Should I Reach Out To My Ex After No Contact

coaching clients ask me a lot should I reach out to my ex and I'm going to mention a few situations that people bring up and give you my thoughts on it the first thing I'll mention is people will say I have new information and a lot of times that's on the situation or that can be on something that they've thought about that the two of them talked about but they think that there's new information that could change their mind that could just change everything so what I want to tell you is be sure that it's really new information a lot of times it's something that they've already understood that you've already told them but people will think well if I say it again or with different wording or I add just a little bit to it that doesn't really change anything but I get to repeat the information and I get to add a little something to it a lot of times it's really just that you want to reach out and you're hoping that this justifies it that this makes sense that I'll approve and that you can do it and it's going to feel so good and I want to encourage you not to fall for that most the time they know this information or this information is not really important one client recently was going to have to make a decision about moving with work and he was going to have to make that decision very soon and so yes it makes sense if it's going to be very soon and you have to make a decision and this person is involved in that because his decision would be to stay if this person wanted to be with him and is one of the few times when I would say yes it does make sense to actually get this information to them but even then the question is why did they break up with you why did they really break up with you because sometimes the information might be new it might be positive it might be interesting or constructive but it doesn't necessarily impact anything related to The Breakup their reason for the breakup the level of attraction they feel or don't feel towards you right now so just be very careful because most of the time the answer is no don't reach out if you have already told them this info information you've already told them that you love them and you want the relationship then you don't have to tell them a second time they already know that information so keep that in mind you are very unlikely to convince them by repeating yourself it's not a matter of them not knowing and it's certainly not a matter of them not knowing that you love them or care about them because usually when they break up with you you tell them that that's almost always the case that someone when they are broken up with will say I don't want the breakup I love you we can work this out and so if they've heard that then don't fall for the idea that you can add a little something to that reach out to them and that they are going to have a reaction like yes let's get back together let's work on this I know that's what you want and that's what I want for you and that's why I constantly will tell you use the no contact rule stay away from them and I know that there are some people who say well that's a coward's way out or they'll say that's the silent treatment no it's neither of those things if you have the ability for logical and in critical thinking because here's what's going on this person doesn't want you in their life anymore you've told them you want the two of you to be together they don't want that they want the breakup so once they've told you that you are approaching them Uninvited now they may say sure we can talk we can text but that really has to be in their court because they're the ones who severed the relationship and a lot of times they don't tell you that if they haven't told you that if they're not trying to be friends even though I don't recommend that but if they aren't making any kind of effort and having an ongoing conversation and even if they are it doesn't mean you should initiate contact showing up to a party that you're not invited to does not make the host think yes I should have invited that person brilliant I'm glad they're here that's usually not what they think usually they think that's really rude it's really even tacky because you weren't invited and that's the case right now you are no longer invited into this person's life and I'm sorry to say that I don't like saying it but that's the case and so you have to be careful because you will very quickly start looking stalkerish you will start looking creepy you will start looking obsessed you will start looking dangerous and you will start looking far less attractive because it will make you look like you are weak like you can't stay away and like you're not in your right mind and I say that so many times and it's difficult for me to get that message through but I hope it can get through to you because I've seen so many of these cases and if you're watching this video and you have reached out to your ex tell people what happened in the comments here because I know because I read a lot of the comments on my channel and I get emails and all kinds of things people regret deeply when they reach out because it usually goes badly usually it is a negative response even an angry response from the ex and it makes things even worse so I'm not telling you this to try to get views on a video or to try to be different from anybody because there's actually a lot of support for no contact there are some people who try to say the opposite which makes me question their experience and I think that they are just saying it to try to stand out but I am encouraging you for your sake to ignore those voices that tell you it's okay to reach out and you should reach out and you should try to re-establish yourself in their life they say that a smart man learns from his own mistakes a wise man learned from the mistakes of others trust me learn from the people who I have talked to over the last two decades when you reach out it is almost always a negative that will hurt your chances push them further away and it can even just make them angry at you make them feel uncomfortable and awkward about the fact that you're even still in their life in any way because you're reaching out to them when they don't want you to that's it's a weird feeling to have when someone is contacting you someone is trying to push their way in when you have said you don't want them there and when you don't want them there in that moment keep that in mind number two people will say well I heard that she was struggling I heard that he was struggling and oftentimes that's found out from a friend or maybe you're looking at social media and you see a sad face in one of their pictures or something like that here's the thing though if they are struggling because they want to get back together with you or because they miss you that's what you want and if you reach out during that time you're basically just relieving the pressure you're letting them know