Improving Communication in Marriage

good morning guys awake everybody awake alive you're not going into any carbohydrate comas are you we're privileged and honored to be here with you appreciate the heart that Mike and Linda have and the have the heart over this house and Melissa and I have a deep passion for health and relationships and if you were to sum up what we do we help equip people to live as overcomers in their relationship world and that means relationship with God relationship with themselves and how they see themselves as God sees them and also in relationship with each other and the last one is sometimes not put as high of importance in the body of Christ you know we put a high level of value on this relationship you know we come and we worship together we want to hear from God about what he can do in our lives that's so critical and important but I find the more that I get older the more that I'm mature the more that I grow in certain areas I realize the importance of relationship with each other that actually God values that just as much and I need to value that because I've learned that the invisible God manifests himself through visible relational interactions and that's what he designed he designed mother and father to manifest his nature into the children and that we as brothers and sisters would manifest his nature between us that God's desire in design is that as I interact with you I actually learned his nature more and sometimes we don't realize that because we're all so goofy in our stuff and we have so many issues that we bring to the table and so many you know walls that we put up hurts that we're trying to work through and and then we're then we're coming into the body of Christ and we become born-again and we're like hey we're brothers and sisters right and and and many of us don't even know what that means because brother and sister necessarily the healthiest of grid and then we're introduced to a Father in Heaven and just the word daddy can strike references into the hearts of people that are not even great references so needless to say we come into this this connection with each other that God calls the family of God at the core that's who we are before were even husbands and wives fathers mothers were God's children we are sons before our Father in heaven and that's you know that's the end of the story is that the manifestation of the sons of God that by faith we are connected as his children and then we move into a deeper level of intimate connection where God has chosen I believe the highest level the biggest incubator of relational formation and that's in the context of marriage and there's there's there's some things that we learn in marriage that you can't learn anywhere else amen I mean it's I actually think that the marriage I think marriage is is part of it is a big setup that God has I think it's it's one of his it's it's it's it's something very powerful that it uses but I think it's also humorous because it's this big thing that we get caught in to where we fall in love and this is a person we just you know they just fulfill every dream in our heart and we're just so excited and then covenant happens right then vows are made I will love you forever and as soon as covenant makes it makes its its mark the heat rises and you deal with stuff you never dealt with when you were dating you never dealt with when you were engaged and somewhere along the line you say I didn't sign up for this I didn't know this was in the picture all that stuff was there there was just this haze covering over all of this up until covenant and I actually think it's part of God's sneaky plan I I don't think he wants you to know exactly what you're getting into because the way he works is that he wants the commitment to be initiated first so that you work through the issues and you don't just bail out and isn't that what Jesus did when it came to salvation you know he wasn't like hey let me let me try to remove every obstacle he's like you know sell everything you have you know drop everything you have leaf father and mother you know let the dead bury the dead forsake all just follow me because he wanted to activate covenant commitment first so that once that's established that we're not going to bail or look for a plan B and that's the climate we're living in today is everyone's looking for their Plan B's you know we see the divorce rates we see the marital struggles we see what's going on and I find that marriage is the most powerful place of sanctification I've ever seen in any arena in my life and it doesn't matter who you end up being married to whoever you're married to that is going to be the arena where God works on you and really raises the fire over what you're going to grow in and you have a decision we have a decision in marriage that we're either gonna grow to our highest level possible as individuals and as one or we are going to look to the other person to to be what we need and focus our attention in the marriage on what they do or don't do and all the traps that come out of that and I think it's one of the classic mistakes that we make as we go into marriage thinking the other person is going to fulfill some things in us they're going to meet needs in our life and so we start off on the wrong foot and I think both Melissa and I have acknowledged we've been married over this past summer we celebrated 10 years being married and we really look back and we we realize on our wedding day we didn't know what it meant to love someone and and we were able to say that in honesty and it doesn't it doesn't bring up weird you know things about at the time we loved in the best reference we knew how but we had no idea the depth and level of love that God then called us into and so one of the areas that is a big crucible of how we work out things and how we learn to grow together is in the area of communication and off the jump when covenant engages your ability to communicate or not communicate immediately gets put into action every marriage in every relationship the potential of the relationship rises and falls on our ability to communicate with each other on our ability to