The Other Side of Infidelity | Dr. Kevin Skinner | TEDxRiverton

[Music] so I'm gonna break a house rule please pull out your phones I need you to go to a website that's going to show on your screen so please if you would visit the site I wonder how many of you have had the opportunity to sit down with somebody who's experienced some form of infidelity or sexual betrayal I'm a researcher who loves to study people I feel it gives me a better understanding of what's actually going on in our society and so today I'm going to invite you to participate me with me in a live poll it's anonymous and the question I would like to ask is this have you or someone close to you experienced infidelity will be able to watch these results come in live so please put your votes in if we go back to the address I thank you for taking the time when I was a little boy when I was a little boy between the ages 6 & 7 I grew up in a small farm community one day my mom older brother and I were headed into town as we approached a four-way intersection we noticed in my dad's car his pickup truck was facing us heading north while we were heading southbound as we looked we noticed that my dad was in the car with another woman at that point my mom got out of the car my dad got out of his truck and they met in the middle of the intersection now in a small rural community you can do that and they talked for a few minutes and my mom came back to the car crying a few months later my parents divorced and that experience was not talked about for nearly forty years the question that we face today is how do we respond to those who've experienced infidelity what do we say and is it possible that we could actually do something that would be as traumatizing as the event itself in order to prepare for today I asked that question I had one lady say I'm not sure you want to share my story but her story's too important not to tell she said I told my mom about my husband's multiple affairs and she looked at me and she said well you know how you are and if that wasn't enough she went to her father and he said that's just what men one man he said are you kidding me I can't go to my friends they would tell me to leave and I don't want to leave and if I went to my family they would criticize put her down and we would never have a relationship with them again one lady went to her religious leader and after hearing about her husband's emotional infidelity the religious leader said I think you just need to serve more and yeah these responses might piss us off but we are there with them in the trenches if they come to us and what do we say do we say just go spice it up in the bedroom or do we sit with them and seek a deeper understanding of their suffering and I can tell you this is not hard or this is very hard even for us as professionals when I began in this profession I had just received my PhD nine and a half years of college and I had a lady come to my office after her husband had come in and he said I don't know what to do I think my wife is going crazy she's criticizing me and a few days earlier she had caught him engaged in some unwanted sexual behaviors and he did not know what to say he did not know how to calm her down and he said can you please help she came into my office sitting down almost in this rage and if you've ever sat with somebody with that kind of rage I think my whole office heard that session that day and I realized quickly my nine and a half years of college did not prepare me for what she was experiencing she hadn't slept for days and every time they were together there was yelling and fighting and criticism she said to me I can't get the images out of my mind they keep running over and over and over racing and then my kids and my friends call and they don't even know what's going on and I can't even respond to them and then she said what's wrong with me that everybody close to me hurts me and finally as we were sitting there she said there is no stopping this anxiety when he's gone I'm monitoring his phone when he's here were fighting when I'm sleeping I'm having nightmares and I thought okay which book did I read about this in and I didn't at that time I committed to learn how to figure this out that I might be able to be helpful and so I was sitting with a colleague and saying have you seen this have you been experiencing this and she said yes I think what they're experiencing is relationship trauma that's very similar to PTSD post traumatic stress disorder and I thought no no no no that can't possibly be right that's for War veterans that's for people who had really difficult accidents or rape and so together we put together an assessment an online assessment and I just let it sit online I didn't do any advertising or marketing but one night I sat at my desk looking at the results 300 individuals had filled it out anonymously and I sat down looking at the results and I realized quickly that their story had to be told since that time more than 7,000 individuals have shared their experience with infidelity and other forms of sexual betrayal with me that night if you could have been with me I think it's here might have came to your eyes as you realized our society is suffering deeply and we don't know how to respond I realized quickly that I needed to learn more because after that woman sat there I started looking at the data and it did data was so heartbreaking one individual know thousands and today while we're sitting here many individuals will discover their partners infidelity and they will go into the symptoms I'm now going to share with you not only are they reliving it in their mind but if I told you that 60% of them are having nightmares so not only is it with them during the day it's with them at nighttime and then if I said what about avoiding friends or family members things that they used to enjoy the park the swimming pool