Jerry Seinfeld Left Me On Read with Mark Normand | Chris Distefano Presents: Chrissy Chaos | EP 14

sort of reading text on the patreon from seinfeld yeah pansexual that's somebody who doesn't want the pandemic to end peter pansexual what's up everybody krista stefano aka chrissy chaos aka chrissy in the closet until my dad dies i got stand up dates coming i'll be in providence rhode island i'll be in waukegan illinois pittsburgh pennsylvania philadelphia pennsylvania eatontown new jersey and nashville tennessee go to christy comedy.com for tickets all those shows are coming up we're back on the road it feels really good chrisdcomedy.com all shows are safe and distance and blah blah blah whatever it is what's up everybody welcome to another episode of chrissy chaos look who's here mark norman hey i came on the wrong day i'm an alcoholic i got problems and yeah i got to get my [ __ ] together and i had an abortion this dumb [ __ ] we were supposed to today's the 27th of april god knows when it'll come out it depends when uh what it depends how high pimp is um when whenever it comes out but he's supposed to come on the 28th i was going to take my family who's going to try to sneak my family into universal studios even though we're not california residents and you [ __ ] blew it i'll venmo you i'll pay for the ride and they diddling you ready for this five tickets three adults two kids 600 bucks what an anal raping that is horrific at christian chaos on venmo um i know i'm doing rogan tomorrow i just found out it's in texas really i'm all screwed up are you really doing it no i'm joking i'm joking i don't want to rub it in i know you're dying to get on that show what can you do it's going to be a huge deal you know that i will i don't know i think it's kind of one of those things where the reality of it is is if i was going to get on it probably would have got on it already oh no he's enjoying this so this is all foreplay and then when you get on it's gonna be the biggest event of all time of all time yeah well whatever hey listen here's the truth whatever happens happens babe you know it's gonna end you're doing fine without that bald [ __ ] look at this joking jojo yeah it'd be not yeah i know i know be nice just get your ass kicked by i know i'd like to i think that's what we should we're i think it's at the place now at least inside comedy we won't talk about inside comedy too much but it's at the place now where i think you know it's i'd like to start beating the [ __ ] out of people on their podcast we need to get beat up again just a little bit just hit somebody you know what i mean like somebody runs their mouth on a podcast about somebody you go into their studio and you say okay here's the thing i'm going to give you two minutes to say it to my face go ahead pre start sing it if you say it i won't punch in the face if you don't say it i'm going to come over there i'm going to knock your teeth out i'm going to spit in your mouth yeah and then and then we'll be so either way we're going to be even see it on the patreon that's what it is patreon.comchristie.com um uh but no you're right we need that all this twitter feuding and beefing you know what they say haters are like crickets yes they chirp all day long then when you get near them they're quiet they're quiet my father said this in 2009 he said you know what's going to be the biggest problem in our country he said this tweeter [ __ ] really i swear to god my dad's got an eighth grade education i was like why do you say that he's like because not everyone's supposed to be talking oh you're not supposed to hear from everybody and he does that right and then you know recently he said now you're hearing from everybody look at all the issues yeah he's like what's the difference he's like most people shouldn't talk and he's the one we were talking outside before he's the one i told you the last six months of my life have been probably some of the happiest and and best in my life and you know why because i've been less informed yeah i don't know or care what's going on in the other side of the world anymore because the truth is it's never going to affect me and my caring about or not came about is never going to be able to help them in any way exactly it's just the media wanting you to be upset so what i do is i make sure my family is well taken care of as best i can they're happy and healthier and when i go outside i teach you know my daughter hey treat everyone with kindness respect and love if i see somebody that needs assistance i will always help them anything that's in front of me that i can control i try to control in the best possible way i don't worry about if the you know if the coral reefs are dying in australia i don't know if they were dying in brooklyn and it was going to affect me i'd try to do something to help so that's because that's what i think that's what it's all about you don't like to help you better film it yes you got to show up yes yeah 100 dude the vaccine yeah we show everybody i gotta i got the vaccine i did if you guys need a card hit me up at christy comedy patreon.com says christy comey who are giving out fake vaccine cards to the patreon members only it's just jefferson there's no two there's only johnson did you get the facts i got the vectors so people would leave me alone look at this i got a [ __ ] uh man one shot or two i got the doozy the deuce yes i got one more a pfizer morderna madonna did you get sick after the second one i felt woozy and i did soul joel's and it was great really yeah so you just plowed through i plowed through and joel was trying to talk to me and i said boy you're fat and then i did the show and and went home and it was a long night but we did it i love soul chills the kung fu panda yeah man i uh shout out soul joel if you guys don't know soul joel he's got he puts up a tent in royce for pennsylvania and all and everybody's going there now here's the thing when the quarantine happened when the quarantine began people's everybody started playing in seoul joel's world yeah the soul joel and again go follow him at soulja i think it's soul joel's comedy club just google seoul joel's comedy lounge go follow he's always got great shows on killer the thing is is he was always for since i've known him since 2009 2010 he was always putting up tents in a parking lot yeah and doing shows so then when the whole world shut down he was like oh dude you're on my turf now and he built this out i mean he got you and me and and and ice these rednecks out in pa are getting the best show in the year the best show and he pays 90 door deal [ __ ] you got that right yeah dude so yeah so you came on the wrong day we weren't set up we weren't set up we were doing homework with the kids we just eaten all the you know what because the thing is we pimp and i just ate all the pancakes too we had my uh girlfriend she makes pancakes she makes nice everything is with spice on it though she makes banana pancakes puts chili flakes on it i don't know what kind so we had i know dude i mean that's what it is and hey they want to get in here right they want exactly and now biden you know kamala harris is handing out books she's handing out her books to the people coming into the border it's just it's not dr seuss it's a i know dude let's i know dr seuss is i know my kid sorry my kids say to me you just don't know the other day my daughter was reading a dr seuss book eating [ __ ] goya beans i was like look at this nazis it nice not to pretend to care you know everybody's so exhausting oh it's all [ __ ] i love too like you know like with the oscars or the people that just like dude here's the thing being in los angeles now for the past two months it's just you know you asked me because you said you came to that and it is a beautiful house thank you shout out to beautiful true tv thank you you paid for half of it you scumbags well it's season one it's a season one budget so they're like hey listen we can't give you the hallway but hey you know i'm not one of the jokers so so hear that murr you're replaceable yeah i'll [ __ ] kill ya um oh boy that's a threat yeah dude he'll sue me for that so um you know he came in he said oh beautiful you're probably never going back to new york and the truth is is i know that there's [ __ ] everywhere i know there's [ __ ] everywhere but new york it's a little bit less in your face i feel like it's a little bit behind the closet we're here it's like you know you're talking to people and you're just like listen every the people i've met have all been kind and nice and great but you know you see somebody jogging you know by themselves outside with a mask on nobody within 100 feet of them yeah and they're like you're not doing that because you're scared of kova you're doing that because you're posturing and you want to be like hey look at me look at me following the rules i want to just walk up to these people like hey trump lost okay you won right you won you got trump out you won yeah you could take the mask off now and stop playing pretend yes like you're really actually scared of kovac because you're not and if you are that scared of kova that you're wearing a mask on in the middle of the field by yourself then you're such a bona fide [ __ ] i have zero respect for you so either way get out of my face yes just get out of my face i'm gonna shove an acai ball up your ass you hear that quinoa but yeah if you yell at me while i'm not wearing a mask your risk of getting coveted is worse so you're actually putting yourself in harm's way to yell at me or to seem cool or to film me the rules are starting to make the rules are starting to become so crazy and listen i'm somebody i believe in you know i know that covet's very real like the vaccine i don't you know i don't trust the media at all anymore like they were showing the other day that it's running rampant through india and they show a picture of a woman laying on the floor in india i'm like how do i know that that's coving yeah the main dish over there is diarrhea yes i don't know how do i know they're already they're they're in poverty they're [ __ ] in the street yeah she's fine she could be on the floor yeah because she drank the water dude i'd be on the floor drinking the water in india it's just what it is it