because out of that communication hearts get shared intimacy can be formed or the exact opposite can happen and everything God does forms from the word being manifested so that means it has to be spoken it has to be heard and has to be processed in exchange we have that with God right you wouldn't even be a believer unless the word came to you received it no change happens without that and so in marriage if if there's any problem and we work with a lot of marriages we do personal coaching with marriages and typically there's always a communication issue and struggle that's going on in the marriage that either is not happening or it's toxic and there is a work that God needs to do on a deeper level and usually all communication struggles are not really about the issue I've never met with someone where a struggle they were having the issue was the issue it's always a deeper area that is manifesting in the fight and in the struggle that is now currently the thing that they're wanting counseling or marital help or they're wanting a mediator or whatever it is so I found this I had this in my files I thought in talking about communication I would I would help the men out for a second because usually us men are somewhat weaker in the communication area women tend to be more prone to communicate outwardly and so I start off gentleman by helping you to give you some translation okay there are nine phrases your wife says that I want to help you out okay so as we get this going - to help you understand what she's saying because she's not really saying what she's saying there's a translation behind it that you need to understand and so one thing you didn't know is that when you got married you had to actually learn a new language and it may seem like Chinese to you at the time but suck it up you're gonna have to learn Chinese and-and-and and figure this thing out so here are the nine words I hope no no I hope you have a good sense of humor and this doesn't offend anybody if it does I'll apologize afterwards nine words women use first one is fine okay this is a word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up okay that's is that accurate okay right right number two is five minutes if she is getting dressed this means half an hour five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house number three is the word nothing nothing nothing this is the calm before the storm this means something and you should be on your toes arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine number four I hope you're taking notes go ahead this is a dare not permission don't do it okay number five aloud sigh you say like Jen that's an office joke sorry this is actually this is that we've got one person that got it this is actual outside this is actually a word but it's a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men a loud sigh means she thinks you're an idiot and wonders why she's wasting your time standing here and arguing with you about nothing refer back to number three for the meaning of nothing okay you fought you tracking me so far gentleman number six doesn't get any easier it gets it more complicated number six is that's okay this is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man that's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake number seven Thanks a woman is thanking you do not question or faint just say you're welcome I want to add in a clause here this is true unless she says thanks a lot that is pure sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all do not say you're welcome that will bring on a whatever which is number eight whatever is a woman's way of saying basically go to hell like I said I said I'd apologize after number nine is don't worry about it I got it another dangerous statement meaning this is something that a woman has told the man to do several times but is now doing it herself this will later result in a man asking what's wrong for the woman's response refer back to number three which is nothing so anyways that's a that is a quick guide in course on language if you apply that that can get you off to to a good start so [Music] I won't say you're welcome I've learned so let's be honest marriage communication comes down to a couple critical items one being what is being said how it's being said and it doesn't end there so for the person saying you think if I just say it this way the person will get it no no communication is what is being said how is it being said what is being heard and how it's being heard all these components go into effective communication and I want you to understand one of the enemy's biggest tactics is to interfere in communication relay and I would say that in all the work that I do I am helping people to address mindsets that affect what we say how we say it what we hear and how we hear it because I'm gonna tell you this straight forward you are rarely ever hearing what is actually being said in any communication even right now as I'm talking to you you're not necessarily hearing a hundred percent of what I'm saying and the heart behind that you have a filter that takes in everything and creates associations with it and you're going in certain directions that's why Pastor Mike you have this happen to all the time you'll talk and you'll give a message and somebody come to you and say that message was so good because God showed me that and in your mind I know you've had this you went that has nothing to do with what I was even talking about right all the time why because it's the nature of neuro Association you have associations to certain words that you automatically have stored in your reservoir and so when someone latches on to those says those things you go in certain directions with them so this makes complication I mean communication very complicated because we're all coming with our references and what we feel about certain topics and we're sharing and now the other person has their own filter so communication is exhausting before we even started it right and where I feel the most work that we've had to do in our marriage is we had to really face to face recognize we call we all come into marriage with issues individually