Fix Your Marriage: The Do's & Don'ts

it is a helpless and a frustrating feeling that consumes your mind and ravages your heart it seals your sleep you desperately want to know how to save your marriage but you have no answers you don't even know if it's possible to save your marriage if your spouse wants out especially when your spouse says repeatedly that it's over he gets furious when you try to talk about it sometimes he yells other times he displays no emotion at all but the message is always the same you're making it worse and driving me to leave faster when you try to do anything to save our marriage you don't know how the person that you love who once so deeply loved you can now treat you as if you are the enemy you've longed for any sign of affection a hug a smile even just a kind word and you pray that it will be once again what it once was you ate in a way that you can't explain and it's a pain that never subsides during the day and it wakes you up at night if you can fall asleep at all you want to know how to save your marriage you constantly worry what can I do can I say the right thing or find some miracle that's going to save my marriage I know I was told to stop trying but I don't want to give up and what makes it worse is that the spouse who wants out is right when he or she says that you're trying to save the marriage is just pushing them further away it usually does if she wants out of the marriage she will get more aggravated with you become meaner and went in what she says and find a faster way out if you keep trying but does that mean that there's no hope should you give up and accept that it's over instead of continuing to ask how to save your marriage no well you may be thinking if there is hope and I shouldn't accept that it's over are there magic words some amazing thing that I can do that is suddenly and miraculously going to change my spouse's mind no did I just contradict myself allow me to explain here what won't work to save your marriage when your spouse wants out number one giving up you can give up some of your friends maybe even your counselor may tell you that's exactly what you should do and though I spend my life helping people salvage what other people consider hopeless marriages even I agree that there is a time to accept the inevitable and start moving on with your life if your spouse leaves you and moves on there can definitely come a time to accept that your marriage is over and find a path to a different life in a new relationship however in my experience and our experience here at marriage help are working with couples giving up usually occurs far too early there is a definite consequence when you accept that it's over emotionally mentally and physically disconnect from your spouse that won't bring him or her back to you so don't give up too soon number two clinging and begging for your spouse to stay you can push harder demand more clean bag and do all sorts of things to try and pressure your spouse to stay most people tend to do that because they love their spouse so deeply and they desperately want to save their marriages unfortunately it doesn't work in actuality it drives the other person from you even faster think of it this way attraction is what draws people together repulsion is what drives them apart no one is attractive when he or she falls apart emotionally cries whines or begs and while human compassion generally drives us toward helping a person in pain it also drives us away from a person whose pain is caused by us when we have no intention of stopping the action that's causing the pain though the emotions you feel that lead you to these actions are powerful they aren't effective in helping you to save your marriage so don't do them here's number three allowing yourself to be manipulated you can give in to all of your spouse's demands and let him or her determine the path that you follow we see it regularly with spouses who refuse to seek help or who yield to every demand because the spouse who is leaving becomes angry or threatens to take the children or bring about some financial penalties somehow the spouse longing to save the marriage buys into the idea that if they just go along with everything then the spouse who's leaving will come to his or her senses and renew the marriage but it doesn't work the manipulation through anger or threats serves the purpose of freezing you into not taking action so that the spouse who is leaving can get to do the things that they want to do with the least amount of difficulty so don't allow yourself to be manipulated you might be thinking well what can I do here's how to save your marriage if your spouse wants to leave number one hang in there a little longer our experience with the people on our team here at marriage helper over the past 20 years and thousands and thousands of couples tells us that the most people who give up do it too soon and we don't blame them for reaching a point of pain where they simply don't want to go any further yet I personally have witnessed the success of those people who hung on just a little longer but that success came only if they did the right things in other words staying just to stay may have a positive effect but staying and doing the right things has a far greater chance of saving your marriage and you might be wondering well what are those things here's number two work on the pies no don't literally go and make a pie work on your pies in the book with our founder dr. Joe beam the art of falling in love he explains them a lot more thoroughly we also have other YouTube videos that do that as well the P stands for physical the I stands for intellectual the II for emotional and the S for spiritual and those are the four general ways that we are attracted to another person physical attraction is easy enough to understand intellectual attraction means that we have enough in common that we understand each other but also that we stimulate each other's minds emotional attraction happens when a person does things that evoke emotions within us that we enjoy feeling they make us laugh feel special feel safe or any other emotion that we joy spiritual attraction doesn't mean specifically religion but the beliefs and values that a person holds unless we are rebelling in some fashion we tend to be drawn toward people we perceive as having beliefs or values that are similar to ours or that we perceive as being better than ours just as a side note