Jon Richardson Is Smarter Than All Of You | Best Of Jon Richardson

you have to just let it go but i i like um you know i live in london with two friends one of the major decisions i made in my 20s was i decided that i've lived on my own a long time and the skirting boards are immaculate somehow my soul was still in tatters i can't understand it i lived above some very fetching garages in swindon but something was missing uh so we just moved in with two mates and it's a real struggle now i'm still trying to not let [ __ ] bother me uh because i care about them they're nice people they're happy people their friends i picked because i thought they would rub off on me they're happy nice people the easiest way to describe them is that they are adult males who eat cereal at nighttime i've never seen it done in my life before the first time they did they're skipping from work and go whoa chocolate weetos what the [ __ ] are you doing you can't eat chocolate weetas now you're an adult have some olives and they say oh i don't like olives nobody likes olives that's not the point of the old if you don't eat olives because they're nice they're horrible aren't they you eat them to punish yourself for having survived this long that's the purpose of the olive we give sweet colorful foods to the children and then when we get older we shove whoring pellets of death into our face it's not that it's an acquired taste children are just more honest if you gave an olive to a child it got what the f are you trying to poison me piece of [ __ ] i'm watching you we eat them and we pretend we like them because we've marinated them in so much other [ __ ] you can't taste the olive anymore there's chili and lemon zest and herbs and dog [ __ ] and anything and then when you get older still you squeeze the oil out of the olive so you can dip bread in it mmm the blandest of foods dipped in the slimiest how was your anniversary meal what did your main course i was too full for main course because i had a lot of slimy bread at the beginning but they don't do that they eat um they eat cereals when they get in and you know they're nice people i really i'm trying to make sure that i don't kill them i think i'm going to have to however because of things they do which are clearly wrong now i don't want to say they're clearly wrong because clearly there's no right or wrong way of doing certain things uh are you are you to a a couple yeah a sex sex couple a little bit just a little bit every now and again just while she's asleep um how long have you been together six months six months oh very new hence the excitement yeah go out i watch theater come with me that really disappears after about a year and i thought we could go to i thought we could stay the [ __ ] that's what i thought i could do i work all week don't i um oh good well i mean uh all the best uh i assume you don't you don't live together then after six months and well i mean you don't want to be asked now on a dvd recording do you when that's gonna happen and you look to the side there as if to go i'm so glad we sat a role behind do you two live together how long have you two live together more than six months and how is it living together it's a real tension isn't there there's a lot going on here i really don't have time to get into it because i have to talk about other stuff but we can talk afterwards i'll help you i'm really a giver in terms of relationship advice i advise you to just leave my relationship history is dreadful because i think as soon as it stops being perfect i just want to leave straight away you know initially like six months it's still you wake up in the morning like oh how did you sleep not much because i was watching you because i love you let's have sex again yeah brilliant great idea just look to the side it's amazing that but then that bit ends and you have to deal with i just can't do that i think you should leave as soon as it's not perfect so as soon as you wake up and they go did you sleep no not very well fine you don't whatever because then yeah and it's not like that it's just you have to take it day to day but here's how how do you split your chores in your house you're just not even answering the question that's how little you do in the house i just don't do the questions all the hoovering you answer this you're telling you do everything because it makes me look bad do you do most of the stuff you get their kids to do it oh well it's cheaper than a slave isn't it do they do everything some they clearly do it badly though their children would you not rather just do it that seems like a nightmare to me to have a child do something and then have to have that debate whether to tell them they've got it wrong and crush their soul or be grateful and deal with the fact they haven't really done it they're the right eye for skirting boards [Music] yeah your clothes [Music] you applaud the audience when i've been busting my [ __ ] balls how's the gig yeah he was all right we was [ __ ] brilliant where was we've done a few jokes yeah really good i think we'll go on tour next year actually as an audience charge comedians to sit on a stage and watch us because we [ __ ] nailed that game well done uh we'll have to keep that in now you prick first dvd and i've relinquished control already the only time i hate like all of us with that just universality is when i watch take me out that's the only other time i just think we've ruined this whatever we add has gone now there's i mean if you've never seen it well done what you've done until now has been correct it's basically to sum it up everything that's gone wrong with