Give it up, Zach is in the house !! No one enters a room like that. That's what I'm talking about. Do I know you? Nah man, I'm just here today for the head gig I beat out 10 other guys for this part I'm the only one who could fit through the neck hole "All right, let's take this from the top and action!" I can't feel my legs!! "CUT!" Ask him if they'll use that Check this out I'm dating the prop lady on your movie, right? Check out what she gave me. You're so lucky! I'm sleeping with the lighting lady and all I got was this. Oh, hey check out the house I bid on. [VINTAGE PORN SOUND] You can see it's spacious, right? And if that gentleman would just move... What a view! - Wait a minute is that--!?
- ...Catalina Island? Yes, it is. WOW!! Okay now, see those two women
making out on the ground? Oh My God!
Is that original tile? "Next time on 'ellen', from the new movie
'CAPTURED', Ellen welcomes Joey Tribbiani" - "Next time on 'ellen'."
- Yeah, yeah All right, I gotta practice my entrance for the ellen show. - You're going on the ellen show?
- Yeah. You wanna come? Oh man!
You are not in the Hollywood loop, are you? Hey, welcome to the show! - Oh boy, here she comes.
- Hey! Everyone knows Ellen and I don't get along. Oh uh Ellen, this is my friend Zach. Bought you a housewarming present. Oh wow! An orange tree. Oh I get it.
It's a symbol of our friendship: It's young but it'll grow strong and bear fruit. Well, I just thought to save you money on juice, but okay. Hey Zach, you know how dudes have a code
about not moving in on another dude's girl? - Oh absolutely.
- Are there any loopholes to that rule? None that I can think of. So there's no way that it'd be okay for me
to move in on a friend's girl, huh? Wait a second!
Are you sleeping with MY WIFE?!? What!?
What wife?? How did you even meet Sun-Yung? Look, I don't care if it was just a Green Card thing. You find yourself another woman!! Whoa! Whoa, Zach !! I am not sleeping with your wife.
I wouldn't do that to you. This was outside for you. This must be the new version of my action figure. Ah, this is gonna be so cool, huh? Oh M... GREAT!! What are you talking about?
The doll is black! Oh, is it...?
I don't really notice that kind of thing. Joey, oh... Something horrible has happened with the doll. Oh, hi Zach.
I didn't notice you there. Something horrible has happened with the doll !! - Bobbie, don't these things go out in like 2 days?
- Yes! You got to fix this. This is terrible. I wish I spoke Korean but I don't think the
people at the factory understood me. Hey, I'll call my wife. {sounding Korean} I guess there's no time for them to switch the dolls around
so I have to choose which one of these I wanna be. - Oh that's easy, you'd definitely rather be black than a girl.
- Yeah, maybe. - Is there something wrong with being a woman?
- No, no... So you'd rather have a sex change operation than look like me? Operation?
I'm just gonna have a smooth bump in the front. Well, whichever you choose, your doll's gonna make
less money than he would as a white man. What are you talking about?
My doll's not gonna have a job Because of people like you! Excuse me, Bobbie Morganstern? - I'm currently looking for representation.
- Oh, that's fantastic! Tell me all about yourself,
I'm dying to get a new client. Hey Zach, Ellen. Nice to meet you. I'm Zach Zach. That's it, just zach? Used to be Miller but there's an actor Zach Miller who's done a lot of crap so I'm trying to distance myself. It's gonna be tough because it was me. Zach. Hey Zach, hey it's Joey... Oh, you're working... Okay I'll be quick.
Listen: I do need you to set me up with Kevin Smith. No problem, I'll set it up for tonight. Bye. Oh when the dude that plays Dr House takes a call, it's fine ...but I get the Stink-Eye. - I cannot believe you're hooking me up with Kevin Smith
- He's gonna love you! - I'm just so excited to meet him
- Me too! What, what? You don't know him? No, but he's good friends with Ben Affleck
and I love Ben Affleck - He's not gonna talk to us
- Of course he's gonna talk to us, we're bringing him back his dog. - We don't have his dog
- I think we have his dog - My friend Joey just returned your dog
- Wow. That is just the least convincing performance
I've ever seen and I've directed Ben Affleck. You steal the director's dog
Return to his home... ...hoping that he'll give you an audition
in his new movie, am I right? I enjoy discovering new talent. I want you two to take your shirts off
start making out with each other What!?! I'm just kidding. Zach, Zach. Oh wait, he said Zach!
