I'm detransitioning. (FTMTF)

all right hi everyone i just want to kind of get into this because i only have 30 minutes to film this and you know not a ton of battery but that's irrelevant i have a script here uh so if i'm looking to the side sorry i i i can't memorize it because it's like what 12 pages so here's the deal i'm de-transitioning it's true it's not a joke some of you may know that i am open about it on twitter um and a couple of other platforms but i have not made i haven't talked about it here and so i put a lot of thought into this script basically it was just me talking and jason being my scribe the first section i'm going to talk about the first feelings of doubt that i had essentially talking about why am i trans why am i detransitioning the second part is going to be going over my initial reasons for transitioning from the i mean i've talked about that at length on this channel but it's going to be from you know with hindsight and then the final third part is going to be about my faith and that is where i suspect i will lose a lot of you because christianity is so scoffed at and especially you know in the context of gender and sexual orientation it can get pretty contentious but i hope that you'll hear me out and understand that it's not as simple as it might seem on the surface of the narrative so i will now start talking about my first feelings of doubt i can't really pinpoint the first thought that i ever had but it was after my transition had finished and that was when i changed all of my legal documents and i felt like i could breathe after that like i was i'm done let's live my life the way it was supposed to for the first time and it was there was a strong sense of relief in the in the immediate you know and after four years of effort i had thoughts like that not necessarily like oh no i think i regret this but more like what if i regretted this they weren't really that real because they weren't connected to me and i felt like i i i couldn't really have any feelings of regret until i had actually finished the transition but i was anxious about it though i thought you know if oh this better be right or else i'll die i didn't want to make it real what's most terrifying to us we make less real rough estimate of when i started having real doubts was in april of 2019 around my 21st birthday now only the surface of the thought would come and then a really sick sinking feeling in my entire torso not just my stomach but my entire torso would overtake me it was the most terrifying i don't know it it wouldn't bother me throughout my day so much but it would come when i was lying in bed as i was going to sleep that kind of thing alone with your thoughts that kind of thing and accompanied with that feeling was feelings of like being incomplete that was really big and that i would never be complete because i've already done everything that i set out to do and yet i still feel this dissonance and the dissonance was actually more apparent than the dissonance that i felt before my initial transition and that was deeply deeply concerning to me because transition is supposed to correct that initial dissonance i don't want to call it dysphoria um but i mean you you could think about it that way but it was deeper in a way i hated my body now not because of how it looked necessarily not because it looked female but because i knew that if i had left it untouched i wouldn't now feel so incoherent and irreconcilable after my transition and it wasn't a man's body you know i mean no matter how many well-meaning people tried to curb my insecurity by telling me that i am just as much a man as any cis man i knew that it wasn't true but i realized if i had actually gotten there and if i looked in the mirror and was indistinguishable from a cis man i would also have been indistinguishable from myself and would have felt as if not even more empty i remember trying so hard for about a year to gain mass so that i could feel more complete and that was like the step for me after top surgery you know get rid of the breasts now actually start building mass so you can take off your shirt without feeling like your appearance was deeply jarring to people but as soon as i realized that was a lost cause um because i don't eat enough and my body type isn't made for that you know no gains so i soon realized that that wasn't going to happen i didn't feel regret throughout the process like in the first three years because in the first three four years i was working towards something and maybe maybe i just didn't entertain the feelings of regret because when one step ended i would immediately start thinking about the next step and when my voice started to change i was elated when i got top surgery i was elated and so naturally because i was elated after each step i thought you know this that meant that i was going in the right direction but when i was finished i was left incomplete broken that's how i felt i'm not saying that trans people are all incomplete and broken i'm saying that's how i felt okay i wasn't gonna say stuff like oh i've mutilated myself i've damaged myself i try to avoid that language i don't think it's productive i i mean i couldn't think that i was already having these doubts and it was so agonizing already you know i mean i was suicidal because i only had two options i was either going to live with the regret and just kind of perform the rest of my transition just kind of take on the performances mail and deal with it or try to reverse it from around last april april 29 2019 to december of 2019 my plan was initially to simply live with the regret and in the fall of 2019 i was still keeping it mostly to myself like i could i mean i couldn't even say the words i regret my transition i couldn't bear to hear myself say it and it that seldom happens with me you know i i don't have a i don't have a hard time saying what i want i couldn't utter the words it was the it was the unthinkable it was my greatest nightmare when winter came i started kind of sneaking it into conversations with people usually people i didn't know that well where it wouldn't really matter