How to Successfully Transition from Military to Civilian Life | Brian O’Connor | TEDxOakland

on my 23rd birthday my friends and I boarded for a six-month expeditionary cruise we played endless rounds of spades had conversations about nothing terms of endearment began with four-letter words we spoken code and live by a code friends forever but then early morning mailbags dropping down reminded us of what was at stake it wasn't male this time but the remains of fellow service members here's the crazy thing 15 years after my military service I still miss deployment despite the constant tragedy it's the floating island adventures the camaraderie even wearing the uniform transitioning to the outside world is hard serving in the military is a lot like marriage it's tough on the inside and it's tough to leave I just wish that when I left the military I could have gotten half their stuff post military after getting my MBA joining the corporate world something was missing surrounded by people yet I felt like I was on another floating island albeit deserted and it turns out as a veteran I'm not alone according to a study by USC over two thirds of veterans report difficulties adjusting to civilian life you live and breathe military service 24 hours a day seven days a week if you compare it to the corporate world it's a significant amount of time five years of active service is equal to 21 years spent in the corporate world retiring after 20 years of service that's 84 civilian years longer than the entire lifespan of the average American five days of transition assistance does not prepare anyone for life on the outside I worked with transitioning vets taking off one uniform and finding another most companies want to hire to support veterans but what we've discovered is job placement is not enough transitioning veterans requires regaining identity a sense of purpose and belonging one day in college the teacher calls out Brian Brian Brian no one answers and I'm like where's this Brian and then I remembered I'm Brian I've been called by my first name in five years I'm not sergeant O'Connor I'm not jarhead um Bryon who is Bryon this Brian outfit doesn't fit anymore it's like I stole a young kids clothes in the military you have an underdeveloped sense of identity but an overdeveloped sense of group when you remove from the group it can feel like the fog of war you lose the ability to see clearly and tend to hyper focus on things that aren't working causing a downward shift in mood perceptions and experiences and while it is real it's not the entire reality and the worst thing is this fog of transition is not only disorienting it can also be overwhelming I remember it was a Sunday evening when I got a call that would change my life direction my close childhood friend Matt a former Marine a father and husband had left this world it was so hard to comprehend Matt and I had walked the exact same path in life he had earned an honorable discharge went to business school and then joined the corporate world just like me yet when Matt was found dead in his apartment from a drug overdose I couldn't help but wonder what went wrong on the outside he looked fine but as of many of us do post-military he struggled interna Teeter he struggled internally with identity purpose and belonging how do you overcome that having a clear sense of your strengths involves doing the reflection with someone who can call you on your BS we've partnered with UCLA's veteran family Wellness Center to offer a strengths-based veteran transition program many times we ruminate replaying negative thoughts or emotions what you can do instead is press pause put some facts on paper grab a pen and write down where have you been narrate your journey past present and future to highlight and discover your strengths so for example after slacking in high school I developed grit in the Marines I made close bonds with the people I served with I went from distance Luna learning to junior college to a university to earning my MBA what are your strengths maybe you're resilient and went back to school and got your degree maybe you had the courage to ask for support to get sober maybe you took a risk and relocated create that list to highlight your strengths as a second step write down where are you now so for me my company helps veterans succeed I love being a dad and divorced and even though I feel shame about that failure I'm glad that we're still friends allow yourself to note the positive points but also where you feel shame failure and loss and how you feel about that finally write down where are you going for me that's growth with my team fully present with my daughter and hopefully some time for travel once you've done this simple exercise you'll have a body of evidence highlighting the strengths that you can build your identity around my name is brian my new uniform does not feel the same but i wear it proudly once you have your identity you can then begin searching for purpose for me at 18 my purpose was issued to me along with a uniform a shaved head and some really bad food we are proud of our mission to defend the United States our employee perks teammates who'd willingly give their lives for each other the corporate environment passes off culture perks like ping pong tables and free snacks it's confusing what's the purpose tangible things you can buy at Costco how does this relate to the mission statement on the wall instead of relying on some company's mission statement you can create your own personal purpose statement consider these questions who do you aspire to be and how do you want to show up and then write down anything that comes to mind for me I wrote down my values of courage commitment service and integrity consider what these values mean to you and then condense it into a statement like this I'm committed to doing the right thing for the right reasons for the benefit of others despite the consequences knowing that what I do when nobody's looking defines my character once you have your personal purpose statement do a check-in how is my life in alignment with this and if it's not what can I do to make it so well it's not always easy hey we're all human if my life's not in alignment with this I need to ask myself do I need to change or do I need to change where I'm at it's that simple and then return to this personal purpose statement this is your new honor code representing the best version of you you get to live out that mission anew daily at the end of marine bootcamp recruits are rewarded with the crucible a54 our physical and mental tests of food and sleep deprivation while marching across 45 miles completing it is not just a personal achievement surrounded by grown men crying after earning the title marine you have this mutual respect because they've been through the same struggles you belong transitioning veterans struggle to find a sense of belonging and require a strong support network in place to find their next blue tune but you know it's not just veterans even civilians struggle with these feelings of not belonging once you've gone through finding your identity and purpose the final step is to break down the walls of isolation between you and the organization and for many companies that's not always in the blueprint like when we started vets we thought we need to get the infrastructure in place get clients staff veterans there's a lot to do as a start-up and then one day once we have all this in place we can work on refining our culture but then we came to an understanding if we don't focus on this as the foundation of our firm early on were just another tech company we chose to focus on identity purpose and belonging and do so through a routine of familiarity we considered what did we do in the military that made us feel bonded fun runs beyond the physical benefit science shows that moving together leads to feelings of oneness so much so that immediately after our morning runs while doing sales calls we feel a heightened sense of camaraderie even the little things like our own version of the comments reading list think of it like Oprah's Book Club for the military helps to keep us on the same page belonging is formed through routine one-to-one connections shared visions and simply being present for each other so ask yourself what can you do to create a sense of belonging in your organization or community we may think this is all for transitioning veterans but the truth is all of us go through transitions in our life through careers relationships loss our identity changes what can we do to support each other along our journey it is up to us as Americans to propose solutions to veteran challenges and serve them as they have served our country by finding your identity discovering your purpose and fostering a sense of belonging we can transition from being in the service to being of service thank you [Applause]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 16,162

Rating: 4.9495497 out of 5

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Life, Business, Career, Education, Freedom, Goal-setting, Motivation

Id: 61RTfaU6Grs

Length: 9min 58sec (598 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 04 2019