How to Meet Your Own Needs (For Love, Romance & Emotional Connection) | How To Control Your Emotions

[Music] hi my name is gibson and i'm the co-owner and creator of the personal development school this is your daily breakthrough video and in this video i want to talk to you a little bit about how we can meet our own needs especially for things like emotional connection love romance affection all of these different things that seem to be very important but really challenging to meet on our own and i'm also going to cover in this video some of the concepts of like why we want to be able to meet our needs on our own not exclusively not only on our own but why it's important to have the availability in relationship to ourselves to be able to show up and meet our needs at least halfway so we're going to cover like how needs sort of work at the subconscious level we'll talk a little bit about the importance of needs in an actual relationship and why they matter so much and how they impact our ability to actually receive from others and then we'll go through and talk about some strategies for how to meet our own needs especially around the ones that i get the questions asked about the most things like emotional connection love love affection romance these sorts of things okay so if this is something that's huge for you and you're like oh my goodness i really want to do a deep dive into this we have uh some discover your subconscious personal needs course inside of the school it's super in-depth that helps you understand your basic human needs your personality needs that really govern and drive your behavior and emotions as well as your tertiary needs so your moment-to-moment needs from different individuals we're going to talk a little bit about that in this video um so you can do a deep dive in that course we also have an advanced needs course coming out that's going to be all about how to receive your needs the importance of being able to understand communicate receive and meet your own needs and and some different strategies for how to do this that are really in depth as well as how to understand other people's needs so you can build more harmonious relationships so if you want to do a deep dive into that you can join the school we have a promotion going on um which is a with you coupon code we're going to keep alive as long as all the weird isolation stuff is happening in the world right now um and so the coupon code is with you all one word it's 25 off um three six 12 month membership bundles we also have a lifetime access membership happening right now um and it's on sale super super on sale for like 55 off or something of that sort um all the way until october 10th we've extended it till the end of our first week of our anniversary from october 2nd and um we're very excited about that and then um that basically gives access to all courses inside of the school all previous all future courses all four live webinar calls um with myself on a weekly basis as well as all previously recorded webinar calls and everything that sort of goes into our webinar library after every single week that we're doing those calls so um lots of stuff in there lots of access to our amazing community our discord chat channel all of that stuff so i'll put a link in the description box below for all of that as well as a card on this video that you can click on so let's talk about needs and how they actually impact our subconscious mind and our personality and drive our behavior and emotions so needs are a prevalent part of our identity our subconscious personality needs are actually a big part whether we're consciously aware of this or not of who we identify ourselves to be so who we think of ourselves as so for example if your personality needs consist of things like family emotional connection personal growth security you might come to identify yourself as a family man or you know um really a big caretaker of your family and you'll talk about family a lot and you'll think about your family and you'll feel about your family and worry about them but feel really happy when they're they're doing well and and same with personal growth you'll get a lot of personal growth you'll always want to have personal growth conversations with people you'll want to have deep emotional conversations if emotional connection is a big part of your personality needs maybe you'll be structured and ordered and value order and organization if security is in there so all of these things will not only drive your behavior but become a big part of your personality now the problem becomes if we don't know what our needs are then we really disempower ourselves because unmet needs are supposed to produce emotional pain so if you look at it just from like a survival perspective historically if we had unmet needs for things like shelter food water we're supposed to feel rumbling in our stomach or discomfort not having shelter if it's cold or too hot or you know and so these these feelings we have are there to drive us to adapt and evolve and that's part of how we've survived for so long and by the same token we have emotional needs we have interpersonal needs and our needs from from a personality perspective if they're not being met we're going to feel emotional pain and if we have constant unmet needs that means we're going to feel constant emotional pain and having a lack of awareness for our subconscious needs and not knowing what they are not only creates like a lack of direction sometimes or unfulfilling relationships because we don't have to communicate our needs if we don't know what they are um but also things like a lack of purpose a lack of vibrancy or direction or fulfillment and often when we have unmet needs in a relationship or when we have a sort of