the mall they can't go there anymore because it's too triggering and if I told you that that was six out of ten or seven out of ten 60 to 70 percent report that they're avoiding people in places and then what about that internalized belief what's wrong with me why would this happen though I'm not enough am i unlovable and if I told you that another 60 or 70 percent also felt that way and then I looked at this racing mind the anxiety and now what we call in our field hyper vigilance which is that we're monitoring all the time what our spouse is doing and if I told you that that was happening 60 to 70 percent of the time - and it quickly would realize that if a person is experienced infidelity there's a high probability that 7 out of 10 70 out of every hundred seven hundred out of every thousand are experiencing post-traumatic stress symptoms now the final statistic that I looked at that night was about suicidal thoughts and the question was how many of you have experienced sexual to aside all thoughts as a result of your partner's sexual infidelity six out of ten have had suicidal thoughts after their spouses sexual infidelity so the question may be how can we help how can we support in particular I've found three things that I found most effective in that same question when I asked people how people responded I had one lady say my mom just hugged me and she said I'm gonna be here anytime you need morning or night her father looked at her and said no matter what I will always love you you're still my star everybody needs somebody one religious leader he said I'm gonna be here for you I know your spouse needs help but you need to understand that I want to meet with you on a regular basis to make sure you're okay because you matter to me and if you need more support will get you more support everybody needs somebody fighting for them the next part comes from a painful story of a woman who was coming to a session she was a little bit late and she was sitting in her car when I looked out the window and talking on the phone with her husband as she came in she was crying and she sat down on my couch and I just simply said I'm here and she said my husband just told me that he's been sleeping with other women in our bed damn him and I just sat with her now again I asked that question what do you say i sat and listened but the real change came after our session I had a group of women who were waiting to come visit for a group session they were waiting in the lobby and as my client opened the door to go set her next appointment up I saw the look on her face and the thought came to my mind she can't be alone today not today and so I invited her to come in and I said to my group this sweet lady had a painful experience today a disclosure that's really hurtful I didn't need to say anything else they stood up and they embraced her one by one and she received the comfort and as she was getting ready to leave they said no no no don't leave not now and she stayed and she heard their stories and she shared hers and when they were done they exchanged phone numbers and since that time they've been on hikes together they've ate meals together and suddenly she has a tribe people around her that really truly understand so point number two is we need people who understand us and finally number three is our trauma needs a voice if there's one thing I've learned in my years of research is that we have to treat the post-traumatic stress symptoms we need to help people who are reliving it who are having nightmares who are avoiding people in places and that community did that for her that day perhaps the most important thing I learned though came last year after gathering all this data I wrote a book titled treating trauma from sexual betrayal and little did I know that my story which I put in the book because it was a part of the healing journey that I wanted to share with those who were going through trauma as I put my story in there little did I know that my dad would purchase my book three weeks after publishing the book we went to visit my dad it was a holiday and he was a little bit uncomfortable he took some time and he pulled me aside and he looked me in the eyes and he said Kevin I'm sorry I hurt you but it didn't stop there he reached out to my siblings and he apologized to them a few weeks later we had a family activity where my mom and dad and their spouses were together in my home my dad took time and he reached out to my mom and almost 40 years later he said I'm sorry for the hurt and pain I created in our family now it's our turns if we go to this pole we can see that most of us know somebody who has been touched by infidelity the question may be how are we going to respond what are we gonna say are we gonna be there or are we not going to be there are we gonna reach out and say let me take your kids let me give you a break so you can get some sleep our challenge today is that we can't ignore the reality of what's going on infidelity is not going to go away the question will be will rear eyes up as a society and nurture and take care of these individuals and help them and perhaps even the most important thing we may do might not be our words it might be that hug it might be that phone call that says I'm thinking of you or it might be that person who offended who opens up and acknowledges the pain they've created we need to respond it's time for us to reach out as a society and strengthen those hands we're down may we make itself because if we do our society will be much better thank you [Applause] [Music]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 541,978

Rating: 4.6921639 out of 5

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Health, Family, Illness, Learning, Recovery, Self improvement, Self-help, Sex

Id: NBPmZJEsaAA

Length: 17min 58sec (1078 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 26 2018