How to Distance Yourself From Emotional Abuse and Toxic Relationships

now missus everybody thank you so much for being here I had a little bit of technical difficulty prior and I'm hoping that I'm just gonna check my feed now so hopefully you guys will be able to hop on the right feed and find me I think what I have to do is actually delete my first video some of you are actually hopping on now which is awesome so a couple of days ago what I did was I posted a question and I asked people to answer leave me questions on my facebook on my YouTube community and I'm so excited that you participated and we got so many questions let me just go back to that actual that actual page because I'm going to be reading from your comments now some of you are gonna have a little bit of difficulty finding me and that's out a fault or my fault we just the original live feed did not come through technical stuff what can I tell you so um thank you for being here let's move forward really excited to be working with you guys live today it's it's an honor that you're here very very humbled that anybody would you know want to participate in the livestream with me and learn some of the things that I've learned and isn't that what it's all about it's about learning something and sharing it with people who actually care about what you're talking about right and so if you're somebody who's on the healing path now I must say I honor you because a lot of people aren't a lot of people are just below the veil of consciousness and they are recycling whatever data and whatever programs and whatever schemas are in their mind we've been abused and abandoned in childhood and felt rejected suffered emotional neglect physical neglect sexual abuse and so on and as a result we lack a sense of self and you know one of the things that frustrates me a lot is when people say oh you just have to love yourself right and everything else will follow well how do you love yourself if you don't have a self no seriously how do you love yourself if you don't have a self how do you love yourself if you have been taught to deny yourself for the sake of other people it's nearly impossible so just loving yourself well it sounds hokey pokey and it sounds like awesome it's not easy to do when you you don't have a psychological understanding of the self that I am or the self that you are and so the journey that we're on is really a journey inward we've got to stop staying connected to the outer world in an unhealthy way a healthy way we have to stop enmeshing with other people and meshing with external experiences because when we do that we are literally detached from the self and whenever you're detached from the self you can't love the self you can't move forward in life from a position of I am and I am enough you can't so it's really important that we develop self awareness to catch ourselves when we are engaging in these enmeshment styles when we engaging in but worrying about what other people want us to think and feel I remember one of the most you know you humbling experiences of my life and it all happened inside my own head I was standing outside my children's karate school and there was a young mom outside the school and she was talking to these two dads about a man that she had just recently started dating and I heard her overheard her say that oh yeah I just went on a date with some new guy but I'm not sure if he likes me do you know what my headset do you know what went on in my head and I'm sure a lot of you will relate to this I actually heard myself say just be who he wants you to be then he like you that literally the way I operated my life I was in my mid-30s I was divorced towards my late 30s divorced and this was my schema this was my program this was my pattern that I just thought that all I had to do to be happy was to figure out who someone else wanted me to be this is the epitome of being a codependent person this is the epitome of not having a sense of self that's what we have to figure out how not to do anymore it's not our fault you know and some people will say well you know codependents are manipulative well we are trying to get our needs met absolutely we don't know how else to do it you know we're human and we're starved for validation and connection and love and kindness and compassion right so how do we how do we get our needs met when we don't have a sense of self it's almost impossible and so the brain has these automatic default settings pain versus pleasure backwards rationalization you know the need to avoid pain and the desire to bond and so it's really important that those of us who are in the healing path we understand that shame is only going to corrupt our ability to love ourselves and so if you resonate with what I just said then you hopefully you're going to enjoy this live stream and I see a lot of you asking me questions but I just wanted you to know that I will be reading from the community yesterday I asked my youtube subscribers to leave me questions and they left questions they've been leaving questions since yesterday and what I decided to do was to answer as many questions as I can in about an hour's time and I would answer the questions that had the most thumbs up so the most likes I figured that was the fairest way to do it and if if I'm able to answer more questions than I will I had been sick on and off since October my son is actually going through a divorce and that knocked me for a loop I became completely codependent and enmeshed with trying to save this my son from all of his problems and a lot of stuff was triggered and my immune system was definitely depleted and so I've been struggling since October to get back on on track and then I was hit after my I had a beautiful gala we met with the members of the twelve would break the coaching program graduates and we had a wonderful event in New York and the day after the event I actually got the flu and I think actually a lot of us got sick sorry about that dear ones hopefully that won't happen next year so I want to start asking and answering your questions to the best of my ability I have done my work I have written notes because I didn't want to forget certain things so the first question that I want to address is by Kiana and how do I leave a narcissist with no money or a place to go so this is a very common question that I get like how do I leave you know I'm financially dependent on this narcissist or I've been financially abused by this narcissist and and what do I do so I can late to that it is not uncommon for a narcissist distract you financially it's not uncommon for a narcissist to spend all your damn money it's not uncommon for you to find yourself living out of state or out of the country with the narcissist away from your family and friends you know I just recorded a video yesterday and I'll upload it with the next couple of days and it has to do with a woman who emailed me and said listen you know I was I was an intelligent woman you know and I had a great job as a bank executive and I met this man and and he swept me off my feet and I left my job and I'm reliant on him financially and now I have two children and he's having an affair and he wants to leave you know so here we go she has no financial strength behind her she's given up everything and so it's important that we understand that if you're in a physical situation in other words if you are in danger of being harmed physically you know you have to get out like everything else we'll deal with later but you have to get out you have to get to a shelter you have to get away from this person who may physically harm you sometimes you might have to get the authorities involved but the most important thing is to make sure that you are safe and that your children are safe stuff you can always get more stuff but you you fit your physical being you know you got to make that make sure that that's the priority so unless they were talking about a situation with Kai Ana where she