The Power of Vulnerability | Aliya Dikombaeva | TEDxNazarbayev University

[Music] what's the bravest thing you have ever said help asking for help it does not mean giving up it's refusal to give up this is a dialogue from the animated film the boy the girl the fox and the horse by Charlie which won an Oscar this year two years ago I felt like this like a queen a successful mind coach a transformation trainer with thousand of graduates a great daughter and wonderful mother at least that's what my two children would say me every day I was great at everything I was Invincible until my daughter went to a therapist mom you never listen to me mom you never recognize my feeling you always focusing on yourself it was really hard to hear this from my 29 years old daughter you see at that time I was working on my training on successful parenting and I saw if gen turbulence was over all the challenges in our relationship were over two and I wanted to share my success story as a parent I didn't know how to react it and I thought oh my God all my life I couldn't imagine hearing such kind of it is like a nightmare uh how could she tell me that I gave her an excellent London education she has an everything to be happy it's not fair how dare she tell me that I could never say something like this to my mom never ever my life was collapsed my heart was broken my self-esteem was ruined if I am the worst mother in the world how I can be a successful parenting trainer you know people are strong uh in the a lot of kind of way their knowledges their expertise their experience their skills uh their victories and the more strength we show in our life the more strength the more Invincible we feel one day we start seeing ourself as a superhero but superhero every superhero has their weak spot are you familiar with the Achilles the bravest the strongest and moreover the most beautiful Warrior of the entire Army of the ancient Greek according to the legend as an infant uh his mother took him to the river which uh was U supposed to give him the power of invisibility and she dipped him into the water and only one weak spot of his body was his heal by by which she was holding him Achilles was a glorious warer and not any single Arrow could kill him he thought he was invincible until he was hit in his Hill the only one vulnerable spot on his body you know that's exactly can happen to each of us just like it happened with me when my world collapsed you know focusing on the strengths maybe uh be aware about our strength it's a great idea you know and strength it's something what helps us to feel confident and fearless our strengths help us to react more proactively and keep our head cool and for example when someone ask me how can you coach people if you have a to divorce I say does a doctor need to be 100% healthy to be a great professional or do you choose a teacher based on their kids uh marks at the school I feel confident in my professional skills and whenever somebody ask me and try to challenge them I keep my head cool that's my strength but at the same time we should be uh aware about our vulnerabilities we are not Invincible you know a vulnerability is something that triggers all different reactions based on our fears and our insecurities our fears to be judged our fears to be refused our fears to be shamed you know and when my daughter tell me this I didn't know how to react it because in one hand I had a big Mother's desire to make feel her guilty or drop her down or start victimizing myself and shaming her but in the other hand I I realized that at the time I had to act as I preached and take to pause and try to understand her to understand her I had to question my own beliefs to understand her I had to ask my invincibility I had to accept that I'm not perfect and accept that had a vulnerability and my daughter's words were an indicator about my vulnerabilities you know it triggered a dramatic reactions what makes me feel so a lot of emotions from Pain to fear to angry to aggression to frustration to self-pity and now I know when I feel like this it's my vulnerability yes it sometimes makes me feel weak yes it's sometimes uh painful but you know this is a first point it's just a signal to me to open up and take a deep look into myself and accept it and you know vulnerability it's not so easy to sh up because we don't have any experience of it and maybe somebody could say we are good without this awareness about vulnerability right but let's look at the consequences first the number of suicide among children in aana Kazakhstan has risen seven times in this year according by World Health Organization over 700,000 people take their own life each year just imagine one person in 40 second what could make their lives all those people women men and almost suddenly children so unbearable I tell you what I know this is loneliness when there is no one who asks support when there is no one who can share your feeling with when there is no one who can understand you and guide you when there is no one who can accept your vulnerable abilities and second one what's more the growing number of divorces in our country and all over the world you know if we not ready to deeply open up it's really hard to create a close intimate relationship between us in sincere relationship because it's really important for us but in sincere ones just don't make sense do they finally we uh can observe the same Trend in our society too in our kazak culture there is a notion called toat there is a fear of being judged of from the society parts and yet doesn't give us a chance to make a mistake it doesn't give us a chance to show vulnerabilities you know and D is that it has led the fierce show vulnerabilities in our society and it has led the to cases of violence left unpunished and victim being judged and punished uh both from offender and uh society and this really sad and I wouldn't I don't like I don't want you to see see vulnerability as a weakness what if we see vulnerability like a dynamic individuality why it's dynamic because it can be changed for example by uh recognizing our vulnerability it's give us opportunity to decide what to do with it and at least there is a two options you know option one you can address it in therapy and develop yourself in that area second one you can do nothing with it and just decide uh look at this like a uh my imperfection is my individuality how awareness of our vulnerability can help us in everyday life first questions that concern me the most is related with the to Parenting you know if we position as a parent parents like a Heroes Invincible uh making no mistakes showing no weaknesses we deny our children to choice to make mistake to feeling their feelings Express themselves you know and however if we are self-aware and we are open about our vulnerabilities we create the space of trust let them our children to be themselves and Rising children with the right to make mistake is opens the ways to their truly self-expression what's the next one if uh if we recognize our vulnerability and we knowing ourselves and taking care treating ourself with the care it gives to our loved ones like a user manual yeah yeah you heard right user manual why is it that when we are buy washing machine we received a detailed guide how to use it correctly but in relationship we don't and one more argument you know if we uh recognize our vulnerability and accept it it give us a chance to accept and understand that other people have them too and it creates the space when we could negotiate of the ways how to communicate it effectively and so I could continue this list of uh opportunity of vulnerability forever but I would like to tell you about the something you need to have in your head because everything in our life has a price and benefit you know in my training I always say participants about everything has a two sides benefits and Price benefits at what we get and price and what we pay for the benefits so vulnerability it's has their price you know and you need to remember about it I'm good at like a navigated through the crisis in my relationship with my daughter and we reached some new level in our relationship ships and uh it happened only after I recognize and accept my own vulnerabilities and this is a benefit because our relationship getting better but there is a price you know I have recently returned from my vacation and I spent this vacation with my daughter and we haven't been uh in the vacation together for four years and it was a good idea to check our relationship and you know it it wasn't easy we are still in a process and we still have our difficulties and every time we have a argument uh I have to work with my emotions and my reactions and this is a price sometimes it's really painful and you know I I suppose this process is endless as long as we alive it means manifest ation and acceptance our true each other's emotions and but there is a good news each time it's happened easier easier for me and it's easier to me to be remain open and not run into invincibility or guilty focusing on my purpose in my relationship with my children allows me to go through my inner mother desire to be right mother sometimes I give up sometimes I thought maybe I choose the wrong direction maybe I shouldn't change the Eastern way to build family relationships but what helps me to continue it it's my commitment to truly and really intimate relationship with my children when they could express their emotions and receive the understanding and you know if I have opportunity to live two this last two years again say you for sure I will choose the same way the path of vulnerability because I believe it's worth it and you know well vulnerability is a key for truly intimate close relationships and I don't want this words associated with the weakness because choosing this way will require from you to hardly compatible qualities courage and sensitivity at the same time it is not easy path but definitely rewarding thank [Applause] you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 313

Keywords: Communication, Connection, English, Life, Relationships, TEDxTalks, Vulnerability, [TEDxEID:55984]

Id: DhMb07hBPB8

Length: 17min 38sec (1058 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 12 2023