Jimmy Kimmel’s Oscars Monologue 2023

we cannot run this guy we gotta reject what we need altitude no we don't pull the ejection handles the second I tell you I don't want to pull the handles I don't want to pull a hand I'm not pulling what's wrong with this guy you're throwing away why are you like this Tom [Music] thank you [Music] ladies and gentlemen your host for this evening Jimmy Kimmel [Music] on thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you give me a second to adjust my danger zone here my banshees are caught in my inner shearing right now all right I'm good welcome and uh congratulations welcome to the 95th Oscars we made it you made it congratulations I know that uh being here tonight is a dream come true for most of the people in this room thank you for inviting me to be a part of it especially this year when the world finally got out of the house to see the films you worked so hard to make the way you intended them to be seen in a theater I also also want to see that Nicole Kidman has finally been released from that abandoned AMC where she has been held captive for almost two full years now it's good to have you back Nicole and thank you for encouraging people who were already at the movie theater to go to the movie theater you look great everybody looks so great when I look around this room I can't help but wonder is ozempic right for me we have so many first-time nominees here in the acting categories alone There are 16 first-time nominees including Jamie Lee Curtis including Anna De armas Colin Farrell Michelle yeoh Brendan Fraser see if we've won I this is I think a great piece of Oscar trivia 31 years ago in 1992 Brendan Fraser and kiwi Kwan were in a movie together remember which movie it was Encino Man two actors from Encino Man are nominated for Oscars okay what a what an incredible night this must be for the two of you and what a very difficult night for Pauly Shore maybe it's time to reboot biodome why not all the top 10 highest grossing films this year were sequels or franchises they say Hollywood is running out of new ideas I mean poor Steven Spielberg had to make a movie about Steven Spielberg congratulations Stephen look at this by the way I want to say right here this is my favorite Duo of the Year Steven Spielberg and Seth Rogen what a pair the Joe and Hunter Biden of Hollywood [Applause] Seth what are you on right now be honest nothing mushrooms right did you give one to Stephen give him one let's see what happens maybe we'll make something crazy Stephen claims he's never even smoked weed which I find hard to believe you mean to tell me you were sober when you made a movie about an alien who eats Reese's Pieces all day and can't remember how to phone home you were high as a bike when you made that movie Steven is the first to record to be nominated in six different decades for an Oscar it's remarkable this time as you know he has nominated for the fablemans which is by far his most personal film they say write what you know it and they say also write what you know your mom did with your dad's best friend and Stephen did that and the result was yet another Oscar nomination for the great Michelle Williams who is um right there at Michelle and the Fable men's wasn't an easy shoot for Michelle after almost every take Spielberg would rush up to her with tears in his eyes and he'd scream that's not how mommy said it I also want to extend congratulations to Steven's longtime collaborator the Maestro John Williams who is now the oldest nominee in Oscar history and he looks great he's gone John John turned 91 years old last month and he's still scoring if you know what I mean [Applause] from Raiders of the Lost Ark do yourself a favor another uh only Walt Disney this is great only Walt Disney has been nominated for more Oscars than John Williams he's been nominated 53 times and nominated 53 times he's won five which honestly is not that great but good luck tonight it was a very good year for movies business is booming I know people like to debate now which is better movies or TV but here's the thing no matter how good a show is there are some things movies could do that TV just can't for example a TV show can't lose a hundred million dollars is the gang from Babylon here they know I was just asking if they were here I was welcoming them at least Babylon got released in August you know Batgirl became the first superhero to be defeated by an accounting department and then we had the big one the long long awaited Avatar the way of water which gave the director the producer Jim Cameron another opportunity to do what he loves to do more than anything else drowning Kate Winslet it's the most expensive movie ever made Disney spent two billion dollars on this movie Just To Break Even all of Nick Cannon's kids had to see Avatar four times and they did I guess James Cameron is not here uh by the way tonight you know you know a show is too long when even James Cameron can't sit through it some of the cynics are saying Jim Cameron isn't here because he didn't get a Best Director nomination and uh well I find that very hard to believe about a man of such deep humility he does have a point I mean how does the academy not nominate the guy who directed Avatar what do they think he is a woman oh what a thank you ladies it was some year for diversity and inclusion that we have nominees from every corner