like that i said it and i was going a lot of dates at this time from around september 2019 to march 2020 and i remember telling some of these people usually obliquely that i that i regret it because the thoughts were tormenting me so much i had to tell someone like i said i was in hell like every single day didn't think i was gonna make it past 30. couldn't could not see a future as a trans man or as a woman like my future was just null and void it was unlike any depression i've ever felt before it was like staring into an abyss where your future should be yeah i was in agony usually with depression you're kind of you're numb you have a lack of joy but this was like i was walking around on fire every single day and i want to take a moment to say that part of why this regret was so difficult and so unbearable was that i believed or had been told to believe that if i came to regret my transition i would likely kill myself or if i didn't transition at all i would likely kill myself had it not been for that narrative then i think i would have been able to get through the dysphoria and develop as my own person and come to terms with it and learn to be myself in a more real meaningful way uh which seems to be what transitioning is for some people becoming themselves in the mo in the deepest most meaningful way possible but it wasn't for me clearly so i would open up to you know virtual strangers because i didn't care much about how they responded i couldn't tell someone close to me because you know that would make it real someone i talked to around this time not not on a date but somebody on campus we we had gotten into a semi-deep conversation and they asked me do i regret it do i regret my transition and i just i was just like yes didn't even have to think about it it was a hard yes so okay we'll go over this part fairly briefly why'd i transition in the first place basically all of the basic features of my experience a lot of what i was feeling about wanting to be a boy lined up with the narrative of the 2015 sort of trans explosion and i had verbally stated that i wanted to be a boy since early childhood and i never really grew out of it there were two thoughts that really kind of sealed it for me and i realized that they were both future focused one was that i've never felt comfortable being a girl so why would i ever feel comfortable being a girl in the future the second was that i truly could not imagine myself as a grown woman i don't know why i just couldn't only i could only see a grown man but they were how i was rationalizing what i wanted to do with my transition i didn't have physical dysphoria what i was told to describe what i was feeling was social dysphoria i didn't want to be a guy i wanted to be seen by others as a guy i wanted to express my felt masculinity to the extremist extent that i could and exercise anything feminine in me or about me i realized now that i was trying to control the way other people saw me and that's you know it was mostly about being able to have control over how people would perceive me and i had every reason to be confident in this desire to transition because i thought i had a male soul because that was the narrative and i saw all these other trans men all these handsome buff aidens and elliots and i wanted to be like them i wanted to be accepted and liked and celebrated the way that they were you know i'm not i'm i know that that sounds very immature and attention-seeking but i mean there is an element that you know that's validly what i wanted it was from a place of envy i saw all these other people being received for who they were intelligible to others and it seemed to always work for these people they would say i'm so much happier now that i'm on t now i can start my life i can finally be myself and i wanted to say those things and feel that way you know i'm a four enneagram i know in my farm video i said it was five but i'm actually a four and you know as a four to hear those things you think oh so clearly this is what i need to do this is the answer to all of my problems vanity was also involved i was like oh i'm gonna be so cute i'm gonna be this like artsy gay guy type and that'll be my place in the world and i was harder to categorize as a female because there were things about me that were masculine because i dressed androgynously and i was really insecure about people being confused about what my sexuality was and i don't want people to be confused about who i am and what i am and i imagined you know what if there's a guy that i'm attracted to thinking oh she looks like a lesbian which now i see is silly and you know like i wanted to wear a suit to prom but i thought oh i can't do that because i'm a straight girl and i had to become a boy if i wanted to dress like one which again is exactly the antithesis of the philosophy of you know gender fluidity and i didn't understand like why do trans people talk about blurring the lines between genders i want them to be fixed so that i can put myself in a box and be intelligible to people and i couldn't relate to the idea of you know wanting to blur the lines at first i wasn't sure if i wanted to get top or bottom surgery but then i wasn't passing which was infuriating and i would freak out if somebody were to misgender me even if it was a stranger because it meant that i was failing because the way i looked the way i naturally was was interpreted in a way different from how i wanted to be interpreted in a way that would bring me daily pain so i was like well clearly this is what dysphoria is right um clearly i need to go on t as soon as possible so i can finally be seen as who i am and again this is a who i am that i had control over it was a who i am that was intelligible to others that was seen that was seen period and i couldn't focus on anything else at the beginning i had a great social life i was friends with other trans people and i felt like i could deeply relate to them i was making videos about it um i think in part because i wanted to show people how serious i was about it it was everything it really was my whole identity and i wanted to be validated