How to respond to rude comments at work using the clarifying question

in this video you'll learn how to respond to rude comments at work using a strategy proven to wipe that smug look off their face while boosting your professional image all at the same time hi i'm communication coach dan o'connor if sometimes you're feeling humiliated or angry because you can't find the right words at the time that people say insulting passive-aggressive or rude comments at work this communication skills tutorial walks you through exactly what to do so you can respond to those things and the people who say them in a way that shuts them down and stops the behavior while showcasing your professional communication skills if you find value in this training video please support this channel and keep these communication skills training videos coming by hitting that subscribe button i appreciate every single subscriber and it helps me keep making these professional development videos at least once a week now let's get started with this week's communication strategy the clarifying question i suggest you try this tactic the next time you're dealing with rude comments at work there are many different tactics that we'll be talking about and i'll be mentioning those later on in this video we're going to focus today on just the clarifying question so let's say you're sitting down at the break room table you're with your co-workers and your mind and your own beeswax until the next thing you know somebody says i see dan got selected to go to the hunt yeah convention maybe if i wore those kind of clothes i'd have been selected too or dan did you get that report to mark yet when they're not my boss or my supervisor or hey dan do you think you can get your work to me by the deadline so that you don't hold us up this time all right what do you say what do you do a clarifying question is a direct honest assertive way to respond to these types of passive aggressive comments the reason i've chosen the clarifying question to respond to these questions in this example is because the clarifying question can help us remain assertive while calling people out on their passive aggressive behavior without falling into the trap that many of us fall into when we do things such as engage or defend ourselves or compete with the other person for the most passive aggressive employee of the month award and we're going to talk more about those types of things towards the end of this video so stick around for that this is the basic structure for a clarifying question when you say this are you trying to say that now when you customize it and fill in the blanks it sounds something more like john when you say that maybe you'd get chosen to go to these conventions if you dressed more as i do it sounds to me like what you're saying is that i dress like someone who exchanges sexual favors for things like promotions or trips and that you're considering doing the same thing in the hopes that maybe you would be considered for these same type of opportunities as well is that what you're saying call them out or mary when you asked me if i got that report to mark yet it sounds to me like you're placing yourself in a superior or supervisory position compared to mine and that instead of answering to mark i should be answering to you and that you are somehow responsible for me is that what you're trying to say jane when you ask me if i'm going to be getting my work on time this time it sounds to me like what you're saying is that i have been the reason you have been late turning your work in in the past is that what you're trying to say now if you know me you know that above all else it is critical it is paramount to me that when we are communicating we are communicating in a loving way because there is nothing that we have to say that we can't say in a loving way sometimes when people hear these types of things that i'm suggesting they say they will say well now that doesn't sound very loving to me but there is a litmus test that i'm going to be giving you later on in this video that will help you determine is what i'm saying loving even though it might not feel like it at the moment there are many ways to be loving and there are many people to whom i should be loving in this conversation it's not like i'm just talking about you and me there's a bigger picture here and i want to make sure that i'm communicating in a loving fashion and there's a litmus test and this has passed my litmus test i'll tell you how coming up in this lesson now remember that the savvy communicator is prepared no matter how someone else might respond or react to your clarifying question but while i'm getting into that notice that the one thing i did not do and will not do is take the bait when we take the bait that somebody throws at us we are encouraging that behavior and at the same time we're tarnishing our own image by transmitting and conveying to the people who are either witnessing or in this conversation myself my co-workers and my maker that this kind of communication is worthy of my attention is that what i want to say if i'm going to engage with someone remember every time we engage with someone on their level we are saying that what they are engaging in or that type of communication is worthy of our attention is it why would i do that and furthermore engaging or taking the bait that is a reward for you and what gets rewarded gets repeated do i want that i have to remember these simple principles and certainly i do not want to get defensive because we only defend what we believe to be vulnerable we do not defend what we do not believe to be vulnerable we never defend ourselves at work ever our supporters don't need to hear it and our adversaries don't believe us anyway now for more on these principles and more tutorials on how to engage in more principle-centered communication check out the nine principles or energy vampire slaying 101 or step out of the shadows and speak which are all available in my premium communication resources store at danielkarnatraining.com there is a link below in the description and now let's say that the other person responds to your clarifying question with something such as yes or no or you don't get so defensive or i'm just saying this is why you want to have as many tools as possible in your professional communication skills toolkit people will always throw us for loops and say unexpected things but a professional savvy powerful communicator always has the tools necessary to respond to the unexpected so let's say for example if they said yes i could use one of my magic phrases and we talk about that in my other communication skills training videos a magic phrase could be something such as interesting why would you do that and i might want to go further and specifically say why would you want to impugn my integrity here in front of my peers now that was a magic phrase in conjunction with one of my favorite strategies narrating the scene which is particularly