doesn't necessarily have to be covered so i just think like because here's the thing is i think a lot of what's happening now is the media now the as people they're starting to really lose a grip on cove and starting to be like oh [ __ ] well they're not as scared of it any anymore they're not going to stay home and watch the news and click the links so now there's variance all of a sudden there's the vaccine now there's variance yeah okay so now they're like now you gotta wear three masks it's like genders now there's another one yeah there's another one you know and then you notice like things and that and then another thing we're talking about before where now it's just like whatever the agenda is right because now it's like whatever happened to plastic straws that went out the window no now all of a sudden i guess it's okay to kill the turtles or what about isis where the [ __ ] is isis where is isis exactly are they quarantining no they're just not the news cycle is doing a good enough job with cove it's scaring everybody but when we start to get vaccinated you better believe isis is coming back i'm telling you when we reach hurt immunity i miss it i miss isis i'm like please something we can all get behind and hate and that's it yeah on facebook there it is i know i know i like [ __ ] good i know we need a license so let's let's bring the beheadings back what about the asians how are they doing i saw bobby lee he seems fine and gay yeah i mean he's fine but bobby lee you know i guess i guess with the asians you know who hates asians that's how we're scraping the barrel here like yeah no one's ever in a room like these [ __ ] asians you know what i've heard other groups you know what you know here's the thing though right here's the thing i hate this but this is this i think this is the truth and people a lot smarter than me can say why i'm wrong and i would love to have a conversation because that's the scary part about being in america right now and i would assume the world is you can't even have discourse i can't even i can't even have a discussion so i'm just like to have a discussion with my friend mark if you want to you know uh enlighten me fine you know you try to cancel me then you've gone too far it's stupid right but if you want to enlighten me i think that's how we get to a better place as people but people that people make believe that that's what they want but they really don't want it they just want to cancel you so they feel better about themselves because everyone's really a narcissist so so that's just what it is it's like you know you're [ __ ] care guy you the oscar shut up it's like ricky gervais hosted he was like get up here get your little [ __ ] award he said you're in no position to lecture the public it's true it's like they're all better you're acting you're making believe there's somebody else it's like yeah my daughter does that [ __ ] every day in a room but but um i don't even know what i was talking about the oscars no but the ratings are through the floor isn't that satisfying when you hear that [ __ ] i'm like yeah yeah there's some society out there yeah and we're comedians and all these comics are just picking aside and going full force i'm like what it is should we stand back and just be observing the [ __ ] cuckoo's nest that we're watching here well here's the thing man here's the thing is like look you know even when people want to talk about racism and hate and all that and of course those things exist of course but you know you know you know you know usually you know usually who the most racist people are people of their own race towards race you know nobody's enslaved more saudi arabian people than other saudi arabians nobody's trying to cancel more white comedians than other white comedians so true nobody kills more black people than other black is just a peop if i say that i'm a racist i'm a trumpy i'm a this i'm a that you can't just have an you know what i mean you can't just say what what is an actual fact because the thing is a lot of people you know when you come with facts they come with emotions and emotions always going to win over facts i don't feel safe i'm threatened i'm triggered listen dude you're always here safe with me remember your home in your white palace right we've brought you home um i love it here this is a very nice safe white place this is a safeway place and we got the puerto ricans upstairs they yeah yeah keep them cleaning they're keeping yeah they're up there they're locked away yeah there's a kind of fight in the backyard too yeah with big money too if you want to get involved yeah we're betting and we're starting upgrade now my the puerto ricans they're starting to do uh they're accepting bitcoin for the cockfights in the backyard um yeah dude so yeah so so you know i like but that's the thing is i like i like that you know us as comics and friends for so long you could just talk openly and honestly not have to play pretend if you go on television shows and try to do this you just have to play pretend why those people have to do that i get why jimmy fallon has to make statements and stuff because the truth is jimmy fallon's a drunk that probably voted for trump so it's just like it's just like that's and that's okay that's okay that that's who he is that's okay he can't be himself when eventually you know like when the nbc show when you lose it when you get fired or you just move on then you start to come out and we start to know who you are and then you'll really be like loved yeah you know that's true the ratings will go up if you did that i get why i can't it's like i used to host a show for major league baseball right and they said that the major league baseball's agenda was we want to make baseball younger that's what they told me that's why they it was me sway and fat joe that they were the host fat joe told the greatest stories of all time sway is amazing and melanie iglesias uh you know she's um if you've ever watched guy quote a girl coach she was on that show with me and she's like a maxim uh covergirl so it was like four you know like whatever and they told us they said we want to make baseball younger okay that's why we're teaming up with mtv so i said okay great so we do interviews with the players the players would tell great i mean already humongous players david ortiz and adam joes the great guys would tell great stories about how hey you know i i got i was hungover one day and i hit three home runs or yeah you know we were out in tampa and you know i saw one of the assistant coaches getting a blow job or something like that that's funny but no name fun [ __ ] that would be like oh look they're humanized yes edit it all right cut it all what errors on the show on mtv these players talking about their charities and how they want to give how you can give back to a charity it's like charitable work is great good give to the charities why are you putting this [ __ ] on mtv this ain't entertainment this isn't entertainment dude it's like so so like that's why the internet is winning the internet yeah i don't know i don't know i i guess eventually i guess eventually the internet they'll probably somehow these same people that run hollywood will get involved in this but until then why not try to bank you know as much content and money and because the thing is like yeah the money is great you know the money is is great it's almost even more and so i think like really doing podcasts on the internet you can make more money doing this and you do tv unless you're like a humongous star sure um you know i mean like big big names of course get a lot of money but for the most part i think you know you make well i know i'm hosting a tv show you're doing great i'm hosting a tv show tv that's the thing you got your toe in both pools which is scary because for me it's not one versus the other for me that's the way i look at it it's like you can do tv and the internet like nobody is ever making you choose and if they ever did make me choose i would choose the internet but the tv station i'm working for is not making me choose they're like hey we know exactly what you say and do on the podcast we're cool with it yeah you know if things get out of hand one day and you say something crazy we'll fire you and i'm like that's fine because guess what most likely i i don't want to get too ahead of myself or be arrogant about it i would just think that if i ever did get quote unquote cancelled for words most normal people would be like that's ridiculous because i've made jokes about asians and blacks and whites and there all jokes i'm doing comedy i've never competing i don't i almost think like you can't be you know hitler wasn't funny because you can't be hateful and funny it's one of the other oh you know what i mean it's like all we know as comedians when somebody says something like michael richards when he started yelling he's not a funny comic i know but that was a great set it was yeah he killed yeah but no that's true i completely agree and i think our only hope is that the internet gets so big that because tv is silly like you're trying to show a kid at tv he's like what is this box with the knobs on it but i think eventually the internet will be so big and every all the eyeballs are going to go there that the tv has to go all right all right come back we need something you you put out whatever you like we'll we'll film it we'll expose it and all that but it's going to take a minute well even the even but you know the tv network that i'm on you know true tv even they have now it's like built-in it's like an online presence like the youtube and the twitter so it's like you can't really have one versus the other but you know homeless pimp and i talk about it like you know say what you want i understand that tonight's show and stephen colbert wasn't what it was everybody you can't deny that it wasn't what it was but they still get five hundred thousand views in a day dude yeah right that's what pimp says every day i check every day and they do better than every pod every day oh is that right oh i didn't know that well that's a bummer yeah we were killing i know we are killing but we are killing punching nobody douchebags we're doing pretty good yeah i mean dude making money from the couch you know like yeah