Joe Rogan Experience #1446 - Bert Kreischer

and we're live cheers sir your brother yeah why the world is on fire we might as well get it off I've been Celine I've been clean for seven days no booze no nothing no nothing look good your face looks good I know I can starting to see a direct difference when I quit drinking do you feel trapped by your image so your party image I would never have said yes until this week I've exhaled for the first time in a very big way like where I was like okay no Road I'm not I'm not doing social media I'm doing stories at stuff I'm not trying to put I like when things shut down I kind of shut down with America and I was like yesterday man I sat in a hammock sober for like [ __ ] two hours and just relaxed it is nice to be home for a while it is nice you realize what a beating our lifestyle takes on your body the travel and then if you're boozing to the travel and the boozing together so Wow we should tell everybody what we learned today I'm revising my thinking about this virus because of Michael yo Michael yo caught it Michael yo is healthy as [ __ ] he's he's not he's not any high-risk group like he's not he doesn't have any pre-existing conditions he's in shape and he got it and he got pneumonia too and he said it was a double combination and he thought he was gonna die and he was in the hospital for over a week and four days ago he said he thought he was gonna die that's [ __ ] terrifying cuz Michael yo is healthy he's not some 80 year old man I talked to my friend dr. Peter Tia he's a physician and he swam from momwhat Maui yes he swam all the islands he's a [ __ ] straight-up savage so his take this is my question to him I said this is crazy [ __ ] what is your take on how so many people experience very few symptoms but others get wrecked and he said I still think most people below 55 sail through it I've had two patients get it shitty cold and loss of a sense of smell and taste which we return soon but still a small fraction of these folks get hurt I know a doctor care of a 28 year old fitness instructor on a ventilator in New York City today why he said may be some genetic predisposition we know blood types matters a is the worst o is the best based on antibodies Sam he said I'm all positive he said but I don't think that explains more than some of it maybe [ __ ] like vaping he said still too soon to tell he is a straight up no nonsense no [ __ ] guy and I listen to everything he says so when guys like him are concerned I get concerned and he's concerned he's had a weird disease another thing that he said it's weird that it seems that people who spend more time with this get it worse he's like it's not like you know like like doctors and hospitals with prolonged exposure get it really bad nurses in hospitals with prolonged exposure seem to get it really bad whereas some people get it and they don't get it bad it's weird it's a very very strange disease according to doctors and I think we're still trying to figure this out you know it's just wow it's it's one of those things where everyone's just sort of absorbing the information as it comes in and you got to be open to adjusting your opinions in my opinions were I really was concerned with old people and I was concerned with sick people now after Michael Young I'm like okay this is not that straightforward there might be some some other crazy factors here like for some people yeah like Idris Elba who looks fantastic you know fine but maybe other people are gonna have a real hard time with it like Michael yo Michael he was not sickly guy he's a big robust guy that's a spooky one yeah I mean your podcast with the osterholm chicle it Chicken Little that scared the [ __ ] out [ __ ] sitting in the back of my tour bus and then hear this I'm like ah I've had a few cocktails I had a joint let's go to bed oh cool who's this guy ah the coronavirus I would mind hearing a little bit about that holy first thing I did I told Jamie first thing I did i sat up in bed and I was googled that [ __ ] I was like you a book didn't he [ __ ] that guy like I was guys I was so freaked out in that [ __ ] podcast what's crazy about osterholm is he predicted this [ __ ] literally specifically as to where it was gonna come from he was very insightful you mean [ __ ] that guy in a bad way very insightful dude and it was a great podcast but man it's I'll tell you right now Joe you said you said so guys that are overweight to drink a lot this smoke I was talking to you you know that right by the way I thought you were I'm talking to you I didn't want to say it but I was like piecing together at all my good friends who's my one for him takes care of himself the worst it's you it's me it's you I quit cigars weed beautiful booze I'm gonna drink now but they're still okay man like if you stopped this bus now and got healthy and just drank water only water for a month you know you could pull this [ __ ] together I'm poorly your health relatively speaking compared to the [ __ ] savagery you do your physique to your body to to your form to your being by just downing booze constantly you're great like most people would be really [ __ ] up if they were in your position that's we were all um we were marveling when you ran that marathon release its [ __ ] parties so hard and he just ran a marathon like it's crazy you're a very like I hate to use the same morning but it's the right word robust you're a robust guy and the reason why you're able to endure all this booze is because you're robust but if you didn't do the booze man you'd probably a stud because whatever the [ __ ] is keeping you going with all this booze imagine what kind of me you're like pouring sugar water into a [ __ ] 68 Charger pinch up clean that [ __ ] up replace the heads that Hemi will purr you know like you you must be you have to have great genes there's no other way I mean how old you now 47 yeah you're 47 and relatively speaking compared to the [ __ ] savagery you do booze and I posed with you it's it's it's a rough go now it's like smoking with Joey Diaz or would be real from Cypress Hill just stop you're not in their league you don't roll with Hicks and Gracie and expect to tap them I don't know you don't smoke we would be real I didn't I didn't see I never I never see that and then I took Norman Don to Europe with me mark Norman mm-hmm and Mark Norman's a Boozer yeah a man two days in the tapped out we got him addicted ambien he was he is the funniest [ __ ] human being I really love him he's a real comic man I cherish guys like him him Andrew Schultz attention to these young guys coming up or everything to me Chris coming up to do you are you you know Krista Stefano I do not know him what I know of him he makes funny giggles fine walk very funny guy there's a good crop a good crop of real comics who honor this thing that we do is it's a weird thing we do you know it's like what we're doing is a very strange game of saying funny silly [ __ ] and then trying to make each other laugh and then but understanding what we're doing and don't say oh you really mean that or oh you know you can't joke about this like no those guys will do that because we know the game the game is to be funny that's the sister game be funny and you sometimes you say ridiculous [ __ ] to be funny sometimes it works sometimes it falls apart but sometimes it blows up in your face and sometimes it knocks it out of the park and so you got to take those risks and you throw in every now and then it's the people that are in this thing that understand what we're doing and appreciate that those are the most fun people to hang out with because you never have to think about them getting upset at you for saying something or them taking you literally or seriously or them not even taking you seriously but calling you want to pretend that they're taking you seriously so that they convert you signal which I've seen before but I've never seen from anybody funny no it's never from anybody funny it's always from these kind of half-assed sort of half-cooked versions of a comic yeah it's never been I was telling you know I I got no conversation with Ari about whether what the parameters of a joke were after the whole Kobe Bryant [ __ ] yeah and he said something that made me like [ __ ] stutter step he was like he was like it you can't say it's not a joke he kept arguing you can't say it's not a joke can't say it's not a joke it was a joke bird it was a joke and I was just saying to him you know Tom and I had said that we didn't think it was funny he wouldn't think was a joke and then I and then I wrapped my head around I remember one time I'll I had a dance on fifth grade and they did it on stage right and and they were saying you know just so you know the parents gonna be all his boys may dance with boys girls may dance with girls we just want all the parents to know that we're cool that make sure everyone's cool with that and like a little preamble and I say yeah as long as they're white and and man some parents got so upset like really humor and they were you being serious like Oh guys I'm joking obviously I want a professional comedian I don't wanna dancing with girls wanna dance with boys and and that's what I start laughing no no no no that kind of more mad man it's [ __ ] half this specialist just times I [ __ ] said the worst things to people parents a weird man because some of them are super cool you know and if you get lucky like I know a really nice group of super cool parents of like my kids friends and it's a pleasure yes when we get together it's fun like I enjoy their company our kids enjoy each other's company and we have great times together it's so I feel so fortunate for the friends that I've acquired this way you can find cool people that aren't comics they do exist oh yeah you know you can get lucky the problem is people that take themselves too seriously or people that are under the iron fists of like office politics and office behavior and business behavior those people get they get consumed because they're there every day and when you're there you got a [ __ ] every day you're wearing a tie you got slippery bottoms to your shoes the whole thing's nonsense right yeah and you're you have to speak and behave a certain way and you can't make jokes about anything and sometimes you're working with girls and you're working with guys and everybody's flirting with each other there's all this crazy office politics as people are trying to move up the ladder and why they're trying to move up the ladder they have to make sure they don't say anything that's gonna sabotage their career just trying to be funny or just you know getting a little out of hand at the company Christmas party couple cocktails in you and ruining your career like these people are always on the at they're always suppressed so when they're around someone who's not who just cuts loose like now no you stay in line now no jokes but they but looking at you though they could have thought you were serious oh that's where it's dangerous cuz they might not be able to switch gears well look sometimes people if they knew you were gonna joke around about something they'd be fine but then you say something like dad oh my god is he serious I have to stand up and denounce racism now yeah yeah this those man that's the craziest part about I have it especially I've gone through I'm weren't my daughter oldest daughters in tenth grade my youngest is in eighth and goes formative that K through five those that that's the fun run of being a parent and fun cuz you meet a lot of parents that you don't know yeah and you say [ __ ] and you find out she I remember one time we were to drop off and we found out we got an email about some what people call it and the mom sent it from her work account and it was a [ __ ] porn star and we were like well I'm wearing drop off me a couple dads look at watching a [ __ ] being like take a look at this yeah that's one thing it's tough to switch gears from with a guy or a girl if you're a porn star oh you only want to go legit it's a tough it's a tough road it's two men for whatever reason it's weird it's like if you accidentally did porn but when you clearly like Kim Kardashian it hasn't hurt her at all not if she essentially did porn and everybody's like yeah but there was no studio attached it was really independent she's like she's like the clerks of porn yeah and then this idea that somehow another imagine we got online like what happened how do you get this is a negotiation process like but when you see like a mainstream porn star that's been in like a tons of movies that very rarely do they make a jump and then just do regular move like Traci Lords is a bit of an example of an exception yeah but she ate some stuff she did a John Waters movie yeah she did some stuff Kim Kardashian's porn one even that good how dare you it wasn't you didn't see her tits really you never saw her [ __ ] mmm like it just was like her sucking his dick that's good enough I don't think you should ask for too much more time on she did one movie was better it's like her first set you know like you realized like you got out of the gate too strong you didn't have a good closer she's not like you know it's not a world-class professional I watch Paris Hilton's porn I was like I would [ __ ] her with the herpes allegedly allegedly Wow just catch run a good day right [Laughter] that's what this when you saw [ __ ] Florida all those kids going [ __ ] those are people that would raw dog it with herpes and not tell you about me this is about me this is my vacation I'm in this other group chat and these these comics are like these kids are so stupid how could it be so irresponsible this and that and I just type in all caps they want to [ __ ] they don't care they want to [ __ ] and they're drunk in Mexico like get out of here you know they want to [ __ ] where they're in Florida on spring break a little bit me they're in Cancun or they're in you know there's people in Texas there was this thing about these Texas kids and they were they were piled onto this this area together it's like this I don't know we look like some outdoor party area but they were just stacked in there like sardines and people like holy [ __ ] like yeah yeah you you didn't you didn't raise your kids right even if you did if you they're hanging around with other kids they're fuck-ups they're gonna [ __ ] up we all did that I was involved in a lot of really stupid [ __ ] because I was around some kids that were sketchy when I was a kid you know especially when I lived in Jamaica Plain Jamaica Plain was like this this area that we only lived there for about maybe less than two years it was like a year and a half and it was like an urban section of Boston that since been gentrified apparently apparently is nice now the back then it was sketchy it was like all kinds of like everyone Irish kids Italian kids black kids Puerto Rican kids but no one was getting good parenting everyone's parents smoked people were drunk like their chaos people they were like it was weird there were wild people like the whole block was filled with wild people they were bad people there wasn't like a crime infested dangerous neighborhood who was sketchy and everyone was a mess everyone on my block my next-door neighbor we've talked about this before they were a punk-rock band called death in the shopping mall and they used to play downstairs in the basement and so they have these thick layers of carpet set up in the basement so they had carpet all over the door carpet all of the ceiling many many many many many layers and these guys would [ __ ] could go off and they're playing guitar and [ __ ] screaming and I was I guess I was 11 no 13 yeah I was 13 years old because it was middle it was middle school right before I went to high school I was 13 years old and I was like fascinated because I was just becoming a teenager and living next door to these [ __ ] savages these savages they just were playing crazy [ __ ] loud music and you didn't see punk rock people a lot back then I remember where there was a kid at the bus stop on dale mabry and he had a punk rock haircut every morning gar driving to school head will look at him like he's a mohawk his mom let him have a mohawk well I went from San Francisco to Gainesville Florida which was a college town went to Gainesville yeah I was in Gainesville Florida when I was 11 to 13 you and River Phoenix so we lived there for a little bit and that was like just kind of college people and in the apartments we lived in just regular folks it was nothing crazy you didn't really see too much craziness and father as far as crime or sketchy folks everyone was pretty normal different races different backgrounds but you know just people apartment life you know yeah but the hell we moved to Boston man those kids were wild they'd break into [ __ ] warehouse buildings and they were in this day everyone knew how to steal a car they're like 13 they were all smoking everyone was smoking like I immediately went into this crazy environment of whoa whoa whoa whoa I was like my dog Marshall and like a room full of like rabid German Shepherds I was like hey guys can we talk this out I'm from an apartment complex I'm not used to like semi-urban kids that's an interesting transition as a young child it was rough man it was rough when I was 10 I moved to a neighborhood where was very aggressive Sam same sort of situation yeah we lived in it we lived in a real white-trash neighborhood but my dad kind of sheltered me a little bit and then it moved in with like and there was all boys like they're all like a little older than me and I remember I learned the word [ __ ] real quick the first thing I learned that and how to hold an ice cube in my [ __ ] really important things to have it I remember coming home and being like to my sister a [ __ ] member yeah you can you can certainly get ruined by bad kids and no one knows that more than dads like dad see you hanging around with sketchy kids I get hey I don't like you hanging around with that [ __ ] guy like dad see where that stuff goes cuz sketchy boys commit murder you know I'm saying like a sketchy boys joined gangs sketchy boys robbed cars and kill people drunk driving and set fires to warehouses that's what sketchy boys do sketchy boys can get you locked up like we did a lot of sketchy [ __ ] when I was 13 years old and I remember thinking like wow these guys been doing this their whole life and they're 13 I mean well I just sort of stumbled I just want to be someone's friend you know I might [ __ ] this that that's one I took up fishing I really got into fish the [ __ ] away from these kids I didn't have I didn't have your brain I kind of just picked up with them every time man I did not feel protected when I was young and it's one of the reasons why I value community today when I was young I felt like really disconnected my parents split up and then my mom moved in with my stepdad and he's a great guy and everything like that and we but we moved around a lot so I was never around kids that I knew for any long period of time and I never felt like I was safe because I remember that kids would always start fights like boys have you moved in a new neighborhood boys always want to start fights especially if girls think you're cute girls think you're cute boys want to [ __ ] you up I mean and then when I was 13 I was like I just gotta get the [ __ ] away from these kids and I found this lake that was near me I really got into fishing it was called that Jamaica pond I did you make a plate and they would stock it with trout and there was bass in there all kinds of fish man you can fish there although and I met this whole community of people fish they're mostly like older folks they would fish there and but you learn about fishing I start fished like all the time and all is hot that's you know that speaks a lot to who you are because that's not who I am like was dove in when I remember I remember being like totally anti pot and then my buddy came in is like you want to get high and I was like okay I'm in and we got high on it on Sal's dock well I had friends like that too there was a friend named Victor browse key I'll never forget he was the most criminal out of all of our friends and he was selling weed when we were 13 deal with salad weed at 13 you just call him he had the weed and he was just like a dude that like it seen some [ __ ] like even 13 wasn't mean or anything like that was a nice guy below he just come on like what's up man everything cool you guys cool yeah that [ __ ] confidence I never been that guy that's been cool at a party like you're better off you better off that guy just said doesn't he's gonna Sun is aware does that no one should be confident you're you're a jelly bag made out of [ __ ] human skin covering these brittle bones and there's no roof over your head you're in on a planet and there's no there's no roof to the planet so it's just exposed to the universe and it's a shooting gallery of asteroids out there and the only thing that protects us is the thin layer of gas above our heads you shouldn't be confident exactly how you are you should be exactly how you are you just need better methods of coping than alcohol but the way you are is a good way to be it's not that confident thing is not good yeah it's it's good if you have specific goals like if you want to be a fighter you kind of have to be confident but then like do you know overshot Evans's of course yeah former light heavyweight champion awesome guy he's a totally different human I was crazy I had him on my podcast and now that he's retired like one when he was a fighter like you have to kind of be mean you have to kind of be a specific part your dog he was a Beach dude well I think you think in a rampage you racist no wait I know you shot Evans I know yeah what's the rampage you're right you're right you definitely right I'm so sorry listen I'm racist I'm so sorry they just had a great fight that's why those two are connected because there were both coaches of the Ultimate Fighter in the peak of its popularity yeah and there's one of the most heated exchanges ever is them standing like an inch away from each other saying call me a [ __ ] and I was like you a [ __ ] I remember that and they were going back and forth to each other I'm like oh my god these guys are gonna throw down on TV it was very very tense and Rashad won that fight but I'm like you kind of have to be confident to be that guy back then you know to be a light heavyweight champion to be a guy who knocks out Chuck Liddell with one punch you have to be that but what you're not doing that anymore now we're shots like this real spiritual guy he's a vegan he he does psychedelics and he's really intelligent like really it was a pleasure to sit down and talk to him because you realize you see the metamorphosis the the evolution and maturity as a man he's like a different person now he's abandoned his old his own skin his old skin I should say and become a new person like a very different new person like a really peaceful really friendly really nice guy he was always a great guy but he's like more at ease now I think that's what when you said when you were talking about me backed into a persona of boos and whatnot I don't know if is that as much but like I had a conversation with Ali Wong she said you tore a lot and I said yeah I was in my head I'm yeah it's this weird thing about like I got a I got a work like that when the special came out that was so on an earth thing to not to any press to do no Cup st. Patty's Day do you know I had that huge st. Patty's Day thing planned and store call estate the work show I had all this press like all these marketing ideas and then it just was like hey the world's stopping and it took a couple days of like depression of just like going like man what I'm gonna do about this special I got to promote it I got to get out there and then I think it was perspective where I was walking to the garage one night and I was just you know angst I go I should make a video to Matt let everyone know my specials on Netflix i you know in my head and then I went hold on man there's a lot going on in this world my space will be wash