What does Zach mean in spanish? Mexico, Baby! I get high on life ...and drinking. Around my 7th drink, it's all
"I love you man" and bear hugs then I black out into what I
like to call "The Mystery Zone". Why don't you two just SHUT UP!! What is wrong with you? Zach and I got married to each other. You did WHAT?!! What do you think grandma will notice first:
that he's a dude or that he's black? You think my family's gonna be happy
I married an actor!? Commencing video request for disillusion of
gay marriage in the country of Mexico Buenos dias El Presidente. Buenos dias El Presidente They are Joseph and Zach Tribbiani. Actually, I've chosen to hyphenate my last name. DID YOU !?!? There you go, belittle me
in front of your friends again... does it make you feel like a big man? Can we talk about this later? When, after you've had 4 drinks
and passed out on the couch? Well maybe I wouldn't drink so much
if I didn't have to come home every day to this! Sometimes when he holds me
it feels like he's not really there What the hell is wrong with you?! Uh, what is your sexual problem with Zach? I don't have one. "Zach satisfies Joey completely." No, don't don't write that!! Now the next thing we need is
"EL BESO FINAL" Mr. El Presidente, please no "el beso final", okay? You're a worldly man... you understand what it's like to get
fall down drunk and marry a dude, right? What's so funny, why are you guys laughing? Oh My God, you're messing with us! - Yes I am
- Not cool Alex, not cool ! Yeah! You tell them, baby. We're done with that ! You really don't remember me? From your sitcom We had a falling out when I had
a line on her sitcom, 10 years ago. Zach from the muffin scene. Wow yes, the muffin scene zach. Oh of course I do.
I'm sorry, yes. And that was the beginning of our feud. You were the worst actor we've ever had on the show. You DO remember me ! Yeah of course I remember you
I was so mad at you that day. "How's that muffin?" That's all you had to say.
37 takes and you couldn't get it right. Do it for me right now, "how's that muffin?" - Hey baby, is that muff--
- Nah, you can't do it still !! That's incredible, try it one more time. - If I was a muffin
- Still can't do it! Not even close, it's incredible. - Ellen, they're ready for you now
- Okay God! - All right. See you later, Zach.
- Okay. So horrible. - Hey!
- Hey Zach! Oh you know Candace, and uh... This is Gloria who you'll be surprised
to find out is not Candace's sister. Why would I think that?
She's so much older than her. All right. Okay, that was really good everyone... If you want your families to think you've gone SENILE. - Excuse me, what is this?
- This is my insulin... I have diabetes. - And do you need this at all times?
- Yes. THEN, GET OFF MY STAGE !! - What are those?
- [left-handers] I WOULD NOT HAVE MY ACTORS
TAKING DRUGS !! THAT IS HOW WE LOST
BELUSHI ! Zach, Zach !! "Oh God." - Will you calm down?
- Did you see they're blocking? Did you hear them sing?
They're awful ! These are nice old people, they probably have like
...six months to live and - - Oh, no, no !!
Not you, you look great. Yeah, you're alright. I mean look at Lenny,
she's a much better lead. She's a better singer,
she's a better dancer. Plus, she exudes that raw sexuality
that makes me wish she was 20 years younger ...and that I was 20 years older ...and that she was into younger men. Zach, Zach, look... I appreciate your commitment
to this production, okay? But Gloria is still the lead in this play. Not in a play that I'm directing! We were fake married in Mexico.
That should mean something. Then I guess you're not directing!
- Then I guess, I'm leaving! Well, then I guess I'm not
giving you a ride home. And I hope the 147 bus goes down Wilshire. I believe it does. It's sad really, cause it kind of
killed both of our careers. - Denver omelette, Mr. Tribbiani.
