How to know it’s over

current dating is just practicing for divorce what's that mean it means you're learning the tools and skills required to recover from a breakup rather than how to maintain a marriage so you are learning how to make somebody jealous how to move on quickly how to meet somebody new how to play hard to get how to play games how to essentially ensure your relationship will not make it through the tough times you're not learning how to sustain and maintain and how to debunk some of the behaviors in yourself that are toxic to the relationship you're just learning how to categorize every X of yours as a narcissist but not about what behaviors or traits in you attract or even are narcissistic so I think the current date and climate is purely how do I move on how do I protect myself how do I not get to a touch catch flights not feelings that culture is what we're being taught I guess this is similar to what we said before the risk aversion the guarded response mm-hmm exactly that that's what it is well I mean in your opinion have you noticed that as well like from a man's perspective I mean I've noticed it as a woman because I remember trying to share something positive about men um and I couldn't find a meme online I was looking and scrolling I was trying to find something to show how lovely it is when you're loved by a man and I scrolled for hours and hours I couldn't find anything but when I try and look for a meme that will say men are this men or that within a second and then that was my wake-up moment because I was just like even if I wanted to say something positive about my partner I can't find anything online um and then I realized that it is a culture of getting you to hate men is it the same in for men do you find that the same kind of cultures being trying to be breeded certainly in terms of men having distaste for women uh you know like don't worry King you don't need her she's just a hoe in any case like Sigma signal means abound yeah there's a lot less positivity from Men to Men generally right I think that there are still pro-women women women cohorts yeah but there are fewer pro-men male cohuts and um you know that's partly just because of the trend everyone says like women will give their uh give people compliments and not mean them men will take the piss out of each other and not mean it it's yeah that kind of balance but it it can mean you know think about Jordan Peterson right why he came onto the scene so much and he he used to tear up all the time telling the same story which was these men have never had a positive word told to them their entire lives they've never been encouraged they've never been told that they are worthy of Love or acceptance or praise or validity or any of that yeah why did that message resonate because so many men felt and still do feel like no one sees them that life can be hard that they do have emotions that they do want to open up that they do need support that they do want to be praised in a way and because there is nothing deeper I think because there is still a challenge in maybe men opening up themselves is some of the boundaries of that have been broken but the boundaries of men responding to men that have opened up definitely still exist in a massive massive way so okay what are the ways in which I can get some validation from the world well success money cars education women status Prestige dominance aggression you know all of these they're like proxies for what a lot of men want and that's not to say I want all of those things as well right but they're proxies for what men Miss I think more spiritually and eggs essentially yeah I absolutely agree I feel like in my work when I've worked with men who have turned to um prostitution and who have turned to pornography addiction um a lot of the time especially when they turn to prostitution or even just a gold digger um they're so hurt when she doesn't like them back so they're not paying for sex they're actually paying for intimacy and I always tell them you can't buy intimacy you can't buy it this girl you can buy her a bag and you can have sex with her but you're craving connection and that is something you can't buy and the reason they're craving connection is because a they don't know where to find it and also they're being told if they do look for connection they're a simp that word simp gets thrown around so we've almost shamed men for wanting and craving connection and I can say in honestly the men that cheat the men that tend to pornography the men that tend to escorts I'm very non-judgmental because I understand behind every self-sabotaging Behavior there is a need that has not been met for a really long time and for that need to be met they turn to self-destructive Behavior as a coping mechanism so um I definitely think that we've got a crisis of men seeking intimacy but believing that it's wrong and the culture and the internet is also teaching them that it's wrong so they're secretly craving it and then secretly finding uh Outsourcing it in the wrong ways simping for women is wanting emotional connection but somehow buying her a bag and flying her all over the world is not simping and that's the alpha male way to do stuff right yeah okay so yeah you've said current dating is just practicing for divorce there's a lot of talk about the fragility of long-term relationships and divorce rates going up you've actually done some research looking at what predicts divorce what did you find well I I have to give credit where credit's due but the the most long-standing Research into uh marriage and relationships was by the gottman institution and they did the most scientific and objective analysis of relationships and they studied 10 000 couples in a lab over a couple of days and they were able to predict with 80 accuracy which couples would stay together and which ones would get divorced within a year and it was so simple what they were able to find and it was simple thing as responding to each other's bids for connection what I mean by this is when we have a partnership where one person comes home and expresses an emotion the other one picks up on it that partnership has the base levels to last a really long time so it could be a simple thing like you come home from work and say I'm so tired and your partner says why what's wrong simple connection from that connection they've trust each other and then they start to lean into each other but if you come home and you're like I'm so tired and your partners either is nothing or says why are you tired I'm the one that's been with the kids all day or what have you done all day I've been at work all day that turning away from each other's emotional needs is the training ground for divorce they are now setting themselves up for divorce and it might not happen today it might not happen tomorrow it might last another 10 15 years but we get