How to Respond to Gaslighting at Work; Gaslighting at Work Stories!

happy thursday hey this week we are talking about gaslighting at work part two how to confront your gaslighter are you ready is when someone is trying to talk you out of your version of reality they're trying to make you feel a little bit crazy and they're trying to make you doubt yourself last week we talked about the first piece of managing gaslighting at work which is managing in how to manage inward during those times when someone is trying to throw you off your game intentionally but this week we're doing the work of managing out and that means dealing with the gas lighter head on when we confront a gas later at work it has to be done you know carefully and there are three components that i want to share with you first thing i like to do as a way of slowing down the action is i like to call a time out and i literally will do this like whoa time out time out and what this gesture does is the same kind of thing you know when they're filming a movie and the director yells cut and everybody relaxes and falls out of their roles for a minute and resets that's what calling a timeout in a conversation will do and with a gas lighter it's priceless because they're trying to create momentum around whatever narrative they're spinning by calling it time out you stop the action and create just enough space to reassert what your version of reality is i remember one time i was being gaslit by someone and she was trying to get me to expand the scope of work that i had committed to in ways that didn't make any sense at all and that were making me feel crazy i was like wait a minute i was hired to do x and y and z and she's asking for a and b and c as if it were part of the original agreement which it wasn't so as she was spinning and talking fast and of course you're gonna do this that's what any self-respecting communication coach would do in this situation i was like uh am i crazy or is she crazy so in those moments when she would try and spin me up fast so that i would lose my footing in a conversation i would say whoa whoa whoa time out time out my understanding is that i was hired to do x and y and z but you're now adding a and b and c that doesn't make sense to me where is this coming from and if you're like who is this creature in this video that's making all this sound it's my dog so by calling a time out you are stopping the action and you're able to hold up a mirror to the gas lighter so that they can see what's actually going on in that moment because here's the thing to know about gaslighters they are masters at casting a spell on us and that spell is to get us to question ourselves our decisions our choices by calling it time out you break that spell temporarily now they may recast it and you may have to call another timeout but by doing this you create a break in the action the spell is suspended long enough for you to assert what your understanding is now here's the thing 99.999 of the time this is all it takes because once a gaslighter realizes that you are not f with a bull they tend to leave you alone obi-wan kenobi say in star wars like the weak-minded are very susceptible to the force right sliders know that the weak minded are easy to manipulate and so by calling a timeout and reasses reasserting what your version of reality is you are demonstrating you are not weak minded no way so call a time out i find that the timeout works absolutely fantastically in gaslighting situations where someone is lying i love calling a timeout and being like wait wait i'm sorry time out for a second just two days ago you said x but now you're saying why what happened i love that phrase time out statement what happened it's a very neutral way of calling someone out on something without looking like you're spoiling for a fight you know what else this works really really great is when the gaslighter keeps changing the rules of engagement that is a classic move of a gaslighter at work you agree to one thing but then that thing changes a hundred times and before you know it you're like how the hell did we get here how did i suddenly find myself in charge of all these 25 things when i was really brought in for these five also timeouts are super powerful when you are being spoken over when someone is actively ignoring you in a conversation i remember i was in a meeting with a very very high up executive and she was actively ignoring me she didn't like my point of view for whatever reason there's a whole backstory to that too but i was there to represent that point of view i was being paid to represent that point of view it was the role i was playing in the room and she kept ignoring me kept ignoring me as if i literally wasn't there my perspective was on mute this was back when we were in person i was not on mute okay and in that moment i said whoa whoa timeout i'm confused because i've made this point a couple of times and it's fine if people disagree with me that's absolutely understandable but we're not engaging on the point i would like to engage on what's going on and then people have to deal with me number two give direct feedback if you can sometimes gaslighters don't really even realize they're doing it they don't they don't have that self-awareness if you can get them alone just one-on-one not in front of other people not with an audience because that would make them feel exposed and defensive but get them one-on-one and say hey would you be open to some feedback would you be open to some feedback because i'm noticing