- Zach ! - What what the hell are you doing here?
- I said I was friends with the star... ...and they gave me a job.
I'm working in craft services. Hey look, I'm starting out small
but who knows where it may lead. You ate half of this. Yeah.
Did you a favor, this tastes horrible. Hey, I'm Zach.
I'm handling craft services. Hey listen, whatever you do :
stay away from the roast beef. - Oh, is it bad ?
- No, I like it. Hey, Zach. Hey, we're wearing the same-- Did I get fired already ?! - Joey, I'm Chuck. I'm your stunt man.
- Oooh... We got that big fight scene coming up later,
do you mind if I see how you take a punch ? - Yeah, sure.
- All right. Hey, wait-wait-wait-wait !
I know what would be better. If he saw how you would take a punch,
that way he can learn how to react like you. That's a great idea ! All right. Hit me, Chuck. - Lay one in there, yep.
- Okay. [SHOUTS OF PAIN] Oh, you broke my tummy. - What can I do for you?
- Oh, no. Nothing. - Well, let's have a drink.
- Hey, that's nice. But really I can't. The Star of the movie buys you a bottle of scotch,
maybe have a drink with him. I don't know why I ever quit drinking. Uh, what ? 15 long years... I've missed you. Come on, Chuck.
You got to come down ! And this will show my ex-wife
that I'm not a loser. Man! We gotta do something. Oui !!!
[GROUND CRASHING NOISE] Movie sets are so weird. In TV, I'd always hang
with the crew guys. That was my favorite part of the job ! Hey you know what, I'm a crew guy
so maybe I'll put in a good word for you. That'd be great, yeah ! Let them know
I'm a regular guy, just like them. Yeah, no problem. Hey! Zach, craft service.
This is my friend, Joey... ...he does not think he's better than you
just because he's The Big Star... ...and you're nothing more than a
bump on a flea's ass around here. You know, I'm getting a feeling there's
something about you they really don't like. Do you know any actors looking for agents ? Hey look, why won't you represent me ? I've been kicking around in this business for years.
I got the goods, I swear ! All right.
Let's see what you can do. 🎵"THERE--"🎶🎶 NO ! Love between friends can be so painful, Michael. That's why I haven't gotten it on with your mom. I'm afraid of who I am and how I feel. But most of all, I'm afraid of walking out of this room
and not feeling the way I feel when I'm with you. Miss Jennifer Grey.
"Dirty Dancing" ! Joey, I need $10,000 or some kids
are gonna die! What? See, I volunteered down at The Rec Center for boys... ...and the building is so run down,
the city's about to condemn it. Come on, man. This could be a chance for you
to touch the lives of some kids in need. Hey, we can even name the place after you. Yeah, okay.
Ooh! We'll call it : "The Joey Tribbiani Center for Touching Young Boys". - No, we won't !!
- No, no, no. I couldn't get Milo to leave school with me. I tried everything. I offered him candy,
I told him his mother was in the hospital... Just when I opened up my jacket and
showing my cool belt buckle, all hell broke loose. Hey-hey, kids!
When I say "Joey", you say "Yeah". Joey! Yeah! Joey! Yeah!
Joey! Yeah! Joey! Yeah! Joey! Yeah! Joey! Yeah! I like that one.
All right, I'm in ! Okay, non-Tribbianis... ...other than today,
best Thanksgiving ever? Go. - This one !
- You're out. Zach? Mine was when I was 11. My father was in the military. He flew all the way from Germany to surprise us. And when he walked through that door... ...the look on my mother's face. Okay, see :
this is why I don't tell you guys stuff. [MUSIC: "Paint it, Black" by The Rolling Stones] 🎵 "I see a red door and I want it painted black" 🎶 🎵 "No colors anymore, I want them to turn black" 🎶 🎵 "I see the girls walk by, dressed in their summer clothes" 🎶 🎵 "I have to turn my head, until my darkness goes" 🎶 "L' ENFER DU DEVOIR" Sir, there's something up ahead... ...and it's coming this way ! It's a giant Hermaphrodite !
