IMPORTANT - What Communication Should Be Like As You Become Securely Attached (In Depth)

[Music] hi my name is taggie skibson and i'm the co-owner and creator of the personal development school this is your daily breakthrough video and in this video i really want to talk about what communication should feel like in a healed attachment style relationship and so really like what i mean is what securely attached communication looks like but i want to approach this from the perspective of me not sharing with you a story or you know from the perspective of two securely attached people i've seen who came into the world and were securely attached to begin with i want to talk to you specifically about individuals who are insecurely attached worked on their communication and then what their communication should look and feel like so that you have something to um like move towards in terms of a north star and what sort of like a guiding force right so so what i want you to realize as i share this information in this video today and i'm going to go through and tell you like what it should look like what it should feel like some steps you can take to actually get there what i want you to recognize is that one of the benefits to being a securely sorry one of the benefits to being an insecurely attached individual and starting your journey into yourself is that in order to achieve secure communication and proper communication where you can like truly stay rooted and present and not be super triggered and not lose your your sense of self and stability and actually like have space to empathize and hear and understand somebody else's perspective as they're communicating to you at a point of contention or conflict and still express your feelings and needs and boundaries and communicate back and like stay rooted one of the most beautiful things is that for a securely attached person with less wounds less trauma less big triggers that can be set off a natural tendency to communicate their needs and feelings and not feel triggered um in doing so for you to be able to achieve this degree of communication that we're going to be talking about in this video one of the benefits of being an insecurely attached person is that the work forces you to go deeper into yourself to understand yourself so profoundly to know your core wounds to be able to express your fears to work through and be vulnerable and if we have two insecurely attached people doing this work and sharing more vulnerably knowing their fears understanding where they came from being able to hold space for another person and hear and understand them too if we have two insecurely attached people who are able to do this in the relationship what i've seen in all of my work with couples over the years is that these people stay together and their relationship freaking flourishes it thrives i don't think to date i think there's been two people i've seen in the history of my entire practice in couples work specifically two couples who have done this work really put themselves into it wholeheartedly and been like yeah and we don't want our relationship to work it almost always goes the opposite direction and in those two cases their relationship and the splitting up was so amicable and so beautiful and like they maintained a friendship after this after splitting up because they showed up and they did this work so like what i want you to understand is that i think a lot of people are like oh people get bored in relationships or people you know relationships won't last or you know you just build up resentment over time no that's what we've seen in in in most of the relationships that were modeled to us this isn't what we should be going for it's not to like settle in and make the relationship survive for years and say you made your marriage work it's to be in a relationship and the goal is to be in a relationship and to get to a space where you're so clear about yourself you're so able to be vulnerable and share things with a partner and that person is doing the work as well so that they can be clear about their fears their insecurities their issues work through them on their own but also share them in the relationship so both people can properly take each other into consideration and you can get to a point in a relationship where the roots you've built and like nourished and harvested are so deep that it's really hard to make that relationship not work the relationship becomes basically unshakable because the roots are so deep and when when people you know feel seen heard understood loved cared for taken into consideration in their weaknesses in their vulnerabilities you know in it for all of who they are this is how we're really getting to a space of somewhat unconditional love and this is how relationships really really feel fulfilling and rewarding so i feel like i'm like kind of extending this point a little bit too long but what i want you to understand and i'm going to go through and tell you some steps in a moment and like what this should look like and feel like and how you can get there what i really want you to understand is that if you are an insecurely attached person don't stress like these are just a subconscious set of patterns they're reprogrammable and also you can get to a point in your life where you are like okay you know communication can be so great i can do the work on myself so much and my relationship can be even stronger and deeper and more profound than it ever would have been as just coming into the world and getting secure programming because i did this work because i was forced to get to know myself for the healing process okay so and because then i was able to learn how to share and communicate that self with others and then to hold space and be compassionate and empathetic enough to hear somebody else out and to see them and to want to do the same thing back for them which creates this much deeper connection in in a relationship so what i'm going to take you through and i know that this is already like its own video before i tell you the work um is just what what your goals should be in terms of communication and some steps and strategies you can use to get there to achieve that okay and um as i dive into this too please know like if you are looking to do this work if you want to do a deep dive into communication and learning how to do that work um we have a coupon code for our