drifting happening in our happening in our lives we don't have a purpose and direction because we're not aware of our needs this can be a big source of of depression right there's there's three major sources and i have a whole other video that goes about this and goes around this in a whole bunch of detail but this is one of the third three major sources if we constantly have unmet needs that are really important to our identity and and to our emotional well-being our subconscious mind is supposed to elicit constant emotional pain and it's there to poke at us to get our awareness so that we can go inwards we can evolve and adapt meet our needs and then feel good again and that's a process of human emotional evolution and growth so we have a whole bunch of ways that these needs take place we have our basic human needs okay and this is from the work of tony robbins and our basic human needs and this is his work is based on a whole bunch of research from a whole bunch of other places but basically our six basic human needs are certainty uncertainty growth contribution love and connection and significance okay so these are pretty self-explanatory significance has a lot to do with like meaning um purpose but also things like approval or ways that people get significance met um feeling powerful or important can make somebody feel significant the rest are pretty self-explanatory growth can be like career growth financial growth personal growth um you know all these different types of growth spiritual growth um and then certainty is really like safety security order structure knowing that you're going to be okay uncertainty can be novelty exploration change adventure um just having you know things that push you outside of your comfort zone new experiences things that you're not certain about right um and then obviously love and connection contribution these things are pretty um self-explanatory so so these are basic human needs and these are things we all need for emotional well-being and what happens and this is a whole bunch of research i've done as a person is that i've developed a system that says from these six basic human needs our subconscious mind builds positive versus negative emotional associations to strategies to get our needs met so i know that sounds like this big crazy like what does that even mean i'm gonna explain it to you so imagine that you have a basic need for love and connection and let's say that ranks really high okay and you really value love and connection it's really important to and then you know out of those six basic human needs it's very high let's say it's your highest and then let's say you go to school as a kid and you have a tough time making friends and maybe you know social love and connection or emotional bonds through your peers and and receiving love and connection through that method or mode or that strategy let's say it doesn't work that well for you well your brain is going to build more negative associations to peers and deriving your basic need for love and connection met through peers because it's going to go this doesn't feel that good it feels disempowering i don't make really good friends it doesn't fill my cup you know i don't have really positive experiences or i don't feel like i'm receiving a lot of emotional connection through that method or modality and so let's say by comparison that you're the same person having that experience with your peers and let's say you have lots of really powerful experiences with your family maybe your family um you know you're securely attached to your family maybe they make you feel seen and hurt and understood in all these different things and so you build in a lot of positive emotional associations to the need for love and connection being met through family so these become our personality needs you know based on our six basic human needs where we have the biggest strategies that work best for us to get those needs met become a big part of our personality needs so you might go okay family is a really important thing to me well why is family important to why is somebody a family man or a family woman or why do they value their family so much because at a deep profound level it's actually meeting their most important basic human need for love and connection now without going too far into it our basic human needs but usually rank based on where we have the most perceived lack and the most um emphasized perception of value or importance um and that's maybe a topic for a different conversation but but um you can look at it as like based on your basic human needs what strategies work best for you to get those basic human needs met and those strategies are going to become a big part of your personality or identity so we have this and then what happens is if we don't have a strategy for getting these needs met ourselves or or you know okay so let me actually backtrack for a second so you have your six basic human needs you have your personality needs okay so another example could be growth could be important to you and maybe you find the most growth and empowerment from career growth or from personal growth like doing mental emotional growth and understanding yourself or from spiritual growth and your connection to something greater than yourself wherever you have the most positive over negative associations that's going to become a big part of your personality needs and the way that you get your needs met through your persona itself and these things become very important driving factors for our lives they determine you know how much time we spend on things what we want to connect with other people over what we want to speak about what we spend our money on what we feel good about and inspired by versus what we feel not good about if