Jurassic World Review

hello world wide web I beg your shadow the air personality Buster now I know a lot of you were really requesting very hard for me to tackle Jurassic world to finish off dinos number two the return of the revenge of the resurrection but I kind of don't have the movie and unlike certain critics I don't like to review movies that I don't actually own very present oh well I guess we're reviewing dressing world then the newest movie in the Jurassic Park franchise as of the current year coming out of whopping 14 here since Jurassic Park three Jurassic world had the daunting task of trying to live up to the series reputation still strongly held by the first despite what this equals tried and explained to newcomers almost everything about the franchise in the process this has made a bit easier by the fact that it is a two-hour movie which is surprising considering that Studios anymore seem to be wondering whether or not you really need to do the full 90 minutes if through cutting it back just a tad you can squeeze some more screenings out of it but part of it all is that Jurassic world harkens back to the original as in Jurassic Park before Jurassic Park was even Jurassic Park a commonly known piece of trivia about Jurassic Park is that one of the initial drafts Michael Crichton wrote was about a little boy in a dinosaur theme park when disaster strikes leading to death and destruction as the attractions roam free and begin killing everyone that pretty much sums up the plotline of Jurassic world barring some details on the origins of the crisis and other bits of subtext of course that draft was never written because everyone might talk to about it [ __ ] hated it so um let's take a look at Jurassic world and see if two decades in a few billion dollars make all the difference the opening is the opening of several eggs showing the audience right away that dinosaurs have begun to be cloned yet again and will be unleashed on the world I'm sure this time though they want to escape right away okay I understand CGI dinosaurs I mean it's kind of hard to feel a real one but I got birds in my [ __ ] backyard right now that's not an impressive enough shot oh yeah I got squirrels doing goddamn acrobatics how should that CGI bird cost to do I mean I don't mean to brag but it seems like random junk on my harddrive beats it I suppose it was to segue from the extinct dinosaurs to living dinosaurs and introduce our little kid for this movie oh that's right I got a check IMDB for the actor names what the hell when the [ __ ] did IMDB turn into IGN anyway this is grey played by Ty Simpkins naming a child in your pg-13 family adventure movie after a badly written sexual icon of erotic fiction wouldn't be my first choice but I'm sure the focus groups had good reasons even as a brother Zack played by Nick Robinson call me every day and text me pics I don't forget what you look like texts pictures I don't know how good he is at ASCII art but okay now the point of the halls are going on a trip a great big trip you see they're going to Jurassic world alone but that's okay because they're actually the nephews of the woman in charge of the park so when they arrive at the end of their journey and the beginning of their adventure working it's like thousands of people walking around he has to take care of I know she clones dinosaurs for a living when you start cloning humans people get all uppity for a while not too much happens here just sweeping establishing shots while the kids are meekly kept in check by their guide Zahra played by Katie McGrath so [ __ ] this let's move on to the work being done by the boys aunt Claire played by Bryce Dallas Howard as it happens the park has been open long enough that people are actually bored of dinosaurs so with that in mind she has expanded the operations to include crafting new and exciting hybrid species especially at the behest of their sponsors how did you get to different kinds of dinosaurs - you know Oh indominus wasn't bred she was designed which introduces their League geneticist dr. Wu played by BD Wong which just goes to show you no matter how minor a role you may have had in this movie if you actually answer the phone when they call back 20 years later you too can be important this reveals their latest attraction is that never-before-seen as it never before existed in dominus Rex which they have been working on long enough that the thing is already fully grown not sure if that's because it's been here for a decade or because of Technology magic as clearly the movie is set in the future not too distant as it might be giant [ __ ] Holograms and holographic touchscreen computers don't exactly seem relatable what is relatable is the relationship between Claire and her nephews that being she hasn't seen them in years hardly knows anything about them and isn't even going to tag along you're not coming with us oh I I really wish that I could but um I have to establish I'm a workaholic with a rocky family life thing you'll understand when you're older so she's off to work while the children have the whole park to themselves along with VIP passes allowing