like look dude you know i'm you know with with this podcast and my hay bay podcast i make more money doing this than i do hosting the tv show but again i don't wanna i don't wanna and there and even if i didn't make more money doing this i would still love doing this because i can be me and free and say whatever i want and my fans can either say yes or no they don't have to be like you said that now i'm going to take away your colgate ad it's like because tv people they have to they have to i get it like they got to play on two tv there's 10 net there's 10 stations there's ten shows on so like if one of the people in one of those are jokers yeah yeah if one of the people say something crazy then it's like i get they have to back out we got to cut that because that doesn't go along with the values of our other 10 shows but in podcasting it's like you're here for my values exactly you're a subscriber don't subscribe and that's what i wish like the world would just be more of it's like if you don't like it then fine like dana white said about the ufc event the other day he was like hey people in florida seem happier because it's like people still wear the mask if you're wearing the mask i'm okay with that if you're not wearing the mask i'm okay with that it's your choice right and he was like people just seem a lot happier than in other states where i agree i mean i've been in california for two months and i'm like these people are scared and they seem tense and miserable i know and their houses are big and their cars are nice but you talk to when you're like oh man you're depressed you're sad you're delusional you're gonna kill yourself and suicide is up sure depression is up anxiety is up and like where's that talk nobody's talking about just mass mass mass and all this [ __ ] and i get it you say you care but yeah your kid is not socializing and he's rotting away and he's gonna go back to school and shoot another kid anxiety speaking of anxiety yeah no i know and listen if you don't want to shoot that kid in school go to transcendlabs.com promo code chaos 50 off all your cbd products yeah there it is the whole internet versus podcasting thing isn't this what movies and tv did originally like this doesn't feel new to me what do you mean like everyone's like oh you're a tv star hack uh right tv is cool now though i mean look at breaking bad and mad men and sopranos they you're saying it flip and tv is [ __ ] yeah movies are [ __ ] and it's going to keep flipping so uh-huh the real question is what's the next again i think you're right i'll go back i'll go back to what we're saying outside to the words of the great chance palmetto homeless pimp also runs the chas palmettary podcast which is wild um uh nobody cares that's what chad says through the bronx tale he said and that's the every time he texts chaz he'll sign every text but nobody cares he's that's great words it's like hey you're doing what you want to do i'm doing what i want to do as long as i'm happy it's like who cares it's like you know people will comment you know things negatively all the time on social media and it's like i just delete them man it's like i know garyvee tells you leave it up there and lean into your negativity it's like nah dude i'll just delete my i want to be happy in my life i know i i don't want to let negative somebody comment something negative i delete it it's like yeah what am i [ __ ] a [ __ ] because i'm deleting it's like no dude nobody there's no there's no strength in i don't want to look at that i'd rather just delete it and keep living on and being as happy as i can until i you know get [ __ ] put in jail by aoc that's some that's some zen [ __ ] though because you know we've all left a conversation like oh that joke bombed oh that was stupid oh i'm a nerd why'd i say that but then you walk away guys they're not even thinking about me they're jerking off to a baby phone of course i mean look exactly look at how many times look at how many times i'm sure it's happening what's happening to me many times look at how many times you've done stand up it's before you were even selling tickets before you had it your actual fan base but look at when you were just out there you were headlining though but you didn't have many fans yet yeah it was a night you'd be shaking hands after the show trying to sell your merch or whatever like that yeah and and and and uh they come up and say hey i love that joke you did about whatever but it was the features it wasn't even your joke because the truth is everybody's half listening i know everybody's always half listening yeah your speech yeah it makes people happy for a day or two but no but it doesn't change the world i know it's so true or when you get heckled by the the lady in the front you go [ __ ] you you dirty [ __ ] and the crowd turns on you and you're in the shower the next day going why the color of content is two minutes into my set they hated me for an hour and a half yeah damn it i went too hard on the lady yeah dude it's because i'm telling you man reading this book 48 laws of power has been helping you said you read this in college i read that in college wow a page or two how was it it's great i mean it's empowering and it's the cool thing about that book is it's all the same [ __ ] everything you're thinking and worrying about we think this is all new we think we're all special and different that [ __ ] is all stuff there's a your boss is in there your mom's in there your [ __ ] girlfriend's in there yeah you're you're you're questioning your sexuality i like that the one thing i love about this book so much is it gives you laws that can apply to everyone these are the he didn't care about this book he was like all right next segment he's not sorry tommy but this it gives you examples in history about like you know it all relates it all applies today they're like hey what you're going through right now somebody was going through in the 1200s i know and you're like wait this is just what happened to me on twitter it's all the same we're all [ __ ] guzzlers just like we were 100 years ago 100 dude shout guzzle come yeah and if you want something that guzzle to come with go to magicspoon.com chaos that's the cereal goes good with [ __ ] oh that ain't milk folks yeah um uh because you you know we weren't prepared for you came a day early so we didn't have the chapter planned so we're just gonna flip through it i'm sorry what is the story time come on we were rolling we don't need to ruin this with the book here we go law 45 reach the need for change but never reform too much at once judgment everyone understands the need for change in the abstract but the day-to-day level people are creatures a habit too much innovation is traumatic and will lead to revolt if you are new to a position of power or an outsider trying to build a power base make a show of respecting the old way of doing things if change is necessary make it feel like a gentle improvement on the past that's brilliant there you go there you go some some kid needs to translate that into like millennial gen z talk like yo fam it's lit when you're yourself [ __ ] you know or something just so everybody gets it because i think it's a little too heavy-handed sometimes but it's all brilliant here we go the cat creature of habit it loves the warmth of the familiar upset its routines disrupted space and it will grow unmanageable and psychotic jesus is this vinny jasmine placate it by supporting its rituals if change is necessary deceive the cat by keeping the smell of the past alive place objects familiar to it in strategic locations okay so they're saying don't get don't get too crazy with the change right that's like yeah like when a new boss comes in and all of a sudden they start firing everybody and making all these changes the people your employees are going to hate you they're going to hate just be like hey i like i like a lot of stuff what the old guy did yeah or girl or whatever it is i like what they did the they be i like oh cause you can't say transgender the trans um jenna's running for governor oh she's gonna get my vote she's a republican and she loves trump oh i thought bruce was the runner a [ __ ] murdering republican that's going to win the state of california but that's the truth that she's probably going to win because i mean i would think because people are in this state are going to feel like well i can't not vote trans then i'm not appreciating translations that's oh that's what i want to get to by the way this one i want to get to real quick is we were talking about before when you said over the asians whatever listen black lives matter right that whole thing black lives matter a year ago if you said all lives matter you're done people are getting fired for all lives matter but now look at where we are stop the asian hate trans lives matter this one it's become all lives matter right before our eyes it's all lives matter without you saying it everybody else just got on board so boom here we are with all lives matter and everyone's like no it's this this so it just depends at what point in history they want to come after the [ __ ] or not because the truth is it's all [ __ ] and you know the world changes so quick it keeps changing and it's hard to keep up and then they yell at old people it was like i don't know the terms now i thought it was person of color like no it's bipac old content it's like sorry i don't have twitter or clubhouse when people ask me what college i went to i say buy poc puck i'm like i graduated from bypoc they're like they go [ __ ] you boomer and you're like okay well now you're just putting them in a group now this is other groups you're slurring them now it doesn't matter here we go pimp's got something up what is this lgbt is this one of elon musk's new kids names what is this lesbian gay by okay so lgbtqq ip2 saa stands for lesbian gay bisexual transgender questioning queer intersex pansexual two-spirit androgynous and asexual two-spirit is a term used by some indigenous north americans to describe those who fulfill a traditional third gender ceremonial role the local democracy reporting service said this is what the guy maxie was remember we had we had a guest on the show max he was a he's like o'hare and makeup guy that i know i hear he