something if we perceive something threatens our needs so but by that token you might have the experience of having a really high need for certainty or security okay so maybe from your basic human native certainty security is really important so maybe order structure organization maybe those are the ways you get your needs met and so that becomes a personality need and then maybe somebody who's reckless or careless or disorganized you might feel threatened by them or frustrated by them because at a subconscious level you perceive that they threaten your personality needs and remember your personality needs are basically your identity they're your sense of self so when our personality needs feel threatened it feels like a potential death of self or threat to our own survival and that's why people get triggered by different characters and personalities to a certain degree that's a big part of what plays a role in that so there's so much more to say about this topic but what i want you to understand from this and this is a huge thing for like all the pds students who i know will be like oh you made this video um because it's a question i get in the school so often is how do we meet our own needs but i want to get you to the importance of seeing why we have to be able to meet our own needs okay so we have those basic human needs we have our our personality needs then we have our tertiary needs these are our moment-to-moment needs these are like these little streams leading back into a bigger body of water leading back to the biggest body of water which is our basic human needs so you can imagine it's like little streams to larger streams or like your tertiary needs to your personality needs then to the big body of water being those six basic human needs that drive you and so and those are almost unconscious they're so deeply embedded in your subconscious and so um when we look at our tertiary needs these are moment-to-moment needs so these are like basically the same way we're like reverse engineering from family to love and connection it's like what do we need from our family to feel like the family bucket is fulfilled so this could be things like we want to feel seen heard understood these daily needs we have to fill our personality needs buckets okay and i know i'm kind of like whizzing through this and it might feel like well this is so much information i have like a full three hour course on this that goes into a tremendous amount way more detail um around this information but you have to understand sort of this basic framework first in order to know what i'm getting to in this specific video topic so you have these like smaller streams that lead into the bigger streams leading to the biggest body of water and and these are your daily needs now when we want to get our needs filled okay so once we've done the work maybe we've jumped in the school you've done the exercises to understand all of your needs structure so you're super clear then what happens is we have to be able to recognize um the importance of a specificity so you know on a on a daily basis if we know our basic human need is for love and connection but then we don't know like are the ways we get that and what our personality needs are it's kind of like saying i love going to an amusement park but i don't know what my favorite ride is it's like you can wander around the amusement park and get some of your your you know um buckets filled and feel good like oh yeah it's fun being at the amusement park but if you know i go to the amusement park and my favorite ride is this and this is my favorite game you know then you're gonna have way more fun at the amusement park so so by the same token like under that same analogy if you know your basic human needs that's amazing this is going to be like a general direction your behavior is driven towards but if you know the personality needs that get that need met that's like knowing your favorite ride in the amusement park it's like knowing that family meets your need for love and connection or friendships meet the need for a love and connection or um you know pets or um social connections or you know whatever it might be your form right romantic relationships for love and connection and so then you you're more empowered to get more fulfillment because you know the best strategy for you to derive that fulfillment to meet one of those six basic human needs and then if you know your moment-to-moment needs it's like even better it's like knowing that it's not just romantic relationships that meet your need for love and connection it's when you feel seen heard and appreciated in a romantic relationship and it's like really fine-tuning your ability to get your needs met by others because of the fact that you are communicating in a way that is like you knowing exactly the map to your favorite ride and exactly what your favorite game is and having a plan so you're like most efficient and effective at having the best time in your immune at the amusement park this is like your most efficient and effective road map for having the best time in your life okay so so this is sort of i hope this is all coming together and making sense so far so when we look at then how this translates to having others meet our needs what you also have to recognize is that you're not going to be good at receiving those needs be from being met if you're not able to fill your own cup halfway so if you know for example that feeling seen heard and understood by others is such a thing for you in romantic relationships to meet that big need of love and connection but then you're not good at seeing hearing and understanding yourself how are you going to be at communicating yourself to others how are you going to be at actually communicating what your