I Make $650,000 A Year And Scared About Combining Finances

Alyce's with us in canada hi Alice how are you hi good how are those of you great talking dr. John and me help um I think you're the perfect ones to help me um so I was in a difficult marriage for a long time and it was especially hard to leave because I didn't have access to the funds in the marriage so finally I got myself out and over years I rebuilt my finances and established freedom financially and now I'm in a relationship and have been for years and we're talking about marriage and now I'm in the position where I make a lot more money and I do believe as you do that sharing finances is important but it kind of scares me to potentially lose control again if that makes any sense yeah I mean what you would say makes a lot of sense so what are you making what you make I make about 650 and makes about 150 what do you do 650 god oh wow so impressive good for you you said that's so casually okay I make a little bit more than him and then you just boom yeah so that's amazing congratulations okay 50 well I do not recommend prenuptial agreements except in situations where the the differences are extreme and the differences here are extreme okay and so I would recommend a prenuptial agreement another example would be I was coaching talking to a young lady who had inherited eight million dollars and she's marrying her highschool boyfriend who had never had eight dollars and nothing wrong with the marriage you can go ahead and do that but but yeah because what happens is this the money in there in your case it's income or her case there's a pile of money does not necessarily make you weird or your husband weird but somewhere in one of your family's weird is going to be exaggerated because of this and it's going to influence an impact and if you've got the shield of a prenup it sets the boundaries a little more firmly and I I do recommend that to help you with that I'll tell you what can you hopefully the break I want John to speak to this as well because he's probably got something a lot wiser to say than me giving you a tactical thing so cuz there's you know there's emotions tied to this too that we need to address so hang with me through the break we're talking with alice in canada $650,000 income her boyfriend potential husband makes 150 she's concerned about the differences i was i said going into the break that because the differences are so great she might want to consider a prenup because that amount of money activates crazy up and down the family tree like nothing else does and it's good to have that in place I don't recommend a prenup any other time but I do in rare circumstances and this is this is one of them so but how Alex you're back with us is that a fair summary of what you told us so far yeah I think I realize though a lot of it is concerned in me that isn't necessarily valid so and I think it relates to my past experience I don't know if it's reasonable so yeah let me tell you this any one of these feelings based on past experiences is not only valid it's important that you listen to that your past history your past experiences and they inform your steps going forward you just expressed one of the the biggest challenges that women face in broken relationships is that that economic insecurity and so you've man you you ground it out and now you are making most of the known world jealous with the success you've had financially but that demon that that fear you're gonna have that's gonna be with you for a long time and so the challenge you're gonna have coming to this new marriage is to a both honor your past and learn from those those experiences set up set up ways where you're going to be safe moving forward and at the same time don't force your new husband your new partner to carry that baggage because that's not his to carry with you right his is to join with you and your new adventure that y'all are making together so man your your past experiences are super valid super valid those fears are real real real don't make him carry that back for you right yeah that's so set in place what you would consider what will be emotionally uncomfortable the sharing of money as long as there's a a normal healthy relationship going and you share of course when you're when you're married you know for richer for poorer in sickness and health unto thee all my worldly goods I pledge the old-fashioned marriage marriage vows say and so you know what we're doing is we're joining in so many ways we're joining households were joining in spirit we're joining we're becoming one and you want to do that with your money as well that's going to be decidedly uncomfortable for you and he needs to know that and he needs to honor the fact that you're gonna be uncomfortable doing that and he can't give you any reason he's got to be very hyper attentive to not give you any reason to become more uncomfortable Alice are you weirded out that you make more money to him I'm not he's not and I think he even leaned toward oh if you're uncomfortable then we don't have to combined but I think that feels no you know I think it's it's you know he just says hey my wife has a valid scar a wound a tender place and I've got to honor that in the way that we do combine that and and you just got to talk about it more I'll give you another give you an example in my life that's that's similar and yet not okay Sharon and I lost everything with a brand-new baby a toddler we almost killed each other we came within an inch of a divorce okay mm-hmm can you imagine after that with that scar in our past almost 30 years ago how important the emergency fund is to her to a woman