of Dublin five Irish actors are nominated tonight which means the odds of another fight on stage just went way up [Applause] and while we're on the subject of diversity I want to say especially those of you watching at home there are a number of excellent films and performances that were not nominated tonight including till and the woman King which are both based on true stories with great performances from Daniel deadweiler and Viola Davis that are very worthy of your time if you haven't seen them as is a small independent film called top gun Maverick the movie that saved the movies everyone loved Top Gun everybody I mean Tom Cruise with his shirt off and that Beach football scene L Ron hubba hubba you know what I'm saying [Applause] you know Tom and James Cameron didn't show up tonight the two guys who insisted we go to the theater didn't come to the theater so if you're hoping to get a look at Tom Cruise he's not here or or maybe he is here maybe that's Tom Cruise right there wearing a Judd Hirsch Mission Impossible mask there's only one way to find out for sure Judd we're going to need you to drive a motorcycle off the roof of the theater you know who else is here uh they write excellent Rihanna is with us tonight Rihanna got her first Oscar nomination from for the song Lift Me Up from Black Panther wakanda forever last month she performed at the Super Bowl and Tonight Rihanna will be performing at our halftime in just about four and a half hours from now Rihanna has a nine month old backstage and he's very cute he pooped during rehearsal you know the last person who pooped backstage at the Oscars was that accountant who mixed up the envelopes Rihanna is Here Lady Gaga is here wonderful my God even Elvis is in the building tonight there he is Justin Butler Austin as you know is the first time he was soaking zelvis still is this is a good Hollywood Story before they started shooting Elvis Tom Hanks gave Austin a vintage typewriter as a gift and in it Tom wrote he left a note written from Colonel Tom Parker to Elvis so then Austin used the typewriter to write Tom back as Elvis Presley and they got to know each other by sending letters back and forth as Elvis and Tom which just goes to show you how incredibly silly this all is you have silly jobs but Austin you're so talented I know Elvis would have loved your performance and in fact according to my Q Anon Reddit page he did we know this is a special night for you we uh why don't you have fun we want you to feel safe and most importantly we want me to feel safe so we have strict policies in place if anyone in this theater commits an act of violence at any point during the show you will be awarded the Oscar for best actor and permitted to give a 19-minute long speech no but seriously the academy has a crisis team in place if anything unpredictable or violent happens during the ceremony just do what you did last year nothing there and do absolutely nothing maybe even give the assailant a hug and if any of you get mad at a joke and decide you want to come up here and get jiggy with it it's not going to be easy or a few of my friends are going to have to get through first you're going to get have to get through the heavyweight champ Adonis Creed before you get to me do battle with Michelle yo before you get to me you are going to have to beat the Mandalorian before you get to May you are going to have Tangled with Spider-Man you are going to have to you were going to have to tangle with Fable man and then you're gonna have to go through my right hand man Guillermo if you want to get up to this stage a minute now hold on that's big saying the other Guillermo not not that not Del Toro the yes that one okay there you go I know he's cute but make no mistake you even so much as wave at me that sweet little man will beat the Lydia tar out of you okay there will be no nonsense tonight we have no time for shenanigans this is a celebration of everyone here you told us you wanted all the categories back in and we listened they're all back in that's right we will be showing all 23 categories live tonight except for one earlier tonight best picture went to All Quiet on the Western Front congratulations to Germany we put all the categories back in because the movie Community wanted it almost as much as the television Community didn't want it so no complaining about how long the show is I saw all your movies now it's my turn to make you sit in the theater for three and a half hours that doesn't mean we don't want to hear you speak we do we want your speeches to be moving we also want to keep it moving so speech goes on too long this year we're not going to play you off stage instead we have a group of performers from the movie rrr who are gonna dance you off stage if you go too long we're going to Bollywood gone throw your ass so let's get this going please welcome our first presenters of the night Dwayne Johnson and Emily Blunt

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 6,074,039

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Academy Awards, Oscars, Oscars 2023, Jimmy Kimmel, Hosting, Movies, Monologue, Red Carpet, The Oscars, Jokes, Hollywood, Dolby Theater, Award Show, ABC

Id: GoM-64EkchU

Length: 14min 12sec (852 seconds)

Published: Sun Mar 12 2023

Reddit Comments

[u/InfiniteDedekindCuts]

Wait. . . are there people who DON'T fuck to John Williams music?