fears are or wounds are or these things about yourself that you truly want people to see here and understand so here is like this really important pivotal point when it comes to our needs it's before i can receive my needs from others effectively i first have to have the road map of understanding my six basic human needs the best strategies aka the best my favorite ride in the amusement park the best strategies to get those needs and then exactly the the dynamics through which that's my favorite ride or my favorite game as well as my favorite ride so it's like then also to know that i want to feel seen heard and understood by my romantic relationships and that's the best way to get love and connection met so you get this whole map from the from the discover and embrace your personality needs course because it guides you there and then what we have to understand is then to feel seen heard and understood i have to do that work and film a cup halfway first and your needs are like buckets we feel fulfilled when our buckets are fulfilled when they are filled up and we feel a lack of fulfillment and emotional pain and disconnection when those buckets aren't filled so unless we have a really clear picture of these needs at a deep profound subconscious level we're really minimizing our ability to feel fulfilled in our personal lives as well as in our romantic relationships friendships family relationships overall so it's extremely important to be able to understand this stuff and then if you don't have that dynamic at play right then then if you're not able to um fill your cup halfway yourself or fill your bucket halfway yourself what you can compare this to is it's like it's like you you're driving somewhere and your gas tank is permanently on empty and you don't know how to go and fill up your gas tank halfway yourself and so every person that passes you by you're going to become desperate for them to give you gas and then you're going to do things from a desperate perspective that might frighten people that might push them away that might be like i'm not giving you my gas like you're you're being you're coming on too strong and the same analogy applies to our personal lives if we are desperate for love and connection from others and we don't know how to give love and connection to ourselves if we're desperate to be seen heard by others we don't know how to give these things to ourselves it's gonna come out in the wrong way we're not going to ask for it properly and we're going to have dependency on those needs being met outside of us because we don't have any capacity to fill our own tank halfway and whenever we run on empty we become desperate to get our needs met and then we have you know we're seeking the fastest ways of getting our needs met not the best ways of getting our needs met and so what you can imagine is to be in a healthy relationship to get our needs met from others we have to be able to fill our own cup halfway that's a non-negotiable and um you know if we are in charge of that then we don't come from a place of lack and we don't put up with things that aren't serving us because we're so desperate to get this need met that we're willing to put up with all this not so great stuff on over here right which is like how many times have you seen people in relationships and they won't let go of a bad relationship because the relationship is meeting some need that is so important and so prevalent for this person that they're not able to meet for themselves that it creates almost like an addiction or a dependency on this person or relationship and they're unwilling to let go of it even though all this crappy stuff is happening over here because they're really unwilling to let go of that need being met and so what we can do is we can come up with strategies to meet our own needs now a lot of students inside of our school are like doing this and have done you know in this is a big in-depth course that people do and then they're like how do we meet our needs for love and connection or romance or affection and or emotional connection and how do we not just seek that outside of ourselves and here's the really profound part okay and hopefully this isn't too much info or like advanced stuff to put into a video i save all the like advanced stuff for inside the school because i have three hours to do the courses and stuff but here's this big point that i want you to know um everything is lace is sort of streaming back to our sixth basic human needs so when we're trying to meet our own needs all you have to do is look at yourself and be like okay so what is the need that i'm trying to meet so maybe it's affection from romantic relationships to get love and connection and you're like how do i meet affection in the relationship to myself well what you can ask is what basic human needs does affection meet oh my gosh well when i get affection from a romantic partner i feel loved i feel um safe okay so i hear love and connection and certainty from the basic human needs and so all we have to do is be able to recognize when we're trying to meet our own needs in those trickier forms all we have to be able to do is recognize what basic human needs is this tertiary need meeting and how can i make sure i'm really filling those basic human needs up and while it's not going to be your favorite ride on the you know it's not like you went to your favorite ride in the amusement park what it is going to do is it's going to fill your bucket up enough so that you had an enjoyable time you you this you know on the saturday afternoon you went to the amusement park you didn't get to go on all the best rides and have all your best snacks or or games but you were there and you still had an enjoyable day and this is the same idea it's like