is not the most important thing also I don't think you have to do much I mean I think having a few conversations like this you're looking for [ __ ] to do right yeah yeah they're throttling down the internet that's what they're really worried about they're worried about the infrastructure there they're really worried about the power grid they're really worried about internet like they're already started the throttle Internet because so many people are simultaneously streaming you got to think of how many people are home right now and how many people when you leave them home just watch Netflix we watch I watched especially with my girl at my daughter's last night just imagine oh oh no they saw your bits they saw I do not know the bits before they didn't know it oh I don't want to say anything but the one about her having her period oh yeah yeah yeah yeah I see what ruff was out she was like poor girl blew out her [ __ ] dad the one they reacted to yeah they had me put my dick on the ass shoulder there was a lot of them that there were they were touching go but we what we've just watched it like quickly flip through it and then um and then watch big cats big cat or cat King what is that holy [ __ ] Joe what is it this is talk about faux confidence it's a it's on Netflix and it might be the most amazing show I've ever seen it's about people who own big cats like tigers and but the whole thing is about about petting Cubs cub petting no no so these guys make a living off cobb petting so they bring the Cubs around everyone's car and then what happens is the Cubs grow up and then they end up with big [ __ ] cats right and it is I won't talk to you about it I'll let you watch it and enjoy it with someone who's like once you've seen it there's no reason for me to tell you about it and even if you treat your cat really really well you got them in a cage the cat does not want to be in a [ __ ] cage no [ __ ] they don't want to be in a CodeRed someone ripped off Brenda's arm it is someone ripped off someone's arm Joe you got to watch it it is it's a hundred and eighty-seven cats on us Oklahoma property oh my god I'm gonna save it for when you watch it and then we can rip someone's arm off she went back to work seven days my god no [ __ ] arm so she now she has a stump little stuck oh my god still working with Big Easy that is so crazy you imagine if they just started eating part of you and you're like I still got in a leg I get this part of my foot the one guy found a job off Craigslist feels like I'd never seen anything like this [ __ ] it if you had a job like that people are gonna sign up like no matter what it is oh you've got a job to go out and castrate wolves there's gonna be guys who like I think I can do it well oh by the way we haven't even gotten to the [ __ ] crit this is not even the crazy part when you get into these guys lifestyles this guy married one the first of always get I look gay married one dude and then they brought in another dude they have a throuple that's not the one the crazy ones a guy that lives in South Carolina that's got [ __ ] nine wives who he grooms so this is what like look everyone my special hey big boys on Netflix but [ __ ] watch this show first wow that's strong praise it is Tiger King I'm writing that down I put it on my phone me and the girls me the girls watched hey big boy and we [ __ ] it was funny we giggled we've talked through whatever let the at the end credits I put like all the stuff his from they put Iowa's period party cake I put the I put in the credits I put like her test my dad howling like an owl and and then big cats comes along big king what's a call tiger king tiger king that it and with in 15 seconds George and I are like alright everyone's up where we found our show it's [ __ ] good it's good there's something about people and giant crazy animals people that want to keep those animals as pets like there's this Russian dude I think who has a polar bear and he swims at the polar bear have you ever seen it no no swimming pool with a polar bear he's like hanging out with a thing cuddling with it I was like what in the [ __ ] are you doing but you don't identify with that a little bit cuz I do I definitely do as a I do but big dogs but I think it's cool you know to watch cuz it's not killing him you know it's like look at it it's hugging him it's kissing him until it's not well I think if you can bears I think are a different animal because if you keep bears really well-fed they don't they're not just predators they're omnivores right so if you keep bears really well-fed they're probably pretty chill and I wonder if bears are like people like I think if you feed people only vegetables I really believe this they probably get less aggressive because I think your body probably doesn't think you need to be chasing things and killing things because you're not eating animal protein so everybody's like oh we could just relax and stroll just pick berries and eat grasses and stuff you know what I think if you did the same thing to a bear maybe if you just gave the bay like apple pies and blueberry cool yeah bro he's so big I would love I mean like here's the problem is I would love one yeah I don't think you're allowed to have one for a real good reason cuz there's a lot of people that should have [ __ ] dogs man you've seen bad dogs and people have bad dogs I there's a lot of you Lucian to have dog special in LA yeah well there's a lot of people that like don't they don't train their dogs Wow and their dogs are like really aggressive and they they jump up on people you know imaginative as a bear that did that just a responsibility look at the length of its neck it's so crazy they have such long necks but the just what it is it's it's you know the the animal that it is it seems ridiculous you should be able to have that in your backyard like that's a polar bear know where that guy lives where's that say oh it's gotta be Ohio one of those cities one guy who shot himself and let all the animals out yeah they talked about that on the [ __ ] thing that's part of the reason that it's illegal to have a [ __ ] big head low I hope this is that guy I'm in Ohio and race I would I like those savannah cats kind Anthony ku Mia has bangles Yassir Vols yeah like those isn't that what they're called serve all cats yeah those are apparently never really tame they never really tame our dogs though well there's I think maybe was John Jones I think John Jones has a couple of them but he was feeding them like it was either John Jones or someone else who had them I know John has some big cat you don't want goes to the Darklands can you out pardon me I just go party with Jon Jones Jon Daly you'd have one episode you'd call me up look I quit I quit my show called Network but yeah so he was feeding it chicken bones I'm not sure if it was Jon or someone else but it's crazy cuz the cat starts making these crazy noises like while he's like giving it whoever the guy was it was giving him the chicken bones while he's giving this cat these bones the cat is getting really angry like really scary like you might just jump on you and bite you like primal [ __ ] yeah they're not a regular like if you give a regular cat a chicken bone they'll be pumped but they're not gonna go yeah crazy cat noises this thing was making I was like what see if you could find serval cat growling while eating like viral and tik-tok death oh okay all the time they feed it every day I've seen I've seen our cat catch rats oh wow thank you usually I mean I put it on Instagram a bunch but little cats rats bring them into the house and then let the rat go which is exactly what I want this cat for and you to watch it on a rat is [ __ ] fascinating its built-in Brooke it's like you can't get that out of that cat's brain ever no built in that's built into the system yeah that's that comes no matter what the cat's life is like if you could have a little bait I had a ragdoll cat and she was just fluffy little ball of fur just just flopped her back and get pet all the time and she was that's all she was interested in until she saw a bird and then it was locked in OH locked in and she'd make these annoying noises yeah I have a bit about it in my act oh wait I think I special I had the whole bit about vegan cats because some lady was mean to me and I went to her page and I looked up hashtag vegan cat I was like holy [ __ ] this is the thing and then I started going down this rabbit hole of people with animals and cats in particular how cats are the they're the strangest animal that we keep as pets and I have two of them I love cats they're sweet my dog my oldest daughter hasn't now mm-hmm it's my middle daughter is allergic but when I'm around them I love them I love them but you got to do weird [ __ ] with them first of all you had to castrate the male's you got to fix them all like my dog Marshall he's not fixed he's fine there's nothing wrong with him he's not gonna get laid he's around me all the time and it does [ __ ] with their energy and it's irresponsible to have dogs or testicles and just have them have a bunch of babies unwanted babies you're right absolutely but the idea that that's the only way it has to be that he said the dog has to either be fixed or you are you're irresponsible in the dogs gonna [ __ ] a lot and make babies no you can be a responsible dog owner and the dog is not fixed and dog is more energy like you police dogs done they were fixed it's four reasons because they're fixed they stopped producing testosterone there's a lot of problems with we got our dog priscilla fixed at a young age two bull mastiff and we found out later that when you get a dog fixed a bull mastiff fixed to young heads up to any ball mastiff owners it can [ __ ] with their joints yeah maturity yes you have to reach physical maturity yeah your potty needs the hormones that it was born with i mean this is the whole idea behind you know like being a young healthy dog and then if you trim the dogs balls you're changing what the dog is and you can do that my point was you can do that with dogs or you cannot do that with dogs like you can have dogs that have their testicles but with cats you have to do it if you have a male cat they're all fixed or they will piss all over your [ __ ] house dude it's nasty i had a male cat that was a feral cat that i've raised and I had to corral him in the bathroom in order to trap him and bring him to the veterinarian to fix him while his corralling him he pissed on the wall he lifted up his tail and pissed all over the walls like dude what the [ __ ] and I had I threw a towel or a bathrobe or something over him and I scooped him up and I fought with this cat fought with him and stuffed him into a laundry basket and took him to get fixed you have to get him fixed man fighting a cat is [ __ ] when you showed you just how weak you are he's so little - he wasn't a big cat and at the time he wasn't even a year old you know because I was getting him fixed so I think you get him fixed like seven eight nine months something like that she was ready to [ __ ] me up man it was hard I saw I had to corral him get him into this [ __ ] launch basket bring him to dr. Craig was my veterinarian in Encino before he passed rest in peace he was a great guy and then when I was bringing him - he's in there are you guys gonna be able to get him out you want me to stay and they're like no I think we're gonna be able to handle it and then afterwards I came by to pick up counties like what - feral cat you'll only say yes - Rick getting some kid one time I was like hey can you help me get a cat my cat out of the tree and I was like yeah sure one time and then you fight a cat a tree [ __ ] can't do that cats in a tree man first of all without a ladder you might fall yeah and even with a lot of you might fall they might jump on you and bite you and you might freak out and spaz like a cat is freaked out for its life up in a tree and doesn't know how to get down you know they might they might [ __ ] they might cut you sued and they once they hook on to you they hook onto you and they just start [ __ ] trying to gut you yeah my cat that was feral he was a he was a trip I would never have a feral cat again but I had to like a crazy connection with him because he was you know he was a well look a legit wild cat like when I first got him I had to lock myself in a bedroom and hang out with him for a few days just just read books and had a litter box and brought food in there so just me and him hanging out together because he was really little yeah but when I would pet him he'd be fine he would purr like really loud it would be fine but as soon as I put him down he hiss at me and run away and trying to climb up the the the curtains he went crazy so I had a spare bedroom in this house I was living in Encino and I just set the bedroom up I set it up for just me and the cat I'm like all right dude we're gonna get to know each other these are kind of shitty things you do when you're 27 I'm just gonna [ __ ] live with this cat for a while is me in this cat are gonna hang out so just read books for two days locked in this bedroom with this [ __ ] wild cat and he would calm down for a little bit let me purr let me pet him and he would purr and I'd let him go and he'd hissing me and run away this went on for two [ __ ] days and then finally by the end of two days he was pre chill but then in two days like this guy just seems to pet me and give me food you know so I could always come up to him and pet him I could always but no one else could no one none of my friends no one could come over and pet that cat just me I was the only one he had an agreement with he was super cool with other cats like when I brought other cats and like I kept a stay with him for two days then I introduced him to my other cat spaz spaz was the fluff dog cat and then they got along instantly like yeah he was like cats I can trust cats and she's like I don't know any other cat something great it's like trains planes and automobiles one stock candy this other cat that I had from the time when I was like 25 and that cat was a [ __ ] she she didn't like anybody but man she just was a Conti cat always was a Kunti cat she she was just a weird cat some cats are just weird man you know and then my other cat the fluff ball can't she [ __ ] loved everybody everybody that came up were she'd rub on your leg and you pet her and she'd purr everybody loved her you could scoop her up and just start rubbing her belly and she would purr anybody get anybody could pick her up but uh cats that there are their own little thing every one of them's got their own little personality ideas you talk to him about his cats at one point in time I don't know how many he has now but he had eleven cats like a two-bedroom apartment and I was like that is so insane and they all had personalities man they all some of them like he was the only one that could touch and other ones you know ever they were real friendly with everybody cats are uh they're a trip but you have to fix him that was my point is it dogs you could have a dog that has balls and they're great like my dark Marshall he's great like he not aggressive at all and he's three he seems like a [ __ ] cool dog sweetest he's the sweetest but you can't do that with cats you have to fix all of them they'll piss all over your house if you like have you ever seen a male cat that hasn't been fixed it lives like on a farm bro they don't even look the same they're these big heads they're big pitbull heads really yes yes alley cats that are that are not fixed or barnyard cats they're famous for being like vicious vicious animals they're different they look different they have their balls they're thick they have muscles yeah they have thick heads I guess I've only seen female cats and kittens when I think about it like my wife my wife lived on a her grandmother has a bar like a big farm and there's always cats here but I think I'm only seeing the females and the kittens yeah you've probably seen females kittens and fixed males you know see castrated males they're different they don't pee everywhere and they're more chill dude if you see a [ __ ] barnyard cat with with his balls like those are sketchy animals I'm no I don't think I remember that back in the day when you'd be like aa cat sprayed in my car like that was that doesn't happen anymore but back in Florida you just leave your windows down cat sprayed my car one time and I was like [ __ ] - smells like [ __ ] well spray everywhere they spraying your house I would like I would open up my gym bag my cat of pissed in my gym bag oh we had dogs all over [ __ ] I remember one time I was in the car with my girlfriend in college and we had a dog Thelma that pissed all over everything I was with my little sisters in the back and this girl leads four and there's like a brown stain on her back we go hey what's on the back your shirt it goes all right it must have spilled soda on my shirt and my little sister's tan at the time she goes you drink soda over your shoulder she was like huh I think our dog pissed on you sure smelled it you're like yeah she pissed on her [ __ ] shirt Wow dogs will piss in your bed if they're mad you cats will piss on your bed if they're mad yeah yeah they'll piss on like they'll piss on your pillow oh that I've never been I was never a cat person I was always a dog person dog and reptiles I was into reptiles for a long time yeah I'm fascinated by animals I love animals but four companions it's it's hard to be the dog so if you could go through with all the dogs you ever owned right yeah reboot one genetically and get that exact same dog back today can't do Marshall because Marshalls already here I had a mastiff named Johnny Cash I met Johnny Cash first time I met you he's the sweetest dog ever I loved him he's a sweetheart he just it was real sad watching him age because at the end he couldn't walk and I used to have to pick him up and bring him in the house to eat and then I would carry him outside again see if he had to go to the bathroom but he was at a certain point his life he he really could only lie down how old did he get 13 which is very very very or a master was very old for a mastiff but it was really sad seeing him seeing him slip away was a rough you know yeah it's uh it's there it's such a short amount of time it really is 13 years Cilla's nine right now and I mean it feels like yesterday that we got her we've got a new puppy to kind of keep her young yeah his puppy's a con oh really so much energy I was going down on the Li and the other day and the puppy just jumps on the bed we fought in this [ __ ] just starts licking her face I'm okay damn it [ __ ] rude dog doesn't understand it's please don't you can't work out in front of this dogs I got were doing jumping jacks huh oh really yeah I jumped a baby at a joke that when the old set that'll probably be retired now that we're all for what I do instead of for eight weeks at least eight weeks man when I mean I believe it's probably gonna be several months before you know easily could be longer it could be you know maybe they find medication that even though there's not a vaccine there's some hope for a few different kinds of medication one of them is a malaria drug I don't can't pronounce the name off the top my head and there's another one that shows promise as well and they think that it might be possible that people could catch this then you would give them the medication it would wipe it out there's also there was some speculation about Tamiflu but I don't think there's any conclusive evidence that shows that Tamiflu helps it but there is some these anti-malarial medications I think that they think has promised but what concerns me is that it seems to be so different with different people that's what's weird about this it makes it it's like what's scary right now for everybody is the unknown like we're in the unknown like now we've never been in this situation before as a culture we're on lockdown and the whole world scared of a disease not not in our lifetimes I mean not since like the Spanish flu and back then there wasn't as much transportation there wasn't as much distribution of information so people probably weren't as aware as we are now you know of all the various cases all around them all the time because you know we're hearing about cases in Italy and [ __ ] Australia everywhere we're hearing about cases all over the planet I don't think that was the case back during the Spanish flu days I think it was probably harder to understand what was happening right because there you probably only got the newspaper and the radio back then and everybody had a huddle around at a certain time and those are the Masters of information whatever they said that was it but now you get all sorts of conflicting information from doctors man I've read doctors that think it's not and then I've read doctors that were terrified it's like whoa this is nuts and then you know you look at I don't know if you've been paying attention to what these senators did but there's some senators they had a behind-closed-doors meeting about the corona virus and China and what it could meet the United States and you know the various impacts and they went out and sold their stock immediately dude and then they but the same time they were talking about how under control the government had it and how we're prepared and how it's gonna be fine and meanwhile they knew they knew so they had two phases they had a public face that they're given to us to try to keep us calm and then they had a private face which realized that the stock market was going to take a huge loss and so they sold everything and made immense profits based on the information that they found out from these closed-door meetings about the corona virus how are they supposed to is that legal how are they supposed to handle though out of life legally what are they supposed to do confusing I don't know what constitutes insider trading how does that work do you understand how that works like if you have information that can allow you to make money well isn't that like what everyone's trying to do like like what is the point of playing the stock market if you don't know things and if you do know things which you know more because you know the guy was the president he tells you something about something they're gonna do and you're not supposed to trade then because of that information like all right okay you know I'm sure there's a logic to it I'm a [ __ ] don't run it by me but if that's insider trading well what is it what the senators do if they knew that the corona virus is gonna wreck our economy if they knew that it was coming down like a [ __ ] storm of hail that no one could stop if they knew and then they bailed out and made immense profits that seems so shady that seems so shady that they didn't advise people like you're supposed to be a leader right if you're in a position an elected representative you're supposed to be acting in the position of a leader and if your way to lead is tell people one thing but act in a completely different direction tell people everything's gonna be fine but then start selling your stock at a profit and you don't tell other people to do it because you're worried that maybe that information is going to cause some ripple effect and it's going to destroy the economy even before the Korona virus hits just had a panic and fear and people gonna act wrong but you acted in a different way than the way you were talking you acted like this [ __ ] was gonna be real you act like there's gonna be a real problem and then the question is like how much of a problem did they think it was gonna be maybe they dumped their stock they thought it was gonna be a little problem would that be okay well but if they found I was gonna be a huge problem then it's not well that seems weird to me to like I don't know what should the rules be with information in the stock market the stock market is gross like it's the whole thing's gross like what are we basing our economy on this [ __ ] madness this is it's not but it's not the way that the 2000 2009 breakdown was 2008 when the stock market crashed it was based on literal