I Raised My Son To Be A Man, Not Gay! | KARAMO

uh a lot happened when I was 13 when I was 13 I actually was out it uh by a family member of mine yeah we were sitting uh at a dinner table and this person found explicit content on my computer I was 13 in exploring you know the world let's call it um and then this person took my computer turned it around to my whole family and that's how I was forced uh out and how did your mom react at that moment she she seemed shocked everybody seemed shocked but what happened was she then kind of brought me outside and I felt started berating me like and when I say that I mean asking a lot of questions that at 13 you're not prepared to answer and I feel that if I was straight and the same thing happened you know people say things all the time oh give Kids magazines and all this sort of stuff and I feel like it was because I was gay not because of the content that this became such a big deal such an eruption it kind of was the first time I felt unprotected by my mom in this whole thing and I feel like as adults you have the ability to take these situations and reframe the shame is maybe what how I would describe it and it really it you know that was that's that's was the beginning of a series of events that left me feeling that same way was your relationship with your mom good before that yeah me and my mom were like best of friends my father died when I was three so it was really me and my mom that were left with each other I feel like it completely reframed our our relationship because a lot of what happened afterwards the you know sometimes like the name calling and and some of the other things that would happen really just left me feeling like parentless sometimes got it and what was it like living in the house afterwards after this moment yeah it was difficult because I feel like my mom harbored a lot of resentment towards me and so the way it enacted itself was me feeling very isolated and alone and then I think it just again it kind of went on I was I actually when I went to college for my the first week I was in college I was actually sexually assaulted while I was there so you know then my mom it it you know I would say it gets better but you know it's it's always something the six with you um but when that happened and I was thinking of who to call I actually called my aunt and I didn't call my mom because I felt like she would again blame this you know these tropes of gay men as promiscuous and like that kind of mentality do you feel like she presents you I think my mom Mourns a version of our life that she wishes she would have so how did you cope with this isolation in that time I you know some people turn to all kinds of things for me it was really turning to school I went to Brown I went to Harvard I worked on Wall Street I did all these things so it thank you thank you but for me you single cuz I got a couple homeboys I can hook you up with that's all the stuff that happened but for me that comes with a lot of hurt because that was my my reaction to feeling like I was so alone it was trying to overcompensate in these other ways because when it was Scholastic achievement everything was great my mom would be happy you know when I graduated I was going to brown big celebration party but it's always about those things and it always Loops back to this idea of like my mom being this great mom and all these accomplishments and then it just minimizes my experience which was really a flawed childhood you know in a lot of ways listen you preaching to the choir why you think I got a talk show I you I tell people all the time people are like what I'm like trauma yeah trauma let you you have a daddy that who only applauds you when you successful you going to find out how to be successful because you're searching for that love you know we can joke about it now because we made it but it's we've all done that we respond to like the love we didn't get in a certain way and I'm like for me it was the same thing I was like oh so you don't want to acknowledge my me being gay you don't want to acknowledge these things I'm going through but you do acknowledge when I get a good grade or when I achieve or when something goes well so let me keep achieving to make to make me feel like I'm getting the love that I should have just gotten unconditionally so I understand that I get I get that um thank you for validating that yeah I get it I understand it you're welcome so what do you need from your mom today I need my mom to stop focusing on making herself feel better about the mother she was and focus on validating and affirming my feelings and where I stand so I can heal because I feel like what happens is every time we engage in these conversations it flips to what I was crying too I was sad too I was this too and sometimes I talk to my mom about this concept of like emotional immaturity which is a very new term that I've kind of started but it's like my mom's inability to to just accept and stand in who she was limits her from validating who I am and where I am and what happened to me you know got it well um thank you for being clear about that let's hear what your mother has to say about this so everyone please welcome TJ to the show hi TJ you looks absolutely beautiful how are you doing it's a pleasure to meet you nice to meet you as well doing okay man yeah doing okay awesome um so how do you feel about what was said where do I start yes okay so when I had just came home from work and his brother and his his family were at the house we were in the process of getting ready to celebrate Dakota's 13th birthday MH as soon as I walked in the house the computer was turned around and it was gay porn I was shocked mhm I wasn't prepared for that yeah and then two in all honesty I'm a baby boomer that's not what we did you know if if if if it was then it was talked about behind closed doors you know that wasn't something that we just openly ex you know know my parents didn't accept it it was just shocking and so I didn't really know what to do I couldn't stop crying because what I knew was that my son was a black man and not just a black man but now a black gay man I knew what society would do to him just eat him up and spit him I don't have a problem with sexuality it's just that I didn't want it for him you you're you oh you're you are entitled to feel how you feel and your feelings are valid for you and I accept that my difficulty is that we're having a conversation about we're here to talk about the heal these