we have our hurts we have our wounds we have our filters you all come from homes that weren't necessarily the best setups for marriage they weren't necessarily the best incubators for you to transition into glorious covenant bliss on top of that let me ask you a question how many of you feel that you were properly mentored and equipped and you had fathers biological fathers and mothers and spiritual fathers and mothers to help you along the transition no most of us it was like here's a cliff and you're waiting to the bottom I mean you're still falling and you're reaching out for anything so you grab anything for help because that's what you do when you're free-falling so you grab a branch you know just to try to get some help and that person happened to be you know the lady who was serving you at Dunkin Donuts that's the wrong person to share with or or you just happen to kind of vomit on someone that you were you were passing in the hallway at church and that wasn't necessarily the right person to to share your marriage struggles with and so what do we do about this free fall we have to recognize what is going on in each of us that contributes you have great stuff in God that you bring to the marriage but you also have plenty of yuck that you bring in and the quicker you can recognize that the quicker you will not make the other person the target for the problems in the marriage because the moment you do that accusation comes into the midst and when accusation gets into the ring both people don't get out of that match without a bruising we've learned that the hard way and so what we like to kind of hover around in our discussion and we'll just share our heart in and share what we've learned because we had to hit the ground running quickly because we came to the marriage with a lot of issues and Melissa and I are both very we have very strong convictions we have very we're very opinionated we in fact a prophet spoke over us that we're two Rams colliding into marriage and that was kind of an accurate statement and we had to learn quickly to learn how to address the issues so that we could develop the potency of the holy spirit to be one in who God's called us to be together and not allow the enemy to derail that because he very easily can so the two things that there's there's a number of factors we could get into but there's really two huge factors that prohibit a marriage communication from being everything that it can be the first one is unresolved brokenness that you bring into the marriage the second is shame shame has a way of shoving ever ending everything in anything under the rug behind the rug and it it has an effect to cause the marriage to become in some dimensions a roommate situation and it's not what God designed God's not designed you to just be roommates that just share bills together and and and and just you know make sure that you're paying your taxes together God's designed for there to be intimacy you know for deep connection but shame has a way of keeping us from coming into the light with each other and from having that honest dialogue that we could really have with each other sharing heart-to-heart but then there's the brokenness side that we all bring in you see the thing that I that I help I really try to help a lot of people understand because at the moment I grab this I was able to gain quicker healing in the marriage dynamic was that I have to heal in areas of my life the lens of how I see the opposite sex this is a huge area that we have and we don't realize it men you have areas of your relationship with your mother relationship with women that you bring to the table and there's this other factor that we oftentimes don't realize is that in your inherited genetics and your spiritual genetics men there has been a mindset of viewing women in very disrespectful diminished hateful ways that have had subtle works in our generations that I believe God is calling us in the current generations to break and to overcome or they will repeat and they will manifest in certain ways ladies you also bring to the table your history your personal history of what a man has been to your life what your father was able to be and not be what men that you shared experiences with what that then connected to your life that you now bring to the table so those exchanges create triggers and so when you're having an argument about 99 percent of the time the argument is not about the person it's an unhealed place in your heart that has a trail back historically and it reminds me of the story that man went to marriage counseling and he said he said sir I need help because my wife is so historical and the therapist said do you mean hysterical he says no she's constantly historical she has a history of everything that I've done wrong and she keeps bringing that up every time in conversation and so that's what ends up affecting us at a deeper level so maybe where we could start you want to start in the shame area or you want to start in the unhealed area or where would you like to start in in this discussion yeah [Laughter] I think a big aspect that I was just saying to mark about shame it's so big and I'll just speak from my personal experience and I know when you hear oh they've oh they've only been married for 10 years you know as Mark said we've come through a lot of things and I brought I brought a lot of nasty stuff into our marriage I had a very big history in my life before I got together with Mark and Mark was for a for a lack of better words like a kind of a golden boy in church you know he had a an upbringing of being in church and you know how to in a lot of ways a very sheltered life you can go into his story of not being sheltered maybe but up to me he was very sheltered and churchy and he had all these things so here comes me into our marriage with all of this stuff very worldly things that I had gone through a lot of baggage so when we got together this was a very big area that I had to confront in my life on how I dealt with him and I had those perceived things of men because of how how I had been treated how my father had taught me how to look at myself how he looked at me I had