society since blind date that's what it is blind date you had nice it was just limited numbers wasn't it of nervous people need to have cilla come out and she got i like everybody and he'd have a little student here [ __ ] himself like that so we're going now there's three girls over there you go girls i know i can smell them never met one before now right she got now the girls are over there behind the screen so you can't judge them on their looks that's key so if you want to get to know about him you've got to ask him a question preferably the kind of question you'd never actually ask a human being in your life never in the history of dating as someone walked up to someone at a bar and gone god i saw you over there and i just had to two martinis please i just had to know i mean if you were a fruit what fruit would you be but it was good enough for blind day he'd ask that question she'd chop round she'd ask the question of the girls like that and he'd have three girls there and they were gradually less nervous that was the fun of it wasn't it they get cheekier right so the first girl's too nervous she's just passed out on the floor second girl's you know perfectly normal girl she go i don't know cherries people like oh they've got a stone in well i don't know give me more time she's going oh there's no time for that number three right and number three is our favorite should go bananas because we can watch your men didn't you right obviously she hasn't said it because it's tea time and your nan's watching you could all enjoy the program together then your nan could watch that and she's got oh very good bananas lots of potassium in bananas i mean you wouldn't ruin it for her would you he wouldn't go oh it's yeah no she means dicks it's nothing to do with vitamin k if you imagine the shape you say oh that's why she said and the reason you wouldn't say that is because obviously knows exactly why she said bananas your nan's just a bit further on than you in terms of her denial of what society has become she's just pretending you know what maybe we're not talking about dicks at tea time because the truth is if he did say that to you and she go oh i know that see we couldn't get bananas in the war you had to use cadets it's just a better time a time of innuendo and play there was no sex on blind date what's that just get to the end and she go do you want to pick one of the girls love it doesn't really matter because we've got you on as a joke and they're all going to be gutted when they see your face and it shapes people it shapes how you feel about dating i grew up with that and i thought that's from you know one day i too will appear from behind a wall and disappoint three women at once i need to have sex we'll just have a game of scrabble somewhere and we'll never see each other again that'd be nice now take me out which is just basically live shagging right you're watching a bit where a man is uh i mean it's such a toxic program it has to be filmed underground right and we know it's filmed on the ground because the man is lowered in from the sky in the lift right and he's some new toxic breed of bellend who when he gets in a lift gets in a lift and hears music and starts [ __ ] dancing to him [Music] i'll tell you what my name's dean and i'm from bradford i know i think if i keep shouting out loud enough i'm gonna get [ __ ] he gets lowered into a pit and there's no screens they just basically goes that one there and then not that one no that one and then they get to the end and they go up these stairs here supposedly is the isle of fernando's but it doesn't exist i've checked just start shagging each other on the stairs right and a producer comes and pushes a button and they slide into a skip and they get wheeled away to make fenders lasagnas still need meat don't defenders you gotta ask where they're getting it from they're sexually desperate that's where i thought would be my destiny that so i'll meet a girl one day i'll be walking past a hotel and they say oh you're here for the uh cleaning convention mr richardson it's just downstairs press the button and i'll hear the music and i think oh [ __ ] touche paddy here we go but more often than not as i say ends in an argument she goes to bed i feel awful i go in the kitchen and get a whiskey and i see the dishwasher's finished and i think right well i'll unload the dishwasher because she made tea and loaded the dishwasher on that occasion not every night i'm not an [ __ ] that's how we operate we used to do what i'm sure a lot of you do if you cohabit one would cook the other one would wash up we knock that on the head quite early doors because i tend to tidy up as a go while i'm cooking and she doesn't that's not a problem is it that's just two people who do things differently she does it her way and i do it right i can't help myself i run a little dish of soapy water at the beginning and i'll pop the the chopping knife just do that at the time and just pop it in soak if you don't want to wash it that's fine pop it in soak pop a bit of water in there got the beans out pop a bit of water in there bit of water in there let's not let's not put it straight back on the ring there let's not put it straight back on the ring with that little teaspoon of bean juice still in it and the residual heat of the ring there just just burning that on like a glaze in a kiln you keep scrubbing it don't come off does it it's just an orange pan now everything's orange sometimes i go in the kitchen i think i'm getting cataracts residual bean juice everywhere just pop it inside same with your baking trays tip your roasties out a little bit of