YOU KNOW, AS FUN AS IT IS TO WATCH AND TALK ABOUT THE
CONVENTION, THERE IS A LITTLE NON-CONVENTION NEWS OUT THERE. TODAY, IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT FOX
NEWS C.E.O. ROGER AILES, WHO WAS ACCUSED OF REPEATED SEXUAL
HARASSMENT, HAS RESIGNED. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THE RESIGNATION COMES ON THE HEELS OF A FOX NEWS INTERNAL
PROBE. (LAUGHTER)
INTERNAL PROBE, BY THE WAY, IS ONE OF THE THINGS HE'S ACCUSED
OF ASKING FOR. NOW, I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT,
ALTHOUGH I SPENT WELL OVER A DECADE MAKING FUN OF HIS NETWORK
AND HIM AND THE DAMAGE I THINK HE DID TO THE WORLD,
THE NEWS OF THIS MAN LOSING HIS JOB GIVES ME NO PLEASURE. (LAUGHTER)
JIMMY, CAN WE GET THE CAMERA OFF ME FOR A SECOND? (CHEERING)
IF ONLY THERE WAS SOMEONE I COULD SHARE THIS LACK OF
PLEASURE WITH. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> HEY, STEPHEN. >> Stephen: OH, JON STEWART! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
GOOD TO SEE YOU! >> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? NORMALLY THIS TIME OF NIGHT, I'M
JUST SLEEPING. >> Stephen: YOU KNOW HOW ROGER
AILES HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT? >> OH, I MIGHT HAVE READ
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT. >> Stephen: WELL, HE STEPPED
DOWN TODAY. >> HUH. JIMMY, CAN YOU TAKE THE CAMERA
OFF ME FOR A SECOND? (CHEERING)
>> Stephen: SO THANKS FOR STOPPING BY. IS THERE SOMETHING I COULD HELP
YOU WITH? >> I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD
JUST MAYBE TALK ABOUT THE ELECTION FOR A LITTLE BIT. >> Stephen: OF COURSE. WELL, I'M GONNA JUST NEED
THE -- YOUR DESK. >> Stephen: WANT TO SIT HERE? YEAH. (CHEERING)
>> Stephen: REALLY NICE DOWN HERE. >> IT'S BEEN A WHILE. >> Stephen: ACTUALLY --
OH, RIGHT. >> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT TO DO. THIS
(CHEERING) >> OH, YEAH. >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. GOES RIGHT ON THE HAIR. >> Stephen: HAVE A GOOD TIME. THANK YOU SO MUCH. HELLO! HOW ARE YOU? (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> AH, THANK YOU. WELL, THE CONVENTION'S OVER. AND THE REPUBLICANS APPEAR TO
DEFENSE HE SAID IVANKA WAS GOING TO SPEAK BUT THIS ANGRY GUY
CAMEON'S OUT AND VOMITED ON
EVERYBODY FOR AN HOUR. THE REPUBLICANS APPEAR TO HAVE A
VERY CLEAR PLAN FOR AMERICA. JAIL THEIR POTENTIAL OPPONENT. INJECT RUDY GIULIANI WITH A
SPEEDBALL-AND-RED-BULL ENEMA, AND SPEND THE REST OF THE TIME
SCARING THE HOLY BEJESUS OUT OF EVERYBODY. BUT I'M NOT INTERESTED IN
THAT.TIME ME, I'M JUST GONNA
ENJOY WATCHING THE GYMNASTICS PORTION
OF THE PROGRAM.LY THAT WILL BE THE CONTORTIONS
MANY CONSERVATIVES WILL HAVE TO DO TO EMBRACE DONALD TRUMP, A
MAN WHO EMBODIES ALL THE THINGS THAT THEY HAVE FOR YEARS SAID
THEY'VE HATED ABOUT BARACK OBAMA. >> MOST INEXPERIENCED NOMINEE TO
EVER RUN FOR PRESIDENT. >> ONE OF THE MOST DIVISIVE
PRESIDENTS IN HISTORY. >> NOTORIOUSLY THIN-SKINNED. STRAIGHTFORWARDLY
AUTHORITARIAN. >> A RAGING NARCISSIST WHO HAS
NO GRIP ON REALITY.RC (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> A THIN-SKINNED NARCISSIST. NO GOVERNMENT EXPERIENCE. YES, THAT SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE --
BARACK OBAMA. (LAUGHTER)
SO RIGHT WING MEDIA IS GOING TO HAVE TO SPEND 24 HOURS A DAY,
SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, NOW, JUSTIFYING THIS CHOICE. CAN THEY MAKE THE TURN? THEY ALREADY ARE. LET'S TRACE THE JOURNEY THROUGH
