Jon Richardson Disappointing Everyone For Ten Minutes | Best Of Jon Richardson

so i'm happy to be here which is terrible really because i sort of made a name for myself not being happy about anything uh and in the last sort of year or so i've become happier and it's very dangerous it's really bad news because obviously they're happy and i speak to you safe in the knowledge you're not happy or you wouldn't be here would you let's be honest if you were happy you wouldn't have paid for someone else to make you laugh would you you just stayed at home and laughed at your walls and the lamps curtains what a life no you've come out because you're miserable and the only assumption you've made is that i'm more miserable than you are and so you'll leave feeling better about yourselves because i have a shitty life than you do that's why you've come here and i i since i've become happy my worry is that i can tell i'm becoming boring i'm becoming much less interesting even my dreams now are so dull i used to have dreams where spiders fell off ceilings and turned into dogs and bit me and here's a dream i had recently see if you can work out what's going on here i had a dream i went back to a house i used to live in and tidied the loft mysterious subconscious that isn't it what do you do at night time john admin from the past and here's how i know it's not just the dream is boring but i am also boring that was a wet dream and it really shouldn't have been should it really enjoyed it i thought i'd lost those certificates [Applause] that's the noise i've given myself when i ejaculate in a dream you never know do you want noise you make because obviously you're asleep i assume it's different that's not the noise i make when i'm awake if i ejaculate when i'm awake it's more like this but at night i imagine it's something different what i've given myself it's the noise of an elderly jewish american man going to the shops and a bird [ __ ] goes right down his neck that's what that noise is i gotta go get myself some breath for that oh god damn bird [ __ ] down my neck all day thanks it's my favorite noise that one um thanks for uh bearing with this it's been hot is it hot or up or down it's because heat goes up doesn't it yeah just end with some [ __ ] signs there he goes up i don't know if you know that you're welcome i'm quite the messiah i'm not supposed to say this either but i always apologize at the end for people who've hated it uh seen as negative but you just can't escape the fact in a room this big some people in here would have [ __ ] hated that there's nothing i can do about they're generally men uh generally the husbands of women who wanted to come who just got dragged along and they know straight away that's the thing first off that happens and then in the interval there's a chat like he's just [ __ ] moaning he ain't even got any jokes he's just doing what i do on the couch you call me an [ __ ] hate to see this piece of [ __ ] i'll tell you about the recycling bins because i've gotta carry the [ __ ] things out every other wednesday night yoga under me and shoot it as benacol um so i i i don't generally ask for questions or anything because uh i don't believe anyone's thinking what a fascinating guy i wonder i wonder what else he hates or takes too seriously [ __ ] hate ending gigs because then now we'll just have to go and live our lives it's fine for you but i'm still me whoa do what colby call you okay how many haven't got your number um you have just seen that haven't you you know i'll [ __ ] make you miserable oh well thanks for selling yourself [Music] give us a belgium we'll go together be like romeo and juliet but without even a brief window of happiness you'll know i'm still alive you just won't give a [ __ ] i've had a thing recently where i've had enough of talking about you know all the big issues of the world at 30's old enough for me to realize i'm not going to fix them i was like well i'm not going to solve racism i can't even say onion so when i have dinner parties you know at a dinner party you discuss things you like over starters you discuss local issues don't you someone will say something like oh how did you get here oh wait to go the long way around because you're building that bloody morrisons it's really worth it when it's built i love the morrisons but it's pain in the ass and the main course you've got to branch out again haven't you someone got like anyone enough about this morrisons that were you two no i'm not very happy but we've got the mortgage so we're going to have a kid and then pudding you've got to widen out again and usually what happens at dinner party is this point someone will volunteer a big issue with the noise you won't recognize it in isolation but it comes out they'll be swirling a red wine like that so i'm going to go john [Music] you're talking earlier about john terry it just made me wonder do you think it's football's job to solve racism if it's so prevalent in a wider society and i used to be my favorite bit i used to be around yeah we're going to talk about an issue now it's going to be brilliant right now all i think is all right so we're not gonna talk about the meringue are we because i [ __ ] made that that really for me is the only topic of conversation at the end of dinner party now should be uh i've got a question john this is crunchy on the outside but it's chewy in the middle how have you pulled off a little bit of