Jonathan Kite & Adam Ray as Dr. Phil | About Last Night Podcast with Adam Ray | 647

austin texas i'll be in austin texas this friday and saturday vulcan gas company two shows each night come out yeehaw bring your cowboy hats on your beer bottles and your friends from all walks of life no judgment if you got a mouth and a face come to the show vulcan gas company in austin texas two shows each night friday saturday the 22nd and 23rd of april and then next weekend comedy on state madison wisconsin 28th through the 30th please come out first time there comedy on state madison wisconsin april 28th through the 30th right after that milwaukee wisconsin just around the bend milwaukee improv may 1st one night only come out and see me all these tickets at adamraycomedy.com may 5th through the 7th raleigh north carolina bring your dad bring your kids if they're of age rally north carolina at the improv may 5th through the 7th may 13th through the 15th atlanta georgia at the punch line and right before that may 12th in augusta georgia doing a one-nighter all this ticket info at adamraycomedy.com so many cities after that kentucky denver san diego vegas seattle um kansas city arizona we're hitting the mall pittsburgh all the tickets adamwreycomedy.com young rock tuesday's nbc check it out pam and tommy on hulu check it out gaslit premieres sunday april 24th on stars sean penn julia roberts and your boy gaslit it's about watergate stars april 24th check it out podcast aln podcast on twitter and instagram adam raycomedy on instagram and twitter of course today is also a very exciting day because ooh adam ray live from the punchline in san fran drops on my youtube channel so go check that out on my youtube channel youtube.com adam ray comedy a new special from your boy live at the punch line we shot it with like eight cameras i can't wait for you to see it it's just a nice little fun 36 minute piece of [ __ ] giddyup so go get it enjoy it and enjoy today's special episode holy [ __ ] i've gotten full dr phil prosthetic to interview one of my favorites jonathan kite um we did a dr phil celebrity therapy and it's madness bonkers all the good stuff that you love if you love the podcast so if you like fun and you like to laugh get ready grab a coffee grab a donut grab some tequila grab some adam ray merch at adam raycomie.com we've got new pickles hoodies my dog pickles smoking a joint saying taught myself to shimmy we'll be hitting the merch site soon but all that merges at adam raycombi.com where you can get all things adam ray enjoy this special episode be good to yourselves and uh and we'll see on the road baby enjoy it brand new episode of the about last night podcast coming at you right now with jonathan kite and dr phil is a it's from the movie teen wolf and i and i would say that bobby finstock was the coach and and boof and and styles you know sometimes i just name the characters in a movie man boof was a character in teen wolf that was the girl that he wound up with at the end spoiler alert yeah well spoiler first of all if you end up with a girl named boof you know you you know hey you know by the way also tuna is a spoiler hey it's herbert and you're listening to the about last night podcast slippery little son of a [ __ ] [Music] uh [Music] and we all got to keep on moving and we got to keep on pumping we got to keep on jumping we got to keep on [ __ ] and sucking and licking and tricking and and and just making sure that we're doing everything we can controlling what we can control and life's all about choices and the choices you make the choices you don't make and the people that you meet and the people that you don't meet and the people that you eat if you're on bath salts but if you're trying to figure out who you are and who you want to be the best way to do that is to drink a bottle pinot grigio take all your clothes off and jump off a roof onto a trampoline and hopefully that trampoline decides what your next move is which is back up onto the roof or straight through the ground okay and then you don't have to worry about a coffin and a ceremony because you're just dead right there uh or you know and hear me out or uh the neighbors come over and they've got some some young fresh out of uh you know uh grad school daughter and she goes who who's that guy and she's got a quick look at your package because you're you're buck naked right remember that part and that's when she goes who's that guy and then you guys start talking facebooking you know lengthening uh and uh next thing you know boom you're having a triplets and and she's leaving you for uh her pilates trainer named uh sebastian right which is just his stage name his real name is craig but he thought sebastian was a sexier name that that milfs and cougars would want to play play with themselves too so you know and keep it in the spirit of the holidays which we're coming up on a post-easter and post-passover i just want everyone to take a moment to take a deep breath and say i'm i'm fine all right life's getting crazy but i'm good you know i ain't great but i'm good i'm fine it's okay you know i'm living another day james bond style you know die another day hey i'm gonna live another day [ __ ] you daniel craig and i you know i don't mean that literally i made it figuratively because because i would love to have you on the show someday or even have a cup of coffee with you or uh or you know drag race with you you know you seem like a fun guy where is he from by the way like daniel craig that's a hot guy that's that's he's on my top of the list of guys i'd [ __ ] if i wasn't married and sometimes i feel like i'm not you know sometimes you feel like a what's that that candy come sometimes you feel like a nut sometimes you don't i think that's corn nuts but it's also daniel craig sometimes you want to help him bust a nut and sometimes you don't but that's just you know that's college for you my guest today several people dr phil uh during the daytime is getting a little stale i'm trying to take things up a notch trying to com communicate and connect with more people out there and i've got so many famous celebrity friends i thought i'd take a a moment and take a a an hour really to sit down and talk with all of them about their issues and their problems because we've all got [ __ ] going on i mean take will smith he's he's so hopped up on scientology and jada's [ __ ] that he's trying to figure out who you know what's going on you know i'm trying to get jiggy with it but i can't because you know i'm i'm bitch-slapping uh you know comedians my my uh my problem is i get too personal i make friends too quick and and one of my one of my dearest best friends jeff bridges who was kind enough to come sit down with me for a couple minutes and really just kick this thing off uh cool running style and just jump into the bobsled with me and and coast down that [ __ ] ice ramp without any seatbelts on jeff i know that first of all thanks for being here man you know let me say this thanks for having me man and a happy passover to you and your family do you celebrate the uh the the do you do it i celebrate uh there's a there's actually a there's a there's a different holiday man that i really get behind that i i learned well i was on a peyote trip oh yeah yeah the lizard people of gwansha man and uh you know it's a it's about it's a little bit of passover and uh it's it's about it it takes the spirit of finding eggs but instead of eggs you're looking for your family you all hide in the forest you know what i like are those starbucks egg bites those egg white bites oh man those you know what i'll tell you you know why don't we go looking for those in passover those are great with you get some some cheese whiz right on top there man that's how i love celebrating that way you put cheese whiz on i read your books you've got uh it's a whole series of stuff you can put cheese whiz on you can put cheese whiz on the book and i say that right away man and you know what if you order through amazon right now not