them to skip ahead in the line and they don't even need silly hats to do it rides and fun can wait though we have to get back to work so we can introduce one of the miscellaneous grunts Lowery played by Jake Johnson and the most important traits he has his wardrobe where did you get that well this I got on eBay a mint-condition one goes for three didn't occur to you maybe that's in poor taste the shirt the man sitting here trying to keep the park system running keep thousands of people safe and happy and yet to [ __ ] all that you find his shirt offensive where have I heard all this before in any case Lowrey here's the guy who despite showing his own commercial nature is very distraught at the overt commercialization of the dinosaurs and doesn't approve of the indominus rex project not that claire gives a [ __ ] or bothers her more is that a Pachycephalosaurus has left its paddock security said the invisible fences were no fail that is the second time this month well the pack is short out there in pants when they butt heads so the dinosaurs have implants so electrocute them if they leave an area this is gonna be incredibly funny later but there's more characters dangers and foreshadowing to be had so let's move on to Simon Monsieur Ani played by earth and Caan I got my license two more two more days and don't worry being barely able to fly helicopters charming and it allow me to help out later it's win-win anyhow he goes on about how money isn't important it's all about how happy the dinosaurs are being caged up and got that for their entire lives that's what makes the good theme park this goes completely up the window when he brings Claire to the indominus rex enclosure and proceeds to gawk at how terrifying the creature is and fanboy over at trying to break the glass at some point while not giving one [ __ ] about how she feels did you see us they say I can sense thermal radiation snakes so no then she can't really see thermal radiation through glass unless we're leaning on it still maserati isn't convinced the creature is as securely held as they'd like so he tells Claire they should enlist the help of not an architect or a security official but the former Navy turned animal handler somehow oh and Grady played by Chris Pratt who is currently doing tricks with his pet velociraptors oh is it just me or is blue like oh my gosh Chris Platt Oh quiz play so you don't just eat him up we see the incredible connection no one has over the beast's being able to convince each and every one of them to eat meeting muscles but why go right to the important stuff with the indominus rex pen when we can instead introduce even more characters and more subplots this brings us to Vick Hoskins played by Vincent D'Onofrio he's sort of Owens boss I think that there's paychecks involved he's also not in charge or some of those shoulda asking Owen permission for a field task because he believes the velociraptors would make a great addition to the military we know that the Medicare needs to reduce casualties some people think that robots in the future I'm too scared of a terminator risk scenario where they turn on their masters nope that won't do it all the safe bet is the killer [ __ ] monsters as if we need any hint that this is a stupid idea one of the handlers winds up getting flung right into the vent showing just how ready to be star to turn on their former caretakers or it's showing Hoskins idea has merit as Owen swoops in and convinces the wreckers no you shall not eat our stringy helper or this is just a nice shot for the trailer whatever the case it doesn't really lead anyway so let's go back to seeing what the kids are up to the gentle giants petting zoo seen actually harkens back to his scene cut from the original Jurassic Park where let's and Tim ride around on a baby Triceratops for no apparent reason so I can see why they cut it but here they try to convince us that these already large already powerful creatures who three big [ __ ] daggers sticking out of their face sir perfectly safe free-range roaming petting zoo material yeah it's kind of like than the police touch Museum had that exhibit on smallpox blankets but petting zoos with creatures that could break your spine is for babies the sack is bored out of his mind however their guides are is distracted long enough that the two boys managed to escape hers that they can attend more interesting attractions well I let me get this straight tracking devices on everything cameras [ __ ] everywhere and VIP pass is allowing them to cut in line which makes it easier to figure out where they are but look lost in the crowd no wonder everyone's gonna die they upped the ante on attractions right away watching the t-rex feeding sorta it's kind of hard to see it beyond the crowd but you don't really care about that anyway do you the movie knows better it's time for family drama as the boy's mother calls up Claire to [ __ ] and moan about the fact that she didn't drop everything and shut the park down to watch after the two kids as they explore the park you haven't seen the boys in forever and and I know how that cold treat great if they're by