numbers and and investments this is based no no I would actually say that one was more real than this one this is a the stock markets crashed in a way that you're going like it's based on I I mean I I know that it's it's for commercial businesses their loans gonna come up and it's gonna be tough for them but at some point you're like I wish you could just put it all freeze and go hey let's come back in like two months let's start where we were let's make sure everyone's fed like that's but bird this is the ultimate real because if it's supposed to be about confidence and things rising and falling this is like the ultimate expression of that there's no confidence you can't work of course if it doesn't crash here that it's nonsense yeah then what's the point cuz there's times where everything's groovy people are buying like crazy manufacturing is up everything's up everybody's happy consumer satisfaction is up and people are buying like crazy and there's so many industries that are happening and there's so many jobs and unemployment to the lowest rate it's ever been ever in the history of people and then all the sudden it's not anymore or of course it's got a crash so it's gonna crash this is the crash this is the big one this is the big one of our lifetime maybe the biggest one ever because this [ __ ] could go on for a long-ass time this is scary - did you think of all those people just like who are paycheck to paycheck you know with waiting tables or teaching a spin class or whatever it is that's where my brain goes is like how come there's got to be a way to [ __ ] help people mmm yeah that does I mean I that's all I do all day is spend like the other day I hit at McDonald's I was like say there's a way to buy a buncha Happy Meals I could send to a neighborhood you could do that with certain restaurants you could support restaurants one of my favorite restaurants in Vegas gitanos is in Henderson and they used to be in Calabasas we just go to him way back in the day but they're they're doing a lot of takeout and then they're also raising money for their employers which is very nice yeah you know and I think the store's doing something like that we're all gonna donate for the waitstaff you know because the waitstaff is completely [ __ ] out of luck and they were doing you know good business down there and so those folks I'm sure they have bills like serious [ __ ] bills and it's just piling up and there's no business you know I mean they went from having this great place we can go and you can count on X amount of money per week to all sudden gone and no one saw it coming that's never happened ever you can't blame them for not being prepared but you know they're part of our comedy family man we got a we got to take care of them particularly at the store we should set up something for The Improv to and we should also you know just figure out a way to you know like find out who's hurting like who's in trouble look especially in our community a comics that we know that people are too proud look I know but we don't find them though because there's a lot of comics in our community they're like they're going check - check - you know middles middle acts yeah at headliners yeah there's a lot of headliners right particularly first few year headliners with you only makin you know X amount of per week and you know you got to pay your own flight and all that jazz you're getting by but you're not killing it and then you you probably have a [ __ ] apartment that cost two grand a month or more you know I mean New York City those guys the [ __ ] apartments in New York City are ridiculous they're so expensive so think of all those comics in New York City that relied on that system of going club to club and picking up a little bit for people don't know a lot of comedians in New York there's like New York's probably the most condensed comedy club community in the country wouldn't you agree by far yeah how many clubs you think are in the city I say 12 yeah yeah you kind of danger feels never perform there we did it Joey was that was my spot when I lived in New York it's amazing how like a comic can think in another comics level because as soon as you said that my two clubs I thought of Stan of New York and Dangerfield Tom countin those but Dangerfield's is the the weirdest one because that was the one where they filmed those HBO specials with Rodney Dangerfield yeah and it was always empty it was always empty there was never anybody there man except prom season prom season you'd be doing stand-up to like 17 year old kids and it was madness it was madness do you ever hear story bill burr story about getting heckled of Dangerfield now it's my favorite I'm a built all this a number of times and I made him tell it on our podcast my favorite part view memorabilia is younger right there's a little more cleaner a little more like tippier hey guys so Bill's doing his high-energy happy act and it's to a prom cow like prom crowd and a bunch of [ __ ] bridge-and-tunnel Posse and it's not getting anything and then got in this guy in the back goes anything red on stage is a [ __ ] I didn't have one pull out I just went [ __ ] God man yeah that one you gotta be prepared for but yeah I think about I think about it I the number one thing this whole thing is done is made me think how much our waste [ __ ] I waste so much [ __ ] just food fruit yeah like fruit bananas going bad just all Mountain no no I've been eating them yeah like it's it's waste and health man when I heard you tell that podcast and is so glad to know that you were talking to me because I heard it is if you're talking to me I told Bryan Callen I go you ever do a podcast you think just talking to you and he goes all the [ __ ] time I'm never talking to you Bryan Callen never he said no he said he goes one time joven said my name was was and you've been saying this and I've always like kind of written you off about it going like well you know whatever you got to get off that blood pressure medicine yeah the second I heard China's got our medication I got one month above literally thought now what am i doing on blood but what am i doing on blood pressure medicine why don't I just get in shape and get healthy and get in control my weight so I'm not dependent on a pill to come in and then if I don't have it I have a stroke you can do a tube Bert it's not outside of the realm of possibility when you consider how well you're doing while you're boozing as hard as you are yeah I think probably and you always like fire up for sober October the first year I was worried I was like man I don't know how he's gonna do and some people were actually telling me like a man he could die I don't like when guys drink a lot then they stop drinking it's really bad and apparently that's what killed Amy Winehouse they everyone kept telling me that house you killed Amy Winehouse you know did you know that bro it's one thing when you host a podcast and you you have a [ __ ] thousand of them the people won't tell you [ __ ] that you haven't heard before so one of the things that I people love to tell you is about you could die if you stop drinking you can die you told me that and you you said to me when we were leaving you were like you gave me a hug in you you don't have to do this man no I was like I was flipped out I was worried because I was like damn it imagine this is how we killed Bert imagine like trying to get burnt healthy like it turns out to kill him Amy Winehouse style dude I love Amy Winehouse oh she was this dancing I will throw on an album and and listen like rehab or some of her great songs oceania authenticity there's like an authenticity to her voice it's unmistakable like looseness to her voice she was wild herb York I used to love Bjork yeah Bjork is great too man - she's a totally different way like I had a like pause like it's a totally different kya sound but yeah but authentic yeah yeah it's so sexy man like Bjork was so hot and just doing her own thing like electronic music in this time when it wasn't selling here but it was like you here's a song it's so so quiet by björk no oh it's amazing did you ever see Bjork [ __ ] up that yes this person thought they could just get right in her face with a camera just because she's famous like with no permits this is not a great app on you just show up where a person's just at the airport with her kid Yorkers with their kid yeah how do you deal with that I just I most of the time like if someone wants to be interviewing me when at the airport or somewhere where I'm not you know I'm not expecting it it's just not smart so that's not I do this all right the way you have conversations should be your your thoughts that are gonna get viewed by millions of people shouldn't be something that you say when you have your first cup of coffee and maybe you're half on an edible coming off the fly and you're picking up your luggage and you didn't expect to run TMZ and they're like what do you think about the corona virus and you like stop eating bats you [ __ ] but you're you know you're there at [ __ ] LAX at 7:30 in the morning getting your bags yeah if that's that's the problem it's it's just it's not smart and then there was a weird thing that happened during the Roseanne Times and Roseanne was gonna do the podcast for the first time for the second time rather and she had that that crazy controversy and they removed her from a show and the whole deal dude they were showing up at places where we weren't with with cameras they were showing up at the Comedy Store with cameras trying to capture I guess if like oh you got me on camera I gotta talk to you I guess oh yeah like what the news is if you watch like local news it's a bunch of people pointing cameras at stuff and then loosely applying journalistic ethics to see like what they talk about what they don't and what they feed you over the next half-hour and they want to be number one in the ratings because you know like Channel Seven's right now is kicking our ass and I just really feel like we got to get on the scene quicker and it becomes this your your invite this is not necessarily the information there's personalities and jobs are at risk and that there's so many factors that are contributing and like in moving what you listen to and see in a certain direction it's not the news it's a news program it's their interpretation of what they think is the most important stuff to focus on over the next X amount of minutes because life is too [ __ ] nuts yeah we have access to the whole world you can't you're gonna break the whole world down in 60 minutes it's an editing show right because you can't show everything there's millions of things that are fascinating that are going on right now positive and negative so they have balance it out you know what are they gonna do a Calabasas woman not the hard way you can't woo the show up puppy peeing on her now let's get back to murder and death and [ __ ] thievery I said to someone I said do you think that this Verona virus up coverage is based on the news like saying we're taking back the news that someone was like no man they began their asses handed them handed to them for so long by Trump then this is where they're making their money back and then you wonder like wow like I like Chris Cuomo I like him I actually like him I like I watch him you get upset when he got mad that guy about the Fredo thing I got upset for him I go wish I was there I'll go don't say that don't say that don't say that it's not like then or don't do that I understand this guy's a dick and you're letting no he can't be a dick to you but let's relax it was its provoked though and he was trying to get out of it like you got you know it's like it's like doing jujitsu and you make a terrible mistake and also in you trapped in someone's triangle you just got to tap out and you got to live to fight another day you got caught don't get your neck [ __ ] up and when he was trying to like save ego when the guy called him Fredo that first of all the guy that caught him frayed is a [ __ ] because because there's such a [ __ ] move to do like just just as a passerby they did it to [ __ ] the George Lopez out of Hooters one time like they some guy Lopez who did it someone did it George George Lopez said something like build a wall or something in George and the videotape but they want they want to go viral that's what they want so they call from Fredo and they're videotaping it and they're looking for reaction so they can get views that's a [ __ ] move yeah the Fredo made me giggle it's such a funny say but to say that that's like the n-word african-americans dude nobody owned Fredo stop it was he almost made it more enjoyable I was watching more enjoyable so ridiculous is if you watch Godfather - you wouldn't be able to think of anything but Kris promo when you're watching that scene no I think I call afraid of when he comes on the TV I say it like with it with the frit with a freighter his brother is the Governor of New York they look strikingly alike well the big brothers I'm very impressed with how his brother's responding to this though with the the I you know I understand that there was a certain point time where he wasn't sure whether or not they could really shut down New York but you know now the way he's responding to it that's the way carries himself he's very he's very well-liked he's in no-nonsense person like the way carries himself yeah you know I like and I don't know if I don't know anything about his politics I don't know anything about what he does but you can sort of at least gather from the way someone handles a crisis like how they how they carry themselves you gather whether or not you can trust them if [ __ ] gets crazy and he seems to carry himself very well it's like that's very important for just the morale of the nation in a weird way that's why a leader is very important because when someone's a real leader and even though there's going to be people that hate them people that are pissed at everything they do and that's always going to be the case to be the leader of the free world right but if they can somehow or another shift the way we feel about ourselves shift the way we feel about our community like give you it there's like pep speeches and a really good presidential address a really good one just gets into that feel good spot and brings everybody again and it really has a tangible effect on reality it can really feck reality and that's that's what people don't understand about why people get upset about people not being able to talk well it's a big [ __ ] deal you know I do people like why are you joking on Joe Biden cuz it's a big deal he's in the the biggest [ __ ] sweepstakes on earth who gets to control all the thermonuclear weapons and the entire economy and everything that gets done inside the United States of America one guy ready go like what you got to be able to talk really well you want that job he's just part of the job it's inspiring people it's one of things Obama did better than any of them you know you could say what you want about Clinton he had some good speeches too I think Obama was even better because he was just measured and intelligent and articulate and strong there was something about the way he was talking that was confidence inspiring whether or not he was right or not whether or not he made bad decisions I don't think anybody can do that [ __ ] job I don't I think it's a death sentence I think it is for all of them I think I think they get in there and it's a tornado of [ __ ] of things that they have to control things they have to pay attention to things they're responsible for hundreds of difference of [ __ ] pieces in motion all over the world all these pieces in motion all these pieces and you're supposed to be the one guy that makes the right decisions on all of those and chooses the right people for both pandemics and the economy how about just one do you even understand one yeah and then international relations on top of that holy [ __ ] and then you got to go to North Korea and now we're in China it's too mean it's too many things to juggle bro it's madness that's why reg you know I wonder I wonder if it's where we're going back is to a Reagan like did you see Matthew McConaughey's speech no I did not oh is it good yeah well it's it's Matthew McConaughey right like we all we all bought into him in the mid 90s like this is our our dream UNK he's one of our dream hunks for Sean man he just sits there and he's just for that Texas drawl about red lights and green lights here's a yellow light right now we're going okay and it just and I get out I got I get like I got sat up in bed know it's like I'm gonna [ __ ] work out man like that's this isn't we can do this well I think for the people like you I who you're gonna be okay financially it's not as scary it's a different thing but for the people we're financially it's kind of affect them greatly there has to be like real big decisions made to help those people because this is not it's not a situation of people not wanting to work it's a situation of people not being able to work because of an invisible enemy that kills your loved ones like if there's ever a time where the United States has to come together this is the time and I think I think we're capable of doing that and I think if we do the right thing and we come out on the other side I think we're going to be stronger I think we're gonna be stronger and not in the not dismissing the losses and the the people that are gonna badly miss loved ones I'm not I'm not even trying to diminish that I'm just trying to say for the people that that will survive we're gonna understand what it's like to go through a real adversity together for the first time in a long time as a planet not just as the United States not as Germany not as Japan not as Iraq know the whole thing together because it's everywhere and the whole thing together is a giant problem for everybody that survives and for everybody that survives no matter how bad it gets or how good it gets whether it morphs and changes or whether it doesn't the people that survive we have to learn from this we got to learn we got to learn in every way and we got to learn how and I'm learning I'm learning right now my own personal self like how I'm shifting how I view the world like that everything has to go back to me being able to do shows whenever I want and do stand-up whenever I want and travel wherever I want to go and not worry about killer but everything has to go back to that because that's what I'm used to ya know like just you know history you know how the world works there's countless examples of civilizations that no longer exist and they got wiped out by plague or natural disasters we are well aware of this but yet none of it ever registers and we never think it applies to us we never think that this is it this is the one this is the one we got to really pay attention no [ __ ] you see them kicking all the people off the beach from alibi they said Santa Monica the leg we're close to the beach you [ __ ] vacation people are down there just Sun Tanning and hang them out of my girls wanted to go for a hike yesterday and I went think all the morons that are out hiking the thing is that this required us to act fast and I think the human race is giant and it's so huge the number is so spectacular to get all of us to coordinate together I think it's like an impossibly long battleship think of a battleship it's like a hundred times bigger than a regular battleship just a battleship you think how fast that thing turned it's it's gonna be so slow I never thought about that riding with them speed boat so you can just know it's if you're on a battleship that [ __ ] hard to turn and I think the human race is like it's an impossible to imagine battleship it's like a battleship a hundred thousand times bigger than any other battleship it's so big it takes up like 1/10 of the ocean that's how big this battle and when that [ __ ] has to turn it's like you barely turn bad that's us and I think this thing required us to turn we're an it's like an iceberg there's a giant thing ahead of us something hit us this change in in a virus that jumped to human beings and we have no immunity for it that's what it's like it's like like we our battleship does not turn quick enough for this and we didn't have the proper preparation for something like this because we didn't see it even though we knew it was possible we didn't see it happening to us we made some preparations but I don't know did we ever figure out whether or not the government actually did stop this pandemic office and closed down his pandemic office is that true remember we were trying to look at that the other day digging through that was not fun something was changed I don't know about closing the thing it's an interpretation sort of discussion that like I don't know huh I was trying to dig till I PolitiFact and all sorts of websites that like we got it took too long to find that were a good answer that was worth sharing so like I don't I haven't I don't know what did you think though when you were what did you think when you read it like what were they specifically saying definitely there's different people in place and what I had one of the things I read along the path was that there was like a meeting about possible pandemics with the with a team of people in an office those people are no longer there though there might be people that have replaced them because of how many people have changed over in the administration so the people that are in those places now weren't at the meeting so they don't they never got those like notes basically yeah but that's the same stuff that happened in 9/11 they're like these these were all warned like it's it's interesting to see fine hindsight really in action where you're like I have this for this comedian this very hilarious comedian who doesn't do comedy more a woman named Andy Smith in [ __ ] early February she sent me a text that I figured she had postpartum depression I was like oh she's lost her mind that's too bad she was really funny she had a kid must be going through a divorce and was hey i've been translating these chinese documents this flu is gonna get a lot worse than anyone thinks we need to stay home you need to start spreading the word you have a podcast like me so you thought she was how many weeks goes pulled up right now she just texted me last night she this was february 15th she wrote hey I'm home classes hey it's me again I've been googling translating the [ __ ] out of this virus situation for weeks and stop traveling tell everyone to stop right now I know I know I come off I I can't [ __ ] read on glasses here look at these here boys your yeah try blind I am the same they'll come the [ __ ] off are we really gonna stay until they wait until they tell it to tell us to stay off the streets that's where we are today mmm that will be a little too late right honestly everyone should just call in sick Tuesday what are they gonna do suit up fellas come on over and see if I'm lying is genius really it's probably the most American knee protest thing ever just lazy paid refusal and probably our last chance to legally shift power back to the people who forcibly be dragging us back in SUVs maybe you're already stay in a safe hillside bunker I hope so sorry for the downer rant I'm sending this all the smart people I know four of you because all my dumb [ __ ] friends I've no grasp on strategy or intuition [ __ ] stay home learn to knit learn how to knit a facemask I wish we could all stay home and jump the gun save ourselves and then I wrote on [ __ ] the day my special drop note on [ __ ] March a month later I wrote oh [ __ ] you were right and then she texted me a bunch of medications to get my bottom all stood and by the way not to discount her she was a [ __ ] tits hilarious comedian why did you stop doing stand-up shut a baby she oh she's got a major beef with like Schumer and Nikki Glaser like legit [ __ ] this chick was a little she was up to is rough man she was wrong but I'd fight hard for one last comic standing called Adam hunter a [ __ ] like suck it burn it to the ground just because she just that's who she is