memberships it's 25 off the coupon code is with you all one word we also have lot lifetime memberships out just for the month of september they're 50 something percent off like 52 or something percent off um and it's just for the month of september leading up to our october 2nd anniversary so that's available and if you're looking to do this work specifically do the communication course inside the school and then the communication script course which is sort of like the advanced version which will give you all the principles of like how to understand how to communicate in a relationship and then specific scripts to guide you there and to get there okay and i'm going to tell you how to do this right now so number one yes the road is longer right no matter what if you're if you come into the world securely attached it's gonna you you've learned at an early age if you're securely attached that your feelings and needs are worth being expressed and worthy of being heard and so you feel safe communicating them and if you are an insecurely attached person you don't have that same programming and so yes you have to dig deeper into yourself you have to understand your core wounds okay you have to understand the meaning you give to situations because let me tell you a story right now i had a couple come into my office once and the female was like so angry i used to tell the story all the time i haven't toiled in so long but the female was so angry about the husband leaving the laundry on the floor and she was like i am disrespected like she was like so mad she felt like every time she saw that piece of laundry her husband was disrespecting her and she was limited she was like 10 out of 10 angry and we know you're not 10 or 10 mad because the clothes are on the floor you're 10 out of 10 mad because of the meaning you give to the clothes being on the floor and as she was expressing her anger in my office the husband was getting like very sad and like you know you could see his body language really shift and become like defensive and almost like childlike and and i asked him like okay so what do you make this mean when she's getting so mad about the laundry and he's like well she must not love me very much because i try so hard to be a good husband in all these other areas and she's like you know getting so mad about this and you know i i and he lists off all these things that he did in the marriage and with the kids and and so you have this couple and they're like really going at it arguing about the clothes being left on the floor but it's not about the clothes it's about the meaning being given to the situation and we need to understand as individuals what our meanings are and if you pay close attention not by available in the school she worked for she also felt disrespected by her kids that they talked back there she also felt disrespected by her parents so she had this wound that was imprinting her imprinted on her and she kept sort of reprojecting that and putting that meaning back out onto her external environment and we all have patterns of meaning we give to things and we need to understand what ours out what hours are so we can begin doing the reprogramming work around them it's extremely extremely important so that's number one okay we need to understand our core wounds and we need to be able to question those stories that we tell you know can i 100 know my husband disrespects me if he leaves the clothes on the floor can i work through that can i can i look for the reasons he does respect me so i can still go to him and say hey it's really important for me that you pick up your clothes and i really need to set a boundary how can we work on this together because this is getting very upsetting for me in the relationship but i can go in there and have that conversation from an even keeled space where i'm most likely to get heard and received because i'm emotionally regulated when i go in i don't go in and say you always leave the clothes on the floor what's wrong with you nobody hears that people hear you want to fight with me and now i have to defend myself because people's early associations and programs from childhood are oh my god i'm being attacked and i lose you know it's a big tall scary parent and there's this little child like me and so all of our earliest programs around what it means to to be in conflict are painful and we lose and we feel powerless and all these things so in our adult lives we're all trying to equilibrate from that and take our power back and and get mad but then we don't get heard by other people because they're having the same experience as we are and they're defensive and shut down so it's so important that we understand the meaning we question our stories we go into communication regulated and then we share the meaning we give it's so important to be able to do this this is like this is like when we're reaching the level of mastery in our communication to be able to say listen i know you're not trying to disrespect me when you leave the clothes on the floor but every time i see that that's what comes up for me i experience feeling like you have no respect for me and so it's really painful and and i know that that's probably my individual meaning and i know that you might respect me all these other ways but you know as we navigate this and as we work on this let's put some strategies into place and i could also really use knowing that you do respect me and i'd like to hear that from you and so we have to be able to say like this is the meaning i give it's probably my meaning but this is what i'm experiencing and i want you to know what that feels like for me so you can empathize with that so you can understand that and then you think twice about the clothes on the floor it's not just oh a little mess and no mess ever hurt anybody it's oh my wife feels disrespected and so we have to be able to share that context and every single time that we do as people it's really beautiful and powerful because i think what unconditional love is and what it's made up of and how we reach that sort of point is it's the absence of all of the invisible walls we be we build between ourselves and another person because we make assumptions and we project our own stories and our own expectations and and every time we do that it prevents us from truly seeing and hearing and understanding another person and if we can't truly see and