the not the company man i mean if you go to the store that i have in the amazon you can get uh if you buy four you know it comes with a free can of cheese whis well you know speaking of egg white bites i i brought some but i sat on them so they're they're a little smushed up well they're a little warm oh good god i actually didn't realize how flat and smooshed you know i'm probably gonna that's gonna be a hard pass you know and it was my own ass my hot ass that sat on that egg bite but it's gotten flattened into uh into uh you know it's it's roadkill it's probably still edible but now is there something you wouldn't uh if you hit let's say what would be the give me three things uh jeff that you'd hit with your car that you'd still eat uh that i'd still eat um you know like uh you know like ducks and uh you know man like is not bad and also uh a macareb a mcrib cro well mcrib you know so the origin story of the mcrib is cow right well the origin is actually it's adam so who's the impossible burger where are we getting that from if cow is a is beef who's impossible well you know man i i i think it's probably you know made up made up i i i've had a couple of them and i said you're telling me that this is not actual come on man yeah i heard that the tuna at subway is not even real tuna and they spell it t-o-o-n-a h-h that you know what and the bread the bread is is the same thing as ashley furniture oh yeah it's like couch cushion yeah i thought you would i found a spring the tuna first of all you're gonna spell it wrong and it doesn't taste like it you know i've always said if it whoever smelled to dealt it but if it doesn't taste it then i hate it you know if i taste it and i hate it then i shouldn't be tasting it i couldn't agree more man and i think that like you know the chemicals that they put into their meat first of all subway let's just go ahead and rip off that sandwich artist label because you're the furthest thing from an artist you know i've seen so many young pre-pubescent acne-filled hpv ridden knee brace [ __ ] you know jet ski action i cut my finger on trying to you know suck my girlfriend's [ __ ] ring off you know type of you know my dad sells fireworks to the government type kids and they're walking in there trying to make me a six inch you know uh teriyaki chicken on honey oat don't cancel me and and they uh they don't even wash their hands i'm like you're not an artist even picasso washed his hands before he rubbed one out we'll be right back we'll keep her right here so what's your take on that i don't like that they say eat fresh yeah it ain't fresh there's nothing fresh about this man who are you what cameras is mine come on subway yeah don't [ __ ] me what should it be eat fresh it should be just what don't die yeah should we eat [ __ ] each because well well i mean listen you could be their new spokesman they're in dire need of a change i'm bitter about it man you're a little too skinny you got to be fat so they can push those [ __ ] tuna with an h sandwiches on you and then you can drop some lb's and be like hey look i ate fresh and now i'm skinny [ __ ] that noise just use a bigger pants give them bigger pants let him hold him up jared was fat from the get-go but he had other concerns right yeah he was uh you know what he used to you know what made those pants so big the kids he was smuggling in him oh now i read about that but that was true huh it was it was more than true i uh i i saw the guy one time you know it was just saw jared live in the flesh oh he used to work at the subway by my house not the sandwich shop the the underground train i was gonna say that'd be messed up if they let him work there after all that though this is before they found him oh jesus he was running a uh it was the church style game oh he ran the oh yeah the trafficking oh wow well plenty of tuna well that's are you a good speller would you go on one of those script spelling bees i'm not given the chance you know i'm not a speller man i'm more of a i'm more of a uh of a smoker right uh meats and uh weed and a poet i've seen quite a few uh slam poetry nights uh in downtown l.a and in in in upstate new york where you're just laying down rhythms and rhymes and and just spitting fire quite frankly in in in front of people that truly are the best of the best eminem famously said we have it here somewhere uh where eminem said uh eminem said uh wow you know when he saw you he did you know i i actually i go with nothing prepared that's what a lot of people don't know about off the dome yeah i just say hey i go give me uh give me a sound i don't even need a word here we go ready let's go oh oh oh oh oh oh is a it's from the movie teen wolf and i and i would say that bobby finstock was the coach and and boof and and styles you know sometimes i just named the characters in a movie man boof was a character in teen wolf that was the girl that he wound up with at the end spoiler alert yeah well spoiler first of all if you end up with a girl named boof you know you you know hey you know by the way also tuna is a spoiler i'm impressed by your knowledge of 80s films i'm more impressed by your ability to assimilate you talk about making up rhymes on the spot you make up all your lines in all your films i didn't know that i didn't know that in crazy heart uh and in tron and the big lebowski the first 45 minutes uh was a monologue originally of you just talking to camera but then you know eventually as movies do they go we have other characters we have other uh coverage angles we need to get let's get let's move off of jeff but you just make [ __ ] up and they use it because cause cause you threatened to sue what's that about well all those movies man were pitched to me as a uh as a one-man show great i'd see that i didn't i i honestly when i when i when i saw crazy heart i thought it was about the game operation and i was like don't touch that hard buzz crazy now you know i heard that movie was in the works for a long time long time and you know again i know the industry can be so rough and the highs the lows you know you're you're hard you're soft you're wet you're dry you know and and and that's just you know and that's just if you work at the the subway yeah or the g or the strip club which the first subway strip club combination center was open in rancho cucamonga and tom x was there to cut the ribbon and tom i know that when you open any new business you say i've got to be a a believer in what the message is first and this subway strip club combination center you know talk about eating fresh well i uh i gotta say this the thing that i i know i like strip clubs everybody knows that i've got i have my own you know i've got my own chain of strip clubs called woody's and uh so you over tip well not just the tip is what i always say is when people at a 50 and then i pull out it's only time but i will say this rita and i say we love going to strip clubs it's what it's it's a getaway it's your escape absolutely it's couples therapy some people go to the barcade some people just you know will go to space if you're bezos to escape your uh [ __ ] of a wife you know but but but you you like to just you know take a a take take a step back and appreciate the the the art that is stripping because it is an art absolutely i i am there for the artist hey now now we i heard you talking before about subway sandwich artists yeah well that's yeah but but the strippers that make the sandwiches at this strip club now these wow now these are artists these are hardness and i heard somebody made a compilation tape you know i love compilations right whether it's dad's getting kicked in the tank or fat girls falling off bicycles there's always like fun videos out there of just stuff going on where you go that's good for a laugh and then some there's a compilation of you of just you reacting to the strippers doing moves on stage i'd like to play that real quick we have it it's all these tricks of girls climbing the poles jumping off the poles doing the splits eating themselves