she's a [ __ ] man he's a nice guy he's a great guy he's a great guy him and her got onto it on screen Oh No yeah but she's wow she's wild man she stole Jim Jeffries sunglasses like [ __ ] real [ __ ] wild chick but she sent that to me I'm like that much month ago and I just was like oh postpartum she's crazy poor girl they they're saying these senators he's closed-door meetings that they had this closed-door meeting that was in January there's kinda beloit that I follow on Twitter he's the one who sent it to me and he had a series of tweets about it documenting it laying it out and you read it you go oh my god it's like did they really know or it's again it goes back to that thing like what are you supposed to do like are you allowed to just start talking about that this is coming like if you're a senator and you find out about something like what it what are your responsibilities did they give you a mandate and what you're allowed to talk about or not allowed to talk about like if they sit you down and have some crazy meeting where they tell you the sky is falling what are you allowed to say do they tell you when you're allowed to say it like how does that work black Twitter says that this was a distraction because there's a comment hitting us oh Jesus yeah our bus drivers black and he was like you know what just wanna make life suck right before the [ __ ] big one hits how kunti what well Mike you know what now that I'm thinking about it might not have been Peter attea that said that I don't want to tribute this to him just in case I'm wrong that said that people that are around it more often seem to get sicker it might've been some I don't want to look right now but let's just take that away from him but if that is the case that's all that's so it's so different than anything else it's weird with what's weird to me is how some people apparently nothing happens and other people just get rekt like we're talking about the same thing like what is this thing I had h1n1 did you really yeah oh I just figured it out like a couple days ago it was the sickest I've ever been in my [ __ ] life and I was like and I I mean I mark it down as like I thought I was gonna die was that over December one happened a lot in America or was it mostly overseas it happened I was talking to drew my podcast happened around 2009 in December November December is when we had an outbreak in America in America my cousin had it dr. drew is telling me about his experience and I was like that's so [ __ ] crazy and I told him like oh the sickest I've ever been and I recounted it then I go through my Instagram for my my facebook photos and I look that's December 2009 and I go dude I got h1n1 it was I'm telling you when I say I've never felt like that when you don't get off your brute you kind of breathing but you're not getting oxygen to your lungs and my wife didn't get it my wife didn't get it my kids didn't get it my mom didn't get it Wow I was with all of them and then my wife and I got on a plane and I drank and that is what [ __ ] me up I drank and I got into Mexico and I was I mean without a doubt the sixth I've ever been the sickest I mean gasping for breath could not be comfortable throwing up chills it was the worst chest infection I mean I thought it was always written it off - walking pneumonia and then we were talking about it and I was like December 2009 that's exactly what I [ __ ] got it wow that one had a really high fatal ization rate in within 40 to 50 year olds yeah so what's crazy no word fatal ization I made up I was right fatality rate is what I should have said but I was thinking does that you can't even say it that way it's funny it's funny how saying something wrong the wrong way just immediately makes you a [ __ ] [ __ ] you can say like the most interesting and complicated [ __ ] ever but then you said and then like the fatal ization of it all like what what the [ __ ] did you say fatal ization you fraud it's like when you used you ever use a a saying wrong I went I pitched I pissed a movie in Hollywood and I use salt of the earth as if they were dirty people these are the real salt of the earth you know the people you want to stay away from oh no that's the it's isn't it funny but that's this is how easy it is for us we can't understand the wars were fought over salt they literally fought for war for wars they fought wars the killer sea salt yeah for salt salt was so important salt was everything because salt allowed you to preserve food you could take fish and meat and all these different things you can cover them in salt and the salt prevents growth of bacteria so you can keep things even at room temperature far longer covered in salt than you can if they're out exposed to the air for real 100% yeah so the salt of the earth was like a incredibly valuable thing well we really used that wrong that wasn't that long ago man people were having [ __ ] wars over salt this this whole situation is a has forced you to think much more globally and and transcendentally transcendentally but like down those two words go together ever but like like you you look like a double verb you look at that I want my daughters were watching some movie about the Great Depression yesterday and I was like oh that seems kind of real yeah now it does if the world seemed like [ __ ] that'll never happen to us because it would have never happened to us economically as [ __ ] up as the economy is it dips and then it comes back because the same amount of people need the same amount of [ __ ] right so you got to make stuff and it just comes back yeah right same amount of people are willing to work see my people healthy same amount of physical resources required to make that [ __ ] okay let's figure it out how to make this [ __ ] again and then people make the [ __ ] and they sell the [ __ ] and things keep moving this is different this is more more disturbing than anything we've ever seen because it's something that nobody suspected and all the the consequences of a global pandemic nobody ever thought oh no the whole world would have to stay home and no one would ever work no one thought never never in a million no one thought that no one wrote a script about that but then some people have to work right like super market people and healthcare people and firemen other people didn't have to work the only okay so we're just kind of what kind of putting a bandaid on it but it's all going to keep getting out right it's gonna keep getting out if they get it like if they get it in there in contact with people all the time they're gonna be the bridge between people and the disease because not everybody can just stay home and they it's almost like we'd have to go door-to-door with people with [ __ ] hazmat suits on delivering food stay in your house everyone I stay in their house for two weeks like it's gonna get to a point where if it keeps coming back like do they keep instituting stiffer instill measures like it's just started right and already we're we can't have public gatherings more than ten people can't have can't go to a restaurant you can't do a stand-up show you can't go to the movies so all those things are done gyms are closed all these things are closed this has never happened before and everybody just stays home well if what if that doesn't work what do they keep ramping it up you know what if like five months later they realize well what we've done is instead of like letting this disease blow through everybody it's gonna blow through quickly now it's like slowly trickled into everybody it's gonna affect still affects the same amount of people still infects the same amount of people that mean they don't know whether or not that could possibly happen they're hoping that it wouldn't but it could flare up again that was that's another piece of concern they're worried it could flare up again that's one of the things that's crazy is yeah uncertainty yes exactly that's the number one thing because we all want to pretend that all this [ __ ] makes sense even though we're temporary life forms [ __ ] started even though even though the star that powers the solar system itself has a finite lifespan and things have changed so much even though all those things exist we still want to pretend that the world is going to be the way it is right now forever I think this is not good for us and that people are gonna die and people are gonna get sick but it might be the survivors of it might experience a shift in the understanding of what it is to be alive what it is to be a person what this life is this life is not it's not about fame or money or or getting your point to be the one that gets accepted by everybody or you know arguing with the left or arguing with the right it's not that it's life is people hanging out with each other and stayin alive that's what it is have you interacted with people like we were out putting the fence up in our front yard some people walk down the street it's kind of cool they're waving to each other yeah people are saying hi people are appreciating each other a little bit more you're scared guy said to me the other day goes hey man how you doing I said goodness how you guys holding up I didn't even even know the guy I said good eye how about you guys really cool I went to like a [ __ ] insane toothache in the middle of a night the other night right I had to go to Rite Aid and it was open and I was so grateful you know you take it for granted let's go to Rite Aid and I started driving there and I go they're probably not open like we're in the shutdown yeah I pull up and they're open for young ladies sitting there with gloves on in a mask I buy some amber saw and I go I was like I never said this I go hey thank you like thank you for being awake in the middle of a pandemic yeah I'm working here so that just a toothache like a [ __ ] toothache people risking their health that's I hope that we still feel this when when things start to clear up and I'm an I'm optimistic I really do think we're gonna [ __ ] flatten this curve and things are gonna go back to normal and everyone's gonna be safe but I hope that people are still that way I hope it ways with young kids it ways with me because I'm a little older and I feel like I'm I'm allowing myself to change in a grateful way of like seeing things and noticing things that maybe I didn't notice because I lived in Florida I lived in different places I hope it happens with kids I hope kids my kids put their phones down and want to interact and want to you know do and be like I had a month on my [ __ ] two months on my phone I'm out I want to I want to go ride a bike or something you know yeah well there's levels that this can drop this is one level one level is stay at home you know another level to this could drop is if the grid goes down you know there's things things that we rely on that we don't even we don't even think twice about hitting that light switch and knowing that that juice would be powering all these lights and then my refrigerators gonna stay on and then you know I'm gonna keep being able to charge my Tesla every night you assume all that but there's no guarantee there's no guarantee that this fragile system is gonna stay in place particularly if something bad happens like solar flare like one solar flare could wipe out our whole grid one big one can wipe out you know I mean one asteroid impact one you know one crazy supervolcano eruption wipe out everything all of it and then those things are real they happen all the time there there are a hundred percent real there are hundreds entry land we've documented the history of them and in the planet Earth [ __ ] thousands we just don't live that long man we don't live that long so we forgot we forgot that all this [ __ ] happened and we thought that because you know from my my life from 67 to 2002 there was nothing nothing like this the things like this don't happen that's amazing it's amazing how many people have called me about guns I do a bit about guns in this new special and everyone's like hey man get me your gun guy Texas get yourself a ranch thank God we trained with what's-his-name yeah tarantara tarantara oh man I know how to use my gun I feel very confident with my gun yeah it certainly helps you get some training in eep eep that's a it's gonna be a big issue with people shooting people accidentally what people that don't have good firearm safety and they haven't been instructed correctly and they just caught shoot guns oh yeah I don't know what the rules are today in terms of being able to buy a gun when I first bought a gun there was no rules you just if you weren't a criminal you could just get a gun when was this when I first came here 94 oh really yeah the rules now are it's a 12 day waiting period and you have to take a test test it's pretty easy you take a test you buy the gun and then they have to wait indefinitely had a waiting period don't get me wrong back then but what I'm saying is there was no instruction no no there's no instruction yeah that's what I mean like there was no you did you didn't have to show your proficiency or didn't have to definitely show that you know you know where the safety is and you know remove a magazine you didn't have to show anything I didn't even he gave me some play bullets like they're red he was like mess around with those you know get comfortable with your gun and I and they didn't work so I never figured out I just literally had a gun I didn't even load it I was like I don't have a gun I don't know what to do with it and then Taryn taught me everything hmm and so that's what the only reason I know how to do anything with my gun but I bought two guns didn't know how to [ __ ] I had a bullet this is a joke in my special but it's true I put a bullet in the shotgun and I thought I got the one that goes but I did in and I didn't know how to get out I was like I called my buddy coward I go how do I get a bullet out of a gun here's like this cow head live in Florida yeah yeah yeah dude cowards talk to the gills I would call Anthony ku Mia first and full you have another one yeah okay take one more one more we're not getting crazy we're having two drinks like gentleman over a short period of time yeah what is it an hour and 36 minutes into the podcast perfect we halfway spaced it yes perfect I feel perfect right now yeah no worries I don't want to send you off the off to him the wagon you know man I I had a like the little weird epiphany about like I want to be with my kids right now you know like hanging with them that's what I'm hoping is good it's gonna come out of this right for all of us I hope so man Cheers Joe thank you for doing this man pleasure I know I'm just swamped you are I love it I Love You Man mmm that's a good whiskey that Buffalo Trace yeah I just love the fact that this company started out during the pioneer days this is a company from the 1700s that's ridiculous Jesus from the 1700s one company it's gotta be one of the oldest companies in the country what's the oldest come how was I mean I think that [ __ ] was around like like right when the United States is being formed we got Levi's or no that Levi's were the 1840s right I don't know they were canvas right they used to make them out of canvas they made them out of old tents well I think yeah I think the canvas that they had back then was probably made out of - is probably hemp that's why it's so durable that's what they used for clothes forever apparently I've I've had a hemp shirt what's kind of wack I always felt your hippie when I was wearing it sliding doors sliding doors I'd like to see that transition and Joe were you smoke weed but don't love jujitsu and you get into like an oxygen bar I had a I still have a hemp key from dot Seuss ara it's [ __ ] great yeah hemp is it's uh it's a weird fabric it's it's really really durable like it's my hemp Keys never ripped look hot no man the stitching might go eventually but man cotton jeez after a few years they give out you know all these dudes trying to kill you they're yanking on you and [ __ ] they rip they rip at the armpits they get bleached a bunch of times to get a little weaker they start ripping that half [ __ ] that thing doesn't rip at all it's an alien planet hey what's the name of that plant what's the name of that dude you had the best [ __ ] this is nine years ago you talked about a guy who did a kettlebell workout and I had it on my computer and I have and I'm Keith Webber is that it was like a [ __ ] 20 minute kettlebell cardio workout oh oh my god incredible it was like heart attack oh yeah yeah it's and you could do with a 35-pound kettlebell you hold on to the 35 pound kettlebell with this thing and doing [ __ ] dude I'll throw that around a 10 minutes in I'm ready to die that's the one I've been looking for that come true I won't let weightlifting is my thing right now like I want to I want to put mass on because I don't want my bones to fall apart mmm so all I do is run all I do is run in spin class that's it but I wanted to I want to do I want to put weight on like one of the lift weights that's a good move I like the way you're saying it - you don't want your bones to fall apart yeah that's people need to take that if there was a supplement that you could take that would actually increase your bone density you're not popular supplement would be something that would be so popular everybody would want to take some that actually increases your bone density and it makes you less vulnerable to breaking your leg if you fall down that's when [ __ ] goes sideways is when sixty-five and you break a hip you break your femur that's a game changer a broken bone yeah you want to maintain muscle mass and the best way to do that is by picking up heavy things well during this isolation period though one of the things you can do especially because we're assuming this is only gonna last like a month or two we're hoping one of the things you can do is you could do a lot of [ __ ] calisthenics you know you can do all kinds like you can do significant numbers of push-ups and bodyweight squats and if you have a chin-up bar just a chin-up bar that you fit inside the doorway it's perfect just get one of those get one off of Amazon get the kind that you screw into the wall so it can't fall off on you you don't want to die if you get silly and try to do flips back and forth you fall on your face there's no hospitals okay just get a regular chin up bar just a chin-up bar push-ups sit-ups doing like like a bunch of different bodyweight exercises like pistols and you know like one one-legged squats and different yoga routines you could get shredded you know the Herschel Walker story that he actually got jacked from doing push-ups and sit-ups and stuff in between commercials of shows you would watch no yes dude that's my brain that's my grain I love I love nothing more than a punishment challenge like a punitive like we were doing that one the road I was like because Marky Mark and dr. Wahlberg dr. oz did their push-ups I made a joke video going there's a [ __ ] push-ups yeah we're [ __ ] push-ups dude I did [ __ ] 60 of them but why did they do that Marky Mark is a stud push-ups were better than dr. Oz's he gets mad if we call Marky Mark definitely I got nothing but respect for him I got another burger that guy he's on the great actor he's on a campaign right now like he's nothing but in my newsfeed about what about just I don't know clear like a PR campaign I don't know what he's I don't know what he's well it's probably all about him you know promoting a movie or something like that Spenser for hire very [ __ ] inspirational guy dude his Boogie Nights is one of the best nights [ __ ] ever what does that movies ever he's got a lot of great movies he'll illegally a lot of great movies but like as a human being like when you look at like his dedication to fitness it's not bullshitting he really is up at five o'clock in the morning workout like a beast every is the real deal yeah he is like I think if you had pivoted and Justin acting I think you guys have probably similar personalities like very like dedicated I don't know really yeah I never met him he was had a UFC once but I was doing commentary and sometimes in celebrities there I look over try to catch their eye say hi you know I got a hug from Jeremy Renner I was very excited really I never met him he came over giving big hug I was like dude he seems like a really cool guy he's really cool he's really cool but yeah more Mark Wahlberg's pitch push-ups looked legit like kind of like he's a legit stud if you look at his workouts I mean that guy goes after it you don't get built like that I don't care what you're taking you don't get built like that unless you work hard yeah there's no magic pill that's all hard work like whenever someone says oh yeah they're on testosterone replacement this that's wonderful I'm sure that helps it definitely helps but you don't get built like that in unless you're working out hard dr. Oz's push-ups are [ __ ] no more marks looks like tricep push-ups [ __ ] [ __ ] well the right way to do a push-up I'm not being a stickler but legitimately for your own body dr. oz is actually doing it better in that he has his elbows closer to his body and follow me here like your hands in front of you and this and this is a good motion for your shoulders yeah a lot of people think that this is a not a good motion that this elbow out it's a different thing and maybe it might be better to do it the way Mark Wahlberg is where you're not going up all the way oh I'm sorry I got them confused dr. oz is closer to us yes doing it right I got them confused and he lapped him it his Polo's was the mark wahlberg was doing him way better I'm sorry I said it the wrong way I really thought that was Mark Wahlberg in front of us for some reason as dr. Oz says why did I think that this is strong weed obviously the guy with the [ __ ] hat in the gloves is wise Marky Mark - oh my my push-ups on my Instagram I looked at these push-ups I was like dr. oz those aren't real [ __ ] push-ups they're not neither one of them are doing marky-mark do you know that marky-mark can hang the [ __ ] out probably decided they're going for numbers and he can't lose the dr.oz by doing legit push-ups what dr. oz is doing those [ __ ] push-ups it's like a strategy here's the problem with like I love Mark Wahlberg I love him on this podcast but he's he's not he's not on the table the way he would be without cameras oh yeah he's too brand friendly I want it I want the hold he's doing great he's doing a podcast don't do it I'll talk to you off off air yeah I'm sure he's awesome man he really is I was in Boston at Medford in the Chevallier it's a like a smaller or like a thing in there what is it it's a theater it's a it's a feeling you do can do the Wilbur oh the chevaliers it's seats more but it's a it's in Matt friend Medford oh yeah yeah I lived there for a little bit okay yeah so I know you I know you've said of talked about living a Medford and then I got obsessed and bill [ __ ] sucks about this because he just shuts you off you guys dead it's all same talking Boston look look I'm not walking Robert I'm not Southie nanami but like on this different spots emboss I was obsessed I want I want if someone can online do this I want to all the Boston comics all of them even like Dennis Lee it like all of them one with them I want to put on a map and I want you to tell me about that local area because if you do that with Florida is very simple to wrap your head around Jim Breuer grew up like lived in Brooksville at one point if you know Florida you know Brooksville you know who moves to Brooksville right so like I want to don't so tell me [ __ ] it is it is like borderline retiree that's what I want for a neighbor I want a crazy old dude with guns with a hot young wife I think that what's up bro I like how you doing it but I want to know all about Boston and and like all my all my friends I want to know about their neighborhoods where they grew up and how that define them because I hear Boston and I go was Bill you Dane Gary Gulman I've never really lived in Boston Boston I lived in Newton which is a very nice community it's outside of Boston which is a Newton Upper Falls