these elements right and it always shifts back to me me me me me with my mom I felt this way what did I experience I didn't know this I didn't know that and she said the world was going to chew you up and spit you out and look at me today it didn't so can you just accept that maybe you had the wrong View and validate that that and and I will accept it I own it and I hear what you're saying and I apologize and I've been apologizing for years do you think he's forgiven you no you flipped our parent child relationship on its head when you said the things you said to me when I was that age what did your what did your mother say to you let's just say I raised you to be a man and not gay I'll just say you know let's just I'll I'll put it like that was she saying the f word it wasn't the f word but variations you know this you know this is this is you know these sort of things they they sting you I apologize yes I I accept that but I you've said you apologize for that before too but then still sit here and say well I can't imagine ever talking to my mom like this well are you're it's not a normal parent child Dynamic not to mention that because you were a single mom I had to take on a lot more as a child and so our whole relationship is more of a partnership than a parentship is what I would say do you feel like it's more of a partnership well when his dad passed at three I told him I said we're Partners I said and let me tell you why we're Partners I said because what I need you to do is I I need you to empower your brain I didn't want him going down the same path his dad went down so my whole thing was to throw everything I had behind him so that he could be intelligent more exposing him to everything I could in the world do you feel like you treated him differently I did mhm I own that I did Dakota in my opinion he robbed me of a daughter-in-law that I could to T that I could literally torture that's that is I know I know but that's just how I am dakot I'm just being honest with you and I told you that he want me of a daughter-in-law of the the the typical the typical family you know um grandkids and I know he said he's he's going to have grandkids and God knows I can't wait you already make my family that's for the future for me feel like it's less than no Dakota it does Dakota it's not less than Dakota it's not less that is h no it's not because you're saying Rob and I know that you're it's minimizing and I I am whole I will have a family that is whole nothing about me or the family that I have is anything less than some idea that you have in your mind about what it should be Dakota I apologize I can't apologize you keep apologizing you keep saying the same stuff so it's what is the point of apolog in because because I just want us to move forward that's all I want I just want us to move forward it's really hard to move forward with the things that you say it's really hard to move forward do you understand how the words that you're saying how they're why they're triggering him and hurting him I do okay so from your perspective why do you think you're saying that cuz I want to know I that's what I've always said you know it's it's not that I'm trying to trigger him or Hur him cuz I'm not I'm not trying trying to do that but it's just the way I was raised and what I know yeah it's not you know you don't know but you don't know you know I never even heard of emotional immaturity I never even heard of some of these turns until re are like what the heck is that hell you know I think it's important that I that we come here and the reason why we're here is because I think I don't and I don't feel like you're alone I think there are other kids and families out there with the same exact issues I think it's just not talked about a lot it's a lot to come talk about this here no I appr I appreciate both of your braving because the truth of the matter is is that it is there's two different Generations that we're looking at here who are speaking and saying that we love each other and we want to support each other but there's a generation that didn't have the knowledge that many of us have like abolutely um TJ I want you to get this I'm going to use the language you've said back to so you can understand that when you say things to him it robs him of his emotions it robs him of his dreams do you see that because like you saying like I do now you do now because like I understand not just today I'm talking about maybe a couple of weeks ago I started getting it yeah I got it because the thing is and I appreciate you expressing that point for me and I understand how it triggered you and I understand what you're saying you need to your mom you need her to I want you to tell her just clearly one more time what you need I need you to stop trying to reframe your motherhood in my adolescence and P you know puberty times except that it was flawed and stop trying to make excuses for it and for yourself in this active Journey towards us moving forward moments like what just happened put us back can take us back so can you do that can you I can you can so from now on the past no more like I'm going to justify I'm going to explain I'm just going to acknowledge it was not right I I can definitely do that okay I can I can because I'm I'm here to move forward not to go back yeah I I got I got to tell you something El same yeah I got to hold on I got to tell you something though um a miss the hurt which is very valid I have to acknowledge you actually have a mother who's actually trying to grow agree and one of the things that I think when it comes to this Generations different Generations is that we want them to grow at our pace and we don't realize that she has to grow at her Pace absolutely and I think one of the things that as she's making this commitment I would ask you to make a commitment to give her a little bit more grace in her growth I receive that I'll do that I receive that listen I I'm I hope you feel heard I do do you feel as if this was the first step in yall getting somewhere I absolutely do and I thank you for it yeah you're welcome do you feel good absolutely thank you so I wish you all the best of luck there's a lot of love here you're welcome everyone thanks for being with us make sure to come back next time friend so we can keep talking and growing I love you [Applause] [Music] [Music] all

Channel: Karamo Show

Views: 360,048

Keywords: Karamo

Id: 3_6SroG_2lI

Length: 13min 31sec (811 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 14 2024