said he's like uh he's a two spirit he's a two-spirited indigenous spirit yeah he's a two-speed he doesn't know what he is he said every day i wake up and i'm a different one of the letters whoa oh man that's gotta be all that's so exhausting i just you know jerk off to whatever gets me going that day it's me dude yeah whether it's a relative or or or a hobo what do you know that's how i feel it's like sometimes i'm watching like you know like whatever like lesbian porn sometimes i'm watching porn that looks like my wife and then the other day i was i jerked off to wade boggs because i was just i was just i was just reminiscing about the good old yankee days when he was riding around the horse and i just he was turning me on his bounce butt bouncing her up in those pinstripes i missed baseball yeah you know yeah well it's trying to skew younger and i've jerked off to your wife as well so yeah it's all full circle flip it but yeah pansexual that's somebody who doesn't want the pandemic to end peter pansexual doesn't it feel like some people uh that's somebody who [ __ ] peanut butter but doesn't it feel like some people are like uh they don't want this to end they want to keep the sadness going they want to keep the trauma going you're like what are we doing we got to get out of this here's the thing here and again here this is just my point of view you know i'm a [ __ ] you know me i'm a dumb [ __ ] whatever same but so we're not you know whatever we have fun but we you know spew our opinions whatever but you know we're not jordan peterson's over here but you know i don't think about it so critically i don't think about the 10 000 things but it's like you know like this pandemic right so many people now have had an excuse as to why they weren't doing well in life as to why why i have been failing now because kind of the playing field was level for a little while it's like oh my job is closed or i can't do this or i can't whatever field you're in so now they want that they're like oh but once the world opens up again i have to go back to being a loser i have to go back to feeling like i didn't accomplish anything so let me make sure that this stays even where nobody can do anything and everybody's upset because what happens if we open the doors and flip the light switches on now i have to look in the mirror again and be like [ __ ] i live in my mom's basement i don't have the money right i'm 40 years old you know i i i want i only have money for half the trans surgery you know right you know like what am i supposed to do so so i think i think that's what and that's what i think at least in comedy that's what i saw a lot of people doing is going after each other because you're like oh man like you're now have to face the reality of it's like you know so far this just hasn't been working for you and listen yeah at times it wasn't working for me but of course i just you know listen that's pushed through once you have i you know i got kids once you know i have two kids third on the way like once you have kids it's like you really either gotta like i gotta find a way to make it and what i've chosen because my family's you know uh uh counting on me or i have to step away and be like i can't i gotta leave this behind it didn't work it sucks but my life's not about me anymore it's about you know getting my kids to where they need to be so because my whole goal is i want my child to have a better life than i had so that's what i focus on but a lot of people don't have kids or a wife or a boyfriend or a husband to fall back into so then they just they just get and they attack you because they want you to be as unhappy as they are unhappy as them man and it's like once you're happy it's like i realize like that's how i know i know like nobody's like maybe all the way happy all the time or all works in progress but i feel like if you ask me hey are you happy i would say yes because i don't see anybody getting something that's making them happy it doesn't make me feel anything other than happiness for that person i don't feel jealousy i don't feel like hey why do they have that not me because i'm happy with what i got so i'm like yeah go dude you can go go you could be the host of the tonight show tomorrow i'd be like dude i could write a pilot called the chris the stefano show it gets picked up and they hire mark norman to be the lead i'd be like great i'm gonna get the money on the back end i mean yeah my family's going to eat like happy for mark you know everybody wins everybody all about trying to prop each other up help each other hang out have a good time with jerk off the murder hornets no you don't care you don't yeah you don't care so it's all it's all [ __ ] it's [ __ ] and our priorities are out of whack like fat people die from covet but nobody wants to call you fat so we'd rather not call you fat and let you die sure you know but we gotta sometimes you gotta be a little mean or do the right thing it's that's what child birth and all that is all about is like you know you go hey you can't have magic spoon every day and the kid goes i want it i want it you go you can't you can the kid cries but it's the best thing for the kid right but if you are gonna have a cereal magic spoon is a good alternative it's keto friendly yeah it's only it's got no sugar and it's got 17 grams of protein what do you guys think we need bullying as a country i don't think it's natural it sucks i was bullied you know i cried a lot i'm gay but like i think it's it's part of human nature yeah i think because then it's like what if there's no bullies they're like what am i fighting for who am i fighting to get past it's like but b i think being a bully you know gives you like a little bit of like that sense of urgency where you know i'm like hey you know i listen when i started playing basketball i you know granted not that i was [ __ ] division three so it's like you know it's like it might as well be handicapped but i still like excelled for division three athletes i played and the reason why i practiced so much and took a thousand jump shots a day and worked on my ball handling is because when i was you know a little bit younger that the kids were older than me would bully me and pick me last or hit me in the head with the ball and be like you suck and give me wedgies and make me blow them like that and then i was like every day when i was in that gym or like my father was grabbing my rebounds or helping me i was you know i wasn't saying it out loud but in my head i was like you know [ __ ] these guys like i'm gonna show up one day and then you know what's interesting about drive and motivation and i think it happens again with everybody is by the time i was so much better than them and was excelling past them and then you know they were in the park smoking weed and drinking beers and doing stuff by the time i got to the point where i was clearly i was the one getting the scholarships i was the one you know excelling at things i didn't care all the anger about that was over i had dissipated all that anger and energy into putting it into the work to get past them and once i was past them i didn't even care anymore i was like i'm not even gonna i don't you know five years before i was like i'm gonna rub it in their face and i was imagining this day when i would score 40 points on my bully's head and then those things happened and i just kind of felt i didn't care i'd be like right let's go out and get beers let's eat pizza like i'm not mad at you anymore you conquered it it's almost like you got it for yourself and you're good you don't even need to win you just need to do it for you yeah man i just needed to do it for me and i think that's a lot of things it's like i agree by the time you get to the thing you're motivated at you don't probably don't even care i know and you're still not happy i mean i mean look look at us look at us right now if if ten years ago when i first met if i would say hey mark you're doing this so all you're doing you got sold-out shows you're adding shows you're making money you bought an apartment in the west village you're you've pretty much met your heroes with seinfeld you would say dude i i i would think i'd be so happy yeah but now but look at you more and more and then you gotta get into the theaters and i'm you know tv but i'm saying if just i told you that you'd be you'd be like you're right you're right sitting on the podcast with glass on hungover because you drank yourself into a depression yeah yeah you know i know you're like ah how come i don't have what that guy has you're right you're right but we all do it if you would do it of course listen i'll say it once i've said it a thousand times i'll say it again magic spoon is the best cereal i've ever in my life it tastes like all the cereals we used to love as kids except zero grams of sugar 13 grams of protein four net carbs only 140 calories per serving and it's keto friendly so we can you know taste the cereal it tastes just like when we were kids but it's for adults really because we're not getting fat off it i'm actually getting better shape i swear to god there's been multiple times i've went to the gym and instead of getting a protein shake i've just come back and eaten a bowl of magic spoon i swear to god it's not even i'm not even kidding i have eight boxes of magic spoon in my kitchen right now when it gets down to six i order eight more because i always need to have magic spoon as soon as homeless pimp comes into my house he starts eating magic spoon my daughter started eating my magic spoon the other day i almost freaking disowned her i almost told her she was adopted because i was like give me back my cereal so if you just go to magicspoon.comcast you have to go put that in the url com slash chaos and then use the promo code chaos five dollars off your order get the variety pack i mean they're not telling me to say that but that's what i like you got coco frosted they got the fruity flavor and the peanut butter which is my favorite i love the peanut butter put a up bananas in it yum yum yum magic spoon dot com slash chaos use the promo code chaos five dollars off pimp said they have a mac and cheese flavor so if you want to go wild and try that go ahead but for me it's about the peanut butter and the cocoa