where I lived which is like the blue-collar but even the blue-collar part I went back there just a few years ago it's idyllic it's beautiful really oh yeah it's so nice I lived across the street from the Charles River right across the street from this big-ass Park the Charles River was back there and I could hang around and play in it when I was a kid Newton was a very very almost it was suburban but there was also like elements of rural [ __ ] there was like rivers and forests and stuff that were really close by a lot of woods a lot of trees and woods so where were Matt Damon and Ben Affleck from I don't know I don't remember they were from more of an urban part I mean I like I said I lived in Jamaica Plain first for like a year which is like sketchy but Newton wasn't sketchy at all Newton was nice it was a good place to grow up it was pretty easy I mean there's [ __ ] between kids but there's always bolt everywhere you [ __ ] everywhere you go you're gonna have [ __ ] between kids they're all trying to figure their way through life but like ultimately there's a pretty nice place to live and also man I think there's a [ __ ] giant benefit to growing up where it gets cold in the winter I really do I never had my kids getting screwed getting I think they're I think you're getting screwed if you live in a place where it doesn't get cold why cuz it builds character it also teaches you about weather in nature like there's a reality of the consequences of going out when it's cold you could die out there there's a consequence of driving on the road where you can't see where you're going because the road doesn't exist anymore because there's so much snow yeah that's real that can happen Oh didn't happen to me until I was like 29 30 first time ever drove in snow yeah but there's a but there's a something to be said for a it is cool to be a grown-up and see snow for the first time oh I'm sure it's like probably appreciate it more than I did oh I see snow I get so excited when snows well I had it till I was seven and then I had it again when I was 13 so all those years I lived in California Florida obviously I never saw snow it's awesome know one time when I was in San Francisco I remember I was like wow this is interesting it's like one of my strongest memories from San Francisco it's snowed in a little bit of snow snowed in Tampa in like 1978-1979 yeah I remember it so [ __ ] vividly it shuts [ __ ] down but it also you get pays you back with character you develop character my favorite people almost to a person in terms of like their attitude about things are all East Coast people yeah all my favorite people so many of them are so many of our cold-weather people so many of them I mean it's a few that I'm really close with that are la people that born raised here and it sound like I like them less it's just that the numbers of people that are interesting that I never saying there's less bumps on them when they grew up in LA you're like yeah so you grew up in Santa Monica well I remember Northridge oh I bet you do I was I was hanging out on the top of I had a like when I lived in Newton we lived on this really steep street and there was a part of like above my parents bedroom or you could stand on the roof so you could go out to the back you climb up a ladder you can stand on the roof and me and my friend J Jewett were no I'm sorry was John Jewett Jays brother Jay was my friend too yeah John and I were on the roof and we were cuz Jon's date my sister and we were watching cars slide down this frozen Street and slamming the curbs every car that went down the street was [ __ ] because they didn't know that was it was all black ice the whole street was black guys and we sat on the roof and there was not a goddamn thing we could do wait and how many black guys no not black guys black black guys just watching white people cream and I'm like holy got so much better it got so much better black guys winter weather black ice I'm sorry I probably we've had a lot of weed and pot and alcohol I probably work so much better before watching a bunch of black guys like it's a slam dunk contest like oh my car is just bouncing off the curb and so we called the cops and we told them hey there's all these cars like two cars in a row have come down this hill and they're bouncing off the curbs and so the cops came down the hill and they [ __ ] bounced off the curbs these [ __ ] [ __ ] and we're bounce off these curves like this [ __ ] idiot did you not listen we called you man you got the pho you like call Domino's they came the same way everybody else did and the same thing happening like we know better we know better we're gonna come down like show you home I was how to drive I really believe that growing up like that is good for you I think spending my high school years in Massachusetts was really important it's really important to shovel snow like that was one of the ways we made money like you get pumped when it snowed out because you could charge people so you'd go to this lady's house and you know you knew she couldn't shovel this [ __ ] long ass driveway and you make a negotiation like when I'm looking at it I'll try to figure out like I'm trying to do my math math is always terrible valuable trade yeah like 14 I'm trying to figure out how long it's gonna take to dig up two feet of snow from 40 feet of driveway hmm price point on that some people we're great some people were really generous they even give you a tip you know they pay you like you maybe $100 to do a whole long-ass driveway but bro it would take you all day you know when someone has one of these [ __ ] that goes up to their house and you got a and it's like two feet of snow you gotta do you don't even realize how much work that is dude I would come home wrecked just rat dude we were we were at a year at 7,000 feet in [ __ ] Idaho right and I low on oxygen I'm we've been riding snowmobiles drinking beers all the way up to this yurt and I get there in the whole [ __ ] deck is covered and there's a fire pit I'm so excited as a Florida kid I go I'm gonna shovel the deck and everyone's like hey man you got a [ __ ] heart attack then I go I don't know I'm good I'm good I'm good I've been so excited about shoveling snow my whole life right I've never done it it sucks within I gave it to my buddy John Sayles like oh you got a finish man I can't do this [ __ ] I was like I'm Florida kid man I gotta put on my flip-flops dude do you know how many old ladies hurt themselves trying to shovel their way out of their house every year in cold climates when they don't have someone like a support system like a Sun or some come visit them and help them a lot of guys that I know that East Coast guys that live in the neighborhood of their family or anywhere near their family like it's almost like understood when it snows out you go over to your mother-in-law's house and you dig her out cuz she start that's real [ __ ] man yeah I have to that i think that it's dangerous and it's definitely an added [ __ ] of life where you like you come to california like thank god there's no snow and that's how I was when I first moved here my thank god there's no snow but part of me is like man I learned from that snow I learned a lot of [ __ ] dude that taught me a lot about perseverance because I used to deliver newspaper so I drove every day I drove every [ __ ] day every day 365 days a year I was driving for years because it was the best way to not have a job while you have a job yeah the job was I just had to go somewhere and get the newspapers and then follow the route and throw them out the window but while I'm doing that no one's looking over my shoulder no one's telling me what to do and it's not the worst pay in the world it was pretty good pay Thrifty Nickel I used a little bit of Thrifty Nickel of Tallahassee oh yeah Oh Sean Simmons got me the job he's like hey man it pays good it was like 400 bucks all you had to do was one Thursday but you woke up at the crack of dawn they filled my Jetta front seat back seat and trunk with thrifty nickels and I had to run in Thrifty Nickel that was like uh it was like a Savings magazine like a savings newspaper okay and I was and the movie singles that just come out and so I was listening to the soundtrack of singles movie it was Matt Damon now no Matt Matt Matt who's the good-looking Matt that we grew up with that was in beautiful girls Matt I can't I see him I see how his face Matt Dillon it was nasty little pony boy yeah times I said that my head in an airport car stay gold Ponyboy one more dude and so it was it was a Cameron Crowe movie jingles there it is man that whole soundtrack your Sedgwick Eddie Vedder Matt Dillon that was such and I listed act that whole he's preposterous Lee handsome he's uh he's a dude I saw him in person he's striking we bumped into each other and he did the Matt Dillon hello red guy like that almost has a curse too handsome we were trying to buy coke at the Formosa cafe Shh it's passed [Laughter] he was with the little guy from from from beautiful girls who goes she goes hey guys sambuca and he goes what meg too earlier too late like the little you know the little guy from those movies he was so good no beautiful girls one of the greatest [ __ ] movies ever that him with Chris Cornell who's Jenna's him of Chris Cornell was on his right I think that's she was famous she's someone's daughter or something mmm Bridget Fonda Chris Cornell was one of the biggest bummer suicides was after him it was from xanax right I don't know what it was from I don't know what it was from I mean I think there's a bunch of different Sonny Garcia was willing to [ __ ] me up big big surfer from LA or from Hawaii oh dude that bum me out so bad I'm a bit despite not know he had a surf at all I'm a huge surfing fan and so I was at Sonny Garcia was like the first dude that first you know I remember seeing him and Kristen Fletcher had tattoos like when you were like brother they got tattoos what are their parents that forever God and then but yeah he committed suicide and like Portland or something I seen I remember reading that now I didn't I didn't know about him but I think I remember reading it now um Bourdain was the hardest one for me I wish I'd met him I was one of the ones where I'm like ah you know you always think like I was so smart I wish I gotta talk to him was so smart you know sometimes people think they can get in a bad way then get in a bad way but you could pull out of that bad way sometimes you need to know you need to know that there's uh there's a there's a light at the end you got an I don't know what it was I know it was chemical or emotional I don't know what it was but he had so much to offer this perspective was so unique you're such an interesting guy like a genuine and just you could feel the chaos in him he was a fun guy to discover you know like when you were when you first found him yeah and cuz I think a lot of people found them on their own of their own where they were like do this [ __ ] show No Reservations is awesome dude I would have loved to send you and him it's wrong together because he made me tap out way way camping we went pheasant hunting in Montana and then we went camping hard in the paint so he went hard in the paint and I felt I couldn't find any weed I thought I had weed but I had a vape I had a vape pen so we busted out the vape pen and they're passing around the whiskey man weird barbecued and he keeps going he just he really he kept going he would just keep going he wanted to go he wanted to go to the Netherlands he wanted to past pass into the next dimension he wanted to escape you know he would go hard I would love to so interesting I just really enjoyed his company you know he's just I don't I didn't I never I never knew anyone like him was a very very different guy and I always was like happy that he liked me because I was always that a guy like that could work it's like I come off the wrong way sometimes people you know you think you do yeah we shirtless yeah I know yeah I come off the wrong I come off wholeheartedly the wrong way with intention people go that guy is a [ __ ] idiot I I was telling Jim Norton this this morning when Showtime did my special machine Helen I keep saying Helen that's her name she works at Showtime she made a very very wise tactical decision she said I think you shirtless is a bad idea I said really as she goes I just I just think they'd be lucky we're gonna change a channel and man was she right I had the lowest rated special out of all of them for the whole year the lowest rated special and then when I did when that story went viral it was because my shirt was off that people recognized it and I think I was saying this I think it's the thing we're like when big government puts an entity in front of you like when when Showtime puts out in front of you and you have the remote you go aft that guy like thumbs down but when you discovered on your own online and you go shirtless guy was that the onus is on you so you're more forgiving you listen yeah I think that's the cool thing about podcasts I'm like what we do is that like I remember I remember discovering your podcast aiyla you and Tommy's like must be episode three you and Tommy were doing a podcast I was a baby she saw Tommy buns on the screen and clicked it it was on Twitter good made may be my space but clicked it and it was snowflakes and I came in and I loved was watching you and Tom on my laptop and I and I sat without in my lap and I started watching it and from and I must have been like episode three four maybe even before he started calling the Joe Rogan experience I was [ __ ] hooked and I was a rider die [ __ ] like because I found it but it's but if you put podcast like when these guys saying I'm gonna [ __ ] on but people sign big deals with podcast and then podcast company goes new podcast it's it's like I got to find it when you find it yourself you [ __ ] love it man and I found I found Bourdain sitting in my bed no reservations came on I didn't know what it was at all didn't know anything about Travel Channel other than man versus food and I [ __ ] he did this monologue that I was like - that's what every guy hosting television wants to do his monologues were brilliant it was a great road he wrote yeah he was a great writer as well as he's just just super unique when he got into jujitsu I was so happy yes so happy because I was [ __ ] [ __ ] I was like yeah you're like his knock on well yeah what's his name John Dudley yeah John Dudley is like yeah he gets a call from you and he's like I Roby it's gone up I'll take it what do you need to know about Bo's that a brother with him it was like such an interesting shift because when I'd known him before he was smoking cigarettes and then I met him act no actually I met him after he had stopped smoking cigarettes I knew of him when he was smoking when he was on his television show and then he had his daughter when he has his daughter stopped smoking but I remember reading that he decided to take statins rather than clean up his diet because it was just so important to him to eat well and he did wasn't exercising at the time and he was drinking a lot but it was so important for him I mean for what he does and what he loves to just to be able to eat well just eat the most delicious artistic creations master culinary assassins and so that's what he decided to do and then when he got to he didn't need the high blood pressure medication anymore or that what it was a high cholesterol destroy he didn't need it anymore he was his whole body like transformed he seemed so much more when he was on CNN he seemed so much more grounded and and and I helped yeah but in some ways but to me in some ways not like in some ways I was like watching him age very rapidly physically look how he looked like um and I you know I love this guy to death the towards the end I would see images of him I was like wow he looks he looks like he's it looks like he's struggling like he's his body is aging a lot and it could be just because he's traveling so much and he's drinking so much it could be traveling traveling with drinking is is very different than living at home drinking it's rough it's all rough it's all rough on the body you know and then you know probably all the demons he was battling that he succumbed to in the end anyway you know there's a that's there's something about that but there was something about that [ __ ] look that he had when he was at that place that was like you just wanted to talk to him cuz he knew he had some [ __ ] to say god man what a [ __ ] brilliant mind to my wife was before I started watching my wife red kitchen Confidential's is that his was that his and my wife's like this guy's [ __ ] amazing bird and I was and that's I was in bed with ila and I watched it came on TV yeah he was awesome you've met some [ __ ] fascinating people yeah he was one of the first to ever do the podcast - do you remember us like real guests famous people who came in do you remember when back in the this is like a throwback to you've ever went like re was the most fascinating person or like Brian Redman like remember I talked about the podcast like back in the day when you had that landline that would ring for no reason at all the wall who's the first guess you got on the podcast where you're like shut the [ __ ] up Graham Hancock oh that's right we went and grabbed grande king crab Hancock and I believe it was Graham and Duncan and I and we sat down this was way way way way way early on and I had picked up one of Graham's books I believe it's I always say footprints of the gods but it's really fingerprints of the gods I'm pretty sure and the book was about ancient civilizations and it was all about how there's some there's a massive amount of evidence that points to the possibility that Earth experienced some sort of a cataclysmic disaster somewhere in the neighborhood of 12,000 years ago and that all the stuff that we see in these older civilizations it's really complex and confusing the reason why it happened and there's just like this down period in this up period again afterwards is because a giant percentage of the population was wiped out by an asteroid that they can prove hit and he's been proven more and more and more correct as time went on and for me just as a fan of that subject because like just what we're experiencing now with this pandemic and just with life in general we we'd love to think that things are static and nothing static and there's nothing sadder than someone who doesn't recognize they're not static anymore right there's nothing sadder than a woman who's in her 80s she still puts on too much makeup or you know or a god that's that age is still doing push-ups on the front lawn and flexing for the neighbors good morning miss Mary there's nothing sad about people that don't recognize that things aren't static and he is he's like the guy who sounded the wake-up call in my consciousness look at that what year was that man September 25th 2011 Wow suppose this podcasts been going on ten years now yeah it started in 2010 Duncan has nine and went to December yeah Duncan looks exactly the same but we have these Luther's a flashlight over my left shoulder I was but that was listen man you could only have done the way we did it if you did it that way but meaning that like no one has to be watching no one cared it didn't mean anything dude and we were blasted out of our minds for the first like 80 or 90 episodes maybe even more I was so high during every episode Oh remember we do the volcano shots I remember that big [ __ ] volcano and it would sit right next year and it we just keep smoking the entire time so if you had to sit next to read ban on the right it would just burn the whole time sometimes we'd be in the middle of conversation I'd be like hey we started the podcast dude I remember I remember that time so vividly it was like it was like a shift in the [ __ ] universe's of like yeah I remember going to your house I would say there's my one of my favorite stories the way I met you is the last way you should meet Joe I went up to your house you were at the door already and you were like man I go hey man big fan I got to see the deprivation tank your dog in a pool table then we need to get high and then I'm ready to do this and you were like caught off guard you're like okay you took me back I met John I met Johnny Cash took me down to the deprivation tank we played around a pool went out to that back where the swing set and the chickens ended up being smoked a joint red band showed up change my [ __ ] life you said hey man you got to tell that machine story every time you get on stage if you hadn't done that I don't know what the [ __ ] I'd be doing if you you know that well that's what happened that first night right so I tell the Machine story on to your podcast and you go it's one of the best stories it's one of the stories ever told you go ladies and gentleman you tell on stage I go no you know you gotta start Elemental stage hey everybody and you talk to the you go he is from now on known as the Machine you yelled a machine every one of his shows until you tell make him tell it on stage so I go to Columbus the next week I go do my first show Thursday man like maybe 120 people not to not sold out and they start chanting the Machine and I go hey guys it's not a stage story this dude in the front row death squad ride or die death squad covered head-to-toe goes hey Bert we understand it's not gonna be funny but you got to tell it if you're gonna want it to be good so I told it make at the bar they're like you know we had to fake laugh a couple times but it's a big story cut from that samandtom doing our weight loss challenge right the first time we'd enter weight loss challenge and that machine story went viral that week that week that machine for a week you guys did began the challenge or finish the challenge the weigh-ins when he shaved my beard really the machine story went viral that [ __ ] week I say they go they go you know you you I'm always saying the luckiest dude in the world I think I think I work hard I'm very very very lucky I'm more lucky than anyone in the world right just I stand by luck but man the luckiest I've ever been is making friends with a guy remember you telling me I remember you coming out and saying I was I didn't want to make friends you came out with a [ __ ] we were at the ice house we're doing death squad Chronicles came out with a shot and a beer you say hey good guy oh yeah thanks you're like you know we're all trying to befriend man and I was like no I got it I get it you're like no like like you just gotta let us and I was like no I understand you like no no that means like when we call you call us back and we and you're like no I don't think there's there you go me Joey Ari Tommy we're all trying to be your friend Bert well we have to tell you I want I don't want to throw anybody under the bus so as I explain this I'm gonna be very careful okay the reason why we're saying that because we know you had been friends with a tyrant you shellshocked like Bert you were your real friends we like you [ __ ] screaming little you we actually like you we're gonna bust your balls but we lost everyone bus everyone's balls half the fun that is like a beatin kid Jesus Christ we gotta lighten this crisis yeah yeah I remember you guys call one Saturday you go what are you doing I go I'm on the treadmill and you go nah come over the ice house and I said I'm good and I hung up right and then Tommy called me back and Tommy goes hey man you gotta let us try to be your friend [ __ ] come to the ice house just come the [ __ ] ice house and I went and then I heard you on the get earlier and so I [ __ ] won over the ice house I knew it but you know that's how it is in this [ __ ] weird business like half the fun is finding a group of people that you can enjoy it with it's half the fun it's it's all the fun in my opinion you used to tell me like about how traveling with Joey and Tom and Ari and how much changes the game to dye travel with a group of guys now and it's so much fun yeah if you get like we've been doing push-up challenge is every night you get wasting go [ __ ] it let's