" with other students, despite all of them essentially being Ponzi schemes. And this one is my faaaaavorite punishment!
Blue: Worst. Job interview. Ever. They're unprepared, their suit is uncomfortable, one of their pockets started falling off on their way over and it's not super obvious, but they know that it's there and slowly driving them nuts. One of their shoes is brown and the other is black, and they spend the entire interview hoping to God that the interviewer doesn't notice. Red: Oh, but he notices! And he notices him noticing! And he notices him noticing him noticing and this goes on forever BECAUSE HE'S IN HELL!!! Red: In the next Borgy—
Blue: Stooooop! Red: We find the hypocrites! The squeaky clean, starry-eyed freshmen, whose stellar work ethic completely dissolves after a single semester as they melt into a puddle of alcohol and missed classes. Blue: Their next punishment is truly karmic: they're forced to explain their deteriorating grades to their parents over an eternally awkward dinner. Red: Plus they smell of weed the whole time, and it's pretty obvious, but they're not sure if their parents recognize it or not. Blue: Oh, but they do. Much like the interview, they do.
Red: Yeah, your parents got up to some crazy stuff in the seventies. Red: First of all, if you do this next thing, you're an actual bastard.
Blue: And you should be ashamed of yourself! Red: You kiss your mother with those . . . thieving hands?! Blue: ANYWAY! People in this next bolge— Red: Is that how you say that?!
Blue: It's really not that hard— Red: Ah!
Blue: Are—are thieves, plain and simple. These are the godless sociopaths who steal unattended laptops in the library, with NO regard for the countless essays and assignments they're callously murdering! Red: And so the takers have become the take . . .ers . . . in Taken! Doomed to an eternity of being hunted by none other than Liam Neeson! And those in this bull-ge— Blue: I LITERALLY just said it—!
Red: Are deceiving! Just like those low-down, dirty . . . deceivers that they are. Blue: References!
Red: So yeah, this one is full of deceivers, in case you didn't get the memo. Those betrayers who screw over their friends during housing by telling them they'll all stick together and end up leaving to get a single all by themselves. Blue: Deception! Red: They screwed their friends, so now their friends screw them! Dyu—
Blue: Not . . . quite. Red: That is, they find themselves in the absolute worst room on campus! No outlets work, there's a sprinkler right over their bed, the windows don't open, and the room permanently smells of piss. Blue: It's also right next to the RA's room and the walls are paper-thin. Red: And on the other side the neighbors are CONSTANTLY banging!
Blue: Their roommate has a significant other who literally never leaves and has the WORST laugh. Red: And we all know the people who belong in this next bullja!
Blue: THAT'S SPANISH!!
Red: I believe you mean, "es Español!' (Subtitler: Damnit Red!) Red: It's home to the gossipers who never stop spreading their lies. Blue: No, I didn't become an atheist because I once pissed myself in church, please stop saying that, it's not true! Red: Just gonna let that one slide . . . Anyway, the turntables turn on these pitiable fools and suddenly THEY are the gossipees! EVERYONE is talking about them behind their back.
Blue: They don't know what they're saying, so they're eternally self-conscious. They know that things are being said, they're not happy about it. Also, You're not allowed to say bolge anymore!
Red: But I've never said bolge! Red: So in this—thingy, are the cheaters who cheat on stuff. Not the most specific of crimes. Blue: And I watched Harry Potter 5 a couple months ago, so today's punishment is that every word they've ever plagiarized or otherwise stolen is permanently and repeatedly branded on their body. Red: Better hope you stole something short, buddy. Oh, you forgot the evil laughter.
Blue: Oh— Blue: Circle Nine! This circle is mostly for traitors, so the first on our list are those Traitors to Kin, who spend all of their parent's money. Red: Those daft spendthrifts! When will they learn?
Blue: Never! Because they get to be frozen in the nearest body of water. Yay, source material! Red: Hope you're proud of yourself, because your parents sure aren't! Blue: Then there are those Traitors to Common Decency, and there are kind of a lot of them, so buckle up.
Red: Those who betray their friends by leaving their clothes in the wash for hours are subject to a fitting punishment: being trapped in a washing machine with all the other souls! And also, someone's laundry. By the way, if you actually do this, you're a monster. Blue: The world doesn't revolve around you, asshole. Get it? Because revolve, and washing machines spin? Ha ha, I'm a genius. Red: Yeah, okay. Then there are the Traitors to Household Courtesy. Those who have a snog—or worse —when the roommate's still in the room!" Blue: It doesn't matter if they're asleep; you're still an awful person. Red: And their punishment? Naked forever!
Blue: If you want to be indecent the company of others, so help me God, you will be indecent in the company of others!
Red: And this last one is the most heinous of all crimes, and no more joking, if you do this, I will hunt you down and slap you.
Blue: We've been kidding up until now, but if you actually do this in real life, I hate you! And everything you stand for!
Red: These . . . are the people who are mean to their teachers.
(fweet) Blue: This is unforgivable! Teachers are national treasures! Red: They take time out of THEIR lives to make YOUR sorry butt a little bit smarter, and this is how you repay them?!? Blue: Your parents raised you better than this!
Red: Would you be this mean to your grandma?! HUH?!? Blue: If you only knew how much work they did for you, you wouldn't be able to look yourself in the mirror! Red: Ever indebted to our source material, the punishment for being a dick to teachers is eternally drowning in the school's tuition vault while the university president watches and laughs. Blue: So now that we've described the hell of our creation, is there really a moral to the story? Red: Don't be an ass? Blue: Yeah, okay, that sounds like pretty good life advice. Red: The other moral of the story is if you're gonna procrastinate studying, at least do something creative with your time. Blue: Okay, so Red, say it with me because this is going to bother me to no end. Blue: Bolge.
Red: Bulg-ee. Blue: Bolge.
Red: Bol-jaa . . . Blue: You are pure evil! Red: I am necessary evil!