is in interrelationship with a narcissist and she acknowledges it and she acknowledges that she's unhappy and her goal now is to leave okay but it's also important that we understand that just because we leave a narcissist doesn't mean that we fix what caused us to attract ourselves to a narcissist in the first place so I think it's if you're not in a physically domestically abusive relationship right now I think it's important that we think about that and that while we're in a situation that we really can't get out of yet we really consider what healing can be done before we actually make our move in terms so that's number one like figuring out like how did this happen you know recognize the narcissistic abuse cycle understand the love bombing you know pinpoint it write in your journal about it understand when you started to get devalued and minimized and marginalized when did all that start to go bad you know when did the red flags really start kicking up and when did this situation really really really get painful for you to the point where you're like oh my god I'm with a narcissist right so raise your awareness until you're able to actually move out so the other thing that I want you to do is in terms of making moving out and moving forward it's important that you develop some type of a plan when I knew that I was going to be leaving my ex-husband right I didn't just move out you know I had a plan I developed a plan I knew that I was going to need a job and so what I did was I became certified as a sports nutritionist and a personal trainer a youth personal trainer and also a I got certified to coach older adult and again I became certified as a sports nutritionist so I was preparing myself before the marriage really ended and before I had to move out the other thing that I do was did was I began to live way below my means so instead of going food shopping and buying you know things that we really didn't need I only bought what we need us because I began to save money I began to clip coupons instead of taking the kids to the movies I went to the library and I took out movies for free oh I even rented video games for my son he hated that but that's what I did there was a time where I was shopping in thrift stores anything to save money and every little bit of money that I was able to siphon off the top I began to put away I saved my change I'm like not Kenny I still save change I am through my pockets and I save change the other thing that I think is really important my daughters do it they are very active on Poshmark and they sell their clothes on Poshmark and they actually go to thrift stores and they purchase clothes and they sell it through Poshmark they they have an eBay store they sell things on eBay they found different ways to generate money and they were young kids right so think it's important that if we're going to leave a narcissist and money is an issue we have to start we have to get out ahead of it we have to start having a plan I think it's also important that if you have to leave in the middle of the night let's say you should have a bag packed like with all your document documents insurance papers your passport whatever it is you think you're gonna need I think it's also important that you tell you get a support person and you only tell someone that you absolutely have 100% trust in you only tell them because if you tell someone that you're going to leave right and this person is someone that you can't trust there's no telling that they might not go and talk to this person you're narcissist right and blow you up so it's important that you want to make sure that you are prepared in case there is a need for you to leave so if you have a bag packed have your documents pack you know whatever cash you can skim off the top start putting it away if you need to go take out a credit card in your name because you might need it it's very important do whatever you can to collect cash and and and put it on the side and if you have to give the cash to someone else just so the narcissistic live which doesn't know that you're doing it that's not a bad idea either either I had a best friend and I and we were on the same page and we were when we were going through our divorce is this is the way we operated with ourselves she had me and I had her so I think that that's really important find free emotional support right where you are there are you know you have to find a meeting that works for you there are coda meetings right there are a slow meeting sex and love addiction meetings there are a whole X naught I miss meetings there al-anon meetings see if you can find a support group that feels comfortable you may have to try different ones to actually find a group that actually works for you but it's worth it because you're getting support because when you leave a narcissistic relationship it is incredibly painful and you will doubt yourself because that's the agenda of a narcissist is to make you doubt your feelings okay so it's important for you to recognize now you're going to need that extra support so let's say I want to just make sure I have I think that's pretty that says pretty much it you have to you have to find ways and start saving money now and like what I did was my ex-husband didn't know that I was taking these classes he didn't know I was becoming certified and he was quite shocked when I moved out of the house and I was able to support myself he was shocked he had no idea was doing it so I think it's important that you also keep things to yourself don't don't let him know or her know that you are saving up because you want to move out and the more financial means the more financial means you have the greater your confidence is going to be and you know once you have a little bit of money and once you think you have enough money for rent start looking for an apartment you know do whatever you have to do to make sure that you have money coming in raise your level of consciousness get a support system pack your bag have it ready to go make sure your documents all ready to get a credit card in your name you know and say before that rainy day so I hope that that helps you so aqua has asked this was a pretty complicated question and I was actually a little bit confused by it but I'm gonna try to work work it through she asked how to love and trust again great question when all we know and fear is another man or woman woman letting us down at this point in my journey I keep running into men who lie but at the same time it happens at a point where I have heard them because I won't be in a relationship with them and so that's really um interesting it's an interesting question because what she's saying is I'm running into a relationship with men who lie but this happens at a point where I hurt them so we have to recognize I'm really big into energy and I believe that what we resist persists and also what we emit we attract so if I am somebody who is drawing men into my relationship that I really don't want to have a real relationship with then the relationship is not going to pan out it's going to have to end the energy isn't equal and so it makes sense that it's gonna end some way right so I'm not surprised that an aqua Aqsa is attracting men who lie she's saying it's at a time she's met aligned to her at a point where she has hurt them sometimes people hurt lie when you've heard them as a form of a defense mechanism so it's important to recognize that but aside from that what we have to do is the question is how to love and trust again and so we all need time to heal and we all need time to grieve learning to trust other people is really a mirror to how well we've been able to learn how to trust the self so we have to make sure again codependency is all about the other person right we've been meshed with the other person so we think that the idea of relationship Trust has to do with me being able to trust this other person not really what we have to do is we have to understand