themselves and he could just be so mean I'm sorry I didn't have time to watch your snot-nosed brats I'm too busy watching dinosaurs I can't play babysit right now I'm too busy playing God I was bridge club for you this week I'll tell you how was for me I built a two-story carnivore with DNA from beggarly were [ __ ] fish I don't give a [ __ ] about that no [ __ ] clay Deckard calm down I'm just your car right no jeez I could tell you they'd come to an agreement but it honestly doesn't [ __ ] matter so let's move on to Claire reaching Owens little hovel on the island and telling him she wants his opinion on if there's security for the new attraction is up to snuff this gives him the chance to ignore everything she says and just spout more pretentious [ __ ] good thinking I gotta eat I got a hunt I got a you do know they are all female right what's the penis fist motion do they have those too well then again the creatures from them first movie we're pretty much tumblr Saurus so we go back and forth between the kids enjoying the sights while establishing important things for later such as a giant [ __ ] shark eating Mosasaurus and Claire dragging Owen around to try and get his opinion on their security seems I don't need him to know it's [ __ ] though because not only do they suddenly fail to find the indominus rex on their thermal cameras but Owens advice isn't particularly nuanced those claw marks always there really glad they got this expert to point out these clues that are so easily overlooked fitting the creature escape Claire rushes out of the building which is where she's probably safe to call the control room like she easily could have from within the building and get the location of the creatures GPS tracker why they never thought to had that functionality the holding cages computers I don't know but I'm sure Owen would have suggested it of course he's too busy waltzing around inside the pen with the other workers being complete [ __ ] idiots so they are caught completely off-guard when this happens what's a problem with you know half a dessert beam if they think we don't know where it is somehow magically translates ooh we definitely know it's not in the cage this complete dumbass tree that was completely unnecessary on their part does mean that the few people now trapped with the beast will run like hell and open the giant dinosaur size door they installed but of course can't get it closed in time and the indominus rex eats them one by one not Owen though as he realizes the creature is using its bloodhound quality sense of smell to hunt so he uses the power of a gasoline bath to mask his scent or at the very least ruin the creatures appetite however they aren't beaten yet the implant will shock it if it gets too close to a perimeter fence so it's just all implants in general shock dinosaurs when they're close to perimeter fences still gonna be very funny later so the hunt is on the park security is alerted and a side-characters look worried as the tension builds to a fever pitch this my dad got divorced oh one of us be with mom in any food dad what we jointly go back to the kids to watch great cry about his parents splitting up hey knock it off I could cry which has [ __ ] all to do with anything I get it you found a child actor that could cry really well and you wanted to use that that's great but this whole divorce subplot while it you know it was in the subtext in some earlier scenes it never [ __ ] comes up again it has no bearing on anything you want to have gray cry about something that actually [ __ ] matters have a Dilophosaurus the exact in that spirit let's ignore it completely and move on to parks private army heading into recapture the beast and Chris Pratt barging in to explain the obvious plot points to the audience she marked up that wall as a distraction she wanted us to think she escaped on we are talking about an animal here a highly intelligent animal raised exclusively in that pen surrounded by solid walls she still knew somehow that there was an outside to escape to clever girl oh and hear demands Claire call off the non-lethal recapture team but why listen to him they've tracked down the signal have the indominus rex completely surrounded or at least a big foam hunk of movie flesh with the trinket still inside allowing the creature to get the drop on them surprising considering she was waiting exactly where they were looking but she had chameleon superpowers thanks to her mixed genome and that explains how she set a trap not sure if the trap was even needed considering the indominus rex kills the ever-loving [ __ ] out of the entire team which means Claire must do something about this crisis no not get out the big guns and just kill the [ __ ] that would end the movie far too quickly instead she ignores Owen and hostages close down all the rides on the northern half of the island right as the boys of questionable importance get on the gyrosphere which in a mother of all coincidences and shitty planning doesn't actually have a rail system or set path that it's programmed to go on it's actually just giving them a car in the shape of a ball and trusting they'll