a lot of areas within me that were just very shameful about who I was just as a woman so coming into marriage and trying to connect with him and not have those things be a lens in my life were something that I just was not prepared for at all so do you mind if I share the story of when we were dating okay so when we first started dating mark did something pretty amazing with me that I had never ever experienced before that set the foundation for how we would date and how then we would walk into marriage we were dating what like a month and a half when this happened right barely I don't know what story you're talking about minister to me so we didn't we prepared a little bit but off the cuff on our stories sorry but not prepared great steam it so where this area of shame had to be confronted as we already had things kicking up in our dating life and I had seen somebody from my past we had passed him on the street yep I had passed we had passed him on the street and my whole physical body kind of reacted to it he was a man in my life that was not very good to me so we went out we got back home and it was still bothering me and Mark said I want to I want to talk with you about this and I want to help you process through this and so I'll never forget it we went down into your little living room area and he started to talk with me and he asked me to share the stories with him of what I had experienced now that is so like for me to share and be honest about my life to be free to share that with no lens of condemnation coming from him a lens from simply loving me and allowing me to just lay out what had happened to me was I had to battle so many things in that moment because I was shameful die which I was I was ashamed about a lot of things in my life that I was thinking not only would God not ever really heal but how could a man coming in my life except those things so there was very big areas of shame that I had to deal with and in that moment he let me with with no lens of judgment I could cry haven't really shared this sorry this isn't our moment he left me with no lens of with no lens of shame with no condemnation he let me share what had happened to me and it was extremely powerful and in that moment set the foundation for what we would walk into marriage after I shared with him he ministered over me to have Tisha's he ministered over me and he he stood over that pain in my life and prayed for all of those wounds and in that moment set the stage for how shame would be broken in our marriage and that it wouldn't be allowed in and that we would need to confront those things as they came up but the I was I was safe to share them I was safe to be with him I was safe to be able to show those parts of me that I just thought were really ugly and gross that I thought I don't know how I could ever share those things with another person they were my hidden little secrets about myself and he made it safe for me that no matter what came up between us that he would be a safe place to land and that that place would not have room so I think that um yeah it's established the foundation of how we how we relate to each other yeah I was going through my own transformation and I went through in 2004 I went through a very dramatic season of God doing some deep healing in my life very heavy struggles with anxiety and panic attacks and depression and and God healing my broken heart I had father wounds and mother wounds left and right grew up in the church but like she said you know golden child kind of thing but yet real with performance and and perfectionism striving issues never good enough all kinds of self hate issues and so I'm in the midst of this transformation process and and she comes along and and and we're dating and and we began our journey saying okay we're gonna deal with our stuff and so in that moment when when when she shared with me this this this incident that she'd had with this guy that we saw I believe it was a setup you know that he happened to be walking out of a coffee shop as we were driving which then triggered a a series of memories that she had that were not pleasant and I knew that this was gonna establish how our relationship is gonna be are we just going to shove everything under the rug or are we gonna be the safest place that we can be with each other so I developed a couple values for our marriage and these aren't all of them but these are just some of the main ones is that number one I I developed the value that I'm gonna lead our home and what I mean by that is that I'm going to as a man I'm going to set an atmosphere of love and safety in the house where my wife and my children feel safe emotionally spiritually to be able to let her hair down and be able to feel at peace that that I would that she would at the end of every day no that I put her first that's taken hard work because I had a lot of selfishness in me a lot of pride a lot of arrogance a lot of just garbage that that needed to be dismantled but number two besides the fact that I said I'm gonna lead our home and I'm not gonna ever my heart is never to be a dictator my heart is to serve the home that that be my leadership but number two is that we'd be we'd have a safe place where anything can be talked about and that one's tricky for people and that's something that it's not easy to go for but we decided that we're gonna go for it because I never want to give room for me or her to have an issue that either gets buried or we'll want to have room to be shared with someone outside the Covenant that could then be a hindrance and it wouldn't be I'm not just saying me with another woman just that it could be me with another man a friend that that then he becomes a confidant that steals the power of what we have in our marriage not that you know a relationship with with a good friend and confidant is inappropriate you understand in the heart what I'm saying in order for that to happen in order for there to be an environment that is capable of being able to share everything there's a very important value added on to that and that is is we have a value coming from Romans 7 where any sin issue that we're dealing with we recognize