who was terrorized by her husband's idiocy with money right great so you know and and so she's got that scar so I have to honor that wound that I actually caused okay but I have to honor that wound by having an emergency fund for the emergency fund we don't even walk near the drawer where the paperwork is kept it's on the other end of the house you're not allowed to go on that into the house I mean it's like this thing it means so much more emotionally and relationally than simply a little bit of money in an account in case there's an emergency because I'm honoring that wound albeit a very old wound now but still if you ask her today she can get she can remember it or throat gets tight you can see her eyes change a cloud comes across them and you know so we just can't I can't do things that remind her of that because she starts to think we're gonna go back there again right and so that's the kind of thing I'm talking about here is you look you look for some practical way to do that and I would do a prenup which will also give you some comfort but it will not heal this what heals this is you guys you might even really get some real detailed in-depth pre-marriage counseling and kind of plot out map out some of this stuff on how you're gonna work together mm-hmm it's a great question yeah it's lovely in Alice work so Dave you mind if I use your and Sharon situation I have had it so we're often this plays out in it beacon that responds to that scar can can make injuries across the house is let's take Sharon for instance she may feel like this emergency fund isn't where it needs to be we had to get into the emergency fund to the emergency fund but that comes out with Oh Dave you're just going out with the boys again or oh I guess I have to cook again it ends up coming out in different places when really it's a it's an honest conversation we need to have about the money part and so I think what's real important for you and your future husband to do is to identify moments when it's not the fact that he was late getting home it's not the fact that we hit on the insurance paperwork yet it's the fact that that scar hurts and you need to be able to articulate that and be direct with him about that so that it doesn't shoot out in other areas he distracts you from the real issue which is historical pain that's real Wow thanks good and congrats to you Alice yeah and by the way let me just tell you my number one cause of divorce in America today y'all listening is money and money fights right so let's pretend you got one of those divorces it's number one cause and then you get ready to get remarried you're having the exact same thing she's dealing with right and it's a scale issue having eight hundred thousand dollars doesn't make that problem no way we say it makes it it makes it magnify it's exactly doesn't make it go away and so I mean it doesn't matter you know if your husband your wife whatever my wife I've had people calling my wife was a spender she spent us into oblivion and now I'm scared the new lady's gonna do that well you can't make her carry her bags right right what you said but you said I'd talk to her about but on the other hand you know she's got to understand that you walk with a limp over here because of that other thing yes and you know that that's that's part of the package you're getting so because you're either gonna marry someone that's the polar opposite of the crap you left or you're gonna do the same stupid thing again right right is usually what happens and so Larry Burkett used to say people run up a bunch of debt and then get divorced because of the debt and they remarry and then they run up a bunch of more debt because they didn't change anything they marry someone looks just like the other one hmm and I'd do it again and so you got it there has to be a break in the cycle because money money is not the problem it's it reveals the other problems and that's really good stuff Alice it's really good stuff I appreciate you hanging through the break with us and then you know so the other in the spectrum now we had a guy I think I mentioned it last week I can't remember which one of the personalities were co-hosting with me but I had a lady call in one day said my husband wants a fiance wants a prenup mm that's really what's he see god there's a sports car nope I said uh he's not gonna really be your husband all right this guy loves his car more he loves you hmm if he if he has to protect his car from you he I ain't the one you know so that's the other end of the spectrum on this because everybody thinks the prenups gonna solve everything and it doesn't right it doesn't and cuz you see all this in the tabloids with the Hollywood types and all these guys you know the music types or whatever led a prenup and you know I'm easily against him I don't like family of starting a relationship with the foot out the door right I don't I don't want to land the death while I'm alive anything so that's I'm totally against them but in extreme situations it helps keep the crazy family members at bay and it settles down the nerve so you can deal with the actuals that you wait are you

Channel: The Ramsey Show Highlights

Views: 623,327

Keywords: the dave ramsey show, budget money debt cash, real estate, insurance, how to make money, dave ramsey, save, credit card, compound interest, buying house, buy, snowball, I Make $650, 000 A Year And Scared About Combining Finances, money, marriage, money and marriage, personal finance, ramsey, finance, debt, finances, budget, marriage and money, husband

Id: 83SJhz02KJc

Length: 11min 44sec (704 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 01 2020