THE EYES OF ONE OF THEIR MOST TALENTED GYMNASTS. HIS NAME ESCAPES ME, SO LET'S
REFER TO HIM AS LUMPY. (LAUGHTER)
HI, LUMPY. FOR INSTANCE, HERE'S HOW LUMPY
FELT ABOUT BARACK OBAMA'S DIVISIVENESS. >> THIS PRESIDENT IS THE MOST
DIVISIVE PRESIDENT IN HISTORY. DIVIDED ALONG RACIAL LINES, RICH
VERSUS POOR, BLACK VERSUS WHITE, OLD VERSUS YOUNG. >> CATS VS. DOGS, BATMAN VS. SUPERMAN. THE ONE VS. THESE OTHER TWO! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I HAVE BEEN OUT OF THE BUSINESS FOR A WHILE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS,
ACTUALLY. (LAUGHTER)
IF YOU DON'T LIKE DIVISIVENESS, WHAT ABOUT TRUMP SUGGESTING
MEXICO IS SENDING US THEIR RAPISTS? IF YOU DON'T LIKE DIVISIVE
RHETORIC, THEN -- >> PERHAPS INARTICULATE, BUT HE
DID SAY, YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE ARE GOOD PEOPLE. HE DIDN'T SAY ALL MEXICANS. >> AND CINCO DE MAYO! HE HAD THE TRUMP TOWER TACO
BOWL! THAT IS ONE OF THE HEALINGEST MEALS ON THE TRUMP TOWER MENU. LOOK, I'M NOT AN EXPERT ON
RACIAL UNITY, BUT SOME OF OUR MORE NOTED HISTORICAL LEADERS IN
THAT AREA DID RETWEET WHITE SUPREMACISTS LESS. LESS THAN TRUMP. SO I BELIEVE -- I'M JUST SAYIN'. (LAUGHTER)
THEN THERE WAS THE OBAMA CRONY THAT LUMPY COULDN'T STAND. HIS OLD FRIEND TELEPROMPTY. >> PRESIDENT OBAMA, HE CAN'T
READ A SENTENCE WITHOUT A TELEPROMPTER. HE SLEEPS WITH THE DARN THING. >> YEAH, HE PROBABLY SLEEPS WITH
THE DAMN THING. AND THEN PROBABLY DOESN'T CALL
IT THE NEXT DAY BECAUSE IT DIDN'T SAY ON THE TELEPROMPTER,
TO CALL! (LAUGHTER)
LUMPY, YOUR 180, PLEASE. >> WE'VE SEEN HIM GIVING A
SERIES OF POLICY SPEECHES, USING A TELEPROMPTER, STAYING ON
MESSAGE, REALLY WELL DONE FOR SOMEBODY WHO HAD NEVER DONE IT
BEFORE. Y >> YOU HATE TELEPROMPTERS! YOU'RE SAYING NOW TELEPROMPTERS
ARE FOR STUPID PEOPLE! AND I THOUGHT TRUMP HANDLED IT
PRETTY GOOD. (LAUGHTER)
BUT INEXPERIENCE ASIDE, DIVISIVENESS AIDE, THE WORST
THING ABOUT BARACK OBAMA IS HIS ELITISM. >> BARACK OBAMA IS ANYTHING BUT
MAINSTREAM. SITTING IN HIS MILLION-DOLLAR
HOME, CLAIMING TO BE FOR THE PEOPLE, WE HAVE TO WONDER HOW IN
TOUCH HE IS WITH THE AVERAGE AMERICAN. TAKE A LOOK AT HIM ORDERING HIS
BURGER WITH A VERY SPECIAL CONDIMENT. DIJON MUSTARD?AM. I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THAT FANCY
BURGER, MR. PRESIDENT. >> YEAH, YOU PROBABLY EAT THE
BURGER WITH YOUR MOUTH, INSTEAD OF ACTING LIKE A REAL AMERICAN
AND HAVING A MAGNUM FIRE IT UP YOUR ASS, LIKE THEY SERVE 'EM AT
ARBY'S! THAT'S HOW THEY SERVE THEM AT ARBY'S, THEY SHOOT THEM RIGHT UP
YOUR ASS. MEAN WHILE, HERE'S HOW LUMPYAT
FEELS ABOUT THE GUY WHO SITS IN A LITERAL GOLDEN THRONE AT THE
TOP OF A GOLDEN TOWER WITH HIS NAME IN GOLD LETTERS AT THE TOP
OF IT, EATING PIZZA WITH A KNIFE AND FORK. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT
GUY?DE >> I THOUGHT ONE OF THE
MORE FASCINATING DESCRIPTIONS OF YOUR
DAD CAME FROM YOU. YOU ONCE CALLED HIM ON MY SHOW A
BLUE COLLAR BILLIONAIRE. (LAUGHTER)
>> THAT'S NOT A THING! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YOU KNOW WHAT? PLEASE -- IT IS TRUE. TRUMP SEEMS LIKE THE KIND OF GUY
YOU'D LIKE TO SIT DOWN AND OWN A FLEET OF AIRPLANES WITH. LOOK, ALL THAT STUFF IS
SUPERFICIAL. AND I'M SURE IT'S EASY FOR
PEOPLE WITHOUT ETHICS OR PRINCIPLES TO EMBRACE SOMEONE
WHO EMBODIES EVERYTHING THEY SAID THEY HATED ABOUT THE
PREVIOUS PRESIDENT FOR THE PAST EIGHT YEARS. BECAUSE IT'S ABOUT WHAT'S
INSIDE. AND THAT'S WHERE LUMPY AND