with each other as we're sharing it that stuff may be working in your life but that's not you and that's not who God says that you are you may have a sin issue but you are not the sin issue you may have a struggle but you are not the struggling so we we really begin you know Paul said this and and there's many different theological viewpoints on what he meant by it and this and the and and I'm not interested in in going down those trails but he made this statement that says when I sin it's not me doing it but sin that dwells within me there's a manifestation of another system of thought that is not of God that is operating through his members how you theologically come to that conclusion is it doesn't doesn't matter what we're saying here is we see each other as separated from our sins in view we learn to see the stuff that the enemy's bringing as is what it is that's not her heart so for example if it comes to past struggles that we had in relationships then that happened in your life it happened but that's not your heart now that's not your desire and I think that in marriage we really need to establish the intent of our hearts that's something that I I thought I continually work on in our home this is who I am this is who God says I am and this is my heart so if she has an issue with me there's something that I relay constantly back I want you to know that that's not my heart to reestablish that when things manifest through me that are not of God a let's put it on the table in a no shame environment recognizing that whatever list of sins you could put out there any of us could struggle with them and so that's why when I see people in ministry you know I recently read about a pastor who had to resign because he had an alcoholic problem you know my first response should not be oh that's terrible my first response should be sobriety because I recognize that very issue could happen in my life who might appoint my finger and say all that issue so bad in him and good thing I don't struggle with that has a very dangerous place to put yourself into it's a very dangerous mindset to have that's why the word says in Galatians that in meekness we help those who fallen under trespass less we also be tempted and how many times do we accuse and condemn others actually out of something that's actually buried in our own hearts that we don't want to deal with and so when we take shame away we recognize you got I got issues so whatever it is so we we took the risk that we were able to share whatever you got a crazy thought going on that just kind of keeps winding and for us Melissa and I we had very very difficult aspects of thought in the mind we probably if we never got healed instead of ten years being married and happy and marriage would be locked up somewhere or yeah or heavily medicated we had a lot of struggles with with obsessive thinking and and just just thought patterns that were just not healthy and balanced but we made the commitment to each other that we were gonna be there for each other not codependent lis you know and I was gonna wake up and how she's doing was gonna determine how I felt no no no no but we were gonna create an atmosphere of safety yeah yeah and I want to just point back to the reason that I shared that story is to not make everybody cry but to share that that was a big part of how we've been able to grow in tearing down the shame and having communication is that when we look at each other and deal with each other that was the greatest gift you gave me and teaching that when we first got together of that it's not you it's really the enemy trying to just take those things accuse you accuse me and seeing him that's not who he really is that's not his heart and seeing that that's really the enemy just trying to divide us right now that's just something from his past the enemy is trying to bring up and accuse him or accuse me that's something that's just working in my mindset that's not of God when we sit and rest in that no matter what issue we have it leaves it's an open playing field for communication because I don't accuse him I'm not looking at him going you this you that it's like okay this is what's going on let's deal with that talk let's talk about what's happening that has been the biggest gift I would say as far as communication that we have with each other so that when we sit across from each other eye to eye we can look each other in the eye and wholeheartedly go okay I have compassion for you that you're dealing with that right now I love you and I don't want the enemy to take us out that's very powerful and I think it helps us to see ourselves it's helped me to learn how God sees me that in Christ he's not sitting there with a list of man just when he gonna get it right you know and that's how we often treat each other in relationship that's how that's often how we deal with each other in marriage so this this has taken a lot of intention though and I've had to before God really push us that hey no we're going to deal with this issue it doesn't mean we have to solve it tonight doesn't mean have to solve it this week what we're going to deal with this another value that I have is that we're not going to just shove things away because those things that go underground it's one of the most dangerous things that we do and because of our shame and our pain we want to alleviate that as quick as possible you know and so when I was in pastoral work I ran into this a lot especially with the previous generation because their their their cliched response to me was Oh mark it's under the blood and I was like is it really under the blood when it's really just hidden under the carpet because if it's under the blood we can talk about it because it's healed if it's healed we can talk about it right isn't that the true sign of healing you testify about here's what happened it's you know not that we're backing up the truck and telling everyone all our business I'm talking about I'm talking about true processing and I know my parents their generation they had zero grid for how to deal with pain my father's my grandfather my father's father committed suicide when my dad was about 11 12 years