- One of the hardest things after trauma is losing the sense of
power over your life. It doesn't have to be this way. Today, I'll show you how you can tap back into your innate strength,
and own your power. (upbeat music) Before we dive into how to own your power, even if you've been devastated by trauma, let's take a minute to define trauma. What is trauma? The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders,
or DSM, is the bible used by health and medical professionals in diagnosing mental disorders. The most recent version is the DSM 5, and it defines trauma as
actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence. I'm going to be real honest here, and say there is a lot of value in the DSM 5, and I, by no means, am I dismissing or overriding the tens
of thousands of hours spent by hundreds of
professionals that have gone into creating and updating that manual, and the wonderful benefit
and support it provides. I'm also going to say that
dismissing the human experience because it doesn't fit
into a diagnostic manual can be harmful. The reality is, we are humans
living a mortal experience, doing our best to learn and grow through this experience called life. That journey, at times,
is going to include hard, heartbreaking, wounding experiences that can result in trauma, call it trauma with a little t, or microtraumas, or something else. Our experiences, even
the hard ones, shape us, and can wound us. Dismissing the reality of that wound because it doesn't fit into a diagnostic manual's
definition can be harmful. For our purpose today, we
are going to define trauma as we believed our world was safe, something happened, and
we no longer feel safe. That experience creates a wound, and if we are unable to heal from it, future experiences that remind us of that original experience
rewound us, and until we heal, we are injured again, and again, often not even recognizing
or realizing the cycle of wound, trigger,
rewounding that happens, over and over, until we feel broken, and like there is no hope. There is hope, and you are not alone. Healing is possible. We're going to talk about four
keys to owning your power. Number one, recognize your innate worth. Number two is choosing compassion
for yourself and others. Number three is learning
to trust yourself again, and number four is
recognizing you have a choice. So number one: worth. Healing from trauma,
especially physical, emotional, or sexual trauma, is a
rebuilding of your foundation, and what is the foundation of your life? Often it is found in our worth, and we can go through our entire life, searching for our worth. We look for it in relationships with friends, partners, or family. We try to earn it through
our accomplishments, such as money, houses,
careers, cars, vacations, or through societal standards of beauty. Ultimately, we are looking
for belonging to know that we are valued and worthy. We are looking for love
from inanimate objects, or fallible, wounded people, and we are confused by the
fact we feel hollow inside. We all have things in life that we value, and we tend to tie our worth
as a person to what we value. I call these worth ties. Think of the list I just
made, and ask yourself, what do I tie my worth to? Where do I find my belonging? Is it within my own innate value, or is it in other people,
or accomplishments? The solution is not to give
up the things that we value, because those are part of
our gifts and our genius. This is how we show up in the
world with our unique talents. The solution is to realize and accept that our worth is innate. It is within us. We don't need to go searching
for it outside of ourselves. We've brought it with us. It is a process to
change our inner dialogue from I only belong if people accept me, or I only belong if I provide
value through accomplishment, or I only belong if I'm
knowledgeable and intelligent, to I belong just as I am. I am worthy, I am lovable. I am enough as I am. The reason we struggle with that truth that builds a strong
foundation for our life is most of us grew up in
a home where approval, love, and acceptance was conditional. Not because our parents or
caregivers didn't love us, but because they carry
around their own worth wounds and worth ties that haven't been healed, and are often generationally perpetuated. Realizing and accepting our worth, and that our value is innate,
takes an entire script rewrite that goes against what
we learned from infancy, and that feels very
foreign and uncomfortable. A great way to start that
process of a script rewrite is by choosing to treat
yourself with compassion. So that's key number two, compassion. What do I mean by choosing compassion? Self-compassion is showing
oneself love and sorrow, recognizing the pain of the experience. It is showing love and
understanding to yourself, instead of judgment, shame,
guilt, worthlessness, or a myriad of other
limiting false beliefs that do not serve or support you. Showing yourself compassion
and understanding might feel completely foreign to you, if you don't have a loved one in your life that has shown you this
kind of love and acceptance. If talking to yourself in a
compassionate way is daunting, think of the way you would
talk to someone you love: a child a dear friend, a family member, and use those words and feelings to nurture and care for yourself. Acknowledge the reality of
what you've been through, the devastation and betrayal. Give yourself permission to grieve, be upset, and to not be okay. Acknowledge who you are because of this. Your strengths, intelligence,
what you have overcome, you are amazing, even when
there are still hard days, because you are still here, and you are still working through this. What happens when you experience trauma is you almost immediately
go to a place of judgment of yourself and the experience. If you internalize the abuse or trauma, as almost all of us do,
you come to the conclusion, that it was your fault, you
did this, you deserved it, or you were protecting someone else, or some combination of self-blame
and self-fault finding. The conclusion of those judgments planted seeds of shame. You internalize the
false beliefs, such as, I am bad, I am unworthy, I am unlovable. We combat judgment with compassion, and we rewrite those limiting