out one after the other and they've got a compilation of just you reacting so i'm going to play here wow oh oh yeah wow now that is flexible oh i'd like huh i'd like to uh taste that snozzberry oh give me some ah wilson rita wilson you're going to want to see this and that and that was the night that was the night that rita went on stage you couldn't find her because she slipped away because uh and what you've talked about in your uh in your book uh no hanks uh a book about how to give gratitude the sequel's coming out the second one it's called hank's no hanks well see that's you're good you're good at that you're good at that stuff about first of all digging deep to the core of who we are as people and going look my son might be chet you know i got colin who was you know i got we all nothing in life is perfect right you go [ __ ] one of my one of my feet is bigger than the other one right both my nuts are real big and heavy but you know does that mean that i you know that i still don't enjoy a late night snack okay i think that as you when you wake up you go [ __ ] peeing where the boner's tough but [ __ ] with the boner it's damn near impossible burger right i've been there where well [ __ ] with a boner and how do you deal with it i'd say i'll tell you i was i i was in a cowboy movie one time called called the john wayne story but it's not about that john wayne it was about a different john wayne people forget there's multiple people named those things there's a lot of guys named john wayne are there multiple tom hanks well yes there are but why well he's from spain it's tomas thomas hunks but it's spelled almost the same and thomas the train engine a lot of people don't know this last name thanks d d so if you shoot did you sue them well i uh they copyright infringement is is not my i i like i'm a a a a borrower of the tom hanks name as if the way our life and money we borrow it in this lifetime and when i uh pass on other tom hanks will take the moniker and move forward i don't think you're gonna die you strike me as one of those guys that found the golden ticket the golden goose the magic pill the magic train right the the thing that keeps you clicking and ticking baby's blood the endocrine in baby's blood now part of me because you got such great comedic time and wants to laugh at that but i feel like you're serious well q anon does run my wikipedia page i've been talking about trying to drink blood for years now and all people always tell me you're crazy you know get off my property right uh you know stop screaming at my kids and i'll just say well you know they got blood that's gonna keep us alive right and by the way they're not using all that blood you got a lot of blood as a kid and your body makes more cons don't be selfish with your blood it's like a frozen yogurt machine there's more in the back it's a magic lunch box from return to oz it replenishes itself that's a great i lost my virginity to that movie wow return to us it was like the wizard of oz knockoff i think the scarecrow was like a pumpkin head guy don't cancel me he was yeah but but you've done so much stuff tom that it it makes some of your friends jealous and one of the things i talk about daily in my show is is support versus bitterness jealousy versus ridicule um you know finding the goodness without taking away from the negative because you want to find both sides right if you if you board a plane and somebody goes hey wear a mask and you've got some guy behind you saying you know and mr trump i know that you know you even on air force one that tried to make you wear a mask and you did not want to do it but because you said you know it's a free country but also my face people want to see my face but you know i don't know if that was true but you stuck to it let me just say this okay i don't wear masks i don't wear them for halloween i won't wear them for surgery okay i don't wear them at any point because i think it's not real curve it okay and masks actually if they don't do much of anything and i think believe me a lot of people are saying i'm not the only one i mean i'm saying it right now but so many people so many people mask people look this up you can look this up believe me believe me masked people are saying but it work we don't work well we do they don't they don't i don't look i still have coveted okay i got it when it started it has not gone away i lost my taste i lost my smell i lost my ability to love which was the craziest part and not just for my wife but i love halo i love snackwell's cookies and now i just don't even you know you could just [ __ ] queef down my throat not still go to bed on time does that make sense absolutely i've been to russia and they do that in a lot of great hotels there and you and you and you're a world traveler but you're also uh you're also an ambassador of places that that don't get a lot of love mar-a-lago for example was just known as a florida's butthole pretty much until you'd dug up a golf course there let me just say this okay and i love mara lago okay this disneyland okay terrible company they let the well well well i loved uh okay they let the alligators eat the children the delegator came out of the golf course and said yum yum yum give me this child well first of all alligators can't talk but you're probably not wrong if they could talk uh that's probably what he said but the kid also was asking for it okay how do you know that that kid didn't want to be eaten he definitely he probably was covered in delicious baby oil and this is true well it was a chubby kid most fat kids smell like syrup and that's a fact you can google it we'll be right back we'll keep it right here i think if you're a kid and you're walking your water you got to assume there's a creature coming out of it i assume that anything can be grabbed [ __ ] or child at any time and let me just say this well that's a part of your [ __ ] or child safety act that you tried to implement but joe biden shut it down and that was the first is the jared fogle act the who the jared oh there's the tuna guy with an h the guy who ran subway fogle was his last name yes i never knew his last name i just knew jared from subway the same way i was like hitler what's his last name turns out it is hitler [Music] see and that's why you gotta read because there's so many facts out there that we just don't know but we think we know listen i i read all the time i read the bible every day i read a lot of things and most importantly let me just say this because a lot of people are asking i've got great property not just in mar-a-lago mar-a-lago is the number one property that i have but i also have them in north korea oh i've got great property in north korea i think it's unbelievable and i have it in uh wonderful places and i think that uh you should come out and visit you'd be my guest it'd be so beautiful it's so great well i'm not a big golf guy i'm a big uh ping-pong guy i'm a big uh i like to bowl right uh they have balls of all sizes well you know bowling the sport but what i do love what i do love is a good hammock uh in the in the middle of the afternoon right right after a rub and tug just to lay in a hammock and just sway from back and forth next to sway from uh that serious radio show uh in new york isn't that his name yes i thought i think it's sway i thought you were talking about an obscure american idol contestant suey panella jose swaipinella there should have won and i've said that for a long time jose sweeping if you're listening and we know you are trump loves you if you want to talk about true people that were robbed from that contest championship uh it's uh it's sanjaya okay i was a big s i was the first guy to vote for sanjay because he sent me a text right after and said hey you actually you know they actually put my number up on the screen instead of the vote for number so he texts me back and now we keep in touch probably a little too much you know he's you know he's not doing so hot and i don't like to surround myself with losers but