that our our ability to trust another person is always going to be a mirror to how well we can trust the self let me explain the more I trust myself and Trust what trust my beliefs trust my instincts trust how I feel trust my feelings trust that I am a worthy human being the more I'm able to trust that I will pay attention to a red flag when it surfaces the more that I'm able to be intimate with myself the more honest I am with myself about Who I am the more honest I'll be able to be in a relationship so when I am in a relationship with someone and I'm worrying about this person hurting me I first have to also understand that it's possible that someone is going to let me down we have to get over this over this idea that just because we trust someone means they're never gonna hurt us people are human they make mistakes right the goal is not to trust someone blindly the goal is to know that I can be in a relationship with someone that I trusted in the beginning of the relationship and I am NOT going to dissolve into a rabbit hole if and when this person turns out to be untrustworthy when co-dependents discover that their spouse has cheated on them or that their best friend has stabbed them in the back a codependent person that struggles with the sense of self will take that on and internalize these emotions like oh my god is my fault or will feel rejected because this thing happened because we don't have a healthy sense of self the healthier that I became and the more I became aware that I was a valid person and that I had a right to be treated well and then I was worthy I wasn't this sinner I wasn't this stained human being I was good I was created in the image and the likeness of God which was good sure I had some ego stuff and human stuff that I had to navigate but born I was born perfect this other stuff happened to me I was gonna have to work that out on my soul's journey and the more I understood that I had intrinsic value then the more I was able to understand that if I love someone and this person cheated on me then that had to do with that person not me because I'm gonna show up 100% and now I'm gonna give you the best of me I'm not gonna hold back anymore because I want to feel seen in a relationship I want to feel heard in a relationship and I want this other person to feel seen they feel heard I want a nurture as much as I need to be nurtured and so the more I developed a healthy sense of self the less I was concerned about this other person screwing up so I think that when you ask the question how can how to trust how to love and trust again it really is it has to do with our ability to love and trust that we are innate we have innate value right and so when I know that I have any value I know that regardless of what I look like and what I weigh you know and whatever else is going in my town in my life my equal partner exists it doesn't matter if I'm 300 pounds or thousand pounds or 150 pounds or whatever it doesn't matter what matters is I as a human being have innate value and I regardless of what is happening outside of me deserve to be respected and anybody who wants to show up and be a part of my life regardless of what I look like regardless of my past has to show me respect because I now respect myself if this person doesn't respect me I'm gonna love myself enough to stop this relationship so I hope what you're hearing me say so what I'm hearing what I hope you hearing me say is that you learn to love and trust again by learning to love and trust that you are worthy as a human being so you work on valuing that this idea that Wow I am enough okay so we all need time to heal and grieve any relationship that we've been in you have to identify mi somebody that falls apart when someone abuses me or when someone turns out to be untrustworthy because that's an issue that's a red flag of codependency and my somebody who on the other hand knows that I am in value of value and knows that the true commandment of God is to love others as you love yourself you must love yourself right I always tell my kids like you have to love yourself more than you love anyone else because the minute that you love someone else more than you love yourself you lose you lose perspective you lose the ability to be objective right you've now put another God before you when you truly love yourself you're kind to yourself you have empathy for yourself you have compassion for yourself and you will mirror that ability of love and love that way to someone else so in other words like you don't have anything to worry about it's not a narcissistic sense a malignant self-love where I loved the exclusion of others no no no I'm able to have compassion and understanding and empathy for me and my inner child I know that on an innate level I am worthy because I am I know that energetically and vibrationally I am tapped into the field of energy around me I am part of the matrix there is no such thing as separation I know that I am is worthy as a butterfly or as a tree or than any human being I really had to think about that because I find it so interesting how so many of us you know loved celebrities right we follow celebrities all over the world like really we just like become like you know their groupies and I thought to myself like is Madonna or Oprah or beyoncé or jay-z or Taylor Swift whoever you know are any of these people innately better than me no are any of these people innately better than you absolutely not they all got here the same way you did and they're all gonna leave the same way you leave right they're all on the same path they all have an ego and it and ego in a super-ego right they all have issues that they have to deal with right they are not any better than you or have any more value than you and so when people say to me how do I love myself you have to start recognizing that you on an innate level have value you have to understand with this idea that you don't love yourself this negative programming came from the outside came from the environment in which you lived in and that's not your fault that is not your fault you know when I was creating my 12-week briefie coaching program and I was trying to figure out how do I make my the pathway that I created or the blueprint that I created you know the steps that I took to heal myself from codependency you know how do we how do I help people understand what those steps were and one of the things that I realized was that a lot of people don't understand that you just like yourself because you never felt loved you never felt innately loved I have to plug in my computing one second sorry about that I thought I had my computer charge charging and I did not so I realized that a lot of people didn't understand that this negative self-talk was was a product of the outside world which is not you it was done to you and so loving yourself means that you have to become aware enough to recognize that you berate yourself all day and you berate yourself all day because as a child you felt rejected and abandoned and that's not your fault right so becoming cognizant and becoming aware that wow I have this negative crap roll around my head and it's not even mine imagine if you could go to sleep listen to a meditation just imagine and have that program just pulled out of your brain and imagine if we can reprogram you with an microchip that was loving imagine if the voices that you that you hear or that of a divine female energy of compassion of agape type love imagine if you could you could feel divine male energy making you feel protected making you feel seen and valued imagine if we could just pull all of these negative tapes out of your head and we could we could reprogram you with this loving nurturing vibrational energy and these new messages your life would take on a different paradigm your external experiences would change what you would hear all day is you are worthy and you were enough it's okay that you made a mistake the messages that you'd hear would