beliefs to the truth, which is, abuse is never
the fault of the victim. Trauma is real, but it does not define us. Given the need of love and support, we can heal, and we can
integrate the truth. I am worthy, I am loved,
I belong just as I am. Key number three is trust. One of the most damaging
results of experiencing trauma and the subsequent PTSD
is that your ability to trust yourself and your
own judgment is shattered. There are layers to trust and trusting. Learning how to trust,
and when it is safe to. The first layer is
learning to trust yourself. Again, feeling that you are
unable to trust yourself. Constantly questioning,
or second guessing, or looking to others for
answers or affirmation feeds into being in a
state of hypervigilance. This looks like constantly looking outside yourself for
safety and affirmation. It also distracts from your ability to grow into your highest and best self. Being unable to trust yourself
gives away your power. Now, if this is something
that really hits home for you, and is something you struggle
with, this is not the time for self-judgment,
comparison, or self-criticism. This is the time to revisit compassion, and gently remind yourself
that those behavior patterns or habits were born out
of a need to survive, and survive you did. Those survival mechanisms
served a purpose. They kept you safe. The question to ask yourself
now is, is it serving me? Is it serving my growth and life purpose, or is it keeping me stuck? And what is one small
step I can take today towards rebuilding trust in myself? Many, many small steps, day after day, create life-changing growth. Key number four is to
recognize you have a choice. Most likely, you have
not consciously realized the way trauma has affected
your ability to make choices. Oftentimes, if you've been
stuck in a trauma cycle, subconsciously you feel
you do not have a choice. You don't realize you have
the ability to set boundaries, voice concerns, or even say no. This keeps us stuck in victim mode. Outwardly, this may look
like making decisions based on what an abuser wants, or focusing on meeting the
needs of friends or family, instead of recognizing
and voicing our own needs. This comes from a deep
desire to feel safe, secure, and loved, instead of making
decisions for yourself. An integral part of healing
is to first recognize you have a choice, and to second, use your voice to express your needs. By doing this, we are
able to own our power. When we own our power, we can
be our highest and best self, recognize our gifts, and
bless the world around us with those gifts. We're going to watch a clip
that ties all of this together. In the movie, Rocky Balboa,
'cause I know, that's, you know, when you think of trauma, you're like, yeah, Rocky. The famous boxer and
his son are still trying to pick up the pieces after the trauma of losing the their wife
and mother to cancer. Rocky's son, Robert, is tired of living in his father's shadow, and withdraws from their relationship. He thinks his worth is tied to being a celebrity's
son, and blames his dad for not being able to
succeed on his own steam. Rocky recognizes that his son doesn't recognize his own innate worth, isn't showing compassion for
his father, or for himself, and doesn't trust in himself, and is stuck not making choices. Let's take a look. - You ain't going to believe this. Well, you used to fit right here. I'd hold you up, and say to your mother, this kid's going to be
the best kid in the world. This kid's going to be somebody better than anybody ever knew, and you grew up good and wonderful. It was great. Just watching every day
was like a privilege. Then the time come for
you to be your own man, and take on the world, and you did. But somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick
a finger in your face, and tell you you're no good, and when things got hard, you started looking
for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something
you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there
permanently if you let it, you, me, or nobody is going
to hit as hard as life, but it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take,
and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth, but you got to be
willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers, saying, you ain't where you want to be, because of him or her, or anybody. Cowards do that, and that ain't you. You're better than that. I'm always going to love
you, no matter what. No matter what happens, you're
my son, you're my blood, you're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain't going to have a life. Don't forget to visit your mother. - So powerful, and it really speaks to what we've been talking about here. Trauma is brutal, and
thriving again requires you to keep moving forward. Overall, that is obviously, on some days, you're just going to need
to stay in bed and heal, but moving forward,
knowing what you're worth, and trusting in yourself. I love when Rocky pleads with his son to see that he's better than that, and that Robert is the
best thing in his life, that Rocky's going to
love him no matter what. He sees his son's innate worth. He wants his son to see it in himself, because that's how Robert, and we can own our power after trauma. Healing is a journey, not a day trip. It is going to take rewriting
old scripts with new ones that serve and support who you want to be. It's going to take facing the monsters we have hidden in the
closet out of fear, shame, or just plain not
knowing how to face them. If you feel you need
support on your journey, we have a two-month program
called Innate Healing, where we walk you through, step by step, the keys to healing. Click the link below to
schedule a free discovery call with one of our therapists. Which of these four healing
keys did you find most helpful, and what tools have you used
in your healing journey? Let us know in the comments below, and if you've enjoyed this
video, check out this one. Can emotional trauma
cause physical symptoms? I'm grateful to share this
healing journey with you, and until next time,
remember to keep shining. We need your light. (upbeat music)