for it and i think there was a part of me also that wanted to be hated for it weirdly enough i wanted people to write awful things to be viscerally disgusted it was this really weird cathartic thing where it would really hurt to read it but at the same time it would feel good in a way it was its own sort of validation i could feel persecuted i could feel seen and i could know that i was something because people were reacting to me but it was a me that wasn't really me so i was protected i was protecting myself with the trans label from them attacking my like integral soul i guess i mean it's not deep it's not deep it's just youtube comments but i tend to make everything deep and so it was it was as if i decided to put a poster in front of my face that said trans in big capital letters and so when people would insult me that was all they were insulting the poster not me because they couldn't see me not really they just saw my transness and were and had a strong reaction to it and my identity was still intelligible and meaningful but again it wasn't really me so throughout all this i had this relentless desire to be seen yet simultaneously this fear of it i was terrified of someone knowing what i was really like deep down and so i made myself into someone only to be seen created this facade and protected my real self whoever that was or is with the promise of some distant future where i could be happier and at this point in my life i'm in late high school and i was not interested in anything to do with god at all that wasn't at least until the second half of my whole transition anyway so that was my reasoning for transitioning in the first place my parents didn't support me but again it was kind of like you know i have that narrative of persecution i mean i was sad that they didn't support me i was sad that i couldn't celebrate my milestones with them without having an argument but again it was like i it was so easy for me to just dismiss all of my parents you know contentions with it it's just oh they're just transphobic you know they're old they don't get it they're from a different generation it was so easy to dismiss to dismiss any of their concerns with just oh that transphobia shouldn't listen to them they don't really know me i'm 17. i do what i want so my interest in christianity emerged alongside my doubtful feelings of transition before that i had doubts but i always kept them at a certain distance and because if i face them i would have to it would mean that i would have to contend with my maker essentially i had believed in god before this but not a personal god not a god that intentionally makes and guides every single individual not a god that cares about me i think even then i really believed all these things deep down but i couldn't face them consciously because of what its implications were for my life not just my d transition but everything in my life and i still couldn't shake the feeling of god that there was a god and even back in high school when i thought i was this hardcore atheist i still believed deep down i just couldn't admit it so and i just chose not to think about it for many years which seems crazy now because it's all i ever think about but again what we're most terrified of we tend to make less real around this time i started watching like christian lifestyle videos on youtube where people would talk about their faith and how it influences their life and i remember being repelled and fascinated by it at the same time and i remember thinking too that if i ever became a christian i wouldn't want to be like that you know living with restrictions and i realize now that i treated transitioning like it was a resurrection right i didn't understand how religious my motives were for transitioning i wanted to be born again but i wasn't willing yet to do it in christ i wanted to be in control not to submit to seed control so i chose to worship my identity to worship masculinity well you see in order to be born again you need something higher than you to go to you can't die to yourself and be born again without god i was the determiner of my self-definition i couldn't deal with the female part of me i couldn't deal with myself as i was as god made me so i tried to erase pretending i was moving towards something more authentic but as i transitioned it quickly became clear that that wasn't happening and after i did as i was experiencing starting to experience regrets i became much better acquainted with the part of me that was essentially female i realized that i am in some ways very essentially female i enjoyed performing a male role and maybe some people would say that that's all identity and gender really is maybe it is but i don't i don't think so there's a part of me that feels deeper than that a part of me that is god-given and i finally realized i think that that part of me is female how i mean how terribly i wanted to be a mother how i imagined my future life how i needed not wanted to be seen and we need to be seen and loved for that not for something else even if it's more intelligible and these were really these were real desires these are not culturally like my wanting to be a mother and a wife are real desires and not culturally made tropes that's not to say that it couldn't be exactly the other way for somebody else i know given how high the stakes are of these things i realize how tempting it will be to over personalize this and assume anything i say involves shoulds and should nots like this is how you should be not just this is how it is for me but i promise you that that's not what i'm doing all i'm saying is this is what it was for me okay i can't i can't control people's reactions to this and at the end of the day i have to let go of being able to control what people think of or how they react to or perceive me i care about you the person watching this but i don't care if i offend people something i would do a lot in my videos is that i would aggressively disclaim and qualify everything i said i really cared about disclaiming qualifying everything i said or thought the same way i cared about qualifying myself and