How to Shake Off Your Insecurities and Walk With Confidence | Relationship Theory

absolutely no good behavior comes from obsessively thinking about something that you're insecure about it so do something to address it or move on all right so on to the next question indeed all right so we've got some great questions coming in um this is from charmio from switzerland on youtube hello lisa and tom as an ex-obese man to be what would you do to get better with women i'm shy when i want to connect how do i develop the verbal and relationship skills who all right well this is a terrifying question so uh the reason that it's terrifying for me is and i don't know how much of this is just like the reddit algorithm and how much of it is actually a growing problem and i honestly don't have the answer to that but the reddit algorithm serves me a lot of content around guys approaching women the way that i used to approach women which is terrible which is from a position of weakness and wanting um approval and shyness and i will quote four christmases like i do every time this topic comes up and say watch four christmases at christmas time the beginning the opening of that where she says i want a guy whose hand doesn't shake when he puts it up my blouse and as crass as that is like i so get that now when i say that that needs to be timed to a moment where the woman is very receptive and that that's where you are in the relationship i i want to over emphasize that but it's a line from a woman in this case and i get that and i used to be the guy that actually thought that women will find it attractive that i was a little bit shy and awkward like oh my god i honestly don't know what i was thinking i don't like from the perspective of where i am now i so understand that is the world's worst way to attract a woman so to the person who asked this question the first thing you need to do is really develop real confidence this is one of those times where it is so much better to find a way to project confidence even if you're not feeling it and i hesitate to say fake it till you make it but that is so much better than displaying your insecurities like jesus it that is that is an absolutely losing strategy so if you feel very awkward about saying like or or projecting something that you don't feel internally then put all of your time effort and energy into getting that confidence because oh my god like if somebody led honestly even a female to me led with just like awkwardness and shyness like while i get there's like uh you might find some sexual attraction for guys that really enjoy power dynamics like as a relationship that just wouldn't be interesting at least not for me because i am not i am not a caretaker that's just not my role in life so i yeah i would not find that attractive so this man this goes out to everybody out there like first of all confidence comes from competence so get really good at something care deeply about that thing you're getting really good at your confidence is gonna be um it's gonna grow from that finding a way to be yourself feel good about yourself and one of the reasons that he talks about a a future obese person to a formerly obese person to be which tells me that maybe he's on that journey but he hasn't quite gotten all the way where he wants to be he's meant to be to be right so i read that is he's still sort of in transition so the biggest part of the reason to other than longevity and cognition and all of that to get in shape is to actually feel good about who you are so that you emanate real confidence so yeah get the real confidence uh i need to get way better at explaining this because this is important like people need to get themselves to a point of real confidence it is not sexy it is not good for a long-term relationship to be awash in insecurities we all have them we all have them i have insecurities but i remember like you once said an offhanded comment and i was like uh-huh i'm gonna remember that and remember what it was yeah you said um yeah insecurity's just not sexy and i was like oh my god the truth of that was so apparent but the funny thing is you're still very open about your insecurities to me and it's not that i don't find it a turn off so if you would you would if it were obsessive so so where's that fine line then because because well it is right because i think that you being if you were like i don't have insecurities are you about to buy the microphone so i think um if you were like mr confident all the time and you're like i don't have insecurities like i would find that a turn off because i know that's bs it's like like you said everyone has insecurities and the fact that you're trying to hide it from me actually shows that you're insecure about your insecurities which again is a turn off so there's that so can we agree that the only thing that's attached is in security because so then there's a fine line because i want you to have confidence not arrogant and that's another big difference you came in arrogance i would be turned off immediately so there's a fine line between confidence and arrogance but within your confidence when you started telling me your insecurities there's almost confidence to that if that makes sense it does so that's why i said there's a fine line because if you just always insecure that would be a turn off if you're always pretending like you were secure that would be a turn-off correct but there's that fine line between leading if i need them just keep talking like it's building over here for me to shut up so you can say your thing um anyway so yes you get it so basically i think there is a fine line between how much confidence and how open you can be about your insecurities i think you're absolutely right about there's a fine line between confidence and arrogance and that one is like learning how to play that is very very difficult and what i have found is when your identity is built around being the learner and you're like you have real confidence i can figure this out i can learn it like nobody's gonna be weird about that now look you could become an and when you're rhetoric and this is where i find that people really up when your rhetoric is just overly aggressive that like i can learn anything i can learn it faster than you and you're like trying to rub people's face in it like that's where it's gonna get weird but like that one is tricky admittedly confidence and arrogance now the one that is not a fine line whatsoever is the difference between being insecure being honest about your insecurities and obsessing about it leading with it letting it consume you constantly seeking like approval in fact i'll just say that's the non-fine line so all those things that i'm insecure about i don't come to you and say make me feel better about this in anything not in those exact words not in the way that i'm a sucking gaping wound about something right so at the end of the day that's where people up you're trying to get the approval from somebody else that it's okay to be deeply insecure about that thing that you're insecure about let me just tell you right now it is okay be insecure about that thing don't wallow in it and take action about it now i'll take the one thing that is very difficult and there's nothing you can do about it being short okay for a guy like that is i'm sure but you mean men for men and here's the worst part about it women actually do