come back in one piece you know at this point the giant [ __ ] monster dinosaur running around is more believable Helly actually give an attempt to explain the bunkers as Kirby s copy abilities of the damn thing has cuttlefish have chromatophores that allow the skin to change color it hid from filming the Gumby really hey the tree frog DNA they use could do the same thing that's not quite as much of what I'm questioning here is the fact that it actually figured out that they had thermal cameras tracking it and the people raising the damn thing for god knows how long for all this observation time they had on it studying the [ __ ] thing never [ __ ] notice that it had this capability in a [ __ ] used it - [ __ ] - the subterfuge all of a sudden just amazing [ __ ] coincidental planning don't you think they also explain it remove its tracking device cuz it remembered where it was planted but that doesn't even begin to explain how the [ __ ] could even knew it was attracting device well at a settled [ __ ] ambush with the thing but the point is the creatures loose in the park is in deep [ __ ] also Claire's moronic foresight might also be genetic dude off-road but they told us to go back I'm just worried that you're not getting the full Jurassic world experience go on some rides pay $10 for cotton candy ignore obvious signs of danger going to a restricted area and get eaten they almost even get their wish at first it's just boring a sign Kyla soars not even trying to beat them to death with her club tails but lo and behold the indominus rex shows up and starts murdering the [ __ ] out of the beasts not killing for food but had a psychotic genetic rage stuff she quickly turns on the kids and busts their ball fortunately this gives them a chance to escape reminding me of predator both of the Helle jump from the cliff down the waterfall and later when they crawl on the shore in the mud hey judge I would what's their scene where gray was even remotely apprehensive about trying things because well I kind of missed it in the meantime Claire has enlisted Owens help to track the boys down and the indominus rex which is taking a damn long time so back with kids they discover the abandoned ruins of the original visitor center evidently this was a [ __ ] location for it as the new parks hotels and restaurants aren't even remotely close by but what luck the Jeep's from the first movie are here as well not those shitty electric ones either but gas Jeeps yeah big deal it's not like they're useful or anything after how many decades Wow hey guys I know you explained them getting the battery jump with a spare battery nearby it somehow still [ __ ] worked but you do know that guess goes bad right I'm a [ __ ] peanut butter last longer guess is only good for like six months I guess on a crisis situation maybe you could use nine-month-old guess I would really [ __ ] up the engine but it's been like two decades the [ __ ] Oh what's this look at all this useful scrap my warp drive will be back up and operational in no time whatever he spared no expense so magic cars still work this gets the boys on the road back to safety just in time to miss Clara knowin coming up behind them they also miss the indominus rex who now inches closer and closer more than capable of killing these two in an instant what she doesn't despite being well within range to smell them this is actually explained in an earlier deleted scene where Clara knowin come across the traditional pile of dinosaur [ __ ] and apply it to block their scent of course that wasn't important for the plot not as much as this scene if my dad got divorced you wanna watch me with mom and dad what yeah I know it flushes out the characters by the way that [ __ ] never comes out again but they haven't been slouching back at base masa Ronnie is using his handily established helicopter flying powers along with convenient army vets to hunt and kill the indominus rex promised these guys survived the war by avoiding combat as they have no [ __ ] idea how to aim at a 50-foot Godzilla loader [ __ ] which leads to the Beast bashing through the remarkably fragile aviary dome releasing swarms of pterosaurs which you might have noticed are not in fact spazzing out and falling from the sky it's almost like those implants they established are in every creature and shock them upon breaching a perimeter vents don't [ __ ] exist anymore for the rest of the movie this also spells the end for mr. masrani oh and the nameless soldiers with him but yeah more important than any of that though is now that the layered containment measures have pretty much been reduced to just cages any dinosaur loose now has free rein I kill as many and I said people as they can at least the boys still get back to Zara safe and sound what in the earliest of [ __ ] did that woman do to piss off the director now the children are all alone tweet claret oh and return to the main drag as well this gives them both a chance to show off their badass attune with tranquilizers anyway bleurgh outside of that er you accidentally walked onto the set of the next Resident Evil movie in which case you're probably