who i was and justifying everything i said or thought and justifying myself to myself and not to god but i will say be careful drawing what might seem like easy conclusions from this for self-serving reasons i didn't choose to de-transition because i thought it was a sin these things came to coincide in my life but one did not necessarily cause the other but at the same time you know becoming drawn to christianity and having regrets about about transition it's not like it's just happenstance they were both part of a greater thing a redemption a more genuine type of rebirth and so during april at the height of quarantine i had to really ask myself what i wanted to get out of my study of christianity because if you remember i made a video about a year ago talking about why i studied theology as a non-christian but i had to ask myself you know what is the ultimate goal here why am i doing this and so one day i just decided i'm going to start taking the bible seriously as truth like as the truth capital t truth and i realize this might sound like self-indoctrination but i was like desperate for meaning and i keep talking about how i'm looking for meaning through this but part of me maybe wasn't genuinely looking for meaning because of what i knew that converting would mean for my life thinking that you could really understand the bible and have it affect your life in a meaningful way without submitting to it without taking it seriously as what it says it is is naive anyone who reads the bible as cultural narrative or mythology that's all it will end up being to them likewise as something to criticize or laugh at which is how i used to read it so i started praying as i would read scripture and i would pray with the understanding that the almighty god the creator of the universe was listening and i opened myself up to scripture and i didn't give my life to christ just yet but i opened myself up to scripture in prayer and i would do this seriously and i had some very powerful moments there's really no other way to say this i felt the presence of god it wasn't really like i was looking for it it just came over me i probably made the decision to come to christ sometime when i was in that prayer room because for the first time i knew what i really believed and i knew who i really was i was gods i belonged to god and i had spent two years intellectualizing this and distancing myself from it and yet all i had to do was knock all i had to do was seek him that's what i prayed at the beginning you just show yourself to me and it was more real than any self-administered spiritual experience i've ever tried to have and i realized in that moment that god his presence i was suddenly feeling had been there with me through all of it and had sent me through it knowing that it would lead me back to him and after this first encounter with god i could suddenly understand what christians were talking about when they talk about giving their problems to god it wasn't a moralized thing i didn't think i was doing something wrong by being trans i think all sin is inherited from a type of self-worship self-worship absent of self-acceptance and that unwillingness to accept myself acted as a blockade between god and i not because i was trans and that i needed that that was superficially incompatible with being christian but because to be with god i needed to adore his creation and not mine to submit to his control and stop trying to control everything in my life and it was a relief to come to this the realization that i was not the one in control and that in the grand scheme of things i had no control these these aren't talking points or empty meaningless words this is what i actually believe please see that so i found my identity in christ and not in gender and i continue to worship and pray and read scripture with a submissive heart and i have never felt more alive in my entire life maybe i never really felt alive in the first place in this language maybe won't make any sense to a lot of you and i'm not saying that to be judgmental like oh you haven't experienced what i have like that's not it i'm just telling you what i've experienced and anything else is completely beyond my understanding what i do understand now is that i am saved i am redeemed and that i am god's and not my own and that's the only way that i can move forward with my life having come to that realization is by following him is being authentic to myself as he has made me to be also to be clear there is no part of me that is doing this for any type of social validation clearly as perhaps you know might have been part of my motivation before you know with transitioning because i'm fully aware of the intense mockery and scoffing that is about to come my way and i'm doing i'm doing this for myself for others who may need it and ultimately for god and i'm not saying what anyone should do or how anyone else should understand god and i realize that it might be hard to believe me when i say that but i'm not in control i'm not and i needed to make this video honestly without worrying what other people might think so moving forward just from a logistics sense right now my goal is to be fully detransitioned by january 2021 so that basically means you know living full time as daisy again don't know when i'm going to change my name on this on on youtube but hopefully soon right and this involves not only a lot of practical steps like changing my legal name and buying a new wardrobe where i have enough clothes to go out every day as a woman and learning how to do makeup in a reasonable amount of time but it also means i have three months where i have to tell every single person in my life and that's another big reason why i'm making this video not just to tell people familiar with me in a distant sense but to explain it to my family and the people in my life to be seen for once as who i am not as who for shallow meaningless reasons i would like to be so that's what's happening and i think that's all i have to say for this video and uh my name is daisy and i'm a woman thank you so much for watching and i'll see you in the next video