go tens of tens Josh Tommy's guy that he has open to powder Josh Potter is [ __ ] hilarious huh he's really funny man hilarious he opened for Tommy I happened to be in Vegas maybe like the last get out of the year I was in Vegas for the UFC and just coincidentally tommy was performing at the Mirage so I came to hang out with him we all went out we had steaks we [ __ ] had a great time on Friday night and then we - to see his show and then we went to see a show that's the first time I ever saw Joshi murdered he's awesome he's really funny from Buffalo we've seen ya you'd run into him every now and then and man Tom's Tom's with Lizzy I gotta say Tom specials probably streaming right now if you're watching this it's streaming on Netflix called ball hog he'll be on the podcast I'm sure this Lamar oh yes tomorrow Tommy's on tomorrow yeah but and what's good for the goose is good for the gander we got a podcast America cave where bears one cave say it so people can understand the severe wound cave you don't have to shove it in there okay okay okay do bears ma okay dude I get I get my brain a wrap I'll get verbage in my head like bats won't work I just runs I'm Mac Lethal is yeah dude you listen to him rap double triple yes yes his his rapping confuses the [ __ ] out of me like I don't even understand how someone's lips can how about Eminem did you hear mmm when he did that mmm challenge you saw Jamie I'm sure cuz me and you were both children but Mac Lethal is probably the fastest I don't know this Eminem challenge I wish you could play it well I heard some mm [ __ ] recently that was really fast too really [ __ ] fast really fast too but I kind of think yeah yeah if I had to put the two of them in a fast rap off I got my money on that lethal fellow 16 or 99 words in 16 seconds yeah 99 words in 16 seconds yeah Wow when you were younger did you ever think like there was a celebrity that would love your comedy like when you were younger and you were like nah man it's one of the weirdest things ever was looking on the audience and seeing famous people but took forever to get used to that like who whose lemons he blocked me on Twitter I really wished I could be the consigliere that brought you two together at this time he was a big hockey fan though yeah he took him to a lot of comedy shows his son think it's a monk and his son brought his whole family on New Year's Eve at the improv one one weekend yeah one one year brother yeah it was weird it's weird I was like Jesus Christ gene Simmons in the [ __ ] audience when I was a kid like I loved kiss they were awesome when I was a kid goddamn man it was like my favorite band the weird Bell cuz people would mock you if you if you loved them I was obsessed you remember the movie they did where they took over the park the park yes though the power went out in the middle of me watched and I cried weed hose it pat Fagin's house almost been seven and I was like I was like oh my god this is the greatest movie ever my parents came in they're like go home I go we're not done we're not done I didn't really cry but I might as well I was [ __ ] powers off my dad my dad would wake me up and he wait for the 7/11 commercials where they were on Slurpees and he cranked it up he goes shout out it shout it shout it out loud go to school first grade every kid that was in to kiss identified with a particular member like my friend Javier was really in a Peter Criss oh my god I was hardcore into Peter Criss yeah I met Peter Criss there were certain dudes that thought they were Paul Stanley certain dudes that like I I was a gene Simmons fan I was in between Peter Criss and Ace Frehley I bought is really a solo album in high school everything that I would be spiritual enough to be tuned in the Ace Frehley because ace field was a spaceman right he was the dude was mellow with the guitar with the crazy guitar he had a really good solo album remember they did the solo albums of the faces on it yeah behind the New York groove yeah I love that song dude they had some amazing life like the branding of kiss like meaning like you remember them in the suits yeah picture them in the suits yeah dressed to kill yeah that was a [ __ ] dude hate that I hate gene Simmons like I wanna love him so bad it's so hard to remember the story but I saw it one day someone sent it to me one of my friend said to me us talking about you hating gene Simmons oh my god I kind of forgot about that a bad interaction with them there it is bad ass in clogs he's wearing clogs there there were different kinds of people back then god I feel like there's no way we would ever be able to understand what life was like being a bunch of dudes who were world famous wearing makeup mocked openly mocked by so many members of the music community whether it's radio stations they wouldn't play they thought they were a joke and you were a fool if you liked their music and then they take their makeup off for a little bit remember that kiss unmasked I remember that it wasn't nobody was into it he's like you want to see what gene Simmons looks like I was like hard pass but they wore everybody out they wore everybody out they stayed in the game I mean they replaced two members Ace Frehley and Peter Criss that kind of rotated in now and eventually they replaced him with new people that played the same characters this is a new dude is the cat dude and a new dude who's a space dude and for a while they tried to do it different like they added a fox one guy was Fox [Music] yeah when Peter Criss was gone they put in some new dude instead of a cat he was like a fox it was a real problem and the the hardcore kiss fans like this is [ __ ] [ __ ] you know as a hardcore kiss fan who Kevin James no Kevin James two nights in a row went to see kiss in LA I think I think it was at the forum during their comeback tour cuz we thought they were never gonna come back again so this is me and Kevin James and man I don't know what year that was but it was in the 90s who's that guy that's the Fox Eric Carr yeah he's a flatcar yeah yeah get the [ __ ] out of here bro nice guy great musician don't get me wrong Kevin James and I could not be more different yeah he's it he's a great guy he's a great guy music Gary you would love I know I know Kevin but I mean if you really knew him like I knew him oh yeah I'm tight with them you know I hooked him up with my manager we we have the same manager we have from the very beginning I'm Kevin for [ __ ] 29 years Gary and I were tight Gary Valentin I was tight with Gary - I love a great guy Gary Valentine one of my favorite stories ever one time we're at the improv and he goes brettski shot I go yeah Gary any crabs he grabs two shots and he hands me one and then he grabs his and he takes this back when the improv had candles and he does a shot of a candle wax Oliver zips goes I took the wrong one okay Gary Valentine is the [ __ ] funniest human being man thank you shot a candle just splashed on his line I can't be good yeah the is interesting what are they what are their pit their real name is not there don't be giving up the real name you [ __ ] [ __ ] I choose Christ Bert Kreischer causing trouble yeah they both got different names but they're brothers and sisters yeah Kevin's a he's an interesting cat he really is yeah very interesting guy very quiet we sat one time in this house when me and Gary and a couple other guys you know I was getting wasted and he was just sitting there looking at me and he was like hey what are you partying for just enjoying it and he goes what I go all your success and he's like huh I said Kevin I would be doing it so different about you he was he was so you I remember he drove like a I want to say a Jeep Cherokee on his third season the king of queens yeah he had like he was very conservative never yeah well he's he's a guy who plays the cards close to his chest you know such a sweet dude he introduced me to guacamole he's not the only reason why I've ever been in any movies well I did some terrible movies that nobody saw before but like the movies that I did once I didn't need to do anything anything anymore anymore in terms of acting was his movies I did two of his music I did a new keeper and I did here comes the boom and the only reason why I did it was cuz I love Kevin he's such a great zoo keeper was fun - it was so ridiculous I had to learn how to dance it's like it took months and months of my time it was really interesting I saw that dance Sebastian milk out some in all fairness some of what you see is not actually me some of it is me but there was this dude who was a professional dancer who was like a stand-in yeah who was amazing he was amazing so the the stuff where it's clearly me I definitely did a lot of the stuff all the stuff with me and leslie bibb we're at a holder and all that stuff that was me a hundred percent but this is so much better than me where you couldn't tell they stuck him in you know and he was like built like me and he would it was perfect it was like nobody could tell because because he was really good like when you see how hard it is to actually dance you go my god like when you see a real professional it's one of the most dismissed things with people oh we dismiss it like oh what a frivolous pursuit and I knew how to dance but if you can really dance it's so impressive when someone has like full control of their body that's what Tom said to me because I'm a better dancer than him dude I did [ __ ] Tom let me tell you something that [ __ ] my daughter's my daughter's my daughter's saw Tom's video and they looked at in there like wait Tom can dance I go you didn't say that when you saw my video and they go you paid someone to teach you how to dance I go so too [ __ ] he you think he did that on his own they go it looks like it I tried to do that Irish dance for the release of the special but you got appreciate the fact that Tom did it in a Steven Seagal out but little carrot don't ever like if you I swear to god if you watch the video of me watching that for the first time it's a love letter it's a man reading a love letter from his boyfriend when Tom's I said I he goes how do you feel I said like privately I go made me feel very honored that you did that he goes because I love you like so like when he put that out I meant so much because I go because I thought I put out my dance video and everyone made fun of it and we watched it we giggled but the fact that it inspired Tom to drop eighty thousand whatever he spent eighty five hundred thousand ten thousand it the fact that he made a reply video made me so [ __ ] excited when I went so deep so Joe was your nice do you realize what he did he made me he told us he goes i sat and did facial recognition for him yeah we talked about it oh he [ __ ] you hard bro bro you have no idea the times I stay up I'm bad going this home getting Tommy I swear to God when the guy had the machine shirt on we sell those it you sell those now and they're [ __ ] going crazy they're all at my show is just muck Sheen it's fun to watch our fans like our fans go back like go back and forth with us and like bust balls with us because that's all all we do yeah but I know it is it's it is fun it's cool that our specials are airing back-to-back cuz I think was look I I want his special I want his special be number one running on Netflix without a doubt but don't worry about it no no no mine will be number two it looks like you ate Joey Diaz poor guy that's a real person Wow gentlemen should take this time to better himself we can all do better I can sometimes people just go off the rails that guy uh it's diet man diet diets everything it's a but I'm not on the carnivore diet during all this craziness because I'm just eating yeah I'm just eating calories because I like the supply chain and the way things are there's no way I can justify only eating meat unless I'm only eating my meat like the elk meat that I eat and how much I got a lot for you done freezer bags for you [ __ ] yes um I like to I love giving it away to man I love when people cook it but other than that it's like I need to eat food like I'm not concentrating on weird diets or it makes sure I I mean I could eat only meat but I'm not even thinking about that right now what I'm thinking about right now is like making sure that I make the right decisions with everything that I do from here out because I think we're in unsung territory or in Neverland how long do you think you can go I don't know I don't know but here's the thing we will this is what I really feel like we all got to do this together like it's not the the problem is even thinking how long can you last as part of the problem is even thinking that well how long can we last how long can all all of us last and I think this is if the power goes out that's when we're really forced to cooperate and I don't want the power to go out I want us to figure it out before that happened I want us to take this plunge into the apocalypse and baby steps here's my question would you host a shitty gameshow know if it may hold on if it meant giving money to people and need a money in this time they go hey Joe we want you to host who wants to be a millionaire but why would I do that that way when I could do it right here I'm just saying I'm just never doing anywhere else no yeah no I don't want a boss you can't do it I can't well nothing you do you could do if someone was looking over your shoulder telling you what to do some corporate guy who just wants to make sure that he can keep paying his mortgage and funding his lifestyle and you know he's got a lot of experience producing television shows just let me handle this stuff and you do your job and I'll do my job Burt we gotta have a talk you drink too much you're getting too fat your belly's out all the time and networks don't like it the next thing you know you're some [ __ ] different day it's well but and and I'm sure you appreciate the gig he got a Travel Channel just like I appreciate the gig I got a fear factor but it's not that it's not a great job it is a great job it's just like everything in life if you have higher expectations of yourself if you want to express yourself in the most accurate way the best at being comfortable in your own skin the only way you can do that is by yourself yeah you can't have some [ __ ] giant bankrolled machine with hundreds of employees all with their job riding on whether or not you say the N word Jesus part hundreds of people in the corporation [ __ ] he's drunk can't rap lyrics you can't you can't say those words do you realize how many times if there was a corporate raising behind bird entertainment they were like [ __ ] are you doing well that's what the irony isn't it the irony is look how successful it is without any of that intervention if you just are yourself if you just are authentic and that's what you are and that's why it works that's why all podcasts work they work precisely because there's not a machine behind them yeah there's not a giant corporation behind them that counts on them then work because they're they're independent that's the only way you get real people that for the [ __ ] thing that you get when you make people behave in this weird way it's not a good thing it's like you're not getting an accurate representation of what it is to be a person you can't count in there they're just lying to you I mean that's why politicians and political speeches are so strange they almost universally act like no one you've ever met yeah when they do in those speeches when they're stand in front of a podium doing that thing with their thumb and and doing their best Barack Obama impression you're literally putting on an act yeah putting on I have no idea who you are you might be a morning DJ from [ __ ] Cincinnati hey here we come coming at you with the hits it's not 13 to 6 here you're up too early people you're the people getting it done all right I mean how many of those guys were interchangeable how many of those guys were interchangeable and they would you could put them in a strip club they could be a strip club DJ they could be a regular DJ top 40 there was a voice now when someone's talking in that voice you have no idea what their real thoughts are you have no idea if you didn't got a clue and that's most of what we got with like the Today Show like if Matt Lauer had a podcast and it turned out that he was a pig I'm great with people people would be like I knew that guy was a pig Billy would be so [ __ ] awesome is helium into it well if he was just who he actually was right like when you're doing a show like that like something like Today Show one of the reasons why people are so angry is because you've been pretending you're this like wholesome character all this time yeah you've been pretending how great would it be if Matt Lauer did his Matt Lauer voice but he was talking about porn he jacked off to his legs anyone seen tentacle porn and back right now from eight o'clock hour it's Matt Lauer going up again wouldn't it be better if you figured out how to not be that guy that you are on TV and just be who you are when the TV's off I don't think he knew who he was ever I think he was the I think what define Matt Lauer was being famous it defined a lot of us getting into this business and then I think a lot of it shifted I think the good ones stuck to what they wanted to go what they wanted to be and I think a lot of people still just want to be famous I think it just it well you know why one of the reasons why is because it's hard to be but it's hard to be famous yeah so when there's a thing that out there that's hard to get like mmm how [ __ ] do I get that you ever seen like some some people their intelect exclusive things yeah you know you know I mean like you only want one like if there's only four these bags in North America I've got to get it ya know girls would get like certain bag shoes guys get shoes yeah yeah yeah Travis Scott oh yeah there's a lot of dudes are into Jordans like specific old school Jordans I'm looking at you well you're in a sneakers your sneaker head right yeah any speaker spins a pandemic I about one pair lasts oh you are a horribly on sale for Conor bucks I get it man I get it I get it I get it in some ways but you were saying people that are into elite things correlating it's at the famous people yeah it's hard to get that bag and it's hard to get famous so when you're not famous it looks like a thing that would be cool to have like oh look look at this [ __ ] walk on that red carpet damn look at those shoes that [ __ ] she paid three hundred thousand dollars for that outfit yeah look at this so that cars got out of that's a million-dollar Bugatti get man if you're driving around town and the [ __ ] 2001 Honda Accord and you see someone step out about bugatti veyron that you know cost a million dollars of holy [ __ ] you know there's certain there's certain things you see that you just get like really jealous of not because you would actually want them but because they're so unattainable yeah and people [ __ ] up with that that's why girl get asses that are too big all right get crazy and they get this bizarre diaper ass with these little skinny legs and the two things don't work together why it's because they they overshot the mark right you painted your house pink slow down okay you had a bad idea and you ran with it I saw some guy who built something on his house that was basically a [ __ ] you to his neighbor he built like a middle finger somehow I was three chimneys he had three trees like this to build like a [ __ ] you to his neighbor that is literally [ __ ] you money I think he got in trouble for it I think the I think maybe he like said something about or something that's you that's to you I wrote that cuz I [ __ ] hate you Johnny Depp has a big gorilla flipping off his neighbor I think a girl like a huge [ __ ] Jew that's like 18 houses but he wives he wanted the last one on the block oh there's someone to buy and the guy wouldn't sell that's right he owns like a whole block here's a whole block spent the night at his house one time okay let's slow down oh dude I have a voicemail from Johnny Depp I haven't deleted I enjoy talking to him man he was [ __ ] [ __ ] awesome I was drunk on margaritas in Hawaii and Stanhope put me on the phone with Johnny Depp and I was like man how weird is my life dude I'm sitting there talking to Johnny Depp while I'm hammered in a lawn chair in Hawaii dude haven't Stanhope called me one night and I let it go to voicemail I regret it so much but I got it on voicemail but Johnny I'm a dog you know me and Tom are working on the script with Johnny are you really good we pitched it on the podcast and I was like and then all the sudden everyone got interested and I was like [ __ ] I'll write it I tell you what I enjoyed talking to him he's a very wise guy he's he's a very when you talk to him he's there you know he's a dude experiencing something that a small fraction of all the humans who have ever lived have been able to experience he's experienced Fame I'm the most preposterous and staggering level imaginable and then he's experienced that it's almost like he owes people something so he's being held to these standards that that none of us would ever want our own lives to be held to and some weird [ __ ] legal battle between who who did who - what - what happened and his recordings and all this chaos like god damn like living this out in the open like this it's all like just it's sad because you look at him in a different way because of that not when you watching the Pirates movies he's brilliant he is something so good in those movies like so good on so many levels that I've seen them all and we just the first week of pandemic we just watched all of them all over yeah Donnie Brasco Donnie Brasco is [ __ ] amazing he's so gloat and blow he's [ __ ] out of this world he's he's one of the best actors we've ever had one of the best American actors that have ever existed for sure Liddell and you and Keith I'm telling you as someone who talks to crazy people all the time and talking to him he's is remarkably put together as you could ever expect a person to be that's as famous as he is he's a really good guy like you talked to me is there he's talking he's just talking to you there's no he's there for you he's talking yes a good guy he's just experiencing something no one is prepared for he's Johnny Depp Johnny Depp he's Johnny Depp Johnny Depp's are there this one [ __ ] is one [ __ ] 1 billion people on this planet he's experiencing some weird [ __ ] you know he's not a bad guy dude Edward Scissorhands she just tell me everything I mean that guy is movies is he done how many movies out let's ballpark it I'm gonna say 50 yeah I think you're right i T liked was that 21 Jumpstreet [Music] pretty cougar he got killed in Freddy Krueger he comes back it's like let's find a way to have a guy with claws four fingers killed by the worst guy with claws four fingers there's three guys historically in film with claws four fingers Wolverine but he's was different cuz they came out of his knuckles right they always confused because they get broken off but still came back for Freddy had him on his feet oh my God look at that belly to belly he was beautiful there's a beautiful man like that's not a normal development congratulations to him from making it to be as normal as he is but he was always with this guy who is one of the worst with the claws or fingers and then he becomes Edward Scissorhands who's just kind of confused what a stretch is a character to to play that as this I confused my name in colleges has Edward penis lips you know another weird things he did you know what I really enjoyed what the Lone Ranger the more recent never saw it he played a Comanche and there was a this is like I've kind of got into this when I was reading empire of the summer moon is a book about Comanches I bought it on audiobook it's amazing yeah I say reading I'm lying I listen to an audiobook too but then I started reading things about it online and one things I started reading about it is that Johnny Depp played a command in this movie and actually like did some weird [ __ ] like a tie like a stuffed bird on his head which