that's what i like and i'm telling you the the flavors are awesome and the frosted is just great i mean the frosted is just listen if i'm being honest with you i love magic spoons so much any flavor for me is frosted cause i jizz in it all magicspoon.com chaos promo code chaos five dollars off i swear to god i love this cereal even if they stopped sponsoring the show one day i would still go buy the cereal it's the best magicspoon.com slash chaos i gotta talk really low right now because my family's sleeping upstairs and i would be able to talk at the top of my lungs if they were just wearing raycon earbuds if they were wearing raycon earbuds they wouldn't hear anything but the soothing sound of whatever music they're playing but instead they're going rayconless so now i have to whisper like asmr and get weird in here and whisper my dad's sitting right off camera because if i talk any louder than this my family's gonna come down and beat the [ __ ] out of me but raycon earbuds if you want an earbud first of all it's wireless shout out it's amazing wherever you go these puppies go with you i've been you know trying to be a chrissy fit lately and get go on long runs and i've been using the raycon earbuds they they match seamlessly to my bluetooth i put them in it doesn't matter how much sweat or how wet my ears get i got more ear sweat than the average guy they never mess up the raycon earbuds are great they're a great gift they come with cool packaging they you charge them in a wireless charging port it's so crazy i mean if i'm gonna be honest with you the only problem i have with them is because they're only earbuds is sometimes my daughter takes them and puts them in her dolls ears and i can't find them but for the most part they're the best and here's the thing all you got to do raycon offering 15 off all products just you have to go to the website's a little tricky here's what you need to do go to buy raycon dot com slash chaos that's b u y r a y c o n dot com slash chaos and you're gonna get 15 off but you have to go to buy raycon dot com slash chaos i mean ray j is in charge of the company if you don't want to support ray j then who do you want to support because i support ray j okay i support two groups of people one i can't say two ray j ray j melissa etheridge all these celebrities i think snoop dogg's involved with this everybody's involved with this go to get the raycon earbuds they're cheaper 15 off buy rakon.com chaos i'm telling you it's the best pressure you can ever have i'm going to put them in my ears when i go upstairs tonight because my girlfriend's going to yell at me when i started comedy the first time i did stand up in 2000 uh the first open mic i did was 2009 the maui taco with the shot remember hector louise hell yeah he's still alive no i think he is well he's not returning my calls yeah so so like all i ever wanted to do the only thing i ever wanted to do was i wanted to just be able to get paid one time to do something yeah i remember and now it's like now it's like you'll turn down gigs for money where you're like what nobody would have went are you yeah because crazy i think that's a lesson i think that goes beyond comedy that's just a human being thing is but i think that's what the ball up the hill the boulder up the hill sisyphus you got to do it yeah but how yes if you had syphilis many times you don't hear about people getting syphilis that's the old school it's like scurvy scurvy dude it's benjamin franklin and mark norman those are the only siphies it's the only zippys i've ever heard of yeah oh i love a curable std yeah very exciting well you know syphilis you know if you would have got syphilis before penicillin you know how you would have went out right so here's the thing about history maybe this is the christopher stefano segment is um dementia i think it eats the brain it eats the brain it goes up your spinal column column by column like a lateral columbine and columbine and eat your brain and that's why a lot of people when they say oh king george the mad king or king henry went mad or so and so man now they look back scientists think oh they probably must have met syphilis here we go syphilis can invade the nervous system at any stage of infection and causes a wide range of symptoms including headache altered behavior difficulty coordinating muscle movements paralysis sensory deficits and dementia i have all that yeah yeah dude imagine one of them was joke writing all norman's bits got tight when he got siffy the spine the right way hit the spine speaking of bullying there homeless is uh the the weird thing is all the anti-bullying people are really bullies they bully the [ __ ] out of you and you're like it's kind of like the defund the police people are very like police stop saying that don't do that that's against the rules dude it's like you look at you look at people's tweets right you look all these people that are very loud i forgot the girl's name but the micro scene had one at her um um but all these people all and she's just one example there's many examples of this sure where somebody goes after you they say blah blah blah and then all you got to do is take 20 minutes and go back into their tweets and you'll find all the bad stuff because the truth is is they were always bullies so 10 years ago they were a bully tweeting racist things and saying hurtful things to people and now just 10 years later it's reversed being a bully is actually being woke like being over woke is like what you're really doing is you're actually bullying you were always a bully you just disguised it now in this act of righteousness but your act of righteousness is bullying yes you know because listen i think being woke is great i think in the beginning it was good people wake up realize stuff that's great but like anything else it's now it's over correct it's like peta like hey look we don't want to hurt animals i got it like start this pita thing but then you step on an ant and people go you're going to hell i'm going to kill you put them in jail it's like well you went too far you blew it it goes back to you can't even have discourse you can't even you can't even say anything that's going to like disagree with anybody or if you even go to a group that's you know not white and say hey can you teach me about this to be like that's your [ __ ] you need to learn it and i'm like yeah i don't know if we're gonna get anywhere questions for you guys do you think america would exist without bullying it's founded on bullying no what do you mean oh like because all countries well our last president was a quite a bully you know it was we we enjoy it and we get behind the board look at the bully's always got a crew you know yeah you feel safe with a bully i mean i i you know you don't like the guy but it's uh they get [ __ ] done they get [ __ ] done dude with the mafia it's the mafia stuff and listen people are and the thing is though people always turn like besides your family and a few close close friends people are returning even this country you know the way this country was first you know when we were the first colonies 13 colonies you know britain britain helped us they were like hey you're like a little brother they were because france was up in like you know the canadian area which is right you know right to the north of us at that time they would the french was always trying to they were killing us and they were stealing our crops and they wanted the 13 college for themselves so britain said hey you know as long as we're here [ __ ] you you know [ __ ] you france you know this is our little brother yeah and then you know things happened and then we started to get mad at britain and then all of a sudden france is helping us beating up britain and it's like the things just flip so quickly it's just 15 years now all of a sudden the people who are the bullies are on our side so it's like all these things change so that's why i don't get bent out of shape with all this stuff even if somebody attacks me i'm like dude in 30 minutes you'll be on to the next thing i know like you're just like but people get so they they spend waste their whole lives seeing something on the news that's never going to affect them it's on the other side of the planet or the country i'm like dude look outside is it sunny right now i know the birds water and food who cares feed your kid you spent nine hours on facebook you could have learned the xylophone by now you're [ __ ] you're wasting your life exactly on earth for one little blip 400 million sperm didn't make it you made it and you're on [ __ ] twitter you want kids or no i think i do yeah yeah well are you gonna start pumping them in there i gotta get going i'm already 61. you know i gotta what are you 36 yeah so i got to get it going no but yeah but i feel like guys can have kids yeah but i don't want to be the guy who can't pick him up and uh you know he's dementia out and bideny you know i i don't syphilis yeah you never know well dude i just saw a thing this is the the last the last um person whose father fought in the civil war just died like a year ago do you understand how crazy that is so some guy who who just died a year ago i think he was 102 years old when he died his father had him when his father was 88 and it's when his father when the 88 year old father was 15 he fought in the civil war so that there was a person go living just until a year ago whose dad fought in the civil war wow like men can you know there we go helen jackson was by most every account the last of the widow of she was the last widow of the civil war ah she [ __ ] the guy yeah she [ __ ] the civil war vet got it yeah so you know what homeless pimp looks like a civil war uh a soldier he does yeah he'd be i i would say and and the pimp the pimp he would fight for the union but he'd have confederate tendencies that's right yeah i can see that i can see that yeah and then you get gangrene but where you're from in new orlea in new orleans do they still have civil war stuff up there like oh yeah oh yeah confederate stuff still statues are up right battle of new orleans i don't know about that that's a good question i think a lot of that came down but you know what's interesting too it's like with the people who want to rip down the statues most