but there is something to be said about going somewhere recognizing the importance and taking advantage and nicholas cage does that every time he films a movie he goes there first learns the language learns what the people do and then assimilates and nick i know that you're getting ready to go on a massive speaking tour to not only promote your movie but to promote just just uh meditation and and and cream cheese you're coming out with the new nic cage cream cheese which is seems a little unorthodox but also go on it's uh thank you uh for having me so uh most people don't know this but it's cage flavored hell yeah there's uh tony hawk and uh little nasdaq's put a little bit of their blood in those shoes we put a little bit of cage and all the cream cheese now are you a cream cheese do you like it jeff bridges likes cheese whiz on everything do you like cream cheese and everything or is it a bagel only uh household for you you know the same way you'll like meet a couple and they'll go you know we have three positions we like right indoors outdoors and doggy are you are you like someone with cream cheese where you like bagel is that's it or i go bagel i go toast i go you know pop-tart just the back of it maybe sure i uh uh i will uh take a a a sword i collect swords oh yeah and i will i will knife out some cream cheese and i will eat the entire box well you got a good metabolism so i i assume that you can pound a couple you know jugs of that [ __ ] and not feel the side effects but you do seem a little droopy a little sleepy i have a secret that i will reveal here i actually use uh a tapeworm that's how i say so fit but it makes me so tired at the exact same time so ah i uh i pound uh celsius uh uh oh hey well cheers i'm on the peach vibe right now and i'm not usually a peach guy you know my favorite flavor is uh red whether we're talking starburst or suckers or uh kool-aid or uh you know even when i have to buy my wife tampons i like the red box the best uh power ranger red that was my favorite crayons crayons i like red um trying to think of other red stuff the thing that you use in bingo bingo ink bingoing bingo red bingoing and when i get it i go bingo well paul giamatti is who i first played bingo with but it was over zoomed during the pandemic and paul i hate to throw you under the bus or put you back inside of it and tie you to the back seat and let the fat kids throw spitballs at you but oh i've been there you're competitive you're competitive as [ __ ] and you kind of ruined the game for me and my family to be honest with you well i'm a very very competitive guy as you know dr phil there's a few things that i am uh not competitive about and bingo is the uh is the number one thing people say paul you can't beat us at bingo and i said let's go well yeah it was like five it was like blackout or it was no it was a cross you got five across real quick and you [ __ ] you flipped out you know and we were just it was not even seven o'clock yet you hadn't and you were drinking merlot too i know listen you're not remembering that story very well i was not drinking mellow okay i was drinking pinot noir all right i was drinking pinot noir and a little bit of coca-cola well that's called a giamatti when you ruin a very expensive wine with some cheap soda well your [ __ ] attitude ruined that not a bingo and i'll never forget that but thank god anthony bourdain was there because you know i've got uh people don't know this you get a certain amount of money in your life oprah's got it tony robbins has got it will smith had it but you know jada seems to be sucking that uh that tooth drive but but i do think that if you get to a certain place and laugh you can afford uh to uh to stay connected uh with those who have moved on and and my good pal anthony bourdain who uh who i see bi-weekly uh and bisexually because i'm you know always looking to to figure out what we're capable of as humans you know sure you know nipples are sensitive but you know how strong is a is a urethra you know and and anthony i know you told me when you went to singapore that they've got foods you didn't even know were on the menu as we go through life every time the only thing that makes it worth it are the surprises the things that you think you eat every day whether it is dirt for an earthworm a cotton sweater for a moth or pizza for paul giamatti or a ninja turtle paul giamatti a splinter is the ninja turtle of people i wish i just want to sign from here okay i i auditioned to play michelangelo because i am a party dude and you know they made me bebop you're [ __ ] making my mustache baba and the only way i like to be surprised is so much so that if i were to grow a mustache it would pop right off and when i went to singapore i got just that welcome to surprise foods singapore well the most if i were at any restaurant and someone said came out and said would you like to try our mustache you know i'd say first of all how old is he second of all you know you know is it on a he you know and thirdly you know sure because i'm dfw down for whatever and uh you know also i never knew this about jason statham jason you constantly especially post cove really turned me on to the idea first of all you turned me on you're on this new workout regimen where you're doing like 60 push-ups in a minute which i didn't you know for the longest time i thought a minute not a lot of good stuff could get could get uh could happen in a minute but you know dan bilzerian you know [ __ ] flipped the script on that is that guy's just constantly living on bukaki island and he's the mayor but but i think that when you find something you love you do it a lot if it doesn't hurt anyone and all you're doing is breaking hearts and and stalking farts but but that's not just a fun phrase you say it's something you live by but but did you did you know that kovit was coming or did you did you sense omicron was next are you excited for a new variant are you gonna can you do you think you could drop kick it if the new variant was a person who would it be the predator you know the movie predator yo i've seen it yeah so i was on a retreat hey what about you you love retreats don't you i i gotta get out of here you know what i mean do you like treats or retreats better i say trick or retreat for halloween in my house and i say in our 30s let me just say this when i'm out of town i'll get off the grid and i was in a jungle of bolivia and uh and suddenly well it's a great story uh just a quick lesson to anyone out there telling a story uh a country followed by or i'm sorry a lo a an exotic location followed by a country you've never been to or probably won't is a great way to suck me off into a story that i never thought i'd pay attention to jungle chick bolivia check statham i'm i'm halfway to i'm halfway to [ __ ] come town right now and i and i don't even bring a map my phone's dead well let me get you there all the way so i'm gonna chuckle up olivia all right and we're with a lot of guys here you know i mean a lot of soldiers and suddenly there's this coronavirus thing that nobody can see except i can see it and he kills all my mates by the end of it though i got him you got who coronavirus i killed him that was the first time i ever encountered it and then there was a second wave of corona they did with danny glover but i wasn't a part of that damn see that's what i'm talking you got that cool you got that swagger where you just [ __ ] you just [ __ ] [ __ ] up constantly you know i'm just constantly you know i'm like i stubbed my toe in the dishwasher a couple nights ago you know i just kicked someone right there see that's that's [ __ ] that's i know a second i'm just getting ready now do you have oh my stepdad's calling now tell him i said that'll probably make it weird if i pick up is there is there's is there something is there something about karate am i pronouncing it right that that that keeps us from truly making it the sport of sports mma ufc uti ti um tp uta uta caa uh hpv wnba a t we'll be right back