Interview with an Agile Coach - Sprint1

who wants to get their business to the next level within two weeks i mean not with scrum with me and my aura uh no tie oh yeah new work right company fit huh all right [Music] agile right can we do this one more time agile to look better agile agile manifesto yeah i mean uh screw up faster find out faster fix it faster rinse and repeat gyro agile scrum gyra doing agile and being agile are two completely different things you need a agile coach to understand this collaboration kanban agile yeah i lost my job because i was a horrible developer and now i'm an agile coach at nasa micro statusing micro agiling micro working but in a large company you probably won't even get approval to write a single line of code within the first two weeks so then everyone spends a bunch of time in meetings to talk about how nothing happened and how work should be done but nobody actually does anything and that's where i come in to moderate that nonsense i was the one who introduced agile to a company in the first place no wonder everyone loves me oh hey greg greg that's greg his birthday is on day two of sprint seven it's not a task it's a story i forced it down our throat yes increases visibility continuous integration or how they call it professionally ci discipline product owner scrum master agile coach all right sprint retrospective and my favorite product where's the agile coach courage to get that in focus focus commitment openness whatever that means and here we have uh the six key scrum principles refactoring forecasting planning poker poker fast you got the movement on tape time boxing time unboxing stakeholders brain damage my watch actually shows the second since the last sprint and a timer for the delivery date plus minus one sprint command and control divide and conquer voice of the customer ridiculous voice of the customer respond to merging requests is it emergent oh we can do it later no worries all right uh whatever as i was saying as i was in my tie we're agile here right yeah a new work all right adapt to emerging technologies is the beamer working ah oh is this beamer a crew tactic gaslight colleagues investigate new job evangelize scrum leave job when debt causes problems evangelize scrum at next job and start all over again folks who don't have anything valuable to add deserve meetings customer collaboration over contract negotiation just accept the price it will make collaboration easier the team optimizes itself tunes the process identifies problems and waits for them to go away and calls an agile coach and reviews that in scrum retrospective responding to change over following a plan always change never finish we really reduce our meetings uh by introducing scrum meetings oh because there's just no more time left i mean you have to obey the agile manifesto unless of course the agile coach has different ideas right so i have different ideas so i'm doing my version of scrum change all the time we don't really get to do stuff because of so much change yeah it's a lot of things going on here they're just having a daily stand-up no they're missing me but you know sometimes uh you got to do sacrifices you know for the team collaboration let me just quickly get my business card what does the agile coach do pretty much everything we just keep things running you know make sure we obey the scrum guide or my personal guide you know we we um when we made some changes specific use case uh managers love me yeah like we get things you know uh done in more time more things done in time we don't even define requirements until after production yeah actually we delivered on time in the past two years but then scrum came and everything changed there is a scrum there is enterprise scrum the one and only real scrum is mine we called it scrum to really waterfall with meetings every two weeks

Channel: Programmers are also human

Views: 429,461

Keywords: agile humor, programming humor, agile memes, scrum memes, scrum, kanban, programming memes

Id: bB340S0tGf8

Length: 4min 22sec (262 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 23 2022