x and y and z and i i have a perspective that might be helpful now here's why this is powerful this allows an unconscious gaslighter someone who doesn't realize the damage they're doing the space and the grace to be able to say oh yeah actually i i am open to feedback that is such an opportunity because listen we've all been the gaslighter at some point any time we have tried to cover our own tracks or told something that wasn't entirely true for the sake of covering our own tushes that's gaslighting too we have all been there i find that extending the grace to someone to privately share what i'm observing in a kind way in a way that it makes them feel supported and not persecuted or accused it's powerful in that space of one-on-one you can say hey look i observed that when you sort of publicly humiliate people it doesn't get the same kind of results as providing feedback one-on-one would you be open to giving feedback in a more private environment instead of putting everybody on blast which by the way is a classic classic gaslight move so ask the gaslighter if they'd be open to direct feedback if your gas gaslighter says no i'm not open to feedback this is something that needs to be documented in business it is absolutely assumed that you as a part of a functioning team must be open to feedback it's baseline it's like basic basic business 101. if someone tells you no thank you i do not want your feedback that needs to be documented it needs to be shared with human resources if that's the way your organization is set up it needs to be shared with somebody who can provide some support because that is someone who is uncoachable who is unfeedbackable and who is a one person wrecking ball on a team ask if they're open to feedback if they say no document it if they say yes give them the feedback start with the positive give them the constructive end with the positive and see what their reaction is if after giving the feedback they dismiss it and say you know what you're just being too sensitive like oh my god give me a break reassert your point but gently right yeah i i can understand why you would say that and why it would seem that i'm being sensitive but what i've observed is that x behavior has y consequence and it's something you should know about it's something you should consider don't let them talk you out of your point of view but don't crumble or take it personally or get angry if they don't accept your feedback but do find a way to gently reassert it that's another way of signaling i am not weak minded you cannot pull your jedi mind tricks on me number three establish and uphold your boundaries i one time had a client that was masterful at crossing my boundaries without me even realizing it she was so adept at moving the goal post so to speak it was like lucy in the football you know when charlie brown like winds up and he's about to kick the football and she whips it away from him at the last minute and he goes upside down that was me and this woman she just kept moving the goal post part of my job was to actively manage my boundaries right it's not the gaslighter's job to manage your boundaries that's your job part of it is like getting clear are you clear on what your roles and responsibilities are are you crystal clear about what the priorities are and then number two how able are you to manage those boundaries to uphold those boundaries and for me i love a good script my favorite script for upholding a boundary is to say listen i totally understand why x is a priority i get it notice how i'm validating i'm not rejecting i'm validating first totally understand why x is a priority given that my main focus however is why i need to keep my focus there so what you're doing is you're not just saying i don't do that what you're saying is i get why you're coming to me with this and i also have to keep my priority in mind so let's solve it together so establish your boundaries and uphold your boundaries just to recap here is how you confront them number one you call a timeout you reassert what your understanding of reality is and ask them to engage with you on your version of reality not just theirs give direct feedback privately and before you give it ask for permission if they don't give you permission document it get some outside perspective establish and uphold your boundaries and if you don't know what your boundaries ought to be that's got to happen first understanding what your own boundaries is the only way you'll be able to uphold any boundaries so now you've got some moves now you don't have to be blindsided now you have some strategy hey if you found that helpful hit the like button and subscribe and leave me a comment i love hearing your stories i love hearing what's working what's helpful or what you're struggling with and of course you can always find me on the socials which are listed below and shine on we need your light i'll see you next week

Channel: ThisisBronwyn

Views: 16,579

Keywords: gaslighting explained, workplace harassment, gaslighting at work signs, gaslighting at, gaslighting at work how do you manage it, gaslighting at work, gaslighting at workplace, gaslighting attention seeking, gaslighting at work boss, gaslighting phrases at work, what is gaslighting, manage emotions at work, my boss is gaslighting me, how to recover from gaslighting abuse, workplace bullying and harassment, manage feel, workplace bullying, gaslighting emotional abuse

Id: NKPLIb8097E

Length: 11min 58sec (718 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 15 2021