Is All Hope LOST To Get Your Ex Back?

it's all hope lost to get your ex back this is coach lee in this video i'm going to do my best to answer that question at the moment of the breakup an ex can say some really hurtful things and some things that seem to sound like there's an end to any hope and that there's no possible way the two of you could get back together that their mind has been made up it seems like it's all been decided and it's just over and so people will say in comments on my youtube channel or they'll email me or in a coaching call they'll say well he said this so i don't think there's any chance or she said this so it's over now there's no hope i might as well give up and the first thing that i want you to keep in mind is that we already know that your ex's heart is not where we want it to be if it was where you wanted it to be they wouldn't be breaking up with you they wouldn't have broken up with you and so that's not anything new it feels like new information it feels like that since they said it's never going to happen that that's something that's going to change things for the worse even though the breakup itself says they don't think anything's there and they don't think anything's going to happen and so words to the effect of it's never going to happen there's no chance this is over for good don't really mean anything more of course they think it's over for good that's why they broke up with you and so you don't need to pile on yourself any more than is truly necessary as i've said in other videos a lot of this so much of this is conceptual your ex thinks they want a breakup and if it's early on in the process they don't know they really are basing it on something that they think sounds good they think makes sense but they haven't experienced it yet and even if they're a few weeks out even really a couple of months out is not a true picture of it they have to lose you because that's what they think that they want have you ever thought that something just sounded wonderful exactly what you wanted and then you got it and it was disappointing all that anticipation thinking it was going to be a great experience thinking it was going to be a lot of fun thinking it was going to be meaningful and it turned out a flop it wasn't at all what you were thinking and so that's where a lot of times someone can find themselves when they break up with someone it sounds like a good idea especially if you two weren't getting along or if it had faded the relationship the feelings the passion the emotion if it had faded which it will and that's what a lot of people have to learn and you see they learn that a lot of times when they realize they could lose you yes new relationships can have that passionate firework experience called limerence and i have a video about that it's a real thing people experience it but it will fade when you just think that that means the relationship has to be over sometimes it means that person has to learn they have to learn first of all where you really belong in their life because at the moment it's simply that you're not an emotional high anymore that's the experience with some people especially if you've heard anything from this person like i just don't feel the same or love has faded or i fell out of love with you or i love you but i'm not in love with you those kinds of things especially if they're wanting to kind of stay friends or be in touch that means there's really something there but the excitement the spark part of it has subsided and one of the things we learn as adults is that relationships will fade from being based on passion and excitement to commitment and companionship and the feeling of family and whereas those feelings of excitement those feelings of passion can return and make an appearance again here and there it does not have the capacity to sustain the relationship permanently there has to be that commitment that companionship feeling of family and your ex can learn that and that's what no contact can actually do because when they have to actually come face to face with the concept of losing you because when they break up with you make no mistake they're not losing you they're giving you away it's a different feeling when the person breaks up with you they have control the situation is stable because they're in charge of it they're calling the shots so they're not losing anything it's a completely different feeling when you make the decision when you choose it it can have pain it can be difficult especially if you know you're hurting the other person and this person probably wished that they could do this without hurting you they just wanted to get it over with but they felt in control the only way they can lose that control and they can actually feel at least the possibility that they could lose you is if you give them a preview of that you disappear to where they don't know what's going on with you they haven't heard from you and so there's multiple factors that come into play and that first of all they're not seeing you every day which gives them a break because sometimes people just need a refreshing in other words the immature physical side of us that has a favorite song on spotify but then after we've heard it 11 times we want to listen to another song that affects us in all areas of life and so that's why it's good every now and then to just kind of do your own thing for a little bit come back together not because you're getting tired of each other and you don't love each other but simply because there's part of you that kind of likes a change of scenery every now and then and so it gives them that but after that after they've had a big swallow of a glass of that it can turn into missing you seeing that there was a place that they valued that you filled that you only filled and that's where they can start having to have a conversation with themselves why are you not contacting them and then we get into the complexity of attraction in that when they broke up with you they felt so attractive even if they were attracted to you and and liked what they saw physically like what they felt emotionally like the intellectual discussion the process of breaking up with you makes them feel like their level of attractiveness goes up and yours goes down and when you don't chase them it invalidates that because if that were right in their mind if that were right if they were that much more attractive than you and your attraction fell and that's what it feels like when they break up with you no matter what they say but if that was right then you would be coming after them you would be chasing them because they just deserve all this validation because they are so sexy and awesome and you should be chasing them that's what they feel they don't think