emotionally exhausted by having partners who reject our kind of advances for connection and eventually the relationship ends why is it the case then the divorce rates are rising if that's the biggest predictor if that's 80 accuracy of being able to predict why has that specific trait changed so much over the last 50 years distractions distractions distractions distractions there are alternatives to everything even if you want a meal you'll have 50 alternatives on ubereats you want to go out to eat there's 50 places that you could go you want to watch something there's 50 Alternatives of what to watch there are so many alternatives to every single asset aspect of life that it makes it almost impossible to invest in one everybody and everything becomes disposable so what's happening is when your partner comes home a bit tired or stressed it may be in the past you'd pick up on it but now you're on your phone or maybe when your partner wanted to watch a series that you didn't care about in the past you may have been like okay it's fine it's I'll just get on with it there's nothing else on now like you watch this I'm going to watch that there's so many alternatives to everybody and every every person is now becoming so disposable that we can no longer have the patience to invest in people's emotional needs and we're becoming so hedonistic that our emotional needs come first and we're being taught this in society Society more and more we're always talked about put you first self-esteem self-assurance self-actualization the word self is kind of programmed in our psyche and the collectivism that we used to have as a society is gone so we're no longer getting happiness from somebody else's happiness it's a it's a selfish Pursuit now unfortunately isn't it strange that the trait of focusing not on somebody else's desire for connection is causing you to turn inward that is causing divorces to increase down the line which means that people respond to that by being more defensive by being more guarded and more cynical which makes them turn further inward which makes them less of an eligible partner to the next relationship which then just creates a cycle that then gets broadcast onto the internet people who haven't had much experience in relationships because they're young or because they fail out or because they're concerned or nervous or averted to risk use that as their proxy and say right well I'd better enter into this relationship guarding myself so that I don't get hurt which makes it more likely that it's going to break up and the cycle just continues it's exactly that what happens is we're actually entering relationships with our armor up but in the process of playing those games like not texting back uh not getting too close not attaching not telling them that you miss them not telling them that you love them you are training somebody to love you in the wrong way if I'm somebody who's needy and I actually need lots of love and reassurance but I don't want to text first and I don't want to be looking needing I don't want to say I miss you because I'm going to wait for him I'm then teaching him that I'm cool calm and collect and I don't care when I hear from him if I see you I see you but then he's under he's not getting the training ground of what I truly want he's not getting access to my true needs so I am now no longer communicating effectively I am actually teaching him how to love in and in a very avoidant and dismissive manner because I'm pretending to be cool when really if I say look I need to speak to my partner on a daily basis I like to see you regularly I love you I miss you what is this I like labels when I start communicating my needs he will actually learn how to love me but we're teaching people to do the opposite we're teaching people to pretend that they're somebody else and especially pretend that they're avoided pretend that they're independent depend that they pretend that they don't have these needs so essentially we're going to attract the wrong partner what else have you found that is a predictor of a toxic or a negative or a declining relationship a criticism over praise um again with the research one of the things that they find is partners that last are ones that praise a substantial amount compared to criticism so they scan the environment to kind of Praise their partner they'll look for excuses to praise their partner back even if it's as simple as like um you make the bed so good every time I come home the house is clean these tiny things any opportunity to praise their partner but what happens in relationships that end is they can't remember the last time they complimented each other they think it should be a given they think well you know I think you're pretty because I'm with you aren't I or you know I'm grateful that you pay the bills like you're a guy why do you need compliments men are craving this I've noticed a lot in in my practice the men that often have affairs they're not actually seeking sex they're seeking a woman that complements them they say they can't remember the last time a woman told them that he looks great words for women we our partner says it but also our friends will tell us people will tell us yeah we're always being told we're beautiful or whatever it is but for men if their partner doesn't tell them nobody does so when they meet somebody who simply tells them they look good they fit they're intelligent something to validate them they immediately become attracted to that because they're starved of it so praise is something that I think couples forget how important it is I suppose that the game playing and the Rivalry that sometimes happens in relationships as they start to go downhill that makes this situation worse because you're not going to praise somebody that you think is your rival or that you're trying to play games with or that you're unsure about the level of trust that you should put in them whoever you don't feel safe with thing is all of these things I'm saying they only come when you feel safe now simple things like liking other girls pictures or following people now makes people feel super unsafe super super unsafe so then guards go up I know people that the moment they add somebody on Instagram and they see who they're following they might have had a really great date with them everything was great but then they look on their following like oh straight away insecurities guards everything so we're now unfortunately in an environment where you're thrown into the deep end all your insecurities can now come alive through the use of social media so people are going into relationships ready for it to fall apart

Channel: Sadia Psychology

Views: 166,642

Keywords: #sadiakhan #psychology #sadiapsychology #relationshipcoach #coach #muslim #love #

Id: EnsFJevBS0c

Length: 13min 19sec (799 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 27 2023