how many times do you how many times do you find yourself going i could kick that guy's ass in a normal day you walk down the street let's say you walk down rodeo boulevard okay rodeo drive which is one block away from the boulevard and you walk down you see uh every type of person right you see a fat guy you see a persian guy with nice shoes you see a armenian guy with bad shoes you see a woman with an armenian guy with cool shoes next to a guy with bad shoe what do you do do you do you just do you size them up do you let them know i can [ __ ] you up because i've always wanted that i'd do that at you know if i you know look i go to a putt-putt course there's some kid who's got a hole-in-one he's trying to impress some girl that hopefully he can you know you know finger later i definitely i'd definitely give him a little elbow on the next hole and just go you ain't [ __ ] [ __ ] but that's just for my own ego you know and also i'm i like to be king of the putt-putt how do you handle that i think about it like this okay i'll do that with animals if i see you talk [ __ ] to creatures see i'm done i've beaten every human i could find you know so next i use the challenge so i go you know swipe left on human right but if i see an animal who's being kind of cocky jermaine you ever see like cookie or cocky a little bit of both you know and um when you see a dunk like a duck dog a duck brown like a quack quack oh right you see this guy you know and he's over there just like being a [ __ ] duck you're going like oh do you think you can take me i fought a lot of ducks damn just because i like stole your bread or something listen it's my bread i was eating the subway right and uh well people don't notice you just buy loaves and loaves of bread and you just sit out next to ponds and eat it suck them down and you know you can't fall a duck of a play-doh fun factory you know that was coming out i'm just going in oh in one bite yeah like a goddamn uh poland constrictor i'm sucking down mice except instead of mice it's lowe's it tastes like ashley furniture now bulk bow constrictor is a great name if you're a porn star that loves to uh you know gargle on uh you know what i'm trying to say rhymes with [ __ ] but i think that if you're uh if you're a guy who just likes to sit on a park bench next to a leg or a pond or an ocean or whatever you know what have you there's a pool or dust a body of water where ducks can frequent it's not illegal and you're sitting there with tons of bread it's not wrong for the duck okay to assume that you're there to feed them now if they charge at you which i've seen happen i've seen upwards of 800 ducks charge charge a man and and it was a death man and he couldn't hear him coming and they they they nibbled on this guy and you know thank god you know my phone had died my friends was we captured the whole thing about 13 minutes of a [ __ ] just a duck [ __ ] feast these guys and i'm not using the word [ __ ] lightly they ate this guy and then a couple of the ducks it looked like penetration let me tell you what happened one time a similar situation it's actually on my youtube page right now quick shout out to the statham youtube channel one of my newest uh favorite go-to's i appreciate that very much oh yeah i'm obsessed subscribe i'm obsessed with statham's youtube page and those uh those shows where the guy pushes on people's foreheads and and gives them their skills back have you seen that no i've never seen this oh god it's like late night infomercials like it's some sort of jesus christ buddha some guy walks out and he's like hey you know this guy can't you know he's he can't stop he's got you know a premature ejaculator and then he pushes on the guy's forehead and he falls off the stage stands back up and he's like i only come when i want to now and then some woman's like i can't read and then he [ __ ] you know kicks her in the [ __ ] butt or something and then she falls over and then she's like you know and then she pulls out a [ __ ] menu from the cheesecake factory and reads it backwards you know say this is this jared fogle well i i mean that's one guy that could not help they pushed him in the forehead and he goes that reminds me of the time i was at the ball pit and then they just pulled them they took off his lavalier mic and sent him back into the uh i believe this sounds like a bang bang just just keep pushing just push a little harder how softer now harder right so i'm obsessed with that in your youtube channel because you post a lot of clips of me fun this guy right what was it a farm you know i mean just like feeding now it's just feeding the goats i got a lot of goats so the goats are there we gotta put a little feed in here and i don't remember he knows what to do so all of a sudden i see this bloke over there and then a flock of [ __ ] just a flock of [ __ ] like it's a goddamn ex-hamster searching oh boy flutter cock's going to ascend on this guy and before he knows he's how many [ __ ] we talking by the way i'm 69. and he looks at him and he goes this is why you got to follow statham's youtube page unintentional comedy that's funny 69 is the most dangerous position out there but the funniest number of [ __ ] to be chasing someone keep going so i run in slow-mo you know what i mean i was but i fed the fed for the goats actually i said this is what you taste like delicious is it feta made from goats it is you know who told me that john stamos goddamn is he smart or what well somebody no somebody told him we were playing telephone he knows everything about the greek cheeses don't cancel me you don't think you can say greek cheeses anymore oh sorry it's fine you can say it i just can't say it okay people with hair can get away with a lot more these days oh is that true i i'll get well jason's safe from being bald i don't know why i'm worried oh yeah i'm wearing it [Laughter] well that was my third thing i wanted to say is i love your new look i appreciate it wait jason's stay uh to patrons so you're fighting these [ __ ] so i'm running into the fear right and then the [ __ ] as they do they turn on me and they just start coming at me i got 69 [ __ ] just trying to spread at me right and it just keeps hitting me in the chest and i'm like blocking them and i'm doing a lot of things and i'm just ringing these [ __ ] out and i got too many chances and then i realized i take my goddamn shoe up and i'm just taking forward and there's some people don't know this about them off i beat all the [ __ ] off and they left and they just [ __ ] off huh i [ __ ] them off well and see that's look and it's times like those you go i wish the cameras were rolling i wish we'd capture that for some sort of an opening to a movie called take that [ __ ] we did capture it it's on my youtube page like and subscribe like and subscribe to statham's youtube speaking of liking and subscribing i can't subscribe enough to uh one of the sponsors of the podcast which is also something that i've been wanting to happen for the longest time my dear friend christopher walken he and i look we went to we went to a hebrew school together we weren't we're not jews but we we crashed wedding crasher style and it's where we would get some strange you know and i'm i've always actually a lot of butt mitzvahs bob mitchell's bar mitzvahs just mitzvahs in general you i mean you were talk about a guy who gives out mitzvahs i've never seen a guy pull out a chair for more women in my entire life who appreciated the gesture and that's what half a life is attempting the gesture make make a make an impulse to be to have a purposeful decision that uh that coincides with your beliefs but doesn't take away from from from the moment itself but adds to it don't take away add to it and you've always said that chris and what i love about first of all what i love about what you do is that you're just doing it you don't stop you don't quit you're like a you're like a you're like a burn victim in that way you go you know it got hot but i'm going to keep on keeping i'm