apparently some of the Comanches and some different Indian tribes would actually do like Crazy Horse even do the NES tough talk yeah on his head but uh like he played this like really weird character man like yeah he played but it was a really weird time it was outside so wasn't uh it was like super [ __ ] natural spiritual Tonka Tonto who brings the Lone Ranger back from the dead yeah he brings it back from the dead of that movie but it's a dope movie but you're interested in it because of Johnny Depp it's part of me think the characters so ridiculous this Native American guy that brings someone back to dead but Johnny Depp plays it so hardcore he plays it so to the bone that it's like you really pull this this guy brought him back from the dead that Tonto the the right the original Tonto his [ __ ] gotten a lot of [ __ ] trouble towards the end of his life for playing red face how did he yeah they called it his red face is like not really Native American I thank you is that what you're saying or is it that he was Native American but that he played Native American in movies I'm a little high think he's Mexican oh no how did well well maybe he's maybe he's like poor part more Mexican part Native American well the fact is that he talked like me so horny that's it it's his chimney oh yeah outside of it is cactus that's a cactus it was like paid to do oh oh you said it wasn't a chimney yeah oh so it's just cactus I found to be true that like you do this to piss off the councilman neighbors mm-hmm yeah he didn't like them but I would I'd be like oh my god this guy's hilarious imagine the amount of effort he put in to look at that right in his backyard so ridiculous and that's a councilman that's why yeah and so that's why you brought it up that's this transient effect Utah yeah people more people gonna pay attention that guy hates you see if you can find Johnny Depp's gorilla a gorilla a gorilla I think I saw it he owns a gorilla no no like a big gorilla inflatable gorilla [ __ ] flip flipping off his neighbor I think I touched it what damn how much do you drink there is yeah yeah yeah what does it say giant deaf I was pretty wasted when I was there gorilla in congratulatory for so he has this sculpture right into his neighbor's backyards he wanted to buy the house and they wouldn't sell it well he's let that go I love his hats be a good neighbor I love his hats he's a guy who could pull off hats great jaw line it's almost like he's apologizing for being so good-looking so he dresses goofy I would love to get to that place where I started wearing [ __ ] outrageous outfits do you do that just lose a lot of weight like from here on out yeah if you come out of this better than anybody like let's maybe maybe that's one thing we should do what's that maybe all of us should get together and have a quarantine challenge maybe we should get together come on man what'd you say open-ended he's scared of an end no I'm just kidding a finish line I'm so into this no this is all my brain working like for all of us like what better way to turn this into a positive then until I just make some sort of healthy competition out of it I'll a sober October yeah yeah I'm I love it yeah yeah I gave myself a break tonight to boot today with booze I brought weed just in case no podcast yeah sure you got a big comedy special on Netflix we got to have fun it was a success this is perfect perfect everything everything if you had told me in college Amen you know that guy news radio you're gonna party without you I'd be like [ __ ] drive to [ __ ] him he's like naughty dick it's juggen i mean this is like my life's worked out pretty good all of our lives have men you know for me to be me he's one of the weirdest things to you know that I could wrap my head around I'm have a hard time wrapping my head around it all the time and do you like and I not too back to this but like it brings back perspective of like like honestly just like how [ __ ] lucky we are and like when I think immediately I go wait staff at the [ __ ] store you gotta you gotta help man like I'm like overwhelmed by that we need to do like a comic relief or something big on our platforms that we can do where we can raise money we could definitely do that we should definitely donate as well you know I'm donating I'm waiting for them to set something up but I think we should continue to donate and I think that particularly with the people that we you know we have a system of all of us there's the waitstaff there's the management staff as the kitchen staff and all these places and they've all taken a big hit and and it's far worse for them that it would be for the same amount of money for us so I think we could pick up some slack yeah I think we all do that together and we'll figure it out like a good system within all the clubs we can keep everybody ok I think that's that's doable I don't think that's bad I think that would be great for all of us a thing that'd be great for all of us as a community you know we'll realize ok we can all chip in we could help each other you know I have a lot of meat that I've been giving out a lot of my comedian friends you know I'll be taking some of that yeah man that makes me real happy cause when I got into bow and arrows good we're not gonna be able to rebuild the new house anymore but you know it's not gonna last forever and this is gonna be a I hope not at least this is gonna be a opportunity it's gonna be this is the best thing you could say it's an opportunity for us like you know one can say it's going to be this or it's going to be that I mean I've heard a lot of people to try to either comfort people or they try to push their point across almost if they can win this argument then they're it's more likely to be true and it's comforting and some sort of a weird way but no one knows no one know no one knew that it would go - no one knew four months ago no one knew four months ago but four months later would be here no.10 people knew that so if we didn't know that like what we don't know what's coming in four months from now it can compound this is still right now even in quarantine the best time that humans have ever had ever earth you know obviously not for the people that are the victims of the disease but we can be okay coming out of this and it could be a wake-up call for people to stop living these lives that are unsatisfying and and and you know and figure out a way where we stopped chasing [ __ ] it's my whole [ __ ] life stop chasin [ __ ] it's amazing man it just perspective it and I think I don't know if I walk away with any [ __ ] perspective than a better man I think cuz I'm now I was in the on the tour every week every week [ __ ] burn it I remember like I could I keep going back to this conversation with Ali Wong she's like you're touring like it's going away and I was like I was like yeah right she pulled me aside in the hallway tomorrow are and goes hey Tornillo huh yeah yeah he's good yeah you're torn like it's going away I go ultimately you were right see this is what I was talking about lady it might be gone for six goddamn months we have no idea I mean I don't know I mean they might have I mean I literally know nothing about when the window of vaccine is I've heard elaborate numbers from 12 months to 18 months I do not know I've heard all sorts of different stuff about promising medications and this is within the first couple of months do not know there might be something they come off within a month or two who knows do you not know the cool thing about the news cycle is waiting for hope like waiting for like to get online and get excited and go oh breakthrough today or that's why I like you god damn man once the [ __ ] goes sideways that's when you need a really good leader you really do yeah you need someone who is honest when all the [ __ ] goes away when everyone's worried about and invisible monster that wants to kill your grandma what's a sneak into her lungs and shut them down when people are worried about that kind of [ __ ] you really want someone who has their character and order you know and this is this is one of the things that we should really take deeply into consideration when we talk about someone being a president or any any politician anyone who's a leader how are they how do they gonna react when [ __ ] goes sideways how are they gonna keep it together are they gonna make you feel good about this the reality of this world are they gonna just freak you out with [ __ ] are they're gonna make you feel less connected to it because you know that their words are not honest and that they're not accurate they're not they're not heartfelt it's just spitting out [ __ ] and you're like [ __ ] this goddamn cars going sideways down the highway and no one knows what to do that's why we need to vote for the rock no I'd vote for him Senate Rae Hynie in 100% I would I'm all in for the rock as good as he is about everything else in life he'd be great a president but no one should be President yeah but the rock could like what you need is a figurehead to let you know how today is gonna work out yeah as like you said those inspirational speeches mean a lot yeah and and the rock could give us every morning from the iron jungle just like guys big day legs hey listen the economy's doing yeah but right now everyone loves the rock if he became president 40% of the people would immediately start hating him no yes unify the country impossible can't be done we love it just be mean he's got biceps say bunch of mean [ __ ] to him and then a tribute to his decisions what the economy is doing and what this is doing in that I like that why would he do that I just keep doing Jumanji movies and everybody loves him Jumanji movies are so [ __ ] good this one aquafina was the [ __ ] home run yeah which she came up Soleri dude I texted her like oh no her that well and kind of named Robin no no I I called her out on like Instagram going hey this is [ __ ] amazing awkwafina's amazing my daughter's love Aquafina lover she replies he was like hey thank you she played Danny DeVito look I'm sitting here watching Kevin are doing the Jewish accent going the [ __ ] going on when Aquafina came in I went chill bumps she was walking around with she was she stole the movie at that point but the rock when the rock goes off brand and he goes listen yeah we got [ __ ] this is mother [ __ ] I get my heart skips of beatings when He pours it to Kela and you're like wait is the middle you afternoon I love the rock yeah no he's when he was playing Danny DeVito was hilarious dude they were oh that's right Kevin Hart was playing a twenty-one lethal weapon Danny Glover Danny Glover yeah yeah yeah yeah hard funniest yeah and in the rock was playing Danny DeVito those two mangy movies do not let down just as good if not better than the first one the first one ice came out her and I said girls is the best movie you'll ever seen in your entire life I'm 47 years old you'll never feel better one Billy it was a perfect movie that you could take your family to and the second one was the same way it's a great movie if you're looking for a family movie to watch on lockdown right now and you haven't seen Jumanji - it's excellent it's really good it's fun man Kevin Hart is a talent he's a special talent so and that redheaded throws kicks that chick is badass gorgeous back like a [ __ ] it's fun to watch him be not something other than Jack like what he's good at they do two plays a football player fridge he's always yeah yeah the the Instagram influence or she uh it's a great cast man it's amazing [ __ ] movie yeah it's funny to know Kevin Hart like my daughter the other day so it's not about Kevin Hart and I said something she goes well you act like you know him I go yeah yeah I know Kevin she goes you don't know Kevin Hart maybe the [ __ ] I don't know Kevin Hart I know I'm like what are you talking about no Kevin Hart's brother is like a legit professional pool player Kevin Hart's brother is in the front row at the DC Improv one night and I'm making jokes I'm [ __ ] some [ __ ] horrible joke and he's laughing hard and I say you look like [ __ ] you look like a dirty ass Kevin Hart or something and he goes I'm his brother and I went sure yard he goes no I'm his [ __ ] brother I go no you're not and he goes I'm his [ __ ] brother he pulls out his idea go oh [ __ ] he's his brother I told her yeah I told him all the Kevin Hart stories I had he's a legit professional pool player for real yeah like really good yeah I watched videos of him play and I was like oh this guy plays like a pro like he's he plays like if you're watching like any like real professional play if you ever catch ESPN nine ball events like Johnny Archer playing Earl Strickland or Shane van boning he plays like those guys like legitimate really plays like a pro yeah I watched him play I was like oh he's like a real pro Wow did you watch that documentary and documentaries don't [ __ ] this up with Kevin Hart no I did pretty like legit back surgery yeah like cut down a spine what did they have to do I don't know what drove by the [ __ ] accident driving to work one guy yeah that's his brother yeah his brother plays really good like really good like it's a person who's been playing pool I've been playing pool for almost 30 years when I watch the play I was like I'm like oh okay he's like watch this he's doing this drill watch he's going across and he's making room for his brothers legit good oh yeah no like like a real professional pool player and he give he has his like videos that he'll put out of instructional drills like he's doing right here this is a positional drill that he's doing to try to get in line for each each ball Iseman well I [ __ ] up here he's got a yes oh oh he goes the other way once you pass the side pocket then you go the other way oh that's interesting so the whole idea is just just drilling cutting balls in off the rail is very difficult to do and he's doing it like it got like mica imminent or someone like that like a like a real professional he's really good like I watched him play and I said I said Kevin in text message I wrote dude your brother is [ __ ] legit like he's a real pool player his brother mmm holy [ __ ] yeah dude he's really good like he's a guy that like looks like he could win like he's playing Darren Appleton Darrin Appleton is like he was a top snooker player in England and then came allure played America he actually I think he played English 8-ball too but then he came over to America and started dominating in pool and so that guy's playing guys like that so Kevin Hart's brothers playing like top-notch world beaters in pool tournaments whatever that is is good created two [ __ ] monsters their mom like how sexist piece of [ __ ] it's just the dads come that did everything no none of us the dad is the dad ignoring them through their child funny that men always think that whatever his dad it's all daddy issues good genes his dad must have been a [ __ ] Savage hey I'll do that though it's all dad issues that's why you succeed it's cuz you want to please your dad I think I don't know that's uh that kid it could be that could it be it's not see that whenever we try to make your motivation for anything or your reason for success a binary thing a one or a zero it's like there's a lot of factors a lot of factors heartbreak could lead people to success whoo some guys get their heart broken let's mean they just go oh okay I'm gonna show you time to teach everyone who didn't want to [ __ ] me that they wanted to [ __ ] me and they no time to teach someone who says that you're a loser someone who used to love and they chastise you and say you're a loser and you're like oh you think so okay well I'll check in you with you I'll check in with you in about six years I don't see how this works out there's girls I want to give trophies to God like hey man you did it you told me I was gonna make it and I want to thank you so much you can do that to people you know in those emotional moments I could say the most mean [ __ ] because they know that it's gonna hurt but sometimes it works sometimes it works I didn't even know I was fat until Tom told me I was fat I thought it was good-looking look at those videos I go that's hilarious Oh like I'm fine I thought I was opaque perfect I was like oh you're talking about I grew a beard I can't see it anymore yeah it's funny like fat shaming feels bad but sometimes you have to feel bad to make changes yeah but so sometimes fat shaming could be like the most valuable thing anybody could ever do to you but you don't want anybody to do it to anybody I don't want anybody to do it to me I don't want to do it to anybody however it's very valuable if it happens it's like a gold that can make you rich but it could also burn your hand should you pick it up as I said I think you probably should you'll heal from the burn I listen to this app when I run is called active and there's this guy Hakeem and who sometimes the is coaching we were talking about coaching my wife losing weeks you got a trainer sometimes coaching can get to the heart of what you need and there's a part of this [ __ ] run I do with a team where he goes you know all those people that talk [ __ ] about you and I go Tommy tell them they're wrong ago Tommy pushes this next on I always crank it up a little higher I go do you have any regret for underperforming and the so October why didn't you get after I couldn't I never could I never could it got it [ __ ] in my head my OCD [ __ ] up Oh every time every time it [ __ ] my head up there was so much trash talking everybody wanted to beat you yeah everybody just wanted to get ahead of you I got so overwhelmed by those by are sober October's like so overwhelmed at one point Tom talked me off a ledge and he goes hey remember you're just a comedian you are not an athlete you're just Bert and you're a comedian don't lose sight of that because I would get like I would get over [ __ ] whelmed every 1st of October easy-peasy we all did 15 so sober what's more god it's hot yoga's yeah easy easy what happened was the next one I rolled into like no big thing and you did a hike with Marshall and I did a hike without a dog and I pretended I lost my dog but the whole joke said I lost my dog but I was like Joe you do one mile I do - you do two miles I before and then I was like I'm here with my dog Priscilla Priscilla so and then I pretend to lose Priscilla right it was a joke yeah and that's when I flushed a fire igniting you that I had none beans of high school and I was like oh [ __ ] and then I started getting like overwhelmed and I wasn't sleeping I was like getting up to run and my sciatica was hurting it was like it was so [ __ ] aggressive that like all the fun that I rolled into when when Tom and I did the weight loss challenge and I just drank the whole time and lost like 40 pounds all that fun cuz so lost in the silver October I was like I gotta [ __ ] win man I gotta [ __ ] win yeah I haven't experienced anything like that since I was about 20 to 21 years old those the last time I experienced that kind of obsession something physical it leaked into the marathon we were in here talking about the marathon and then all of a sudden me and Tommen already were at the wrote the an NCAA championship game for the you know payoff I was like I entered the LA Marathon and Tom goes why I said I'm gonna run a marathon and he goes you don't have to I don't know why you're doing it and I said cuz you guys said I couldn't and he goes no no we don't care and I was like I'm gonna do it like I was lost yeah I ran the LA Marathon I remembered but there's an attachment I have to whatever that focus is where I go I do it for specials where I get so dialed in it's an is really unhealthy but it's not because that's how you create something great like when you do a special I know how much energy you put into it you think about I I was obsessed obsessed because I go I with this special I was like I don't want to be the guy that does the same special three times in a row I want to grow I want to want to create I want to show like my big [ __ ] white whale was like that Starbucks bid I do where I go do you see that one mention your name yeah and I go that's for me and this is like way over thinking it's guy walks into a bar right it was like there's a No Mas to an old-school joke in mind the way I tell stories yeah and it defines me laughing at jokes but and it and it calls my friends it was like my favorite joke ever written I love without obsessions not healthy man it's not healthy to be a regular dude it's not that it's not healthy I don't agree with that I just think it has to be balanced out I think it is healthy because you know that like that bit when it came out it was [ __ ] killer and it needed that you know and even all that obsession for it to grow that's how a bit that's a great bit we have a bit you really enjoy I really cracks when you get up there and people really laugh hard it's hard to make one of those and I think there's the the it's it's worth it for you giving into that obsession so that the audience could experience like a really well-crafted really rockin joke it's fun there's no other way to make them man I can't I don't know another way dude I don't think there is another way the every special that I've ever put out I've always [ __ ] hated immediately afterwards I can't believe people like this crap you [ __ ] hate I'm it's over Josh Potter said to burn and of our forebears one gave our guy goes Haman I loved you special and I went really [Music] he was bring me a gun that's awesome and Josh Potter's it means he's like you gonna bits awesome and I'm looking at time I go Tom did you think it was awesome because we all thought I was awesome and I was like for reals like I dude I know you hate it because you see it too much god there's you gotta realize if you're seeing a special over and over and over and over and over again all the surprise is gone right so you're just analyzing the like the mechanics of the the bits and maybe I did this one's better in the first show but that one's better in the second hmm but you're not experiencing what it's like to not know where you're going the audience is the only one that gets experienced that so it's so hard for you to get it and then the one thing I always say and I'm gonna say it again because it's just true I don't you gonna say you're in the audience watching a special you're getting a hundred percent if you're at home watching on Netflix you might get seventy I don't think you really get seventy you probably at sixty probably it's 60 percent of what it's like to be in the room because as a human there's something about laughing in a room full of 2,000 other people that are laughing and you're all your little buzz you like get on stage you take your shirt off and they go yeah and everybody's into it it's like this it's a big part of what stand-up comedy is is like doing it Lotso you're almost just getting a reference point it's like Google Maps when you're watching it in real life watching on YouTube or something like that or watching on Netflix it's like Google Maps because it's not like being there like if you if you stood there on the ground you're like oh this looks different on the ground like you liked in you're like okay the mountains this way and I was looking at Google Maps I couldn't text I'm looking down on this thing that's what it's like when you're in the audience of a comedy club is like being there versus watching on Netflix which is like Google Maps it's way better than not being there Maps is dope you can go visit the [ __ ] rain forest you just go look in there spread it out pictures the [ __ ] ground looks like from the sky but it's not gonna be like going to the Amazon I that's what it one of the obsessions I have with my last not this one the last one was know what I had one experience with TIG Notaro take Notaro man taught me the big one of the biggest lessons I ever learned and stand-up we did premium blend together and she went first and she for the first time in life probably sucked a dick like literally sucked a dick was so bad on stage and and she'll admit it she'll admit it and I went up after and I murdered