old somewhere around there and my dad was one of 16 children there's a group on a farm in Puerto Rico and my dad was one of the last kids to actually see their father before drank poison in the barn and killed himself that's my dad's reference of fathering coming in so he he gets saved he gets born again but still has no father lens has no lens to know how to release words of the Father's heart he wasn't abusive to me but just didn't know how to express a heart of the Father my mom loses her dad at 12 years of age from pneumonia you know something that could be easily you know treated today so she gets taken out both my parents get taken out of their physical father and have no reference for how to process pain my mother's side I make the joke as I'm half Puerto Rican half Norwegian so it's like this constant fire and ice going on inside of me and my mom is entire you know the Norwegian way of dealing with pain is literally you just don't deal with pain yes Burke Burke Burke sorry so they for example my grandmother when she lost her husband was like right back at work I don't know exactly but it was yeah there were there was zero grieving I think she ever grieved and ever processed through it and my mom it was like they shed tears and as I slam back into life and so that's how they approach even to this day and they know what I do and they know what I teach it's very uncomfortable for them they don't know how and maybe you relate to that you relate to my parents grid you relate to the generations that and and our current generation is is crying out now screaming for healing but we just go into looking for love in all the wrong places whether it be sexual relationships or pornography addictions or or just Netflix binges whatever it is we're just looking for something to alleviate us from the pain my point of that whole tangent is to say one thing God's taught me is to use pain as a trigger for recognizing issues that need to be dealt with pain is a signal it's a signal to you yes it's a place where the enemy can torment the pace is the enemy working get a hold but it's also an invitation for you to let God heal because the more that you have a response is says okay I'm gonna deal with my stuff the more you bring to the marriage a more heightened level of how to begin to communicate with each other so going back to the moment that Melissa shared what I did was was as soon as she saw it the Holy Spirit just triggered in me sit down and pray with her and because I was I could have said oh yeah but that was rough let's go get some ice cream I had a choice and it was like neo in the movie The Matrix it's like I'm gonna take the red pill or the purple pill which one am I gonna go into am I gonna go into the world that says a let's just kind of this is uncomfortable and so I didn't just come into it like Superman with a cape like I'm gonna do an inner healing session with you I had no idea what I was doing I sat down in fact okay I don't even have it I don't think I even shared this part of this story when we've talked about that is I sat her down and I went into the other room and I called a friend of mine and I said hey I'm praying through some stuff any suggestions what do I do I didn't know what I was doing and what I did was I just sat down with her and I said are you why don't we start with forgiving him as to put his name on the paper let's do some repentance of bitterness and unforgiveness all that stuff let's just forgive him and then that dovetailed into other people in your life and we just created a whole list I said anybody else don't leave anyone out don't leave anyone out what's the situation because that stuff's not you you are you're you're a believer in Christ that stuff's your past that's not your identity Satan would love to make that your identity that's what he does all day long is accuse you with the battles you face and here's what I've learned about sin if if you have a struggle in any kind of stronghold the enemy has a one-two punch it's the double-barrel shotgun of spiritual warfare is he brings the issue and then accuses you over the issue so you have are you understanding what I'm saying you have the battle that you face whether it's anger or it's lost or it's fear depression or self-loathing or just a terrible self-image or rejection issues or whatever it is he's got the area that he keeps just hitting you with and then he also accuses you and condemns you for having it so in marriage if we can remove the shame and condemnation factor you have just given yourself instant leverage over the enemy's devices just say something I want to is okay to just get practical and okay so for us how this works and I'll just be real on our life okay we are in ministry ministry ain't easy okay you're dealing with people he did a lot of stuff finances all that stuff and I came into this and had to get schooled real quick on what ministry life was within two years we have a son within a couple years of that he's diagnosed with autism we are struggling financially we have all these things going on and now were deeply heartbroken over our child so we then are trying to build a church we had all these things going on and life is literally so you can take your own situations and think about everything because we all have horrible stuff going on so within all of this going on I had do are you all familiar with what birth to three is birth to three when you have a child with needs will come in your home if they're below the age of three and will work with your child so we had that and I took the full thing they were come in our home five days a week and I get pregnant with my second child in the in the middle of that we had a miscarriage and then I get pregnant with my second child so we were I mean overloaded dressed out done with everything that life wants to just pummel you in and we were going through times of like major disconnection and a lot of tough times with just even being able to sit at a table together and you know keep things a flow and all the stuff that I'm sure all of you can relate to that marriage and life brings and all of a sudden you go to sleep one night and the enemy gives