like a firefighter i'm not going to just say this i'm like a cat who's fleeing a burning building but the kittens are still inside so i'm going to go back for all that [ __ ] because that's your family right thing to do and i say it at ba and bat mitzvahs i say you give a lot of speeches that bob a lot of people see chris they know he crashed he knows he's not part of the family he's asked to go up and give a speech uh in front of the whole family and absolutely and you don't even speak hebrew but you say it in a way that sounds like you do a lot of phlegm i said hello how are you today happy to be here and there you go this guy must be circumcised he said what is this guy a rabbi but you played a rabbi many times and the thing about just uh putting on the yarmulke it's you transform you know you do you feel like you feel like a different person and you're a simpleton in that way i know it just takes a jacket or a shoe to make you get into character i'm the daniel there lewis of props you just give me whatever i'm in now last time i spoke to you was over uh uh all right i had a tuna with an h sandwich earlier and i know we were joking about it but i feel like something's bubbling up listen i actually am in talks right now to play um the founder of subway now that's a movie i'd like to see because your side businesses are getting going but i know that acting is still your true passion but you told me over scott that the walk-in closet is just about ready the prototype is ready it's ready to we need to start calling bed bath and beyond we need to start calling shopper image sharper image brookstone skymall mary [ __ ] kill skymall brookstone sharper image well you gotta you gotta kill skymall because half the time the wi-fi it doesn't work i wanna order it's a dick tease it's a hey it's i'm in you see a toaster that knows your birthday and then all sudden you know cl click to buy excuse me can we please restart the wifi and we don't and then i can't order and by the time i'm off the plane you forget about it forget about it until right now you only want it when you're up in the [ __ ] sky when the air is thin it's the mall for the sky i don't want it who buys [ __ ] from skymall on the ground no it's meant to be bought in the [ __ ] air it's sorry for that's land maul yeah or seem seamless in the same all where's that see is it it's underwater oh it's next to sea world the only way you can get there is by uber underwater scuba who works there dolphins so when you were a kid when you were a kid did you always fantasize about opening your own restaurant because walk-in closets crushing it always but now you've got walk-ins welcome which is basically you know watkins walk-ups it's my food truck right which is which is great because you know you're synonymous with food i think every movie i've seen you when you're snacking on something or someone you got to that's why i love porn but let me just say this my favorite thing we're going to announce it right here on the program oh great we're doing a walkathon you're doing a walk we'll see that was i knew that was next we're doing a walkathon where we're going to try to raise money for watkins disease what is that it's a it's a cold i get it every now and then and we don't have a cure a lot of people they don't know this because you can take over-the-counter [ __ ] you can it's garbage everything they sell is garbage garbage so you want to come out with a whole new line of medicine yeah but we need to raise the money for it so because you got stiff competition you got benadryl nyquil dayquil and knock was the stuff the nighttime sniffling sneezing coughing stuff you had fever so you can rest medicine and i always say yeah i can rest after i [ __ ] hallucinate for an hour and a half last time i took nyquil i thought i had i had a dream i was a panda going down on katy perry we'll be right back we'll keep it right here it was a great dream hey because i've always wanted to see a panda live so i went i looked in the mirror i brushed my teeth i said what [ __ ] this rules and then katie's like where are you at and i was like i'll be right there quickly trying to make myself not a panda because that was your teenage dream baby i was a firework wow you give me some of that nyquil i'd like to try this well that should be their new commercial it's just some some you know doctor you know going i shouldn't take this because it's not prescribed to me but i'm going to because i can't [ __ ] sleep so i'm going to take it guzzle guzzle guzzle right pills pills guzzle right and next thing you know i'm face down in a mouthful of kp looking to you know looking to roar you know i love it i will say this for the walkathon drugs we will have plenty of hallucinogens in the drugs so you're going to have things to make you sleep and make you just stop coughing what's going to be the sneeze antidepressant we do this thing they have it in mucinix that's another one you got to [ __ ] with but mucinex this thing it really dries you out your mouth and your nose are going to feel like a litter box you're gonna be oof is that good it is i'm gonna play the devil's advocate is that good have you seen the movie dune no oh wow the sand worms you're gonna feel like a sand worm again just to double down on that i think you don't you want to be dry sometimes yeah but not all the time i'll be honest with you i don't know i'm not a doctor i went to school with a girl who was constantly uh she had a squirting problem and we used to call her squirt sarah and sh it wasn't a clever nickname but it did enough damage on her socially that she transferred but we we always thought wow i bet she would have loved a pill that would have made her dry up a little so you're talking about just that yeah to dry your your sand worm out let me tell you about squirtle sarah that the pokemon character your friend all she had to do is take some walk-in drugs and they're in the shape of me the flintstones have the vitamins but these walk-in drugs so it's just one like theranos could just get all the diseases all in one prick it's just one pill it's also a limitless pill it's a lot of things was that movie good it wasn't good it was great because it really it talked about how we're all limitless and well we some of us have limitations not on that pill i need you for the commercial now this is going to be the commercial because i i feel like i've got limited i can't juggle first of all you know try this pill whoa juggling is actually i can't believe you're bringing this up juggling because i like to get deep on my show juggling is a side effect of the walking effect which is the lame because it was developed for a guy in a wheelchair originally guess what he started walking he doesn't have to go to that guy to push on his [ __ ] forehead then no he does not just take your pill well that's what i like an entrepreneur you know someone who's thinking outside the box outside the bun right just someone who's looking to take things up a notch but not make it too crazy right you walk into a nightclub which i know you do and people stop and turn and go who's that guy and you go they go did he just walk in here right and how do you feel about people that do impressions of you i mean i've never heard a great one right i've heard some good ones on the youtube and the tick tock but not one that was accurate if you had a billion dollars right now chris what new what would who would you give it to would you give it to like would you would you open a zoo and what sort of animals would you put in it and follow-up question would you would you buy like an island or would you just like buy islands the restaurant and just and just be able to go in whenever you wanted to first of all i i would not buy a zoo because matt damon already did it we bought a zoo i was up for jb's smooth spot [ __ ] and the thing is zoos they they cage animals they cage it's also been done been there been that been let's set these animals free right well that's madagascar isn't it isn't that the plot