those words but there is that feeling and that's where it at least makes them step back and reevaluate what they feel in terms of attraction you become a little bit more valuable and that might not sound like your favorite thing it sounds a little shallow you wish that it wasn't like that that it was more based on companionship commitment and love and not attraction but humans are funny creatures we are complex multi-dimensional creatures we're mind body and spirit and those things operate together sometimes and sometimes we even confuse ourselves what we want to do is get them to a place where some of those deeper things can come back to life but sometimes it takes some of the superficial things for that to have a chance and so sometimes it starts simply with them questioning their level of attractiveness and then having to also consider that they haven't heard from you and that could mean that you are quote moving on that famous phrase that no one can really describe except that you aren't pining after them or hurting and that maybe you're open to the possibility of being in a relationship with someone else but if they can see that you could move on which no contact shows them you can stay away and if they see that if they witness you do that then they can believe you can move on that's when finally finally they get to actually experience a real breakup they get to experience being without you let's see how they handle that because that is when most people will come back if they're going to come back and before i get into the next topic on this take a quick second click the subscribe button below so you can be notified when i have more videos like this so when your ex says there's no chance i'm done i'm moving on they're not even able to speak for themselves in that way because they don't know how they're going to feel after they really experience the breakup and you've got to let them do that even though it's difficult you've got to let them go through that or else you are very unlikely to get back together with them first of all but second of all if they were to come back it is far more likely to be temporary because they haven't learned the lesson the lesson is is that when they broke up with you when they left you and you two were apart and they thought they were going to lose you they didn't like it it was a bad thing and they wanted you back that's a lesson they can carry with them and that's what actually gives you the potential of having a long-term relationship take a look at my emergency breakup kit there's a link to it in the description below it's a powerful culmination of my 20 years in the relationship coaching service and can help you get your ex back and one of the things that i talk about in there is what happens when you two actually start talking again and your ex is considering getting back together with you that's when you can undo all this progress you've made and you don't want to do that how you undo that progress well that's when if they come to you and they tell you they're thinking about getting back together or that they miss you something like that a lot of that is baiting you especially if they say they miss you they're wanting to hear you say that you missed them back and they're testing you whether they know it or not because if you just instantly say i miss you too you're okay but you've balanced things out some if you start telling them how badly you've missed them and how you've cried and you've been miserable and life has lost its meaning and that you dwell in darkness without them then you have flipped the totem pole again to where their attractiveness goes back to where it was and yours falls down to where it was and they say oh that's why i did this there's that feeling again that i don't want this so you want to make sure you stay away from that when your ex is starting to move towards you so if they do say they miss you it's okay to say you miss them too it's really hard to get around because if you act like you haven't they're gonna think you're faking it and you're trying to play some kind of mind game with them and that's just gonna make you look bad and that's gonna lower your attractiveness but don't go beyond what they say match them or come just underneath that but don't try to outdo them don't try to convince them how badly you've missed them too and remember you should be having some reservation this person broke up with you they're coming back you need to at least know if they're serious about this and you need to move slowly because this person just hurt you and they don't deserve to simply get it all back at once mostly for your own protection because you don't want to dive back in with this mind heart body and then lose it again and so you need to move slowly and they may push you because they're wanting that validation they're wanting you to say i'm so glad you came back i still want you just as bad as i did which means you are just as attractive as you thought you were the day you dumped me yes of course they want to hear that who doesn't who doesn't want the validation the ego stroke but you've got to decide you want to make them happy in the moment because sometimes they'll get angry if you're not pushing enough if you're not saying enough if you're basically not welcoming them back in a way that shows them they never had to worry about anything to begin with yeah that's irritating because they want to feel that they are that super duper attractive like they were a couple months ago a couple weeks ago whenever it was they broke up with you you can't let them do it just because they get mad at you in the moment it doesn't mean you're doing the wrong thing and it doesn't mean you're going to lose them sometimes people get mad sometimes people get mad at me whereas you don't want to antagonize someone or make them mad for no reason standing your ground living in your truth is something that is worth it even if it makes them mad and you know what they will get over it and they will see you as stronger for not having kissed their butt and made them feel like they can just toss you aside and with the snap of a finger you'll come right back to their legs like a little puppy dog what your ex says when they break up with you doesn't mean it's permanent it doesn't mean they will always feel that way trust that and trust that no matter what you will be fine this has been coach lee and as always thank you for watching

Channel: Coach Lee

Views: 201,990

Keywords: can I get my ex back, ex said no chance, hope to get ex back, is there hope to get my ex back, should I give up hope to get my ex back, is there still hope to get my ex back, coach lee

Id: uxxP-ArE5c4

Length: 13min 12sec (792 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 11 2021