Jack Benny and Humphrey Bogart

thank you thank you very very much ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Lucky Strike program you know I really you like you laughs excuse me for laughing but I just spent the most wonderful half hour I've ever spent my life I was listening to my own radio show I don't know I was so comical you I said so many funny things oh I know what you're thinking you know but I believe I really believe that a man should be honest with themselves if there's anything I hate is when a comedian is great and won't admit it I've never met one like that and one thing about me lady I'm uh I really am you know if any other comedian if any other comedian has a bad show I'm the first one to admit I talk about it all the time but I oh I have my falls you fight about it I'm not perfect or anything I you know I'm too easygoing and I'm not overly ambitious but then after all I I don't want to be the you know the richest man in the world America is big enough for me but you know ladies and gentlemen tonight you know I announced three weeks ago that tonight Mary Livingston was going to be on my show you see but unfortunately we had a postponement because there was a big mix-up and everything you see when the producer asked Mary to be on my show I told Mary to ask for a lot of money you see you know I forgot that I was paying for so instead of Mary tonight we have Humphrey Bokke as our guest star and really I'm getting him fairly reasonable now toppy is on the screen you know what a tough guy knows nothing about business nothing well anyway this show that I'm going to do what is about yak I want to talk to you a minute what is it well I just heard that you talked with the producer and there's a possibility of my song being out of this show yeah well look Bob the reason for that is see this show is very very long you see and we had to make up our minds whether we take out your song or my jokes you see then we thought we would do what was best for the show oh well then my song is there no no Bob we felt that it would be much more important is he to leave in my jokes you mean your jokes are more important than my song yes yes my job stay in and your song goes out well that's like keeping the smog and throwing away Los Angeles we're keeping the small control your way Los Angeles pretty clever line isn't it yes what's in my next TV show I'm on TV five times a week I thought you were tired see that no look at Bob your song is out and that settled you see I'm running this show I'm the boss it's my show and I'm running it whether it's good bad or indifferent well that's what the critics said about your last show what said Bob was good Jack was bad and the audience was indifferent Bob go and get ready for the play well all right I can't understand he's the toughest guy to get along with you know he's only been with me a short time you know and the only reason I hired at all was because I wanted him you know I want him to introduce me to his brother bean I found out he didn't need to know well anyway as I said the reason the reason that I've got Humphrey Bogart on this show I won't tell you about the play that I'm gonna do with Humphrey Bogart it because my sponsor called me yesterday I believe it was and my spawn season off a nice fella my sponsor told me that he had a feeling you know he likes my show he likes my TV shows very very much but he had a feeling that I wasn't doing the the integrated commercials he said I wasn't making the middle commercials in the show important enough you know and after all hockey you know my sponsors paying the bills and everything and he has the privilege of making suggestions you see I don't have to take the suggestion the price I have the privilege of quitting but I don't want to abuse the privilege tonight tonight on this show in case you notice that we stress the commercial you know I'm doing it I'm doing it okay what's this I hear about you riding me out of the commercial on this show that well done Don look it wait am I gonna have trouble with you two you're very well man oh I very well may well the reason you're not doing the commercial see is because I have another very important way of doing it now just a minute jack what's more important about the commercial than the way I do it look done you don't fit into it this wheel I mean I mean hurting the script for the sake of your commercial is life is like it's like keeping the smart and throwing away when I say look don't you know what am i doing this commercial means still me now after all I'm not a funny man I don't tell jokes I'm not an actor I don't sing songs I don't lead a band what are you paying me for Don you're hanging yourself we'll talk about it later that's all the fella been with me 20 years I can't understand why I have so much trouble with everybody in my caste but everybody always complaining always unhappy I don't know maybe if I gave more money than now better they should be unhappy than me but anyway well we've got to get on now it's so ladies and gentlemen now tonight we're going to offer a real real dramatic play called baby face starring Humphrey Bogart on with the show this is the 24th precinct police station situated in the heart of New York's theatrical district this is the detective squad room here crime with its quick easy promise is shorn of its flimsy veneer and revealed in its sordid squalid reality to this room come people from all walks of life the flotsam and the jetsam the hoy and also the polloi a man you see at the typewriter detective sergeant crosby a man looking through the file standing behind crosby to his right which would be to your left on the screen or or to your right and his left or why anyway he's detective Wilson and he's to everybody's right and left you can't miss the men who just came in our detective O'Brien and a suspect he had just arrested well where'd you pick this one up O'Brien I picked him up in an alley my clothes trying to start a fire in a warehouse he may be that Firebug we've been looking for take him up and let the captain to have a look at it Brian was an honest problem we could tell that from the clothes he wore incidentally my name is lieutenant Benny I should be arriving at the office any minute oh here I come now I took off my hat and coat I hung him up on the hall tree Wilson and Crosby I had heard a funny story last night and I passed it on to the boys although I was a tough boss and a stickler for work I had a lot of charm and the boys love me hello precinct 24 yeah detective many speaking it's a minute 385 Madison Avenue a window pried open the screen loose no fingerprints must be the cat burglar all right we'll get him well the cat burglar again huh yeah the 15th tabby stole this week I cants afraid to go out at night blame tenant his officer Sweeney's reports you know he went over to Brooklyn to pick up that strip teaser the strip teacher that was four days ago and all but 20 wants to make sure she's guilty for he brings her in I try to arrest her myself but I couldn't get anything on better picks up the trial well slim fingers Sarah I caught her over at the automat she was lifting the nickels out of the slots again a you can go Burke I'll take care