water in there back in the oven shut the door the residual heat of the oven it boils that water it lifts all the grease off you tip that away you've washed the thing already and you can write that down because that's [ __ ] gold that is oh you're very kind but i wish that hadn't been the biggest reception of the evening i really do sometimes i think maybe i'm one of them political comedians and then i see that and i think maybe i'm pru leath on tour it's a lovely tip that and that works for cottage pie lasagna or anything it just slides straight off why should not become sexual i'll do it naked when she's gone to bed i'm not gonna lie to you just get it right off there with the finger it slides right off but you know you just pop it in soap but what that would mean is i'd do a sunday roast sometimes she's going to wash up there's only a spoon and a plate the next day she makes me a sandwich [ __ ] bombs gone off in there she's used everything we own sometimes sometimes i can't even get in the kitchen door i have to go in the garden and climb in the window like that stand on the work top shouting through how have you used a tagine so now the rule is you do everything you get the next night off that's fairest right but what it does mean is empty in the dishwasher it's one of those weird jobs and it's hours after the event so i'll see it's finished i think when i'll open the door pull the drawer out and to be fair she'll often come back down from bed then because she can hear me screaming she'll say what's the matter john is it the spider i say it's not the spider it's the dishwasher she says you're joking i say no get comfortable while we go through it all then we'll go through the litany of crimes that's happened in here because like so many people she seems to believe this is a magic box that cleans anything roughly in its vicinity on the work top in the living room if you love your family you load this with the attention of a psychopath everything has its place i say well it's this bowl that caught my attention first of all this upturned bowl here on the top should now it's not wrong to put a bowl on the top shelf on a light mode on a light load on a light load on a light low malfunctioned a bit there i'm sorry we tend to put the balls down here do you see on the bottom shelf where the rungs are a bit wider now that tips the balls forward you get more purchase underneath to get that filth off but what you've done here is perfectly acceptable on a light load i just noticed you've put this upturned bowl on top of an upturned plate really had to ask how you thought that was ever going to get clean in there you've created a heretically sealed environment here locust there's nowhere for the water to get there's any water in that box little people don't come in the back and lift everything give us hand me this one bloody hell pick it up i said look that's exactly the same as when it went in that one except now it's warm and damp and a day old you see how dangerous that is you couldn't grow mold in a more efficient environment than that we'll put that one there that'll have to be done again let's start a little pile this plate will have to be done again i know the underside is clean that we eat off but this side's filthy and of course when we stack it that's going to touch the eating side of the one underneath isn't it so we'll do that one again now this wine glass on it said oh i'm sorry oh we're both tired unbelievable i think this is a hobby of mine at three o'clock in the morning dear this wine glass on its side that'll have to be done again by hand as per the note i don't know if you'll get in my emails you never reply push the draw down now if you'll come downstairs with me you see we've fallen foul the old two-spoon rule there haven't we that's two spoons in the same it does look like one spoon it does look like one spoon and that's the problem you see they've tessellated together that's why we call it spooning you see they've gone together looks like one lovely clean spoon doesn't it but if i just fan them out look you see it's the front and back of two filthy spoons isn't it state of that all covered in yoghurt and grass you've been to the park again haven't you now this is where i've had to failure um this is your major fault this is uh the bread knife in the in the cutlery tray there now of course it's called a knife i can see why you've put it in there but if you'll come down with me it's not actually a semantic issue it's an issue of height um bread knife too tall to go underneath in here mr bread knife he's too tall there and he stopped the propeller going around there hasn't he what's happened there you've shut the door the propeller has smashed into the bread knife and in fairness spent 108 minutes washing the [ __ ] out of all this [Applause] everything on this axis is absolutely impeccable i can't fault you on that [Applause] sadly it's just all the rest of it has been a complete waste of both i wonder when she left i didn't hear the door [Applause] you

Channel: Jon Richardson

Views: 562,607

Keywords: Jon Richardson, Jon Richardson Stand up, Stand up, stand up comedy, funny magnet, nidiot, old man live, 8 out of 10 cats, 8 out of 10 cats does countdown, does countdown, meet the richardsons, sean lock, jimmy carr, jon richardson 8 out of 10 cats, jon richardson, jon richardson ultimate worryer, russell howard, rob beckett, would i lie to you, 8 out of 10, jimmy carr show, comedy, comedian, comic, worry, worrier, countdown, susie dent, rachel riley

Id: ln7iTCFJ9UY

Length: 16min 20sec (980 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 26 2022