How to ignore bad advice from good people | Ellie Shoja | TEDxTaftAvenue

I'm 12 years old translating a book from German into farsy because that's what 12-year-olds do I'm not a genius I am the daughter of an international con man which means I moved over 30 times lived in refugee camps lived in Germany Iran and turkey and changed my identity twice all before the age of 12 on the plus side I can tell telemarketers to get lost in four different languages so I'm on page 110 of this 200 Page book when my uncle walks in and asks me what I'm doing I'm translating a German book into Pary in that moment my uncle could have done a lot of different things he could have said that's interesting I've never known a person who did that or I'd like to read it when it's done or I know a little German he's sitting right over there any one of those would have been better than what he actually did he laughed ha you'll never finish it has this happened to you can you recall a time when someone you loved and respected said to you you can't do that it's too hard it's impossible you don't have what it takes did you believe them I did the sentence I was translating the moment my uncle walked in was the last sentence I translated in that book word have power sticks and stones may break your bones but words have the power to alter the entire trajectory of your life words are so powerful that they shape your reality they shape your identity within that reality when I was nine we boarded a plane in the middle of the night from Turkey to Germany we arrived at the frankurt airport with new identities my father sat me down he said you're no longer allowed to speak Turkish but that that's the only language I know no you don't know Turkish because you've never been to Turkey you want me to lie that's when my father said something to me that I will never forget it's not a lie if you believe it Henry Ford expressed a similar idea a bit more elegantly whether you think you can whether you think you can't either way you're right the first quote came from a con man the second from a Visionary both speak of using your thoughts to become whoever you want words are powerful because as human beings we are hardwired to trust a 2015 study from the Journal of Neuroscience found that most people want to trust others and our willingness to trust increases with the people that we know we want to believe that others are telling us the truth especially the people that we know love and respect I trusted my uncle I trusted my dad both men had my confidence both gave me bad advice both became conmen because that is the origin of the word con man the con stands for confidence I put my confidence in them and I got conned turns out you don't have to have bad intentions to give bad advice Henry Ford famously did not take bad advice in fact once he said if I'd asked them what they wanted they would have said Faster Horses I spent my 20s and a good part of my 30s trying to unlearn the lessons of my childhood I wanted relief heal feeling more than anything else I wanted to stop getting conned and what I learned what I realized was that in addition to all those conmen that we encounter out there in the wild every one of us has an inner conand telling us lies about who we are and what we can and cannot do do you have a voice inside your head that says you're not good enough you don't have what it takes you have to change who you are in order to fit in well I call that voice Fred and here are two things you need to know about Fred first Fred's language is fear he uses fear to plant doubt in your mind to put limits on your potential and to shame you for simply being you I look at 9-year-olds and at how hard it is to get them to do literally anything and I am just blown away that my father was able to get me to stop speaking Turkish the only language I knew fluently was just one conversation but then again he had Fred on his side it's amazing how the fear of consequences can control our Behavior words are powerful because your peace of mind depends on the words that you are willing to believe and the ones you choose to ignore if you really want to be happy you have to learn to ignore or Fred whether he's talking to you through someone else or he's screaming at you inside your own head like I have this thought that keeps coming into my head like do these people even care what I'm talking about like is this at all interesting like shut up Fred no one's talking to you if they like to talk they'll applaud oh thank you that's the thing just because he believes something doesn't mean you and I have to and that's the second thing you need to know about Fred is that his opinion of you really has nothing to do with you he's just projecting onto you his own fears his own limitations you don't have to buy into them my life once I I was able to recognize Fred's voice when my father gave me advice he was actually sharing with me his own worldview when he said things to me like never sit with your back to a door or you can't trust anyone even your own parents when my uncle told me that I could never finish my translation what he was actually saying was that he would never be able to translate a book as a kid I didn't realize that that was Fred talking if that exchange happened today I would say to my uncle the same thing I'm saying to you now stop listening to Fred stop being afraid to be you and then I would use my powerful words to speak of possibility rather than limitations to empower rather than trap and to create a world that is beautiful and filled with hope once I was able to recognize Fred's Voice Within Myself and others it became so much easier to ignore bad advice even when that advice came from the people that I love and Trust when you finally tell your Fred to shut up what beautiful realities will you create with your powerful words so if I have to leave you with one piece of practical advice for you specifically right here today go out there get yourself a German book to translate into farsy and don't let Fred tell you you can't thank you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 1,152

Keywords: Acceptance, Behavior, Childhood, Emotions, English, Family, Life, Self-help, TEDxTalks, [TEDxEID:51909]

Id: hdn9QVa3UgY

Length: 10min 26sec (626 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 06 2023