of madagascar absolutely a zebra buh-bye lion guy go home i pay a million bucks to see you ride a zebra out of the zoo as the rest of the animals fall behind as if you were like the [ __ ] pied piper you know i need to buy a zebra well i know a zebra guy it ain't cheap and it's not legal and i don't actually know him but i but but i could figure it out because i'm one of those guys where there's a will there's a way and i know will ferrell will wheaton and will clark the major league baseball player and all those guys know zebra guys so between that i said we get ourselves a couple of zebras and and we ride across africa mississippi yes the africa of the west of the west because of the the rivers well they're shooting blended too over there soon the adam sandler drew barrymore movie i think i'm probably in it i have to talk to my agent i mean every film he does i want to play a zebra in this new one zebra is a great uh porn name or stripper name or someone that just works at like a donut shop his stripes are right oh yeah i think that's what we do i get you you and i play the wisecracking zebras in the movie and we get a female name deborah the zebra and there's three of us like the jackals or the hyenas and the lion king and we narrate the whole film as these wisecracking hilarious zebras well if we're gonna have a film where we have people voicing characters like that we'd have to have my man seth rogen who who i don't think people understand seth and first of all you reached out to me to be on today's show because you said i've got some stuff i need to talk about i've got some laundry i need to air out because we're approaching a time in life where we've never seen this much division uh between not just people but the types of people and also in schools they're bringing back division right and math it's it's unbelievable like when i went when i was when i was a kid i uh i i was like wow it seems like everything is you know getting better and you know up in canada it's like we you know we we we feel united but like you know in the last few years has just been like wow everybody is so angry at everybody and it's just like you know i've gotta like smoke more weed than i ever wanted to before just like sort of mellow out it's like you know giving me anxiety yeah i i get anxiety like i just wake up in the middle of the night and i think i'm like in a cage right or i start thinking about i have flashbacks to t-ball when my coach would like you know spit on me if i struck out do you have thoughts like that are there things that trigger moments in your life where you go i wish i was better uh yeah absolutely absolutely the other day i was out there and i i thought i was smoking purple nurple and i was actually smoking uh a puffy dumpster and i was like wow [ __ ] that noise [ __ ] that noise and there was like so much noise in my head and i was like all right you know hey hey i'll uh you know what i'll do is i'll just like cancel it all out so i just like took another thing that's called a grimace boater and i sucked on that for a while and i was like all right and then i realized i wasn't sucking at a grimace motor i was sucking at a mcnugget which is even weed what's crazy about and mcnugget you know that could be that's a euphemism right in some countries it's a it's foreplay it's the it's the appetizer it's that irish [ __ ] wrestler mcnugget that's and this is what i love about you you you know you're a global you got like mass appeal your movies do well overseas they do well uh you know under the sea i know sea world you had to deal with them for a while to play your movies for the fish before they got eaten by shamu as a little send-off of like life ain't so bad oh wait num num num you're dead uh do you think that there's gonna ever come a point where movies don't exist i think uh you know you know here here's what i am hey this is what i think because now we got hulu and fubu and it's like what's next you know yeah i mean i i just try to sell them fubu i just tried to sell the fubu are you a part owner in fubu huh i i love the jerseys i uh i i love the jerseys i i've always loved the jersey would you buy a tampon for your wife that was made from fubu absolutely yeah i think that was the problem with their marketing scheme is they didn't make themselves accessible enough it was just like hoodies and and you know reebok made tampons so when it was so much blood you can keep pumping well i do i do like the idea you're too quick for your own good sometimes i do feel like that there's something to be said about where we are right now where we're headed and where we might go and vince vaughn you you told me in your new podcast which i'm i'm i'm fascinated that it took you this long to jump into the podcast world because you've always been someone that doesn't have a an issue talking and now you get to do it with just you know ads in between for for mattresses and and pillows and [ __ ] and but but is there what's the theme of the podcast first of all it's called the vaughn effect my man and it's just about it's about me taking a friend right now and us getting over here and just picking a topic and just kind of going off it just friends bonding it's like it's a yeah it's a it's a v versus it's a vv guest kind of attitude you know i'm saying like vince vaughn versus and then whoever i bring across the table we'll talk about anything right now we talked about fubu tampons last week it was a great one and i like the energy that we both brought to the conversation you know it was actually it was myself and it was uh it was robert downey jr well that guy that guy rules and he rules so hard that look there's five different guys i'd love to be if i could get a time machine and you talk about time travel because you've you've time you've you've time traveled i i actually have my man i i love time travel i'm a time traveler motorboat and son of a [ __ ] and i i like the energy of the time i like to bring the time and the time is relative you know what i'm saying like right now like we all wear watches but i'm trying to watch the throne is coming out with another one they're doing a second one with kanye and jay-z this daddy can't wait for it i'm excited i'm excited for that album you're a man about town you're a man of the hour you're a man with the plan starring matt leblanc or was it man without a plan it was man with a plan it was i think it ran for a little while on cbs and i think that you know that was a big deal for matt leblanc because you know a lot of people put money on the fact that you can only be joey from friends i said that i put 90 grand on the fact that he would never work again and you know i'd love to be wrong you know i said that danny bonaducci would host a daytime talk show and i was right now did i put money on that no because it was like i was just [ __ ] up and i said i bet he'll host a show and then he did it uh because he had uh connections in that world but when you're making bets and i know you bet on a lot of turtle races i know you bet on you know you'll you'll meet someone at a starbucks and go i bet that person's gonna be the next president that person is gonna work for someone important daddy lost money though i bet on a lot of turtles i bet that paul giamatti was gonna be michelangelo it turns out that they made it bebop or rocksteady one of those guys uh well one of those and they're those are the lost souls right bebop rocksteady uh cash me outside girl sure she's living the dream i think she has bought a [ __ ] yacht or some [ __ ] but it makes me go back to an earlier point you know mcdonald's became mcdonald's because of the food but what sustained them the characters right uh i know that the hamburglar you know is someone you've been long been trying to play in a tv movie because he's misunderstood rubble rubble i believe that was his catchphrase rubble rubble was the hamburglar i believe so it was you sure that wasn't barney rubble's catchphrase i think he was a fan of the flintstones i think we all are a