when people are rebelling or acting out that tends to be just the opposite rather than them being attracted to the people who have beliefs and values similar to theirs they tend to go with a completely different beliefs and value system so rather than begging or whining get to work on yourself get to work on your pies it doesn't matter what age you are or what body type you have that's not what this is about your spouse was attracted to you physically at one time so make yourself as physically attractive as you can for your age in your situation in life you can't be 21 again if you're 42 but you can be the best 42 year old version of you that you can be stimulate your mind by finding new ways to learn go and take a wine-tasting class or a cheese tasting class get into a book club read the magazines that honestly make you think and expand your mind maybe one specific to an area of interest that you have like science or culture or travel and when you talk with your spouse rather than talking to him or her about your problems engage them in discussions that involve both of your minds this means that you're not talking about the marriage or your relationship problems or you may find that your spouse doesn't want to be involved in the discussion if that's all that you focus on remember what you did that evoke positive emotions in your spouse and do those things again however do not do anything that he or she may see is manipulative don't bring flowers to your wife if she wants to leave you that might backfire so for example if your husband used to like going for a walk with you ask him to go for a walk with a casual promise that you won't bring up anything about your problems it's just a walk and live up to that promise live up to your spiritual state from the time in your life when you best liked what you believed and valued don't parade it just simply be the best you that you've ever been number three be is under standing and accepting as you can be the key to love is acceptance when a person feels accepted is he or she really is rather than having to live up to someone else's expectations then they truly feel loved unfortunately your spouse is wanting to leave is something that you don't accept nevertheless if you can accept what he or she feels without arguing or explaining the error of those feelings then you can begin to develop a relationship again we've seen wives who have done this so effectively that their husbands make their plans to depart and be with his lover and then they finally come to the point of coming back to us here at marriage helper the the husband that's leaving and telling us that the only two people that understand him are his lover and his wife he said that his wife was becoming his best friend because he could talk to her about anything including his desire to be with his lover admittedly that's a very tough thing to do on the part of the wife however it worked her amazing strength and accepting him though she never indicated any acceptance for his affair brought him back into relationship with her he ended his affair asked and received his wife's forgiveness and together they made their marriage amazing again and here's a bonus tip for you be willing to forgive and learn to love again for many years I've personally witnessed people doing the things above that we've already talked about in those actions leading their spouse to come back to them but that didn't immediately solve all their problems they had more to do to make their marriage what it should be because it's a process it's not a magic pill however the process works if you love enough to do what it takes to change the course of your spouse's intentions well the things that we suggest always work we both know that it does not always work but it works most of the time so what can you do now whatever issue happened in your marriage didn't happen overnight and in a short video like this I can't explain all of the nuances that got your marriage to be in the place that it's in now but I can offer you this hope no matter the situation I and the people on our team here at marriage helper have seen so many thousands of people save their marriage from the most dire of circumstances in what set those people apart from those who were headed towards divorce they had hope they had their hope that propelled them to do all of the right things to save their marriage so if you want to do something to save your marriage if you don't want to just sit and wait for whatever path of divorce that you might be headed on or even just being stuck in a miserable marriage and you don't want that for your future and you're ready for a change then we're here for you the most effective way that we can help you save your marriage no matter if your spouse wants out or if they're trying to come back and make it work is our marriage helper workshop this workshop has a 77 percent success rate it's saving marriages that are on the brink of divorce where there's one spouse that wants out the kind of situation that your marriage is in right now we see that every other week at our workshops that we have for marriages they're what we call turnaround weekends and we accept the couple's and see the couples coming through our doors that everyone else has given up on even when there's a divorce in place or a divorce has already happened or there's separation or if your spouse wants out and only wants to figure out how to leave the marriage we can still help you you can call our office to find out more about our marriage helper workshop and the other resources that we have for your marriage you can call that at 866 nine zero three zero nine nine zero we have a team of people who would love to talk to you about it be sure to like this video and subscribe to our channel for more videos and content that's going to help you with your marriage no matter what situation you may be in [Music] [Music]

Channel: Marriage Helper

Views: 136,869

Keywords: love, hate, husband, wife, marriage, divorce, limerence, affair, cheating, spouse, children, attorney, advice, tips, coaching, counseling, liar, narcissist, how do i fix my marriage, how to reconcile after an affair, what should i do to save my marriage, get my wife back, get my husband back, we can't stop fighting, how can i save my marriage, my husband cheated on me, my wife cheated on me

Id: 1urqPaad9Zc

Length: 13min 16sec (796 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 11 2019