judge men about being short okay like just uh the studies right so if you look at the studies that's one of the things where it's like yup like if you're short then that that doesn't help you i won't say that being short limits you in any way shape or form it just means you have to deal with that thing okay so you have to figure that out 100 now the thing that you're going to use to overcome it is confidence coming from a place of i know exactly where i am i know what my height is and i'm not going to be weird about it and the second the second you are totally secure in your insecurities as you were saying i'm not saying that it isn't an issue but that you're not turning and looking for approval you make exactly zero apologies for your height like you just own it that is you then all of a sudden people are so much more drawn to confidence than they are to height that all of a sudden like whoa like it is your confidence that people are responding to and it is like a magnet and it will attract people who are like i never thought i would date somebody shorter than me but like it's just not it's a non-issue and what they mean by that it's a non-issue for that person and that they make up for it make up for it air quotes air quotes they make up for it by getting really good at other things so whether that's um they are successful they are a talented athlete i just saw this online this weekend there's this guy he's he's five nine and he'll go do you know what a jump ball is in basketball you jump with a ball yes but it's like a specific thing it's a specific thing where they they throw the ball up and two people jump for it at the same time all right so this guy's five nine perfect so this guy is five nine and he goes against guys that are like six nine and he finds ways to win so sometimes it's just he out jumps other the guys that are a foot taller than him other times it's that he can tell where they're going to tip it and so he'll run so instead of actually even trying to tip it he just runs to where they tip it to and he grabs it and i thought that's the answer so for the overwhelming wall of humanity that is five nine and decides they could never be in the nba this guy and a whole slew of other people who you know don't have that kind of height they find other ways to get good at something else so anyway i can feel that i could go on and on and on about this forever but don't look for other people's affirmations like you have to give them to yourself you've got to be so good at some other thing that's relevant to that that you that it's just a non-issue you figure out how to work around it and then literally for me just knowing that obsessively being insecure about it there there isn't a single win that comes out of that nothing zero zip like absolutely no good behavior comes from obsessively thinking about something that you're insecure about it so do something to address it or move on yeah and um the one thing that came to mind actually while you were talking was when i was at the kind of let's say the lowest of my low of digestive issues where i literally could barely eat anything i was just losing weight and like just withering away i remember emotionally because i wasn't able to sustain food inside me to get all the nutrients i recognized that my emotions were kind of all over the place which isn't normally me and i could feel that i was getting sensitive and really like low self-esteem and i remember feeling like that i could use all the blame in the world right it's the food like i um i don't feel attractive and you know because i couldn't work out and so i kept looking for you for like compliments and if you weren't giving it to me or i would feel like less than i like i wouldn't have the confidence and then one day it just hit me i thought no one wants to because i'd look right like oh babe my muscles are gone oh look my butt's getting saggy and you know those sort of things in the hopes of you wanting you to say no babe you look beautiful and then i realized i'm looking for the external validation and that's not sexy so the fact that i want you to find me sexy i'm actually doing something that i feel is doing the opposite because it's not attractive when someone's insecure like that so i thought force it you literally said it earlier fake it until you make it and i just thought even if i have to fake it i have to tell myself lisa you're beautiful lisa you're sexy lisa your husband loves you um wear something awesome that's going to knock his you know like socks off but don't approach things to want to get the compliment by putting yourself down and i remember that so clearly and i was like you've got to stop like you can't say one more negative thing about yourself um and you have to walk in with confidence and i remember doing that and then changing it like your reaction to me changed and i don't know if it wasn't necessarily deliberate because i didn't think i necessarily said it out loud but i could feel you be like oh baby you look good today because i felt good and i was forcing myself to have that confidence and then it's kind of like the vicious cycle the spiral right it's then you start complimenting me then i start feeling actually feeling good so i actually have to fake it less and then in faking it less i feel right so yeah let's change the word fake to what you focus on right so you focus on the things you can control you can control your attitude so you're instead of letting yourself wallow in these negative thoughts you're forcing yourself to wallow in positive thoughts in the truth about the human condition and if you lead with confidence that you're going to feel better which is going to make me respond and all of that there's yeah there's a that whole concept that you fake until you make it like there is truth in that there is something real in there but the words don't get from people what they should i need to find a better way to say that because i totally faked it yeah i know what you mean but there's there's nuance in this one because i know what you did and you put yourself in a positive state of mind you'd focus on the things that were real you focus on the things you control you focus on like the fact that you were smart enough as much as i hate that word smart enough to realize you needed to do that to switch your attitude you felt good about really going through the gyrations to not let yourself be sucked down by the negative feelings to rise above what you were going through right so the confidence is actually emanating in a real way from all of those things even though it was to mask over something else that really was legitimate insecurity and it's that nuance that i think either helps people then really do it versus going i don't know how to fake it right so uh yeah so i don't want to derail this on that but it's it's actually something i think about you

Channel: Relationship Theory

Views: 41,231

Keywords: Relationship Theory, Tom Bilyeu, Lisa Bilyeu, relationships, couples, marriage, engaged, dating, relationship advice, advice, talking to women, talking to men, how to talk to women, how to talk to men, the importance of having confidence, confidence, overcoming insecurities, insecurities, positive thoughts, fake it til you make it., insecurity, your insecurities aren't sexy, how to build confidence

Id: 1rbp6otRijE

Length: 14min 40sec (880 seconds)

Published: Fri Nov 06 2020