of them are like all like you know like they want to rip down the stats and they finally get the government to do it but they're too weak to do it like they're all vegans and [ __ ] and they don't they're all so they're like skinny twerps so they always need some like blue collar republican to actually rip down the stairs it always was ironic and poetic for me i'm like okay yeah but you actually can't do it so let's just get the guy you hate to do it right right well now it's weird because you can't tell who's the bad guy anymore like i you know we used to love columbus now we hate columbus and then it makes you wonder it's gonna change now it's like steve jobs and bill gates and all these guys we look at who are like these uh you know trend setters and everything in a hundred years it's gonna be like steve jobs hit his dog the confederacy the confederate confederate statues i i get uh oh the hell vinnie just slammed is everything okay what did i do oh did you what happened is she coming down the stairs she's not coming down the stairs you sure okay that was a question my dms i told you to delete my dm [ __ ] guy you'll know we'll know if we could tell if if my clothes start falling into the pool there we'll turn the camera and we'll see well she's lighting my new merch on fire [Laughter] um uh you know even the statue stuff you know it's like i get the confederacy you know they lost the war i get it oh whatever but like other people stan it's like dude people who lived i mean look at us people some a guy like george washington who lived in the late 1700s what he thought he was doing wasn't necessarily he didn't think it was wrong either look look look i was watching the the movie waiting the other day waiting why don't i just rewatch that too it's on netflix it came out in 2005. in the first five minutes of the movie they say hey if you're working here you know we play a little game where you look at another guy's dick yeah you get kicked in the ass for being it's like yes that was just 15 years ago and he's trying to [ __ ] the hostess who's like 11. you can't even make a movie like that anymore so imagine 250 years ago it's like so what do you do you cancel ryan reynolds in the movie now like right you know what i mean like i i don't understand i bet he thinks about that at night his head's on the pillow and he's like oh that waiting movie was [ __ ] nuts dude no ryan reynold what i love about ryan reynolds so much is not only is he an absolute hottie with a body so uh he'll get softly kissed on his lips but he he like leans into stuff like he tweeted out i saw his f he always makes me laugh this tweet when he's when he got the cover 19 vaccine he goes just got my 5g so you know so it's like so he does things where he's like he plays into he's like i know the hypocrisy of it but i'll still do the stuff i really i i actually really like ryan reynolds i like him too funny-ass twitter man he did apologize for having a a wedding at us at a slave how would he call plantation and uh that felt a little more like i'm just getting ahead of this than i actually give a [ __ ] yeah which i get i get he doesn't want to go do a [ __ ] press conference and apologize it was a plantation right did he think they're beautiful homes on beautiful green and grounds i mean i don't i get it i grew up around there i was gonna say like in new orleans plantations are like bodegas they're just everywhere right they're on every corner i had slaves it was great it's what it is it was great i mean they're beautiful places and i get it there's history but there's horrible history everywhere i mean every step you take is an indian burial ground or a pedophile house or whatever it is it's wherever wherever you go in the world there's issues man like you know i get it and listen we got problems in america of course there's problems in america there's going to be problems everywhere of course you think the problems are worse here than they are in [ __ ] pakistan no everybody's trying to get in here obviously something we're doing something right i love china i love that where everything's like with the chinese it's like they gotta they take a section of the population that are muslim and shave their heads and put them in concentration camps today i know you can see pictures of it on twitter they the chinese government instagram live streams they don't give a [ __ ] not to mention the [ __ ] kids making nikes and unicorns and all that [ __ ] this company monitors prisoners in xinjiang it won an innovation award and an event sponsored by amazon so what does this mean everyone's all angry because they gave an award to a company that just is being terrible to prisoners sure it's like but this is what i mean like you know like these people they're all animals so it's like it's all just eating each other i mean everybody just eventually it's all pariah behavior they eat each other so that's why i like just i do my thought is i i do comedy that's what i like to do it's cathartic for me hopefully my comedy can help people laugh and forget about stuff yes whatever that's why i do it if you don't like it that's fine don't come to the show if you like it it's helping you that's great but other than that it's like if somebody else is doing something like i don't care like if somebody makes a racist joke it's like i'm not gonna get on the thing and be like [ __ ] you it's like that's that's their thing the deal i'm gonna buy a ticket yeah it sounds great i mean look racism is bad we know that that's not comedy tell me why it's good and now we got some now we got some yeah just make it interesting i mean we're we're coming out we're getting a babysitter we're parking we're paying for drinks tell me something kooky and wacky and entertaining at least yeah here's what you know what's great about this podcast as you guys can't see but in the background my mom is here from new york and my stepson and my daughter and we they weren't supposed to be here because mark was supposed to come tomorrow now we have to do the last 20 minutes of the podcast under the guidance of my mother so that's what it is so now we're doing a show but hey guess what but remember remember a few years ago caroline's i don't know if you remember this we did the march madness uh competition which they used to do with this caroline's comedy club it's like the first thing that like i ever did like the first time like i ever got my name in the paper or like everybody got like appreciated by like a comedy club owner but they starts out with 64 comics and you all do a minute joke or 30 second joke and it's like the audience votes claps who's moving on who's moving on or actually no at that point i think it was a panel of judges it was yes it was the owner of the of the club caroline hirsch the lewis veranda and then they would have like an agent or whatever and then so that's how you move on so like wow i forgot about this i was 100 like completely like brand new into comedy been doing it a year or two like killing it though i knew some of these guys but like nobody like i never like the clubs nobody had ever an agent never heard of me manager never heard of me but i went all the way to the elite eight of this tournament in the bracket system it's a bracket i kept winning i kept winning and and winning this thing and i was like oh [ __ ] like i've got and it was the final eight was like me norman sam moral i think nick uh this guy nick cobb oh yeah robinson was there and then i forgot the other ones but anyway my mom said you were one of her favorites she always she always remembered you you sam moral she liked and then harrison greenbaum well he's a gay yeah no he's a nice kid but that was a wild time and it was me and you have to get the end i think yeah well then one year i got all the way to the championship and it was me versus norman and norman won the scumbag yeah he beat me that was a big deal that was like one and two right there yeah i forgot what you won nothing crazy right look at like 200 bucks and a fleshlight or something ridiculous you know but you know how cheap caroline's is but yeah that was a big deal and i had like a little i got a little misty after yeah oh i just heard my mom whisper what's the flashlight send her one i got a million of them i had a question for mark what's the worst comedy gig you've ever lived what's the what the worst comedy gig oh my god the worst gig ever probably like i've done a million corporates and i've told this story before but i got this big gig because seinfeld shouted me out and once seinfeld i was at the mets game he shouted you out at that i was crazy wow how crazy is that i was at the freaking mets game that he have you told the story about how he doesn't call you anymore oh yeah yeah well we did it we did it on uh we did i i have a for the 25 members at patreon.com christy comedy we do a thing called the chris and eddie show i call edibles eddies where i take an edible with homeless pimp and then they wait 30 minutes and then i do the show on eddie's we call it the christian eddie show and i told the story i started reading texts on the patreon from seinfeld oh my god that's wild that's wild dude and i was like oh boy so pimp was like put it at the 25 level that's how we thought of the idea because i was like we got to put it out right he was like yeah but dude you started reading seinfeld texts oh and i was like what do we do he's like what if he put at the 25 dollar level i was like all right yeah let's give her a name and he was like well you took edibles i was like the christianity oh you get to the 30 it's cosby text oh yeah yeah dude oh yeah i'll start yeah absolutely yeah so you know it's crazy he's shouting me out whatever and it didn't do [ __ ] for my career i thought oh i'll be selling out the next day didn't make a blip yeah i mean it was good for me and my mom fingered herself and all that but other than that it was hey mom oh sorry she knows she's done it and uh yeah so uh what was i saying sorry your mom's distracting me yeah yeah yes so but what it did do was these corporates hit me up like who's this whiz kid that seinfeld's talking about you know so i got hired by all these giant pharmaceutical afford motor money money money money money money was a good year yeah and i bombed every single