be up self compassion and so how you love yourself is that you have to figure out and understand that you have the ability to observe the negative programming and how I figured this out was that when I was trying to write out my program my 12-week program I had to come up with a way to help people understand that this is just programming what I did was I coulda side-by-side analysis I asked myself well you know if family systems are like cells in a petri dish a petri dish and child a was put into a healthy nurturing environment no alcoholism no narcissism no abuse no marginalizing no rejection right if a child a was put into that environment felt protected and the home life was predictable right this child would be programmed for positive self-talk all right take child be sexual abuse incest survivor physical abuse domestic violence has witnessed domestic violence alcoholism addiction schizophrenia codependency amongst the parents right think about the child think about the programming of the child in the petri dish or the environment be think about the program that's in their head think about the narrative of the inner critic its berating it's full of shame it's full of I am not enough what's wrong with you okay child B does not love the self doesn't mean the child B is not worthy of love or is not loved it just means that what happened to the child is corrupt what happened to the child is unloving and that's not the child's fault so trial B child a goes out into the universe and becomes an adult who loves themself even if they get married and their wife cheats on them they understand Oh boundaries been violated I don't deserve this it's you that is the issue not me it's a beautiful thing we have to understand that those of us who struggle with codependency those of us who have been neglected in childhood we must understand that when people hurt us we internalize that hurt we feel responsible for it or we think that because they cheated on us so because they lied to us there's something just dysfunctional about us that created this situation there's a sense of over responsibility and that is just not true and so learning to love yourself and learning to trust yourself and even love and trust other people means that you have to blow hole in your level of consciousness about yourself your perception of self must be expanded you have to raise your consciousness around wait a minute I'm one of those people that do that you know if people treat me rudely I internalize it I feel like it's my fault you know if my sister doesn't want to talk to me I feel like it's my fault it's not your fault so it's important to learn to like disidentify and to even label how people are treating you and to not take on when someone has gone out of the way to hurt you don't take it on look at it as their behavior right and that will help you and so learning to love and trust someone again is always going to come back to us learning to love us and learning to be intimate with ourselves let me just run through the things that I wrote so we all need time to heal and grieve a dysfunctional relationship we have to forgive ourselves we can't blame ourselves why someone lied I cheated we have to trace back and see if feelings of childhood abandonment might be recreating the relationship dynamics we are in okay because if I was abandoned in childhood and I'm afraid of intimacy then I'm going to create these cat and mice cat and mouse type relationships right where it's about a person who pursues and a person who avoids right so it's very important that we trace this back to abandonment and childhood make sure that you're happy without a relationship before trying to go full-on into a new relationship identify when you are identified what type of relationship you're in so if you enter into this relationship and you know it's not going to go anywhere be honest about that if this is a relationship that you're not going to invest in be honest about that with yourself and with the other person because if you can be honest with yourself then you're going to save yourself a whole lot of trouble because this other person is going to know right away whether or not they want to be in a relationship with you ultimately you need to be in a relationship with someone who is on your same page and who resonates with you now this is the thing we're always going to attract that person so if I don't love myself I will manifest someone who doesn't love me if I begin to love myself and honor myself and respect myself then I will resonate with someone who loves me and respects me right so we're always emitting a vibration and our vibrations are basically in my humble opinion a bunch of codes and the matrix is a field of abundant energy that is full of these codes and the universe's job is to align codes with codes right so it's important that we recognize you're not NOAA's you're not going to fool yourself right I had a client um not that long ago a young man say to me that he's like um I just want to I just want to fool around right now I don't want to be serious with any of these women that I'm dating you know and I said okay I said but you have to know that you're going to attract that right you're going to attract a woman who is unavailable to you so you know just be aware of that because you don't want to end up blaming this woman when she turns out to be someone maybe that you can't trust or whatever right so because if you're going into relationships and you really don't want a relationship but you act like you are you can't be surprised if that relationship falls apart right so it's important that we recognize that whatever we are emitting is what we're going to attract so if we think that we're going to get away with not loving ourselves and then thinking that in this fantasy well I'll just take care of someone they love me in return which is what codependents do never gonna happen the universe is a lot smarter than that right the universe is fine-tuned to the energies that we are emitting so it's important for us to recognize and to spend some time paying attention to how we feel about ourselves because that is the template for your partner so the more you love yourself the more honest you are with yourself the more honest of a partner you will manifest okay so instead of giving your trust away right in the beginning of a relationship pull back a little bit and give this person time to prove themselves worthy of you do they show up on time do they call you when they say they're gonna call you do they text you um when they're going to when they say they're going to text you do they treat you consistently well do you consistently feel like they see you right so it's important that you pull the whole back a little bit and give people the opportunity to prove themselves worthy of you end up being trustworthy that might help you also trust how you feel if you feel like this person is untrustworthy then you have to learn to trust your feelings the last relationship I was in with the narcissist the last narcissistic relationship that I was in this is what it taught me right and I thought by time I mount up manifested this person that I had figured my stuff out I thought that by the time I was in this relationship I had had a bunch of codependency recovery under my belt I didn't feel needy I didn't feel like I had to talk to this person at all the time I didn't feel like I needed to even know what this person was when I talked to him I talked to him when I saw him I saw him and whatever I just wanted the relationship to evolve naturally well for six months I was groomed by this narcissist okay did not know that I was loved bombed completely completely loved bombed and this whole fantasy paradigm was created and he got me I believed that he was this person and he said he was and then what ended up happening was within eight months so I got to know him for about six months online and on the phone and then we dated like two months by the time