FRIENDS HAVE FOUND THE PRESIDENT LACKING. >> WHO SITS IN THE PEWS OF
JEREMIAH "GD AMERICA" AND "AMERICA'S CHICKENS HAVE COME
HOME TO ROOST" AFTER 9/11? IS THAT A CHRISTIAN CHURCH TO
YOU? HE SAYS HE'S A CHRISTIAN. I'M A CHRISTIAN. I WOULDN'T GO TO REVEREND
WRIGHT'S CHURCH. >> BUT OBAMA WOULD. BECAUSE HE'S THE TYPE OF
CHRISTIAN THAT'S, YOU KNOW, NOT CHRISTIAN.IG
WELL, WHEN THE POPE SAID THAT TRUMP'S TALK ABOUT IMMIGRATION
WAS NOT CHRISTIAN, SURELY THAT GAVE LUMPY PAUSE. >> WHO'S THE POPE TO SAY THATYO
DONALD TRUMP IS NOT A CHRISTIAN? HOW CAN A POPE OR ANYBODY DECIDE
IF SOMEBODY'S A CHRISTIAN IN THEIR HEART? >> YEAH, WHO DIED AND MADE THAT
GUY POPE? (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
NO ONE? OH, HE JUST RETIRED? I FEEL THAT. SO HERE'S WHERE WE ARE. EITHER LUMPY AND FRIENDS ARE
LYING ABOUT BEING BOTHERED BY THIN-SKINNED, AUTHORITARIAN,
LESS-THAN-CHRISTIAN READERS-OF-PROMPTER BEING
PRESIDENT, OR YOU DON'T CARE, AS LONG AS IT'S "YOUR" THIN-SKINNED
PROMPTER AUTHORITARIAN TYRANT NARCISSIST GIVING YOU YOUR
COUNTRY BACK TO ITS RIGHTFUL OWNERS.IN
ONLY ONE PROBLEM. IT'S NOT YOURS. YOU DON'T OWN IT. IT NEVER WAS. THERE IS NO "REAL" AMERICA. YOU DON'T OWN IT. YOU DON'T OWN PATRIOTISM. YOU DON'T OWN CHRISTIANITY. YOU SURE AS HELL DON'T OWN
RESPECT FOR THE DRIVERY AND SACRIFICE FOR MILITARY, POLICE
AND FIREFIGHTERS. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
TRUST ME. SAW A LOT OF PEOPLE ON THE
CONVENTION FLOOR WITH THEIR "BLUE LIVES MATTER" RHETORIC WHO
EITHER REMAINED SILENT OR ACTIVELY FOUGHT AGAINST THE 9/11
FIRST RESPONDERS BILL REAUTHORIZATION. SO I SEE YOU. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> WE'RE LIVE. (LAUGHTER)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> NEVER BEEN ON A TELEVISION
SHOW WITH STAKES BEFORE. SO I SEE YOU. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THOSE
REAL AMERICANS FIGHTING FOR THEIR PLACE AT THE TABLE? OFFER PROBLEM WITH THEM BECAUSE
YOU FEEL LIKE SUBGROUPS OF AMERICANS ARE BEING DIVISIVE. TAKE IT UP WITH THE FOUNDERS. "WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE
SELF-EVIDENT, THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL." RESPECT, LIN-MANUEL. THOSE FIGHTING TO BE INCLUDED IN
THE IDEAL OF EQUALITY ARE NOT BEING DIVISIVE. THOSE FIGHTING TO KEEP THEM OUT
ARE. SO, LUMPY, YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS
HAVE EMBRACED DONALD TRUMP. CLEARLY THE C NEXT TO YOUR NAME
DOESN'T STAND FOR CONSTITUTIONAL CONSERVATIVE, BUT CRAVENLY
CONVENIENT C -- (AIR HORN BLOWING)
>> Stephen: SORRY. JON STEWART, EVERYONE!
amazing. he even got an Arby's joke in
I needed this. I needed this so bad.
Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart friendship is legendary, do more things togetherο»Ώ
Wait, people seriously think Dijon mustard is a "special condiment"?
"I see you, and I see your bullshit"
Fucking. Phenomenal.
Absolutely loved hearing Jon lose it on those supporting Blue Lives Matter for being the same people who wouldn't support the renewal of the Zadroga Act for 9/11 first responders. Here's him visiting Congress attempting to interview some of the Senators. God I miss this man on the Daily Show.
And lo, in our darkest hour, he returned to call out the bullshit.
The facial hair makes the rant even more powerful.
This has probably been the best segment on Colbert's Late Show so far. Not a knock on Colbert, I've watched his show since day 1, but nobody puts as much passion and anger in his rants as Stewart.