better off with the indominus anyway so everyone is back together yay but this short-lived celebration amounts the screams of innocent people being eaten by flying reptiles takes a dark turn as it just so happens that Hoskins is using the chaos as an opportunity to force Owens hand saying they can only bring down the indominus rex with military might and the mightiest military power they have are the Raptors this is happening with or without you I'm still not convinced that the shoot the [ __ ] from the sky strategy won't work yeah you want to try that again with someone who actually knows how to lead with a gun no just gonna have dog show Raptors saving the world okay at this time everyone else on the island is huddled at the docks waiting for evacuation for some reason Claire in her infinite wisdom decided that is not the safest place for the two boys and it said they should stay right by her right by her and the suddenly released pack of raptors tracking the indominus rex insert bubsy quote here along these lines the Raptor team is given the indominus is sent with the help of the foam hunk of flesh and they quickly wash out to pose for the movie poster it's also an easy enough job as their target happened to be just a few hundred feet away but Hoskins brilliant idea runs into a big [ __ ] problem I know why they wouldn't tell us what it's made of oh thanks partner put hold of why in the [ __ ] is Raptor language genetic ein you spent the last movies talking about how [ __ ] complicated it was but here it's no better than growling or barking I realize the different pods of whales actually have different dialects right not to mention that these Raptors Owens been training since hatching them turn on him right the [ __ ] away because in dominatrix here is big and [ __ ] so that's good enough also is it just me or does how fast a small group of Raptors manage to rip the entire unit of soldiers apart bears striking resemblance to the Xenomorphs in Requiem killing off the entire army in one [ __ ] minute before I kill you but I just want you to know that I still think you're so gay cute but suddenly explosions are screaming running dying the usual and everyone must escape as this plane obviously didn't [ __ ] work it's time to come up with a new one but don't expect to get one out of Hoskins this time around change plans mission took a jog to the left I'm taking everything off the site okay a little side project but get shot in the arm and a bunch of lawyers messing around something they they won't understand get it hold the [ __ ] up so the indominus rex project was actually masterminded by Hoskins whoo it was supposed to break free and they were supposed to bring the Train Raptors in to save the day and bring in a mucho military contract with money okay okay I get the plane oh where the [ __ ] did you put Raptor DNA any indominus this is some kindergarten levels of pants [ __ ] here anyway all of the story everyone is evacuating now down to the crew themselves however Lowry stands up and declares that he will stay behind to man the control station even if it puts his life in jeopardy someone has to stay behind no I have a boyfriend Sima Lee this is what you do with characters that get constantly [ __ ] on comic relief even in heroism not being ripped apart by Pteranodons and eaten by a Moses or strangely now that the lab is being evacuated somehow this is the first time claire has had free rein to take a peek inside and realize there's weird [ __ ] going on Hoskins also shows up to explain the plot some more that the indominus project was always meant to be a proof-of-concept for military applications which makes his rep loose peaches earlier kind of stupid but that's not going to get in the way of his villain rant million years evolution what with her nature is the gift now there was a pause there where he tries to talk the Raptor out of it personally I like my edit better point is climax time everyone goes to run away but Raptors are still pretty fast [ __ ] despite this movie slowing them from cheetah the bicycle either way our small group of bipedal meals end up surrounded but wait with this powers of cross species diplomacy oh when can melt the Raptors Hoff's before our very eyes I just can't stay mad at you quit sweat just as fast as they turn on him before suddenly they turn on the androgynous Rick's and begin fighting to save the humans this would mean that Haskins was right all along but [ __ ] it he's dead now the fight is going strong but gray thinks he has a better strategy we need more what piece we need more teeth [ __ ] you Simpkins the hell am I supposed to do they don't grow back you know Claire seems to think he means something else something a lot bigger and which sells more movie tickets it's not too bad of a plan it really seems like you just can't kill his mother harder despite the Rex running at 30 miles an hour in the fastest human Raney just under 28 miles an hour and Claire's still wearing heels somehow she managed to outpace the racks and wait a minute how the [ __ ] is that supposed to work Jurassic Park spent so long talking about the Rex's site being