the eight month period ran around the relationship ended but what that lationship taught me was that I ignored red flags now I mean this is just an absolute true scary story um the first time I met one of his friends who happened to be a female right he lied about his relationship with her as well but whatever whatever I found that out later but I was in a car with him in his friend and he turned and there was his field grass grass field it was a forest basically and he said to his friend oh this would be a great place to bury her body and I went huh but my immediate instinct was oh who says that and I was immediately frightened but I scoffed it off I thought oh you know there's just they're just joking you know but and I pushed this this down because it frightened me so much right and so I had cognitive dissonance over this red flag versus this fantasy and my brain pushed down what he said and I thought you know it's myself like oh he must just be joking and I rationalized it away backwards rationalization and so time went on and there were other things another time he told me that he only had a cell phone and they didn't have a house phone and I believed him right my parents didn't have a house plenty of people that I knew um that didn't have a house I also didn't think anything of it so one day I'm on the phone with him and I hear a house phone I'm talking to him on a cell phone but I hear a house phone and I went oh okay red flag and I didn't acknowledge it it put it in the back of my head but I didn't act on it I should have just ended the relationship right then and there but I didn't the finals will not the final straw but what ended up happening was another night we were at a party and he went to use the bathroom and his phone rang in about one o'clock in the morning my friends who have visit having this amazing blue owl the party that was so much fun and his phone rang and I had a sick feeling in my stomach so I looked at his phone and I saw a woman's name I put the phone back down why didn't he came downstairs he said your phone rang and he said oh it's my brother I knew he was lying okay I should have and did the relationship there but I didn't so the relationship finally ended after I was told that he was in jail for trying to steal his mother's house okay then the relationship ends but what's the moral of the story the moral of the story was that in all of my codependent recovery the one thing that I had yet to learn and this is what life does until you learn the message until you learn the lesson it's gonna keep showing up for you you don't get it the first time with a little bit of pain that's there maybe you'll get the second time but the pain is going to be intensified you don't get the second time more pain the third time you don't get the third time more pain the fourth time the fifth time the six times the seven time this relationship was very very short in my life but it brought me to my knees because it was the epitome of a psychologically narcissistically abusive relationship this man groomed me I felt like prey I felt like he was a predator right and he got inside my head and he made me feel ashamed he made me feel embarrassed humiliated that a smart woman like myself go through something like this the lesson once I got over that because I was in bed for days like I felt so ashamed of myself and embarrassed once I got over that what I realized was Lisa what did what was the lesson in this relationship and loud and clear it was like a megaphone you ignored red flags my Higher Self was always flagging always letting me know oh that's wrong oh that's wrong oh that's wrong from bury the body to having a house phone to lying about who called him you know there were so many red flags right when I look back I could see that from the beginning my body was trying to tell me that there were red flags but I didn't listen love-bombing made that very difficult to listen to which is why now I and what happened to that at the end of that was I realized that uh uh uh uh I have to pay attention to red flags I have to interview people when I date them I have to hold on to myself and I have to listen to what's coming out of this person's mouth and I have to stay out of fantasy mode you know I have to stay out of making more out of this relationship than what it actually is now so I just stay in relation in reality the more I love myself the more and talk about what is self loved that was self love having compassion for the person that I was that was psychologically manipulated having compassion for her not humiliating her not embarrassing her and loving her that's what self-love is right so self care is about allowing ourselves the right to recognize when we've been abused and to give ourselves permission to feel what we feel and to forgive ourselves especially when we've been abused and to stop taking that on so that was that was a sign that I was healing from codependency because I didn't take it on I didn't Kanaan I was embarrassed yes but I didn't take on I didn't feel like it was my fault that this person abused me so I hope that that helps you with your question Nora has asked how do I know if I'm actually feeling and integrating an emotion or if I'm bypassing it in some way how can I overcome the fear of feeling my emotions caused by emotional abandonment so Nora this is really interesting this is um actually what I teach in my 12 we break through coaching class and for anyone is interested in my next class launches in February and we have my rosters is filling up so I just want to put that out there but this is the whole thing right we are these amazing beautiful creatures right we're perfect at a core and then what happens when were born we have we take on this humanist this ego this personality and we forget that we are divine creatures that we're okay just as we are and we fall subject to unconsciousness and so here we are we are we have such a limited consciousness of who we are and we think that our ego lens is all there is you know we think that our personality is all there is we think that the way people show up in our lives or there is that's only part of the story we are bathing in vibrations that we can't see right it isn't it interesting that when the Sun is just at the right height and when there's just enough water in the air then we can see rainbows but the rainbows are always around us we just can't see them and so it's important the reason I share that is because I want people to understand that you are much more than what you think you are and your ego lens is only 5% of the story but because we feel emotion so intensely in our body we think that's all there is okay so the journey that we're on is to learn how to integrate our emotions which is basically learn how to process our emotions through our chakra system through our physical body through our mind so that we are no longer afraid of what we feel so I wrote a couple of notes so the one thing that I want us to recognize is that that which we resist persists so if you believe that if you're not looking at an emotion right if you're if you are in resistance to that emotion the emotion is going to intensify and qantas will quantify over time it just is so that's important so we have to begin by associating pleasure with feeling our emotions right and if you because you have to understand if your brain years and emotion then the default mode network in the brain is just gonna flag that as painful and slap it down so no I don't want to look at that beyond you won't even know you won't even have the conscious awareness that it happened right because if I fear thinking about something that happened to me my brain associates great fear with that and pleasure with not thinking about it okay but that doesn't mean that my body isn't feeling it because I'm 95% unconscious so it's still active it's so it doesn't mean just because I'm not consciously looking at it doesn't mean that it's not causing emotional blocks