How to find your perfect partner | Nancy Benitez | TEDxTenayaPaseo

[Music] imagine imagine if an expert gave you the tools that you needed in order to attract your perfect partner would you use them hold on to that thought and lean in as i tell you a love story it's 2001 and i am divorced but i feel like i'm ready to get back into the dating scene and i want to try something new and so i sign up for match.com now after a few months of very interesting dates a few marriage proposals and me getting ready to give up this attractive guy messages me and says hey check out my profile i really like yours let's connect sincerely mr x okay i check out mr x's profile he seems like a great guy i like what he has to say so we exchange numbers and we end up talking that night for a few hours we also agree to meet at starbucks the next day we have a great time the next day we end up talking connecting and we end up dating for a few more months now before i continue with my story i need to tell you a little secret this is the same guy that just a few days prior i had swiped over his profile because something didn't resonate honestly i don't know exactly what it was but i chose to ignore that little voice some of us call it our intuition so why why did i choose to ignore that little voice why did i choose to get into another relationship after being divorced it came down to the lack of one word clarity i did not know my boundaries i did not know my non-negotiables and i didn't know my values all i knew was that this guy treated me better than my ex-husband who had absolutely no interest in being intimate or vulnerable with me and so mr x just felt better now let me ask you guys a question how many of you have settled with being with someone just because they treated you better than your previous partner i did and that is why i struggled and in talking to friends to family to clients that is the number one reason why they struggle too we end up getting into these relationships these surface relationships where we think we know what we want and then they end up in massive breakups or divorce so why is clarity the number one thing to help you attract your perfect partner clarity removes everything that you don't want in order to move forward into what you do want it helps you know exactly where you want to go so how do we gain clarity how do we know exactly what we want by asking some very important questions questions like what are my boundaries what are my values and what are my non-negotiables second how do i want my partner to communicate with me third how and what do i need in order for my partner to love me better and lastly what is my love language and what are some of the things that help me feel loved now i encourage you before you fill out those dating profiles before you go on your first date or your next date and even if you're in a relationship to ask yourself these questions now back to my story it is now 10 years later and i am married to mr x i am a sad unhappy unfulfilled woman i have become the yes woman to all the people in my life and worse i have become dependent on my happiness and unhappiness on my husband i am sad and i am miserable and i know that this is not the way to live something needs to change i need to change i feel lost and worse i feel like a victim so i do what a lot of people do when they feel lost i went on a soul-searching journey to find myself i read and listened to hours of self-help books i spent thousands of dollars on self-help programs i became a coach and a mentor in several different areas i studied the law of attraction for hours and had mentors like abraham hicks ecartoli and brene brown and although all of these pieces were a beautiful part of my healing they were all outside myself and do you know where i finally found the answer right here inside of my heart and inside of myself when i realized this everything changed i realized that i was the creator of my own reality that i got to choose who i wanted to be with so how is it that this happened how is it that i got to this huge aha two words self-reflection i needed to take a long look at all my fails at all my unhappiness and not depend on any anyone else if i wanted anything to change i needed to change i chose to be the victor and no longer the victim so how is it that we do self-reflection when it feels so scary and uncomfortable and messy again it's by asking some very important questions that may sound familiar the first one do i honor my boundaries my values and my non-negotiables how do i communicate with all of the people in my life do i own up to my own happiness and unhappiness and lastly and most importantly do i love myself enough to make a change so why self-reflection how and how does it even begin to attract your perfect partner because if we aren't willing to heal those wounds if we aren't willing to heal those limiting beliefs keeping us stuck from a great relationship we can never attract more than we are now it's the law so in self-reflecting that was a huge piece of my healing and now i go back or forward to the last part of my story it is now 2018 and i am loving the woman i have become i am focusing on my own life i am focusing on my daughter and i am focusing on just living the best life i can then one day this sadness falls over me and i realize that i crave for someone to co-create with someone to have beautiful adventures with and align with the woman that i have become suddenly tears start streaming down my face and i look up and i say where is he where is the man that is coming to align with me i ask that he be brought to me that he be shown to me to align with who i have become i wipe the tears from my face knowing that by releasing the outcome he will be led to me and i will be led to him it's now a few months later and a girlfriend and i plan to take a road trip to portland we're having a great time and a few days after we get there we decide to go out we're having a great time we're dancing when all of a sudden i bump into this guy i look at him and his energy is magnetic he's beautiful and he is someone that feels like i have known for lifetimes we end up spending an evening together exchange numbers and he leaves now a few days later you know my girlfriend goes home and i get the courage to call him and see if he can hang out for a few more days now we end up spending more days together and i just love who he is and and i really resonate with him this time though something's different i am different and i know that i am ready i'm not ready for another committed relationship i know my boundaries i know my values and i know at this point in my life i just want to have fun besides i think what can happen he lives three thousand miles away i'm in florida and he's in portland it was incredible we ended up talking across three thousand miles for a year and a half we had great beautiful conversations over the phone we aligned and we built this beautiful connection and ended up ascending into love we eventually moved in together but my favorite part is our communication when those messy uncomfortable conversations that we tend to have in relationships come up we come from a place of love and understanding and self-reflection to resolve whatever issue comes up so wait how did i attract my perfect partner who attracted me inspired action inspiration is that thing that lights our souls on fire action is what moves us forward into whatever it is that we want so how do we take inspired action again by asking two very important questions the first one is what is one false limiting belief that is keeping me stuck from a great relationship i am not good enough nobody wants me i'm to this i'm to that and the next question is what is one inspired action that i can take every time i think about this limited belief to replace it so things like meditation affirmations a lifestyle change a diet change those are all forms of inspired action so now i have shared three tools with you to attract your perfect partner and now you have a decision to make you can stay where you are now or you can say hell yes to what you want and who you want to be with so say yes say yes to you say yes to what you want say yes to whatever lights your soul on fire say yes to love and say yes to your perfect partner who is also out there saying yes to you thank you you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 47,476

Keywords: English, Life, Relationships, TEDxTalks

Id: yJ9muydv-Tg

Length: 13min 50sec (830 seconds)

Published: Tue May 04 2021