fan of the flintstones but i think he was like a rebel rubber kind of guy well i'd love i've been saying this for years [ __ ] the tesla [ __ ] [ __ ] the plug-in okay give me that foot motivated car where i can just truly decide when i start and stop i have to be you know succumb to the man let me decide i think it's going to be hard in san francisco area where it's a lot of uphill battles and stuff like that but i i well then it forces you again our country's so [ __ ] fat it forces you to get some leg strength going make leg day a priority instead of cookie day i like this i like this idea i mean i like i like barney rubble i like the whole flintstone kind of energy the kind of attitude i hope that jurassic park is i hope that's real because i'm going to bring those dino babies back i want to have a good time with all those guys too also who was your favorite who was your favorite animal in the flintstones world because there was like i think there was a rhino who did the dishes there was like a pterodactyl that like went like that that uh i don't know that [ __ ] he like did something to fred's balls or something yeah yeah i remember that that guy's name was leonard fluffy or something it was the fluff i liked the great i liked the great great kazoo what'd he do again he was the alien the little green guy would pop in from the future i think it was actually from the jetsons but they did a lot of crossovers which i really enjoyed my favorite kind of guy i like the guy that would take the pictures he would chisel choose a chisel and then you go hey buddy how are you doing my man you know what he'd say hey it's a living it's a living he was the funny one he was the comedic you know the kind of the energy he brought that kind of energy to that [ __ ] family he was the li he was the comic relief but also that's a tough gig to get flintstones family portrait guy i mean incredible now what about bambam hey what does this kid do for a living he's abusive it's called bam bam it's adorable you make a good point because uh abuse in the home is no laughing matter but the flintstones made it okay by putting it on the kid they said hey here's a kid who doesn't know any better we're gonna give him a giant night stick that looks like a [ __ ] turkey leg and let him just go to town beating the [ __ ] out of everyone but and and and he made it better by just saying what he was doing he's like hey i'm not i'm not bullshitting you right now bam bam what am i doing right now i'm bam bamming you i'm bamming you no thank you ma'am just bam bam bam bam thank you ma'am well if he said that maybe we would have there been a season two a little bit of i've forgiven him a little bit but he's a child he's a child we're teaching him bad manners is what i'm trying to say you know what that that did not take place in 2022 my man we that did not stand today you know what he would say sorry sorry that little kid just apologizing for everything [ __ ] that's deep and it's deep but it's also fair and that's what i'm about i'm about getting deep and getting fair it's my favorite kind of porn well it's the only way i do intercourse is i'm going to get in there but i'm not going to lie about how much i'm packing you saw it when i pulled my pants down and i'm not saying that figuratively i mean that is a as a real-life thing that i said so before we wrap this up i just want to say president obama thanks for starting a podcast thanks for thanks for setting the table for for presidents to come after you and to just drop the ball because you set the bar high yeah i know you get high and where do you get your weed from well uh thank you dr phil for having me on uh i get my weed uh michelle's got a guy we've known him since harvard and not like an entanglement guy right like no sir no siree bob we got we got a guy that exclusively uh deals us the uh danky stanky and uh let me be clear when i'm on there i'm high as [ __ ] and it feels absolutely uh fantastic gotta be some cool bills you probably make up when you get stoned right like hey we should pass a law where you can only get erasmutas at jamba juice the razzmatazz is absolute gold and i like to throw a little bit of uh everclear in there and that's called an obama and you know what else uh it's called an obama the way that you uh look into people's eyes when you talk to them joe i love mr biden but he doesn't it's tough to look it's tough to not think he's about to fall asleep it's tough for me to engage with anyone trump was too much with eye contact joe's too little but i do want to know this if you were the one who who slapped chris chris rock i think it would have been it would have been funnier it would have been sweeter it wouldn't have been as effective or intimidating because hearing you scream at chris rock uh which i know you've said to anyone i know that even like when waiters come up and they say you know michelle obama can i take your order you say [Music] take my wife's name out of your [ __ ] mouth and they're like i'm just doing my job i just wanna know if she wants a side salad but you say i keep my wife's name out of your uh [ __ ] mouth yeah and that was the last time you you uh you went to uh to sizzler and uh we haven't been back since uh that's also called an obama when you're banned at sizzler and uh let me be clear i'm sorry it's the people at sizzler but i'm not sorry for slapping that young man because uh he said something a little off uh pudding and uh i just wanted him to let him know that looks delicious how you want some flattened a starbucks egg bites uh no thank you uh but i appreciate the offer see i got the not not too much eye contact not too little they call me the goldilocks of eye contact well that's what got goldilocks in trouble she looked those bears right in the [ __ ] hoo-ha's and they said we're going to eat you and they did and let's but let's all you know devil's advocate she wanted to be eaten you don't go there take a bears a porridge and expect that they're not gonna it's like with statham uh what you said to him about ducks you bring bread about this old saying from in the obama household you bring bread around a duck you gotta go quack quack this has been a a pleasure pleasure-filled afternoon for me i've uh all my friends came by uh all eight of them i think there might have been more than that but uh i'll lose touch i covet you know it's taking away my ability to eat smell and count but not get hard i don't need eugenics not not now anyway but i do but i do want to meet frank thomas thanks for uh listening uh and and i hope this helped i hope you got something out of it i hope you you put something into it because you don't get what you you don't you don't chris walken said it best you don't get herpes if you wear a condom good night everybody zoa thanks rock guys adam right here for the about last night podcast hope you enjoyed that episode it was a good one a lot of laughs a lot of tears a lot of uh stuff to uh to think about and chew on huh cause that's what life's all about chewing on the good stuff nobody said that maybe denzel did maybe tom hanks did maybe they said it together in philadelphia the point is click subscribe right here on the aln logo so you can get more episodes and stay up to date when new content drops highlights animations clips it's all here for you baby i'll see you next time i don't know how to blink

Channel: About Last Night Podcast with Adam Ray

Views: 56,986

Keywords: jonathan kite, jon kite, jonathan kite celebrity impressions, funny celebrity impressions, best celebrity impressions, Jonathan Kite, Tom Hanks impression, Vince Vaugh impression, Jeff Bridges impression, Barack Obama impression, Anthony Bourdain impression, Jason Statham impression, Seth Rogen impression, Christopher Walken impression, adam ray about last night podcast, comedian adam ray, adam ray podcast, obama impression, jonathan kite interview, best impressions, funny

Id: M96PMyzPOYg

Length: 68min 15sec (4095 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 20 2022