it doesn't mean that's not causing inflammation it doesn't mean that I'm not kicking out cortisol and it doesn't mean that my body isn't dumping insulin and dumping sugar it doesn't mean that I'm my adrenals aren't getting overworked it just means that consciously I think I avoided this thing okay so you'll know you have integrated an emotion when you no longer feel constricted when you think about or feel this emotion right and so when we have integrated an emotion or an experience it no longer throws us into chaos we no longer are upset when we talk about it right so my daughter's haven't spoken to their father my little one hasn't spoken to her father in over a year and my middle daughter hasn't spoken to her father in over two years up until about two months ago my middle daughter cried every time she spoke about spoke about her dad so I knew that she had she hadn't yet integrated her this loss in her life over the past few months there's been a shift right she found out that he had a full-blown wedding we found out that their stepmother unblocked them on Facebook so that my kids could actually see the wedding these two experiences for my daughter helped her integrate leaving her father in the past and going no contact she feels so much more in alignment with letting go because she understands that unfortunately your father's at a place and his new wife is at a place where they lack empathy for how the kids feel and the more awareness she had over her father and his actions and his lack of empathy for her she was able to integrate the loss over time and again it goes back to self-awareness it goes it goes back to being able to look at this sadness and this loss over the going of contact with her dad right and so there was a time when she didn't want to talk about it and so she wasn't integrated and over the past two years I can tell you that I've watched her fall apart talking about him I mean my daughters getting married in September he's not walking her down the aisle right like so many things are happening in her life and her father should be a part of it but he's not going to be right and she's had to integrate that loss and grieve that loss over time in the past two months has been a shift she doesn't resist talking about him anymore anymore so I think that when we know we have integrated an emotion it no longer causes us to constrict right so I think that's important so the other thing that we do in terms of how integrate into motion its we have to get past this idea that emotions are bad or emotions are good right emotions are neither bad and emotions are neither good again we're talking about raising a level of awareness this is something that would blow your mind when you think about it we have to understand that emotions are not bad or good you have to practice this idea over and over like oh I just had this emotion well it's not that oh I'm grieving the loss of my father well that's not bad oh I am angry over because my sister didn't invite me for the holidays but that emotion anger isn't bad it's just a signal it's just a sign on I'm feeling lonely that's not bad that's just a sign it's letting me know where I am I'm feeling depressed at this moment because I've had to go no contact with my toxic family that's not bad that's just telling me where I am um you know oh I feel pretty happy today that's neither bad or no good that's just an experience the reason it's so important to practice this idea is because abuse adult children tend to think in black and white black and white makes us make sense out of the world that's good that's bad she's good she's bad you know that what he said was good what she said was bad right I'm good they're bad or they're I'm bad and they're good so we tend to do that we really have to not do that anymore fee we have to work on our level of emotional intelligence and I've done a video on that your few haven't seen it please look for it on YouTube look for it on my channel because we have to this is healing is integrated with raising our level of emotional intelligence right and so when I read one I understand that emotions of me the bad and are good they're just indicators what I like to do is I'd like to see myself this way I am an innate spiritual being that is also physical so my spirit is inside this physical body my spirit has to interface with this brain right but I to see yourself as spirit right and then see yourself as spirit inside a physical body that behaves a certain way it has a brain that operates a certain way right that has a personality that operates a certain way right it is not what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to understand that my emotions are not me my emotions are signs they're indicators and if I can learn to observe my emotions and not put them in a good or the bad category just observe them put them in the same pot put them in the same soup what am I feeling today don't label it what am I feeling today right when I think about let's say you know I've coached so many sexual abuse survivors who feel it's difficult for them to touch that experience or to consciously acknowledge that this sexual abuse took place and of course we have to develop trust and a sense of security between myself and my client so that they know that I've got them that I'm not gonna let them go and then I'm going to be able to witness and validate whatever it is they experienced from a higher state of awareness and I'm going to stay there and I'm gonna hold this place energetically so that they can anchor themselves to me and get them through this wounded body or this inner child's experience right okay so it's important that we recognize what's going on here so when you're thinking about your emotions let's say we're talking I'm working with a client who's who has this experience of being 3 years old and molested by the neighbor right and how she felt when this happened and her request is I want to I don't want to be afraid of this experience anymore I don't want to be afraid of when my mind remembers it I don't want to be afraid of being triggered by the experience anymore of course you don't because once you know how to process this experience you're separate you break through right it's beautiful and so my job as a life coach and a healer is to be able to help this person understand that the body is responding normally to a painful and frightening situation so just acknowledging when you think about experiences that you've had that you want to integrate it's important that you recognize that if something has happened to you that is difficult that is painful as abusive if your body reacts it's out of survival because of that experience your body's acting normally your body felt under under attack either emotionally physically spiritually whatever right you felt attacked power was being abused over you so if you have fear that's normal when do you recognize like wait a minute my body's responding normally I was a kid I was abused so my body was is reacting appropriately what happens to us below the veil of consciousness is we don't like the way the body feels and we shove the experience into the good or the bad category and once our brain says oh this is bad then pain versus pleasure kicks in and my personality my ego works to suppress those emotions because outside of conscious awareness I don't know that my body is experiencing my experience properly and so if you're somebody who's trying to integrate into motion what I say is first of all understand you've already survived the experience what you're experiencing now is your perception of the experience which is like tied to memory so if you are abused by when you were seven the perception of this experience is that of a seven-year-old inner child hopeless powerless has no control over their life helpless so you have to understand that your memory and your reflection is that of a seven-year-old and once you gain that understanding you can then see what happened to you