one of them but this one in particular they bought me a tuxedo they got me a limo to philadelphia in this beautiful ballroom it was a drug company it was like the the oscars for a drugs right for like pills and pfizer and all this [ __ ] and it was a three-hour thing i was supposed to do 15 minutes up top and actually you know jimmy kimlin do the awards show sure ellen degeneres whatever it was billy crystal so i bombed the first 15 minutes this is like the biggest gig of my life huh how many people i don't know 600 in a ballroom tuxedo that's like oh that's the guy who owns routers and that's the guy who invented the iphone harvey weinstein yeah all those guys were there the whole thing yeah al gore it was crazy oh my god i know and so i gotta do all the you know the best uh antidepressant goes to do to die you know all the drugs that sound like black women's names and so i'm in the tuxedo i go up they hate me already i gotta eat dinner with them too and then they go mark norman the host and i go up there there's a big podium and everything and the first 15 minutes i die zero zero and i'm doing tonight's show like materials if you're if you have smart to do his a stuff it's killer shot oh thanks yeah and obviously clean and all that so i was like man this is a tough group but i did one joke about a vibrator but it's very clean it's just i mentioned the word vibrator once i see a woman get up in the back uh she walks out i go oh whatever she's probably menstruating or miscarriaging whatever it is and then i go back uh you know to my act blah blah blah bombing whatever then we go into the awards show and i'm bringing up oh this guy won he comes up says his little thing with the trophy i make fun of him and then they didn't like that so at one point somebody's giving a speech and i have to i have a moment off to the side and this lady in the headset's like get over here get over it she's like you pissed off the ceo's wife she's furious she's chewing him out in the lobby uh i don't know what's gonna happen but it ain't pretty and she's kind of crying a little bit i'm like what is going on so i go back up there i'm like hey the award for uh the best diarrhea pill goes to this guy so he comes out here and then they bring me back they're like you're fired he's pissed the ceo is yelling at me he's like how could you say that my wife is furious you're such a misogynist i'm like what are you talking about this is all tonight show stuff yeah and he i was like i hope for seinfeld he's like you're a disgrace you should be ashamed of yourself they fired me they made me return the tuxedo they gave the stack of cards to some random indian guy and he had to host the rest and they sent me home what did you get paid i had to fight for it but i got like half the money shout out judy marmelle yeah that was a nightmare dude i know it was a long story no no no and could you because you know what here's the thing here's the thing is in comedy with with a corporate gig like that first of all it goes that way for us for comedians for your peers we love it if we were in the back of the room we'd probably be dying laughing i know because nothing makes a comedian laugh harder than when other good comedians bomb right because you're bombing you know for bad community bombs you're like ah you know i want to get her up this poor guy out whatever it sucks but when a comedian like mark a great comic bombs it's nothing's funnier because it's like you know it's just like we're like these are great jokes and the crowd just sucks and you're like hey where are you from and you're sweating and you're just doing dumb and you're bringing out your notepad and we all do it you know i've bombed plenty of times and people are just laughing you know bombing in front of colin quinn when he's just throwing you in the back one time i bombed in front of robert kelly and i just heard him from the top of the balcony in the fat buck he just goes you stink a hidden thing in that is when you bomb a gig like that not only did you lose that opportunity but so many rich people in that crowd you could have made five hundred thousand dollars over the course of two years because this guy's picking you up because they don't want to have a bigger dick contest the ceo of pfizer is like oh that norman guy i got it for my birthday party and then the ceo of modernist says [ __ ] you yeah i'm gonna get it for my birthday party now and it just keeps going and going and going but i'm sure there's you know that was a bomb but i'm sure some of the other ones were great no they're all pretty bad i did one there's another one so a guy saw me the seller a hedge fund guy goes i'll give you five this is six years i give five grand to roast my company i get five grand the most money i've ever seen in my life he's like come up to westchester i go to this golf course it's ferraris and bugattis it's the richest people on the planet and i get there and he gave me a cheat sheet like a rap sheet of all the dirt on everybody so i go there he's smoking a big cigar he's got a scotch he's like this hot guy with slicked back hair and he goes all right you're on i go up white tablecloth everybody's loaded families moms dads the whole thing the whole company is there and i go hey richie and he goes i go we all know you're gay his wife's like what the [ __ ] are you talking about you were gay so they're fighting i was like oh that's a bomb hey uh hey reggie yeah yeah hey we all know you're a coke and he's like shut the [ __ ] up it's all bombing everything's backfiring nothing's working hey uh sid we all know you're cheating on your wife she's like i knew it the [ __ ] plate flips over dying the guy in the back's going so then i go into my act which they you know they're like hey what's the deal with uber yeah they already hate me you know yeah and i could see waiters like oh this is bad so i ended up doing like 12 minutes supposed to do an hour and he cut the mic he pushed me off and he chewed me out on the deck outside but you got the five grand i got the five great that's all that matters dude you got the five grand but it doesn't matter yeah dude those hail but it's i wanted to ask you this and again i know this is like talking about comedy but i think it just applies to everybody's life and career no matter what you're doing in your life do you ever miss like like the even though you know making money now and doing great and i said get to know your heroes and traveling all over the world do you ever miss like you ever reminisce about the times when like we were just doing ochi's lounge and running there was really no pressure in the world you just did the laugh lounge and then sean donnelly's ochi's lounge room and then you did you know maybe the uh um you know all on 14th street louise or just run into the open mics and you're getting on stage for a bringer show or handing out flyers to get on stage at 2 a.m at broadway yeah and there was times where like i would like it was innocent it was adorable pop out of bed like so excited when there was really like i wasn't i was paying to get on stage i wasn't doing anything totally i didn't reach any of my goals and now like you know we're always trying to reach goals but like now i again have some of the things in my career that the 10 year old open mic chris chris would have been like never even dreamed i could have what i have but i still think about those times yeah yeah so we go through that i go through that all the time because now it's all money and what about your agent did you get that gig what about that audition and it's the fun is gone now it's a lot of uh just business business business which is good and important and we're trying to make a living but there was a purity to like oh i got this new bit work and it killed it oh handlings man you tell your friend he's like man that is a good bit and then you go on somebody brings you on the road i'm opening for tom papa oh my god we get free food in the green room yeah all that [ __ ] was amazing it's interesting too because you know like when i wasn't getting like when i was opening for someone or or or you know featuring or even even very you know early stage like headlining like the currency was because the money was nothing you know you make almost nothing you almost lose money going out to some of these gigs sure but the currency was standing out after the show and like saying hello to the people and greeting them and you know did they think i was funny or or or did i did i make them happy and and and that was like how i was getting paid like people saying hey you know i really enjoyed that show you know even if they were negative towards it it was just currency where i was like wow this is it now that i'm actually making money i don't even go out and meet the people because i'm like i don't want to talk to anybody and there's something sad about that where i think about that a lot i'm like man the old me used to go out there and give everybody hugs and kisses and who cares about selling the merch but now i'm like i don't want to go out there because i want them focusing on the merch it's like don't become that guy don't like that guy just go out there who cares if you're kevin hart or right you know what we were 10 years ago right the people are everything yeah yeah and you got to be grateful you got to sit back and this is amazing just this camera alone is probably a couple thousand dollars you could have never had that yes absolutely you gotta be grateful and you have fans that like you yeah that's what it's all about and you gotta you gotta be nice to them and you gotta meet them and you gotta support them like they support you even with covet i gotta be honest like even though i know there's rules and whatever like even like you know my my girl you know her name's jasmine we call her vinnie on the show even vinnie is like hey like if you take a picture with somebody outside or at a show you got to have your mask on like you can you can get hurt i got in trouble for that but i'm already kind of like i don't care it's like then i'll make my own choices man like it's me not having a mask on killing your grandmother that's what they say they go well you're you're spreading it or whatever yeah but here's the thing though i talk about this on stage but