based on movement and we even got examples of Flair distracts that work and don't for instance dr. grant he got his attention by moving it in and through it while himself remaining relatively still Ian Malcolm on the other hand did pretty much exactly what Claire just did and got [ __ ] Maine for it a flare is not like a cat laser pointer movie of course it could just as easily be pointed out that obviously this part isn't supposed to be a what if scenario played quasi realistically this climax is clearly an excuse to have a dinosaur brawl with the indominus rex having a tag-team match against the t-rex and it's a prize partner the last surviving Raptor who stepped out of frame for a while it's a pretty nice spectacle but if you want to know who would win in such a fight too [ __ ] bad mosasaur ex machina gets them now point is happy ending the indominus rex becomes no more than a deep-water snack the t-rex and the Raptor decide [ __ ] it the movies gone on long enough it's time to cash their paychecks and the humans leave the area surrounded by dinosaurs but without any trouble kind of like the ending of the birds oh the parents are happy to see him now nothing is said about any divorce idea or any plans to stay together seriously had no [ __ ] point but we do get a resolution of the relationship between owen and claire so what do we do now probably stick together for survival you know that means [ __ ] only someone we get some enjoyment out of this ending anyway that was a lot of Jurassic world and it is very entertaining no doubt about it but I really hope no now there actually thinks it's even close to a perfect movie what's the first thing to complain about right off the bat it's got to be the glaring plot holes no not the divorce thing much as I thought it was unnecessary it didn't bring up things that didn't make sense it was just there I'm talking about the details given on the tracking devices fleshing out the world and establishing plot points only to be completely discarded whenever the movie feels like it the worst concentration of flat holes centered around the indominus rex with him trying to do the monster movie thing of having it surprised us with weird abilities and foil the plans to contain it but the half-ass explanations I pull out to cover how it was able to do these things didn't even begin to explain how logically this would have happened not to mention the only reason I got out in the first place was that everyone is a [ __ ] idiot at least in the first movie nedra's plan to steal embryos wasn't relying on someone else [ __ ] up so he got the chance it was orchestrated this was just a haphazard series of accidents that try to pretend they're a plan in the third reel but there are things to like about this movie of course plenty in fact I sold fans and Jurassic Park enthusiasts alike will notice the throwback Sladen throughout the film which were enjoyable the acting also was okay this isn't the kind of movie to look for Oscar bait speeches but nobody really held it down Zac was kind of a [ __ ] character at first but it had nothing to do with the actors abilities just how it was written mainly what I can say the movie exists for is eye candy and lots of it much in the same way the original Jurassic Park pushed the boundaries on special effects Jurassic world doesn't half-ass any of its CGI the theme park setting also gave us a good excuse to see many impressive displays but when it comes down to it that's what Jurassic world stands up as at its heart I can be in popcorn entertainment still damn good entertainment though and despite the major flaws in storytelling I still feel it's deserving afford Jimmy Buffett margaritas out of 5 which is what I gave the first one to so you know what maybe it actually did live up to its legacy anyway thank you all for watching - Tiger Shadow and remember any visitors entering restricted areas will have their balls broken you've never let me go mention that not at work oh well I just wanted to take a moment to thank you all this review marks my 200th episode of the web show it's been a hell of a ride I went from 480p to 7 20 P to 1080p and now the shows in 4k 4k discs are supposed to come out in 2016 so hey who's excited for the Pineapple Express review yeah my first month I made 3 cents in ad revenue I'm still not making nearly as much as I was at Kroger but hundreds a month is definitely an improvement and despite the hardships creepy hi managed to get to Japan for Gareth on three so much has happened but it's my hope that the Heartless show can stay the same I can improve the quality without discarding the spirits I hope to keep that up well into the future here's to another 200 episodes or hell mm give me some nano machines to keep me going and I'll add even more zeroes to that

Channel: Decker Shado

Views: 353,090

Keywords: Decker Shado, movie review, review, science fiction, action, jurassic park, jurassic world, sequel, 2015, dinosaurs, dinosaur, mosasaurus, indominous rex, tyrannosaurus rex, review (media genre)

Id: aBOgNofLnVI

Length: 33min 16sec (1996 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 30 2015