you a dream about an ex-boyfriend or about an ex-girlfriend and now you wake up the next morning and this is in your mind because now we haven't connected life is doing what it's doing or whatever it could be in your life you see something on TV or you see a relationship on TV and now your heart is going well haven't really connected with him and all this really that dream was nice or that you know and we have these things in our mind that now the next day if you haven't cultivated any communication or anything together we you can share this out that little thing is going to have a field day with you and I'm using that as an extreme and it may seem extreme but it's really not because this is what we're dealing with people week to week on little things that have now wedged themselves into your marriage because it's hard in parenting these days is hard to if you have little children and you have all these things going on it's hard to find that time to connect and that's what the enemy wants to do he wants to get in there and just take your heart's desires and move them this way just a little bit and because I'm a Melissa we've had to confront a lot of things in our life and I'm not sitting here trying to say Superman came in and he ministered to me and like everything's been awesome and you know we had to work through a lot of stuff I've had to get on my knees and repent to him and vice versa but what that moment did for us like I said as it set the stage so when those things happen they don't take me out and take me into a spiral for weeks and now we're even more disconnected it it makes me stop because I respect him I know it's the enemy working through me to take my heart from his heart and say no we're gonna deal with us together and because we see each other separated from that stuff he knows it's not my heart that's not my heart too in another direction so that my heart to go after anything else it's not my heart to not connect with him we can look each other in the eye and go okay we're gonna deal with us right now and that more than anything tears down the shame tears on all those things it doesn't give the enemy an in and we become closer out of that right and it challenges us to grow in our level of love because if if I bring an issue to you that says you know and this is the the culture that we try to cultivate an issue of I had a I had a dream about some lady and and and and and and it stuck with me a little bit too much can we can we can we pray about it can we pray about it we're willing to go there and what it does is let's say she shares that with me what I have to do is I can't go into spiraling in what that makes me feel like because this is about her sharing an issue and I'm going to love her and that challenges me now to break some selfishness out of my life now yes there's boundaries and things like that but we've established that's not your heart that's never your heart my heart is to never ever let anything get in to interfere in the Covenant of our marriage ever I will love you till I die even if it kills me and it hasn't threatened to do that yet well isn't that what it isn't that the process of us as men you know the Bible says men love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave His life you know men were on you know the moment we said yes in covenant we walk the plank in a good way to die to the stuff in us that that God wants to change and so I learned the more that I died the more I I resurrect and our marriage experiences that life so from a practical place we went into a lot of different areas and avenues this is just who we are it's how we flow this is how we really like this is our ideal scenario to share so thank you for letting us do this but from a practical standpoint how do you enhance the communication in your marriage I first want to ask you to in your own heart have an honest question because self-awareness is incredibly important if you're a person that's neck deep in denial there's gonna be very difficult assess how honest is the communication in your marriage how honest are you able to be with each other because the level of honesty and transparency and authenticity is gonna set the stage I also recommend that you get some 360 feedback about your ability to communicate not just from your spouse that's a good place to start you know sometimes we have these sessions where I go okay hon we're gonna have some communication and I'm gonna ask you a question I cannot defend I cannot respond I must listen to what you're gonna say and I'm gonna take it like a man you know because I want to grow are you ready here's the question am I a good communicator okay just tell me you know not just there but from friends from pastors from leaders get solid feedback how good of a listener am i how do I am I a good communicator men you need this feedback please for for the love of all that is holy in your household please I implore you get feedback because not because you're terrible at it you just weren't mentored in it and it's easy for you to go to work and excel at work and do that and it's a whole different thing to be able to communicate your heart at home and we weren't trained in it I wasn't trained and had zero preparation for it so I had to hunger for it and learn learn I I just thought if I just say something she'll get it and we'll be fine and I had to learn communications way more than that so I've had to get feedback I've had to recognize where I talked too much and don't listen or when I'm listening I have some like for instance you know I wrote this whole book the rejection mindset I had a lot of rejection based ways of hearing and so I would respond not to what's being said but my filter of it and then I'd kick back something and then strife is in the midst and then what how in the world did I even get here get honest feedback about it 360 from as much valued input as you can take that into consideration and say where do I need to grow in those four components everybody said what's being said how it's being said what's being heard how is it being heard so as I'm listening what's my spiritual condition as I'm taking it in what are the words that