understand and hear another person how we can how can we properly take them into consideration and how can we properly love them as they are not as we've thought them up to be and so part of this work and part of what we're trying to get to when we're insecurely attached and we want to become secure is we want to be able to um communicate these fears that we have communicate these pain points that exist within our psyche still work through them within ourselves but share them with our partners so they can see and understand us more deeply and then love us more accordingly and we can feel loved because we know that we're seen and heard and understood and taken into consideration as we are not as the story of them that not as the story of us that they've created if that makes sense okay because we do that we we don't see people when we're in pain we see the stories of them oh this person is supposed to be clean because i expect them to be and the fact that they're not is them disrespecting me and we give all this meaning and we tell these stories and it's like it's like we cover somebody up in like post-it notes of of thoughts we have about them and then we forget that they're their own human being and we have to be able to share ourselves get hurt and then ask and work to understand somebody else's perspective and so what we're trying to get to when we go through this whole process is we're trying to get to this point where we can understand the meaning or the wound work through that wound within ourselves by questioning that story share that we have that wound with our partner and ask for what we need as a result like i i need us to work on this and let's put some strategies together i need you to be more tidy and like how can we do that and then see your needs through not expect that because you communicated once somebody's going to be perfect show up again have a conversation again if somebody never tries that's a different matter but if somebody's like you know pretty good with the laundry after that conversation and then they forget every few weeks or every few months but there's a massive improvement we can't shame somebody for that because they're having to reprogram themselves to adapt to us and so you know if you think about it it's sort of like a relationship is two people with individual programming coming together and the more we can peel those layers back between us between ourselves and somebody else the more unconditionally we can love because the more we can see and hear and understand and consider and think of somebody else and take them into consideration and vice versa so that's like your first big piece and what i'm gonna do here is um we have an advanced needs course coming out and we talk a lot about how to try to understand somebody else's needs and how to open up and communicate and ask those questions and say what do you need in this situation but i'm going to leave you with this right now if you're trying to then understand how to do that for somebody else and hold that space you have to ask them you know what's going on when you leave the clothes on the floor what's happening with your laundry i want to understand so that i it's i can have the absence of judgment and anger because since i understand what's happening what are your programs what are your patterns what do you need or the way i communicate if you shut down why what meaning do you give and how can i communicate better so that i can get heard but i don't hurt you either what do you need in this situation and so we have to take that work that we do with ourselves in terms of understanding our own wounds and being able to communicate them and share them vulnerably and question our stories and understand what we need and we have to ask those same questions that help us get to the bottom of that in the relationships with the people around us that we love and if we can do all of that collectively we don't just have a securely attached relationship between two people we have so much more and this is what i want every insecurely attached person on this channel listening in to hold themselves to to that standard because it's possible i've seen it thousands of times at this point the relationships i personally have with people around me are like very much like that and it's a beautiful rewarding experience and it doesn't have to feel like conflict is a relationship ender or some huge problem it feels like okay this is something we have to talk through and work through and we know that on the other end we're going to become stronger and closer because of it and have more deep understanding and peel layers back with ourselves and with others and it's this beautiful almost like joyous and rewarding experience and so things won't be perfect as you go through this journey it'll be tough sometimes not everybody's going to jump on and participate with you but if you can do this work and hold yourself to this standard you're going to find people who want this same thing because humans crave this type of experience and if you can facilitate this for yourself over time you're gonna find that all the relationships around you that are closest to you that you're most connected with are the people that are having these types of conversations with you and it's a really really beautiful experience i hope everybody can understand that and it can hold themselves to this standard of their communication i can't stress enough how important this is um and i hope this all makes sense and i didn't you know run around and talk in circles too much but i'm really passionate about this topic so thank you so much for being here and for watching please like share and subscribe if you're getting a lot of value out of this channel and i will see you in the next video you

Channel: The Personal Development School

Views: 34,055

Keywords: personal growth, personal development, personal development school, thais gibson, attachment trauma, attachment theory, securely attached, secure attachment style, secure attachment, communication, relationship advice, dating advice, what is communication, self improvement, relationships, mental health, life coaching, psychology, psychologist, healthy relationship, conflict communication, communication skills, marriage advice, thias gibson, fa, da, aa, ap

Id: GhDb7K9BXK8

Length: 16min 58sec (1018 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 21 2020