at 7 from a higher state of awareness okay so it's important that you recognized wait a minute my memories are tied to the age I was when I had this experience that is HUGE to me that was so mind-blowing when I realized that all of my abandonment trauma all of the fears that I had that I was reinterred experiences of feeling so terribly devastated by my mother's rejection but my father's absence you know by feeling unprotected by feeling unwanted I was a baby I was a little baby you know of course you know when you think about a child who is being so wounded and so so abandoned it's terrifying but we don't have the objectivity right um we don't have the ability to understand like wait a minute the person rejecting me is the problem I'm enough I'm enough and so when you are thinking back to the experiences that you want to integrate ask yourself how old you were when that experience happened to you and what you will discover is like oh my god it's like wow I was 7 I was 8 I was 9 I was 12 I was 15 when these things happen to me right and so then what you do is you acknowledge you write out what happened to you and what age you were and then you write out what you think you felt or what you think how do you think you perceive the experience at 15 or 12 or 11 or 7 or whatever right then from a higher state of awareness you you offer compassion and love and understanding to this 15 year old so this 12 year olds this 10 year old that is the way we integrate because now we're saying whatever I felt was okay because it is because it's just an experience if I'm 4 years old and I'm being sexually molested by my cousin and I feel traumatized right and I have issues with sexuality I have to know that that's a norm consequence I can't beat myself up for that that's not my fault because if that didn't happen to me I might not have problems with sexuality or intimacy or being vulnerable right so this thing that happened to me has hurt me and the more I understand that my experiences have shaped me from a higher state of awareness then I'm able to gain clarity and objectivity and now my past experiences are experiences that I'm able to observe like a would a movie if we were able to pull ourselves out of the experience of the inner child if we learn how to not view the past through the lens of the inner child and if we learned to observe our experiences when we were younger from a higher state of awareness if we imagine that our story was Mary's story our story was the story of the little girl down the block our story was the story of our friend our story was someone else's story imagine watching your story like you would a television show imagine that empathy you would have for the main character which is really your story right it's so much easier to have empathy for other people because we don't understand that when we think about our experiences we are experiencing these experiences through the eyes of the inner child who is powerless when they were going through the experience you can't heal from that from that space you can't heal from that space it's sort of like having a three-year-old try to hold a space for three-year-old while it's comforting and it feels supportive and it feels validating what the three-year-old needs is an adult an unconditionally loving Authority who can witness for them you are enough and I am here to support you and you know that I I have the ability to support you you have faith in me I am your mother I am your father I am your sister whoever I am an aunt I am an uncle I'm a grandmother I'm an authority figure in your life that you know can shelter you and protect you every child needed that unfortunately those of us with abandonment didn't have that right and so what we're trying to do is when we're thinking about you know integrating abandonment understand this and we'll close the livestreams you know within a few minutes now if you were here more than likely you've suffered abandonment you felt rejected you felt unworthy you have felt discarded someone just said is it considered sexual abuse if it was a close cousin close in age I was seven and eight and he was not intending for a few few years and even he even had a friend neighbor friend involved a few times I would say yes and that's because children who were 9 and 10 are more aware that they're doing something wrong to a child who is 7 right especially if there are other neighbors involved right and if the 9 and 10 year old are doing things in secret and private then that tells you that this child knew that they were doing something wrong so it's important that you recognize that well I was violated you know and how did I feel when I was 7 how did I feel when I was 8 right and you you acknowledge that from a higher state of awareness from the adult self from the learn to reparent yourself from that space so when we're talking about abandonment and rejection what we're experiencing more than likely if you hear that's what you've experienced you know in your life you have never felt seen you have never felt validated right you don't have a healthy sense of self you have become a people pleaser or maybe you avoid intimacy or maybe you're a chameleon and you become what you think other people want you to be don't judge yourself for that because that is simply a consequence of being abandoned that is what a personality and a psyche psyche does as a result of being abandoned because innately you're a human being that just wants to be loved and also wants to love you just haven't you're not doing it the right way it's maladaptive you're going about it the wrong way but the great thing is is that that can be corrected right so if you have a fear of being vulnerable well that's because you've been taught that who you are is shameful so you have a false self right that you hope other people will love it'll never make you happy because you know that you're not revealing your true self so ultimately moving towards being more authentic is really the goal but how do we do that how do we do that so we do that by acknowledging that what is hurting us happened in the past and what is hurting us is that we have felt abandoned and what's hurting us is our limited perception of self what hurts us is that below the veil of consciousness we do not know that hold on one second I think we have to lock someone okay we have had a troll show up we love you troll anyway I'm sorry you have nothing else better to do today I'm going to give people the middle finger on this YouTube channel I hope that you find peace and love and hope and light soon getting back to the video when you have been abandoned what we don't realize is that we are viewing the world through the eyes of the abandoned in a child and that has to change and the only way that we can move through that is by gaining self awareness raising our level of consciousness and spending time thinking about wait a minute I'm not that little I'm not let that little boy anymore that was my experience and that experience is valid and I have to work towards validating that experience each and every day if you want to integrate something right then you have to bring it into your awareness so what you want to do is you want to write about your experience you want to find maybe a life coach or a therapist I suggest seeking a trauma therapist who is skilled in abandonment I I went to I don't have three four therapists before I found my psychotherapist that that actually knew about codependency and alcoholism before I actually found someone that could actually help me so I would say you know trying to find a support person that understands what you're going through that that you have that you can understand their language and they understand your language there has to be resonance between you and the person that you're working with so that's important when we're trying to integrate something we can't integrate for something without paying attention to this something right so the tendency is going