that they have more time than they think because if they really are struggling they're having a hard time with the breakup they're missing you then we want that pressure to remain we don't want them to hear from you we want them to think not only am I missing him not only is this difficult but I'm not hearing from him which means he could be moving on and I was attracted to him at one point so someone else could be as well and of course just switch out the he or the she I'm just using an example but that's what your ex is more likely to think if they're having a difficult time and they're missing you and if you reach out you relieve the pressure you show them that they have a lot more time you can actually send them backwards you take away the mystery you just do all kinds of negative things because when they believe that they have to have you back they feel the loss they can see that you can stay away and they realize you could end up getting together with someone in a relationship and they could want you back and not be able to get you back we need for them to have these internal conversations your ex's thought process your ex's learning and realization and journey and all this is so important and I have a video that I'll put at the end screen here about your ex's journey and it's so important you let them take that Journey alone they have to take it without you because this has been their decision they have to see that their decision was wrong and if you bail them out on that they will not learn that they will not experience the consequences believe in yourself enough that if you take yourself out of the situation that you will be missed that you are attractive that you are valuable enough that that will happen and then it's up to them and any effort on your part during that time will only delay things or possibly prevent them from happening at all I say that from experience not just because I think it sounds good before I get to number three get some information on my workshop relationship reignite it's for Couples married and non-married who are in a serious relationship or have lost a serious relationship and you want to save the marriage or the relationship you can get more information on that with the link below at myexbackcoach.com it's called relationship reignite and it's a live Workshop that I do along with Coach Ken and we save relationships so get more information on that number three people will say I want to tell them I have improved and I want to show them that I want to give examples where I've improved maybe there was something that you did that caused the breakup at least that's what they told you and I want to point this out just because they say it it doesn't mean first of all that it's the real reason but second of all it also doesn't mean that if that is fixed that they will want you back because a lot of times attraction Falls when these things are happening they're negative or not happening that they want to happen and so attraction Falls and even if all of a sudden you start doing what you should be doing what they want you to do with the need for you to do it doesn't mean that they will want you back because if attraction has fallen they won't even want the relationship back at that moment if you fix everything one of the examples I give a lot is a long distance relationship those are the most difficult and I have videos on that for people who are in long distance relationships and there's been a breakup and I want to help and I'm going to help in this video but keep in mind those are very very difficult and their survival rate is low compared to relationships with someone who is local and one of the reasons is because you will be with this person in a relationship even though it is missing key elements of intimacy which is physical face to face scent touch those kind of things and just simply knowing this person person is in my town because you feel like you need more communication with them about your day I'm running here I'm going there which you don't necessarily do with someone in a long-distance relationship and that's one of many things that make a long distance relationship difficult but what happens is that at first all that traveling when you do get to see each other feels worth it but over time especially if you two like typical couples begin to develop arguments and over time it seems like more work than it's worth and that can really lower attraction and so even if you get to a point where you say okay let's move to the same town I understand you want to break up but let's move into the same town together I'll move to you and we can make this work the problem can often be that attraction has fallen to the point that that's no longer something that they want it's no longer appealing to them and so that's what we have to consider is just because there were some issues mentioned does not mean that if you fix those they will jump right back into the relationship and you need to be really careful because if you buy into that and believe that that you can just tell them you fixed an issue then you risk coming across as I described earlier where you are going where you're not welcome where you are acting obsessive needy where you're not respecting their wishes which can make someone very uneasy and even slightly afraid of you in a creepy kind of way they get that vibe from you we don't want that at all so you have to be really careful this is about caution because you can mess a lot up by reaching out when someone has said they don't want you in their life anymore and they are not interacting with you that is what speaks the loudest and that's what you need to listen to and it shouldn't bother you any more than you're already obviously frustrated and hurt because of the relationship because we already knew that at the moment they don't want to be with you that's what we're working to change and that's what no contact and time and them going through that mental process can change so keep your spirits up but at the same time focus elsewhere and be determined to keep no contact like I talk about what's more telling them I've improved it almost sounds like am I good enough for you now look how hard I've worked to be someone who's worthy of you that's not what an attractive person would say and I'm not saying that you're just the absolute prize and you deserve anyone and you're perfect the way you are because we all need to improve and we all need to realize that we're not God's gift to everyone in every relationship but at the same time you don't want to come across as though you come from a lowly place and you have worked your way up hopefully to where maybe they'll consider taking you back because just maybe you're good enough now you don't want to come across that way either that perfect balance of confidence and humility is quite amazing when you learn how to apply it and so keep that in mind before I get to number four take a quick