I'm A Gold Digger, I Married A Tree For Its Money

I was standing in front of all these people in my wedding dress across from a tree in a tux don't worry I felt as dumb as it looked my face was burning hot I could hear people laughing at me I thought about myself bending down to lock lips with a leaf and oh man how the hell had my life gotten here well let's rewind a bit hi my name is Chi Chi and I know what you're thinking was he hot but seriously yeah you read the title right I married a tree-like legally and no I'm not entirely crazy just a little bit desperate you see my family is loaded my grandma makes Bill Gates look like a hobo growing up that was always something to look forward to based on the boring legal papers that were drawn up every kid in my family has been set to get a ton of cash the minute they turn 20 I was stoked because honestly there was no way in hell I'd be able to make that much on my own my brother is a year older than me and when I saw what happened to him when he got his inheritance my mind was blown he went from a crappy car to a luxury car worth a half a billion he moved out of his dinky dorm and got a friggin mansion don't get me started on the girls that were suddenly all over him I mean I know he's my brother but I'm definitely the one that got the looks I didn't really have that plan with my money I mean I wanted to blow a little of it because honestly who wouldn't but my real goal was kinda lame I wanted to open a bakery I was gonna take that money get a baker you get a nice little house and then just live every day like a character in a stupid rom-com sounds pretty sweet right yeah I sure thought so but when I turned 20 I found out my grandma sure didn't think so I woke up that morning actually glowing I felt like a billion bucks probably because I was about to get that handed to me I showed up at her house and asked for my money this evil frigging woman laughed in my face like I get that she's my grandma but I wanted to deck her in her wrinkly old face like you're kidding me right in her crotchety chain-smoking old voice she told me you're not getting that money until you're married honey I can't have you going out and spending the money on the things little floozy spend their money on I'm sorry little floozies didn't make grandma just call me it not that you're a total floozy hon great so my grandma didn't think I was a total soul I lashed out at her telling her it was super unfair my brother got his inheritance you know what she had the nerve to say he's a man he can handle his money on his own you need a man he can handle his money I saw him buy a diamond-studded athletic Cup last week are you kidding me so I did just what you would expect I went off on grandma I went to town calling her sexist calling her old telling her it was a dumb rule and that he shouldn't always be the favorite just because of the crap hanging between his legs that's when she tells me if I'm not married by the end of the week I'm done no money ever you know that moment when you've realized you've crossed the line and your blood runs cold yeah I had run a couple of miles past that line and my entire body was frozen she made me sign a contract I didn't know what to do stand by my principles or get money obviously I chose money I'm not dumb so unfortunately the hunt for my husband began naturally it began where most marriages do at a bar but holy crap I've never hated anything more in my life do you ever want to see pathetic though to a bar and sit alone I've never seen more creepy guys in my life you know how many guys walked up to me and said where have I seen your gorgeous face before I mean come on or how about if I buy you a drink will I get dessert I couldn't do it I went home I bought some mozzarella sticks and sat in my crappy apartment and watched my bakery owning dreams take a nosedive out the window I put on some reality TV to drown my sorrows and that's when I saw it a woman who married a rollercoaster legally she blabbered on and on about how they were in love and she got a real marriage certificate to back up her claims obviously this woman was frigging insane but as I went to change the channel I realized a marriage is a marriage so I stroll down to the supermarket to pick myself up a husband in a pair of fuzzy slippers no makeup and no bra I found him a dinky little lemon tree sapling in a pot there was something pathetic about it that I loved I guess so I bought him and took him to the courthouse I had to do this before I got some sense knocked into me when I went up to the window and demanded a marriage license I thought I was going to be tossed into a straitjacket and wheeled away that instant the person behind the counter blinked at me and reached for the phone like she was about to call the police I told her I was serious she didn't stop reaching I'll speak to your manager and get you fired if you don't give me it I don't know where it came from had I suddenly become a mean middle-aged Karen of a person that must have done it because she started filling out the forms she asked for his name and they blurted out the first thing I could think of lemon II lemony she asked rolling her eyes don't say my husband's name that way I barked maybe I would play the possessive crazy wife role like a champ I left with the marriage certificate in tow and went straight to my grandmother's Lemony in the passenger seat I slapped the license down and told her to pay up she asked where the heck my husband was and I motioned to lemon II you would have thought I had told the meanest joke on earth she scowled at me gritting her teeth and rolled her eyes don't tell me you've lost your mind she snapped I mean I was but with good reason I told her I really loved lemon II and his strong branches God it sounded so dumb but when grandma looked at the contract we had signed the truth crushed down on her marriage certificate equals money and I had a marriage certificate she slid a check across to me you guys that's the moment I won the lottery I thought of all the things floozy spend money on and I started writing my list new outfits check new stilettos high enough to break my neck in check new house check new hot tub damn right I didn't even sleep I ran around buying all the things I hadn't been able to over the next few days this is what real living felt like I tucked Lemony in a closet and went out to make my dreams reality when I found the building that was gonna be my bakery I wanted to sob finally I was going to have the life that I had always wanted I hadn't even spent an eighth of the money I was going to have a business I was gonna be able to do what I loved for a living everything was falling into place I mean that's what I thought until I noticed the black car behind me I went to the mall it was there I went to a tinder dates house it was there I started driving miles and miles in circles to see if they were still there one day I couldn't do it anymore were they the mob some thugs some creep from high school I drove down an alley and cornered the car asking who it was I rushed to the car and banged on the windows asking who it was honestly I felt cool as hell I felt like a spy in a movie I mean a bad one but still a spy the man put his hands up my glasses bad it red fraud assessment that was all I needed of course they were fraud assessment I mean my marriage was a friggin fraud the man told me I had a week and it wasn't looking good I mean my husband was sitting in a closet rotting on the drive home I passed by the bakery the realization that I could lose my money that I could lose the bakery my entire dream it was too much so I did what any absolutely insane person would I started taking the lemon tree out with me we went out to dinner lemony sat across from me in front of people I could see people whispering it took every fiber of my being to hold my tongue to resist telling them off but I knew I couldn't I had to act in love so I caressed the leaves I wanted to throw myself

Channel: My Story Animated

Views: 3,026,238

Rating: 4.7702246 out of 5

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Id: C1FiEIG_yuA

Length: 10min 17sec (617 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 12 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/akariablazepaw93]

There's also a part 2 for some reason