if we can know what we're seeking at that tertiary level and get really clear and then we can go okay what basic human needs is that linked to and then fill up our bucket from that perspective we're not going to feel like we're overflowing with affection when we're single or quarantined or isolated but we by meeting those the the basic human needs that thing is linked to you know how do we have more safety in our lives because a lot of like growing up our earliest emotional associations to um affection are usually being held by a parent or breastfed or cradled or rock to sleep or all these things that actually induce feelings of safety to a child and those are early subconscious programs so if we can meet our needs for safety in different forms by being organized structured maybe living in a safe area having a safety plan um you know having certainty in terms of organizing your life and having goals for yourself even if you're a little bit isolated or quarantined or whatever it might be and then if you can have love and connection met by reaching out to multiple friends and family having zoom calls booked phone conversations that you're more vulnerable in and then even things at a surface level like what makes you feel like you're receiving affection wrapping yourself in blankets wearing cozy pjs and lighting candles and drinking tea and putting on the fire like if you can do these things in all different forms you're not gonna be like necessarily exploding with fulfillment like as if you know it won't necessarily feel the same way it would feel to have you know be held by a romantic partner and it's the love of your life and you're so you know happy in that moment but it's not gonna be like you're just stuck in a room instead of at least going to the amusement park on that sunday saturday or sunday afternoon and so that's the idea and what i really want to stress here is that when we meet our needs like that okay and we fill our bucket halfway because we can always fill our own bucket at least halfway sometimes more what this creates is not a lack mentality when we go to receive needs from other people and so let's say we're on a date and we we want affection we miss affection if we're coming towards affection from a space where we already have those underlying needs being met of safety of comfort of of um well the basic human needs would be um certainty and love and connection if those things are full affection will feel like this nice benefit we get to receive and we'll be able to approach it from a space of healthy non-attachment from from a space of like being open and really excited to receive it but not a place where we're like what if i lose it what if i lose it what if i lose it and the moment we come towards needs from a place of desperation and lack within ourselves we sabotage our receiving of them from others and there's a whole bunch of subconscious reasons for that that i will save for maybe another video if you want to see that let me know in the comments below like why when we come towards things from a place of desperation and lack we actually end up sabotaging them the vast majority of the time or pushing them away without recognizing and i'm sure everybody can relate and there's actually specific mechanics for that that i won't cover in this video because i know it's already like very in-depth um but if you're interested let me know in the comments below but what i want you to understand is that whole process the way it works and this is a very high level description of like you know in the personality needs course literally there's like workbooks questionnaires for you to define your needs understand them in order what's the what's the hierarchy what you're specifically are and it creates a roadmap not just for fulfillment but also for interpersonal relationships and and we we give tools and and especially in our advanced needs course coming out about how to understand others nate so we can have the best version of our most harmonious relationships and also understand and respect each other's identities when we dive into interpersonal interactions so i hope this wasn't too much information um all jam-packed in one video you can always i know some people say i speak fast and it's definitely true um you can always slow down the time on youtube like you can i think you can like make it go at like half speed by the way in case anybody's wondering i see a lot of you guys leave that in the comments and i think it's really valuable to share so thank you guys and then also you can re-watch this and go back through it or you can jump into um the school and start this course for yourself because i think these things like the amount of time and and energy they save you that would be spent floating around not feeling like your needs are met or not feeling very fulfilled or as fulfilled as you could be is huge is really really powerful to to make the shift from one side to the other so i hope this is useful um thank you so much for watching and for being here please like share and subscribe if you're getting a lot of value out of this channel i would so appreciate it and i will see you in the next video

Channel: The Personal Development School

Views: 138,366

Keywords: personal development school, thais gibson, personal development, mental health, personal growth, self improvement, self growth, self development, how to master your emotions, emotional mastery, mastering your emotions, master your emotions, how to control your emotions, master my emotions, personal development school how to control your emotions, meet your own needs, how to meet your own needs, what are my needs, needs in a relationship, emotional needs

Id: iORt-63HNo4

Length: 26min 6sec (1566 seconds)

Published: Sun Oct 04 2020