second And subscribe to this channel so you can be notified when I have more videos like this one so hit that subscribe button number four people will say should I reach out to my ex to ask him or her if they miss me and this one might surprise some of you but I am asked this a lot should I reach out and ask them if they've missed me one person even told me that I asked her if she thought two weeks was enough to miss me and I do remember a woman just to be fair was asking if I thought that a month was long enough for a man to miss her and I have had people say should I reach out and ask if they miss me so first of all if they miss you enough they'll reach out to you and it's really that simple and you can say you know my ex is an avoidant Esquire to the first degree pi r squared whatever if they miss you enough and they want you enough they will overcome it they will reach out I see it all the time so don't be fooled into thinking because my ex has this type of attachment style that I should be the one to reach out it really doesn't work that way it really doesn't work that way and again respond in the comments tell me when you've reached out when you thought well my ex has this attachment style so I should reach out how did that work out for you my guess is most of the time it didn't if it did I'm really happy for you but that's got to be less than 10 percent of the time simply because I've seen so many of these situations and so keep that in mind you will try to find excuses because it feels good to reach out to them it feels like maybe you have the relationship again because you're getting to interact with them so be aware that you can be fooled by that that that can be so wonderful and desirable to you just getting to interact with them that it becomes a Temptation that feels good but that could actually hurt your situation so keep that in mind and think it through before you do anything that you could regret later and most of the time most of the time the vast majority of the time when I have a client who reaches out to their ex they regret it deeply if they miss you enough they will reach out to you and that's how you know that they missed you enough and be sure to listen to this final point and I'm going to put a video in the end screen here that I think is really important for you to watch after this one but number five that I'm going to talk about is people will say to me I want to reach out because it would feel good to talk and that's very honest they think that it would feel good just to have that conversation that moment that intimacy with them of catching up seeing how things are going and they ask is that a problem is that going to hurt my chances yes it will if they have not reached out to you then the message is still the same they're not there yet they are not ready attraction is too low you do not get the opportunity to work on the relationship until this person wants to work on the relationship one of the examples that my staff coach Coach Ken uses in his videos often is he'll say name a celebrity that you think is attractive for a lot of women maybe that's George Clooney and a recent actress referred to him as unobtainable recently which is interesting because the question is well was she not trying hard enough was she not working on the relationship if she's not reaching out to him then that's showing him that she doesn't want him but you see there's no relationship there and so your situation is similar in that your ex does not want the relationship and so there's nothing for you to work on because they don't want to work on it because attraction is not high enough and attraction is motivation so they're not motivated enough to work on it and so if you're trying to have conversations if you're trying to send them gifts or show up write letters then it's totally one-sided and no one would say in the situation that this actress is not working on her relationship with George Clooney and so therefore she's going to lose it because there was no relationship with him he's unobtainable as she said and so it would be really creepy really weird if she started sending him letters if she started trying to talk to him because he has not expressed interest in having a relationship with her and your ex has said that they don't want a relationship with you and so it's very similar you cannot try to fix this by yourself they have to give something they have to put some effort in and until they are willing to do that until they're motivated Enough by love and attraction for you it will not work and you will only hurt your chances because during this time when they're less attracted to you think about this if your ex has experienced a drop in attraction for you to the point that they broke up with you then that means whenever you're around them you are putting yourself in front of them as someone that they are not attracted to like they used to be what do you think is going to happen well attraction is going to just keep going down the only thing you have here that can really help the situation is to stay away to let them reflect on this to let them see you're strong enough to stay away and realize that you could move on but interacting with them during this time when they are not attracted to you because they take you for granted basically and that's what a breakup is it's the ultimate in taking you for granted and when you try to interact with them during that time you're basically just showing them your least attractive self and it will take some time for that reset button to be pushed and you have to dedicate yourself to staying away way as difficult as it is go over the points in this video and ask yourself am I trying to justify contacting them because it would feel good and because I don't know what else to do and that's your answer as difficult as it is stay away find the strength to stay away and show them that you can because that's one of the most attractive things that you can do and when they do initiate when they do have that motivation to at least try to at least have a conversation with you when they reach out because they've missed you and they want to catch up because they're missing that intimacy or they're kind of wanting to get a feel to see if you're moving away if you're moving on that's when they have some motivation to work on things that's when things can actually happen and that's why no contact is so important there's a video here in the end screen called your ex's Journey back to you I highly recommend that you watch that one now because it's really going to help you see some of this clearly after watching this video this has been Coach Lee and as always thank you for watching

Channel: Coach Lee

Views: 32,195

Keywords: should I reach out to my ex, should I reach out to my ex boyfriend, should I reach out to my ex girlfriend, should I ever reach out to my ex

Id: jEu9SsMzX5w

Length: 19min 5sec (1145 seconds)

Published: Fri Jun 30 2023