here's the thing where it's all about opening the country keeping the country close for the grandparents it's like my grandfather's racist race it's like i thought we were trying to get rid of the racists you ever you know if my grandfather had a twitter it'd be brutal i'd love to follow that oh my god maybe i should start tweeting as my grandpa that'd be great dude let's make the ghost but i will say that the [ __ ] is when they see with the nomads taking the photos just email me and go hey man what's up with this you're going to hurt people you can hurt yourself but instead it's blasting it out and making it public and you're like you don't care you just want to make it public yeah you want to what they all what they want us to take is by you them taking you down is more looks at them right so they're using you as a vehicle to get more which is the most sinister thing on the planet it's horrible yeah i'm a big fan and i know you bombed opening for seinfeld whatever happened oh yeah man well we're still cool and i think it actually made us close can you still talk to him yeah we text you all the time we text probably you know once every two weeks ah so he's not i thought maybe he didn't text me because he was he doesn't get into he didn't have service or he got it i thought maybe he still have the same we'll compare after the we'll compare numbers we'll keep it off the camera but is this still his number here let me check here yeah hold up put it on let me get mine just yeah take a look yeah we'll make sure it's not on oh wait he's calling right now oh no hold on um maybe because i think maybe that's why maybe because the texts haven't been going through you're a digit off they keep saying not delivered so i think that's what it is info man just seeing his name on my phone is still bananas what do you think is that is it the same that's it ah i'm sorry man i'm sorry i'm sorry god it hurts so when i sent the last text i showed jasmine and she goes did you send that already i said yeah and she goes why would you do that oh really i said he sent like a really nice text i said two you know two i sent four paragraphs of text oh that's what it is and she was like do you have any idea she was like she was like what about like girls she's like do you think i would have ever texted you back if you sent me a text like that i was like no i've never sent you a text like that she was like that he's a it's like going after a hot girl what are you doing it is the same feeling i'm like oh i'm deleting i'm checking yeah spell checker yeah it's terrifying she called her mom she was like you don't believe she's like we blew it she's like now we're gonna be saying this rocha festive brooklyn apartment because he blew the text to seinfeld you got that right yeah yeah i'm still worried about meeting kevin hart you know i'd like to meet him but he i say his name every 10 seconds he probably hates me in his mansion you'll get sued for that eventually maybe hopefully that'll be good all right so i'm sorry go tell the seinfeld story oh no i'll just be quick but uh he's got a you know he's got a strict regiment with the opening you know you got to do 15 minutes clean no clock no light and as a layman out there that is hard to do because you just have to time it in your head and hope you're on the nose think about any if you're not in comedy think about 15 minutes think about if you can do anything without looking for 15 minutes on the dot if i said hey just talk freedom of conscious freedom of consciousness just do talk for 15 minutes on the dot see if you could do it yeah it ain't easy you want to do well and you're judging laughs and you're you're you feel his breath behind you so there's a lot of plate spinning here folks and uh i think i went a little short because i was i thought long would be worse you don't be the guy going too long what am i a black comic so i i went short i think and i got off and he wasn't there he's not on the side of the stage and i'm like and i had to make an executive decision and there was a hispanic grip there hold on one second mark he wasn't so you already did your closure and said please welcome says jerry seinfeld no he does it like you go out there's a guy on the side of the stage on a god mic and he goes hey mark norman you go out do you do your 15. thank you good night you walk off and then they go ladies and gentlemen the lights go back down it's a big intro it's fun the people love it yeah he's very popular yeah so uh i got back out there and he wasn't there so the guy on the god mic he's just some old guy with white hair who's scared of getting fired too i mean the king jew will ruin your career so he's like uh he's like oh i was like what do i do what do i do he's like i don't know this has never happened so we're back there going like ah and there's some hispanic grip playing a casino game on the phone and i go what do i do he goes you better go back out there and i go [Laughter] so i went back out because you can't leave an empty stage you know it's like a boat without a captain or whatever the hell it is yes i went out there and i was like hey folks and one you can see they're all like who's this douche he's back we hated you already you're back we're here to see the other guy with the tv show and the kramer and the george so i do a couple minutes and it went okay and one guy goes jerry j it's a mooc from long island i could tell i go hey shut it but it's a clean show so i couldn't sing it like i wanted to so uh i i do couple minutes i'm sweating bullets i got the back sweat i got anal leakage i go back out there and he's furious so then they bring him up and he goes up kills how do you know he's furious did you know he's fierce when he walked past you or yeah i was furious after the show you could feel both you could just feel it coming out of his coming out of his eyes you know when you're your girlfriend's mad yeah i've been there i've slept on your couch it's that same feeling and uh he came off and he you know we had some some stuff and he said uh what the hell don't ever go back out there blah blah and he just ran he just stormed off and usually we had like a thing after we talked about the show we have a bagel and a dreidel and he just uh got in the car and left and then i was like oh my god i'm in my suit i went home just stared at the wall all night i got no sleep i was gonna say your your life probably stood still oh yeah but then how long after did he finally reach back out to you and say hey like was it soon he hit me pretty early because i think he was like ah i booked this guy i got to see him again let me just make amends and and maybe i was a little mean or whatever the hell it was and uh that that really helped hill jerry will probably is the kind of guy who'll probably never do a podcast right like he just doesn't it's not i feel like the colin quinn and i talk all the time he's like i just don't want to do a podcast he's like i know there's money in it i know it'd be successful but he's like i just don't want to do it yeah those guys they they're just they don't want to do this i would tell him about content and [ __ ] in the green room he's like ah shut up young people with that [ __ ] i'm like well we don't all have a billion dollars in a porsche collection you know so uh we got to make it work yeah and that's [ __ ] great story while i'm how long after did you when did you touch base he texted the next day like at noon or something and i was like oh my god and i think we were cool like i showed up and we kind of talked about it and i think that actually jumped us up a friendship level in a weird way i mean i would have given my left dick to have that never happen but i think in a weird way it helped it's like when you get in a fight with your friend and of course you don't want to fight with your friend but it makes you closer comics love watching each other bomb but have you opened up for him again well covet hit right after yeah i don't know if he'd have me but maybe this covet will help me because he'll forget about that because it's a year ago blessing blessing i love that's it dude that's it man that's it covet that's the silver lining of covert we got yeah norman's back in with seinfeld oh you're your guy's telling something here the the the background's talking what are they saying um there's been a formal request for you both to text jerry right now oh shut up i can't do it we can't do it dude i'm already worried he's going to see this i know no well i if you look at the numbers nobody's really sees this ah you got great numbers no i do have pretty good numbers yeah killing it you can't yeah it we can't do it without the fans appreciate you so much mark where can people see i know that the people listening to the show already know and love mark norman are gonna go see him in the town in your town anyway but where will you be just just in case i got a ton of dates coming up mark marknormancomedy.com uh for the road dates tuesdays with stories we might be drunk with sam and check out out to lunch on netflix it's i mean oh geez on on youtube netflix wouldn't have me thank you i'm a failure he did it the right way and uh i'm chris d comedy.com and i'm telling you here's what i think i'm just gonna put this out there into the world i and this truly hasn't happened yet but i'm just putting it out there i smell in 2022 gonna be a little three headliner tour yourself mark norman andrew santino going to be coming to small theaters in arenas in a city near you put it out there in the world maybe tim dillon if he's not dead of aids is your mom still single thank you good night [Music] [Music]

Channel: chrisdcomedy

Views: 295,027

Keywords: chris distefano, chris distefano stand up, chris distefano comedian, chris distefano comedy, chris distefano podcast, comedy videos, comedy, comedian, pop culture, bad friends, tim dillon, funny, guy code, hey babe, bert kreischer, tom segura, sal vulcano, 2 bears 1 cave, andrew santino, whiskey ginger, bobby lee, joe rogan, your moms house, king and the sting, mark normand, stand up, jerry seinfeld, funny video, comedians, comedy cellar, comedy store, sam morril, lol, ymh

Id: wF73PsLGkTY

Length: 70min 41sec (4241 seconds)

Published: Tue May 04 2021

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