great for those of you who seem to not be able to find the words in these types of situations or if you're more of an introvert or if you're shy and it's difficult for you to speak up narrating the scene is a wonderful strategy that i discussed in some of my other training videos or maybe they might say no and just leave it at that i might want to use an well i don't know but i do know phrase and an i don't know but i do know phrase might sound something like this well then i don't know why you'd be inserting yourself into matters that don't concern you but i do know that this certainly does not concern you and i don't know why you think it's okay to discuss matters that don't concern you with others but i do know that i for one have chosen not to walk that perilous path and instead only discuss professional matters with those i know to be directly involved in those matters and that does not include you if they said something like don't get so defensive i could use a modified magic phrase and say something such as interesting why would you say that i'm so defensive i mean when i asked you to clarify your message it's only because i wanted to address whatever concern you may have but if you're reading it as being defensive that tells me that you were attacking me is that what you meant by what you said are you trying to attack me see all i'm trying to do in all of these situations is clarify what you said get to the bottom of what you said i'm not throwing back any insults i'm just taking what you're saying and saying you know that's not clear and i don't believe you're being clear intentionally so let's clarify all of this so that you and i can have a clear direct conversation anyone who's engaging in passive aggressive communication does not want that this is the opposite of a reward for them but as you can see i'm not engaging in passive aggressive communication the essence of assertive communication is simply clear direct and honest communication that honors the other person while honoring yourself and i'm going to take a moment to discuss this litmus test i talk about where if i'm going to be a loving person and always communicate in a loving way how is this loving you know how am i being loving and i'll tell you this if you can search the phrase someplace in what you're saying mentally i would not say this in the situation but if i can think to myself if i had to say it's because i love you that i'm going to say it's because i love you that i have to point out it's because i love you that i'm saying if i can do that and it makes sense chances are what i'm saying is something that is loving it's not always loving to tell people what they want to hear it's not always loving to tell people loving things all the time sometimes to be loving i need to tell people things they might not want to hear sometimes to be loving i might need to show you how somebody who loves himself handles conversations like this to be loving i might have to show you sometimes how people who love themselves might go over there while you stay here there are many ways to be loving many ways sometimes as nazareth states love herds but don't discount something as simply not loving or not compassionate because the other person doesn't feel it at the moment it's none of your business what other people feel about what you say it's none of your business i don't say what i have to say to you for you i don't say it so that you will feel a certain way sometimes i say things because they need to be said and it's regardless of how you respond to it or what you think of it i might need to say or do things that you might not take in a very loving way at the moment that has nothing to do with me and i have to remember that and if what you mean to say is something other than what you said why did you say what you said because i don't know what you mean i mean i don't have you know extra sensory perception i don't have the powers of esp or i'm not a clairvoyant i can't read minds and know what you're saying is really what you're meaning so instead of doing that guessing game how about we just say what we mean how about that how about that you just say what you mean to say or say what you're thinking how about that all of these things such as an empowering question you know using the broken record effectively they're all discussed in other lessons that i have so make sure to subscribe to this channel so that you can keep getting those lessons and hit the notification bell by the way if you have any questions if you hit that bell you'll get more information more frequently on things like the empowering question which sound like this well wow if you're meaning to say one thing as you say but it's coming out as something else that could be very serious so you may want to take a moment here and go see a doctor or check your vitals before we continue this conversation or we could continue it now do you feel as though you're up to it but regardless of what strategy i used to respond to your rude comment notice how every time it ended with a question questions are your friend if someone's engaging in behavior that's questionable ask questions you will be the one with the perceived power and you will actually be the one with the real power because you will be the one who is able to respond to these types of comments without taking the bait without engaging without reacting and in a way that showcases your professional communication skills that is true power remember that the opposite of weakness is not strength the opposite of weakness is love and if you can speak in a loving manner meaning i'm going to love myself as i love you and my maker by doing the right thing here there's no touching that and there's no telling how high you can go with that communication and with these types of skills you can hold your own with the most powerful communicator in any situation regardless of the topic you only need the right skills that's what communication skills are all about knowing the names of things knowing how to use them knowing how they work knowing who you are why you're here what you want and then have the tools to express that other must haves are going to be things like spotlight questions challenge questions solution focused questions and we're going to get into the spotlight question in this video so after you hit that subscribe button and you hit the notification bell check that video out

Channel: The Wizard of Words

Views: 20,851

Keywords: HOW TO RESPOND TO RUDE COMMENTS AT WORK, how to respond to rude comments at owrk, rude comments, dan o'connor communication, communication skills classes online, dan oconnor communication, communication training, communication skills training, communication training books, communication coach, rude peopole at work, Communication training for employees, communication in the workplace, how to improve communication skill, communication skills

Id: nBUqxkVvj2A

Length: 11min 23sec (683 seconds)

Published: Thu Mar 17 2022