vinegar in with the egg white [Applause] [Music] and that's when i really lost it this country is knackered all that's happened today is the weather has been nice enough that you haven't been driven indoors that's all that's happened and if i'd been outdoors i'd be as pissed as everyone else right i'm no better come down with us john it floats um the problem is i think it's funny enough for me i sort of live here i knew the signs right but somewhere on this train is a nice little spanish family do you know what i mean a nice little spanish family have come to london on their summer holidays and they've been looking forward to this all year they probably booked the tickets at christmas and gave them to the kids as christmas presents your christmas present skill it out your system because it ain't getting any better perfectly serviceable spanish accent that is can't speak spanish can they or you won't better understand i mean you're lucky they speak english around the house i'll get back into character now cause she put me off nachos present oh what is he what is he down this christmas we're going on our holidays to [Music] olympic londontown yeah london 2012 olympic london but we're going there in 2013 because it's cheaper i book us an apartment on the edge of the city every day we wake up and we have some breakfast we get to turn into town we go to buckingham palace we watch a show you can stay up late every night and then we get the last train back to our apartment in the city of london [ __ ] it don't swear good dad and when we get there please don't speak in english because people will laugh in your face it turns out and these are the people who want to leave europe because of senor nigel on this train now this nice little spanish family who came to london because they watched the olympics and all that [ __ ] we put our own oh london yeah we all are matching track suits and we help each other do come now they're seeing the truth they're on this train and they're going to go back to spain aren't they and their friends are going to say hey how was your holiday in london and they're going to go let me tell you something about london yeah did you get the train in london [ __ ] me [Music] don't worry you puke me i'll piss you you have to swim out of the [ __ ] train and then their friends are gonna say jesus why was everybody so drunk was it a festival or something they're gonna go no it was his sunshine they wake up in the morning they say i don't know what that is i better drink until he's gone away not the best mime to have on the dvd that is it [Applause] the gowns settle down around me and this is where the trouble starts it wasn't an ordinary sort of barbers gown it was mostly that sort of black plasticy stuff they used there was a circle of it there a perfect circle cut out of the gown and replaced with a sort of clear plastic sheeting like a little porthole through to my [ __ ] um i prefer not to finish that sentence there's usually a giggle of anticipation but not here apparently what's down there john biscuits my [ __ ] is down there um and my balls i keep them together although less and less as they get older to be honest um my thing's down there and it really sort of you see a windy you can't help but look through it can you it really drew focus to an area i try and keep private you know further than that i don't even like him you know we've never got on um the use i get out of him i really resent having to carry him everywhere it happens so really and yet he's there all [ __ ] year dangling around be a bit like carrying your christmas decorations in a backpack all year you're ready if christmas breaks out in june but it really does it'd be more useful to me if i could take it off and just put it away you know my wife could say to me i think we'll have sex tonight i'll say fantastic i'll get my [ __ ] out where did i put it garage or loft you know i have done sex i don't want to come across as weird you know if you haven't have a go it's lovely it's very nice it's very quick i'll warn you of that if you're gonna do it be ready because it's over as soon as it started but it's still worth i just don't do it a lot because there's all the stuff to do with their bills tidy and that sort of stuff life gets in the way doesn't it like the cinema you know every time you go to the cinema you have the same conversation don't you go this is bloody brilliant we should well every wednesday now we'll come to this and your dex wednesday comes you just don't do because you're doing other stuff and then another wednesday and before you know it you go back you go when did this last happen i don't know dark knight rises i think which is a film not what i call my penis slightly arrogant title for him to be honest but um you

Channel: Jon Richardson

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Keywords: Jon Richardson, Jon Richardson Stand up, Stand up, stand up comedy, funny magnet, nidiot, old man live, 8 out of 10 cats, 8 out of 10 cats does countdown, does countdown, meet the richardsons, sean lock, jimmy carr, jon richardson 8 out of 10 cats, jon richardson, jon richardson ultimate worryer, russell howard, rob beckett, would i lie to you, 8 out of 10, comedy, comedian, disappointment blvd, disappointment, disappointing everybody, for ten minutes, jon richardson live

Id: 39Yk8y9jKX4

Length: 11min 43sec (703 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 23 2022