Channel: Daisy Chadra

Views: 391,135

Rating: 4.7912288 out of 5

Keywords:

Id: R_KD46_Ophg

Length: 26min 55sec (1615 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 26 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/[deleted]]

See I don't understand people who were happy with their transition for years and then suddenly want to detransition. That doesn't really make any sense to me, how can your dysphoria just change like that?

[u/jin_rouh]

"I didn't want to be a guy, I wanted to be seen as a guy" and that for me... what resume it all. Social dysphoria (or simply gender roles) don't make you trans (while it can be linked to dysphoria), it's physical dysphoria that make you trans.

I like how calm and gentle she was too, not making it sound like something dramatic or making us look like it's our fault.

I'm not religious (and will never be with my background education) but I find very interesting how many detransionners turns themselves towards faith. Hope she'll get better now that she's "herself".

[u/joys_that_sting]

ftm-spike of 2015

Wow, there's a name for this phenomenon?

Anyway - if someone suggests that maybe what you did was a fleeting fancy, just say "see you in 2040". You can talk about your feelings until you're blue in the face, and skeptics will still be doubtful. The only real 'proof' is time.

But yeah, it does sucks how these voices are much louder than people who are happily living transitioned.

[u/DracoMalfoyTrash]

Why is it that detransitioners always get the best voicedrops??

[u/PIANO_PERSON]

Can I just say, what's with all the Christian stuff?

Christianity can be super toxic. It really messed my life up as a kid because my parents were ultra right wing conservative Christians. All these arbitrary rules and having to "ask forgiveness".

Having an internal belief is ok to an extent. But for most Christians it doesn't stay there.

Like, I was taught as a kid that people that weren't Christian's were going to hell. What brought me out of that was taking a solo trip to New York when I was 18. I just walked around as and saw every different race and religion right next to me on the street or subway.

It made me realize that their was people on the complete other side of the world who believe the same thing. That their religion was the "real" one s d if you didn't follow it your bad.

The lack of empathy and willingness to see others and put yourself into their shoes, HONESTLY, is crazy to me. How can people not see that being a Christian is kinda a white European thing. But someone from Indonesia will have a mirror image of being taught their religion is absolute.

I don't think this girl will be happy in a few years. She's found a new group to be apart of and feels accepted and amazing. But that feeling will fade and she will see how little it makes any sense at all.

[u/willowinthewind3]

I hope she can feel comfortable in her body soon.

Honestly it really sucks so many people are detransitioning. It's just so shitty for them and can be used as ammunition against people transitioning now. Nobody wins except transphobes.

[u/Yesten_]

We really need to make it more well-known that social dysphoria alone doesn't make you trans and that physical dysphoria (since childhood or early puberty) is the actual indicator of our condition.

[u/bigpurplebubble]

She needs to seek therapy, its clear for me atleast that she still absolutely cares about how she is perceived. Shes giving herself a reason to detransition by believing its God pulling her that way, sure she probably should detransition but why can't she just acknowledge that its an internal thing?

Nothings wrong with believing in a god or gods but some statements really worried me. She seems to want to always follow something and I think she should pave her own path. I'm glad she's not seeking control all of the time but I also don't think she should forfeit all control thats concerning.

[u/Matthewfabianiscool]

I remember she considered herself a truscum when she was transitioning (I watched her videos. I was a big fan.). It’s almost like it’s not just a tucute thing.