of her take your filthy hands off me alright alright don't holler is they the first time you've been pinched you're telling them black and blue hey lieutenant wasn't she in here about a month ago yeah she's the slickest pickpocket in the country operates all over town last time I rested her was at the zoo zoo yeah he picked a baby kangaroo out of its mother's pouch what made you do a silly thing like that maiya pocket is a pocket I'll make it easy on yourself and sign that confession maybe I'll give you a break oh no you don't I ain't signing nothing till I talk to my lawyer and besides I'm entitled to make one song cool these crooks know their rights alright go ahead hello sharing and this is Sarah yeah as they surely we can do me a favor get rid across to my apartment will ya the matter the key is under the mat and surely there's a pot roast on the stove in the kitchen that's right just lower the gas on it huh yes very low I won't be home for 90 days why did you call your lawyer my song they cut out I was typing out a report on slim finger Sarah when the door opened and there were detective Simmons and Ross they had brought in a vicious gunman a killer named babyface Bogart I didn't mind the applause he got on his entrance but I resented the fact that Crosby and Wilson joined in it looked like this time we had Bogart dead to rights according to Detective Simmons and Ross our little crook named blinky Mason had been shot to death they picked up Bogart a few yards from the scene of the crime with a smoking 45 in his hand Chloe sit down over there all right babyface start talking what do you know about blinky Mason I tell you I never heard a no blinky Mason who cares if he was raised in a tenement and his mother said he was a nice little boy or his teacher a sweet gray-haired old lady cried when he graduated and his brother is bretter on to owns a haberdashery store in Schenectady I don't know I don't even know his girlfriend a blonde Dana which an aircraft Factory there's boyhood Chum that ran away from home and I went to us straight wait a minute baby face if you're old blinky Mason how come you know so much about I seen it on this is your life what g-gee how I cried when they brought in the warden that he hadn't seen for 20 years no war yeah yeah hey hey you know they flew that guy all the way out from sensing by TWA maybe face you kill blinky Mason I'm going to get a confession out of you and how you gonna do that beat me hey Barry well me when Mason was knocked off you were standing there with a gun and listen to this I'm walking turn this thing off now what did you do with that gun now wait a minute before you start any rough stuff I'm a title one phone call a night well yes okay give me a dime and I'll run down to the drugstore oh you'll make that fool call right here where I can keep my eye on ya and save a dime yeah hello Shelly Shirley hey listen listen honey this is babyface yeah well I won't be home a little later oh that's too bad what were we going to have for dinner honey pot roast I could have told them that Daddy crib yeah yeah now listen listen Charlie I want you to do something for me you go on a living room and over but a fireplace and inside of the fireplace there's two loose board now listen you lift up those boards and you stick your arm in and inside there's a package yeah yeah you know that's my laundry listen I want to back by Friday why didn't you call your lawyer I don't like the way he does my shirts now look at you you killed blinky Mason did I didn't do it I got a witness oh yeah yeah I don't want to you guys thanks for lunch aqua lady oh you're not gonna leave me alone with this guy get over there sit down all right baby face good stop talking now I want to hear about that witness what about well I I don't know his name but he was then right alongside of me at the time of the murder oh he was it yeah yeah why was he doing well he said understanding that he he had a muffler well he yeah yeah yeah you know he was a curly-headed guy he was about five foot ten eeeh - he had a gray suit on and brown eyes oh yeah what color hair he was bald wait a minute you said he was a curly headed guy that's right no hair just a curly head I ain't buying that babyface stop say let's get back to that witness again what was he doing well he was he was holding the cigarette in his hand yeah what kind of a cigarette I said what kind of a cigarette well he was sir hi I ain't gonna talk I said what kind of a cigarette all right all right the Lucky Strike now we're getting somewhere and Lucky Strike eh what made you think it was a Lucky Strike I ain't talking what make you think it was a lot described because it was so wrong to find to fully pack to free and easy on a draw can you remember that Wilson are you kidding one more question babyface what was he doing with that cigarette he was peeling it Heelys a dajatol wasn't a banana because they let me taste it there was a Lucky Strike all right because Lucky's take bad regime oppression smooth all right what else nothing what nothing what nothing no nothing feet better tank I knew we'd get him to talk lock him up fellas all right all right get him up get over there you two I swore to get you Benny but why because you've always you never leave me alone because you've been hounding me just because I pull a couple of lousy murders what are you gonna do I'm gonna put a red eye between them two blue ones where'd you get the gun you didn't trust me so good when I came in did you know no when I put my head in your pocket I found a dollar bill I got so excited I didn't look look a baby face okay I'm not mad at or anything okay I want to die I too young to dot but I am I'm a nice guy all of y'all everybody loves me everybody you love me don't you fellas all right all right copper start praying I'm gonna let you have it oh yeah I know your type baby face you're all alike you're pretty brave with that gun in your hand throw that gun away I'll show you power okay how about that come on now let's go get that pot roast be my guest I'm walking when the sketch was over I found that I had enjoyed it even more than my radio show I was laughing so much I could hardly thank Humphrey Bogart for helping me give such a great performance though he told me that he thought he had handled his role extremely well he believes in being honest with himself - then he told me about his new picture beat the devil with Jennifer Jones then I told him about the last picture I made oh I almost forgot to tell the audience that I'll be doing my next television show in three weeks that's right ladies and gentlemen I'll be with you three weeks from today and I believe I'm pretty sure my guest star is going to be Johnny ray you see I feel that I'm responsible for Johnny Ray's success because when I offered him a job a long time ago he asked me for an awful lot of money and I cried and then he stole that from me so he's going to be my guest thank you

Channel: BAMshowbits

Views: 319,801

Rating: 4.7716026 out of 5

Keywords: uffdamega52, palintv, bamshowbits, barbaricthoughts, jack benny, humphrey bogart

Id: TzIhCLIjZuM

Length: 25min 27sec (1527 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 07 2011