I 1,300 people I murdered I watched the taping take destroyed because her jokes were amazing she and play for the room she played for the people in the audience good people in television and I went that's so interesting Here I am like raising my voice like going like what's up UCLA like everyone homes like dude dial your [ __ ] down I learned so much after watching TIG that I went don't play for the people in the room play for play for them in the room but but make sure be cognizant that you're making this for a television show I don't know whether she meant to do that on purpose or not but man I watched her set on that premium blend she murdered and I bombed on TV and I was like you do yeah don't go in and go what's up Jacksonville I wouldn't see you murdered in person but bombed on TV on TV because I possible my energy was so hard in person because it was 13 other people convinced you the bombing on TV you can pull up that premium blend set but you did well in front of the crowd in front of the crowd but I was playing louder on the mic too much we might have I just had a good TIG Notaro sucking dick joke I was trying to slide it just did their congratulations on that thank you Sarah I wonder if people gonna get less concerned about politically correct oh yeah I think that like Jamie and I were talking about like gender pronouns not really call me whatever you want to call me as long a for yeah yeah oh this would be nice to each other and [ __ ] relax I think that's part of what we were going through as a culture well the outraged culture is because it wasn't anything real to fight against no it was not nothing real that was a real problem as opposed to every other single era of humanity which is like filled with strife in trouble - the only one look at guns the gun control [ __ ] that's not that's not a conversation anymore the window okay oh so many left-wing people lining up to buy guns now Oh everyone yes including my friends wives who used to get bad if she they even heard talk about guns they would get mad and now they're asking that the husband go get a gun no [ __ ] no [ __ ] about what kind of gun what do you have where do you keep it that kind of [ __ ] like whoa whoa whoa dude that's so that's that's off the board yeah that's off the board if people listen once refrigeration goes that's when you see what's up once power goes that's when you see what's up we live in a ridiculous way we live in a way that's only sustainable if it's super fragile system stays in place I mean it's robust in terms that it handles millions and millions of people but it's fragile in the sense that one gigantic solar flare could wipe it out one earthquake could wipe it out power surges something crazy that you know asteroid shower that hits earth wipes out everything there's we were not sustainable we're only sustainable under certain conditions and a big part of those conditions is the power grid I wonder how much is gonna change the way people behave meaning Gardens chickens rabbits like you know we should have community a little look a little patch of garden in every community you just have an area you know you have it five houses have one empty lot for five million brilliant right one empty lot the size of a lot that a house would be built on and then you just grow vegetables and have chickens even if you're a vegetarian folks listen to me chickens you don't hurt them when you eat their eggs there's no hurting them at all if you if you're if you're feeding them well their eggs will be nutritious they're real easy as long as there's no coyotes around that's my number one problem that I have is coyotes would target the chickens but other than that you just let them go out in the yard man they'd find bugs to eat and worms to eat and then their eggs are delicious and you're not hurting them and they prefer being in the chicken coop they go chicken coop for safety you shut him in there you let him out in the morning they're like they were like my little friends it's the best thing your wife ever did in my entire life affecting me was convinced my wife to get chickens to because you you get healthy food almost every day you get several eggs we had a high point we had 22 chickens and we would get like 10 eggs a day every day 10 eggs and I'd eat 6 eggs for breakfast really good delicious just [ __ ] nutrient-rich protein rich and no one gets hurt I got double yolks one time my favorite in the world the problem is if you want Miller chickens then you're gonna have to have a rooster Roosters or [ __ ] they're [ __ ] they scream in the morning they wake up everybody they piss off your neighbors everybody wants me to do the chicken laying an egg is loud yeah I'm David telling my mancave doing a podcast was Tommy and the chickens all of that it's really aggressive as where the [ __ ] are we [Laughter] something like that where every day a [ __ ] egg came out of your [ __ ] we could eat it'd be so ridiculous cuz chickens can eat their own eggs too and you have to keep them from finding that out really yeah yeah yeah if they find out they'll start pecking eggs especially eggs aren't theirs yeah you know so if an egg falls and breaks you got to be really careful that the chickens don't find out about it because once they fight look a little dinosaurs bro oh yeah little dinosaurs you know one of them tried to bite my youngest daughter when she was she was very young at the time I want to say she was someone the neighborhood her four or five when his chickens started pecking her toes and my what my wife was like oh she probably thinks her toe is a worm I go no she's trying to eat the baby [ __ ] [ __ ] chicken is trying to eat the baby she doesn't think she's a worm how come she doesn't think I'm a [ __ ] word she just thinks that that thing is slow enough and young enough she might be able to eat it because chickens can tell when things are vulnerable man you've seen chickens with bites before right oh yeah have you ever seen them in real life or the mouse uh no not in real life I've seen it several times rats run amuck on my in our chicken coop yeah well those chickens will turn on that rat they can catch them they can catch that [ __ ] in the corner they'll tear him apart yeah I'm not thinking about hunting rats with my pellet gun well rats anywhere you live in California where there's hills and people you're infested in fruit trees yeah fruits Weaver North tree in our backyard and it's [ __ ] infest just garbage cans on a regular basis garbage cans outside yeah and ways inside things find a way inside your house oh I live in Encino and this I had a place that I was renting that was totally infested with rats it was foul man they were big rat here running around in the [ __ ] inside walls also I set a trap once and I went out I saw there's a rat and I was lazy so I went back to bed I'm like I'll clean in the morning I went out in the morning they'd eaten it the rats had eaten it the rats had eaten the other rat it was a big rat too dude a big fat boy like a pregnant squirrel like a fat rat a big rat and this rat trap killed him I was like holy [ __ ] I was tired so I left that rat in there I went out in the morning to go look at I was like oh [ __ ] hold wild menagerie in my house at that time we think about it I got rats eating each other in the garage I got a feral cat that I'm locked in a room with I got two pitbulls I got a fluff ball cat I had surrounded with weird animals I think about I remember hearing you talk about those times where you come home and the dogs would have thought over something that happened twice came home and the dogs were tore each other apart was horrible what was just it was one female that I got that I got from the pound that I got cut because of Bryan Callen Bryan Callen called me up it's like dude you got to see this little puppy pitbull she's so adorable you see you're gonna see you're gonna fall in love with her you gotta go see her he was at the LA Animal Shelter Mike goddamnit I'm like okay so I went down there I was a [ __ ] you know so I went down there and I saw this little thing and she's trapped in and the LA Animal Shelter at least at the time the place that I'm thinking about not sure if I'm getting the name right was a no-kill shelter so they operated on donations they keep an animal alive for a long time so she had been inside this place for several months and she was really kind of weirded out by being in jail for that long I'm not getting a lot of human contact and someone I took her home and I would pet her and loved her she would get really aggressive with the other dogs to keep them away from her because she didn't get enough love when she was younger so now that she's finally getting love love was so valuable that other dogs she didn't think of other dogs as being her friends she's thought of them as love thieves so they would come here yeah so there was a couple different instances that happen and one of them happened when the pool guy had apparently come over and then the pool guy was petting both dogs and one dog attacked my female my little female attacked the bigger male to keep him away from getting petted she didn't want him to be pets all the pets yeah it was just a matter look and I had a bit about it I did for a little bit but it's basically I had a prison dog I mean I brought home a prison dog this dog had been a prisoner a giant chunk of its little life and by the time I got it home it just was not tolerating any [ __ ] and it had this attitude no matter what you couldn't it loved people no no fear at all about it being mean to people but around other dogs it was very dangerous very dangerous he'd ever knew it just it's thought of other dogs as being thieves you know a thought of love as being like a very valuable commodity and other dogs are stealing her love God man that's crazy yeah because my other two dogs were not like that at all at all one of them I had him since he was a puppy and the other one I got her like right around the time that he was a puppy and she was only maybe a year old herself and she was another rescue dog and they were like best friends so they they were fun together there how many dogs have you had in total five at one time I had five at one time altogether if I could have 20 dogs I'd have 20 dogs but it's not fair for the dog the dog dogs need you know they they're like family members man they need love yeah and that's sort of like this dog marshals different than any dog I've ever had because he's there's zero challenging in him there's these all's he's not barking at anybody he's not growling ever he's ground like to play I could come up to you with like a twenties mouths like and I'm like dude you got that toy you got but his tails Waggin like there's no aggression to him he's just all love what was the thought behind the German Shepherd her a gold retriever yeah well I never had one before but I heard they're great dogs and I've always heard they're really good family dogs I had a lab a black lab McGill which was [ __ ] the greatest dogs she's died more she dived at the bottom of the pool and grabbed rings yeah I mean those are dogs that people used to hunt ducks you know those kind of dogs there's task-oriented dogs you could teach them to do things yeah like martial whenever he comes over to like like in the morning I'll get up in the morning and always grabs a toy always Brad grabs a toy and brings it to like he never just comes to you and pets you he comes to you and shows you a toy that he's got because his jeans are Retrievers so it's like a bird hunting dog look someone would shoot a pheasant or something like that and he would grab it and bring it back or whatever yeah whatever bird it was and that's that's like what he's doing and he holds it in his mouth it brings you to show you like he rarely tears his toys apart she's a babe she's herself Mel's yeah just carry morale he's a sweetie does he go swimming yet all the time I want to get my is he as our new bull Mastiffs I want to get her in the books you can tell she how was it yeah Priscilla fell in the pool all this old [ __ ] does she know how to swim yeah she got out but we didn't know she fell in she just came in and you could see this in this dog's eyes like just you've no [ __ ] idea what happened soaking wet and when I how did you get wet and then you see she fell in off the lily like the steps and then found her way out but man you think you got to teach the doggy the way out of the pool yes using the way out of the pool and hopefully you got to have like a dog friendly pool there's more than one ladder somewhere where you can you know you know you don't want to have a pool where you have to take the dog out yourself no yeah good you want what some what cause it's just hard for dogs to when they get their paws up on the concrete to get their whole body up it's not easy yeah it's not easy for them like it is for us you know you get your hands on the on the concrete on the side anywhere you can just push yourself up and you sit on the side the dog can't do that dogs got to go up steps yeah unless it's like some super dog or something but yeah man if it was up to me I'd have like 20 dogs I want to get Priscilla and Mona as are the two dogs the older or older dogs when they pass will have this [ __ ] idiot dog Izzie thanks [ __ ] six seven months you gotta teach him oh yeah she just is like it's not gonna learn man this dog has so much [ __ ] it's like it's almost like just like blind eye to you like huh what what are you talking about like she's on crank all day all [ __ ] day what kind of dog is it bull mastiff yeah that's why those are great protection dogs oh so much energy she has got man something goes down in the backyard this [ __ ] is on ya hope right out there so sure do she's raised for something to do that's like when a regular person gets up Belgian Malinois and so it's bringing that goddamn thing around everywhere like oh look at you you little [ __ ] demon little black-haired even with the Belgium assigned to take out prisoners is that the [ __ ] it's like a German Shepherd looking dogs yeah exactly exactly the German champion looking dog but they look so fierce man those dogs there we had we used them a bunch of times on fear factor look at the [ __ ] athleticism of this tank this [ __ ] can go to the roof look at take this guy down they're wild dogs man it turns with their athleticism look at that thing fly up that grab well have you seen them one where there's uh there's a treat or a ball hanging from a tree and so this Belgian Malinois jumps runs up the side of the trunk of the tree and then leaps sideways like 20 feet in the air to snatch this ball look at this look at this thing walking on her you've tightrope across two buildings bro you don't want nothing to do with this dog that is a dog that was clearly not trained in America it's going backwards now you don't want jack [ __ ] to do with this dog you just you just do not yeah you can't let that [ __ ] go there amazing look at that oh my god dude how about that how about it jumping over this guy's back and jumping into the bed of that truck as its speeding those trees look at the [ __ ] athleticism these things have and you really only get that kind of athleticism with a dog that's like that size you know it's not a giant dog yeah like what do you think that weighs I don't think they're very big sixty pounds yeah probably sixty or seventy pounds for you know good-sized one although we were just talking the other day about someone who had one that was really young and it was already 90 pounds somebody had one it was like who was that though saying that has one that was like six months old it was already 90 pounds was it Andy was talking about somebody yeah so the average is like 75 pounds for a male that's like that's on the high end so this guy had one that was already 90 pounds that was six months old so they also had doubled canines the ones that he was showing us like great whites like on each side they have two canines on the top so you could find that image double canines Belgian Malinois that's the thing they're breeding they're making hybrids you know like they take a grapefruit they mix it with a orange [Laughter] grapple together a grape look it's got double canines shut yeah some of them have two canines I couldn't live with the dog I almost bought a dog of Argentino and the guy was like right before I bought it he was like hey you're gonna have this dog in bed with you and I go yeah of course he goes I'm not selling it to you mommy really yeah because you got it there's certain dogs where you have to become the master like like dog origin Tino's are like bull Mastiffs but pit bulls on steroids yeah and the guy was like yeah man if it once gets in bed with you you've lost the house good call man thank you for stopping me I'm running this house [ __ ] [ __ ] my wife I'm like I imagine he starts growling while he's humping your wife's leg oh no what have I done I let this giant beast get too comfortable in my house 200 pound [ __ ] your wife look at the build on that thing that's the most beautiful dog I've ever seen in my life it looks like it the clown if it was an evil dog it does look like it does go back to that picture it looks like it looks like that's one that's Pennywise the clown oh [ __ ] that's [ __ ] Pennywise I'm so glad I didn't get one now doesn't it look at that [ __ ] dog oh my god the muscle and the thing of preposterous when was the last time you got attacked by a dog I've never been attacked by a dog oh Jesus that's that looks like the rock if it was a dog look at that build on that thing look at that man is Christ and that's why 130 pounds that's a girl - that's a female dog try to try to grab on to any part of that dog to stop it from killing you good luck there's not one part of you that looks like a demon like a sweet-faced demon you got wandering around your yard looking to kill burglars that's the dog I wanted whoo build on that [ __ ] Jesus Christ that's that is a crazy dog to have around your house like you got to really be on top of things look at that head with the collar look at that one in the middle oh my god look it's almost hard that dogs so ready God bro that's a polar bear that's like having a polar bear how is that any different how's it any different those those and Connie Corsos are [ __ ] that's the [ __ ] with dogs yeah if my wife leaves me I'm moving to Malibu I'm getting that kind of course one Adana dog origin Tino yeah those [ __ ] oh look at the [ __ ] muscles in the chest for that thing come on man that's just too weird yeah if I feel like if you have a dog like that also it's like you have this obligation to work that [ __ ] out every day every day that isn't you have a super athlete you just can't have that thing into your yard being bored like that's a different kind of dog that's why that's why he was like you're not letting in bed with you I was like of course yeah why running [ __ ] son you got to keep those [ __ ] on a leash and train them well from the time they're really young or or get one that's trained but even then I've won I've heard about like Belgian Malinois Zin particularly like you got to be the boss like that thing has to respect the ER this that was is that what Cal or a shop got to his wife at all it was like [ __ ] you [ __ ] and she's like oh no I got those crazy dog on my house it's not listening day yeah but if a dog thinks you're not the boss then it becomes the boss like he decided Brendan was the boss like leave this big [ __ ] with the deep voice you know he's six foot five or whatever he is yeah he's gigantic and so he's around this dogs like hey bro I'm the dogs like okay big guy [Laughter] with um the wife's around like who [ __ ] you who you where's the big guy I think I'm the big guy [ __ ] like that's why you have to get a dog when it's a puppy you know when you get a dog when it's a puppy then you know you're the daddy like when I get up in the morning and Marshalls waiting for me I'm like bro so I say to him bro and it's like running around in circles and [ __ ] like it's a healthy relationship like he's for his whole life he's associated me with going on runs and getting belly rubs and you know playing so yeah it's like when a dog you get a dog when it's fully grown like you have no idea what that was going on you don't know what was going on you didn't you weren't there you don't know it was going on you're getting a two-year-old dog that's trained and trained how by hoo-wee there you can assume from some guys because you trust their reputation they're really good at raising dogs but it's not the same relationship as when you raise a dog from the time it's a puppy no puppies are yeah and there's nothing better that the dog we have now got me because I was in Phoenix doing the show my wife's like am I watched on the road with me she goes hey there's a puppy like 20 miles from here and I went to the house walked in and this [ __ ] dog climbed up in my lap laid her head on my shoulder and just went to sleep and I went bait you're going home with us it's to their two adorable puppies like are the cutest thing that you ever get to experience other than a baby and maybe even more than a baby because you're not as you're not as concerned about them being vulnerable so you could appreciate them more sometimes less it's your baby once your baby you're just so full of love you don't know what the [ __ ] to do but other people's babies are pretty cute but other people's puppies are always cute or they're so adorable there's something about a puppy even the way they move the move kind of funny front paw jump right love like yeah just having fun and what sucks is where we're at now with this puppy where it's still a puppy but it's big and you're like you know you cannot just jump up on the [ __ ] bed and [ __ ] just like she's ever given it lessons do you give it lessons on I haven't been home for a while but I was thinking to start they must start giving this [ __ ] dogs a blessings make the rules man you're gonna make the rules oh she is she is she's [ __ ] hilarious but man she gets up like just gets up on your lap like you should have rooms for the dogs not allowed to go in okay dude I'll be taking [ __ ] and this dog will walk in the closet grab his shoe and just walk out look at me and go she learned how to open the trash can like pull cabinet and just stick her in the try to go Izzie should go huh what don't even say no just yeah you got a trainer Bert before it's too late it might be too late there might be this might be even you might need to bring in Cesar Millan for this one I ran into Cesar Millan the other night you need to run into him it's fate where was I stop you from being a future episode of his show what the [ __ ] man oh yeah I can't do that Bert that's ridiculous where was that mammoth Cesar Millan where were you that's a good question [ __ ] I must have been somewhere and like like some sort of event I don't know but you need to have him help you fix your [ __ ] dog yeah this [ __ ] dog is all over the map dude it's 3330 you sure yeah oh [ __ ] we've been going for what we've been going three and a half hours ridiculous this is awesome I'm so glad that would all this craziness we could still do something like this [ __ ] yeah social distancing yes just we're not making out anymore and I hope you guys at home listen and stay safe and and Bert Kreischer hey big boys available right now let's break the internet you [ __ ] please available right now on the Netflix go there and joy and that's it Bert Kreischer on Instagram Bert Kreischer on Twitter do you even use Twitter anymore yeah I do do you pay attention to the mean people no I read it without my glasses so I can see what just loving her tweet well thank you brother I love in two minutes always thank you always fun bye everybody we see soon [Music]

Channel: PowerfulJRE

Views: 5,426,765

Rating: 4.7532053 out of 5

Keywords: Joe Rogan Experience, JRE, Joe, Rogan, podcast, MMA, comedy, stand, up, funny, Freak, Party

Id: Q0V6KIZiXco

Length: 201min 27sec (12087 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 24 2020

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