to be to avoid it and run away from it and stay codependent and try not to think about it but that's not going to work so what we have to do is we have to find ways to bring up our abandonment issues and to work with them in a conscious realm right so that is actually what I do in the 12 we break the coaching program is we help people process the pain the spiritual bypassing is thinking that you've you have healed and processes emotion or this experience when you really have it and that happens when we are in our heads and we're not no heart space right and so what we really have to do is learn how to journey into the heart space and to do it through visualization and to use our mind in a way that allows us to access our heart space so journaling about what happens to us touching it when a scary painful feeling comes up learning to allow it you know learning from a higher state of awareness to say this is normal body you're reacting to this you're reacting remember when you remember something your body remembers it to so your body is sort of like a storage facility it's remembered exactly how you felt when you were traumatized it remembers it can't not remember and our spiritual work is all about remembering and processing and right is our spiritual work is about remembering and processing and moving beyond the default setting of the brain which is to shut it down and not looking so we can go about our day so we have to commit I commit at least an hour to an hour and a half sometimes two hours a day to my spiritual work to my personal development work I meditate every day for at least an hour I do journaling and I also do intentional visualizations my job is to these days is to get out ahead of the big cosmic joke so rather than react to what's happening in my experience I'm trying to get out ahead of it and imagine the experiences that I want to experience and it takes practice it takes practice but that's what I'm doing you know these days so it's important that we understand that when we recall a trigger or when we are triggered our body is going to respond exactly the way it did when that when that original trigger happened that's the body responding the right way so we have to move past this idea that oh something's wrong with me because I feel anxious on my breathing's off and I'm getting sweaty ponds at Toms and we have to get past this idea that that's wrong that's right the body is just remembering okay so once we learned like okay my body is feeling my body is feeling my body is remembering and that's okay that's okay right what you want to do is you want to acknowledge that that your body is actually working the right way then what you want to do is write about your triggers remember - if you want to integrate something you've got to chew on it think about what it is that you want to integrate you know what happened to you in the past and know that when you recall it your body's going to remember how you felt from step 3 step up the ladder what we have to do is then say okay this is normal my mind recalled this event my body is the energies of that event this is normal what I have to do now is just sit back sit back breathe not attached to these energies and just say body let it go I let it go it's okay I feel this way body let it go it's okay let it go it's okay body let it go body let it go body let it go it's okay it's okay it's okay it's okay it's okay that's okay and you know what you might start shaking you might start breaking out two cold sweats that's normal as long as you don't resist these energies leaving your body I promise you you will begin to feel better thank you so much for being here and participating in our live stream today I will be sure oh we have another troll you poor thing poor thing you got a you got a feel for people who have nothing else better to do he called me a monkey and a much a few other choice words you poor baby I'm gonna pray for you I'm gonna pray for the light to enter into your soul and for you to not have to do things like this with your time huh so for something like this right we have we have a troll that's happened upon a live video and of course the avatar is uh is not their actual face right so they get to hide right and so it's just kind of funny to me that somebody who happens upon a live YouTube video and needs to start trouble stir the pot that is them that has nothing to do with me right so that has to do with somebody else's negative energy somebody who feels tension in their body somebody who is unhappy um maybe somebody who is who gets more unhappy when they see people who are happy because then that offers them contrast there's someone oh there's someone out there that's loving themselves oh I don't love myself and there's a lot of contrast and I don't like the way that feels right and so there are plenty of people out there like that in society but what we have to do is we have to learn to not take that stuff personally and we have to learn to love those people anyway and to send them love and light because anybody that is out in society and feels the need to do that is not in a happy place because if you're not if you're not shining light then you haven't gotten touched with the light within you and what will heal you is moving closer to that light right what heals those of us who are on our journey is to hold on to a light in spite of what's happening outside of us and to continue to shine a light in spite of what people are trying to do to us again that's all part of the codependency healing right not taking this stuff on so thank you so much for being here I want you guys to know that I have a podcast and you can find it almost anywhere a podcasts are available from Spotify to Spreaker to Apple iTunes even Google Play it's called the breakdown to break through every month we choose a subscriber to become a member of the break through warrior membership site and we offer a free membership for a year I'd also like to let you guys know that the next 12 we class launches in February early February and the early bird special is still in effect and I would love to work with you one you know inside my Kochi program online for three months you can take this program from anywhere in the world people have taken this program from Norway from Switzerland from Italy from France you name it they've taken it taken it from anywhere in the world so every week you get a video lesson a video lesson that you work on that you get journaling prompts and a meditation that you work on during the week you interact with me and my team daily if you like to on Facebook right so this is daily daily feeding that's happening and then every Saturday I answer I have a live stream that sa good morning Alice every Saturday I answer your questions live a live group coaching class on Facebook it's a really fabulous program it's a great experience and I'm happy to announce that the breakthroughs that come through the program are incredibly inspiring you learn how to integrate you learn how to love yourself you learn how to process information you learn how to set boundaries you know you learn how to no longer be codependent what's better than that so thank you so much for being here I hope to do another livestream soon namaste until next time bye for now

Channel: Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc.

Views: 225,569

Rating: 4.8991647 out of 5

Keywords: how to overcome emotional abuse, codependency and abandonment, narcissistic abuse, how to distance yourself from emotional abuse, signs of emotional abuse in relationships, how to get out of a toxic relationship, how to break the grip of toxic relationship with a narcissist, leave an emotionally abusive relationship, how to heal from codependency youtube, how to leave a narcissist, how to distance yourself, red flags emotional abuse, how to end an emotionally abusive relationship

Id: 2uYjmPCMXtA

Length: 73min 33sec (4413 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 02 2019