I'm hearing what's the associations with it when I talk you know there were times where Melissa has told me cuz I I have like I have like a serious face right and she's like your your face doesn't match what's what you're trying to say in your heart you know or she'd ask me you know are you happy and I'm like yeah I'm great why she goes because your face is in and you need to tell your face to connect with what you're saying and so that is an observation you know some you know we have the the the resting face you know the the ugly resting face we'll call it that there's another word but I but I won't use it right now and the little things like that that can be make a big difference is that when I wake up in the morning and I come through and it's like what's wrong with you mark and I'm like I'm fine I'm just getting the cobwebs out but recognizing that my physical posture can add value to the household that I could smile and not take myself so seriously and and get all you know lost in and what I'm worried about or what I'm battling over get honest feedback then when it comes to communication make the focus about you enhancing your ability to communicate the moment you say you know what this ain't going to work until you get your stuff right you're done because you've now put the marriage all on the other person growing and you excuse yourself from having to grow so I make the decision that no matter what happens in our marriage in our life and finances with our children with life with ministry I want to have an amazing marriage and I'm going to grow and I'm not gonna focus whether she serves God or never serves God I'm going to serve Him and I'm going to serve her so that at the end of the day I grow and I bring to the marriage a growing vessel and I feel like if you have that mindset you have the mindset now of an overcomer you have a mindset of someone that can't be taken out you have any other thoughts sooner I'd like to take a moment and pray we've taken plenty of your time but I'd like to I'd like to pray and here's what I'd like to pray over I want to pray for for courage for you to be willing to have the conversation with each other where you can go to the next level where you can share heart-to-heart we're topics like I feel like I'm not connected to you I feel like when I try to share something you get defensive I feel like I have stuff in my past that comes up and it torments me and I I don't want it to and I want to be able to talk about it I don't want to have these closed off areas where we take the gloves off before we even talk we take the gloves off there's gonna be no boxing going on here there's not gonna be no you know back and forth I want to listen because those are the most valuable conversations because tears come out and and and and whenever I do marital coaching when I can get the coupled into that arena instantly I change the atmosphere they move from being separate on the couch and now they're leaning up against each other within minutes I've changed the atmosphere I just triggered some honesty and some heart connection and I've now enhanced the intimacy levels that are going on there because it's just usually some simple things that have grown over time that are hindering the next level from it taking place so father I pray in the name of Jesus for an impartation of courage that our story and where we're heading would impart grace to every believer that is here to go to the next level of what is possible in their marriage because the moment they got married they're no longer just two people living life they are now 1 and God there's a higher level of heat that you bring into the marriage of our issues being processed out and I know that you have accelerated Melissa and I at many different stages and are continuing that to fight the generations of divorce the generations of roommate marriages the generations of coldness the generations of strife and violence and and fighting that is that has been in the iniquities of our of our inheritance that God often are wanting to take us on for size and we all have a decision none of us need to be victims of our generation we can establish a new pattern in the lives and years of those that go before us so god I pray for courage to have a new level of connected honesty with each other it says I'm committed I'm committed to you I'm committed to this we're in it to win it let's put on the table what both of us need to work through let's keep the enemy out let's keep the accusation out let's keep the condemnation out no guilt no shame none of that stuff let us reason together though our sins be as scarlet they can be as white as snow well we walk in the light as he is in the light we have fellowship with one another so let's bring our issues into the light let's confess our trespasses one to another that we may be healed the father you would manifest yourself through the exchange of us heart-to-heart with each other too many times we're just kind of mind-to-mind connecting and just sharing information and all is the weather today and oh hey we have an appointment this week and we're just doing business together God would you just even ride home even in our our lunchtime today or walks that we take this afternoon or just west we lay our heads to bed at night there just be some deeper sharing that even husband's you'd be able to say you know I I don't know how to communicate but I want to I don't know how to share my heart but I want to I don't know how to stop being angry I don't know how to stop doing whatever it is but I want to and in that atmosphere God releases His grace because it's the posture of humility so god I just thank you for that bless these people bless our time tomorrow together that the deposit that's here would last at the family which is the cornerstone of life in this world it's what the church builds its strength around would impact the region in the nation in Jesus name Amen thank you so much for letting us be here with you and sharing

Channel: Mark DeJesus

Views: 7,390

Rating: 4.6842103 out of 5

Keywords: Marriage, Communication

Id: zue3P7O_8Es

Length: 59min 39sec (3579 seconds)

Published: Fri Nov 17 2017